Hey, kids. Just a friendly reminder: your old Uncle Bob is under the influence of half a bottle of Sudafed, so this recap may make about as much sense as your average Freddie Prinze Jr. movie. For those of you who make it all the way through, there's a Tootsie Pop waiting for you at the end! No, really. There is. Let's get to recappin'.
Ed and Mike are sitting in one of Stuckeyville's many fine upstanding parks while The Evil Baby Sarah -- who is considerably less evil this season than last season -- rests on Mike's lap. Ed informs Mike that he's come up with a theme song for The Evil Baby Sarah, and 99% of the television viewing audience is hoping it will become the new theme song to the show, replacing the gawdawful hack job that is currently occupying that spot. Mike wants to hear the theme song. Cool. It goes a little somethin' like this: "Hello my name is Sarah, I am an evil bayybeee. I live in Stuckeyville, and I'm going to grow up to be the Antichrist and everyone will scream my name in terror as I drag those who haven't been saved down to my hoary netherworld where they will be cast into pits of hellfire for all of eternity...mayyy-beee." Of courseit was all sung to an infectious, jangly melody. Well, as jangly as you can get while singing about destroying the free world. Mike barely noticed the theme song, since he was watching an older man playing ball with his son. "I don't want to be an old dad," Mike tells Ed in a wistful manner. Ed is peeved because he doesn't think he received enough credit for his witty theme song. I'm peeved because I had my first child at age thirty-eight and am one of those "older dads" Mike doesn't want to be. Well, I'll tell you something, Mr. Doctor Mike Guy Person Thing: being an "older dad" isn't so bad, son. I don't make near the mistakes younger dads do. Also, I make more money than younger dads do, and can afford nice things for my son, whereas a young punk out of high school struggles to buy baby formula. So stick that up your tight biological clock-ticking ass, you rat bastard. I don't need to listen to you whine, BOY. I don't! I don't...I....Well, I guess I need the money that comes from watching this malarkey and then recapping it. So I'll keep watching. But only because my little boy hasn't learned how to stop shitting his pants yet and still needs his Huggies. So Mike starts babbling that he thinks he wants another kid before he gets too old to be a decent father. Ed could give two cat craps about Mike's incessant whining, and lays down the weekly $10 bet. He bets Mike that he won't get on a children's play horse and yell, "Look at me! I'm a cowboy! Yeeeeehawww!" Mike walks over to the horse, plops down, and yells the prize-winning phrase. A lady walks past, and Mike says "Ma'am" like an authentic cowboy. He then falls on his ass as the horse bucks him off. Tee hee. Don't be talking smack about old dads, Mikey. Instant karma's gonna get ya.
Opening credits. Oh, wow. NBC is still trying to kill us with that horrendous theme song. For a brief moment, I thought somebody was in my bathroom, vomiting blood clots while baby hamsters carrying razor blades in their tiny hamster fists crawled out their nose. Then I realized it's still that shitty theme song.
Commercials. Oh, look -- K-Pax comes out this week! It's a movie about an alien who comes to America who talks funny and understands what animals are thinking. You know, seriously...it's about time Hollywood got around to shooting Elian Gonzales's life story.
Ed's working in his office when a guy who just exudes sleaze walks into the room. The guy guesses Ed's suit size to a T. Ed's impressed to the point where blood is stirring in his groin. The man's name is Ron Leveritt, and he owns Suitopia, the best place in Stuckeyville to buy a suit and get a major dosage of the heebie jeebies at the same time. Ed is delighted, because he bought his first suit at Suitopia, from Ron's father, who owned the store at the time. Ron's father had told Ed, as he was trying on the suit, that he looked just like Kojak. Ron asks whether Ed wanted to look like Kojak, and Ed says he did. This pleases Ron. In a moment of great disappointment for the television viewing public, Ron says he's not here to talk about vintage polyester suits; he's here to request Ed's services. I don't know about the average Edhead, but if these two sat and talked about suits from the 1970s for an hour, I'd be on the edge of my seat with eyes wide open, sucking in every word like a hippie sucking on his last roach. It seems a former employee, Heather Ross, is suing Ron for sexual harassment. Ed asks whether Ron harassed her in a sexual nature; Ron says, "Never". He says she's just upset because he fired her. Maybe he was expecting her to be overjoyed; I dunno. But he fired her for the best reason possible: her sales were down. He says that his store is a Mom and Pop organization, and he can't afford to have skank whores just draining his payroll. He quickly apologizes for the "skank whore" remark which, to the untrained ear, may have flown right past many viewers at home, but eagle ear Uncle Bob caught it. Ed agrees to take the case because Ron's dad made him look like Kojak, which is as good a reason as any to accept a case in Stuckeyville.
In Carol's classroom, the students are discussing The Great Gatsby. The students are snickering and saying "Bingo!" back and forth to each other. Carol asks what's going on, and Massive Mark assures her that it's "nothing." She mentions a recurring motif in the book, and hears someone else whisper, "Bingo!" Carol decides to fight fire with fire, reaches down the back of her panties, pulls out a ping pong ball, and says, "B-12....B-12." This quiets the classroom down considerably. As my dear friend P. Diddy would say, "The beeyotch know her shit."
Mike comes home for a little lunch, and greets his hot-assed wife, Nancy. "Nooner?" he says. Nancy giggles and says no, it's 11:45. Mike transforms into the persona of a drunken frat boy and won't take no for an answer as he starts slobbering all over her in the kitchen. Nancy giggles even more and explains that two men from the church are up in their bedroom right now. Mike squeals and runs to get the video camera in hopes of catching the ménage à quatre on tape. Nancy explains that the men are boxing up clothes to take to the church, and Mike deflates like a flying condom in a high-school cafeteria. Nancy goes up to help the men as well as escape Mike's wandering paws. One of the guys is searching through Nancy's album collection and asks whether she has anything by The Knack. Nancy doesn't think so. I have their entire collection myself, and don't appreciate the writers trying to make the Knack seem like some kinda joke. The Knack are coming back, Jack! Just you wait and see, you sarcastic bastards! Anyway, one of the guys steps into the closet and starts boxing up Nancy's business suits; Nancy promptly stops him. Even though these clothes are going to charity to help clothe the needy, she doesn't wanna see some homeless woman parading around with a shopping cart full of bottles and cans wearing her smart double-breasted Donna Karem ensemble complete with matching handbag and pillbox hat. I mean...come on! Get real, Church Guy!
Molly and Carol are strutting down the street like a couple of Stuckeyville slut hounds, talking about the upcoming teacher evaluations. Carol's not looking forward to the evaluation, while Molly comes clean and admits that she's not even up for a visit with the principal. This bothers Carol, who Carol can't imagine what she's done to warrant a trip to the principal's office, unless you count the fact that she and Principal Jackass mix like motor oil and peanut butter. Molly's convinced that the new principal has the hots for Carol, which Carol quickly denies. Carol's convinced that he wants to discuss her teaching techniques and strategies. The subject turns to Ed's latest case, of which Molly hasn't been informed yet. Carol tells Molly who Ed's defending, and Molly can't believe it. She's shocked. She's beyond shocked -- she's flabbergasted. And a flabbergasted Molly is nothing to toy with, my friend.
Ed's sitting in his office when Molly storms in. "Ron Leveritt is scum!" she decrees. "It's not as catchy as 'hello,' but it gets your attention," Ed replies. Molly gives Ed the lowdown, including the fact that Ron forces his female employees to dress scantily and act like crack whores, flirting heavily with every man that comes in the store. This is something that Molly will not stand for, so she takes a seat. She then calls Ron a "suit pimp." Ed is just as flabbergasted as Molly, so he picks up the phone to inform Ron that he won't be taking the case after all. While he's waiting for the phone to be answered, he asks Molly whether she thought up "suit pimp" on the way over to his office, or whether it was a spur-of-the-moment slur. She grins sheepishly and admits it's something she thought of on the way over. He says it's a good slur, and nothing to be ashamed of. Ron apparently isn't in, so Ed is forced to leave a message with an employee for Ron to call him. Ed then slams the phone down in a defiant gesture that just screamed SOLIDARITY with Molly over this issue. Molly, sufficiently satisfied, informs Ed that he forgot to leave his phone number. Ed sighs and picks the phone back up. Molly looks like the cat that swallowed the canary. As well as a few too many pints of ice cream. And a couple of pounds of bacon straight out of the package. And I'm not talking about that new pre-cooked bacon shit, either.
Mike and Nancy are finishing up dinner when Mike offers Nancy an alternative dessert: some of his "sweet, sweet lovin'." I fight off wave after wave of nausea. He asks her if she'd like to be stimulated by the pleasures of intimacy, and she wants to know if he's been reading Playboy again. His mouth says no but his eyes say, "Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes!" Mike informs Nancy that he has a secret ploy going: he wants to have another baby. Nancy, for lack of a better term, fucking goes off on Mike's ass. She can't believe this sonofabitch wants to have another baby. Nancy's barely able to deal with The Evil Baby Sarah and still keep up with her daily soaps; the house is a pigsty; the Evil Baby Sarah is a handful; and it's a full-time job when you've given birth to the Dark Lord's bastard child. Nancy then goes off the deep end and says fine, fine, they can have a baby. She starts getting naked and stripping Mike's clothes off him. Mike feels pretty stupid at this point, and says that he's not having a sarcastic baby. Nancy's sarcasm is in overdrive as she lies on the bed and starts jamming her fist into her groin. Oh, wait...the dog just sat on the remote and The Sexorcist is showing on Cinemax. My bad. I debate on recapping The Sexorcist instead of Ed, but the wife's home and if she walks in the bedroom and sees me whacking it to a porn actress wearing a devil's mask, it's a one-way ticket back to therapy for us.
At the alley, Phil is quietly telling a Russian bowler by the name of Donnie Stroyko to "just let it go." Apparently, the guy has lost his bowling ball somewhere in the vast wasteland between the pins and the alley. The name of the ball is The Devastator, which coincidentally was the nickname bestowed upon my penis in college after I landed a few of my girlfriends in the hospital with what can only be described as "decimated kitty-kats." Okay...that didn't really happen. I was just goofin' around. I just harbor this insatiable urge to brag about my genitalia every chance I get. Ed walks up, gets the skinny on what's going on, and assures Donnie that they will find his ball, which must be wedged in the ball return somewhere. He tells Phil to turn the place upside down if he has to. Phil assures Ed that he'll have the lanes on the ceiling if that's what Ed really wants. Ed says, "Just find the fucking ball, you worthless piece of shit." I think something's bugging Ed.
Carol's waiting outside the principal's office when Jackass calls her in. She asks whether he's interviewing new Trigonometry teachers, referring to the three hoodlums waiting for their turn to see the business end of a paddle. Hey, do kids get paddled in schools anymore? Is that practice still in use? Because if it's not, maybe we should start a petition to have high-school students beaten with a wooden plank from here on out if they get out of line. Are you with me, people? I ask you, ARE YOU WITH ME, PEOPLE?! Eh. Probably not. I'm damned lucky if anyone's still reading this crap. Anyway, Principal Jackass has been looking over Carol's lesson plans, and thinks that she's clearly in a rut. Carol's stunned, and says this is the first time that's been brought to her attention. Jackass tells her that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that young teachers get in ruts all the time. Carol brings up the fact that the students voted her Best Teacher for three years running, and that she would have gotten it the fourth year, but Mr. Leonard threw a luau in his back yard for all the students, and Carol doesn't have room for a luau in her own back yard. Jackass suggests that maybe she could have thrown an orgy that fourth year. Carol says she did, and maybe that's why Mr. Leonard won. They share a hearty laugh over the joke, and then they have hot sex on his desk. Well...not really. But if I were in charge of writing Ed, I think you see what direction I'd be taking it, huh? Anyway, Jackass tells Carol that maybe it's time she rethink and retool her lesson plans, since she might be getting a bit stale. Carol says that Jackass has had it in for her since his first day, and reprimands him, "You're no teacher, you're an administrator!" She then beats a hasty retreat, and Jackass is left shellshocked and stunned. Almost flabbergasted...but not quite.
Commercials. Did you know that you get a free Shrek video if you test-drive a Kia Sedona, or something that sounds an awful lot like that? Me neither! I know what I'm doing this weekend! I'm test-driving a Kia Sedona, getting my free tape, popping some popcorn, and yukking it up Shrek-style. Oh. And I also plan on wedging a thick block of bleu cheese in between the seats during my test drive. It's kinda like my test-drive signature. Keeps the local car dealers busy.
Outside the courtroom, Ed walks up to Ron. Ed seems just a tad pissed off as he asks why Ron didn't return his calls. Ron ignores the question and comments on what a snappy dresser Ed is. Ed says that Ron lied, adding that Ron makes his employees dress sexily, and that's harassment, Bucko. Ron says that scantily clad female employees lead to a fuller shopping experience for the men because -- and say it with me here, kids -- sex sells. Ed tells Ron he's going to have to find someone else to defend him in this case, because Ed doesn't agree with what Ron's doing, and that Ron's guilty of sexual harassment. As the case begins, Ed announces that he's withdrawing from the case due to moral issues with his client. The judge tells Ed to meet him in his chambers, and to wear that cute little silk number the judge is so fond of.
Ed meets the judge in the chambers, leaving the silk number in his briefcase, so no hanky panky takes place, which is probably good because I just ate, and even though there's nothing wrong with homosexual acts taking place between a lawyer and a judge...well, I'm just not fully prepared to recap it, I guess. The judge informs Ed that the world is not all full of teddy bears, and he understands that Ed wants to drop the case because Ron is a bad man -- the kind of bad man who'd beat a kid up and take his lunch money, but not the kind who'd entice a kid into his car and then leave him buried alongside some deserted highway in a shallow grave with his underoos hanging from a nearby tree. Ron's bad, but he's not psychotic. Then, the judge tries to explain the judicial system using a tube sock. I kid you not. He then tells Ed that if he decides not to defend Ron, the judge will have Ed sent before the disciplinary committee. Daaa-yummm! This judge means business! I guess you get a little testy when you have to explain complicated matters using foot apparel.
Meanwhile, Nancy's feeding The Evil Baby Sarah some kind of strained carrots or peaches or some shit that helps nourish The Evil Baby Sarah's soul and prepares her for an early global domination. Nancy's prattling on and on that Daddy wants Nancy to have a little brother or sister for The Evil Baby Sarah, and asks what The Evil Baby Sarah thinks. The Evil Baby Sarah sits and stares at an evil baby wrangler off camera who's clearly holding The Evil Baby Sarah's contract in his hands and looking like he's about to rip it in half, oblivious to the inner turmoil that her "mother" is facing. Nancy tells The Evil Baby Sarah that if she thinks Mommy should wait to have another baby, she should just sit there and do nothing but look adorable. The Evil Baby Sarah flinches for just a second -- just long enough to have been considered "stirring." Nancy accepts this as not moving, and gets excited, wanting a high five from the kid. The Evil Baby Sarah continues staring at the evil baby wrangler holding an electric cattle prod off-camera. So now we know the secrets of how TV babies can be so cute and adorable: they're threatened repeatedly with baby electrocution. Y'see? There's always something to be learned in Uncle Bob's recaps.
Ed walks into Suitopia, and this fine-assed babe walks up to him and starts flirting. Ed removes his sunglasses and the gal gasps, telling Ed he has the most attractive blue eyes she's ever seen. Another employee walks up and wants to wait on Ed, but the first employee says she got him first. The second one pouts and says, "You always get the cute ones!" Ed grins and says that even though he knows this is all faker than Britney Spears's boobs, he's still enjoying it. Ron spots Ed and calls him "Get Even Stevens," and I kick myself in the ass for not coming up with it first. All this time, I've been flirting with using the nickname Ed "The Crippler" Stevens...and "Get Even" beats the crap out of "The Crippler." Anyhoo, Ron tells Ed that he wants to "dress [Ed] up in [his] love," which could quite possibly be the gayest thing I've ever heard one man say to another on national television. Ed tries to wheedle out of the lawsuit by telling Ron that the case is no good; they're not going to win, and Ed wants to settle out of court. Ron punches Ed in the mouth several times and says that there's no way he's settling out of court, punctuating each word with another sock in the choppers, which could quite possibly be the most violent yet homoerotic thing I've ever seen one man do to another on national television.
Back at the alley, Kenny and Phil are using metal detectors up and down the bowling lanes, trying to find the missing bowling ball. Ed thinks this is ludicrous, but doesn't use that exact word; that's something I thought up with my own little pea-brained head. Phil points out that it's a possibility that the ball could have had some metallic paint in its design and metal detectors are a must in this quest for the Russian's ball. Kenny's detector keeps going crazy every time he lifts it near his forehead. Not really. That's just another of the many lies with which I pepper my recaps.
Molly shows up at the alley, demanding to know whether Ed has dropped the case yet. Ed says he's not dropping the case. Molly wants to know why; after all, Ron's disgusting and Ed needs to make a statement by not handling his case. Molly informs Ed that the man is a pig and insinuates that Ed is trying to get him off the hook. Ron also makes women dress like whores to keep their jobs. Ed, for some unknown reason other than to keep the plotline alive, doesn't tell Molly that he's being forced to represent Ron by a tube sock-wielding judge. Molly, without being provoked to do so, decides to share with Ed the real reason she wants to see Ron punished. I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I can tell where we're going with this story. Apparently, when Molly was in college, she went to apply for a job at a pizza place with two of her friends. Her two good-looking, slender friends got the jobs, and Molly didn't. It seems the owner thought that if he hired Molly, she'd eat up all the profits. They'd send her out to deliver a dozen pizzas, and she'd show up at homes empty-handed with pepperonis dripping off her chins. She realizes that the world is not a perfect place where pizzas are free, but goddammit, it's up to Ed to try to fix discrepancies like this. Please. Ed. For the love of God. Drop the case. At this point, Ed had every right in the book to tell Molly to hump off. Lemme tell you what: I recap TV shows for a little pocket money, y'know? If some female friend of mine that I wasn't humping, hadn't humped, and had no interest in ever humping came up to me and told me that I shouldn't recap a certain show because she found it morally unfit for her tastes, she'd be chomping down on a big ol' steaming bowl of fuck for all I care. I'm sorry, Sweetie. I've gotta pay the bills somehow, and my days as a gigolo were over the day I hit 250 lbs. I can't believe Ed stood there and took this crap from Molly. I woulda dropped her like a Mexican hot plate.
While Molly's giving Ed the third degree, Carol's still trying to teach the kids about The Great Gatsby when Principal Jackass walks in and motions that he's just going to stand in the back of the class and silently observe Carol's teaching skills. Carol's slightly taken aback, but continues with the lesson, which is obviously boring the crap outta the kids. Jackass notes that the kids look like lobotomized zombies, so he decides to take the reins. He interjects into Carol's monologue, and the kids perk up. It's like a really shitty episode of Fame all of a sudden as the kids start grooving to the beat of a different educator. Jackass puts a lot of feeling into his speech about Gatsby, almost to the point where I started to pay attention to what he was saying, rather than tuning it out. The key word being "almost." He suggests that Warren change his name to Ward Chesterfield. Warren, sporting a new, hip hairdo, brightens up as he listens to the cool cat be-bop jazz that Jackass is rapping at the kids. Jackass finishes, walks up to Carol, and says, "I guess I was in the mood for a little administrating." Carol squirts a load in her panties, which is her way of showing approval. It's also how skunks send off mating signals. If skunks wore panties.
Commercials. Okay, I've never sent this commercial before, but it's for Pedia Care Drops or something like that. Anyway, they've got this baby in the commercial that's about seventeen times creepier than The Evil Baby Sarah. This kid has eyes bigger than a $20 candle. They're freaking huge. At first, I thought the lady was holding E.T., and then I looked closer and it was a freaking baby. time the commercial comes on, watch it, check out the kid, and tell me I'm lying. Because I'm not. This baby is a freak and has no business being in commercials when people are still awake and trying to be entertained. Ow. Disturbing, I'm tellin' ya...I'm going to have nightmares of that baby tonight.
At the bowling alley, Donnie is cleaning out his locker. Ed asks why, and Donnie says that he's lost his Devastator and there's no use in continuing bowling. His amateur bowling career is finished. Or as the Russians put it, it's "Delstrinko." Actually, I don't think that's a Russian word. I'm pretty sure I just made it up. But it sure sounded Russian and I bet if I didn't tell you it wasn't Russian, you'd be pretty impressed with me right about now, huh? Anyway, Phil walks in and says he's come up with a solution to find the ball. He tells Kenny to loosen the bloodhounds. A large number of small dogs of every breed come yipping out of a back room, going positively batshit. Phil quietly tells Ed that bloodhounds are kinda pricey, so he had to bring in all these dogs that weren't really bloodhounds. Ed asks Phil what's going on, and Phil whispers that he's buying time....shhhhhhh. Ed's confused, but after dealing with Phil on a daily basis, he's lucky he's not completely baffled. Or, God forbid, flabbergasted.
Carol runs into Jackass in the hallway, and proceeds to tell him that she didn't appreciate him coming in to her classroom and teaching the kids. Jackass smirks and says, "Well, the students did." Carol asks what is it that she has to do to make Jackass happy -- shoot fireworks out her ass? I'm not sure Jackass wants to see that, but I'll admit, if I saw a hot chick shooting fireworks out her ass, that's one memory I'd carry with me to the grave. Jackass asks her when was the last time she actually read the book around which that her lessons revolved. Carol hem-haws, coughs, sputters, scratches behind her ear with her left foot, sniffs her own ass, and basically pretends she didn't hear the question. Jackass tells her that her own students think she's a joke and have devised a game behind her back to make fun of her. This shocks Carol, who's not used to not being liked. So she sees Warren and confronts him at his locker. "What's the f'n deal with this Bingo game, bitch?" she asks him. Warren laughs nervously and says that he doesn't know what she's talking about. Carol grabs his shoulders, knees him in the groin, and asks him again to spill his guts. A nearby girl tells Warren just to go ahead and tell her before she whips out a pair of scissors and goes all Bobbitt on his ass. Warren tells Carol that Bingo is a game that the students play whenever she uses one of her "Vesseyisms" -- phrases like "go deep" or "copious notes" or "Warren Cheswick is a sex robot." Carol's shocked but satisfied with Warren's answer and calls him a pussboy for folding so quickly before storming away in a patented huff. Warren asks the girl standing there why she told him to spill the beans about Bingo. The girl shrugs, "It builds character," and walks away. Warren mutters, "You suck" as she walks away. News flash, Cheswick...YOU'RE the one on the productive end of a colossal suck job, my friend.
Nancy comes home from wherever the hell she's been all day to find the house spotless. She walks through the house looking for Mike, who's upstairs in a terrycloth robe and painted toenails. She compliments him on a job well done, and he asks her in a fey Southern accent whether she "reckons he could use her shower, ma'am." Mike is obviously into a little kinky role playing in the bedroom as he's currently starring in the plum role of Scarlett O'Hara. He asks her if she'd mind massaging his shoulder, since he's so sore from cleaning out the closet. Nancy stiffens. She runs to the closet, and all of those business suits are now gone. She asks Mike what he did with the clothes. Mike's still acting like a southern gay man; she tells him to can it. He tells her he boxed them up and took them to the church to give to homeless people. Visions of the crazy lady downtown busting the seams on her Donna Karem collection swim through her head as Nancy, for lack of a better term, fucking goes off on Mike. Mike doesn't really see what the problem is, but those of us men at home who have an inkling of common sense can see it a mile away. She simply doesn't want people wearing her clothes and getting their stink juice all over them. I mean...duh, Mike. Duh.
Carol and Ed are having lunch when Carol asks whether he's dropped Ron's case yet. Ed says no, and that it's been the worst week ever. Carol tries to top him by telling him that she's so dull, kids have developed a game to capitalize on their utter boredom. She then mentions going to Jackass, and Ed pretends to fall asleep when she brings up Jackass's name. That's Ed's favorite joke -- to pretend he's not interested in the men Carol has the hots for when secretly, in the privacy of his own home, he's plotting their violent and bloody deaths on a daily basis. Carol explains all the stuff that Jackass wants her to do, like actually read the books she's supposed to read and grade tests fairly and stop wearing bras and wear short skirts to school and walk down the hallways on her hands. Ed fancies himself a modern-day Gatsby and throws out a pretty straight-on British accent as he talks smack. Carol calls him a dork, and he corrects her by calling himself a "Gatsbyesque" dork. Personally, I think plain "dork" was sufficient, but whatever floats Ed's boat, y'know? It's like wrapping a ribbon around a dog turd. It may look pretty, but it's still dog shit.
In court, the prosecutor is quizzing Heather Ross. They ask her to describe a typical day at Suitopia. She says that when she came in each morning, Ron would look her over to make sure she was showing enough leg. Then he'd say it's "showtime!" and make the girls get out on the floor and act like bimbos to move the suits. He'd even suggest flirty things they should say, like, "Hey, Cowboy, when did you ride into town?" "Yo Studsicle...Let me lick you up and down," and "I make a mean sandwich after hot sex." They were told to let their hands linger across the customer's body while they fitted him for a jacket. At this point, I'll admit, I was sporting wood just listening to the woman describe her typical day. I feel quite sure that I'd accidentally soil my share of suits if my ass ever popped into Suitopia. After a while, Heather quit playing by Ron's rules and started acting respectable and professional. Her sales plummeted because men in Stuckeyville obviously like handjobs from whores along with their clothing purchases. But the important thing is that even though Heather was fired for not feeling guys up as part of her suggestive selling techniques, she still respects herself. The prosecution feels this is a great place to end, and announces that he's reached the end of his list of questions. Ed pops up, waltzes over to her, and asks whether it's true that she used to work at Flinty McDuff's as a waitress. OMG!! BUSTED! Apparently, at Flinty's, waitresses have to dress in skimpy outfits and flirt with customers. All together now....EWWWWWWWW!!! Whoever heard of that?!? So basically, Heather had to use her sexuality to sell chicken wings at Flinty's, but it wasn't okay to whore herself out to sell suits. Ed says that Heather should have just quit at Suitopia rather than sue Ron. I think now's as good a time as any to admit that we here at MBTV...well, we're all victims of Wing Chun's and Sars's sexual advances as well. I cannot begin to count the number of emails I've received from these ladies in which they tell me that if I don't start sending naked pictures of my legendary assbutt, they're going to see to it that I never work in this internet bidnitt again. At first, I rebuked their demands. These days, between the two of them, they have enough shots of my legendary and semi-muscular assbutt to fill an art museum. ["It wouldn't be a big museum -- like, the size of a respectable bungalow -- but a museum nonetheless." -- Wing Chun] This is nothing I'm proud of -- in fact, I hang my head in shame every time I see either of their names in my inbox, knowing that the email will be yet another drunken demand for yet another shot of my taut and dimpled pale butt cheeks. I hear I'm not the only one. Omar G's ass has been photographed so many times it has its own agent now. So dear readers, please understand...the life of an MBTV recapper is not all champagne wishes and caviar dreams. Sometimes, it's a disturbing visit to a dark realm of pale ass photography. ["You love it, Bob. Now, get out the camera: I got a blank spot on the wall in my den." -- Wing Chun]
Let's see...where was I....hmmmmm....
Oh yeah. So Ed rakes this poor girl over the coals, insinuating that she only takes jobs where she gets to use her finest assets, and then court's adjourned for the day.
Ed hauls ass out of the courtroom, and Molly catches up to him. She asks where he's going, and he says he's gotta grab something to eat. Molly suggests a nice big steak to celebrate the fact that he just tore up any of Heather's self esteem that she may have retained after being demeaned by working in the ugly world of retail. "Good for you," Molly says. "You're one heck of a lawyer, Ed Stevens." Ed wants to know what her problem is; Molly wants to know what happened to Ed. Ed says he's just doing his job, and that he specializes in all kinds of laws, not just good-guy laws. Molly asks whether it ever occurred to Ed that the Rons of the world always win and she always loses? Ed f'n loses his shit, says, "Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself all the time," and storms off. Molly is C-R-U-S-H-E-D. An editorial note here...I've always liked Molly. She's sassy without being snotty. But if she pulled that stunt with me, she'd be fishing splintered pool cues out of her ass for weeks. GET OVER IT, MOLLY. You can't get a job where you're stuffed into bicycle shorts and halter tops because you'd freak people out. We get it. Jeez.
Commercials. I'm still too steamed about Molly's bitchiness to notice them. I'm pacing the floor, hoping that in the ten minutes we find out Molly's having the period from hell or something. I don't like the -- dare I say it -- Evil Baby Molly!
Nancy walks into her bedroom to find Mike unpacking all of her pwecious widdle business suits out of the pwecious widdle box that he forced the local church staff to hand over at gunpoint. Nancy apologizes for going postal on Mike earlier, and says it's not just the suits -- it's more than that. Mike insists that he's going to be supportive of whatever it is he's supposed to be supporting. Nancy explains that giving up the suits is basically giving up the hope that she will ever be a productive cog in the business machine again. She loves The Evil Baby Sarah and all -- you know, as much as a mother can possibly love the spawn of Satan -- but she also wants to leave the option open of one day escaping The Evil Baby Sarah's clutches and joining the rest of society into helping save this economic downward spiral we're currently going through. Mike says it's okay; he just doesn't want to be an old dad. Christ. I really wanna smack both Molly and Mike this episode. They're both working on my every last freakin' nerve tonight with their whiny uptight crap. Nancy says that even though she may not want another child right now, she still enjoys certain aspects of the baby-making process. Mike doesn't understand. Nancy asks whether he needs a sports analogy to explain what she's talking about, and he says yes. So she says, "Imagine Michael Jordan stuffing his pee-pee in Serena Williams's penalty box over and over again. Get it now, Dipshit?" Mike smiles and appreciates the sports analogy. Meanwhile, Uncle Bob's flabbergasted by the amount of obscenities being wielded around inside his brain right about now.
Back in the classroom, Carol's still talking about The Great Gatsby. Granted, it's been a while since I saw the inside of a classroom, but damn, it seems like we kinda moved on after we had totally run a topic into the ground back in my day. Carol wants to know who all has read the book; everyone raises their hands. She laughs and tells them to be honest; nobody's going to get in trouble if they haven't read it. Most of the hands go down. Finally, all the hands go down. Carol says that they must think that because she's forcing them to read the book, it must be pretty dull, huh? Somebody murmurs, "Bingo." But Carol read it last night and it was actually a pretty good book. So the hour belongs to the students. They can do whatever they want, but she's reading The Great Gatsby. And just like Pavlov's Mutt, these kids start picking up the book and reading it because they're not forced to read it. Get it? Do you GET IT? You have to make kids think that they're doing something of their own free will before they actually do it. Man oh man, this whole reverse-psychology thing will boggle your freakin' mind sometimes, huh?
Closing statements time in the courtroom. Basically, the prosecution says that Ron crossed the line when he fired Heather. It's not just flirting; what he did was against the law, and he should fry in hell and share a bunk bed with Osama bin Laden and he should have fireworks shoved up his ass on an hourly basis. Ed says that, yeah, Ron's an f'n scumbag. He deserves the whole bin Laden/fireworks thing. His mere existence is demeaning toward women, toward Ed, and toward the jury. But Ron didn't break the law. When Heather Ross decided she wasn't going to play his little "Dress Extremely Casual Day" game, he didn't fire her -- he accepted her refusal. He only fired her when her sales went to the basement. Ed admits that he only defended the guy because it was his job. Now the jury -- no matter what they may think of this arrogant bastard -- need to go do their job, give Ron a fair verdict, and find him innocent. The jury does their collective impression of Helen Keller, staring at him blankly.
Carol enters Jackass's office and tells him that she understands they haven't exactly clicked since he started at the school, and she's not really in love with his methods of teaching. But he helped her and showed her how to make a connection with her students. Jackass grunts at her. She stands there for a second and says, "Thanks." She waits for him to acknowledge her. He doesn't, so she makes one of her trademark huffy exits. She then walks back in and informs him that in this society, when someone says "thanks," it's common courtesy to say, "You're welcome." Jackass sits there silently. Carol asks, "Why do you hate me?" and Jackass says, "Maybe I'm just bored." Christ on a stick. Look up "lethargic" in the dictionary. You'll see Jackass's face staring silently at you.
The jury has returned. They find for the defendant, which in this week's episode would happen to be Ron. Ron's delighted and joyfully shakes Ed's hand. Ed looks like he just received an email from his employers demanding another demeaning ass shot.
Back at the alley, Ed and Carol are seated at the snack bar. "You don't look like a guy who just won a case," she says. "Ron goes unpunished," Ed says. Carol asks whether he's talked to Molly lately, and he says that he said something to Molly that he shouldn't have. Carol asks whether he called her a massive diseased cow with teats the size of soccer balls, and he says no. Phil struts up and says, "Like the bartender said to the two horses: why the long faces?" Then he cracks up hysterically at the insanely stupid joke. He asks them whether they're ready to be Stubbsified. This intrigues Carol and Ed, so they follow Phil to the pit of the bowling alley several miles below the earth's core. Phil tells the two to brace themselves, because what they're about to see is going to be shocking. He removes a fake wall and behind it are several knickknacks...and the missing Russian bowling ball. Phil goes to pick up the ball, and it's broken in half. Back upstairs among the lanes, Ed wants to know, if Phil knew it was downstairs all along, why he pretended to look for it all week. Just then, the ball comes rolling out into the ball return as Donnie sees it and acts like it's a miracle. "Consider yourselves...Stubbsified," Phil grins. Phil had to wait for an exact replica of the ball to be made and sent to the bowling alley, because as a bowling alley manager, he's in the business of creating dreams and illusions. "You wouldn't understand," he chuckles, putting his hands on either side of Ed's head. "Get your hands off my face," Ed says quietly. Man, he's a touchy bastard when he wants to be.
That evening, Ed's alone in the bowling alley, closing up shop, when Molly walks in. She has brought him something. Judging from the package, my guess is...it's a suit. Sure enough...it's a suit. She calls it her little pound of flesh. Ed apologizes for telling her to quit feeling sorry for herself, and she tells Ed to please not turn into a wuss now. Ed tries on the suit and it's way too big for him. Molly says she had no idea Ed was such a tiny man. Ed tells her not to worry -- he'll just have Ron take it in for him. This infuriates Molly, who tries to attack Ed. They wrestle up and down the lanes. Lots of blood is spilled, clumps of hair are everywhere, knees are finding new homes in opposite crotches...etc. The episode ends.
I'm left with a big ol' stinking feeling of "eh." This episode didn't do much for me except give me a real sour taste in my mouth over Molly. It's little wonder she's without a boyfriend; she probably has a long list of guys she's nagged to death. week's episode looks good, though: the Halloween episode! Kenny and Shirley as Sonny and Cher...man, there's gonna be some hot monkey lovin' week fo' sho'!
Oh yeah...the Tootsie Pop. Sorry, kid, I ran out of those a half hour ago. You need to look into a speed-reading course or something.
...Jackass.