I'm warning you right now...I don't do this episode justice. The last five minutes or so was some of the most touching television I've ever experienced. In fact, I'm still touching myself, if that tells you anything. Which I'm sure it doesn't.
We crank it up with Mike and Ed standing in line for coffee at the local coffee emporium. "Why are we standing in line for coffee?" Ed asks. "Because we're idiots," Mike replies. Nobody steps in to debate the issue. The new principal is a few customers ahead of them. He tells the girl behind the counter that even though he's new in town, he wants to cut through all the red tape and become a regular in the coffee shop. So, starting tomorrow and every day after that, he'll stop in the shop and say "gimme the usual," and she'll pour him a black coffee. Coffee Girl gets all giggly as if he's flirting with her, and says, "Sure, Dennis. You're a regular." I think she thinks he meant he'd have sex with her. Or possibly her mother. Because she's giddier than a kid with ADD on the last day of school. Ed says hi to Dennis as he leaves. Dennis isn't sure who Ed is, and Ed reminds him that he was the one who represented Warren Cheswick in The Case Of The Drunken Loser Who Crashed His Bike last week. Dennis says something along the lines of "oh yeah," gives him a left-handed shake -- which is the ultimate insult in Stuckeyville -- and leaves. Ed's peeved. He gets to the front of the counter and orders "the usual." Coffee Girl doesn't know what that is. Ed begins to go off on a tirade about coming into this coffee shop for years, when Mike tells Ed just to let it go. Ed stews and says in a dejected voice, "Cream and five sugars."
Oh God. It's that horrible theme song again. Seriously, what grade of crack were the producers smoking when they thought this would make a good theme song? It's about as catchy as a smoke alarm going off. I'd rather listen to my wife talk about her day then listen to this theme song.
Commercials. Ooooo...I keep meaning to get out and buy some of those Crest White Strips, yet I seem to forget them every time I step into a pharmacy. I want my teeth to be blindingly white. I want to burn people's corneas with my choppers. I want to smile and have people say, "Holy shit!" and run for cover from the atomic whiteness of my smile. I've got to remember to pick up some of these bad boys.
Ed and Mike are leaving the coffee shop, and Ed's still going off on running into Dennis in the coffee shop. As I stated, Dennis gave Ed the left-handed shake, which is usually reserved for invalids and coma patients. Ed admits that Dennis just exudes cool, and wonders why they can't be as cool as the school principal. Mike asks to not be roped into this subject because Mike is, in fact, cool. Ed takes a look at him and says ,"Cool guys don't wear Dockers." Mike responds, "Dockers kick ass." Y'know...as if my day hasn't been going bad enough, now I hear that my slacks of choice are not cool. I've been wearing Dockers for twenty years and I had to find out from a freakin' TV show that I'm about as cool as getting a hummer from Grandma at a science fair.
At the bowling alley, Molly and Shirley are sitting in a booth going over the surprise party that Molly's throwing herself for her birthday. Note to producers: We get the picture. Molly is one lonely woman. But throwing a surprise party for yourself goes beyond lonely...that's pitiful and pathetic. Ed walks up, and Shirley informs Ed about the party. Ed says that's how it's been for years; Molly's always thrown her own birthday parties. Shirley is disgusted, and says she can't be a part of this. I'm right there with ya, sista. This year, Molly wants a moon walk. Ed asks why. Molly's reasoning makes about as much sense as joining the Taliban these days. Apparently, Molly wanted to be an astronaut when she was younger, but instead she ended up a wisecracking sidekick to an aging prom queen. On the other hand, Neil Armstrong walked on the moon at age thirty-two. Since Molly's turning thirty-two, it's only appropriate that she take a symbolic walk on the moon. Ed mentions that it'll be fun when they get drunk. Molly agrees, and they tweak each other's nipples in excitement for an abnormally long amount of time. As she and Ed giggle like schoolkids, a handsome traveling bowling-paraphernalia salesman strolls in. Jim's the name, and flirting with Molly is apparently his game. He's brought Ed some bowling pins that have celebrities faces painted on them. He demonstrates one that Ed mistakes for Beau Bridges when it's actually Jeff Bridges. The entire time, Molly is making goo-goo eyes at Jim like somebody slipped some Crazy Glue into her Visine.
In his office, Mike is administering a checkup to a woman when he goes to reach for a tongue depressor. Here's the catch: there are no tongue depressors! So Mike knocks on Dr. Jerome's door and asks if he can nab a couple of tongue depressors, since he's out. Dr. Jerome tells him no problem...he can borrow as many as he needs because Dr. Jerome never runs out. When he starts running low, he tells Wendy to order more, and she does. That's how it works around the office. Dr. Jerome then notices a small spot on Mike's tie, and offers Mike his own tie. Mike declines, but Dr. Jerome won't hear of it; he loosens his tie and tosses it to Mike. He then offers him his car and his house keys, and reminds Mike that his wife's name is Rhonda and his dog is Spartacus. Mike is about ready to blow when he excuses himself from the room before he Hulks out and slams Jerome's bony ass up against the wall and pummels him with his beefy fists.
Back at the alley, Kenny and Phil are watching magician David Blaine on television, as he does some magic trick on a street. Kenny says it's about time magic was brought back to the streets. Phil can't believe that this is the same David Blaine who bags supermodels and tickled Madonna's ovaries with his magic wand o' love. Phil calls Blaine a hack. Kenny says that Phil's just jealous because he didn't get the host job on Outragiacs!. Phil reminds Kenny that the show wanted him, but he passed. A man walks in needing to see the bowling-alley lawyer. That would be Ed, in case anyone has already forgotten. Phil and Kenny continue watching Blaine as he levitates on the street, freaking some ladies out. Phil says that anybody can do that, which sets up Phil's wacky scam of the week.
Ed welcomes a disheveled George McPherson into his office. Shirley asks whether either of them would like an imported Mexican soda she ordered off of the internet. George declines. She then asks Eduardo in fluent Spanish. Eduardo declines her tantalizing treats. George has come to Ed to change his name. Ed asks what he wants to change it to and George says, "Richard Benjamin." Ed reminds George that there's already a famous actor by the name of Richard Benjamin. George then just pulls Richard -- no, RICK...Van Stratten out of the air. Rick Van Stratten sounds like a good guy. Ed asks why George wants to change his name. George says that he spends each day in the corporate office of a grocery store chain and drinks himself to sleep each night. That may be good enough for George McPherson, but it's not enough for Rick Van Stratten. He's leaving George McPherson behind and starting a new life for himself.
Ed, Carol, and Molly are having lunch; the two ladies are making fun of George/Rick. Ed admits that he's kind of impressed with what George is doing. The ladies think it's weird. In a very sloppy fashion, Molly steers the subject to Ed's bowling paraphernalia salesman, Jim. Ed says, "Ha Ha! I KNEW it!" He then tells Carol that this guy is the perfect man for Molls. Carol's impressed. They have more chemistry than...well, he can't think of any famous chemists. He asks Molly for the name of a chemist, and Molly makes him promise that if she gives him a chemist's name, he will stop the teasing. He promises. She says Antoine LeVoisier or some obscure French chemist who was probably one of the show's writers and not a famous chemist. Ed finishes his analogy and then says, "You should go out with him," which makes Molly hit Ed and act like she's twelve. She hit him hard. The kind where the average man would forget that Molly was a woman and haul off and give her an atomic noogie.
Mike goes home to Nancy and tells her he's made a big decision. He's decided to quit the practice. He can no longer work for that ogre, Dr. Jerome. He's tired of being Dr. Jerome's plaything. (He fortunately leaves out the phrase "pseudosexual" before the word "plaything.") He's been waiting three years for Jerome to retire or kick the bucket and give the practice to him, but that's obviously never going to happen. He doesn't care anymore and says no job is worth this humiliation, except maybe Larry Flynt's gig, but then you have to factor in that whole paralysis thing and it probably still isn't worth it. I'm sitting here thinking that, obviously, Mike's never recapped TV shows for a paycheck. ["You're not paralyzed. Yeeeeeet." -- Wing Chun] Nancy wonders what they'll do to make ends meet, and before she can stroke her inner thighs and suggest prostitution, Mike tells her he's going to start his own practice. Nancy rallies behind her husband and will support him in any endeavor he decides to undertake. Meanwhile, my wife's still ashamed of her husband and his "stupid TV review thing."
Zigzagging back to the lunch, Ed is just getting up from the table and telling Molly and Carol that he will meet them outside when Principal Jackass walks in. Molly spills the proverbial beans and tells Carol that Dennis is forcing Warren to work with the janitors after school as a punishment for getting David Mirsky drunk and almost killing him. This infuriates Carol, who seems to be looking for any excuse to talk to the principal. She tells the principal that if he has a problem with her, he should take it out on her and not on Warren. Dennis looks at her coolly and informs her that he doesn't really think about her enough to actually have a problem with her and, to be honest, he can't even remember her last name. Is it "Vessney"? "Vestry"? This makes Carol extremely hot under the collar, because she used to be the prom queen, dammit, and every red-blooded male in this entire stinking town not only knows her name but still wants her to saddle up on their respective baloney ponys. Dennis smiles and tells her to relax; he was just having a little lunchtime fun with her. Meanwhile, Ed has seen the entire scene go down, and looks a bit perturbed about it. Actually, it's more of a "hornswaggled" look than a perturbed look. You know...if we're going to split hairs here. I think he was trying to look perturbed, but didn't quite achieve the look. Plus, I'd certainly hate to short change the people that are partial to seeing hornswaggling looks from actors.
Commercials. Jimmy Dean Sausage has now unveiled their new microwavable sausage patties with the slogan, "Wouldn't it be great if sausage cooked in less than a minute?" Well yes, J.D., that would just be swell. That way, I could get my arteries to clog up in a quarter of the time that it's currently taking me. Here's a hint, Jimbo: that toupee you wear? It looks like a bullet-riddled fruit bat. It may be time to share your bald pate with the rest of America.
In the alley, Phil walks up to a woman and wants to show her something. The woman almost panics with the thought of having L'il Stubby waved in her face. Phil tells her to watch as he levitates off of the floor. There's no camera tricks in this shot...and frankly, there's no magic, either. Phil is standing on the toes of his left foot, convinced that this is how magicians conjure up the illusion of levitation. He turns around and tells the woman, "Let's go make out." She shows restraint and manages not to spew vomit everywhere, simply saying, "I don't think so." Phil tells Kenny that son of a bitch David Blaine makes it look so easy. Kenny thinks Blaine uses computerized shoes in order to elevate his body weight. If Phil had any sense whatsoever, he'd disagree with Kenny. No disagreement ensues.
On a basketball court, Mike and Ed are shooting hoops when Dennis walks up. Ed asks if he's been running, and Dennis says he has, but that he's not as fast as he used to be. The subject painfully gets around to where Dennis is from, and he doesn't have a pat answer. He's been out west, overseas, New York City...NEW YORK CITY?!? Ed used to live there! Ed asks him if he ever made it to Zeal's, a hip little jazz club in NYC. Dennis admits he hadn't, and refrains from adding, "There's a million jazz clubs in New York City, you fucking bonehead." Dennis shoots one more ball and then excuses himself. Mike decides that the time is right to poke a little fun at Ed, and starts in on him. "Man...those cool cats could seriously bang, brother. They were far out." Ed tells Mike that he's focusing on the wrong thing here: Dennis is so much cooler than both of them. He's got that whole aloof disgruntled jerkweed asshole pattern down to a T.
Back at the alley, Molly comes walking in, all dolled up like a four-year-old who found Mama's makeup bag. Ed asks her, "What's going down" (which he pulled out of his witty repartee book), and she says she thinks she lost her pocket comb at the bowling alley. Which is the flimsiest excuse ever in the history of mankind. Jim the bowling-pin guy happens to be there, drilling holes in bowling balls. Molly says, "Here goes nothing," and walks over to Jim. She asks what he's doing, and he tells her. She asks whether she can give it a try, and he shows her how to do it by gently pulling the lever down. She yanks the lever down on the ball and it splits in two. She feels horrible as Jim explains it was a $200 ball she just destroyed, reminding her that the key word in the action was indeed "gently." Molly's about to cry as she admits she didn't know what she could have done to have the ball crack like that. Jim chuckles and tells her that the ball was already cracked. That wiseguy! He's the type of wiseguy you just want to playfully punch in the nuts. Repeatedly. He points out to her that the life of a bowling-ball salesman is not that glamorous, so he gets his kicks where he can.
George/Rick shows up, wanting to sign the final forms. Ed's taken aback at first, because he doesn't know who the hell this guy is. G 'n' R has dyed his hair black, shaved off his beard, and is dressed like Uncle Bob going to a funeral. Basically, he's a whole new guy. Carol says that it's none of her business, but this is a pretty drastic deal here: what gives? G 'n' R agrees that it's none of her goddamned business, but offers her the reason that life's too short to be someone you don't want to be. Ed tells G 'n' R to wait in his office, and he'll get the papers. Carol asks Ed whether it ever occured to him that G 'n' R is a fugitive. Ed says, "What?" and Carol says she thinks he's on the run from John Law. Ed asks if that's Jude Law's brother. Carol smacks Ed in the head, and Ed once again has to take physical abuse from the ladies, fighting the demons inside of him to respond with the Noogie from Hell. Ed thinks G 'n' R's on to something.
Mike goes in to see Dr. Jerome. Jerome is all like, "Is there something you want to discuss?" Mike's all like not saying anything because he's trying to decide how to word his resignation. Finally, he's all like, "Well, I'm ordering Chinese for lunch," and Jerome's all like, "I'll take two egg rolls, Hunan chicken, a side of shrimp fried rice, and plenty of duck sauce. Don't let 'em play games with the duck sauce." And then Mike's all like bummed that he didn't quit. And I'm all like a bad episode of Felicity.
Mike meets Nancy for dinner at what must be The Smiling Goat, because it's dark, dank, and reeks of stale beer and antique urinal cakes. Nancy asked how the quitting went, and Mike tells her, "I didn't do it." Nancy lets him know that if he's miserable, he should quit. That Nancy -- she should be a motivational speaker or something. Mike says that there was no last straw. Y'see, Mike had it planned that he would leave when Dr. Jerome gave him a last straw of humiliation, but he didn't say anything demeaning to Mike, which marks the first day in years that the old codger took it easy on the lunkhead. Ed pops in, and it's really hard to explain just what the hell he's doing. He's dressed like a retarded pimp and acting like Michael Jackson on 'ludes. Nancy says "oh, Lord" when she sees him, while Mike explains to Ed that he looks ridiculous. Ed tells him that's where he's wrong, adding, "my large-foreheaded friend." Where is it written that Ed Stevens can't be this guy? Mike says, "By 'this guy' -- you mean a third-rate gigolo?" Ed ignores the comment and announces that he's out birddogging the ladies, he's making a change, he's now the "Hat Guy" -- the "Danger Guy." Mike and Nancy are convinced that this has something to do with the fact that Carol won't invite Ed into her bedroom to play with her kitten. Ed swears it has nothing to do with Carol. It's the fact that life's too short, blah blah blah. He tells them, "Watch this." He jumps up from the table and asks a passing woman if she'd like to join him for a soothing cocktail. She says she's busy and he says, "Is that right?" momentarily shifting back into dork mode. Mike says, "Knock, Knock? Who's there? Mr. Reality. Ohhhhh, come on in, Mr. Reality." Nancy giggles at her hot, non-Latin lover's witty sense of humor. Ed informs the both of them that the Hat Guy knows he just needs one "yes." He then informs the two of them that he's never had a one-night stand. Nancy says it's so not like Ed to want a one-night stand. Ed ignores her and decides to hit on another barfly. He saunters up to a hot Bonnie Hane lookalike and asks, "Hi there. Can I buy you a drink?" Nancy says she doesn't want to watch...not while she's sober. I guess if she were drunk, this would be better than Survivor. The barfly sizes Ed up and says, "Let's dance." Ed looks like a schoolboy with keys to the snack shack. Mike and Nancy watch them dance...which is not so much dancing as it is a barfly sending off physical mating calls while Ed displays his complete and utter lack of rhythm. She says, "It's like watching a really cute puppy trying to have sex with a hooker." Mike just asks, "I don't have a big forehead, do I?" Nancy tells him no. But the mirrors don't lie, Forehead Guy.
Ed and his new friend are making out in his car. She asks him if he'd like to come in: "Going once...Going twice...." Ed tells her that he's not really the Hat Guy; he's Ed McMahon, and HERE'S A BIG CHECK! Actually, he tells her he was just trying to be cool because he met this guy named Dennis who's really cool. Dennis is the type of guy who can wear a hat. "You're gay," the lady says. Ed says, "No, no...I'm quite heterosexual, thank you. I'm just not good with hats." The lady excuses herself from the car and Ed tells her to have a nice night.
Commercials. Inside Schwartz is America's favorite new comedy. Then I must have woken up in Yugoslavia, because I can't stand that f'n show.
Back in the alley, Jim is showing Ed his brand-new Luster King, which is apparently a machine that polishes the balls. I have one of those. I call it MY WIFE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! Thank you folks...drive carefully, tip your bartender and waitress. Anyway, Molly's throwing a party, and Ed thinks Jim should come. Jim says he might do that. Kenny interupts and says there's a guy in the parking lot who's been there for three hours, and Kenny thinks he's staking them out. Ed goes outside, introduces himself as the owner of the alley, and asks the guy what his deal is. The guy says he's just resting; he's got low blood sugar. Kenny suggests Kudos bars to take his sugar level up a few notches. Ed asks him if he's looking for George McPherson. The guy asks whether he knows where George is, and then quickly says he's not looking for anybody, which totally blows his cover. He asks Ed to please step away from the vehicle, and leaves. This proves that George is a mafia man. Or a fugitive. Or one of Osama's butt buddies. It proves something, that's all I know.
Ed shows up at Chez McPherson/Van Stratten, where G 'n' R is playing pool. G 'n' R tells Ed to call him "McPherson." Ed does, and he doesn't flinch, which proves that he's already accepted this whole name change fiasco thing. Ed asks him what's going on with his life, and G 'n' R says he just wanted his name changed and to start a whole new life. Ed informs him there was a guy creeping around the alley today who looked like a Private Investigator. G 'n' R panics and babbles, "You didn't tell him anything...we have lawyer/client privileges...you can't fink me out, you rat...see? You'll never take me alive, copper...see?" The Jimmy Cagney impressions lead me to believe that G 'n' R is, in fact, a crime lord. Even if I just added them to the recap myself.
In the bowling alley, Phil is sitting in a booth with two ladies and telling them to watch the cards he has fanned out in front of them. He asks them to pick a card and hold it up where he won't see it, and tells them he will be able to tell them which card it is. He then goes into a meditative holistic Tai Chi vegetarian trance. He gets a goofy look on his face and says, "Meeeeeep" to add to the illusion. Kenny's looking through some binoculars at their card, then gets on the PA System and announces, "Mr. Diamond...Lane 8 is now open." Phil guesses the eight of diamonds, and he's right. He asks whether the ladies would like to grab some dinner, but one of the girls wants to see the trick again. So Phil does it again, and once again, Kenny gets on the PA system: "Mr. Heart...Lane King is ready." Phil notices that they are really turned on by his magical powers, and suggests that they get it on. The girls have figured out the trick, and leave instead. Is it just me, or is every single woman in Stuckeyville a hottie? With the exception of that girl Donna that Warren has a crush on, very few women show up in Stuckeyville for whom I wouldn't wear a thong in bed.
Since Molly can't find that darned priceless Ming vase she's been looking for, she decides to come to the alley and hunt it down and possibly run into Jim, the guy who likes to polish his balls. Ed tells her that he invited Jim to the party, and Molly freaks out. "Have you lost your ever-loving bowling-alley lawyer mind?" she practically screams, but doesn't hit him, which is good for Ed. She wants to know what Jim said. Ed shouldn't have done this, and now Molly's life's a living hell. Ed tells Molly that Jim might come, and Molly tells Ed that through her years of being repeatedly stood up, she knows that "might come" means "won't come." Unless, of course, we're talking about sex. Then "might come" means "will come...all over your stomach!" They both share a good laugh at that and then turn to the camera and remind the kids at home watching that if they're going to have premarital sex they should use a condom and good common sense.
Over at the Stuckeyville Hospital, Dr. Jerome is sitting at his desk when Mike walks in and informs him that something terrible has happened. He's misplaced Mr. Gittleson's file. Jerome tells him to get Wendy to help find the file. Mike is really looking for Jerome to blow up, and tells him that if Gittleson were to walk in right now, they'd be screwed. The file's gone and it's all Mike's fault. Jerome ain't bitin', so Mike tells him it's gone, it's all his fault...but...he'll...go ask Wendy to help him find it. Mike's bubble's been burst so many times this episode that I'm actually starting to feel sorry for the big-foreheaded lunkhead.
Ed and Carol are parked in Ed's car with their tongues conveniently in their own mouths. Carol's says that she's not going to lie: this is her first stakeout. She's made finger sandwiches out of cream cheese and watercress for the occasion. Ed's disgusted and says that on stakeouts, you drink black coffee and eat stale chips, not finger sandwiches. Carol's okay with this, and points out that she's brought some pretty pink binoculars. She then starts playing with them, and looking at Ed through them. When she looks through them correctly, Ed is big and close...when she turns them around he's tiny and far away. You know, for a high-school teacher, she seems pretty amused at life's simple pleasures. She keeps doing this until Ed looks like he'd just as soon strangle her as dry-hump her. He mumbles that he'd never know it was her first stakeout. They see George leaving his house. "Papa Bear's leaving the nest. Let's roll," Carol says in her most authoritive voice. "Are you going to talk like that all day?" Ed asks. "That's my plan," Carol replies. "I appreciate the heads-up," Ed smirks.
Ed and Carol follow George to a pond, where he sits on a bench and stares at ducks. Carol decides that he's either waiting for a drop-off or a pick-up. Ed thinks that maybe George is telling the truth. Carol insists that he's an international spy and a serial-killing drug dealer with ties to the Russian mob. During a mini-music montage of Ed and Carol sitting in the car bored to death, we see Carol's picking her teeth, then painting her toenails while Ed puts stuff in his teeth to make it look like he's missing teeth, hoping against hope that maybe this is what will finally win Carol Vessey over. No such luck.
After the montage, Ed tells Carol that he played basketball with her friend Dennis. She says Dennis is not her friend, he's an enormous ass. Ed says he's super-cool and dangerous, and that he reminds Ed of Nick, Carol's ex-boyfriend. Ed wonders why she's attracted to men like that? It was a phase, a stage, she says. Ed says that she's miserable with jerks like Nick, so why does she keep going back to guys like him? Carol thinks about it and says maybe it's because they're dangerous. Ed asks her if she thinks people can change who they are. She doesn't know.
Hours pass, as Carol and Ed have fallen asleep. Carol wakes up with a gasp and says, "We lost him!" Ed flips on the headlights and George is still sitting there, staring at the ducks. He's been there all day and hasn't moved a muscle. I'm betting he's dead. But apparently he's not because we're shoved into a giant batch of...
...commercials. Oh, look: Sherry Stringfield is finally coming home. Great! I've needed that toilet cleaned for months now. And she can start a load of wash as soon as she walks through that door, too. Wretched woman, leaving me without any clean underwear for years.
Back in the alley, Phil's announcing to Kenny and Shirley that he's going to lay in a clear coffin for two weeks; David Blaine did it for one week, and Phil wants to make Blaine look like an amateur. Shirley wants to know how he'll do this, and Phil says he will control his breathing, which will slow his heart rate, placing himself in a state of semi-hibernation. He decides to take it for a test run. He orders, "Ready the clock, Kenneth," and then instructs Shirley to lower the lid. "Ten-four, good buddy," she says. Once locked into the casket, he lays there for a few seconds before having a total freakout, screaming, "Let me out! Let me out!!" He's crying and gasping for air. Once the lid is opened, he becomes calm and reserved. "How long was I down there?" he asks Kenny. "Eight seconds," Kenny says. Phil's impressed and quips, "That's a start." I'll go on record right here and right now: I want Phil to carry my claustrophobic babies. You know, if that were medically possible.
A woman knocks on Ed's office door. Her name is Lydia, and she's G 'n' R's wife. Ed didn't know that G 'n' R had a wife. She says there are lots of things Ed doesn't know about her husband. She wants to know where he is; Ed won't tell her because of those gosh-darned lawyer/client priveliges. Lydia informs Ed that her husband has cancer and is running away from it. When the doctor told him he had cancer, he told the doctor that he had the wrong guy and left, and they haven't seen him since. "Tell me where he is," she pleads. "I can't tell you," Ed whispers back. She offers Ed her phone number, and instructs Ed to please tell George to come home. Okay. This is the part where I started getting choked up. The entire episode you think this guy is some demon from hell, and then you find out he's dying. No tears yet. Just a burning in my chest.
Mike comes into the office three hours late, dressed like Opie Taylor if Opie grew up and was a speed freak. Dr. Jerome calls him into his office and tells him to sit down. Mike puts his feet up on Jerome's desk. In two months, Jerome will be retiring, and he wants Mike to take over the business. Mike asks if he's kidding. Jerome says, "While I pride myself in having a facile sense of humor, steeped in both satire and irony, I choose not to use it here." In two months, this will all be Mike's. Mike's waited a long time for this moment, and is very thankful for the practice. Then...in true Jerome fashion, he turns on Mike. "What makes you think you can come in here dressed like Don Ho? You look like an inbred seahorse! You're a doctor, not a belly dancer. Now take off that luau costume and get to work!" For once, Mike is glad to be home.
Carol and Molly are getting ready for Molly's party. Molly insists that Jim the ball polisher will not be coming to the party. If he were coming, he would have said he'd be there and not that he'd "try" to make it. Carol asks Molly if she thinks she can change who she is. Molly says if she dropped 125 lbs., dyed her hair blonde, and lost every glimmer of personality, she could be a dead ringer for Carol. Molly admits that her hair looks good after spending over an hour on it. It's just a shame that her new man won't be there. With all this talk, you just know he'll be there.
Ed goes to see G 'n' R and says, "Mr. McPherson." G 'n' R looks up and is a little miffed that he actually flinched. He invites Ed to play a quick game of nine-ball with him. Ed declines, because the Hat Guy doesn't play billiards. Ed says he met G 'n' R's wife, and that she told him about the cancer. G 'n' R flies into a very sedate rage, and warns Ed that he'll have him disbarred so fast his head will explode if Ed tells G 'n' R's wife where he's hiding. Ed tells G 'n' R that his wife needs him, but G 'n' R can't go see her. Because, you see, even though George is dying...he's Rick. Ed tells G 'n' R that Rick's a stranger. Ed says G 'n' R can't keep doing this, and repeats that his wife needs him. G 'n' R stands there and says she's better off without him. Okay...the eyes are watering. The burning in my chest is growing larger. But I won't cry. I will not be reduced to crying over a silly little show. I WON'T.
The bowling alley is dark as Molly walks inside. "Ed?" she calls innocently. The lights flip on and everyone yells, "SURPRISE!" "Oh my," Molly says, acting shocked. She scans the people in attendance and sees Carol kneeling down in front of everyone, sadly shaking her head "no" to silently let Molly know that he didn't show up. Nancy says that Molly could at least pretend to be surprised so Molly dejectedly says, "Wow! I can't believe this!" A tear rolls down my face. Snot bubbles are popping out of my nose and floating away like the Lawrence Welk show. To see the sad look on both Molly's and Carol's faces...man...it just made my heart drop. I'm not a sensitive bastard...but I sure didn't need to see this. I wanted to reach out and give Molly a big hug, but there's always that fear of electrocution I get when I hug my television.
The five-minutes- before-ending musical montage shows Mike popping into the alley and telling Nancy something that makes her hug him out of joy. In the moon walk, Kenny's jumping around with all the gusto of a child while Shirley makes tiny jumps and looks uncomfortable. George McPherson shows up in his old persona, walks up to Ed, and tells him to call his wife. Shirley's freaking in the moon walk. George's wife walks in; the tears begin to flow, and they hug for a long time. And son of a bitch if the sentiment didn't get to me over a guy running away from death combined with Molly's broken heart. I was boo-hoo-hooing like Shirley McLaine toward the end of Terms of Endearment when Debra Winger died. I was howling. It was embarrassing as hell. I can't explain my reasoning behind it. Maybe it was years of bottled-up cynicism flowing out, but I cried the cries of the damned. Whatever that means.
Ed walks Carol out to her car while Carol says she can't believe how wrong she was and how George changed. Ed says he changed from a guy denying who he is to who he actually is. Ed says, "Remember you said you're attracted to dangerous guys?" Carol does. Ed says it's not because they're dangerous...it's because they're safe. "Safe?" Carol asks. "Yeah," Ed replies. "Because with guys like that, you always know how it's gonna end."
Yes. It's going to end badly. And Ed's going to have to be there to pick up the remains of the disaster like a New York fireman.
Good show. Great episode. No Warren...no court case...no $10 bet. But I'm still sniffling. And that constitutes a great show in my book.