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Greetings Ed-Head! Originally, I wanted to open up this recap with what I did on my summer vacation, but it's just too damned depressing. I was a pallbearer at a friend's funeral, I quit my cushy job and started a lucrative career in the world of coffee table books, I went to the doctor more times than most people go in their entire lives, and had one doctor tell me that if I don't lose weight I'm going to die. Oh...and it burns when I pee. So. How was your summer? Yeah, yeah, yeah...like I care. I've got a show to recap. I didn't come here to listen to you bitch into your monitor like we're lifelong buds or something. Get a therapist, kid. Let's spin this cat by the tail and get started recapping.
We open with a recap of the entire first season done in forty-five seconds, ending with the cliffhanger of Ed and Carol about to get it on for the first time when the evil Bonnie Hane shows up at the front door. Y'know, I spent an average of four hours on each of twenty-two episodes last season, meaning I wasted eighty-eight hours of my life on Ed last season, and NBC manages to sum up the entire shebang in forty-five seconds. Yes...I feel like my existance is justified. For those of you who had the foresight to say, "I think I'll just wait and see if Ed gets renewed for a second season before I get involved with the show," here's your Mighty Big Synopsis. In a nutshell, Ed's a lawyer who also owns a bowling alley. He moves back to Stuckeyville because he's still harboring a crush on a girl from high school, Carol Vessey, who is now a teacher at the high school they both attended. Halfway through the season, Ed became mesmerized by a district attorney -- the evil Bonnie Hane -- who is as beautiful as she is deceptive. There are lots of wacky characters who fill out the rest of the show's cast, which has drawn comparisons to the ensemble casts of Northern Exposure, a slightly more humorous ER (if it took place in a bowling alley) and a ribald variation of Meet The Press (if Tim Russert were a lawyer).
After the recap, it's time for the thrilling beginning of the second season of the show that "America Loves...And For Those Of You Who Don't Love It, We Here At NBC Will Be Shoving It Down Your Stinking Throats, Dammit." Ed is standing in the doorway of his house, staring at the evil yet unbelievably sexy Bonnie Hane. They stare at each other for just short of an eternity before Ed breaks the ice with the always chipper "What are you doing here?" Bonnie assures Ed that if he would invite her in, she will tell him. Which is the same line Jason Patric fed to Corey Haim in The Lost Boys, and Corey damn near got his neck chomped on as a result. And let's face it...Bonnie Hane is infinitely more dangerous than your average vampire. I just hope for the show's sake that Ed has a closet full of turtlenecks nearby.
Bonnie struts into the house like she owns it and sees Carol standing there in her prom dress. Suddenly, the booty call gets disconnected. Ed, in his own imitable way, offers to introduce the two ladies. However, they already met last season in a scene more icy than your average Brian Boitano special. Bonnie asks whether she's interrupting something, and Carol says she was just leaving. Ed will have none of that, because he's been lusting for a little Carol nookie all summer, and he's not going to let it just slide between his fingers because of a little visit from the spawn of Satan. So Ed speaks up and tells Bonnie that she just interrupted a scintillating conversation about...ummm...raisins. Bonnie looks confused; Ed explains that raisins are nature's candy. Ahhh...that explains everything. Ed tells them Carol and Bonnie both to take a seat, and asks Bonnie what in the hell she is doing back in Stuckeyville. Bonnie explains that she had to come back to town to tie up some loose ends. Ed asks her how everything's going in Washington; she says everything's peachy keen. She's found a little place in Georgetown that has no windows and plenty of room for her coffin. Ed perks up at the word "Georgetown," and reminds the ladies that Georgetown is the home of the Hoyas. He then says "Hoyas" about 327 times in a ten-second period. He stops and the sounds of crickets fill the dead air. Ed racks his brain for another ice breaker and a light bulb goes off over his head. "How about some Boggle?" he says cheerfully, pulling out the Milton Bradley game out from under the coffee table. The ladies sit there silently. Ed realizes that Boggle's not the answer. The crickets continue chirping.
Opening credits. The producers have decided to eighty-six the Foo Fighters theme song and replace it with a similar tune. It's kind of like replacing the Beatles with the Partridge Family. The singer sounds like he's one teaspoon shy of a heroin overdose as he sings. I claw at my ears, thinking that a host of water beetles have somehow worked their way into my ear canals, but it's just a Pavlov's Dog reaction to this gawdawful new theme song.
Oh wow. Chex has come out with a new "Morning Mix" snack for those of us who are constantly on the run and allergic to fruit or anything that slightly resembles healthy foods. Somewhere, a fatter guy than me is crying tears of joy over this new revelation.
“ Mike is about as interested as a baby in a Theology seminar and tells Ed just to ask Carol out. Once again, Mike takes on the recurring role of Captain Obvious and saves the day. ”
Back to the show. Mike and Ed are stretching before a morning run. Ed's telling Mike the unbelievable story of Bonnie showing up on his doorstep right before he was about to get his mack on with Carol. Mike wants to know if Ed was smart and talked the women into a mnage à trois? Every single red-blooded American male is on the edge of his seat as Ed announces that he totally wussed out, and the ladies left. Ed reminds Mike that he was thisclose to kissing Carol, and Bonnie had to spoil the moment. Mike is about as interested as a baby in a Theology seminar and tells Ed just to ask Carol out. Once again, Mike takes on the recurring role of Captain Obvious and saves the day. Ed weighs the advantages of actually being honest for a change, and decides that maybe he should just throw caution to the wind and ask Carol out on an official date. Mike then bets Ed $10 that Ed won't go over to his neighbor's yard and kiss a lawn ornament shaped like a garden gnome. The neighbor, Mr. Gordon, is shirtless and watering his lawn. Ed begins to hesitate, swallows his pride, and marches over to Mr. Gordon's lawn. He exchanges friendly greetings and then leans over and kisses the gnome. He then marches back to Mike, who's giggling like a retard. Definitely one of the worst ten-dollar bets in the series so far. If ten-dollar bets were Olympic events, that one woulda been that skinny guy in the pool who finished his laps, like, fifteen minutes behind everyone else.
Carol and Molly are walking through the hallways of the school. Carol is stressing out over the whole "I almost had Ed poking me in the boo boo hole" episode while Molly is playing Mike to Carol's neurotic Ed. As they're about to round a corner, a handsome older man walks confronts them. Maybe he's not handsome; I'm not sure. I'm a heterosexual male. I may think I know what handsome is, but maybe my idea of handsome is James Woods with slicked back hair and buckteeth while yours is Tom Cruise. Really...who's to say? Anyway, the ladies ask the gentleman if they can help him. He asks for the principal's office, and the two figure out that he's the new principal of the school, which requires an incredible disbelief in time and space. If yesterday was the prom, that must mean the end of the school year is near. How many schools hire a new principal with only a few weeks left in the year? Well, I'll give you a hint, Princess Dumbina...NONE. The ladies point him in the direction of the principal's office, and let him know that if he needs help learning the ropes, they're there for him. He tells them he thinks he has it under control, and leaves. The ladies then argue over whether he was a "jerk" or a "tool," with "jerk" seemingly winning the battle. And let's keep in mind, if he's a "jerk," then Carol's libido just shot up about ten degrees.
The Stars Align
“ Bonnie corners Ed in his office and tells him that she lied: she's not in town to tie up loose ends; she came back for Ed. The sound we all hear is blood stirring in Ed's groin. ”
In the school hallway, Warren is talking to a brightly colored bus. Oh, wait a second. That's no brightly colored bus -- that's his friend Mark. Hard to believe, but Mark's even fatter this year than last year. This kid is a heart attack just waiting to happen. Warren tells him they're going to Fozzkat's party; Fozzkat is apparently the coolest guy in school. Mark doesn't believe it, because nobody in their right mind would invite Mark to a party. For one, he'd eat everything in sight. And two, every time he'd take a step, he's be punching holes in the floor unless it's reinforced steel, which most homes don't have. Donna and David walk up, smearing the fact that the only girl Warren's ever kissed is now dating the wimpiest guy in the school system. Warren asks whether they plan on going to the Fozzkat's party, and they say no, they're going to the re-release of The French Lieutenant's Woman. David brings new meaning to the term "Wussy-Faced Pansy Pants." This guy's about as macho as Lance Bass. Warren invites them to the Fozzkat's party, and they gleefully accept. "Now what?" Big Mark asks. "Calm down, my Bunyan-esque buddy," Warren reassures him. "We're going to bring beer." Mark points out the fact that Warren is not twenty-one. Warren apparently has a fiendish plan to secure the alcoholic beverages.
Mike's fixing breakfast for Nancy. Nancy's blonde now, and is much hotter this season than last. If I were Mike, I'd keep my eye on her when Ed brings his horndog self over. Nancy's going to clean house today, now that she's no longer a productive cog in the business wheel. She grabs a book -- A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius -- that's been propped up the couch. She tells Mike that she's had this book forever, and now she plans on reading it. Mike's less than impressed and offers her a Donagle -- a combination of a doughnut and a bagel. I clean the drool off my chin as I stare at this creation of Mike's, and the show progresses forward.
At the bowling alley, Shirley and Kenny are shitting bricks because the health inspector is coming to inspect the place. Kenny tells Ed that ever since Phil left, there's been a vacuum of responsibility. For those of you with short memory spans or mild retardation, Phil's in New York now, trying desperately to become the new Allen Funt with his new hit TV show Outragiacs. Ed tells Kenny to take some goddamn initiative and start running the place in Phil's absence. Bonnie Hane struts into the alley. Kenny says, "I remember you -- you're that lady." Bonnie says, "Right!" She corners Ed in his office and tells him that she lied: she's not in town to tie up loose ends; she came back for Ed. The sound we all hear is blood stirring in Ed's groin.
“ Big Mark jumps out with a keg of beer and says, 'As Edith Bunker would say, "Here's your beer, Archie."' You know you're a loser when you're a big guy doing Jean Stapleton impressions. ”
Warren walks into a liquor store, hair slicked back, wearing a suit and yelling at an imaginary person on what is, knowing Warren, probably an imaginary cell phone. He stops his conversation long enough to tell the flunky behind the counter that he wants a keg of beer. The flunky asks to see Warren's ID. Warren gets even louder on the cell phone, totally ignoring the guy's request for ID. Warren sees that the guy isn't budging, so he tells him again to get the keg. The guys asks Warren for ID again, just as Warren lays into a tirade against his imaginary friend on the phone. Warren lays a $50 bill on the counter and tells the guy to put the keg in his car. The guy just stares at him.
Back in the alley, Ed is flattered that Bonnie wants to massage his nuts on a more regular basis, but tells Bonnie that things have changed since she broke his heart and hauled ass out of Stuckeyville so fast you'd think an outbreak of anthrax had been discovered. Ed and Carol are in a different place now. Bonnie understands; she's disappointed, but she'll get over it. She asks for one last passionate kiss goodbye, and leans toward Ed. Ed stiffens and says, "Ahhh...I don't think so." Bonnie smiles and says, "Just kidding, Ed." Ed doesn't even smile and says, "Ah. Good one." Ed's about as comfortable as a rusty nail in your shoe.
Commercials. Don't Say A Word. Does Michael Douglas purposefully pick out scripts that are exactly the same every other movie he's ever done? Has there ever been a movie where he isn't in some sort of peril? Where his brow doesn't furrow? I guess if you find something that works for you, you ride it until it dies. Sorta like me and unfunny jokes about genitalia.
At the Fozzkat's party, the doorbell rings. Fozz answers it; it's Warren. Fozzkat says, "Warren Cheswick? You've got to be kidding me." Warren ignores the comment that would have sent anybody in his right mind scurrying off under a rock somewhere, and tells the Fozz that he has great news. Big Mark jumps out with a keg of beer and says, "As Edith Bunker would say, 'Here's your beer, Archie.'" You know you're a loser when you're a big guy doing Jean Stapleton impressions. Fozzkat decides that beer brought by losers is better than no beer at all, so they're allowed in. Donna and David slip in under the radar behind Big Mark (which isn't all that tough to do -- the guy's bigger than most tanks now), as Warren greets David with an ominous "Let's get our drink on!"