Greetings Ed-Head! Originally, I wanted to open up this recap with what I did on my summer vacation, but it's just too damned depressing. I was a pallbearer at a friend's funeral, I quit my cushy job and started a lucrative career in the world of coffee table books, I went to the doctor more times than most people go in their entire lives, and had one doctor tell me that if I don't lose weight I'm going to die. Oh...and it burns when I pee. So. How was your summer? Yeah, yeah, yeah...like I care. I've got a show to recap. I didn't come here to listen to you bitch into your monitor like we're lifelong buds or something. Get a therapist, kid. Let's spin this cat by the tail and get started recapping.
We open with a recap of the entire first season done in forty-five seconds, ending with the cliffhanger of Ed and Carol about to get it on for the first time when the evil Bonnie Hane shows up at the front door. Y'know, I spent an average of four hours on each of twenty-two episodes last season, meaning I wasted eighty-eight hours of my life on Ed last season, and NBC manages to sum up the entire shebang in forty-five seconds. Yes...I feel like my existance is justified. For those of you who had the foresight to say, "I think I'll just wait and see if Ed gets renewed for a second season before I get involved with the show," here's your Mighty Big Synopsis. In a nutshell, Ed's a lawyer who also owns a bowling alley. He moves back to Stuckeyville because he's still harboring a crush on a girl from high school, Carol Vessey, who is now a teacher at the high school they both attended. Halfway through the season, Ed became mesmerized by a district attorney -- the evil Bonnie Hane -- who is as beautiful as she is deceptive. There are lots of wacky characters who fill out the rest of the show's cast, which has drawn comparisons to the ensemble casts of Northern Exposure, a slightly more humorous ER (if it took place in a bowling alley) and a ribald variation of Meet The Press (if Tim Russert were a lawyer).
After the recap, it's time for the thrilling beginning of the second season of the show that "America Loves...And For Those Of You Who Don't Love It, We Here At NBC Will Be Shoving It Down Your Stinking Throats, Dammit." Ed is standing in the doorway of his house, staring at the evil yet unbelievably sexy Bonnie Hane. They stare at each other for just short of an eternity before Ed breaks the ice with the always chipper "What are you doing here?" Bonnie assures Ed that if he would invite her in, she will tell him. Which is the same line Jason Patric fed to Corey Haim in The Lost Boys, and Corey damn near got his neck chomped on as a result. And let's face it...Bonnie Hane is infinitely more dangerous than your average vampire. I just hope for the show's sake that Ed has a closet full of turtlenecks nearby.
Bonnie struts into the house like she owns it and sees Carol standing there in her prom dress. Suddenly, the booty call gets disconnected. Ed, in his own imitable way, offers to introduce the two ladies. However, they already met last season in a scene more icy than your average Brian Boitano special. Bonnie asks whether she's interrupting something, and Carol says she was just leaving. Ed will have none of that, because he's been lusting for a little Carol nookie all summer, and he's not going to let it just slide between his fingers because of a little visit from the spawn of Satan. So Ed speaks up and tells Bonnie that she just interrupted a scintillating conversation about...ummm...raisins. Bonnie looks confused; Ed explains that raisins are nature's candy. Ahhh...that explains everything. Ed tells them Carol and Bonnie both to take a seat, and asks Bonnie what in the hell she is doing back in Stuckeyville. Bonnie explains that she had to come back to town to tie up some loose ends. Ed asks her how everything's going in Washington; she says everything's peachy keen. She's found a little place in Georgetown that has no windows and plenty of room for her coffin. Ed perks up at the word "Georgetown," and reminds the ladies that Georgetown is the home of the Hoyas. He then says "Hoyas" about 327 times in a ten-second period. He stops and the sounds of crickets fill the dead air. Ed racks his brain for another ice breaker and a light bulb goes off over his head. "How about some Boggle?" he says cheerfully, pulling out the Milton Bradley game out from under the coffee table. The ladies sit there silently. Ed realizes that Boggle's not the answer. The crickets continue chirping.
Opening credits. The producers have decided to eighty-six the Foo Fighters theme song and replace it with a similar tune. It's kind of like replacing the Beatles with the Partridge Family. The singer sounds like he's one teaspoon shy of a heroin overdose as he sings. I claw at my ears, thinking that a host of water beetles have somehow worked their way into my ear canals, but it's just a Pavlov's Dog reaction to this gawdawful new theme song.
Oh wow. Chex has come out with a new "Morning Mix" snack for those of us who are constantly on the run and allergic to fruit or anything that slightly resembles healthy foods. Somewhere, a fatter guy than me is crying tears of joy over this new revelation.
Back to the show. Mike and Ed are stretching before a morning run. Ed's telling Mike the unbelievable story of Bonnie showing up on his doorstep right before he was about to get his mack on with Carol. Mike wants to know if Ed was smart and talked the women into a ménage à trois? Every single red-blooded American male is on the edge of his seat as Ed announces that he totally wussed out, and the ladies left. Ed reminds Mike that he was thisclose to kissing Carol, and Bonnie had to spoil the moment. Mike is about as interested as a baby in a Theology seminar and tells Ed just to ask Carol out. Once again, Mike takes on the recurring role of Captain Obvious and saves the day. Ed weighs the advantages of actually being honest for a change, and decides that maybe he should just throw caution to the wind and ask Carol out on an official date. Mike then bets Ed $10 that Ed won't go over to his neighbor's yard and kiss a lawn ornament shaped like a garden gnome. The neighbor, Mr. Gordon, is shirtless and watering his lawn. Ed begins to hesitate, swallows his pride, and marches over to Mr. Gordon's lawn. He exchanges friendly greetings and then leans over and kisses the gnome. He then marches back to Mike, who's giggling like a retard. Definitely one of the worst ten-dollar bets in the series so far. If ten-dollar bets were Olympic events, that one woulda been that skinny guy in the pool who finished his laps, like, fifteen minutes behind everyone else.
Carol and Molly are walking through the hallways of the school. Carol is stressing out over the whole "I almost had Ed poking me in the boo boo hole" episode while Molly is playing Mike to Carol's neurotic Ed. As they're about to round a corner, a handsome older man walks confronts them. Maybe he's not handsome; I'm not sure. I'm a heterosexual male. I may think I know what handsome is, but maybe my idea of handsome is James Woods with slicked back hair and buckteeth while yours is Tom Cruise. Really...who's to say? Anyway, the ladies ask the gentleman if they can help him. He asks for the principal's office, and the two figure out that he's the new principal of the school, which requires an incredible disbelief in time and space. If yesterday was the prom, that must mean the end of the school year is near. How many schools hire a new principal with only a few weeks left in the year? Well, I'll give you a hint, Princess Dumbina...NONE. The ladies point him in the direction of the principal's office, and let him know that if he needs help learning the ropes, they're there for him. He tells them he thinks he has it under control, and leaves. The ladies then argue over whether he was a "jerk" or a "tool," with "jerk" seemingly winning the battle. And let's keep in mind, if he's a "jerk," then Carol's libido just shot up about ten degrees.
In the school hallway, Warren is talking to a brightly colored bus. Oh, wait a second. That's no brightly colored bus -- that's his friend Mark. Hard to believe, but Mark's even fatter this year than last year. This kid is a heart attack just waiting to happen. Warren tells him they're going to Fozzkat's party; Fozzkat is apparently the coolest guy in school. Mark doesn't believe it, because nobody in their right mind would invite Mark to a party. For one, he'd eat everything in sight. And two, every time he'd take a step, he's be punching holes in the floor unless it's reinforced steel, which most homes don't have. Donna and David walk up, smearing the fact that the only girl Warren's ever kissed is now dating the wimpiest guy in the school system. Warren asks whether they plan on going to the Fozzkat's party, and they say no, they're going to the re-release of The French Lieutenant's Woman. David brings new meaning to the term "Wussy-Faced Pansy Pants." This guy's about as macho as Lance Bass. Warren invites them to the Fozzkat's party, and they gleefully accept. "Now what?" Big Mark asks. "Calm down, my Bunyan-esque buddy," Warren reassures him. "We're going to bring beer." Mark points out the fact that Warren is not twenty-one. Warren apparently has a fiendish plan to secure the alcoholic beverages.
Mike's fixing breakfast for Nancy. Nancy's blonde now, and is much hotter this season than last. If I were Mike, I'd keep my eye on her when Ed brings his horndog self over. Nancy's going to clean house today, now that she's no longer a productive cog in the business wheel. She grabs a book -- A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius -- that's been propped up the couch. She tells Mike that she's had this book forever, and now she plans on reading it. Mike's less than impressed and offers her a Donagle -- a combination of a doughnut and a bagel. I clean the drool off my chin as I stare at this creation of Mike's, and the show progresses forward.
At the bowling alley, Shirley and Kenny are shitting bricks because the health inspector is coming to inspect the place. Kenny tells Ed that ever since Phil left, there's been a vacuum of responsibility. For those of you with short memory spans or mild retardation, Phil's in New York now, trying desperately to become the new Allen Funt with his new hit TV show Outragiacs. Ed tells Kenny to take some goddamn initiative and start running the place in Phil's absence. Bonnie Hane struts into the alley. Kenny says, "I remember you -- you're that lady." Bonnie says, "Right!" She corners Ed in his office and tells him that she lied: she's not in town to tie up loose ends; she came back for Ed. The sound we all hear is blood stirring in Ed's groin.
Warren walks into a liquor store, hair slicked back, wearing a suit and yelling at an imaginary person on what is, knowing Warren, probably an imaginary cell phone. He stops his conversation long enough to tell the flunky behind the counter that he wants a keg of beer. The flunky asks to see Warren's ID. Warren gets even louder on the cell phone, totally ignoring the guy's request for ID. Warren sees that the guy isn't budging, so he tells him again to get the keg. The guys asks Warren for ID again, just as Warren lays into a tirade against his imaginary friend on the phone. Warren lays a $50 bill on the counter and tells the guy to put the keg in his car. The guy just stares at him.
Back in the alley, Ed is flattered that Bonnie wants to massage his nuts on a more regular basis, but tells Bonnie that things have changed since she broke his heart and hauled ass out of Stuckeyville so fast you'd think an outbreak of anthrax had been discovered. Ed and Carol are in a different place now. Bonnie understands; she's disappointed, but she'll get over it. She asks for one last passionate kiss goodbye, and leans toward Ed. Ed stiffens and says, "Ahhh...I don't think so." Bonnie smiles and says, "Just kidding, Ed." Ed doesn't even smile and says, "Ah. Good one." Ed's about as comfortable as a rusty nail in your shoe.
Commercials. Don't Say A Word. Does Michael Douglas purposefully pick out scripts that are exactly the same every other movie he's ever done? Has there ever been a movie where he isn't in some sort of peril? Where his brow doesn't furrow? I guess if you find something that works for you, you ride it until it dies. Sorta like me and unfunny jokes about genitalia.
At the Fozzkat's party, the doorbell rings. Fozz answers it; it's Warren. Fozzkat says, "Warren Cheswick? You've got to be kidding me." Warren ignores the comment that would have sent anybody in his right mind scurrying off under a rock somewhere, and tells the Fozz that he has great news. Big Mark jumps out with a keg of beer and says, "As Edith Bunker would say, 'Here's your beer, Archie.'" You know you're a loser when you're a big guy doing Jean Stapleton impressions. Fozzkat decides that beer brought by losers is better than no beer at all, so they're allowed in. Donna and David slip in under the radar behind Big Mark (which isn't all that tough to do -- the guy's bigger than most tanks now), as Warren greets David with an ominous "Let's get our drink on!"
It's couch fixing time at Nancy's. She calls a repair shop, telling them that she needs repair work done on her couch; it's the "Avenger" model. One of the legs has broken off it. As she describes the problem, she comes to the realization that she's been put on hold and is now listening to the Muzak version of "Killing Me Softly." Nancy starts singing along with the song. Folks, I've heard cats crying out in pain as unruly teenagers pelted them with heavy stones. That sounded better than Nancy's singing. As hot as Nancy may be now, she's still as about as appealing to me as a spoiled can of sauerkraut in every other way. Meanwhile, Baby Sara looks on. Baby Sara's grown a lot in the last year which, from what I've read, is typical of most babies.
At the alley, Ed's making reservations for himself and Carol at the local Smokehouse BBQ joint, as Warren and Mark reminisce about their wild evening at the Fozzkat's pad. They chuckle over the sight of David chugging two beers and staggering around like Foster Brooks. Mark mentions that they're two trailblazing sons of bitches. A man walks up behind Warren and asks whether he's Warren Cheswick. Warren starts to say he is; he turns around, sees a cop, and finishes his sentence, "not Warren Cheswick." Apparently, after the party, David drove home drunk on his bicycle, wiped out, and broke his arm. Warren is now wanted for criminal negligence against a wussy-faced pansy pants. Warren pleads with Ed to help him. And even though Warren attacked Ed near the end of last season, calling him a "bitch" among other things, Ed says he'll be right there with him. And that, my friends, is why America loves the hell out of Ed. Call him a bitch all you want, the guy will stay by your side like a metal crutch.
At the police department, Warren and Ed are talking. Warren wants to know what is the worst thing that can happen. Ed says he'll probably have to go to juvenile detention. Warren freaks as visions of cellmates named Ice and Big Daddy making him their bitch fill his head. Ed mentions that this will probably go on Warren's permanent record, which really freaks Warren out. Warren asks what college would want an ex-con freshman? He tells Ed that he's scared, and Ed says he's there to help him...for $120 an hour.
Ahhhh...it's time for the weekly chance meeting on the street between Ed and Carol. Carol can't stop talking about Warren's frequent appearances on Stuckeyville crime reports, while Ed tries to hush her long enough to ask her out. When he finally blurts out an invitation to dinner the following evening, Carol says she can't go out with him; she has a tutoring session. Ed says he'll wait until it's over and Carol says it should last until 1 or 2 AM. Ed apologizes for the other night, when Bonnie kept them from grubbing all over each other's naked bodies; Carol says it's for the best, anyway. When Bonnie showed up, that proved it was fate. It's not Ed's and Carol's fault they're never going to get together. Love's not supposed to be this complicated. The stars aligned. Go get Bonnie. Go on. Git. Git outta here, you steenking dog, before I shoot you. Ed's depressed. Methinks he wants him some hot Carol coochie.
Back at the alley, Kenny's showing off the good job he did cleaning the grill. Shirley comments that it's so clean you could eat off it. A man walks in with a pony. No, that's not a set-up for a joke, either. He says he needs $700 for the pony, which was ordered by one Phil Stubbs. Kenny says that Phil doesn't work there anymore, and that they have no use for a pony. The man says he just drove three hours to deliver a pony, and he wants his seven hundred bucks. Kenny agrees to go get the money, and tells Shirley to hold the pony's rope. Shirley's eyes get as big as Buckwheat's from the Little Rascals. Ed walks up and asks Shirley why there's a horse at the snack bar. Shirley tells him it's a pony. Ed says, "Ahhh..." like that was the only explanation he needed to hear. He walks into his office; Bonnie's sitting there, looking like sex personified. Bonnie says she's not going to D.C. for a few days, and would like to take Ed to dinner. Say...tomorrow night? Since Ed's plans with Carol were shot down like a Taliban aircraft, it takes Ed a few seconds to think about it before he says, "Sure." Bonnie says she'll see him at the Smiling Goat at 8:30, and leaves. Ed asks himself, "What are you doing?"
Oh, look. It's that Mitsubishi commercial where all the super-ultra-cool hip smack addicts are singing Barenaked Ladies' "One Week" and having a great time! Gosh...I haven't seen this commercial in almost forty-five minutes! This must be some sort of new record or something.
In class, Carol's prepping the kids on The Great Gatsby when she notices that Warren's wearing a homemade billboard on his head that reads "I'm A Dope." She tells Warren to take it off; he says he can't because the new principal is making him wear it. If he doesn't wear it all day, he's expelled. This infuriates Carol, who marches to the principal's office. Carol says that he can't just humiliate the students like this. The principal reminds her that she works for him. Carol tells him that he's a coward for not explaining himself. The principal decides to channel Miss Cleo and do a little analysis on Carol. He decides that she was born and bred in Stuckeyville. She has a half-written novel in her nightstand that she never finished and a journal with all her deepest thoughts recorded in it, like how she wants to rub pee-pees with Ed Stevens. As Carol gets more and more frustrated listening to every detail of her pitiful life being announced for human consumption, the principal predicts she'll make a huffy turn and a defiant exit. She stands there stunned and finally walks out of the room as unhuffily and undefiantly as possible.
The couch-repair guy shows up at Nancy's. He whips out some glue, sticks it on the end of the couch leg, and charges her $90 as she's still babbling about the couch. She asks whether that will correct things, and he assures her, "Everything will be fine, honey." She notes "honey" is an interesting salutation. He notes she's being excessively obnoxious but unbelievably hot. Man. Maybe it goes against some kinda furniture repairman's code of honor...but I would so nail Nancy and wipe the financial slate clean.
In court, the prosecuter is talking about Warren, saying that "this man" illegally purchased the beer and "this man" brought the beer to the party. Had he not been so generous, David wouldn't have a compound fracture, and a contusion around his eye. Warren is severely freaking out, and tells Ed that even though she keeps calling him "a man," he's really only a boy. Ed gets up to defend Warren by calling him a boy, which prompts Warren to turn around, grin at his parents and say, "That's mine!" Ed reminds the court that David chose to drink and drive his bike home. There was no arm-twisting, no "Get on the goddamned bike and RIDE, you drunken sissy!" badgering.
David gets up on the stand. His eye is so black and blue, he looks like one of Mike Tyson's girlfriends. He admits that he got drunk, but he says Warren made him do it. He couldn't say no to the alcohol, or he'd become the laughingstock of the party, which is kind of ironic because I feel pretty sure he was already the laughingstock of the party, but was too disillusioned to see it. Ed asks who was throwing the party, and David says it was the Fozzkat. Ed picks Fozzkat out in the courtroom and walks over to him, saying, "The Fonzkat is cool! The Fonzkat is awesome!" Fozzkat corrects Ed on his nickname, as Ed was apparently having Happy Days flashbacks. Ed asks David whether Fozzkat is in fact "cool," and David says that he is, indeed, cool. Ed asks David whether he expected beer to be at the party; David says that he did. Ed asks whether he then got on his bicycle, started home, and crashed. David says he did. Ed summarizes that David went to the party, drank the beer, got drunk, and drove home. Sooo...where exactly does Warren Cheswick factor into this? David thinks for a second, and then says that Warren's the one who bought the beer. "That's right," Ed says. "Warren only bought the beer." Not the greatest defense in the free world, but we're not talking Perry Mason, here.
Mike and Nancy are sitting quietly on their newly fixed couch when the glued leg pops off and the couch drops several inches. Mike says, "Nancy..." Nancy tells him to say nothing. He says, "Yes dear," and continues watching TV. Nancy has been hoodwinked. Plain and simple. And nothing -- I mean nothing -- can escape the wrath of a hoodwinked housewife.
At the Smiling Goat, Ed and Bonnie are having dinner. Bonnie asks Ed if he's nervous. He says no...he's just twirling spaghetti. He finally cracks and tells Bonnie that the only reason he's there is because Carol turned him down for a date. He says that when two people are supposed to be together, the stars align, and he wants to the stars to align for him and Carol. Bonnie playfully reminds Ed that they're just having dinner, and that they're through dating. No more Bonnie nookie for Ed. Their relationship is now in the "just old friends" category. This puts Ed at ease, so they toast to old friends. Bonnie then casually informs Ed that she was supposed to be staying with a friend tonight, but that those plans went awry and she needs a place to stay for the night. She asks Ed if she may crash at his place. Ed says, "Mine?" She sighs and tells Ed that she just needs a place to sleep -- that's it. No hanky panky, no hide the salami, no checking out any new and innovative pubic hairstyles. Ed says, "Sure." Bonnie thanks him and pours the rest of the wine into their glasses. Ed looks stunned...like he's about to shit a bobcat.
At Ed's house, Ed insists that Bonnie sleep in his bed, and that he'll sleep on the couch. Bonnie insists that she will sleep on the couch; she starts unbuttoning her shirt in front of him, revealing something that Frederick's of Hollywood would reject on the grounds that it's "too risqué." Ed informs Bonnie of all the tasks he's done around the home for her, including putting the toilet seat down because he knows how women like that; he saw it once on an HBO Young Comedians special. Bonnie gives him a goodnight kiss on the cheek, and Ed looks like he just soiled his jockeys.
, we see Ed tossing and turning in his bed, trying to get to sleep. There's a knock on the door, and there's the evil Bonnie Hane. My God. She's wearing this black camisole thing that ummmm...that ummmm...my God. She looks like pure evil in satin. Bonnie informs Ed that there's a big spring sticking out of the couch, and she wants to crash in Ed's bed. Ed starts to panic, because when a male and a female share a bed, that makes his pee-pee hard and then bad things happen and he has to get up early the morning for an emergency laundry run. Bonnie assures Ed that they're both mature adults and should be able to handle something as innocent as sleeping together even when one of them is in sexy lingerie. Ed builds a pillow barricade between their bodies, hoping upon hope that it's stronger than the Berlin Wall. Bonnie flips over, puts her hand on Ed's chest, and snuggles up against him. "What if Carol was right about fate?" she asks Ed, meaning that it just might be fate that they're in bed together once again. Ed is turning white as a sheet. He jumps up like she just vomited all over the sheets, and says he's going to go sleep on the couch. As he leaves, he locks the bedroom door to make sure he doesn't come back for a spunkfest, and says goodnight.
In court, the prosecutor is asking Warren why he bought beer for a party. Warren admits that it was a stupid mistake and swears he didn't know that David would get drunk and fall off his bicycle. Uh huh. Sure, Warren. Maybe time you should call Miss Cleo and have her check her cards for such a premonition. The prosecutor asks Warren how much he normally drinks; Warren swears he's not a drinker. The prosecutor smells defeat and wants to present a little evidence in the case -- a home video made at the party. Warren's spine conveniently decides to slide out of his ass, as he seems to know what the tape will show. It's a group of teens sitting around a table playing quarters. Warren is loud, obnoxious, and the ultimate life of the party. He's screaming, "Cheers to me!" laughing, spitting out his beer, and smashing a plastic cup on his head. He turns to the camera and says, "Would anybody like to buy a goose?" The tape is shut off; Warren's defense is that beer consumption promotes good cardiovascular health.
Nancy and Mike are meeting at the Smiling Goat for a little lunch and a lotta whiskey when Nancy spots the Furniture Guy who gypped her out of $90 and didn't fix her couch. She asks him whether he remembers her; he doesn't. She then proceeds to go off on him, her voice getting louder with every sentence, that he thinks she has a tiny little housewife brain. She tells the entire clientele of the restaurant that this man works for Happy Viking Furniture, and that he's a bad man. A very bad man. The guy's left with about as much dignity as Robert Downey Jr.
Back in court, the prosecutor is wrapping up her final comments. Basically, if Warren hadn't brought the beer, David would be okay. If this had happened in a bar, and the bartender served an underage person, the bartender would be in all kinds of trouble. So, basically: no beer...no cast for David. Ed gets up for his final comments and has to bring up "fate," because fate is the recurring theme in this week's episode. Ed insists that there was nothing that could have been done to stop this...unless David had decided not to drink. Because David is the one responsible for his broken arm. Not Warren. Ed decides to quote a little Shakespeare here in case there's some sensitive lady in the courtroom who might be wooed by a bowling-alley lawyer who can quote Shakespeare. Say...a certain local English teacher by the name of Carol Vessey who just happens to be sitting in the fourth row, listening intently. "The fault is not in the stars...but in ourselves," he says. Which leaves me perplexed, because who the hell was talking about the stars here? I didn't hear nothin' 'bout no stars. Ed sits back down; Warren says he thought it was a helluva speech. "Especially that part where you pulled that Shakespeare out of your ass," Warren gushes.
In the bowling alley, Kenny and Shirley are doing last minute touch-ups for the health inspector. Shirley assures Kenny that the pony is in the back, and the inspector will never see it. Paul the inspector shows up. Kenny introduces himself, and Paul asks where Phil might be. Kenny says that Phil moved on. Paul says, "Too bad," and starts finding all kinds of things wrong with the place. He tells Kenny they'll have to replace the grill in the snack bar because it looks like it has asbestos. Shirley says that a new grill will cost $12,000 and tells Kenny to offer the guy a bribe: $10 should do the trick. Kenny places a $10 bill on the counter. All of a sudden, Phil bursts in...with the pony. I throw down my pen and pad and cheer loudly, since me loves some Phil! He greets Paul -- who seems glad to see Phil -- and asks him how the farm is doing. It's doing great, Paul says. How about his twin girls? They're lovely as well. Phil asks whether the twins might have a birthday coming up; he gestures toward the pony and says, "Paul, have you met Sugarcane?" Aaaaahhh. I GET IT now! Y'see...you have to bribe the health inspector with more than ten bucks to get a good health rating in Stuckeyville! Apparently, a pony does the trick. It may have cost Phil $700...but it's a whole lot less than $12,000 to buy a new grill! It's simple mathematics combined with a seedy health inspection underworld!
Back in court, the judge says that, yes, Warren made a mistake by buying beer...but David got drunk on his own free will. Therefore, Warren is not guilty. Warren finds this "awesome!" and hugs Ed. Warren's parents come forward, and it turns out that Warren's dad is played by Curtis Armstrong -- "Booger" from Revenge of the Nerds -- which is a nice bit of typecasting, since Nerd begats Nerd here. "You know, you're grounded for thirty years," Dad tells Warren. I think this is what Hollywood considers "stuntcasting." That's where there's a slight inside joke to the casting, but the guy being stuntcast only gets one freakin' line to throw out there, so he's not exactly a "guest star" or is qualified as a "special guest appearance." But hey...when you're Booger, you take what you can get.
Back at the alley, Paul is leaving with a big smile and a pony. Kenny asks Phil what happened to his TV show Outragiacs. In the inside joke of the year, Phil dismisses the show as tripe, saying it was just a mean-spirited Candid Camera. He then pondered what the networks would think of ...putting people in coffins full of rats? The three share a hearty laugh over that remark. Trust me, I hate explaining inside jokes, but I feel it necessary here for the dimwitted readers who somehow wandered away from the Disney site and ended up here. Michael Ian Black, the guy who plays Phil, hosted Spy TV this past summer, which was a mean-spirited Candid Camera. Fear Factor, the surprise hit of the summer, put people in coffins with rats. (Forgive me. I will try to refrain from ever having to explain another inside joke here again.)
Ed arrives home; Bonnie is packing her bags. Ed wants to know where they stand, because things got a little crazy last night, what with Bonnie walking around in black silk lingerie and showing off her boobies and making Ed's pee-pee go nuts. With a smile, Bonnie tells Ed that things are over between them, and that she's called a taxi. "You're leaving?" Ed asks, because a woman packing her bags is a bit too subtle a hint for him. Bonnie asks Ed whether he remembers her sob story of being stood up at the altar by her former fiancé, and luckily for everyone watching, Ed does. Because I don't think I want to hear the story again and I doubt anyone else does. Well, the fiancé came back and said he was sorry, and last week he proposed to Bonnie. But before Bonnie could say yes, she had to know if Ed was still wrapped around her little finger like one of those thin rubber bands. She tells Ed that as cute as he may be...she's over him. She asks Ed to be happy for her. Ed is disgusted by this blatant display of sheer evilness and says he feels like a lab rat. Bonnie smiles and tells him that she's not the one he wants -- they both know that. Ed realizes that she's right, and Bonnie's curse is lifted.
The musical montage that always signals the last three minutes of the show begins. Bonnie leaves after hugging Ed goodbye. Phil's in the bowling alley, haphazardly throwing shoes around to signify that he's finally home. Ed's sitting on his front porch, unraveling some electrical wire. A crew of furniture repairmen is at Nancy's house, reupholstering her couch as Nancy grins ear-to-ear.
Carol and Ed are strolling through Stuckeyville, talking that wacky gab that they've seemingly copyrighted, when they come across Ed's home. There, several huge stars are in perfect alignment, stretching from his lawn to the roof of his house. It looks like a sequel to National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation after Clark Griswold polished off a case of Nyquil. Ed points out that the stars are, indeed, aligned and that fate is finally on their side. Carol tells Ed that he's a very lovely man; Ed thinks "lovely" is a bit effiminate and would rather be labeled "virile." Carol tells Ed that she can't be with him right now, and that she doesn't believe in fate, that was just an excuse. She tells Ed that she's scared: she's met the most horrible man who summed up her creepy little pathetic existence in thirty-five seconds. And the worst thing was...he was right. She never changes and keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. Ed tells her not to be scared, and that he'd make a good boyfriend. He's kind, considerate, punctual, and has good hygiene. Carol says she's not afraid of Ed being her boyfriend -- she's scared of him being her ex-boyfriend. They kinda hug, but not in a "just kidding, let's go have sex!" way. Ed mumbles that these stars cost him $3.99 a pop. Carol laughs. And the camera pans away as all the stars in the yard fill up the screen. I'll bet Ed's neighbors just love him.
Color me disappointed, but I was hoping for more than this after waiting all summer. It's pretty sad when I -- Uncle Bob, the world's biggest loser -- am getting more tail than Ed, a handsome, charming bowling alley lawyer. Writers, I beg of thee...let this man get some hot sweaty monkey lovin' soon.