It's the season finale of Ed. This means Uncle Bob will be hanging up his recapping boots for at least a few months...possibly...forever (forever...forever...forever...you know...the echo effect). My coming back all hinges on whether I'm asked to come back. If you want me back. If you need me back. ["And how good you are at back rubs. Get on it. Lower. No, lower. LOWER." -- Wing Chun]
Awww hell...I dunno what it hinges on. I just live day to day, man. Anything other than that and I'm lost, dude.
So anyway...the season finale...with an ending so shocking that we will be talking about it all summer long. My guess is either that Ed dry-humps Carol on his living-room floor, or we get a close-up of Molly's insanely hairy rectum as a parting kiss. Either way, I'm already talking about it and summer's not even officially here yet.
We open on the streets of Stuckeyville. Ed and Mike are walking down the street, and Ed is babbling incessantly about his "near-kiss" with Carol at the pond a few nights earlier. Mike offers Ed ten bucks to shut his mouth. Ed keeps droning on and on that the kiss would have taken place had it not been for Warren showing up to beat the shit outta Ed after Ed steered Warren off the cliff of love by telling him to ask his dream date to the prom last week. Mike ups the ante to $10,000 if Ed will just shut up. Ed's convinced that the "near kiss" is large...very large. Meanwhile, Molly and Carol are walking down another street in Stuckeyville. Carol is telling Molly that she's been thinking about asking Ed to the prom, since she's a chaperone this year and was really trying to scrounge up some prom nookie for afterwards. Actually, she says she just wants to hang out with Ed all night...but all the Edheads of the world know that she wants a piece of that Ed honker. Back to Ed and Mike; Mike is now feigning interest in Ed's babbling. Ed says that even though he hasn't seen Carol since the "near kiss," there's something in the air of Stuckeyville. It's like...the second coming or something. Ed says it's like Venuzuelean flamingos doing a mating dance: something's going to happen. Mike resumes losing interest in Ed's story.
Thank God. And it only took twenty-two episodes for something to happen. My God. Timothy McVeigh's been laid more times since September than Ed has.
Opening credits and commercials. Jamie Foxx is now a big star and driving a Coors Light truck. My only question is...who the hell is Jamie Foxx? Sorry...I don't watch UPN.
In the bowling alley, Ed's still chattering mindlessly about the "near kiss." Keee-rist...I've seen Tourette's patients with more control over what they say than Ed has. This time, both Nancy and Mike are the audience for Ed's babbling patter. Ed says that he's been sensing this "near kiss" for some time now, but that he and Carol have also always had a nice rhythm as friends. Mike points out that one of the drawbacks of being "just friends" is no sex. That also happens to be the one drawback to having a ten-month-old child around the house, to which Nancy replies, "I heard that." Mike says that she was supposed to hear that, since that's his subtle idea of foreplay these days; it sure beats the foreplay I've been getting from the mother of my six-month-old. My wife likes to play ring toss with my boy's teething ring on my...well, you get the idea. And it may sound fun to you kids out there, but any of you guys wanna strip down and have a woman throw a rubber ring at your winkie, hey, be my guest, Pedro.
There's a commotion on the other side of the alley, which Ed decides to investigate since Batman's got the flu. Sure enough, Phil's getting loud and obnoxious once again. As it turns out, there comes a time when every man gets called to do what he's meant to do. For Ed, it was this whole cockamamie bowling alley lawyer scam. Phil is going to take his life and dip it in gold. For he -- Phillip Washington Stubbs -- is going to be...a television celebrity. VH1 is looking for people who are willing to videotape themselves going around and doing outrageous stunts for a new show they're doing called Outragiacs! Nancy says that she woulda liked to have been sitting in at that meeting...more than likely just to shit all over that title. That's my guess, anyway. Phil explains that the show will be in the same vein as MTV's Jackass, which is great because, as Phil puts it, "Who's a bigger jackass than me? I'm a huge jackass!" A quiet moment passes as Phil waits for someone to vouch that he's a big jackass. Finally Kenny says, "Your middle name is Washington?" Phil almost loses his delerious look, but maintains the wild-eyed stare for all those in attendance.
Ed's in his office with Shirley -- doing some managerial thing and not shoving his tongue down her throat -- when a guy walks in and hugs Ed. Ed's glad to see the guy, and for a moment we are led to believe that this is Ed's gay lover from college, Ramon, who worked his way through college as a gardener by day and a male escort at night. Maybe I was the only one who picked up on that. Alas, it's only an old lawyer buddy, Ron Frankel, from Ed's former firm, Farmer and Sheehan -- you know, the guys who fired Eddie for missing a comma in that humongous document that we used to hear about at the beginning of every episode of Ed way back in the early days. Ahhhh....the early days. I'm sure going to miss it around the MBTV studios. Sigh. ["Well, if you really liked it that much, you'd be a little quicker with my mint julep, there, Tex." -- Wing Chun] Anyhoo, Ron's in town to talk to Eric Winkstead, some old guy that blah blah blah lotsa lawyer talk and I'm still scribbling notes from the last scene so I don't pick up on everything that's said about Eric Winkstead and now that the episode's over I realize that it wasn't all that important to begin with so I won't go into it. Ed asks Ron how he's doing, and Ron says things are great at Farmer and Sheehan now that Ed's gone. Ron now has a corner office, he's junior partner, and all the other junior partners have left the firm. He even has two assistants, and I'm willing to bet both of them have more experience and personality than Shirley will ever, ever have. Who would have believed that nine months ago, he and Ed were sharing a shithole of an office. I'm sorry...he said "shoebox," not "shithole." Sometimes my hearing isn't what it used to be.
Meanwhile, at Gary's Tuxedo Shop, Warren's kinda jazzed about going to the prom with Big-Assed Mark and Gavin and no dates. This makes them like the Rat Pack. Big-Assed Mark says that he always gets mistaken for Dean Martin, while Gavin fancies himself a young and sober Peter Lawford. Warren makes the snide comment that Gavin's more like Joey Bishop, which is quite a slur if you know a thing or two about the Rat Pack. A man named Stan welcomes the boys to Gary's Tuxedos and Big-Assed Mark asks where Gary is. Stan sighs that there is no Gary. Warren explains that they're looking for tuxes for the prom. Warren wants a tux like the one Russell Crowe wore to the Oscars. You remember the Tux -- the one that made Crowe look like a four-year-old dressed him? Stan says that that was not a standard tux; Warren understands that, but insists that's what he wants. Warren wants to wear a thin tie to the prom and say, "Look at me! A thin tie! I'm a non-conformist! I'm not like the rest of you!!" Big-Assed Mark asks if he could be put in some spats. Yeah, Mark...with a shoehorn! BWA HA HA HA HA HA! Thank God there's a male character fatter than Molly on the show now; fat male MBTV fans aren't nearly as touchy about their weight problems as the female portion of the population. Trrrrrust me.
Back at the alley, a little old black lady is sealing all the Tupperware on about a dozen dishes laid out on the snack bar. Apparently, Mrs. Reilly's landlord has cut off her power, and Ed has granted her permission to use the bowling alley's refrigerators to store her food. The lady's bitching that she has no lights, no power, no nothin', and that Ed promised her that he'd never let this happen to her. Ed swears that he'll talk to her landlord. Ron is standing there, watching the whole thing happen. In Ron's mind, this is a far cry from Ed's days in New York City when he handled multi-million dollar accounts; now he's taking orders from a crotchety old woman who refuses to pay her rent and expects the power to stay on. Hey Granny...get a clue. You don't pay...you don't play. If you're having trouble making ends meet, the Plasma Center's open from 7 to 7 every day except Sundays. Tell 'em Uncle Bob sent ya and to take it easy on the cookies and juice.
Back at Gary's, Gavin is enlightening his two chums that the word "prom" is short for "promenade." Big-Assed Mark points out that the word "homo" comes from "homosexual," which sends Mark and Warren into a fit of titters. A tittering fit, if you will. ["I join them in tittering, because I'm four." -- Wing Chun] Suddenly, and without warning, Donna walks in -- Donna, the prom date that shoulda been. Warren's down with the clown, so he decides to go make coversation with Donna. Warren asks Donna "what's zeroing down?" which is the newest slang term he's made up and is trying to make popular. My God. Warren is so much like I used to be when I was in high school. I also used to make up slang terms when I was growing up and hope that they'd achieve some level of notoriety with my peers. I'm the originator of "Hey...aren't you Meat Loaf?" as well as the ever-popular "How's my scrotum taste, you cow?" Neither caught on quite as I had hoped, but I'm sure they did better than "What's zeroing down?" So anyway, Warren has to explain to Donna in painful detail exactly what his new slang term means, and as he's telling her that he's still working out the kinks in the whole slang-inventing vernacular, Donna decides to introduce Warren to her prom date, David. Warren glumly shakes David's hand. David looks a tad light in the loafers, if you know what I mean and I think you might. In other words, he's had his share of teenage testicles banging him in the chin. Got it? Great. Let's move on. Donna asks Warren who he's asked to the prom, and Warren says he hasn't decided yet because he's a desperado. He says the word "desperado" a few times before quietly singing the word when Big-Assed Mark yells, "Yo Desperado, they're running out of cummerbunds over here," thus rescuing Warren from the painful clutches of awkward small talk.
Speaking of awkward small talk, Ed and Carol do their weekly "bump into each other on the street" routine for the final time this season. Carol is walking out of the local coffee shop and Ed mentions he likes coffee. Carol does, too. Ed likes caffeine. Carol does, too; it gives her a boost. It gives Ed a boost, too. It also gives Carol energy, to which Ed replies, "Energy." But sometimes -- and here's the kicker, kids -- sometimes when she's drunk too much coffee, it's hard for her to fall asleep. Ed agrees that can sometimes be the case with him, too. Just as I'm checking my watch and sighing heavily, Carol bites her lip, which leads to a slew of sexual fantasies played out in Ed's head. Carol finally decides to put an end to this painful conversation by excusing herself to go back to school. Ed says, "Goodnight! Er...Good day!" and then chastises himself for being such an idiot.
Commercials. You know, all of America loves Shrek. I remember the days when all of America loved Ed. Do you remember those days? Why it seems like it was just twenty-one episodes ago. [Uncle Bob's face gets all wavy as if he's being transported back in time.] Wait a second, here -- I can't be transported back in time. I have a friggin' recap to do. Geez, people. Quit trying to force me into going back in time. I've got my eye on you peeps.
Phil is on the street being videotaped by Shirley; she's hiding behind Kenny, with the camera poking out from between Kenny's body and arm. Phil is explaining to the camera that he's Bobby Thunderbolts, and that this is his first outrageous prank: he's going to pretend to be drunk. He spies an older couple sitting on a bench, and walks up doing a drunk routine that's about as convincing as my mother swearing up and down that I was a premature baby and that's why I was born five months after my parents got married. "Oh man," Phil says, staggering. "I am so drunk. I'm Mr. McDrunko. I'm drunky drunky!" The couple just looks at him as he stretches out on his side of the bench. Finally, after about ten seconds of acting, he jumps up and gets in their faces, saying that he wasn't drunk at all, and that his victims have just been outragiacked! Then he laughs like a hyena at his own ignorant prank while the couple just stares at him.
In the local restaurant, Ed's whining once again to Mike and Nancy that he and Carol just took a one-way trip to Awkwardtown by discussing the merits of caffeine. Ed just wishes that they could act like two friends again, rather than have this whole "near kiss" thing hanging over them. Mike suddenly blurts that he has seen Carol naked. This takes everyone by surprise, including Mike's wife, until he explains that he gave her an exam once while Dr. Jerome was busy having a bug surgically removed from his ass. Ed looks like he's just had a really bad haircut since the last time we saw him. Mike asks Nancy whether he may see her naked. Nancy says no. Mike tells her that he wants to see her naked, trying to score some points. Nancy says she knows this, but the answer's still no.
All this is going on while Warren, Gavin, and B.A. Mark are walking down the street. Warren mentions that the tuxedo guy had halitosis. B.A. Mark says that he had an Uncle Scooter who had halitosis. Warren asks, "You have an Uncle Scooter?" B.A. Mark says that he did have an Uncle Scooter; Scootster choked to death on a marzipan in 1989. Gavin -- looking like he's under more pressure than the last turkey in the pen on Thanksgiving -- cracks. "We're living a lie!" he blurts. B.A. Mark tells Gavin to can it. Warren wants to know what's going on. The two losers were waiting for the right time to tell Warren, but they'll just say it now: they both have dates to the prom. Warren goes ballistic. He reminds the guys that they made a pact to go stag. B.A. Mark points out that Warren only joined the pact when he was turned down by both Jessica and Donna for the prom. Warren's livid. As we saw last week when he almost took down Edward J. Stevens, the residents of Stuckeyville should know by now that you don't rile Warren Cheswick. Or there will be hell to pay.
So Warren goes home, sits down with the phone book, and begins going through the yellow pages looking for escorts. He finally decides to call Happy Times Escorts. The voice on the other end says, "Happy Times," and Warren slams the phone down in complete and utter fear. He paces around the room, reasoning with himself. He's a little jittery; he's a guy with needs. He finally sits down, calms down, proclaims himself a "master of confidence," and calls the number again. This time, after the man answers, Warren explains that he's a first-time caller and enjoys "happy times." Like this will get him a discount on a whore or something.
In Ed's office, Ed's on the phone with the old lady's landlord, telling him that if she doesn't have heat by the end of the day, he'll be the sorriest landlord on the face of the earth. Ron enters in time to see Ed reduced to using scare tactics on slum lords to make ends meet. Ed admits that his days of reading 1,800-page documents for major law firms is over. No shit, Ed. They've been over since yer ass was canned nine months ago, El Loser-o. Ron says he's leaving town now, and they walk out to the parking lot together. Ron uses more legal eagle terms than have been in the last twenty-one episodes of the show put together. Something about the Environmental Protection Agency and that this guy Ron was sent here to butter up about the EPA didn't pan out. Geez, I'm really sorry for not going into more detail about it here, but it was so damned boring. If you feel cheated and you really want to know more about the EPA, do a search for it. But for God's sake, please don't make me rewind the tape and transcribe that boring-assed conversation word for word for your junior lawyer wannabe ass. Ed hugs Ron goodbye, and Ron leaves. Ed looks wistful for a moment, like he wishes he could be involved with big-time cases like the EPA and not hounding scumbags to turn little old ladies' electricity back on.
Commercials, and then the final NBC Surprise event. And boy oh boy, have they saved the best for last. Apparently, some ummmm -- well, there's no easy way to put this -- gawdawfully homely chick flew to New York City from Texas to stand outside the Today show studios and talk to Al Roker. She's talking into the camera and telling her boyfriend that she is forever hypnotized by him, blah blah blah. The camera shows that this thing with Al is on video, as she sits live with her boyfriend at a baseball game in Texas and watches this with him on the big screen. Finally, this gal with ovaries of steel proposes to her man right there via videotape in the stadium while her guy looks about as uncomfortable as Regis Philbin at a cocktail party when Kathie Lee happens to walk in. Sooo...her huge-assed homely face is proposing to her man, because she's probably realized that this goofball isn't ever going to pop the question to her since he's only banging her until something better comes along and she wants to snag him quickly since her biological clock has fallen off the mantle at least twice now. The guy is literally squirming in his seat and can't decide what to say. The live event ends before we actually get an answer from the guy. I bet you a year's pay that he said, "Hell no" when the cameras went off. And if he didn't, I guarantee they'll last through maybe six hours of wedded bliss before the effects from the reception's cheap champagne wears off and he gets in the car to go get a pack of smokes and hauls ass to Canada and as far away from this human car wreck as possible.
Back to the show. Carol's hanging up streamers in the school's gymnasium when Ed walks in, and we have to suffer through yet another round of the most awkward small talk made since Bill Clinton reached over that security rope and briefly hugged Monica Lewinsky as he walked through the crowd. Finally, Ed says that their friendship is doomed if they can't be honest with each other, and Carol agrees. Ed says had it not been for Warren the other night, they probably would have kissed. He thinks it's important that they got that out. They have. And now they've dealt with it. Carol says it's a relief that it's now behind them, but c'mon...they barely touched the subject when they shoulda been all over it like Michael Jackson on Webster. Am I the only one here who sees this?! Is everyone blind?!
For a change of pace, Nancy and Molly are walking down the street. Don't any of these people own automobiles? As they talk about nothing in general, Phil jumps in front of them dressed as a cop. He says they're both under arrest for selling crack. Phil calls for backup; Kenny jumps out dressed as a cop and tells the two ladies to get up against the wall. Then Phil starts to crack up, which makes Kenny crack up, and soon they're both slapping their knees in hilarity while Nancy explains to Molly that Phil's trying to be the new Johnny Knoxville. Phil makes sure that Shirley, who's hiding behind a newspaper with a hole cut out for the camera lens, is videoing the two of them cracking up like Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise. Shirley's even laughing now, which could possibly be a first in the show's history. Shirley's not only cracked a smile, but is laughing uproariously. Somebody contact Ripley's at once.
Back in the gymasium, Ed's quietly helping Carol hang up streamers by cutting lengths of streamer with scissors and handing them to her. Finally, after about thirty seconds of blissful peace, Ed asks when are they going to be able to stop being ridiculous and start being normal? Carol asks how can they do that now. Ed says they should both act like it never happened -- the "near kiss," that is. Carol agrees to do that. Then she asks Ed to go to the prom with her. Ed's taken aback. Carol just wants him to come and hang out with her for the evening. Ed says he'll be there. She says, "Good." He says, "Good." She says, "Great." He says, "Great." She says, "Okay." He says, "Okay." Thank God they've gotten past this whole "near kiss" thing and the awkward small talk is finally a thing of the past. Boys and girls: that last sentence was what we college professors like to refer to as "sarcasm." Please note that Uncle Bob is a master of sarcasm and warns that you shouldn't try it at home without parental supervision.
Warren is walking into a diner, populated with seedy characters that would be more at home in a David Lynch flick than Stuckeyville. Warren walks up to the sleaziest guy he can find at the counter, tells him that he's Hector, and says that they spoke on the phone. The guy tells him to get lost. Warren asks, "Does the name Hector Pendleton ring any bells?" and the guy nearly bites Warren's head off. Warren hurriedly gets away from the guy and sees an older gentleman in a booth nod at him. Warren nods back. The guy nods again. Warren nods back. The guy finally realizes that Warren has the smarts of a begonia and motions for him to come over to the booth. Warren finally gets it and goes over there. "Are you Hector?" the man asks. Warren confirms that he is. The guy asks Warren how old he is. Warren says he's twenty-five, and that all the Pendleton men look a little boyish; it's both a blessing and a curse. The guy doesn't believe him, but he doesn't really care because the name of the game is business and more specifically "whore business." He asks Warren what kind of escort he would like, and Warren wants an pretty one with a heart of gold. Unfortunately, Julia Roberts is sorta busy so the guy says he'll do what he can for Warren.
Back in the alley, Ed's buddy shows up yet again after leaving town twice already. Apparently, Ron went to talk to Winkstead, the EPA guy, but the guy wouldn't give Ron the time of day. Ron wants Ed to talk to him because Ed has a way with guys like Winkstead. Ed calls Winkstead on the phone and the guy agrees to attend the EPA meeting Ron wanted him to attend. Ron's thrilled and tells Ed that "this is huge," meaning that Ed just did something that Mr. Corner Office himself couldn't manage to do. Ed's rather pleased with himself when crotchety old Ms. Free Ride comes in, asking Ed what time it is. Ed says 3:00. She asks what happens at 3:00, and Ed doesn't know. The old bag says that at 3:00 every day, she sits down to watch The Rockford Files and let James Garner entertain the hell out of her. Now, instead of being home and watching the Files, she's in the alley whining and bitching that her electricity still isn't on. Ed plays Johnny-on-the-Spot and grabs the phone, promising Miss Can't Pay Her Bills But Still Wants The Luxuries Like Electricity that in twenty-four hours, she will have electricity. Ron leaves as Ed sighs, debating whether he really wants to be doing what he's doing. I know I faced that same dilemma many times over when I was a carny. Yes, every day, I'd wake up, roll over and see the Bearded Lady snoring to me, and wonder, "Is that all there is?" Luckily, as this gig with MBTV has taught me...no. That's not all there is. Sometimes it just gets worse. ["You missed one of my bunions. Open your eyes!" -- Wing Chun]
Commercials come on. I miss them because I'm staying in touch with the Weather Channel for all my weather needs during commercials for the rest of the episode. I'm hearing rumbles and I don't think they're coming from my bowels.
Phil is directing traffic as people haul large boxes out of the bowling alley. Ed asks what's going on, and Phil explains that he's moving to the Big Apple. Ed doesn't believe him until Phil produces a letter and hands it to Ed. "Dear Robert Thunderbolts," it begins. "Congratulations on being chosen as a finalist for the show Outragiacked." Ed can't believe it. Phil's leaving for the small screen. Phil asks whether, once he gets to Gotham, if it'd be cool if he went out with Ed's ex-wife. Ed is taken aback, which is better than being taken for a urethra examination. Mrs. I'm Old And Can't Get Up To Work To Pay My Bills shows up and thanks Ed for the verbal ass-whoopin' he administered to her landlord. Apparently he crumbled like an origami petunia and, to thank Mr. Stevens, she's baked him a meatloaf. You know...since she can't afford to pay him and all. I'll bet if he represented her on a murder charge, she'd be paying him back with a fine piece of that ancient ass. I also bet that Ed's hoping she's packing heat. She kisses Ed and tells him she wouldn't know what to do without him. I've got an idea: she'd have to get a freakin' job, for a start. She leaves, and Ed watches Kenny and Phil lug out a heavy box labeled "Novelty Mugs."
Warren is cruising the bad section of town in the family station wagon when he spots a leggy blonde. He asks her whether she's with Happy Times and she says she is. He asks whether she knows a woman named Tanya and she says that she's Tanya. Warren almost spoots his goo all over his Fruit of the Looms as he tells her to get out of his dreams and into his station wagon. She asks whether his name's Hector, and he says no, that's just the name he uses when dealing with pimps. He then segues into his patented Warren spaz mode where he starts hyperventilating while he speaks and acting like a total retard. She tries to get him to calm down and relax. Warren explains that he's never been a trick or a john, as if she hadn't noticed. She asks whether they're going somewhere special, and he says they're going to his junior prom. She laughs out loud, and he says this is very important to him. So he starts telling her exactly who he wants her to pretend to be. He starts to say he wants her to be a freshman at Vassar. Then takes another look at her and says, "Maybe a sophomore...no offense." The gal must be in her late twenties, which is throwing Warren for a loop. Happy Times must have been all out of the teenage runaway escorts.
Back at the alley, it's after closing time. Ed's just staring at the empty alleys, polishing off the meatloaf like Molly polishing off a raspberry-topped cheesecake. Ron walks in YET FUCKING AGAIN. Jeebus! This guy is one bad penny; he keeps turning up again and again. This time, Ron is back to ask Ed to come back to New York and work at Farmer and Sheehan again. He would love to have Ed on his team. Ed reminds Ron that he was fired, hoping against hope that fact will finally provoke Ron to leave for good. Instead, Ron says that Farmer and Sheehan would be crazy to turn Ed down after he hoodwinked Mr. Winkstead into attending the meeting Ron couldn't get him to attend. Ron says that he saw in Ed's eyes the passion that Ed still had for that line of lawyerism, and that he needs to come back to New York. Ed says that Stuckeyville is where he's supposed to be and that somebody has to watch out for people like old Mrs. I'll Bake You A Sheet Cake If You Get The Judge To Drop The Shoplifting Charge Against Me. Ron seems to take no for an answer, and announces for the fourth or fifth time in less than an hour that this time he really is leaving. Ed hugs him goodbye one final time and tells him to not let the door hit him in the ass.
At the prom, Big-Assed Mark is polishing off the punch bowl, as his gal pal watches him make a husky ass of himself. Meanwhile, Carol's nervous as she talks to Molly, who's reassuring her that her prom date will show up. Gavin shows up wearing a top hat and tails. Big-Assed Mark says he looks like Abe Lincoln got it on with a magician and Gavin was the result. Gavin says Mark looks like Mr. Roarke swallowed Tattoo in his white tux. Donna walks up to Carol, who comments on Donna's breathtakingly gorgeous looks. Carol sounds like she's about to go lez all over Donna. Donna introduces David to Carol, who says she knows who he is and tells him that he was great in Jesus Christ Superstar. I think she has David mixed up with that legendary star of stage and screen, Rex Smith. Just then, Ed bursts into the small circle of friends in a gawdawful ugly powder-blue tuxedo with gold ruffles. Ed announces that he's wearing his "big prom tux" over and over again, in a much louder version of his patented awkward small talk. He thought Carol would be decked out in a big prom dress but she's not, even though he's in a big prom tux.
Warren and his "date" finally walk in, and all eyes are on them. Every single person in the room is jealous of his date, who not only looks fine as hell, but looks like she could suck a bowling ball through a garden hose. Warren's walking through the crowd of people, acknowledging all of them with his own nicknames for them. He says hello to Jessica, who we find out has gone to the prom with Tim after all, after a near break-up last week. This explains why she kept turning Warren down last week -- she was waiting for Tim to come back to his senses and take her to the prom. Whew! I know I've had my share of sleepless nights over the last week, worrying that these two egotistical high-school scumfucks would screw up everything and not get back together. Warren walks over to "Ed and Carol" and informs them they're both looking sweet. He tells Ed to "keep it real, Tiger." He then introduces Tanya to his buddies Gavin and Big-Assed Mark, explaining that he and Tanya met at a museum. "Atomic Dog" is played, and Tanya has to dance to this song, since it's her song, which means Warren's going to be driving the sausage home doggy-style, if you get my drift. They hit the dance floor, and Tanya shakes her ass while Warren dances as you'd expect Janet Reno to dance. Big-Assed Mark says aloud, "Warren Cheswick is God." As if that had to be confirmed. If I had the foresight to take a whore to my prom, maybe my prom would have ended on a much more upbeat note. Instead, I was ridiculed for taking the school's "slow" girl, spent most of the night trying to scrub drool out of my tux jacket, and got a pretty good thrashing at the hands of some drunken jocks who wanted to teach me the finer points of getting my ass kicked for being nice to the mentally challenged.
The deejay takes the microphone and announces that it's time to crown the king and queen of Stuckeyville's Junior Prom. The deejay looks an awful lot like porn star Ron Jeremy if he had shaved off his mustache and laid off the massive amounts of coke. Of course, the queen is Jessica Martell. Duh. I saw that one coming a mile away. The king is...is...is....? As the strains of Handel's "Messiah" is piped through the loudspeakers, Mr. Bobby Thunderbolts walks through the crowd with crown on head, and Kenny carrying his robe so that it doesn't drag across the floor. Phil gets on stage and announces that the entire crowd has been outragiacked! Then he laughs uproariously at his own prank once again and explains to the assembled students that he's not really the king -- he's not even a student here. He then declares the shoot a wrap and tells Shirley and Kenny, "Let's go." The students watch in silence as Phil takes off. No king is announced, for those of you mining this recap for any trivia. I'm assuming Jessica's boyfriend Tim was announced, but it wasn't shown.
As Marvin Gaye's "Mercy Mercy Me" plays, Ed and Molly are standing and watching the crowd. Ed says that he feels like he's stepped through a time warp and it's twelve years earlier. For an entire evening, he stared at Carol Vessey and she didn't know he existed. He then says, "It's not often in life that you receive a do-over. And this time, I'm taking advantage of it." He walks up to Carol and says hello. She says, "Hello, my powder-blue friend." Etta James's "At Last" starts playing, and Ed asks Carol to dance. Carol says, "Sure," without drooling all over her gown like my prom date did.
We're then treated to the final musical montage of the season -- you know, the montage that plays in every episode of Ed five minutes before the ending. Warren is sitting by himself, looking sad as Big-Assed Mark dances with the whore (and I don't mean Molly). Warren is shown again, watching Donna dance with David. Their eyes meet, and they both smile. Carol is shown with her head pressed against Ed's chest, which is female body language roughly translated to mean, "I'll show you my naked ass if you want to see it." Warren finally walks over to David and Donna, taps David on the shoulder, and tells him to scram. Donna smiles and the two begin to dance.
After the prom, Ed and Carol are walking home, both glad that they made it through the evening without it getting too weird due to the "near kiss." They both credit the other for keeping their hormones in check and remaining "good friends." They arrive at Ed's house -- or "Casa Del Stevens," as Ed calls it. Ed offers to walk Carol to her house, but Carol declines. They talk for another minute about how that "near kiss" thing is nothing to worry about, really, because they've been through a lot together and they're still friends. They've been through a lot more trying times than that "near kiss." Ed says he has to take his tux off before he gets radiation poisoning, and Carol chuckles politely and says her goodnight and begins her journey home on the dark and dangerous streets of Stuckeyville. Ed tells her to stop, and she turns around. He asks her whether she wants to come in for a drink, which is male speak for "I think I'm ready to see that naked ass now." She agrees.
When Ed and Carol into the house, the setting is oddly familiar to your old Uncle Bob but he just can't put his finger on it. It's almost like Ed's been here before. They bump into each other as they're walking and Ed asks to take her coat off, which he does so slowly and gingerly, you'd think the coat was made of pipe bombs. He asks what she'd like to drink...beer? Wine? He can make some rye toast if she's hungry. Carol opts for a beer. Ed tells her he's going to go get one when there's a knock at the door with a minute left in the episode. Oh holy hell. Who could this be? Mike? Molly? Warren? The whore?!
Ed goes to the door and slowly opens it.
It's her.
Bonnie Hane is back.
"Nice ruffles," she says with a smirk.
And the season fades to black.
Tee hee! Bonnie's back. Ed and Carol don't end up together after all. And I'm going to be talking about this all. Summer. Long. Whether or not anyone's willing to listen to me is another story altogether.