Mind Over Matter

I'm worried about Ed.

This show started off so well, and now it's just kind of limping along like a three-legged dog, waiting for some sheer stroke of genius to come along and improve it. And unless the powers that be wise up and realize that I am the saving grace that Ed so desperately needs, I'm worried that it's going to keep cascading down into a sea of shittiness from which it will never emerge again.

Or it may fly. What the hell do I know? I thought Hudson Hawk was sheer brilliance.

Anyway...on with the show.

Mike is playing pinball in the bowling alley when Ed walks up and starts encouraging Mike to "nudge it." Repeatedly. Whatta pervert. I mean...right there, I wanted to turn off my television, email Wing Chun, and say "This Ed show has gone a bit too far, and I'm never recapping it again." But as it turns out, Ed's telling Mike to nudge the machine in order for it to perform better. My bad. Mike loses the ball, and Ed asks him whether he's seen the newspaper today. Mike says he hasn't. There's terrible news inside the paper: Jasperbowl, in nearby Jasper, is being torn down and made into a mini storage facility. Wow. That, my friend, is terrible news...right up there with Columbine and the Oklahoma City bombing. This means that Stuckey Bowl is now the only bowling alley in the area open for business. Mike says that this is good, because Mike is a capitalist and abhors competition in any form. Ed says that Stuckey Bowl will never be torn down while he's alive. Mike pipes up with the terrifying notion that there will be no one there to guard Stuckey Bowl when Ed croaks. And when you're dead, anything can happen to your memories. Ed says that he doesn't want that happening, while Mike -- who's learned how to tune out just about anything Ed says that reeks of "soul searching" -- bets Ed ten dollars that he won't yell "I love kitties!" at the top of his lungs in the middle of the crowded bowling alley. Ed does it and feels embarrassed afterwards. I don't do it, but feel embarrassed for Ed just the same for having the weekly $10 bet sink to such asinine depths.

Credits roll. You know, I don't know who half these people are whose names roll past in the credits. I don't know which actors play Molly or Warren or Dr. Jerome or hardly anyone. Do you ever get the feeling I could very well be the biggest slacker that MBTV employs? ["Well actually...nah." -- Wing Chun]

Back at the alley, Shirley is asking Kenny which he thinks would make more money -- a talking dog or a flying dog. Kenny chooses a talking dog, while Shirley opts for the flying dog, because you could put on more of a show with it. Ed walks up and interupts the conversation, backing up Kenny's choice of a talking dog, because the dog could ask for the money himself. Kenny and Shirley stare at him like he just told them he'd contracted scabies. Harry Lockmather walks in. If I recall, Harry was on Phil's bowling team during the episode when Warren was trying to impress Jessica by being on a bowling team. I wish the girls in my high school were so easily impressed. I had to have a fake I.D. and a ten-inch tongue to impress the hot chicks in my high school. Ed asks Harry how he's feeling, what with that wicked arthritis that has stricken him. Harry does a couple of knee bends and declares that he's more fit than Jack LaLanne. Apparently, a doctor has been giving him Hexomyacin, which is some miracle drug that has cured his arthritis once and for all. Now his knees bend like first-year Tupperware. Phil walks up and greets Harry, "Harry Lockmather, you old bag of gas!" They get caught up on Harry's arthritis; Harry bitches that the pills cost him $85 a week, but that he's never felt better. Phil asks Harry why he hasn't checked into getting generic pills, and Harry says there are none. Phil shakes the bottle of pills and tells Harry not to worry about it; he "knows a guy" who can take care of this for him. Ed gets a bit agitated and asks Phil why he always has to "know a guy"; why can't he just say he knows a pharmacist or a guy who works as a drug company rep? Phil snickers and tells Harry not to even bother Ed until he's had his second cup of java in the morning. Harry stares at him blankly.

Molly and Carol are strutting down a rainy street, arm in arm as always, as Molly brags to Carol about her latest beau, Jeff, the book guy. Apparently, Jeff didn't stand a chance once Molly turned on that "Molly Hudson charm." Something tells me that if I ever had Molly Hudson charm on me, I'd scour my body with SOS pads for several days. Jeff's going to be calling her soon to set up a date. Carol tries to act like she's jealous, but c'mon -- Carol can have any lunkhead in Stuckeyville. Molly gets one bone thrown her way and thinks she's Mae West all of a sudden.

Meanwhile, while the two femme fatales are walking down a rainy street, Ed, Mike, Nancy and evil baby Sara are enjoying a sunny day at the park. Wait a...wait a damned second here. How big is Stuckeyville? I've heard of isolated showers...but this one takes the cake. Anyway...Ed's still bitching about the demise of the Jasperbowl. Mainly, he's pissed because it kills him to think that Stuckey Bowl will probably be torn down after he dies. Molly and Carol walk up, dry as a dead man's mouth and wanting to know what the topic of conversation could possibly be. Nancy shares that Ed's still bitching about Stuckey Bowl being torn down once he dies. Molly tells Ed that nothing lasts forever. Mike says, "Nothing except..." Everyone waits for him to finish his sentence when he says "I thought I could make up an easy joke there but nothing came." Nancy offers Mike some friendly advice...don't speak. Ed comes up with a plan: he's going to approach the Stuckeyville City Council to seek landmark status for the Stuckey Bowl. Carol doesn't think it will work; she supposes that he'll have a tough time convincing the City Council that the bowling alley deserves landmark status. Ed says that Carol has obviously never experienced the boyish charms of one Edward J. Stevens. Molly says, "Oh, I think she has," and Carol smiles a demure little smile that says, "You almost got in my panties at one time, Edward J. Stevens." Suddenly, Mike blurts, "Gonnorhea!" because according to Dr. Mike, it lasts forever.

Mike and Ed are walking to Mike's office when Phil pops out wearing dark sunglasses and looking shiftier than usual. Phil has a favor to ask of Mike. Ed says, "This is 'the guy'?" and Phil allows that it is. Ed says that Mike is not "a guy" as in "I know a guy." "A guy" in that case would be someone rather shifty and unscrupulous. Phil asks Ed whether they can agree to disagree, and then asks Mike whether he can get his hands on some generic Hexomyacin for a friend of his. Mike says he's never heard of Hexomyacin. Phil pulls out a five spot and says, "Maybe this will refresh your memory." Mike says he's not looking for a bribe; he's just never heard of the drug. Phil realizes that he's got a tough nut to crack here and shoves two five-dollar bills into Mike's coat pocket. Ed explains what's going on. Phil produces one of the Hexomyacin pills, and Mike says he will send it off to the lab to see what exactly this Hexomyacin is. Dr. Jerome steps outside and says he hates to disturb the tea party, but there's all these people sitting in the waiting room; he asks Mike whether he would have any idea what they're doing at the office. "Aren't those your patients?" Phil asks Mike. "Very good," Dr. Jerome says. "Your little hippie friend is very perceptive." Mike tells Dr. Jerome that he'll be right in, and Jerome says, "No, you enjoy yourself. Don't worry about the sick and dying in here." Dr. Jerome walks back into the building and Phil smiles and opines, "That guy's cool!" I'd love to see a show that revolved around Phil and Dr. Jerome. Maybe a spinoff where Phil is Jerome's assistant in a nursing home or something. Man. Talk about your Yuks Aplenty.

Back at the alley, Ed's busy drilling holes in a bowling ball when Shirley walks up and explains that she used to work for Ed as a bowling-alley employee, but now she works as his legal assistant. Yes, Shirley. We know this. Anyway, a man is there to see Ed, but he's not there for legal assistance; he's there to talk about the bowling alley. Shirley's duties in this case fall in a gray area, and she doesn't know what to do. Ed suggests that she send the gentleman in. This seems to appease Shirley and solve the dilemma at the same time. A man walks in and introduces himself as Hank Rodulescu. It seems that every May 9 since 1942, Hank and his buddies have assembled for a midnight bowl at Stuckey Bowl. Hank says that they don't have much money to rent the place out. Ed poo-poos any exchange of money in the interest of keeping a tradition afloat, and tells Hank that the bowling alley is theirs for the evening. This Hank guy is really borderline creepy in a Dennis Hopper-Hannibal Lecter kind of way. I get the feeling the guy's going to try to surgically remove Ed's face and eat it later in the show. Then again, that feeling could just be the mushrooms kicking in.