I'm worried about Ed.
This show started off so well, and now it's just kind of limping along like a three-legged dog, waiting for some sheer stroke of genius to come along and improve it. And unless the powers that be wise up and realize that I am the saving grace that Ed so desperately needs, I'm worried that it's going to keep cascading down into a sea of shittiness from which it will never emerge again.
Or it may fly. What the hell do I know? I thought Hudson Hawk was sheer brilliance.
Anyway...on with the show.
Mike is playing pinball in the bowling alley when Ed walks up and starts encouraging Mike to "nudge it." Repeatedly. Whatta pervert. I mean...right there, I wanted to turn off my television, email Wing Chun, and say "This Ed show has gone a bit too far, and I'm never recapping it again." But as it turns out, Ed's telling Mike to nudge the machine in order for it to perform better. My bad. Mike loses the ball, and Ed asks him whether he's seen the newspaper today. Mike says he hasn't. There's terrible news inside the paper: Jasperbowl, in nearby Jasper, is being torn down and made into a mini storage facility. Wow. That, my friend, is terrible news...right up there with Columbine and the Oklahoma City bombing. This means that Stuckey Bowl is now the only bowling alley in the area open for business. Mike says that this is good, because Mike is a capitalist and abhors competition in any form. Ed says that Stuckey Bowl will never be torn down while he's alive. Mike pipes up with the terrifying notion that there will be no one there to guard Stuckey Bowl when Ed croaks. And when you're dead, anything can happen to your memories. Ed says that he doesn't want that happening, while Mike -- who's learned how to tune out just about anything Ed says that reeks of "soul searching" -- bets Ed ten dollars that he won't yell "I love kitties!" at the top of his lungs in the middle of the crowded bowling alley. Ed does it and feels embarrassed afterwards. I don't do it, but feel embarrassed for Ed just the same for having the weekly $10 bet sink to such asinine depths.
Credits roll. You know, I don't know who half these people are whose names roll past in the credits. I don't know which actors play Molly or Warren or Dr. Jerome or hardly anyone. Do you ever get the feeling I could very well be the biggest slacker that MBTV employs? ["Well actually...nah." -- Wing Chun]
Back at the alley, Shirley is asking Kenny which he thinks would make more money -- a talking dog or a flying dog. Kenny chooses a talking dog, while Shirley opts for the flying dog, because you could put on more of a show with it. Ed walks up and interupts the conversation, backing up Kenny's choice of a talking dog, because the dog could ask for the money himself. Kenny and Shirley stare at him like he just told them he'd contracted scabies. Harry Lockmather walks in. If I recall, Harry was on Phil's bowling team during the episode when Warren was trying to impress Jessica by being on a bowling team. I wish the girls in my high school were so easily impressed. I had to have a fake I.D. and a ten-inch tongue to impress the hot chicks in my high school. Ed asks Harry how he's feeling, what with that wicked arthritis that has stricken him. Harry does a couple of knee bends and declares that he's more fit than Jack LaLanne. Apparently, a doctor has been giving him Hexomyacin, which is some miracle drug that has cured his arthritis once and for all. Now his knees bend like first-year Tupperware. Phil walks up and greets Harry, "Harry Lockmather, you old bag of gas!" They get caught up on Harry's arthritis; Harry bitches that the pills cost him $85 a week, but that he's never felt better. Phil asks Harry why he hasn't checked into getting generic pills, and Harry says there are none. Phil shakes the bottle of pills and tells Harry not to worry about it; he "knows a guy" who can take care of this for him. Ed gets a bit agitated and asks Phil why he always has to "know a guy"; why can't he just say he knows a pharmacist or a guy who works as a drug company rep? Phil snickers and tells Harry not to even bother Ed until he's had his second cup of java in the morning. Harry stares at him blankly.
Molly and Carol are strutting down a rainy street, arm in arm as always, as Molly brags to Carol about her latest beau, Jeff, the book guy. Apparently, Jeff didn't stand a chance once Molly turned on that "Molly Hudson charm." Something tells me that if I ever had Molly Hudson charm on me, I'd scour my body with SOS pads for several days. Jeff's going to be calling her soon to set up a date. Carol tries to act like she's jealous, but c'mon -- Carol can have any lunkhead in Stuckeyville. Molly gets one bone thrown her way and thinks she's Mae West all of a sudden.
Meanwhile, while the two femme fatales are walking down a rainy street, Ed, Mike, Nancy and evil baby Sara are enjoying a sunny day at the park. Wait a...wait a damned second here. How big is Stuckeyville? I've heard of isolated showers...but this one takes the cake. Anyway...Ed's still bitching about the demise of the Jasperbowl. Mainly, he's pissed because it kills him to think that Stuckey Bowl will probably be torn down after he dies. Molly and Carol walk up, dry as a dead man's mouth and wanting to know what the topic of conversation could possibly be. Nancy shares that Ed's still bitching about Stuckey Bowl being torn down once he dies. Molly tells Ed that nothing lasts forever. Mike says, "Nothing except..." Everyone waits for him to finish his sentence when he says "I thought I could make up an easy joke there but nothing came." Nancy offers Mike some friendly advice...don't speak. Ed comes up with a plan: he's going to approach the Stuckeyville City Council to seek landmark status for the Stuckey Bowl. Carol doesn't think it will work; she supposes that he'll have a tough time convincing the City Council that the bowling alley deserves landmark status. Ed says that Carol has obviously never experienced the boyish charms of one Edward J. Stevens. Molly says, "Oh, I think she has," and Carol smiles a demure little smile that says, "You almost got in my panties at one time, Edward J. Stevens." Suddenly, Mike blurts, "Gonnorhea!" because according to Dr. Mike, it lasts forever.
Mike and Ed are walking to Mike's office when Phil pops out wearing dark sunglasses and looking shiftier than usual. Phil has a favor to ask of Mike. Ed says, "This is 'the guy'?" and Phil allows that it is. Ed says that Mike is not "a guy" as in "I know a guy." "A guy" in that case would be someone rather shifty and unscrupulous. Phil asks Ed whether they can agree to disagree, and then asks Mike whether he can get his hands on some generic Hexomyacin for a friend of his. Mike says he's never heard of Hexomyacin. Phil pulls out a five spot and says, "Maybe this will refresh your memory." Mike says he's not looking for a bribe; he's just never heard of the drug. Phil realizes that he's got a tough nut to crack here and shoves two five-dollar bills into Mike's coat pocket. Ed explains what's going on. Phil produces one of the Hexomyacin pills, and Mike says he will send it off to the lab to see what exactly this Hexomyacin is. Dr. Jerome steps outside and says he hates to disturb the tea party, but there's all these people sitting in the waiting room; he asks Mike whether he would have any idea what they're doing at the office. "Aren't those your patients?" Phil asks Mike. "Very good," Dr. Jerome says. "Your little hippie friend is very perceptive." Mike tells Dr. Jerome that he'll be right in, and Jerome says, "No, you enjoy yourself. Don't worry about the sick and dying in here." Dr. Jerome walks back into the building and Phil smiles and opines, "That guy's cool!" I'd love to see a show that revolved around Phil and Dr. Jerome. Maybe a spinoff where Phil is Jerome's assistant in a nursing home or something. Man. Talk about your Yuks Aplenty.
Back at the alley, Ed's busy drilling holes in a bowling ball when Shirley walks up and explains that she used to work for Ed as a bowling-alley employee, but now she works as his legal assistant. Yes, Shirley. We know this. Anyway, a man is there to see Ed, but he's not there for legal assistance; he's there to talk about the bowling alley. Shirley's duties in this case fall in a gray area, and she doesn't know what to do. Ed suggests that she send the gentleman in. This seems to appease Shirley and solve the dilemma at the same time. A man walks in and introduces himself as Hank Rodulescu. It seems that every May 9 since 1942, Hank and his buddies have assembled for a midnight bowl at Stuckey Bowl. Hank says that they don't have much money to rent the place out. Ed poo-poos any exchange of money in the interest of keeping a tradition afloat, and tells Hank that the bowling alley is theirs for the evening. This Hank guy is really borderline creepy in a Dennis Hopper-Hannibal Lecter kind of way. I get the feeling the guy's going to try to surgically remove Ed's face and eat it later in the show. Then again, that feeling could just be the mushrooms kicking in.
At Molly's house, Molly's on the phone saying things like "I'm game." Yeah, baby. Molly's game. Molly's Monopoly and I just landed on "Free Parking," babe. She says goodbye to Jeff and hangs up. Carol starts singing "The Look of Love" in order to make Molly blush because she's about to get her loins ravaged and ravaged good. Molly says, "You'll never guess what Jeff just asked me to do." Carol suggests shoving various kitchen utensils up Jeff's wazoo. Molly blushes and says, "No," but doesn't rule out a friendly game of "Hide the Turkey Baster Up Jeff's Ass" later. No -- Jeff has asked Molly to accompany him to a MENSA cocktail party. This prompts Carol to tell her best MENSA joke: how many MENSA members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. Molly finds this amusing. Meanwhile, I'm hiding behind my recliner for fear that somebody's going to have his face sliced off in a moment.
Back at the alley, Phil and Ed are working away when Phil asks Ed how many women he's had sex with. Ed looks surprised, and Phil explains that it's perfectly okay for Ed to tell him, because "that's what guys talk about when they're hanging out." And all this time, I just thought my male friends wanted to hear all about my amazing penis tricks. Who's the social retard now, Unka Bob?! Old Man Harry comes walking up and Ed starts to tell him the news, but Phil interupts Ed, "Don't come waltzing in here expecting to run the victory lap." Apparently, Phil wants to tell Harry the news. He says he's had his "boys down at the lab" checking out this Hexomyacin; what it boils down to is that the pills Harry's been taking are 100% sugar with a bogus name Harry's doctor made up. Harry grabs Phil by the collar and wants to know if Phil's hornswaggling him. Ed steps in and says that it's true: Harry's doctor has been charging him $85 a week for placebos. Harry wants to take a tire iron to his doctor's silky white ass. Phil tells Harry there's a better way: Harry's been wronged, Ed's a lawyer...Phil starts singing the Jeopardy theme song, hoping Harry makes the connection himself. Harry does, and tells Ed he wants to sue the doctor until he bleeds through the head. Ed says he'll see what he can do. Phil flies off the handle and says, "Now why do you have to say that? 'Let me see what I can do.' Why can't you just say, 'Okay, I'll be your lawyer'? You're just so cool. 'Let me see what I can do.' Ooooo! You're just a regular Remington Steele." "Are you finished?" Ed asks. "Not yet," Phil says, and then finishes, "....oooooo," give or take an "o." "Now I'm finished," Phil says, and storms off. Harry gives Ed a look like he thinks Phil may be mentally retarded.
Commercials. Did you know Rolling Stone says that A Knight's Tale is one of the best rip-offs of Gladiator ever made? Well...they didn't exactly say that. I'm not exactly sure whether anyone's actually said that. But there has been a pretty messy slop of hyperbole slapped all over this film's commercials, and I, for one, am not falling for it.
Ed goes to Dr. Kendall's office. Dr. Kendall is leaving, and blows Ed off with the patented line, "I'm late for lunch." Ed introduces himself as Harry's lawyer, which stops Kendall in his tracks. "Walk me to my car," Kendall says. Ed flutters his eyelashes and sprays some Binaca under his tongue as he prepares to walk the handsome young doctor to his car. Dr. Kendall asks Ed if he's with Tessle and Tessle, because if he is, this conversation is over. Ed says he isn't. Kendall doesn't mind Arnie Tessle, but Frank Tessle...well, just don't put his stones in a vise and tell him that you're friends...whatever the hell that means. Ed asks Kendall about the pills he's been prescribing for Harry, and Dr. Kendall admits that he's been cramming Harry full of placebos, adding that it's a very common practice. Kendall gets in his car and says he's late for lunch. Ed tells him that he'll see him in court. Kendall tells Ed that this can be settled like gentlemen, and that Ed should call Kendall's secretary to set up a lunch date.
Carol shows up at the alley. Ed asks what she's doing there, and she asks Ed whether he wants some company. He offers her $50 like she's a whore. Carol's offended and Ed says he meant $50,000, like that's going to make the cheap-assed whore feel better. Ed says he's going before the council for landmark status that evening. Carol says it's not that easy to get landmark status. Ed pooh-poohs Carol's negativity and assures her that it should be fairly simple. Ed sees Hank, and he and Carol go over to talk to him. Hank has some old records, some scrapbooks, and some RC Cola. Ed reminds Hank that the bowling alley has a snack bar, but Hank tells Ed that there's no RC Cola and the drink of choice has got to be the Crown. Hank looks at Carol, smooths down his nappy hair, and asks "Who's this lovely lady?" Carol giggles and wonders whether Hank has fifty thousand smackers just laying around, waiting to be spent on some $50,000 whore. Carol tells Ed that he could learn something from this smooth talker. Hank agrees and then they all kinda laugh uncomfortably, with the mental image of Hank banging away on Carol fresh in their heads.
In the Stuckeyville tanning salon, Dr. Kendall is tanning in his bed while talking to Ed. They talk about equestrian law. Kendall asks Ed whether he can handle some equestrian law; Ed doesn't want to talk about equestrian law, he wants to talk about Harry. Kendall notices that Ed's tense about something, and offers to buy him a tan. Ed declines, and says that Kendall owes Harry $85 for the last twenty-two weeks, which amounts to $1,870. Kendall agrees, and writes Ed a check for the amount. He says he's doing so in order to put the whole affair behind them, but that he doesn't want this check to be considered an admission of guilt; rather, it's just the way that gentlemen handle things. Ed's visibly uncomfortable around Dr. Kendall, because Kendall's walking around in a tight Speedo and has a package that could rival Milton Berle's. Kendall asks Ed whether he's sure he doesn't want a tan. Ed says, "I'm cool," and leaves.
At the MENSA cocktail party, Jeff is telling Molly that she must think he's a dork for joining MENSA. Molly says no, adding that she came really close to joining herself one time. Jeff asks why she didn't, and she admits that she has the IQ of a golf ball. Jeff introduces Molly to some people who ask her whether she's a member of MENSA. Molly says no, but that she can multiply two five-digit numbers in her head. The gentleman grills Molly, throwing a couple of five-digit numbers at her. She reels off the answer, and she and Jeff walk away. Jeff's amazed by this ability and says he didn't know she could do this. She says she can't, and confesses that she was just reeling off her social security number. Jeff giggles like a schoolgirl and they get some punch.
At the City Council meeting, a local man is arguing with the president of the council over the Stuckeyville Little Leaguers getting some aluminum bats so that they can compete successfully against the other Little Leagues in the area. The president insists that there's no money in the city's budget for aluminum bats. In the audience, Carol asks Ed whether he knows what he's going to say, and Ed says, "I know what I'm not going to say -- I'm going to steer clear of any mention of aluminum bats." Finally, the aluminum-bat guy is ushered away, and the President asks whether there's anybody else in attendance who needs to address the Council. Ed steps forward, introduces himself as the owner of Stuckey Bowl, and says he wants landmark status for Stuckey Bowl. Why would they do that? It has no architectural or historical significance. Ed says that this may be true, but that the bowling alley is woven into the very fabric of the town. He brings up the fact that Stuckey Bowl and Stuckeyville sound alike. This flies like a wounded cockatoo.
After the meeting, Ed and Carol are walking out of the meeting when Carol asks what's . Ed says he just has to prove that Stuckey Bowl has architectural or historical significance. Carol asks how he plans to do that, and he admits that he has no idea.
At the cocktail party, Molly tells Jeff that she just overheard some stuffy MENSA guy proclaiming his love for HBO's G-String Divas (Which, coincidentally, was Uncle Bob's first pick for MBTV recapping...not Ed. I guess we all see how well that went over. ["I told you, I'll think about it!" -- Wing Chun]) Jeff says that you can still be a genius and love G-String Divas -- which, once again, was my reasoning to the MBTV bigwigs when I argued that the show should be faithfully recapped here. ["If you show your devotion to the show by sending me a photo of yourself in a G-string, I just might be convinced." -- Wing Chun] Molly's quickly losing interest in Mr. Boring, and notices Phil sitting on a couch in a velvet smoking jacket and pipe, chatting up some beautiful and intelligent babe. "What's he doing here?" Molly chokes. "You know Dr. Setulla?" Jeff asks, motioning toward Phil, who's lifted his index finger to his lips to let Molly know not to say anything about him. Molly tells Jeff Carol's MENSA joke, and he says he already knew it. Jeff then tells Molly that she's lucky to have such an amazing friend in Carol, and that Carol had Molly pegged. Molly's perplexed and wants to know what he's talking about. Jeff tells her that he went out with Carol first, and Molly says she didn't know anything about that. He says that Carol told him to ask Molly out rather than go out with her for a second time. Now he's glad that he did ask Molly out. Molly acts pissed but refrains from any physical violence.
Excuse me. Wait just one damned minute here. Molly knew all about Jeff and Carol going out. In the episode in which it took place, Molly was hurt and upset when Jeff asked her out in front of Molly. I'm also pretty sure that Molly was informed on what had happened during the date, but did not know about Carol telling Jeff to ask Molly out. This isn't just a blooper on the show...this is a full-fledged oversight on the part of every single person who works on the show. If I need to be corrected here, lemme know...but I've watched every episode of this show with meticulous detail. I think I'd know these things. ["Nope, you're absolutely right. There's a scene where she's hurt, and a scene where Carol gives her a recap of the date and says that she's not pursuing Jeff herself. Stupid producers!" -- Wing Chun]
Commercials and that stupid live event thing. This week, some dipshit bought an expensive boat without telling his wife, and he wants to tell her live on NBC. The wife is pissed, while the guy painfully tries to laugh it all off. Ummmm...no, Ignoramus. You just landed your family in hock, pal. I don't think your wife's gonna chuckle lightheartedly about being $60,000 in debt, you human lobotomy. She gets mad and pushes him off the boat and he's still laughing uncomfortably and wanting to say, "Okay...NBC...this was a really shitty idea. Would you mind shutting the cameras off now?" NBC informs the couple that they're going to pay for six months' worth of payments on the boat, and the husband seems happy, but the wife still wants to beat the living shit out of Sir Stupid Von Shithead.
Back in the bowling alley, Ed and Carol are walking in with Ethan Browling, who is there to see if there's anything of architectural significance to take them one step closer to landmark status. Phil walks up to the man and shakes his hand, telling him he's a big fan of his work in determining architectural significance, especially the Denny's restaurant. Phil wants to know whether Ethan ever had the chance to meet Denny, because he always seemed like he would be a kind man. Ed tells Phil to scram and he does. Ed asks what Ethan thinks of the bowling alley, and Ethan says it looks like a bowling alley to him. Ed takes him on a spirited tour of the alley, trying to make everything from the shoe counter to the snack bar seem much more architecturally significant then they actually are. Harry walks in and has to talk to Ed. Ed excuses himself and tells Carol to get Ethan something architecturally significant to drink. She offers him root beer and he accepts.
Ed tells Harry that he's surprised Kendall just wrote that check out so quickly, but Harry's not surprised. Harry's brought two friends along; Kendall also duped them out of money, selling them the same placebos Harry's been taking. Ed thinks that the doctor has a racket going; he says that Harry shouldn't cash the check, and that they should all file a class-action suit against him. Harry's impressed and calls Ed "Erin Brockovich." Ed says he'll get cracking on the case tomorrow.
Down in the basement of the Stuckey Bowl, Ed, Molly, and Kenny are all looking for anything of historical significance that might impress the council. Kenny pulls out a red, white, and blue bowling pin that dates back to 1976, when they had the pins made for the bicentennial. Ed says that's good, but that he was hoping for old photos or documents or something. Dejected, Kenny mentions that Big Rudy always kept his papers in an old file cabinet. They open the file cabinet and they've hit the jackpot. Lots of old stuff fill the drawers of the file cabinet. Kenny mentions that by the tricentennial, they'll all be dead. Ed stares at Molly, silently apologizing for his employee's ape-like demeanor. Molly and Ed pore over the files and Ed finds something of interest -- a newspaper with the headline "Ford visits Stuckey Bowl." Molly guesses Gerald, Henry, and Harrison Ford. Finally, Ed says "Stu." Stu Ford was the state spelling bee champion in 1962. Ed asks how the big date with Jeff went. Molly says that she had a great time until he mentioned that he went out with Carol before he asked out Molly. What really gets Molly's goat is that Jeff only asked Carol out to get closer to Molly. Meanwhile, Phil is hanging a flying buttress in the alley. Ed asks what he's doing, and he says that he's hanging a flying buttress: "There's nothing more architecturally significant that a flying buttress." Dr. Kendall walks in and asks Ed for two minutes of his time. Ed tells Kendall that it's inappropriate for them to speak without Kendall's lawyer present. Kendall wants him to drop the case, and Ed says no -- that it's been a scam all along. Kendall says that what he's doing is perfectly okay. Y'see...Ed sees Kendall's fancy cars and expensive suits and thinks that Kendall's a crook. But Ed's wrong. Kendall cured these people when nobody else could. Once word gets out about this, all the patients that he's cured with placebos are going to regress and get angry with Kendall. At this point, somebody really should have walked in with one of those big chocolate chip cookies that you can buy at the mall with the word "DUH" written in chocolate icing across the top of it and laid it down in front of Kendall. This would have happened if I was the head writer of Ed, believe you me, Bub.
In court, Harry is on the stand, being grilled by Ed. Ed asks Harry whether, when Kendall offered to sell him these pills, he mentioned they were sugar. No, Harry says. Ed asks what Kendall told Harry they were. Harry says that Kendall sold Hexomyacin as experimental drugs that weren't used very much because they were so expensive. Ed asks whether Harry would have spent $85 a week on these pills if he had known they were sugar. Harry says, "Hell no." Ed then affirms that Kendall sold Harry pills that he didn't want by making him think that they were pills that he did want. Harry agrees with this assessment and says Kendall's lucky Harry didn't whomp him upside the head. Nothing further from Ed. Kendall's attorney slithers in for the kill. He gets Harry to admit that he's had arthritis for five years, that he went to see his doctor, and that there was nothing that his doctor could do for him. Kendall tried different things that didn't work and, as a last result, he decided to try to something to help Harry's problem psychologically by prescribing and selling the drugs to Harry. The attorney asks Harry whether he ever told Kendall that he would be more than happy to spend $85 a week on something that would cure his arthritis. Harry says that he remembers saying that. When he started taking the pills, did his arthritis go away? Harry says it did. So then...Harry wanted pills to make his arthritis go away...Kendall sold him pills that made his arthritis go away...what the hell are we all doing here?!
Answer: We're reading the Ed recap! (Confetti falls from your ceiling as party hats are put on and horns are blown and everyone does the MBTV Ed recap dance. This is all in my head, mind you. Please don't feel like the recap is malfunctioning because no confetti just fell from your ceiling.)
Molly's walking down the street during a particularly nasty snow, desperately trying to find someone with whom to walk arm in arm, because we all know that there's no possible way Molly can walk down a street without hanging off someone. Carol jumps out of a store and approaches Molly, asking how the date with Jeff went. Molly says it went well until it started to really, really suck. Then she starts jumping all up Carol's ass because Carol never told her that Jeff asked her out even though I'm pretty convinced that Carol did tell her which I covered about eleven paragraphs ago. ["You were right then, and you're right now." -- Wing Chun] They get in this huffy little bitch fight on the street, and Molly says that she's not one of the losers Carol always adopts to help because Carol's own life was handed to her on a silver platter. Carol storms off, telling Molly she's tired of Molly's always trying to position herself as the underdog in life. Then she calls Molly a cheeseburger-sucking whorebag from a distance, but we at home didn't hear it because we were already being consumed by...
...commercials. NBC insists that I don't miss the last five minutes of The West Wing. That's cool. I'll just skip the first fifty-five minutes.
Back in court, Kendall's lawyer is asking Kendall why he sold placebos to Harry and everyone else. Kendall says it's because he had tried everything else, and that placebos were the last resort. The lawyer wants to know why he charged his patients $85 a week, and Kendall says that the more the placebos cost, the more effective the patients would think they were. Kendall used to charge less for the placebos, but they didn't work as well. He found that $85 is the least he could charge and still have patients think they were getting a great deal on pharmaceuticals. He says that he asked each of the patients whether it would be worth $85 a week to get rid of their arthritis, and each of them said it would be. So he embarked on a mission to do just that. He gave them relief from years of physical agony. Then it's Ed's turn, and he asks Kendall to imagine that he went to a jeweler's and bought his wife a $5,000 diamond. His wife enjoys the diamond for about ten years, and then he realizes that the diamond is not a diamond, but a cubic zirconia. He goes back to the jeweler to get his money back, and the jeweler refuses, saying that he paid for the experience of owning a $5,000 diamond. How would Kendall respond to this hypothetical situation? Kendall would want his money back. Is charging a large amount of money the only way he could make the patients think they were getting good medicine? Couldn't he have just told them that they found a generic brand that would only cost them five dollars a week? As long as we're making up lies, why not make up lies that don't cost as much. Ed wants to know how much these sugar pills cost Kendall. He's not sure. Ed's sure: they cost sixteen cents a week, meaning that the patient pays 531 times what the pills cost him. Note to self...the placebo business may be the route to take when this MBTV gig falls through. Nothing further from Ed. Kendall looks like a whipped frog.
Molly's walking through the park when Jeff walks up. He wants to know why Molly's been giving him the cold shoulder lately. Molly blames the weather -- you know...cold shoulder...BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, my Lord...I kill me sometimes. Anyway, Jeff says that he can understand why Molly would be pissed with Carol -- she's a gold-digging whorebag. But why is Molly mad at him? Molly's not mad at Jeff; she's just disappointed because, once again, she wasn't somebody's first choice. Would somebody mind passing Molly a slice of that "DUH" cookie we presented Kendall earlier? Anyway, now that Jeff's gotten to know Molly, he's really glad that he's seeing her and not Carol -- mainly because Molly's got it going on in the boobage department while Carol has the chest of an eleven-year-old boy. Molly says that she's only his first choice because he finally got to know her. She says, "See ya Jeff," and walks away, while Jeff feels like an idiot.
Woohoo! It's time for the judge to declare a winner in this stupid, stupid placebo case. The judge says that even though the use of placebos are effective, this was fraud and he misrepresented the pills. The judge says that Kendall has to pay everyone back their money and that, the time this happens, he won't leave the courtroom with his medical license. Case dismissed. Kendall thanks Ed for causing all these arthritis sufferers great pain and agony. Harry gingerly rubs his shoulder and announces that justice is a bitch.
Back at the alley, the old bowler guys finally show up. Hank hits on Carol, and Carol politely blows him off the way she blew off Molly, except with less mean-spirited vulgarities. The song "Just A Gigolo" starts playing as we watch these old fogies bowl. Each one of them sucks. My dead grandmother could do better with a catapult strapped to her deteriorated arm than these guys are doing. Ed and Carol are poring over the old guy's scrapbooks and find an old picture of the guys when they were teenagers more than fifty years ago. A lightbulb goes off over Ed's head and he stares off into space.
Yet another City Council meeting. Ed's back, and the council isn't impressed. Ed still wants landmark status and says that the bowling alley is significant because of...the people. Ed has something he wants them all to see. He instructs Carol to lift up her blouse, she shows off her eleven-year-old boy's chest, everyone faints, Ed rushes around and brings them all back to consciousness, and then pulls out a videotape. It shows images from the old guy's scrapbooks, pictures from Big Rudy's files, and music that would melt anyone's hearts. There's an interview with the old guys reminiscing about the bowling alley and all the people who have owned the bowling alley over the years. I swear...I'm a jaded old bastard, but this tape even had me all gooey-eyed. Damn Ed. Damn Ed straight to hell. The video ends, and Ed flashes that boyishly charming smile and says, "Come on." The City Council looks at him in amused silence.
Ed is removing a plaque on the front of the Stuckey Bowl that has given the alley Landmark Status. Woohoo! I dance in my chair, which my wife deciphers as a bad case of hemorrhoids. Nope, I'm just happy for Ed and the Stuckey Bowl. Ed thanks everyone in attendance for what they've done and hopes that in fifty years, they could all meet there again. Now then...champagne for everyone. Woohoo! I get excited and rush over to the TV screen for my free glass of champagne before I realize once again, it's only a television show. Dammit! I sure get caught up in storylines sometimes.
Molly and Carol are left outside by themselves, and they bury the hatchet, apologizing like they just hit each other's cars in traffic. Carol wants Molly to know that she never thought of her as a charity case, and Molly says that sometimes it's tough to be the funny friend with the great personality, which makes me think, "Geez Molls...somebody sure does think highly of their personality, huh?" Carol reminds Molly that, just like in the movies, Molly's the funny friend with the great personality who ends up getting the best man...just like I pegged her from the absolute very beginning of this show, thankyewverymuch.
The musical montage starts (Randy Newman's "Falling In Love") with lots of wacky highjinks going on during their bowling party. Nothing of importance to mention here.
Outside, Ed and Carol are on the roof, celebrating by themselves. Ed asks Carol whether she thinks he's silly, and she says, "No more than usual." Ed feels good that the bowling alley will be standing forever. Carol asks Ed whether he really thinks that they will be hooking up at the alley in fifty years. Ed asks what she thinks. Mike comes running out and tells them to come see this: Kenny's about to stop a bowling ball with his head. Ed laughs and says that's something you don't see every day. He asks Carol whether she wants to go down, and she says, "Let's just stay up here for a minute." Then the camera slowly pulls back and it's obvious that they're going to be staying up there for more than a minute, because it's July before the shot fades to black.
I dunno. Last week's episode was one of the worst yet. This one was slightly better, but not by much. Lots of Phil, which always makes me a happy Uncle. But the court case was horrible and not plausible at all, the landmark status subplot was boring, there was no Warren to speak of, the whole thing between Molly and Carol was ignorant because I know Molly knew about Jeff and Carol before tonight, and...and...and...I didn't laugh out loud once, except during that uncomfortable "Live Surprise" where the boat guy caught shit from his wife on live television.
Two more episodes left. Here's to hoping they've saved the best for last.