No time for yuks a-plenty...let's kick this recap Warren Cheswick-style and get it underway.
The show opens with Mike, Nancy, evil baby Sara, and Carol sitting in a booth at Stuckey Bowl. Ed walks up with his hands behind his back and a look on his face like Satan has taken up habitat in his jockeys. "Mike," Ed leers. "Guess what I've got behind my back?" Mike thinks for a second and guesses, "Jell-O?" Ed's more excited than a puppy in a roomful of fire hydrants, and brings his hands out in front of him: it's the ugliest bowling ball you'll ever lay your hands on. Yet, Ed calls it his "lucky" bowling ball. Mike refers to it as his "fruity" bowling ball. Ed had been searching all around Stuckey Bowl for this ball ever since he bought the joint, and has finally found it. Mike says it's a woman's bowling ball -- not because it's pink, but because it has the name "Fran Jesperson" engraved on it. Ed points out that they decided a long time ago that the name "Fran" was gender ambiguous. Maybe it is. But personally, I'd have to be pretty damned drunk to name my little boy "Fran."
All of a sudden, applause breaks out in the alley, and the table's inhabitants get up to see the reason for the ruckus. Phil explains that a young man has just told his girlfriend that if he bowls a strike on his ball, he's going to ask her to marry him. Carol finds this terribly romantic (yet...when Ed tried to use a skywriter to write his love for her in the sky, she found that stupid...go figure) and tells Ed that he should let the kid use Ed's lucky ball for "lady luck." Mike chimes in, "Emphasis on the word 'lady,'" like a real friend. Ed approaches the kid and offers him the use of his hideously ugly lucky ball. The kid agrees to use it, and bowls a strike. His girlfriend gasps like Satan has taken up habitat in her jockeys. Everyone applauds, he asks the girl to marry him and she says "yes." Ed looks like this is some kinda joke that he's not in on. It's basically the same face I wear when I watch ABC's Friday night line-up.
Commercials. Guess what? Some ugly little British lady swears up and down that I am The Weakest Link. I assume she means I'm the weakest link at MBTV. I assume she's reached this assumption after seeing the pitiful response Ed gets on the boards. I'm so humiliated. ["Yeah, y'all -- go post if you don't want Ed to go the way of Third Watch and NYPD Blue." -- Wing Chun]
Back to the show, everyone is congratulating Ari and Barbara on their new engagement. "Ed, we want to get married here in Stuckey Bowl on Saturday night, and everyone's invited," Ari says, to more whooping and hollering. Ed reluctantly agrees. It bothers the hell out of him that these kids are getting married because the guy bowled a strike. Carol still finds it romantic, but it's eating away at Ed like a parasite.
Out in the streets, Warren, Mark, and Gavin are walking down Stuckey Avenue. Warren's talking smack about how to handle a woman, since he's actually been on a date with Donna now and thinks he's Stuckeyville's answer to Dr. Drew. Mark says he's full of crap. Warren says that jealousy doesn't suit Mark. Mark thinks he didn't lay his hands on her. Warren says he's too much of a gentleman to say whether or not he got any nookie, which automatically means he didn't. Gavin chimes in with the fact that he saw a show on HBO once where a woman had a ninety-minute orgasm. I had no idea my wife had a show on HBO. All of a sudden, Donna and a friend come bursting out of a store and walk up to the Geek Patrol. Warren tells his buddies to be cool, As Donna gets near, Warren says, "Heyyyyy, Donna." She just totally blows him off with a "hi" and keeps going. Mark busts a gut (which is a scary thought, considering this kid must weigh four hundred pounds easily) and tells Warren that she must still be shuddering from his touch. Warren's pissed. If there's a machine gun and a clock tower nearby, this whole episode might get pretty gory any second now.
Back at the alley, Ari gives Ed his shoes to keep in a safe place until Saturday when...oh holy shit...this kid's getting married in bowling shoes. Jeezum! Can't the kids of Stuckeyville discover sex and drugs like the rest of America's teens and get over this whole bowling fad thing? Ed says, "So you two are really going through with this, huh?" Ari says he bowled a strike, and that was fate, and "you can't turn your back on fate." They're twenty-two and have known each other six months. ["Hey! I was twenty-two when I got married. I didn't do it in bowling shoes, though." -- Wing Chun] Ed tells them not to do this. He advises them to get married because they love each other and can't live without each other and want to grow old together...not because Ari bowled a strike. Ari tells Ed he's forgetting something...he bowled a strike. Ed quickly realizes he's dealing with one of the village idiot's apprentices and just stares at the kid. For comic relief, Kenny walks up and asks the happy couple whether they'll be needing a "chupah." Okay...I'm not exactly sure what the word was. It was a Yiddish term. It didn't make me laugh, but was supposed to send all the Jewish viewers into stitches.
In Carol's classroom, Carol is telling her class that they need a literary quote of the week. Nobody wants to help her. I was sitting at home on the edge of my seat, spouting off lines left and right. "Call me Ishmael!" "Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn!" "Heeeeeere's Johnny!" Carol obviously wasn't listening to me, and I think those last two were in the movies and not in the books, so I looked like a pretty big dumb-ass in the privacy of my own home. Finally, Carol asks Big Mark, the largest high-school student in history, for a literary quote. The kid is stumped, because the only thing he's ever read is the back of a McDonald's bag. Finally he says "Just Do It"? The bell conveniently rings, and Carol's left bemused. Warren walks up to her as the kids are leaving and asks to speak with her for a second. Warren opens up the conversation: "You know I'm a great lover...right?" Carol's taken aback, and Warren explains that she may not know personally, but maybe he's talked enough shit about himself to the student body that there's a slim chance some of his outrageous tales may have made it all the way into the teacher's lounge whilst shared over a cup of coffee and pastry. Anyway, there's this girl.... "Donna Tazzi?" Carol asks. "I've heard about you two," she says, solidifying Warren's dream that his sexual prowess is legendary. Warren goes on to explain that he had a window of opportunity to kiss Donna and he choked. Nothing happened, even though he's led half of Stuckeyville to believe that he managed to tongue her ovaries using an ancient Chinese secret. Nope...no smooching...just talking. When it was time to kiss, she dusted him. Now he doesn't know how to get his groove back on with the Donster. Carol tells him that maybe the shoe's on the other foot; did Warren ever stop to think that maybe Donna thought the window closed on her?! This gives Warren enough hope to not stop by the local pharmacy for a Darvon and razor blade cocktail, and he thanks Carol for her advice.
In Ed's office, this big guy walks in. He's not just big...he's fat. He's not just fat...he's like a whale in a sweat suit. His name is Jamie Masters, and he needs Ed to help him out. He offers Ed a Twizzler; Ed says he's good. He needs a restraining order against his brother, because he's ruining Jamie's life. Jamie points out that he's a fat guy; Ed agrees. He's tried all the diets, but none of them worked. His doctor said he's one burrito away from exploding. Ed asks, "He said that?!?" and Jamie says, "No, I'm just being colorful, here." A little too colorful, Jamers. So he knew he had to lose weight, or he'd die. He then enlisted the help of his brother and gave him carte blanche to do whatever it took to help Jamie lose thirty pounds. Jamie told him that no matter how much he begged, he wanted his brother to keep forcing him to lose weight. But now the problem has gotten out of hand. It started with a polite reminder. Then...oh my God...he followed Jamie to the bowling alley with a baseball bat. The action goes out to the parking lot, where the brother begins smashing Jamie's brand-new Taurus with the baseball bat, telling him, "Too little, too late, Tubby!!" while beating every window out of the car. Ed stands back and admits he has a very interesting job.
More commercials. Wow...Julie (Carol) Bowen was in Happy Gilmore. She's about as attractive as my mother in that flick. ["That was really bad hair she had then." -- Wing Chun]
At a construction site, Ed's chasing down a guy. I bet this is how a lot of gay porn films start. Anyway, the guy is Steve, Jamie's brother, the auto abuser. Ed introduces himself as Jamie's attorney; Steve wants to know why Jamie needs an attorney. Ed explains that when you beat the living shit out of somebody's car, it's usually a pretty good sign that the car owner is going to want to sue your ass. Steve explains that either his brother loses weight or he's going to die, and no brother of his is going to die on his watch. Steve reiterates what Jamie has already said -- that Jamie made him promise to do whatever's necessary to keep him away from Twinkies. Ed says it's illegal to do the things he's doing. Steve then drops a legal bombshell: Jamie had a contract written up that they both signed, stating all of the above. The contract remains valid even if Jamie changes his mind. As Warren Cheswick would say, "Whoaaa!"
Back in Carol's class, Carol is picking on Mark again, telling him that Jim Morrisson was not a great poet and that "Riders On The Storm" doesn't qualify as a great poem. I've never felt closer to Carol than right now. The bell rings again, and Warren hauls ass into the hallway, where he hooks up with Donna. He nervously gets around to almost asking her out when Jessica walks up. Jessica is the hot cheerleader that Warren used to get naked and slap his weasel around for in the privacy of his own bedroom. So when Jess walks up, Donna immediately falls to second string while Warren focuses all his attention on Jessica. I'm no Lothario, but methinks Warren perhaps needs to get his little duckies in a neater row when hitting on plain chicks that aren't cheerleaders. Warren is babbling on and on to Jessica about how he's discovered all the great questions in life like "Who are you?" (Answer: I'm Warren Cheswick), while Jess stands there and sucks it all in like a five-dollar prostitute. She finally excuses herself, and Warren turns back to Donna, but...CURSES! Elvis has left the building. It seems Donna doesn't like being treated like a piece of week-old meatloaf. Fat Mark chortles and informs Warren that the "window of opportunity" is now closed. Warren realizes he's a penis and seems to be content with the fact.
Back in court, the judge asks to hear Jamie's reasons for seeking a restraining order. Jamie agrees and begins reading a detailed list of all the things his brother has done to him. On January 10th, he ate a Pop-Tart, and his brother flushed his best dress socks down the toilet. On January 16th, he ate a slice of pizza, and Steve spray-painted the words "Captain Tubby" on his front door. January 21st, Jamie ate a few too many individual servings of pudding, and Steve burned his entire collection of Jack London first editions. February 3rd, Jamie took one bite out of a pound cake (swear to God, your honor), and Steve called the guy who sits in the cubicle to Jamie, imitated Jamie's voice, and asked the guy out on a date. The judge has heard enough. He issues a restraining order. Jamie thanks him and wants a hug from Ed. "Hug the fat guy," Jamie says. Ed hesitates, and then lets himself be hugged by the fat guy.
Walking down the street, Carol wants to know how the wedding plans are going. Ed says they're going all right, but he really wishes these two would wait. Carol wants to know when Ed gave up on the concept of spontaniety in love. Gee, Carol...Uncle Bob here...but I would think it was right around the time you shunned the shit out of him every time he tried to woo you with some crazy hare-brained scheme. Ed just wants them to wait, and not to make the same mistake he made with his wife. Carol asks how Ed and his wife met. They were set up by an old friend; it was love at first sight, and they got engaged four months later. Years later, they knew they hadn't done the right thing. Ed drives the subject into the ground when he hears Jamie call his name. Jamie's getting a mid-mid-mid-afternoon snack at the Stuckeyville Hot Dog Cart. Ed introduces Carol to Jamie, and Jamie draws a mental image of Carol smothered in rich gooey chocolate with sprinkles on top. Jamie thanks Ed for giving him his life back. There comes a time when you have to realize that you are who you are. He's overweight and he's happy that way. Just then, we hear a loudspeaker saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the giant fat guy in the blue windbreaker. My God, would you look at that fat bastard eat! Does this look like the kinda guy that needs to be pounding down hot dogs? Eat you fat bastard...eat!"
Naturally, it's the voice of Steve. He's gone to the trouble of mounting speakers on his car to humiliate his brother further. Jamie hollers that he's abusing the restraining order, and Steve says, "Screw the restraining order!" Jamie gets huffy and almost hyperventilates, telling Ed that he is now going to sue his brother. He wants it all -- he wants to recoup the damages, he wants emotional damages, the works. Ed tells him he'll take care of it. Jamie tucks the hot dog into one of his chins for consumption later and storms off.
Back at the bowling alley, Phil is quizzing the young lovebirds to make sure they're fully prepared for the big day. He whether they've had their blood tests yet. They say that they plan on going to the clinic later that day. Phil, always the gentleman, says they can bypass the clinic and go see an old summer-camp buddy of his who works at a filling station and will fix them right up. Now that cracked me up. A greasy mechanic performing a blood test on these kids...that's comedy, kids. Ed and Carol walk up and say hi, Phil tells the kids to "beep [him]" about the blood test. Ari tells Ed and Carol that they've come up with the best idea: they're going to have Colonel Sanders be Ari's best man. Carol asks, "Isn't he dead?" and Ari says, "No. You're thinking of Arthur Treacher." That's two shining examples in a row of why Ed is such a great show: the blood-testing mechanic and the dumb kid who thinks Colonel Sanders will accompany him to the altar.
In his office, Ed says he doesn't think he can go through this and have anything to do with this wedding. Ed then goes on and on about how dumb this whole thing is and that the kids should wait. Jesus, Ed...we get it. You've now given exactly the same speech about four times in this episode already. The kids aren't taking the act of marriage as seriously as you would like. 10-4, you smarmy bastard. WE GET IT. Carol says that Ed's missing the point. The point is that it's not a bad thing to want Colonel Sanders at your wedding. It's a bad thing if only one of you wants the Colonel at your wedding. Phil struts in, saying that the kids got to him. He let down his guard and they nabbed him. He's agreed to take care of the catering free of charge. And if either one of them repeats that, he will get them. There are people in this town that must believe that Phil Stubbs is a "soulless merchant of fear." Ed snickers, but Phil flashes that soulless merchant of fear look. Ed's chuckles taper off when he realizes that Phil's serious.
In the hallway at school, Warren catches up to Donna and proceeds to ask her out; it takes him about thirty minutes to cough it up. She agrees to go out with him, and he confirms that she understands that when he says "go out," he means on a date, not just going out as friends. She's clear on that. He says that Mark said that his "window" was closed, but he's glad to find out it's not. She says she'll see him Saturday night, and walks away. Warren is so giddy, he walks away in the wrong direction.
Commercials. Oh! A live surprise! Some lady gave up her son thirty-three years ago for adoption and she's about to see him for the first time at an airport! Here's the big surprise...her son now has a child of his own! Mother sheds tears, son looks uncomfortable, baby looks bored.
Back in court, Steve is being charged with violating his restraining order. Steve says that Jamie signed the contract, and that no matter how much he protests, Jamie wanted Steve to keep pushing him. Jamie knew that his will would weaken and that he would need Steve to stay on his fat ass. Ed says that even though he signed the contract, Jamie never thought Steve would go this far. Public humiliation, destruction of property...surely there must be a law preventing these types of actions. The judge says they'll start the trial tomorrow in the case of The Fat Guy vs. His Brother.
In the Stuckeyville Pharmacy, Warren, Mark, and Gavin are doing some shopping for Warren's big date that evening. Warren's debating over shaving gels when Mark throws a box of condoms into his basket. Warren freaks out and tells Mark that there's no need for condoms; they're only going to the movies. Mark doesn't listen, and reminds Warren that these are the condoms that actor Jeff Goldblum uses...he read it himself in Esquire. Jeff Goldblum. The guy's got a fairly large nose, big feet...something tells me that Warren couldn't fill Jeff Goldblum's condoms. Call it a hunch. Warren takes the basket to the counter, and the lady pulls out all the items and lines them up on the counter, including the condoms. She looks at them, grabs the store microphone, and says "I need a price check over here..." Warren practically swallows his tongue, saying "No! NO!" Then the lady finishes her sentence: "How much is the Ultra-Gel Shaving Gel?" Once again, Mark gets a big kick out of Warren's misfortunes. Y'know...for a big-assed virgin, Mark sure is tallying up the chuckles at Warren's expense. Yo, Marko Polo...until you reach the day where you can even find your pecker buried in that soft mountain of crotch flesh, I'd lay off the Ches. He's obviously getting more pseudo-tail than your fat ass could hope for right now.
At the construction site, Ed and Jamie track down Steve and his lawyer. Ed says that Jamie wants to settle the case. Ed tells Steve there's no way he'll win this in court. There's no way the judge will uphold the contract. Steve tells Jamie that he's right...he won't win in court. But he's bought a little insurance policy. He's bought thirty minutes of air time during the local news tomorrow night. If Captain Tubby doesn't drop the case and let Steve continue to help him lose weight, there's going to be one sweet little commercial airing during the news the evening.
Jamie and Ed go back to Ed's office to watch the video. The video has been shot outside Jamie's house, peering through a window, where Jamie is sitting in his underwear in front of the TV, polishing off a tray of buffalo wings. The soundtrack to the commercial is simple: it's Steve saying, "This is Jamie Masters. If you see him on the street, call him a fat pig. Thank you." Jamie freaks out and says if this runs on TV, he'll be the laughingstock of Stuckeyville. Duh, Jamie. Ed tells Jamie not to worry about it -- that this is blackmail, and that they will deal with it in court. Jamie reaches into his rolls of fat in hopes of locating a stray chicken wing or éclair to help calm his nerves, but to no avail.
In the alley, Phil's asking the young couple about party favors for the guests or knickknacks to take home. Phil's cousin is an engraver, a true artist. He once carved the bride's initials into a cocker spaniel's ass. The man's a genius, and Phil agrees with himself to give the guy a holler. Ed walks up to the couple and says he's got some bad news: Colonel Sanders can't be their best man because he died in 1980, but they did get a coupon for some free honey BBQ wings! Ed says he doesn't want to sound like a broken record, but he doesn't think they're ready for marriage. Barbara says she doesn't want to wait until the magic passes. Ari says that if Ed doesn't want them to get married in the alley, he should just say so, and they'll find somewhere else. Ed says that's not it, and Carol interupts, saying this is going to be the best bowling alley wedding ever. The kids are happy and go off to neck. Ed and Carol discuss the subject using exactly the same dialogue that they've used the entire damned show. Ed thinks they need to wait, Carol thinks it's romantic. Jeezum Crow! Talk about beating you in the head with the same frickin' crap over and over and over again. This insane crap makes me want to punch my TV screen, but I've got a pretty big fear of pain brought on by sheer stupidity.
More commercials. My God, this show is dragging. Even the commercials are sucking.
Back in court, Ed asks Steve his state of mind when Jamie brought him the contract to him. Steve says he was upset; he had been trying to lose weight unsuccessfully for years, even using Jared's diet from Subway. Nothing ever worked for the fat bastard. He came to Steve asking him for help, so Steve helped him. Ed asks whether "helping him" means smashing his car up, following him around town with a loudspeaker, or videotaping him shirtless and eating in the privacy of his own home and threatening to put it on the local news...is all that helping the fat bastard? Not those things exactly. Ed says that when Jamie came to him for help, he had no idea any of this stuff was going to happen to him. Steve's lawyer asks whether Steve did all those things to his brother, and Steve says he did. Because his cholesterol is up and he's a borderline diabetic. If he keeps eating like this, he's going to die. The judge agrees that Steve cares about his brother, but that his actions aren't within the law. He tells Steve to lay off the fat bastard, and nobody pays anybody anything because brothers shouldn't have to, blah blah blah. Basically, Jamie can keep eating until his eyes bulge out and Steve has to stand idly by and watch his brother become a circus sideshow attraction.
We finally make it to Warren and Donna's big date, at the theater, waiting in line for popcorn. Warren is as nervous as Robert Downey Jr. in a courtroom. Donna tells Warren that he doesn't have to be nervous around her, which is like telling Louis Farrakhan he doesn't have to be black. It comes time for him to order the popcorn, and he screws even that up, communicating horribly with the concession guy stand who's just trying to save our young Warren a few bucks on different popcorn sizes. Donna and Warren get their popcorn and walk to an escalator to take them to the theater. As the escalator takes them up, Donna tells Warren that she thinks Jessica likes him. Warren pops a boner right there and then, asking, "Really?! Pshaw...she doesn't like me." Donna insists, telling Warren she's seen how Jessica looks at him. Warren says that's all well and good, but he's not with Jessica right now, he's with her. This makes Donna all warm and fuzzy and she holds Warren's hand. Warren's balls begin to tingle ever so slightly. Warren feels bold and begins saying how a woman is like a flower, you have to feed her and water her and ARRRRRRRGH! Warren gets his foot caught in the escalator and falls to the ground, throwing popcorn everywhere. The alarm system goes off, the escalator automatically shuts off, and people start stepping over Warren so they don't miss the coming attractions in their respective theaters. Warren tells Donna to tell the manager to turn off the escalator. Donna tells Warren not to go anywhere. I snicker to myself at what a loser this guy is.
At the alley, the wedding has begun when we hear, "Hold on! Hold on!" Ed shows up dressed as Colonel Sanders, saying you can't have a wedding without a best man. He leans over to the couple and says, "If you two screw this marriage up, I'll have to hunt you down and kill you." Barbara says, "We won't," and Ed says he knows they won't.
Warren walks Donna to her front door, and she says she had a great time. He says, "I did too. Any date that involves the Jaws of Life can't be all that bad. Unless you were in a car accident." Donna asks why he never kissed her on the hill weeks ago, and he says that he was looking for a signal...any signal. Donna says, "You just needed a signal?" Warren starts babbling about windows of opportunity closing as Donna slowly moves closer to him. He's still chattering nervously as she tells him to stop talking, leans in, and gives Warren his first adult kiss. They stop; she says, "Goodnight" and goes inside. Warren stands there for a second and begins to walk away slowly, this time with a little bit of confidence in his step. Tony Bennett starts singing "Call Me Irresponsible" as our musical montage of the week begins.
Back at the alley, the wedding concludes and balloons drop out of the ceiling. The bride tosses her garter and Kenny catches it, like the jungle stud we always knew he could be. Mike gives a toast to the happy couple, and then smears cake all over his face. Ed is laughing uproariously and hands Mike a $10 bill. Ed gives the young couple his lucky ball and they act like it's a deed to some prme real estate. Phil is serving people at the Manwich bar and everyone is dancing in the alley. Ed and Carol are dancing and they look at the young lovers and then at each other with -- dare I say it? -- sparks in their eyes.
The montage ends, and we're now at the alley after everyone's left, save for Carol and Ed. Carol seems giddy from champagne and is saying that she thinks they need to throw more marriages at the bowling alley. Ed doesn't think so. He's kinda lightened up on the whole wedding situation now that it's over, and Carol asks if he's starting to believe in fate. He says he's always believed in fate. Then, to prove it, he picks up a ball and says, "If I bowl a strike, I'm asking you to marry me." Carol moves to the edge of her seat. Ed rolls the ball and knocks down seven pins, thus leaving three. Carol looks dejected and happy at the same time. Ed walks back and grabs another ball, and saying that if he rolls a spare, he gets one night of unbridled lovemaking. He rolls the ball and gets a spare. Carol tells him to dream on, and they start fighting playfully. Ed says that it was fate that he rolled that spare, and that they have to have sex. He doesn't want to have sex, but you don't "mess with the pin Gods" in these kinds of situations. Carol's refusing, and Ed's saying she can't refuse as the show ends.
A rather dull episode. The court case was stupid and meandering; the wedding subplot had a few moments, but was bogged down by Ed's continual rants about how wrong it was. Warren finally got kissed, so at least his character may start moving in a different direction and with three episodes left, NBC is hinting that Carol and Ed may finally do it doggy-style with mirrors on the ceiling.
Or something like that.