“ Ed looks like this is some kinda joke that he's not in on. It's basically the same face I wear when I watch ABC's Friday night line-up. ”
No time for yuks a-plenty...let's kick this recap Warren Cheswick-style and get it underway.
The show opens with Mike, Nancy, evil baby Sara, and Carol sitting in a booth at Stuckey Bowl. Ed walks up with his hands behind his back and a look on his face like Satan has taken up habitat in his jockeys. "Mike," Ed leers. "Guess what I've got behind my back?" Mike thinks for a second and guesses, "Jell-O?" Ed's more excited than a puppy in a roomful of fire hydrants, and brings his hands out in front of him: it's the ugliest bowling ball you'll ever lay your hands on. Yet, Ed calls it his "lucky" bowling ball. Mike refers to it as his "fruity" bowling ball. Ed had been searching all around Stuckey Bowl for this ball ever since he bought the joint, and has finally found it. Mike says it's a woman's bowling ball -- not because it's pink, but because it has the name "Fran Jesperson" engraved on it. Ed points out that they decided a long time ago that the name "Fran" was gender ambiguous. Maybe it is. But personally, I'd have to be pretty damned drunk to name my little boy "Fran."
All of a sudden, applause breaks out in the alley, and the table's inhabitants get up to see the reason for the ruckus. Phil explains that a young man has just told his girlfriend that if he bowls a strike on his ball, he's going to ask her to marry him. Carol finds this terribly romantic (yet...when Ed tried to use a skywriter to write his love for her in the sky, she found that stupid...go figure) and tells Ed that he should let the kid use Ed's lucky ball for "lady luck." Mike chimes in, "Emphasis on the word 'lady,'" like a real friend. Ed approaches the kid and offers him the use of his hideously ugly lucky ball. The kid agrees to use it, and bowls a strike. His girlfriend gasps like Satan has taken up habitat in her jockeys. Everyone applauds, he asks the girl to marry him and she says "yes." Ed looks like this is some kinda joke that he's not in on. It's basically the same face I wear when I watch ABC's Friday night line-up.
Commercials. Guess what? Some ugly little British lady swears up and down that I am The Weakest Link. I assume she means I'm the weakest link at MBTV. I assume she's reached this assumption after seeing the pitiful response Ed gets on the boards. I'm so humiliated. ["Yeah, y'all -- go post if you don't want Ed to go the way of Third Watch and NYPD Blue." -- Wing Chun]
Back to the show, everyone is congratulating Ari and Barbara on their new engagement. "Ed, we want to get married here in Stuckey Bowl on Saturday night, and everyone's invited," Ari says, to more whooping and hollering. Ed reluctantly agrees. It bothers the hell out of him that these kids are getting married because the guy bowled a strike. Carol still finds it romantic, but it's eating away at Ed like a parasite.
Windows of Opportunity
“ Gavin chimes in with the fact that he saw a show on HBO once where a woman had a ninety-minute orgasm. I had no idea my wife had a show on HBO. ”
Out in the streets, Warren, Mark, and Gavin are walking down Stuckey Avenue. Warren's talking smack about how to handle a woman, since he's actually been on a date with Donna now and thinks he's Stuckeyville's answer to Dr. Drew. Mark says he's full of crap. Warren says that jealousy doesn't suit Mark. Mark thinks he didn't lay his hands on her. Warren says he's too much of a gentleman to say whether or not he got any nookie, which automatically means he didn't. Gavin chimes in with the fact that he saw a show on HBO once where a woman had a ninety-minute orgasm. I had no idea my wife had a show on HBO. All of a sudden, Donna and a friend come bursting out of a store and walk up to the Geek Patrol. Warren tells his buddies to be cool, As Donna gets near, Warren says, "Heyyyyy, Donna." She just totally blows him off with a "hi" and keeps going. Mark busts a gut (which is a scary thought, considering this kid must weigh four hundred pounds easily) and tells Warren that she must still be shuddering from his touch. Warren's pissed. If there's a machine gun and a clock tower nearby, this whole episode might get pretty gory any second now.
Back at the alley, Ari gives Ed his shoes to keep in a safe place until Saturday when...oh holy shit...this kid's getting married in bowling shoes. Jeezum! Can't the kids of Stuckeyville discover sex and drugs like the rest of America's teens and get over this whole bowling fad thing? Ed says, "So you two are really going through with this, huh?" Ari says he bowled a strike, and that was fate, and "you can't turn your back on fate." They're twenty-two and have known each other six months. ["Hey! I was twenty-two when I got married. I didn't do it in bowling shoes, though." -- Wing Chun] Ed tells them not to do this. He advises them to get married because they love each other and can't live without each other and want to grow old together...not because Ari bowled a strike. Ari tells Ed he's forgetting something...he bowled a strike. Ed quickly realizes he's dealing with one of the village idiot's apprentices and just stares at the kid. For comic relief, Kenny walks up and asks the happy couple whether they'll be needing a "chupah." Okay...I'm not exactly sure what the word was. It was a Yiddish term. It didn't make me laugh, but was supposed to send all the Jewish viewers into stitches.
In Carol's classroom, Carol is telling her class that they need a literary quote of the week. Nobody wants to help her. I was sitting at home on the edge of my seat, spouting off lines left and right. "Call me Ishmael!" "Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn!" "Heeeeeere's Johnny!" Carol obviously wasn't listening to me, and I think those last two were in the movies and not in the books, so I looked like a pretty big dumb-ass in the privacy of my own home. Finally, Carol asks Big Mark, the largest high-school student in history, for a literary quote. The kid is stumped, because the only thing he's ever read is the back of a McDonald's bag. Finally he says "Just Do It"? The bell conveniently rings, and Carol's left bemused. Warren walks up to her as the kids are leaving and asks to speak with her for a second. Warren opens up the conversation: "You know I'm a great lover...right?" Carol's taken aback, and Warren explains that she may not know personally, but maybe he's talked enough shit about himself to the student body that there's a slim chance some of his outrageous tales may have made it all the way into the teacher's lounge whilst shared over a cup of coffee and pastry. Anyway, there's this girl.... "Donna Tazzi?" Carol asks. "I've heard about you two," she says, solidifying Warren's dream that his sexual prowess is legendary. Warren goes on to explain that he had a window of opportunity to kiss Donna and he choked. Nothing happened, even though he's led half of Stuckeyville to believe that he managed to tongue her ovaries using an ancient Chinese secret. Nope...no smooching...just talking. When it was time to kiss, she dusted him. Now he doesn't know how to get his groove back on with the Donster. Carol tells him that maybe the shoe's on the other foot; did Warren ever stop to think that maybe Donna thought the window closed on her?! This gives Warren enough hope to not stop by the local pharmacy for a Darvon and razor blade cocktail, and he thanks Carol for her advice.
In Ed's office, this big guy walks in. He's not just big...he's fat. He's not just fat...he's like a whale in a sweat suit. His name is Jamie Masters, and he needs Ed to help him out. He offers Ed a Twizzler; Ed says he's good. He needs a restraining order against his brother, because he's ruining Jamie's life. Jamie points out that he's a fat guy; Ed agrees. He's tried all the diets, but none of them worked. His doctor said he's one burrito away from exploding. Ed asks, "He said that?!?" and Jamie says, "No, I'm just being colorful, here." A little too colorful, Jamers. So he knew he had to lose weight, or he'd die. He then enlisted the help of his brother and gave him carte blanche to do whatever it took to help Jamie lose thirty pounds. Jamie told him that no matter how much he begged, he wanted his brother to keep forcing him to lose weight. But now the problem has gotten out of hand. It started with a polite reminder. Then...oh my God...he followed Jamie to the bowling alley with a baseball bat. The action goes out to the parking lot, where the brother begins smashing Jamie's brand-new Taurus with the baseball bat, telling him, "Too little, too late, Tubby!!" while beating every window out of the car. Ed stands back and admits he has a very interesting job.
More commercials. Wow...Julie (Carol) Bowen was in Happy Gilmore. She's about as attractive as my mother in that flick. ["That was really bad hair she had then." -- Wing Chun]
At a construction site, Ed's chasing down a guy. I bet this is how a lot of gay porn films start. Anyway, the guy is Steve, Jamie's brother, the auto abuser. Ed introduces himself as Jamie's attorney; Steve wants to know why Jamie needs an attorney. Ed explains that when you beat the living shit out of somebody's car, it's usually a pretty good sign that the car owner is going to want to sue your ass. Steve explains that either his brother loses weight or he's going to die, and no brother of his is going to die on his watch. Steve reiterates what Jamie has already said -- that Jamie made him promise to do whatever's necessary to keep him away from Twinkies. Ed says it's illegal to do the things he's doing. Steve then drops a legal bombshell: Jamie had a contract written up that they both signed, stating all of the above. The contract remains valid even if Jamie changes his mind. As Warren Cheswick would say, "Whoaaa!"
Back in Carol's class, Carol is picking on Mark again, telling him that Jim Morrisson was not a great poet and that "Riders On The Storm" doesn't qualify as a great poem. I've never felt closer to Carol than right now. The bell rings again, and Warren hauls ass into the hallway, where he hooks up with Donna. He nervously gets around to almost asking her out when Jessica walks up. Jessica is the hot cheerleader that Warren used to get naked and slap his weasel around for in the privacy of his own bedroom. So when Jess walks up, Donna immediately falls to second string while Warren focuses all his attention on Jessica. I'm no Lothario, but methinks Warren perhaps needs to get his little duckies in a neater row when hitting on plain chicks that aren't cheerleaders. Warren is babbling on and on to Jessica about how he's discovered all the great questions in life like "Who are you?" (Answer: I'm Warren Cheswick), while Jess stands there and sucks it all in like a five-dollar prostitute. She finally excuses herself, and Warren turns back to Donna, but...CURSES! Elvis has left the building. It seems Donna doesn't like being treated like a piece of week-old meatloaf. Fat Mark chortles and informs Warren that the "window of opportunity" is now closed. Warren realizes he's a penis and seems to be content with the fact.