No stupid opener from me this week, because the episode speaks for itself.
We open in Mike and Nancy's kitchen / dining room as Ed has joined the cute couple for a delicious egg breakfast. Mike asks Nancy what she put in the eggs...liquid wood? Nancy finds this as amusing as a sharp blow to the shins with a crowbar and lets Mike know it. Mike says he's just trying to make a joke and wonders what's bugging his fair lady. Nancy's concerned about their nanny, Carmella. Mike tells Ed that Carmella is their "new" nanny and that she has a crush on him. That took place about five episodes ago...how can she still be "new"? Alas, the world of Ed spins on its own axis, defying all rules of time and space. Nancy says it's not the "crush on Mike" that's bothering her; it's the fact that they have Carmella taking care of their evil baby Sara, and they don't even know her. They don't know her values, her morals, who cuts her hair, and whether she's pro or con on the art of bikini waxes. Just then, the doorbell rings. If this were the real world, that'd freak my ass out, but it's sitcomland where it's no big deal to be talking about somebody and have them show up at the door. Ed says, "Speak of the devil." Mike says something way too fast that I couldn't catch, and then Ed says that if you say the devil's name three times in a row, he will then appear. Which explains why when you're in a television studio audience and holler "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" Jerry Springer suddenly appears from backstage. Coincidence?? I think not.
So Nancy ushers Carmella in and introduces her to Ed. Carmella couldn't give a shit about meeting Ed. She wants to know if Mike's enjoying his sausage patty. Mike says it's very tasty. Carmella says that patties are so much better than sausage links in a voice that sounds like she's in a Mexican porn film and her name is Senorita Sissy Snatch. Ed laughs out loud as Mike looks like he's sitting on a rusty nail.
Credits roll followed by commercials. Did you know that America Online kicks unholy ass? Me neither. But the shysters at AOL think their shit doesn't stink in the Internet provider wars.
Back at the alley, a woman walks in with one of the most hideous hairdos to ever grace a television screen since Jerry Seinfeld let that old Italian guy cut his hair. Ed's penis becomes engorged as he grins and welcomes Cara Christenson into the alley. They share a hug. As it turns out, Cara is an old girlfriend of Ed's from high school. She's married now and lives in Jaspertown. Ed shamefully explains that he's divorced and wears a scarlet "A" everywhere he goes. Phil walks up saying, "Bossco, I need an advance on my...Hellooooo," meaning he's turned on by this woman with a dead vulture on her head. Ed introduces Phil as the "Shoe Guy" and Phil greets Cara with the line, "It is an honor to finally meet the brave woman who deflowered young Edward." Ed seems slightly embarrassed and aroused by Phil's greeting.
Getting down to brass tacks, Cara is here because she wants legal advice. She thinks her husband George is cheating on her. It's only a hunch, but a strong hunch. Kinda like if Quasimodo started taking steroids...he'd be a strong hunch. Oh, bite me; that was funnier than ninety percent of this episode. Ed asks if she has proof of her husband's infidelity. She doesn't, BUT he cheated on her while they were engaged two years ago, and dammit, that should count for something! I stare at the woman's hairdo and determine that if I had been drunk enough to marry her, I would have been cheating on her with tree stumps by now. Cara has decided to test George's fidelity by hiring a woman named Selma, who's working as a temp at her office, to seduce her husband in a bar and see if he takes the bait, taking Selma back to her place for a little one-on-one scramble. Cara's question is, is hiring a woman to mess with your hubby's hormones legal or not. Ed says it's perfectly legal as long as they don't get naked and bust a move. Cara's hairdo begins speaking in tongues, which doesn't faze either of them.
Over at Stuckeyville High, Anne "Ben Stiller's Mother" Meara is conducting the school band. The music is horrible. It sounds like two cats mating in the dead of night. It sounds like a bus full of senior citizens going over a cliff. It sounds like Mariah Carey's last album. Horrible, I'm tellin' ya. But as bad as it sounds, there's Warren Cheswick, rocking out like it's nobody's business on his clarinet. Warren is easily the Eddie Van Halen of clarinet players. He's innovative and he jams like a peanut butter sandwich in a VCR. Meara tells the band to take five...all except for Warren. She wants Warren to keep jamming. It is only when the band stops and Warren solos that we find out just how bad he sucks. And sucketh he doeth. Meara tells Warren that you have to treat a clarinet like you would a woman. If you try too hard you can't make her sing. And if you don't try hard enough, she accuses you of cheating on her, goes back to her high school boyfriend and hires her office temps to try and wet your willie in a bar. Warren insists that he knows how to please a woman, which ranks right up there with George Bush's "No new taxes" speech as one of the all-time biggest lies told on television.
Carol waltzes in while the band is playing and waits until the band is dismissed. She approaches Meara and says that she's heard the music department is being shut down. Meara seems a bit down about it, but not suicidal "down." Her department is the least important and by getting rid of it, they won't have to compromise the rest of the "important" departments. Carol insists that she will talk to the school board and by God...Anne F'n Meara will always have a place in Stuckeyville High to teach her brand of torturous music to the tone-deaf students.
Back at Mike and Nancy's, Nancy comes home in the middle of the day to "check on Sara" when she's really spying on Carmella. She tells Carmella she wants to get to know her better. Carmella squirms in her Mexican seat and tells Nancy she wants to get to know Dr. Mike better and starts making those stupid "ROWWWRRR!!" sounds and rubbing her breasts. Nancy ignores this because it was just a figment of my imagination and proceeds to ask Carmella what her favorite movie is. Carmella answers with The Fletch because you never know what Chevy Chase is thinking in that wacky series of bumbling detective flicks. Nancy then asks who she voted for and Carmella says Bush because Gore's too stiff. She came to that rationalization through watching talk shows, which was a tip of the hat to executive producer Dave Letterman.
In a fine Stuckeyville bistro, Mike, Nancy, and Ed are having dinner. Mike is joking about Ed's first date with Cara, when he took her to a Jefferson Starship concert. Like THAT'S supposed to be something to snicker about today. Lemme tell you something, DR. MIKE...the Starship ROCKED, dude. They SHREDDED! They were the original ass-kickers, you lily-livered piece of toilet trash. Do NOT mock the Starship, you hairy bastard! Ed wonders aloud what's wrong with the Starship and Mike says nothing, then breaks into the chorus of the rock-and-roll anthem "We Built This City." Ed smiles and sings a line or two. Nancy gets in the spirit and starts belting out the chorus, which leaves Ed and Mike staring at her like she just admitted a sexual fantasy involving an albino leper. Nancy just needs to butt out of the Ed and Mike relationship and allow them to have their little latent homosexual dinners together. Mike says he heard about what Cara's doing to entrap her husband and Ed says it's a bad idea. Nancy says it's a great idea -- testing people. She decides she's going to test Carmella to see if she's a decent nanny. Lemme see...the nanny wants to boink the daddy. Test over. You fail, Carmie. Ed comes up with this week's TEN DOLLAR BET and bets Mike that he won't finish his meal with his shirt off. Mike hesitates because more than likely this restaurant is one of those stuffy corporate beeyotches that frown on patrons not wearing shirts or shoes. Ed coaxes him by saying, "TEN DOLLARS, MIKE."
Cara walks in while the shenanigans are in high gear and needs to talk to Ed. Nancy jumps up to hug Cara and I SWEAR Cara blows her off like a Jehovah's Witness. Nancy says, "It's so good to see you," and Cara says, "Yeah, you too." Probably the most unintentionally funny scene in the whole episode. Anyway...Cara is having second thoughts about setting her husband up with a hot little sex vixen and wants to call it all off. Ed says that's a good idea. Cara wants to get to the bar and grab Selma before she sinks her claws into George, and asks Ed to come with her. Ed agrees because he's afraid that if he doesn't agree, Cara's hair will climb down off of her head and attack him. Ed and Cara turn to leave, and there's Mike, shirtless at the table, sporting one of the most gawdawful ugly farmer tans you'll ever see. Tan arms...pale body. Mike orders a Fresca. This is supposed to be funny, how??
George is sitting at the local bar, drowning his sorrows in a Michelob Light when this hot-assed blonde saunters up to him saying she's supposed to meet a friend but she's late. The blonde (Selma) flirts with him a bit and they start giggling like dirty little school kids. Cara and Ed walk in and catch George feeding Selma a cherry and both of them laughing the laugh of the "About-To-Be-Laid." Cara is extremely disappointed that her husband's acting like a trained monkey with the temp from her office and storms out. Ed stares at George and tries to understand his pain of being married to a woman whose hair looks like a Salvador Dalí painting. He has trouble mustering up the feelings and turns tail, leaving with Cara.
Commercials. Damnation...I didn't think I'd EVER see commercials again after those excruciatingly long fifteen minutes. Hey, guess what? McDonald's loves to see me smile. I had no idea. If they really wanna see me smile, they should try using ground beef in their hamburger patties. I'll be grinning like a fucking mental case if they take that giant leap.
Back to the show. The husky kid that Warren belittled last week is walking down the hallway when he's approached by Principal Gable, played by Letterman's announcer Alan Kalter. Gable asks if it's true that Husky Boy poured an orange drink in another kid's locker. Husker Du says it is true and hangs his head in shame. Gable says, "It takes a weak man to seek thrills in the misery of others. You're a weak man, kid...a weak, WEAK man." The kid is very ashamed at this point. Gable tells him to stay out of trouble or time he's going to put the smack down on him. Carol walks up to Gable and Gable says, "What can I do you for?" Gable says he likes saying that instead of "What can I do for you?" because it's jazzier. Carol says that Gable can't fire Anne Meara, and Gable says he has no choice: somebody has to go, and Anne Meara is only a special guest star on the episode and it doesn't seem fit to do away with some other teacher's class when they could eventually snag a recurring role on the show. He tells her that ten years ago, there was a budget cutback and he did the same thing and every teacher wanted his head on a stick, which is a frightening mental image if you think about it. Carol asks what if she can get all the other teachers to compromise and Gable tells her, "Good luck sister!" and then walks away chuckling madly. This guy would make an AWESOME mad scientist if mad scientist movies were still being made. Sadly...this is no longer the 1940s.
At the alley, Ed's sitting at a booth looking over some legal mumbo jumbo when Shirley walks up. One of Shirley's goals as his assistant is to keep Ed's coffee cup filled. Except she takes about twenty minutes to explain what I just told you in a sentence. Ed thinks this is wonderful and Shirley begins to pour and says, "Say when." Ed says, "That's good," and Shirley is a mite flustered. "It's funnier when you say 'when'," she instructs Ed. Ed wonders to himself what in God's name ever made him retain her services when he first bought the alley. Cara walks up and tells Ed that she wants a divorce and wants Ed to be her lawyer. Ed asks how bad was the night and she says pretty bad: her husband went home with Selma and slept with her. When Selma told Cara this, Cara was too upset to ask any more and didn't give her a chance to explain. Ed says he'll file for a divorce that day and Cara hands him something to read. It's a pre-nuptial that states that if George ever sleeps around on Cara, he will give her $100,000. Wow. I guess if I were Cara, I'd be tempting the goofy bastard with hot blondes from the office too. Cara insists that she didn't do any of this for the money; she just wants George to pay for cheating on her. And she means "pay" as in "churn out a check for a hundred grand, dude."
Over at Mike and Nancy's, the happy couple are quietly arguing at the dinner table while Carmella prepares something behind them. Mike is saying, "I won't do it" over and over again. My guess is Nancy wants him to strip naked and hang Christmas ornaments off his testes while singing "I'm A Little Teapot" ad nauseam. Carmella brings one of her famous bundt cakes over to the table and the happy couple digs in. Mike pretends he's choking on the bundt cake, which forces Carmella to spring into action like she's the Bionic Woman. She lifts Mike up and applies the Heimlich Maneuver to him, causing him to spit out a half-chewed, soggy piece of bundt cake. Ahhhhh!! It was a TEST to see if Carmella knows the Heimlich. Youuuu so sneaky, Meesus Burrrton. So now Carmella has passed the oral part of the exam. Heh. "Oral part." You see, he was choking and that's oral, see...and...awwww...forget it.
Ed, Cara, and Cara's hair are sitting in Ed's office when George and his lawyer walk in. George is a little peeved because he hasn't heard from Cara in a while. Ed explains that Cara wants a divorced based on George's infidelity, and she'd like to collect on that there pre-nup thing as well. George asks what the hell's going on, and Cara explains that she knows George was out knockin' boots with Selma because she hired Selma to test his fidelity. When George's lawyer hears this, he bursts out laughing like something funny might have actually happened in this episode already, and says she can forget about the pre-nuptial because she's basically a pimp with a fucked-up hairdo. Cara realizes that she may have screwed up as her husband stares at her and then leaves.
Thank God. Commercials. Lemme tell you Hollywood directors something: if the best clip you can show from your movie is a picture of Ashley Judd jumping around her bedroom in her skimpy underwear like a cheerleader on fire...you've just put a pretty shitty movie in the can, amigo.
Back in the alley, Ed is grilling Selma on her tryst with George. She says the offer sounded exciting, kind of like "Temptation Planet." She knew she wasn't supposed to sleep with George, she just kinda got swept up in the moment. And before she knew it, she was tugging on Mr. Chubby and begging for a Bolivian sperm bath. Ed's ticked that this airhead screwed up his old girlfriend's marriage and is having trouble keeping his anger in check. He asks on a scale of one to ten, how hard was it to seduce George. She asks if she can say, "Zero." He says she can. She thinks for a second and says, "Two."
At school, Carol is asking the other teachers to compromise to save Anne Meara's job. Carol is giving up her annual field trip to the renaissance faire. Who else wants to give up extra-curricular activities? She asks the French teacher if it's necessary to give each of her students authentic French berets at the beginning of the school year. The French teacher wisely says nothing, knowing that berets are not just a fashion statement; they're a way of LIFE, Carol Vessey. Carol goes off on this long story about how much Anne Meara has meant to her over the years. Carol first met her when she was thirteen, and when she had a bad day, Anne Meara took her to the pie shop and talked to her about it. THAT, my friends, is the sign of a good music teacher who doesn't deserve to be shitcanned. "Those berets are in my contract," the French teacher says.
In the courtroom, Ed's got Cara and her magically hideous hair on the stand. Ed wants to know about the first time she caught George cheating on her. Cara and George were engaged. She and a friend had gone out to eat and she looked across the room and saw George HOLDING HANDS with another woman. All right, correct me if I'm wrong here, but does holding hands constitute cheating? Because if so, I've got some 'splainin' to do Loocey. George begged Cara to take him back and that's when he swore it would never happen again and he drew up the pre-nup. Ed asks her if she wishes that Selma the airhead had never slept with George and she says, "Yes." Ed has nothing further. Nothing. Zilch. He's bone dry in the further department. George's lawyer asks Cara why, if she cares nothing about the hundred grand, is she here? She says because George cheated on her and it's the principle of the thing. The lawyer counters with, "You have principles when it comes to the money, but not when it comes to scheming behind your husband's back, is that fair to say?" Ed objects, but damn...I think Mr. Mean Lawyer has a point here. He asks her if she's familiar with the term "entrapment." She says she's heard of the term. He then asks if there's some part of her that feels like she brought all this on herself. Ed objects, but the judge wants to hear her answer. She thinks for a second and says, "Yes, but..." and the lawyer says, "Nothingfurtheryerhonor" before she can explain herself. Damn. This guy's good. They should give him a show that's on right after Ed called Al or whatever the hell the guy's name is.
At the alley snack bar, Carol's telling Anne Meara that she gave it her best shot in saving her job, and that the gym coach will be cutting back twenty percent on dodgeballs. Ed walks in, quietly sporting a copy of Cara's hairdo. Anne Meara says that when Ed was in her class playing French horn, she knew that someday he'd be a lawyer who owned a bowling alley. Ed says, "Is that right?" like Anne Meara's a phone psychic all of a sudden. Anne finishes with, "Or a doctor. Or an astronaut. Or a proctologist with cold fingers. ANYTHING but a professional French horn player." Everyone has a chuckle at poor talentless Ed's expense. They all sit and bemoan Anne Meara's fate until Phil walks up and says, "Hellooo??" and asks what's wrong with everyone. They're trying to save the music department, right? Right. Haven't they seen Mr. Holland's Opus? Yes they have. So put on a big music concert, that's how you save the music and get things done...Helloooo? Carol says that's probably how it works in the movies, but not in Stuckeyville. Phil says, "Earth to Carol...Helloooo?" Ed asks Phil to quit saying "Helloooo."
Back in court, George's lawyer asks him if he ever cheated on his wife while they were married other than this one time. No he has not. George describes what happened when Selma seduced him. He knows he should have, but he couldn't walk away...all of a sudden, his life became a Playboy video. His days of hitting on women were over and he wouldn't have gone home with the woman if Cara hadn't set him up like this. Ed's turn. Ed asks if he promised to never cheat on his wife. George says, "Yes." Ed asks if he cheated on his wife. George says, "Yes." Ed asks if anyone put a gun to his head to cheat. George says, "No." Ed asks if there were marionette strings attached to his body forcing him to cheat on his wife. George says no. Ed asks if he was hypnotized into cheating on his wife. George thinks for a second and says, "No." Ed asks if he was blackmailed into cheating on his wife. FINALLY, George's lawyer wakes up from his power nap, sees his client being brutally deconstructed on the stand, and objects. Ed tells George he had two options: he could have cheated or walked away. Which option did he take? George cheated. Nothing further.
In the pie shop, Ed walks in and sees Mike and Nancy. Nancy wants Ed to go to the house and see if Carmella will let him take Sara away with him as a test. Ed tells Nancy she's insane. Warren the Love God walks up to bogart some mayonnaise and Nancy asks Warren if he's busy that afternoon. Everyone knows what's coming and groans.
Sitting in their car in the snow, Mike and Nancy watch Warren walk up to the front door of their home. Warren rings the bell and tells Carmella that he's there to pick up Sara to take her to a baby cotillion and if they don't hurry, she'll miss Army Archerd. Carmella is confused which means everything's normal. Warren starts speaking Spanish to her, seducing her with phrases like, "If you let me inside, I will take you on a journey of pleasure," and "Bite the forbidden apple, Carmella. You will find it sweet." Carmella starts imagining ravaging the Warren Machine. Mike's enjoying the show, but Nancy thinks they've gone to far and goes after Warren. Mike turns on the radio and sings along to "We Built This City."
Ed and Cara are walking out of the alley and Ed says it seems like they're going to win this case. Cara asks Ed if he went nuts in the court today when he started attacking George like a tornado in a trailer park. Ed doesn't know what she means. Ed always thought he was a shark in the courtroom. Then he says he guesses he did. Cara's shocked he's taking such a personal interest in her case. Ed tells the story about how he found his wife poking the mailman. Cara can relate. Ed says as painful as it was, he's glad it happened because if not, he'd still be stuck in a shitty marriage. Because she did what she did, he's here. Cara's glad he's here, and she sticks her tongue down Ed's throat. She pulls back and says, "See you tomorrow," and leaves. Ed stares at her as she drives off.
Commercials. Renée Zellweger is Bridget Jones. I'm Uncle Bob. This is the Ed recap for Mighty Big TV. Just thought we'd get all that out in the open.
Ed's in his office when Shirley walks in with a pot of coffee. "Say when," she says as she pours his coffee. Ed waits a beat and says, "When." Shirley, stone-faced, says, "I told you it was funnier." Cara walks in and makes some small talk and says it's really been great having an old friend around. She goes to kiss him like it ain't nothin' but a thang and Ed doesn't advance to kiss her, leaving her hanging. "How embarrassing," Cara says in the understatement of the year. Hell, I was squirming in my chair after seeing that display of skankiness. Ed starts to apologize and she tells him not to. Ed suggests that she drop the case. He says if she wins, George will appeal and it will just go on for years. He tells her all she wants is revenge and this won't make her feel any better. "So what's the answer, Mr. Hot Shot Lawyer Who Can't Even Kiss Me, Is It My Hair, Is It My Hair?" she asks. He tells her that time is the answer. She needs to just put this whole damned marriage behind her and she'll feel better. She says okay. He thinks she's made the right decision. But she has one stipulation in doing this. She wants George to look her in the eye and tell her if he's been cheating all along. Ed says that George can lie when he answers that question -- what's it matter? Cara's hair explains that George has nothing to lose or gain by lying: he'll tell the truth.
Mike gets home to see Nancy sitting there. Nancy feels like a big jerk. This is odd, because it's usually Mike who feels like a big jerk. She says there's nothing wrong with Carmella. Mike points out that maybe Nancy feels threatened because Carmella is doing Nancy's job in raising the kid instead of Nancy staying home and raising her. Nancy says that Sara only grows up once, which is true. Mike asks her if she wants to stop working and she says maybe she does. Mike says that if she does, he and the baby will stand behind her. Nancy wonders how they'll make ends meet and Mike says twice a week he'll go downtown and sell his body. Nancy asks how they'll be able to make ends meet on thirty-eight cents a month. Hilarity ensues.
Ed and Carol are walking into the bowling alley. Carol says the Anne Meara thing is killing her. Anne Meara shows up and they wonder what she's doing there. She says Carol called and left her a message to come by the bowling alley. Carol didn't leave no stinkin' message. Something smells fishsticky in Denmark. The three walk into the alley followed by the president of the local school board and Principal Gable. Phil greets them all and gives a brief explanation of what's going on. Sixteen years ago, the music business and Dan Aykroyd got together and sang a song to help fight hunger in Africa. Tonight their spirit lives on in a tribute to Anne Meara, titled "We Are The Town." Phil turns on the lights and a bunch of Stuckeyville's finest are standing in the alleys grooving just like those people in the USA for Africa video. In my mind, the song will always be remembered for the lines, "We're all here to thank you for the music that we love, and the brains behind this whole idea was Philip Stubbs." Followed by a smirk of Phil's that ranks right up there with the best of 'em.
After the song, Carol reminds the president and Principal Gable just what Anne Meara means to this town and asks them to please reconsider tossing her into the streets where she'll become a rat person, living underground in the sewers, and living off the flesh of vermin. The president and Gable were both impressed by the little ditty, but still have to say "no" to keeping the old bag on. They leave and it's kinda glum around the alley at this point.
The day, Ed and Cara are waiting for George and his lawyer to show up. They walk in and George's lawyer makes everyone clear on the premise: Cara's going to ask George one question and when George answers it truthfully, show's over, Cara gets nothing but a ringless finger, and life goes on. Everyone agrees that this is the concept of the meeting. It's now Cara's turn to ask the question, and Cara leans into George's face and says slowly, "How's my hair?" Okay...not really. She asks, "Were you cheating on me throughout our marriage?" George has to give it some thought and finally says, "Yes." Cara's crushed, her hair's deflated, and she leaves the room. George and his lawyer get up from the table, counting those hundred dollar bills in their heads when Ed decides he wants to know the truth. DID George REALLY sleep around on Cara throughout their marriage? George says, "When I slept with that bar whore, I ruined our marriage. That's the only truth that matters now."
In the music classroom, the husky kid from earlier is struggling to play the trombone for Anne Meara. Anne asks him why he felt he had to vandalize that kid's locker. Husky is puzzled why he did it, but says he just felt like it. Anne Meara suggests they meet after school at the pie shop to talk about it. Chubbs wants to know if this is detention and Anne Meara swears it's not. Chunky Style leaves and Carol walks in. Carol lets Anne Meara know that her quest to save Anne's job is NOT, I repeat NOT, over. In fact, Carol's getting a petition together to save that job. Anne Meara tells her to save her writing skills. It's a wonderful gesture that Carol's trying to do, but it's not meant to be. She's nearing seventy years old and now's as good a time as ever to get the hell out of this stinking rat-trap of a school and go spread her wings like a three dollar whore. Carol finally decides to quit trying to save Anne Meara's job and asks if there's anything she can do for her. Anne Meara says there's one thing she can do...
We see Cara and Ed walking down the street, saying their goodbyes. Cara's going back to Jaspertown, roughly a stone's throw from Stuckeyville. They say goodbye and neither are too choked up over the absence of a boink fest between them for old time's sake. Ed then walks into Carol and they make the obligatory small talk. Carol's on her way to the pie shop and Ed says he'll join her. "No," Carol says, "I'm meeting someone." Cue Husky Boy walking up to the pie shop. Husky says he's supposed to meet Anne Meara at the pie shop, and they've already called in the second shift to help prepare his mid-afternoon snack of pie, pie, pie. Carol informs him that Anne Meara's out trying to salvage what's left of her dwindling career as a special guest star on shows and Carol will be taking her place. The show ends with Carol telling Husky that they have to figure some stuff out as they walk in the pie shop together. Y'see? Carol is taking Anne Meara's place as the cool teacher everyone will grow to love, and then eventually watch her get the proverbial boot in the ass when she hits seventy.
This show was wretched. Horrid. I love Ed but this was a painful waste of my time. The only redeeming quality is the "We Are The World" takeoff and that wasn't enough to save the show. I need more Phil, less Shirley, and give Kenny something to do other than to sing off-key. Hell...bring back Bonnie Hane, for chrissakes. Anything to keep from me having to sit through another gawdawful hour of pig piss like this again.