No stupid opener from me this week, because the episode speaks for itself.
We open in Mike and Nancy's kitchen / dining room as Ed has joined the cute couple for a delicious egg breakfast. Mike asks Nancy what she put in the eggs...liquid wood? Nancy finds this as amusing as a sharp blow to the shins with a crowbar and lets Mike know it. Mike says he's just trying to make a joke and wonders what's bugging his fair lady. Nancy's concerned about their nanny, Carmella. Mike tells Ed that Carmella is their "new" nanny and that she has a crush on him. That took place about five episodes ago...how can she still be "new"? Alas, the world of Ed spins on its own axis, defying all rules of time and space. Nancy says it's not the "crush on Mike" that's bothering her; it's the fact that they have Carmella taking care of their evil baby Sara, and they don't even know her. They don't know her values, her morals, who cuts her hair, and whether she's pro or con on the art of bikini waxes. Just then, the doorbell rings. If this were the real world, that'd freak my ass out, but it's sitcomland where it's no big deal to be talking about somebody and have them show up at the door. Ed says, "Speak of the devil." Mike says something way too fast that I couldn't catch, and then Ed says that if you say the devil's name three times in a row, he will then appear. Which explains why when you're in a television studio audience and holler "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" Jerry Springer suddenly appears from backstage. Coincidence?? I think not.
So Nancy ushers Carmella in and introduces her to Ed. Carmella couldn't give a shit about meeting Ed. She wants to know if Mike's enjoying his sausage patty. Mike says it's very tasty. Carmella says that patties are so much better than sausage links in a voice that sounds like she's in a Mexican porn film and her name is Senorita Sissy Snatch. Ed laughs out loud as Mike looks like he's sitting on a rusty nail.
Credits roll followed by commercials. Did you know that America Online kicks unholy ass? Me neither. But the shysters at AOL think their shit doesn't stink in the Internet provider wars.
Back at the alley, a woman walks in with one of the most hideous hairdos to ever grace a television screen since Jerry Seinfeld let that old Italian guy cut his hair. Ed's penis becomes engorged as he grins and welcomes Cara Christenson into the alley. They share a hug. As it turns out, Cara is an old girlfriend of Ed's from high school. She's married now and lives in Jaspertown. Ed shamefully explains that he's divorced and wears a scarlet "A" everywhere he goes. Phil walks up saying, "Bossco, I need an advance on my...Hellooooo," meaning he's turned on by this woman with a dead vulture on her head. Ed introduces Phil as the "Shoe Guy" and Phil greets Cara with the line, "It is an honor to finally meet the brave woman who deflowered young Edward." Ed seems slightly embarrassed and aroused by Phil's greeting.
Getting down to brass tacks, Cara is here because she wants legal advice. She thinks her husband George is cheating on her. It's only a hunch, but a strong hunch. Kinda like if Quasimodo started taking steroids...he'd be a strong hunch. Oh, bite me; that was funnier than ninety percent of this episode. Ed asks if she has proof of her husband's infidelity. She doesn't, BUT he cheated on her while they were engaged two years ago, and dammit, that should count for something! I stare at the woman's hairdo and determine that if I had been drunk enough to marry her, I would have been cheating on her with tree stumps by now. Cara has decided to test George's fidelity by hiring a woman named Selma, who's working as a temp at her office, to seduce her husband in a bar and see if he takes the bait, taking Selma back to her place for a little one-on-one scramble. Cara's question is, is hiring a woman to mess with your hubby's hormones legal or not. Ed says it's perfectly legal as long as they don't get naked and bust a move. Cara's hairdo begins speaking in tongues, which doesn't faze either of them.
Over at Stuckeyville High, Anne "Ben Stiller's Mother" Meara is conducting the school band. The music is horrible. It sounds like two cats mating in the dead of night. It sounds like a bus full of senior citizens going over a cliff. It sounds like Mariah Carey's last album. Horrible, I'm tellin' ya. But as bad as it sounds, there's Warren Cheswick, rocking out like it's nobody's business on his clarinet. Warren is easily the Eddie Van Halen of clarinet players. He's innovative and he jams like a peanut butter sandwich in a VCR. Meara tells the band to take five...all except for Warren. She wants Warren to keep jamming. It is only when the band stops and Warren solos that we find out just how bad he sucks. And sucketh he doeth. Meara tells Warren that you have to treat a clarinet like you would a woman. If you try too hard you can't make her sing. And if you don't try hard enough, she accuses you of cheating on her, goes back to her high school boyfriend and hires her office temps to try and wet your willie in a bar. Warren insists that he knows how to please a woman, which ranks right up there with George Bush's "No new taxes" speech as one of the all-time biggest lies told on television.
Carol waltzes in while the band is playing and waits until the band is dismissed. She approaches Meara and says that she's heard the music department is being shut down. Meara seems a bit down about it, but not suicidal "down." Her department is the least important and by getting rid of it, they won't have to compromise the rest of the "important" departments. Carol insists that she will talk to the school board and by God...Anne F'n Meara will always have a place in Stuckeyville High to teach her brand of torturous music to the tone-deaf students.
Back at Mike and Nancy's, Nancy comes home in the middle of the day to "check on Sara" when she's really spying on Carmella. She tells Carmella she wants to get to know her better. Carmella squirms in her Mexican seat and tells Nancy she wants to get to know Dr. Mike better and starts making those stupid "ROWWWRRR!!" sounds and rubbing her breasts. Nancy ignores this because it was just a figment of my imagination and proceeds to ask Carmella what her favorite movie is. Carmella answers with The Fletch because you never know what Chevy Chase is thinking in that wacky series of bumbling detective flicks. Nancy then asks who she voted for and Carmella says Bush because Gore's too stiff. She came to that rationalization through watching talk shows, which was a tip of the hat to executive producer Dave Letterman.
In a fine Stuckeyville bistro, Mike, Nancy, and Ed are having dinner. Mike is joking about Ed's first date with Cara, when he took her to a Jefferson Starship concert. Like THAT'S supposed to be something to snicker about today. Lemme tell you something, DR. MIKE...the Starship ROCKED, dude. They SHREDDED! They were the original ass-kickers, you lily-livered piece of toilet trash. Do NOT mock the Starship, you hairy bastard! Ed wonders aloud what's wrong with the Starship and Mike says nothing, then breaks into the chorus of the rock-and-roll anthem "We Built This City." Ed smiles and sings a line or two. Nancy gets in the spirit and starts belting out the chorus, which leaves Ed and Mike staring at her like she just admitted a sexual fantasy involving an albino leper. Nancy just needs to butt out of the Ed and Mike relationship and allow them to have their little latent homosexual dinners together. Mike says he heard about what Cara's doing to entrap her husband and Ed says it's a bad idea. Nancy says it's a great idea -- testing people. She decides she's going to test Carmella to see if she's a decent nanny. Lemme see...the nanny wants to boink the daddy. Test over. You fail, Carmie. Ed comes up with this week's TEN DOLLAR BET and bets Mike that he won't finish his meal with his shirt off. Mike hesitates because more than likely this restaurant is one of those stuffy corporate beeyotches that frown on patrons not wearing shirts or shoes. Ed coaxes him by saying, "TEN DOLLARS, MIKE."
Cara walks in while the shenanigans are in high gear and needs to talk to Ed. Nancy jumps up to hug Cara and I SWEAR Cara blows her off like a Jehovah's Witness. Nancy says, "It's so good to see you," and Cara says, "Yeah, you too." Probably the most unintentionally funny scene in the whole episode. Anyway...Cara is having second thoughts about setting her husband up with a hot little sex vixen and wants to call it all off. Ed says that's a good idea. Cara wants to get to the bar and grab Selma before she sinks her claws into George, and asks Ed to come with her. Ed agrees because he's afraid that if he doesn't agree, Cara's hair will climb down off of her head and attack him. Ed and Cara turn to leave, and there's Mike, shirtless at the table, sporting one of the most gawdawful ugly farmer tans you'll ever see. Tan arms...pale body. Mike orders a Fresca. This is supposed to be funny, how??