After five weeks of rest and relaxation, I almost forgot what it was like to write an MBTV recap. Then I remembered: it's one hour of intense television watching and furious note scribbling followed by three hours of agonizing over whether to use the word "shit" or not.
Ahhh...it's good to be home.
Ed opens with Mike and Ed waltzing down the streets of Stuckeyville. Ed asks Mike if he's ever eaten a peanut butter and bacon sandwich. Mike fights to keep his stomach down and tells Ed that his stab at creative cuisine is "disgusting." Ed says it's not as bad as it sounds and that the oil from the peanut butter mixes with the fat from the bacon, creating a taste sensation that Mike won't soon forget. Mike's not sold on the sandwich. Ed reminds Mike that if it weren't for him, Mike never would have tried the delectable combination of Sweet Tarts and Cheese Whiz. Mike agrees. Ed stops and looks across the street at a bus stop brimming with local Stuckeyvillians who are too lazy to walk around the quaint little village. Ed decides that these people deserve to see Mike Burton do the Snake Dance. Mike says, "No way," but Ed mentions the magic words, "Ten Bucks." Mike, taking a cue from Pavlov's dog, runs across the street, prepares himself, and then does a snake dance that looks more like he ate some bad sushi than an actual dance. He gyrates around in the street with his hands clasped above his head for the semi-amusement of the bus-stop patrons. Meanwhile, Ed enjoys the show from afar.
You know...it's a wonder that either one of these two morons have been able to sustain a successful career in this town. Let's face it, it's a small town and by now, damned near everyone has seen one or the other of these two guys act like an absolute mental case in public because of these "ten-dollar bets." I dunno about you, but I doubt seriously that I would use a doctor who got in my face at a bus stop and started doing a bizarre belly dance. Try that shit in my town, Mikey, and you're liable to get a cap popped conveniently in yo' milky white ass.
The opening credits roll, followed by commercials. You know, color me out of the loop, but you'll sooner find me filing my nails with a razor blade than standing in line to buy tickets for the film version of Josie and the Pussycats.
Back to the show. We're smack dab in the middle of Carol's class. Carol is reading some wack-assed poetry from Robert Frost aloud. I almost nod off from boredom, but she wraps it up fairly quickly and then asks the class what she just read meant. Had I been in the class, I would have raised my hands and said, "It meant our parents' tax dollars have been wasted on your salary, Missy." However, I reside in the quaint little village of Real Life while Carol's the Ice Queen of Stuckeyville. Hence, our paths rarely cross. Nobody wants to decipher Frost's madcap ramblings, so Carol asks her star pupil Clark to dissect the insanity. Clark, played by Martin Starr, the tall, skinny geek from Freaks and Geeks, lifts his head slowly and tells Carol he doesn't know what Frost meant.
A fat jock to him tells everyone to mark the date and time -- Ms. Vessey finally stumped the brainiac. Clark speaks up and says that Frost was talking about the Sleep of Death, which is apparently right on the money. I feel foolish because I always thought the Sleep of Death was a pro-wrestling hold. Clark turns to the fat kid and says, "I'm sure you knew that, genius." Fat kid gets a little ticked and says, "Did you just call me 'genius'?" Nerd extraordinaire Warren Cheswick interjects with, "Yeah...but it was sarcasm. Y'see...he called you a genius, but you're not." Then Warren rolls off a hearty laugh at the fat jock's expense. Did I miss something while I was gone, or did Warren overdose on testicular fortitude, because the boy has suddenly got some massive balls when dealing with jocks. Warren gets reprimanded for picking on the dumb jock, and Carol gives Clark a look that practically says, "If you were ten years older and not my student, I'd be banging you like Lars Ulrich on a snare drum." Suddenly, this whole scene reminds me of a really bad Made For TV Movie with Helen Hunt as Carol Vessey, the teacher who seduced her students.
Thankfully, we move to another scene. Ed is at his desk in his office when Shirley walks in. She has something she wants to talk about. Ed invites her in and she closes the door. She sits down, quickly jumps back up like there was a jellyfish in her seat, and waits for Ed to ask her to sit down. Ed asks her to sit down. Shirley has come to a crossroads in her life where she would like to start doing something different. She needs a change. Ed's perplexed, which is common of most people who take the time to make sense out of Shirley. Shirley comes right out and says what's on her mind: she wants to be Ed's legal assistant. She has qualifications: she can make coffee and write things down. Ed tells her there's more to being a legal assistant than that. You have to be organized. Shirley says she's organized as she moves Ed's coffee cup slightly and brings up her acute separation of the bendy straws from the regular straws at the snack counter as proof of these amazing organizational skills. Ed didn't even know they had bendy straws. Phil bursts into the room and mentions that Ed's door was closed. Ed confirms Phil's statement and says that he's having a private conversation with Shirley. Phil takes this to mean that it's a secret staff meeting and says that he didn't get the memo on the meeting. Ed ignores Phil and tells Shirley that she can be his assistant for one week. If, at the end of the week, he decides that Shirley did a good job, she can keep the job permanently.
Why do I get the feeling that Shirley's in over her head? Why do I have the mental image of Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance working on an assembly line with Lucy shoving chocolates into her mouth because the line's moving too fast? I'm tellin' ya...this set-up has all the makings for some classic comedic tour de force farce courtesy of Shirley. Phil tells Ed that he's "swimming with sharks." Phil reeks of jealousy. Or...that could be my feet. It's probably my feet.
Carol's class is over and the majority of students are leaving to go smoke some crack rock in the bathrooms. Carol asks Clark to stay behind because she has something to talk to him about. She tells Clark that she's noticed he hasn't been himself lately. He says he's fine. Warren steps in and tells Clark he can trust Ms. Vessey because she's rock-and-roll solid. Carol tells Warren that she's trying to have a private conversation with the class geek, but Clark says he'd rather Warren stayed around. Carol agrees. I expect him to admit his love for Warren and for the two to engage in a homosexual lip-lock that will have Baptists up in arms for months, but that doesn't happen. The skinny is...Coach Kerwin, the drill sergeant posing as a gym teacher at Stuckeyville High, has told Clark that he's going to get a D in gym class if he doesn't pass the fitness exam which consists of sit-ups, chin-ups, mad dashes across the gymnasium's floor, and a lengthy public shower afterwards without anyone making fun of the size of his genitalia. As it stands, Clark's about as athletically inclined as Jared before his Subway diet. And he's hung like a mouse. If Clark gets a D, it will screw up his entire GPA as well as his chances of ever getting a college scholarship. Carol asks if Clark tries his best. Clark says he does. Carol cannot fathom this. In her eyes, if a kid tries his best, he should get at least a B. Carol says she's going to take care of this and for Clark to quit losing sleep over it. Clark thanks her, and Warren puts his arm around Carol and tries to subtly cop a feel to no avail.
Meanwhile, Mike has his nifty doctor suit on and is having a conference with a patient. The patient is claiming that she's "itchy." Mike asks where on her body is she itching. I smell a Vagisil infomercial coming on, but she says she itches all over. Suddenly, Dr. Jerome bursts in. Jerome wants to see Mike's diploma. Mike says it's on his wall. Jerome marches over to the wall and stares at the diploma, admiring the forgery of whoever scribbled it, saying it looks just like the real thing. Apparently, last week, a Mr. Gatehouse came into the practice with a blistering skin condition on his forearm. Mike saw him and treated him. Jerome questions the medications that Mike prescribed for him in words that are way too big for me to transcribe here. The bottom line is, Gatehouse now has a rash that would make the Elephant Man queasy to look at. Mike disagrees with Jerome's diagnosis of the problem and Jerome tells him that he isn't allowed to disagree with Jerome and calls him a "knuckle-dragging cretin." He tells Mike that he's been practicing medicine for fifty years and Mike's only been practicing since lunch. He tells Mike that he is a man, while Mike is a boy. He knows everything and Mike knows nothing. He exits the room, but pauses to tell the itchy lady that she's being treated by a talking horse.
I wish my boss were as nice as Dr. Jerome. My boss beats me in front of customers.
Back at the bowling alley, Shirley is setting up her desk as neatly as possible. Ed walks up and is checking out all her desk items including her No. 2 pencils. Ed says if she does a good job, they'll bump her up to No. 3 pencils. Shirley doesn't get the joke, but says she did. Carol walks in and says she needs to talk to Ed. Shirley says, "Mr. Stevens can't see you at the moment." Ed and Carol stare at Shirley and she says, "Mr. Stevens will see you now." Carol and Ed adjourn to his office while Shirley sharpens a pencil down to the nub.
Carol wants to know if a student can sue a teacher for giving him an unfair grade. Ed can't see why not. Carol explains the Clark situation and how this coach is screwing up the kid's chances at a scholarship by giving him a D. Ed asks if she's talked to the Coach. She says there's no talking to the guy; he has the I.Q. of a Pop Tart. The principal doesn't want to interfere with the coach's method of grading, and Clark's parents are too poor to afford college tuition, having sunk all their money into the XFL. Ed wants to talk to the coach. Carol doesn't think it's a good idea. Ed lapses into a stunning Sean Connery impression, reminding Carol that he's a "master negotiator." Shirley flies in the room and hands Carol a cup of coffee. Carol's grateful. Shirley hands her a candy apple to go with the coffee. Carol's dumbfounded.
Ed shows up in the gymnasium and the Coach says, "The chickens have come home to roost!" and calls him Earl Stevens. Ed corrects him on the name. Coach remembers him as a sucky basketball player and wants to know what Ed wants, but in a fairly nice way. Ed's there to talk about Clark. Coach says Clark's a good kid, bright student, blah blah blah. Ed says he got the impression that the Coach didn't like Clark, and Coach gets defensive, saying "What? The big dumb coach can't like the smart kid?" Ed tells the Coach that if Clark gets a D in P.E., it's gonna screw up any chance he had of getting a scholarship to college. You can't penalize the kid for life like that. After all, he's shown up for class every day -- shouldn't that count for something? Coach says Clark's going to get the grade he deserves. Being there every day counts for something, but the Coach wants Ed to answer a question: What if a kid shows up for math class every day and tries his best but at exam time, he gets every question wrong? Should that kid get a B because he tried? Ed says they're two different things and that some kids just aren't cut out to do chin-ups. Coach agrees and says some kids aren't cut out for math class...it's a cold, cruel world we live in, and some of life's biggest lessons are best when taught early. Coach tells Ed that he's given this whole deal a lot more thought than Ed has...aaaand his new friend Carol Vessey. Ed's left tongue-tied and stupid by Coach's reasonable defense.
More commercials. Rugrats in Paris is now out on video and DVD. I'm shocked that Blockbuster Video has yet to install a revolving door after that revelation hit the airwaves.
Back in Mike's office, Nancy is giving him a shoulder massage and listening to him whine about how Dr. Jerome treats him like a child. Dr. Jerome walks in and apologizes to Mike, telling him that his temper got the best of him that morning. As a small token of appreciation, he wants Mike to open a present that he's bought for him. Mike opens the gift up and it's a children's book called "Looking Into My Body." Jerome offers his assistance in explaining any of the concepts in the book to Mike that may be too complicated. Jerome leaves and Mike calls him a "bald-headed bastard" while Nancy acts shocked and slightly aroused at Mike's masterful use of the English language.
In the bowling alley, Ed's polishing the alley floor when Carol walks in. She asks Ed if he spoke to the Coach, and Ed says yeah but that he couldn't get through to him to see Carol's point of view. Carol says that Ed's being weird and asks if there's something Ed's not telling her. Ed says "yes" and admits that the Coach has a few good arguments against passing Clark when he shouldn't, and he might be right in this circumstance. Carol hits the ceiling and says she must be in the Twilight Zone because Ed Stevens is not agreeing with her on something she feels strongly about. She says he's being a complete dolt. They fight way too fast for me to transcribe and it wasn't all that intriguing to begin with. Ed gets in the last word that the Coach made good points in his argument. Carol leaves in a huff and a Saturn.
In the gymnasium, Warren has taken Clark under his wing in order to help him pass the strenuous fitness test and get into a good school. Clark thinks it's a lost cause to try and train him for this test. Warren reminds him of Rocky Balboa in Rocky II when Mickey had him chase a chicken around the streets of Philadelphia and try to catch it. Warren pulls out a live chicken, does a godawful impression of Burgess Meredith, and puts the chicken on the floor of the gym, telling Clark that if he can catch the chicken, he can catch greased lightning...now GO GET IT! Clark walks slowly over to the chicken and picks it up with no effort. Warren tells Clark that he has to give the chicken a head start first.
Mike walks into his office and there are post-it notes everywhere, each one describing the object that it's been stuck on. For instance, the phone has a post-it note that says "Telephone." The door: "Door." If you need me to break this down any further for you, please email me and we'll discuss it at length. Mike's wondering what the hell's going on when Jerome walks in and places a post-it note on both Mike's elbow and ass, insinuating that Mike can't tell his ass from his elbow. I GET IT!!! That Jerome guy will go to great lengths to make an extremely subtle joke. I think that's why I like the cantankerous bastard so much.
Back at Stuckey Bowl, Shirley is telling Ed that she has come to a conclusion on how she will be answering the phone. She then relays in a monotone the basic answering machine spiel that's included with the instruction booklet of every single answering machine ever sold. Ed says it's nice but if she happens to be at her desk, she needs to just answer it normally. Coach Kerwin comes in and wants to talk to Ed. They shuffle into Ed's office and Coach doesn't mince words when he blurts out that Clark's parents are going to sue him. If he gives their precious little egghead a D, he can color his ass sued, screwed, and tattooed. Coach wants Ed to represent him in the lawsuit. Ed says he would but he's been waiting patiently to be knockin' dem boots with Carol Vessey and there may be a conflict of interest going into the lawsuit. Ed tells him he'll help him find another lawyer. The coach tells him that he's already talked to other lawyers, and Ed's the only lawyer who thinks he's right, yet he won't take his case. He tells Ed all the other lawyers don't understand him and that Ed's the only lawyer who didn't say, "Just give him a B and be done with it." Like all of Ed's clients in the past, he basically begs Ed to take the case. Ed agrees to take the case. Coach points out that if the kid passes the test, then all of this can be avoided. Ed says he'll keep his fingers crossed. Ed is obviously torn between his friendship with Carol and his insatiable desire to sue the shit out of every little geeky high school kid in Stuckeyville and live like a fat cat in a mansion on the hill.
Back in the gym, Warren is shown on the floor, hollering up at Clark that he "can do it" and to pull himself up using his arms. The camera shot changes and Clark's about a foot off the ground, struggling while holding onto the rope. "I'm getting rope burn," Clark whines.
More commercials. When you write for MBTV, you live for the commercials. They give you a chance to take a breather, look over your notes, and ponder how many slices of Stuffed Crust Pizza you would have to eat in order to give yourself a massive coronary (Answer: 3).
Back in the bowling alley, Phil is interviewing a hot, HOT babe in a low-cut blouse. He says now that he knows the girl's major strengths (meaning her cleavage), maybe she could share her biggest weaknesses. She says she may be too intense and loses herself in projects. I know how that is. I got lost in the projects once and almost got shot. She also says that she knows all the state capitals except Nebraska. I'm guessing that's a great qualification for a snack bar girl at a bowling alley, because Phil is overcome with glee. Ed walks up and asks what is going on. Phil says he's interviewing people to take Shirley's spot at the snack bar. Ed says it isn't necessary but Phil says the place is hemorrhaging without Shirley there to man the snack bar. Ed says "no" and that she will not be hired. The girl looks dejected until Phil tells her that he's just going to keep conducting the interview anyway, and she cheers up as if she will actually still be considered for the position. Gotta love them brainless beauties.
Back in the gym, Coach Kerwin is explaining to his students that the fitness exam they're about to take counts as 85% of their total grade and tells them to begin the exam. Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" plays in the background while we watch Clark struggle valiantly with every physical test laid before him. This kid is so pathetic he makes Franklin D. Roosevelt look like Hulk Hogan. He struggles for what seems an eternity to do a sit-up and then a chin-up. I've had birthdays go by quicker than Clark's chin-up.
Apparently Clark fails his exam, although this information is keenly edited out of the final cut of tonight's episode. Since we wind up in a courtroom, I make the educated deduction that Clark's parents have sued the Coach for giving their son a D. Ed sees Carol walk into the courtroom and goes over to talk to her. Ed says that Molly said that on a scale of one to mad, Carol is mad. Carol is visibly angry but tries to play it off. Ed tells her that this whole deal may be more black and white than she realizes. The case begins and Ed goes up front to sit to Coach Kerwin. Clark is the first one on the stand. He says he gets A's in every single class except gym because he can't run the fifty-yard dash in less than eight seconds. He had practiced several times over the school year but it was an impossible feat for him. Clark says that the test given is discriminatory and rigged, which sounds peculiarly like the Academy Awards. Plus it keeps kids like him from getting a decent grade and going off to college on a scholarship so his parents can continue to be poor and blow all their money on lottery tickets. It's Ed's turn to cross-examine and Ed goes over Clark's grades with him. He asks if Clark thinks he deserves all those A's. Clark thinks he does. Ed asks if he thinks he's one of Coach Kerwin's best students. Clark says no. So Ed gets him to agree that he should then have a lower grade in Coach's class than any of the other classes. Clark agrees, but not a D. Ed agrees on this too. They tease toward a homosexual lip-lock but it doesn't come to fruition.
Back in Dr. Jerome's office, Mike comes in and says they have to talk. Jerome says, "Just the man I was looking for!" He calls out for Wendy, who brings Mike a box of popcorn and giggles as she walks away. Mike's confused and Dr. Jerome says that he's got a great show to watch. Three little kids walk into the room dressed as adults and complaining of stomach pains. "Dr. Burton" walks into the room with a prosthetic forehead plastered on his face, because Mike's head is 75% forehead. "Dr. Burton" says he'll check out their stomachs then places his stethoscope on the first kid's ear. The kid tells the young doctor that he's rooting around in his ear, not his stomach. "Dr. Burton" then turns to Mike and says, "Oh yeah, I forgot. That's because I'm a big lunkhead who got his diploma out of a box of Fruit Loops." The kids all have a laugh at Mike's expense, and they all leave the room with a cackling Dr. Jerome. Mike looks dejected and says he doesn't even like Fruit Loops.
Back in court, the prosecutor is asking Carol what kind of student Clark has become. Carol gushes all over the courtroom, trying to worm every single positive superlative into the deposition. She's asked if she thinks Coach Kerwin's grading system is fair and she says no. Ed is asked if he'd like to cross-examine her and he says no. Just as quickly, he turns around and says yes, and slowly walks over to the stand where the sexual tension is thicker than a New York phone book. Ed asks Carol if she's ever socialized with the Coach. She says no. Does she intend to spend time with him in the future? No, not really. So you don't know him very well, do you Ms. Vessey? No, she doesn't. So how can she say he's jealous of Clark? She can just tell. And that's enough to testify against this man in a court of law...that she can "just tell" what kind of coach he is? Carol tries to defend herself by saying that Coach Kerwin is one of those discriminating gym teachers that favors the jocks over the geeks because they're different than him. Yet...as Ed points out...Carol is discriminating against Coach Kerwin because he's different from her. Carol looks dejected, somebody hollers "objection!" and Ed announces he has nothing further. He slumps back into his chair and kisses his one-way ticket to the Vessey Valley of Ass-Humpin' Love goodbye.
Back at Ed's office, he's talking to Molly. Ed's trying desperately to brainwash Molly into seeing that he's doing the right thing here: Coach Kerwin's a good guy who just wants to keep his job. Molly says that he's holding a very smart and gifted child back. Just because Clark can't run fast, that shouldn't keep him out of college. The gym grade should be based on attitude and perseverance, not how fast you can run or how many sit-ups you can do. Granted, this argument is coming from Molly, so take it with a grain of salt and a bag full of Quarter Pounders with cheese. Molly tells Ed that Carol's mad. How mad, Ed wants to know. Molly says, "Take the word 'mad' and add about ten thousand 'very's in front of it." Ed blames the rift between him and Carol on the whole Bonnie Hane thing. Ever since he slept with Bonnie, things have been different between him and Carol. He thinks they have to find their footing again and asks Molly what to do. Molly says that she wants Ed to take this in the best way possible, but Einstein was put on this earth to discover the theory of relativity; the guy who invented Kraft cheese was put on the earth to individually wrap cheese. She's not sure what she's been put on this earth for, but it certainly isn't to be the go-between for the greatest relationship of our time. I thought she was talking about Romeo and Juliet, but she was referring to Carol and Ed. She informs Ed that she has her own life to live, which revolves mostly around Oprah repeats and ice-cream sandwiches. Molly adds that when Ed boinked Bonnie Hane, it even gave her the heebie-jeebies.
Carol's then shown standing in the doorway. Shirley comes on the intercom and says, "Carol Vessey is here to see you." Ed tells Shirley that Carol's already in. Shirley says, "Roger that" like she's an eighteen-wheeler truck driver instead of a lawyer's assistant. It's silent in the room until Carol says she was wrong about Frank. Carol says after Ed was through humiliating her in court, she did some research and found that she had failed Shawn Ellis, a promising basketball player for Stuckeyville High and one of Coach Kerwin's star athletes six years earlier. Because she failed him, Shawn couldn't go on to a college basketball team. So this is Coach Kerwin's roundabout way of getting back at Carol...destroying the life of her prize student, just like she did his. "See how this holds up in court," she says, slamming down some files on his desk and walking out. "You've got to admit, that was a cool exit," Molly says. "I'm so screwed," Ed admits.
More commercials. I discover that you can pick your teeth with magazine subscription cards much easier than you can with a toothpick. The only drawback is sometimes you get a paper cut on your gums, which hurts worse than a breakup with Jennifer Lopez.
Back in the gym, the coach is gathering up basketballs and putting them in a basket when Ed walks up. Ed accuses Kerwin of using Clark as a pawn to exact revenge against Carol for shattering Shawn's dreams of becoming a pro basketball player. Coach doesn't agree, but he doesn't disagree either, and tells Ed to come with him. As they walk down the streets of Stuckeyville, the coach says that Shawn was a poet with the basketball; he wasn't bright but he was one of the best basketball players Stuckeyville would ever see and would have definitely made a healthy living as a pro ball player. He conveniently leaves out the lengthy jail terms and drug addictions that most pro basketball players eventually endure. They reach a convenience store, and Shawn is busy unloading boxes of chips inside. Shawn's thrilled to see the Coach and they talk about this year's basketball team. Coach asks Shawn if he's given any more thought to the community college where Coach thought he could at least muster up some halfway decent grades. Shawn looks sad as he says no. It's obvious that Shawn couldn't tie his own shoes without step-by-step instructions, due to his limited intelligence equaling that of a bear rug.
Ed goes to Carol's classroom. He tells her that he saw Shawn Ellis today and that he works in a convenience store, unloading boxes. Carol asks if she should feel guilty about this and Ed says, "No." Ed asks why she wouldn't change the rules and just give Shawn a B so that he could have gone on to play basketball, join the NBA, and blow several hundred thousand dollars on drugs to combat his ever-increasing aching joints? Carol explains that teachers have rules and that rules are there to protect the student and that she abides...by....the....HEY!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! Ed turned the tables on Carol and made her start to understand that the reason Coach isn't going to let Clark slide on his fitness exam is the same reason that Carol gave Shawn Ellis a low grade six years earlier...there are RULES that teachers must abide by! NOWWWWW she gets it!
Back at the bowling alley, it's time for Shirley's one-week evaluation. Even though she sucks wet goat nuts as an assistant, Ed decides to hire her anyway. Shirley wonders aloud if this is some sort of bad episode of Candid Camera where Allen Funt Jr. comes busting out of a wall to tell her to smile. Ed assures her that it's not. Ed looks out his door and the busty woman that Phil was interviewing earlier is now cleaning bowling shoes. Ed reminds Phil that he said there was a hiring freeze going on at Stuckey Bowl and no matter how magnificent this chick's ta-tas are...she's not hired. Phil explains that she's not an employee, she's Phil's intern. This way, they don't have to pay her and Phil still gets to fantasize over this hot mama all day. Phil must be making a movie or something, because he was only in this episode for maybe sixty seconds total this week. Very little Phil makes Uncle Bob cranky, bloated, and irritable.
Back in Dr. Jerome's office, Mike walks in and says, "G'day Dr. Jerome." Jerome asks Mike if he's drunk. Mike says no, but he's got a little show he wants Jerome to watch. The same kids from earlier come out, complaining about their stomachs. A miniature "Dr. Jerome" comes out in a bald wig. He knows what to do about their stomachs. He says all they need is some bloodletting and maybe some leeches. Because that's the way they did things in the Middle Ages. Little Dr. Jerome starts cackling, "I know everything and you know nothing!" over and over again. The kids leave the room and Mike informs Jerome that he called Mr. Gatehouse and he's doing just fine with the diagnosis that Mike provided him. Every dog has its day and today is MIKE'S, baybeee!! Jerome says, "Really?" and tells Mike that Mr. Gatehouse is waiting in the hallway. Jerome calls him in and the guy is covered in a nasty-looking rash. He looks like my ass did in 1981 after a twenty-six-hour bus ride to Trenton, New Jersey. Jerome cackles an evil cackle while Mike looks like a fool for lying to Dr. Jerome.
In Ed's office, Coach Kerwin walks in. Ed tells him he wants the coach to change his method of grading so that Clark can go to college. Coach asks why. Ed says that even though what happened to Shawn Ellis can't be changed, there's no reason to go after Carol for it. Coach points out that nobody ever comes down hard on the English or Math teacher who keeps a star athlete from achieving their dreams, but when the coach does the same to a star pupil, they come out of the woodwork to condemn him. Ed asks if this is being done to prove a point at the expense of Clark's future. The coach says it is, calling Clark a "necessary casualty." Wow. I nominate Coach Kerwin for the most uncaring bastard to ever appear on Ed if you can manage to casually overlook Dr. Jerome's general disdain for all things living.
In the courtroom, Ed announces that he wishes to withdraw as Coach Kerwin's counsel. The rules of the court state that Ed is supposed to do his best to win his cases and he just doesn't want to win this one. He says if he wins then Clark doesn't get to go to college. He adds that Coach Kerwin still feels pain for what happened to Shawn because he failed English and never achieved his dreams. And while Ed believes in rules, there are times when exceptions can and should be made. Perhaps these two instances are shining examples of when exceptions should have been implemented. Life is hard enough without teachers making it harder on these students. As it stands, neither outcome is acceptable to Ed as a lawyer, so he resigns from representing Coach Kerwin. And he just waltzes out of the courtroom to a stunned silence. Molly and Carol have warm smiles on their faces as Clark's lawyer tries to explain to his client that the other lawyer, to use technical terms, just "went off the deep end."
We then see Ed drinking a beer in his office when Molly walks in. Molly tells him that what he did in court was good...along the lines of Al Pacino in ...And Justice For All during the "I'm not out of order! You're out of order!!" monologue. Ed asks what happened after he left, and Molly says that Clark's parents dropped the case and that the principal was there and is going to change the rules so that kids can still do horrible and get a B in P.E. regardless of their athleticism. Furthermore, the principal is going to weigh everything to make sure this kind of thing never happens again. Molly then tells Ed that he needs to go talk to Carol; she's sitting in the parking lot of the convenience store and staring at Shawn Ellis through the windows of the store. Ed dons his Batcape and cowl and announces he's on his way. He stops and asks Molly what happened: he thought she wasn't going to be a go-between between him and Carol anymore. What can Molly say...sometimes we have to make EXCEPTIONS to the RULES.
That Moll! Always good for a callback!
In the parking lot, Carol is staring at Shawn and watching him mop the floor, just like Molly said. If this were The Sopranos, she's have a gun in her lap and be ready to blow his head clean off, that's how spooky the scene comes off. Shawn locks up and goes to leave the building. Carol jumps out of her car and goes to meet him. She introduces herself, but he already remembers who she was...she was the woman who led him down the career path of mopping a Pack and Sack at 12:30 in the morning rather than snorting blow off an NBA cheerleader's chest after a successful tournament final. Carol's a tad uncomfortable all of a sudden and wants to buy him a coffee. He tells her it's late and he has to get some sleep because he has to open the store the day. She says that she's been thinking about what she did and is ready to admit that she made a mistake. She should have found a way to make an exception so that he could have gone on and played pro ball. She knows that telling him this isn't doing any good this late in the game, but that teachers have so many rules that they must abide by that it never occurred to her to make an exception for him. She's human; she makes mistakes. Shawn stops her pitiful diatribe and reminds her that it's late and he has to be back in by 5 AM. He then jogs away from her, stops on a street corner to let her words sink in for a second or two, then jogs away.
Ed walks up as Shawn's jogging away. He goes to hug Carol and she sobs in his arms, knowing now that she really, REALLY screwed up a kid's life. Ed asks her if she's ever tried a peanut butter and bacon sandwich. She says, "No." He softly says, "Come with me," and the show ends as they walk away.
The moral of the story? If you're an adult and stuck in a dead-end job that you absolutely hate...blame a teacher.