BOO-YAHHH!
Hey kids, it's me, your dear, old Uncle Bob. I'm jazzed, pumped, and stoked to give you yet another Ed recap so that your life can continue to blossom, your sleep will remain peaceful at night, and the world can continue spinning on its axis without any further interruption...Or I'm just doing this because I need the money for diapers. Either way...I'm jazzed, pumped, and stoked.
Before the show begins, we receive a message from NBC. Did you know that NBC is proud of Ed for its three TV Guide nominations? Did you know that a TV Guide nomination is just slightly more prestigious than being nominated for "Most School Spirit" in high school?
I thought you did. I just wanted to make sure we're all on the same page here. A TV Guide nomination equals nothing to write home about.
Previously on Ed, District Attorney Bonnie Hane came to town, lit a spark under Ed's ass that's been missing ever since Carol Vessey said she wanted to be "just friends," and actually gave our hero his first soul kiss in ten episodes. Now Ed's making decisions with his penis rather than his brain and there's an awfully good chance that Carol and her bag of indecisive feelings for Ed may have been left on the side of the road like a squashed armadillo.
We begin this week's thrilling episode with Carol and Molly entering Stuckeyville's Jewelry Shop. Carol is picking up her music box that she had left there for repairs and mentions how her Grandma gave her the music box when she was a little girl. She's one lucky kid. My Grandma gave me pneumonia when I was a kid and damned near killed my ass. The employee in the store asks her if she knows how valuable the music box is. Carol has no idea of the monetary value but its sentimental value is priceless. The guy points out that the music box was made in 1608 and has royal markings on it. Being a guy that doesn't know the first thing about music boxes, I've got to say that I was impressed by these facts and made an uneducated guess of $49.99. Carol asks how much the music box is worth and the guy says $3 million. Carol's jaw drops while Molly starts estimating how many cheeseburgers $3 million could buy. After a few seconds, the music box guy laughs and says it's not really worth $3 million, adding, "I never get tired of that joke." Carol exhales and Molly seethes with rage over her cheeseburger fantasy being burst. The guy then says the box is probably worth $1,800. Molly overstates the obvious when she clucks, "The three million kinda takes all the impact out of the actual figure."
The thing you know, the whole gang is in a fancy restaurant, one of the many bistros in the greater Stuckeyville area. The ladies are chiding Ed and wanting to know when they're all going to get to meet the mysterious Bonnie Hane. Carol, with just a ton of sarcasm dripping off her voice says, "Yeah, Ed, when do we get to meet her?" Ed just grins that "Aw shucks" grin of his that has gotten him through life thus far and declines comment. Mike walks in and excuses himself for being late. He's wearing a "Dukakis in '88" t-shirt and some size 38 pants that are way too big on him. Mike then explains his and Nancy's "five year" rule: if they go five years without using something, then it gets thrown out. In Mike's eyes, he just bought five more years of use out of both his t-shirt and pants. Nancy wants to know why he wants to keep his fat pants. He explains that his metabolism could still go all out of whack at the drop of a hat and he may need those fat pants.
The waiter then announces that the owner of a silver Cougar needs to go to the waitress station because their car alarm is going off. AND the restaurant has run out of milk. Carol announces that she owns a silver Cougar. Ed counters with the fact that he ordered milk. I top them both with a deep groan followed by a few gulps of Maalox.
The gang goes outside to see that Carol's car has been vandalized by a bunch of hoodlums. A gang of rabble-rousers. A group of hooligans. The waiter is telling Ed's posse that he was taking a smoke break when he saw a guy close the door to Carol's car, get in his own car, and leave. If this were a game of Clue, I'd say it was the creepy waiter with a crowbar in Carol Vessey's silver Cougar. Carol frantically searches through all of her belongings to make sure everything's there.
The only thing missing is the $1,800 music box.
Carol whines that she's had that music box since she was eight years old, her grandmother gave it to her, blah blah blah. Her friends try to look like they care, but it's obvious they'd much rather be inside finishing their meals than listening to the aging prom queen whine yet again.
The waiter notices Mike's t-shirt and asks "Dukakis?" Mike says, "Yeah, he was the real deal."
We go to opening credits. I pray a silent prayer that the show kicks it up a notch in the guffaw department and QUICKLY.
Commercials. Hannibal comes to theaters nationwide this Friday. Guess what? I'm not going to see it. I've seen episodes of Sesame Street scarier than Silence of the Lambs and have no interest in plunking down a paycheck to be goaded into two hours of mediocrity once again by a revamping of an already boring story trying to pass itself off as "horror." Give me Jerry Springer any day. Now, THAT my friend, is horror.
Back from commercials. The waiter is telling Stuckeyville's police chief that the culprit drove away in a red beetle. Ed asks if it was an old Beetle or new Beetle. The chief spins on his heels and asks Ed, "Who the hell are you? Are you one of the guys I arrested for running hooch up to the border?" Molly asks Nancy, "What border?" Nancy counters with, "What's hooch?" The chief finally recognizes Ed as the bowling alley lawyer, a tag that's seemingly gonna follow Ed to his grave. Ed tells the Chief that he might want to use the "Old Beetle-New Beetle" line of questioning sometime. The waiter says it was a new Beetle. The chief turns to Carol and says, "Ma'am are you sure there was nothing else stolen except the music box?" Ed interjects with, "No, we're sure, it was just the music box." The Chief spins around on his heels again, making him one spin-heel-y kinda guy, and sneers, "Is your name 'ma'am'?" Mike speaks up at this point and says, "Nobody's name is ma'am." The waiter then interrupts with the trivial fact that maybe former first lady Mamie Eisenhower went by "Ma'am." Obviously, the interrogation has now turned into an Abbott and Costello skit. Carol says that she's sure nothing else is missing. Ed asks the waiter if he got a good look at the guy. The chief stares Ed down, conveying the message "Shut the hell up, Bowling Alley Lawyer Guy." Ed pipes down.
Tim Cooper and Jessica and one of Tim's jock friends, Steve, are walking down the street, with Tim badmouthing Tom Green, saying he's nothing more than Lenny Bruce with a video camera. This makes Tim one of the few teens in America who has yet to discover the subtle comedic genius of MTV's Tom Green. Tim is soooo cool and mature. I bet he shaves and everything. A squeaky, puberty-soaked voice hollers out "Jessica!" Who else but Warren Cheswick, Stuckeyville's resident geek and ardent Jessica lover. Jessica asks Warren how he's doing. Warren confirms that he's been working out with his crew, his peeps, his posse. Warren is so uncool that he's actually cool. Wait. Scratch that. He's not really cool. He's just a loser. He asks what they've been doing -- shopping?? Tim holds a paper bag up and says, "Yeah Sherlock...shopping." Warren's self-esteem drops somewhere near a half million points. Warren shows off the patented awkward small talk that he's learned from the Edward J. Stevens School of Awkward Small Talk (TM), when Tim decides to interrupt his meanderings. "Hey Warren, did you get the license plate?" he asks. Warren sees it coming and begs, "Oh c'mon guys...please..." Tim won't let up. "No. Answer the question: Did you get the license plate...of the guy that ran over your face!" Warren feigns amusement at Tim's intricate knowledge of second-grade playground insults. The jocks laugh it up and get in the car with Jessica, leaving Warren to pine for his woman on the sidewalks of Stuckeyville.
Inside Bonnie's office, people are lined up to sell their soul to her. I mean...Ed brings Bonnie some beef jerky to celebrate the fact that they made it through their first date without killing each other. Alas, there's a hidden reason behind the visit. With Carol's precious music box being stolen, Ed solicits Bonnie's help in tracking down the culprit behind this heinous act, since the police are too busy having doughnut-eating contests. Bonnie thinks Carol sounds familiar. Ed tries to paint a picture: "Average height, good teeth." Naturally, he conveniently leaves out "stunningly beautiful and the woman that I had a bad case of the hornies for before your hot ass sauntered into Stuckeyville." Bonnie remembers that she ran into Carol coming out of Ed's office one day and admits that she's cute. Ed is clearly squirming in his seat, having to talk about Carol in front of Bonnie. And, of course, Bonnie is relishing Ed's uncomfortableness, if in fact "uncomfortableness" is a word. "I'll help you with the case of the missing music box," Bonnie assures Ed. I'm no Rhodes scholar, but I've got a feeling Bonnie has something more up her sleeve than just "helping" out Carol. As Ed leaves her office, he suggests that Bonnie tear into her beef jerky. Bonnie admits she's a vegetarian and won't be eating his lovely gift. Okay, right there -- that's reason enough for me to run away screaming. If a woman won't eat meat, she's usually very picky about damned near anything else she puts into her mouth. I speak from experience: guys do NOT date or marry a vegetarian. She will make you pull a Hugh Grant faster than you can say "hummer."
At the bowling alley, Phil is handing out shoes -- one size eight and one size eleven to two identical twins. It's a sight gag that flops miserably and isn't worth delving into here, except that the twins might be fantasy fodder if not for the insane grins plastered across their mugs. Tim, Jessica, and Steve walk up to the counter and want to sign up their team for the bowling league. Phil, who must be having trouble making ends meet on a bowling alley manager's salary, is fishing for some payola from the teens as he says, "It would take someone like Ben Franklin to get your team signed up for League Night." Tim asks, "Why would Benjamin Franklin need to help us? He's dead." Now I get it. Tim's a clueless jock. I sure hope the writers beat us over the head with that fact several hundred more times. Phil drops two more Benjamin Franklin references and Tim finally asks what is up with Ben Franklin. Phil figures out that his not-so-subtle hints are not worth the effort and these morons are not going to be coughing up some bribe bucks, so he signs them up. He asks the name of their team and it's The Whatevers. Phil's impressed with the moniker and says it's very nice...very...detached.
Warren just happens to show up and announces that he's looking to join a league, too, maybe even The Whatevers' team. Sorry Warren...there's already four Whatevers on the team. As The Whatevers walk away, Warren asks "Stubby" if he can pull some strings and get him hooked up on The Whatevers' team. Phil reminds Warren that such an act would go against his ethics. Warren reminds Phil that he just watched him blatantly try to extort $100 from some teenagers who just wanted to bowl. Phil listens to Warren's squeaky voice of reason and decides to drop the whole ethics facade. While there are no other teams or vacancies on teams available, Phil lets Warren join his team, the Bad-ass Cowboys. Phil tells Warren to show up on League Night and "look for the Stetsons" to find them. Warren, channeling the dead spirit of Dale Evans, says "Yippee Ki Yay."
Ed and Mike are in Ed's office discussing Ed's recent date with Bonnie. Ed's about as tight-lipped on the date as G. Gordon Liddy during the Watergate hearings. Mike pleads with Ed to remember all the juicy details the time he gets some Bonnie booty for his sake. Incidentally, Mike's still trying to beat the five-year rule by wearing a "Don't Worry Be Happy" t-shirt that has seen its better days. Carol struts in and says that Chief Spencer has started being extremely helpful in the case of the missing music box, and she has no idea why. Ed admits that he asked Bonnie to put on her snake outfit and coerce the Chief into being helpful. Carol tells Ed to thank Bonnie for her and Ed lights up, thinking of all the nasty little ways he can thank Bonnie. Carol says that the Chief wants to see her and asks Ed and Mike if they want to accompany her to the police station. Mike declines as he's reading a book with his itty-bitty book light, which saves that ingenious contraption for another five years. Ed agrees to accompany Carol to the police station.
Out in the bowling alley, one of the Bad-ass Cowboys is polishing his boots. Warren shows up and the female Cowboy says, "Great. Phil's put a Chinese kid on the team." Warren tries to explain that he's not Chinese, when Phil walks up, introduces Warren to his new teammates Harold and Trish, and then suggests that Warren offer to get the Cowboys something from the Snack Bar. Warren, feeling like a gopher, asks quietly if they want anything. The lady wants him to see if they have any bundt cake. This is intended to be funny, but I've eaten my share of bowling alley bundt cake, and believe you me, some of those cakes put Sara Lee's dry bullshit cakes to shame. Harold tells Warren to surprise him with whatever he brings back. Warren begins to ponder how can he surprise Harold when he doesn't even know what Harold likes, but Phil slaps a Stetson on him and tells him to "earn [his] bones." Warren looks dejected and saunters off to get the bundt cake and surprise while Phil stands there in his Stetson, chewing on a strand of hay and looking like a true Bad-ass cowboy.
Carol and Ed are then shown walking through the police station to Chief Spencer's office. Carol thinks that she should repay Bonnie with a lovely picture frame or a gift certificate for lighting a fire under Spencer's lazy ass. They walk into his office and Spencer greets Ed with, "There he is -- the man with the special connections. The guy who can pull strings...make City Hall dance the Macarena." Ed apologizes and tries to explain that the music box is very important to Carol, that's why he enlisted the help of Bonnie "The Boa" Hane. Spencer says, "Nooooo...I LOVE being pushed around by thirty-year-old district attorneys. Gets my heart pumping." The waiter is there already, looking about as shifty as Steve Buscemi. Carol asks if they've found anybody yet, and Spencer says that there are six Beetles registered in Stuckeyville and pulls out pictures of all six owners. "That's the guy!" the waiter says, pointing at the first picture. "That's a woman," the Chief says. A close-up is shown of Stuckeyville's resident bull dyke and what a handsome bull dyke she is. The waiter then apologizes and admits he recognizes her from his yoga class. Carol shuffles through the photos and says, "This guy looks familiar." The waiter agrees because he's quick to pin the blame on anyone and steer the attention off of himself. The person in question is Matt Roberts. "Bring him in," Ed says. "Not so fast," Spencer says. "I've got to talk to your girlfriend the D.A. first." Ed tries to laugh off the whole "girlfriend" remark in front of Carol, but he fails miserably. Carol tries to look like she's not uncomfortable with talk of Ed having a girlfriend, but she fails miserably as well. In fact, she looks like she just laid a brick in her granny panties.
We then slam head-on into a slew of commercials.
Over at Carol's house, she and Molly are preparing a gourmet meal which means Carol will be lucky to get three bites. They both start prattling on about the Food Network's Iron Chef and how one of the guys on the show recently got cocky with clams. Carol mentions that she thinks Bonnie Hane is attractive. Molly's taken aback and says that she almost got conversation whiplash. Carol says she's smart, too. Molly says she's about to say something that she's never said before: "Don't go there girlfriend." It lacks any kind of luster that it should have held because Molly is no Oprah. Carol thinks that Ed and Bonnie are great for each other: they're two lawyers, they could have in-depth lawyer conversations, stuff like that. Molly says she has three things to tell Carol. "One: I love you like a sister. Two: you're being insane, and three: it's impossible for a single man and a single woman to just be friends. Talented writer / director Nora Ephron has proven that point several times."
Before America begins switching channels away from the boring and tedious combo of Carol and Molly, we find ourselves back in the bowling alley. Bonnie is telling Ed that they don't have enough evidence to pin on Matt Roberts as the notorious music box thief. He's a fifty-two-year-old crossing guard with no criminal record. And to make matters worse, the Chief is now mad at Bonnie because she pushed him into questioning Roberts. They begin to argue because she vehemently pushed for the guy that re-fed parking meters to get busted but won't lay the smack down on this guy. Ed thinks that Bonnie doesn't want to pursue it because of Carol, and says in a pouting voice to not bring the guy in then. "Ed, why do you care about the music box so much?" she asks. Ed admits he's just trying to help a friend. Bonnie flashes that look that says, "I could eat you up and regurgitate your bones into Satan's gaping mouth if I wanted to."
Have I mentioned that I think Bonnie is somewhat evil??
Ed and Mike are then shown hiding behind a tree in a park with a video camera, attempting to get some footage of Matt Roberts, renowned music box stealing suspect / world's oldest school crossing guard. Mike begins to bet Ed $10 and Ed interrupts him by saying they don't have time for a $10 bet right now. Mike grins and says that he'll give Ed $10 if he'll walk over to a man sitting on a bench and touch his bald spot. Ed storms over to the man, extends his finger, and presses the man's bald spot for two seconds. Without explanation, he storms back over to Mike hiding behind the tree. "You didn't even get embarrassed," Mike says looking like a whipped puppy. With Mike filming the whole thing, Ed walks past Matt mumbling the words, "Music Box, music box, music box." Matt doesn't hear him. So Ed walks BACK past him saying "music box" louder. This time, Matt is taken aback slightly and stares at him. Ed walks over to Mike and asks if he got it all. Mike says he did and they leave.
At the bowling alley, Trish is reaming Warren because he forgot her fried calamari, which she pronounces "Cali-Mary." Finally, Warren loses it and says it's pronounced "calamari." The woman gets defensive and says that the Chinese kid is now trying to teach her how to speak English. When Warren tries to defend himself, Harold points at Warren and says, "Watch your mouth, boy. You're talking to a lady." Warren asserts that he's finally made it to hell on earth, while Tim Cooper is practically butt-humping Jessica in the adjacent lane, trying to teach her how to bowl. Phil decides that it's now time to impart some wisdom to Warren that he once read on a bedroom poster in the 1970s. "If you love something, set it free," he tells Warren. "If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." The older Cowboy says wistfully, "You're a damned poet, Phil."
In Ed's office, Mike and Ed are watching a chicken cook on a rotisserie that Mike has saved from the five-year rule. Mike's wearing a Falcone t-shirt that Ed quizzes him about. Mike reminds Ed that Falcone was the best mafia show ever to be on television. "What about The Sopranos?" Ed asks. "Some people like Pepsi, some people like Coke," Mike reasons. Bonnie waltzes in, wanting to see the grand piece of evidence that Ed has dug up on Matt Roberts. Ed pulls out the videotape and pops it into the VCR and the three of them watch the tape. Ed points out how Matt flinches when Ed keeps saying "music box, music box, music box." Bonnie reminds Ed that even if Matt flinched, they still have no case. But she's going to have the police question Matt Roberts and SHE is going to question Carol Vessey. Ed thinks that he can answer any questions for Carol, but Bonnie smiles and says she has a lot of questions she needs to ask Carol. She then leaves. Mike says out loud, "I'm a happily married man." Ed says he knows that. Mike says he wasn't talking to Ed; he was talking to himself.
More commercials. The XFL is the greatest thing in the world. NBC just thought you might need to know that.
Bonnie's in her office when Carol and Ed show up. The girls shake hands and then the air sees more tension than Roseanne Barr's box springs. Carol tells Bonnie that she has good news: she remembers where she's seen Matt Roberts before. He was in the jewelry store listening in on the conversation about the worth of her box. Bonnie asks Carol how she plans on explaining this piece of information to the chief after not remembering it earlier. Carol says she'll just tell him that she sees a lot of people every day and can't remember them all because people are everywhere. That Carol. She's about as sharp as silly putty. Bonnie says, "Maybe you can both work on that alibi," and thanks them for coming to see her. The gals size each other up while Ed sweats like a whore in church.
In court, Matt Roberts is on the stand. His alibi is that he was at Hurley's Bar, sipping Rob Roys and watching Dennis the Menace on TV. It was the episode where Dennis spilled some root beer on Mr. Wilson's couch. The judge asks if anyone can vouch for him, and his attorney says that the bartender Jim Russell has already vouched for him. According to the police report, he already has. It's then Bonnie's turn to grill Roberts. She tries to get Roberts to admit that he and the bartender are friends. Bonnie points out that the two are in the same hunting club. She asks if Matt considers Russell a good friend. Roberts gets ticked off and threatens Bonnie with, "If you're calling me a liar, you'd better be prepared to back it up." Bonnie wisely decides to end her interrogation about sixty-five questions early.
At the bowling alley, Carol is gushing to Molly, Ed, and everyone who will listen to her former cheerleader self that Bonnie Hane's a great woman. In fact, her work is downright inspiring. Warren walks up and says, "Evening ladies...Eric." Ed corrects him on the "Eric" line with "Ed." Warren blows Ed off and orders three kielbasa plates toot sweeeeee...as he spots Jessica in all her early Carol Vessey glory. Ed asks Warren if he'd like to take Jessica's order, giving him the chance for a little verbal interaction. He acts like he was just told to inspect her panties. Jessica orders two hot dogs with mustard and relish. Warren hollers out, "Yo grill boy, need a double dachshund with yellow neckties and green suspenders," and blows it off as "grill talk." Just as he's scoring some serious greasy hot dog points with Jessica, Trish walks up and asks "Lucky Charms" where her kielbasa plate is -- and this time don't forget the Funyuns. "Why'd she call you 'Lucky Charms'?" Jessica asks. "She didn't," Warren lies. "She was just ordering cereal. She's crazy."
Carol is still bitching to Ed about wanting her music box, like Ed is some sort of superhero that can just go and retrieve it from wherever it may be. No wonder he's seeking comfort in the arms of another cold-hearted bitch. Ed comforts Carol by saying he has a gut feeling that Matt Roberts is lying, and he's going to pay a visit to Hurley's.
Ed goes to Hurley's and walks up to the gruff character behind the bar. "Excuse me barkeep," he starts, and then finds himself in a query. "Do people still use that word -- 'barkeep'?" The barkeep says that they do and asks Ed if he wants a drink. Ed says yes please. After a long, uncomfortable silence, the barkeep asks, "What do you want?" Ed orders a martini, dry. The barkeep pours him a shot in a glass and Ed spouts off, "Feel free to hold the vermouth." The barkeep then goes into a venomous diatribe on how they don't have vermouth, peppermint schnapps, or that green melon-flavored crap. They have whiskey, tequila, and gin and that's it. Drink up or get lost. Ed drinks up.
Back at the bowling alley, Warren is begging his teammates not to call him Lucky Charms in front of Jessica. Trish deducts that Lucky's got a girlfriend. Harold says, "I thought you were gay." Warren is mortified and asks, "Why?" Harold shrugs and says, "I just assumed."
Back at the bar, Ed tells the barkeep that "Matt says hi" and that he and Matt are good friends -- they used to hunt moose together. The barkeep corrects him and says Matt hunts goose, not moose. Ed recovers quickly and says, "Matt says thanks for what you did, and needs you to keep it on the Q.T." Ed then explains in proverbs exactly what he means. One turn deserves another. One hand washes the other. A stitch in time saves nine, my friend...The barkeep tells Ed to "get out." Ed says "okay" and vamooses.
In court and on the stand is the waiter from the restaurant, Guzman. The defense lawyer asks Guzman how he can be so sure that the person he saw is Matt Roberts, when he saw him from 150 feet. Guzman determines that what they're trying to do is railroad him like that scene from My Cousin Vinny. He reiterates that he's pretty sure that he saw Roberts there. The defense says that the bartender at Hurley's is VERY sure that he saw Matt Roberts on his stool having a drink at that time. Bonnie whispers to Ed that she doesn't like to lose. It makes her all mad and stuff. Ed says he has to go check something out and excuses himself, leaving Carol and Bonnie together at the table, which is about the absolute stupidest thing Ed has ever done. Bonnie leans over and says to Carol, "You like him, don't you." Carol is taken aback that it's that noticeable and counters with, "We're just friends." Bonnie is intrigued and says, "Really?" Carol says, "Yes. We're just buddies." Carol then mentally kicks herself in the ass for ever laying that whole "we're just friends" trip on Ed.
Ed runs into the bowling alley where Mike has set up his world-famous huge collection of hilarious drinking birds that he has allowed Ed to inherit. There must be seventy-five of those stupid little birds everywhere in Ed's office, each one dipping into their respective glasses of water and drinking. Ed says he doesn't want the birds as he stares at a book full of bartender recipes. Mike feels a tad ignorant, which is about thirty years overdue.
Ed goes to track down Roberts at his crossing-guard post and asks to speak to him. Roberts tries to say he's busy directing traffic in front of an elementary school. Ed drops the bomb that Rob Roys are made with scotch and vermouth. Hurley's doesn't carry vermouth. Ed knows this because he tried to order a martini, and the barkeep told him they didn't have vermouth. So Matt was LYING about the Rob Roys. Ed tells him that if he happens to find Carol's music box on his desk, he'll make sure that the D.A. will take it easy on him. Matt still swears that he didn't steal it. Ed reminds him that the "D.A. is a real killer" and walks away. Matt looks shaken. I'm no Perry Mason, but I'm beginning to think the shifty waiter may not have had anything to do with the Case of the Missing Music Box and that ol' Matt may have stolen the box.
Jeezum Crow...more commercials. I thought for a second that Penn killed Teller for eating a piece of stuffed crust pizza, but it was just another crazy stunt those two have come up with. Gosh. Siegfried and Roy have nothing on these freaks.
Warren is shown at the bowling alley, preparing to roll his ball. He goes into a long soliloquy in a fake British accent about bowling, which impresses Jessica but no one else. Tim Cooper tells him to shut up and bowl. Harold asks Tim if that's his Lexus out in the parking lot. Tim says yes. The Cowboy nods his head in approval and says, "That's one happening ride." Tim's chest swells with idiotic jock pride.
Matt Roberts slumps into Ed's office and hands over the music box. Matt is embarrassed and ashamed, explaining how times are tough, his mother busted her hip, he's $10,000 in debt, his mini-van was repossessed and he was in the store and when he heard how much it was worth. Well, now he can't sleep at night. He asks Ed to help him. Ed says he'll talk to the D.A. and tells Matt that he did the right thing.
Inside the bowling alley, Tim and Warren approach their respective alleys. Tim tells "Lucky Charms" that he should go first. Tim's buddies hear Warren's nickname and start hooting, "Let's go Lucky! Let's go Lucky!" Even Phil starts chiming in, which humiliates Warren. Phil is mock shocked, saying, "What? I was being sincere!" Tim keeps talking smack while Warren tries to concentrate on rolling the ball. Warren rolls and knocks over one pin, which has Cooper and his friends in hysterics. Harold tells Trish he's going outside to smoke. "You can smoke in the alley," Trish says. "I know, but this time I choose to smoke outside," Harold says. Nothing like a little bowling alley skullduggery to make the show go by quicker.
Ed goes to Carol's and gives her the music box. Carol is overjoyed and wants to hear the whole story on how he got it back, but it's a long story and Ed has a...thing. Carol interprets "thing" as "date with Bonnie" and says they'll talk later. She then says goodbye and closes the door. Ed stands there for a second, wanting to plead with Carol that she had her chance and blew him off and what was he supposed to do, stay single and date nobody until she finally figured out that he was the man for her, IF she ever did? But he doesn't say any of this and instead walks slowly away from her front door.
The bowling teams are walking out of the alley with Trish telling the kids that the Bad-ass Cowboys put a hurt on them. Trish says she used to be just like these kids -- spending her days at the dog track, eating fried chicken out of the bucket. She weighed 328 lbs until Phil gave her her self-esteem back. Phil says he can do the same for these kids if they'd just give him half a chance. The kid says, "You people are creeping me out" and walks away. Maybe someday the relationship between a 328 lb. Trish and Phil, along with his ability to get her self-esteem back, will worm its way into a storyline. God, I hope not.
Harold then gives Warren some Binaca. "You may need that," he tells Warren. Warren asks why. "For when you drive her home tonight," he says, gesturing toward Jessica. Warren grins and gets a couple of good pumps of Binaca cascading through his system.
Tim Cooper's car smokes and fizzles out as he tries to start it up. Warren grins, walks up to the car, knocks on the window, and asks Jessica if he can give her a ride home. She asks Tim and he's more concerned with his prized Lexus than a booty call and just tells her to go with Warren. Phil walks up to Harold and says, "Nicely done, Harold." "Get your hands off me," Harold sneers at Phil.
Bonnie and Ed are at the bowling alley bowling after hours. Ed informs Bonnie that this is one of the fringe benefits of owning a bowling alley. Bonnie asks if he lets all his women put their head under the nacho cheese dispenser and eat straight from the pump. Ed tells Bonnie that Roberts confessed and gave back the music box and that he's sorry. Ed now feels bad about the guy and asks Bonnie to take it easy on him. Bonnie says "no way" and that Roberts belongs behind bars. Ed tells Bonnie that he had told Roberts that he'd help him out by talking to her and asking her to take it easy on him. "Are you delirious?" Bonnie asks Ed. This leads to a huge argument. Ed asks her to give Matt probation, and Bonnie tells Ed that he has just demonstrated the textbook definition of writing a check that his ass can't cash. Which brought back painful memories of the time I downed a bottle of Jack Daniels, went to my local bank, and tried unsuccessfully to have my ass cash a check. Lemme tell ya, those drunk tanks aren't as fun as they sound.
Warren and Jessica are parked outside her home when he asks if he can ask her a question -- that question being, "If she ever got tired of dating Tim, would she ever consider dating a loser?" She laughs and tells Warren he's not a loser. Warren disagrees, knowing full well that he's a loser and is just riding the wave of loserdom. Jessica leans over and kisses Warren on the cheek and bids him good night. Warren is so shocked by the kiss that he turns the key in the ignition while it's already running, getting that grinding noise. As he pulls off, you can hear him screaming "OH YEAH!!!" and laughing maniacally.
In court, Roberts is found guilty of theft and shall be put to death. Bonnie jumps up and says that since he confessed, the prosecution would like for the judge to be lenient and offer him six months probation. The judge adds that Roberts needs to keep his paws off other people's knickknacks. Roberts assures the judge that he will do just that. Carol's confused and says that she thought Bonnie'd be going for the maximum penalty against Roberts. Bonnie says that she changed her mind. That's what women do...right?? Carol knows exactly what she means, since she's now changed her mind and wants to engage in a severe boinking fest with Edward J. Stevens now that someone else wants him.
The last five minutes that NBC warned us about…
Bonnie shows up at Ed's house. She tells Ed that he might want to know that she suggested probation for Matt "The Music Box Thief" Roberts. Ed says it's a miracle -- he finally talked her into something. She says, "What are you talking about, it's what I was going to do all along." Ed says why didn't she just say so. She says she didn't want him thinking he could influence her decision. Ed's flabbergasted and says that they've been fighting for no reason. Then there's a lot of screaming. Ed steps out onto the front porch, closing the door behind him. He has come to the decision that he's tired of her little games. She leans into him and starts kissing him. This is exactly what Ed's talking about. It's not normal human behavior and he thinks that their relationship would be better served if...awwww...screw it. They share a deep, soul-stirring kiss. Nothing we haven't seen already from these two deprived sex maniacs. Bonnie suggests that they go inside where it's warm. Ed agrees, except he's accidentally locked them both out. "Don't worry, Mike lives just across the street, he has a spare key," Ed says. "Maybe I should go, it's getting late," Bonnie says, temporarily killing any momentum that Ed has managed to muster. Ed decides to use his secret method of entering the house, which consists of throwing a flower pot through the window. He then climbs in and unlocks the door. They are then shown sharing one long breath-taking kiss as they move from room to room.
There's a knock on the door. Ohmigod!! It must be Carol!! That's what NBC was warning us about!! Ed tells Bonnie he'll be right back. He goes to the door and it's...Mike with an old Bobby Hull table hockey game. Mike insists that Ed play it with him right now to save the game from the five-year rule. Ed informs Mike that he has bigger fish to fry...namely Bonnie Hane. Mike grins that huge grin and says, "Tonight's the night young Edward J. Stevens becomes a MAN!!" Ed grins, Mike leaves, and Ed walks back inside. Through the broken window, we see Ed leading Bonnie upstairs by the hand. That's where the show ends.
Soooo...the last five minutes of the show let us know that Edward J. Stevens was finally gonna place a booty call and not get "booty call waiting" for the first time in Stuckeyville.
Two words: anti-climactic. Or is that one word??