The Music Box

Carol and Ed are then shown walking through the police station to Chief Spencer's office. Carol thinks that she should repay Bonnie with a lovely picture frame or a gift certificate for lighting a fire under Spencer's lazy ass. They walk into his office and Spencer greets Ed with, "There he is -- the man with the special connections. The guy who can pull strings...make City Hall dance the Macarena." Ed apologizes and tries to explain that the music box is very important to Carol, that's why he enlisted the help of Bonnie "The Boa" Hane. Spencer says, "Nooooo...I LOVE being pushed around by thirty-year-old district attorneys. Gets my heart pumping." The waiter is there already, looking about as shifty as Steve Buscemi. Carol asks if they've found anybody yet, and Spencer says that there are six Beetles registered in Stuckeyville and pulls out pictures of all six owners. "That's the guy!" the waiter says, pointing at the first picture. "That's a woman," the Chief says. A close-up is shown of Stuckeyville's resident bull dyke and what a handsome bull dyke she is. The waiter then apologizes and admits he recognizes her from his yoga class. Carol shuffles through the photos and says, "This guy looks familiar." The waiter agrees because he's quick to pin the blame on anyone and steer the attention off of himself. The person in question is Matt Roberts. "Bring him in," Ed says. "Not so fast," Spencer says. "I've got to talk to your girlfriend the D.A. first." Ed tries to laugh off the whole "girlfriend" remark in front of Carol, but he fails miserably. Carol tries to look like she's not uncomfortable with talk of Ed having a girlfriend, but she fails miserably as well. In fact, she looks like she just laid a brick in her granny panties.

We then slam head-on into a slew of commercials.

Over at Carol's house, she and Molly are preparing a gourmet meal which means Carol will be lucky to get three bites. They both start prattling on about the Food Network's Iron Chef and how one of the guys on the show recently got cocky with clams. Carol mentions that she thinks Bonnie Hane is attractive. Molly's taken aback and says that she almost got conversation whiplash. Carol says she's smart, too. Molly says she's about to say something that she's never said before: "Don't go there girlfriend." It lacks any kind of luster that it should have held because Molly is no Oprah. Carol thinks that Ed and Bonnie are great for each other: they're two lawyers, they could have in-depth lawyer conversations, stuff like that. Molly says she has three things to tell Carol. "One: I love you like a sister. Two: you're being insane, and three: it's impossible for a single man and a single woman to just be friends. Talented writer / director Nora Ephron has proven that point several times."

Before America begins switching channels away from the boring and tedious combo of Carol and Molly, we find ourselves back in the bowling alley. Bonnie is telling Ed that they don't have enough evidence to pin on Matt Roberts as the notorious music box thief. He's a fifty-two-year-old crossing guard with no criminal record. And to make matters worse, the Chief is now mad at Bonnie because she pushed him into questioning Roberts. They begin to argue because she vehemently pushed for the guy that re-fed parking meters to get busted but won't lay the smack down on this guy. Ed thinks that Bonnie doesn't want to pursue it because of Carol, and says in a pouting voice to not bring the guy in then. "Ed, why do you care about the music box so much?" she asks. Ed admits he's just trying to help a friend. Bonnie flashes that look that says, "I could eat you up and regurgitate your bones into Satan's gaping mouth if I wanted to."

Have I mentioned that I think Bonnie is somewhat evil??

Ed and Mike are then shown hiding behind a tree in a park with a video camera, attempting to get some footage of Matt Roberts, renowned music box stealing suspect / world's oldest school crossing guard. Mike begins to bet Ed $10 and Ed interrupts him by saying they don't have time for a $10 bet right now. Mike grins and says that he'll give Ed $10 if he'll walk over to a man sitting on a bench and touch his bald spot. Ed storms over to the man, extends his finger, and presses the man's bald spot for two seconds. Without explanation, he storms back over to Mike hiding behind the tree. "You didn't even get embarrassed," Mike says looking like a whipped puppy. With Mike filming the whole thing, Ed walks past Matt mumbling the words, "Music Box, music box, music box." Matt doesn't hear him. So Ed walks BACK past him saying "music box" louder. This time, Matt is taken aback slightly and stares at him. Ed walks over to Mike and asks if he got it all. Mike says he did and they leave.

At the bowling alley, Trish is reaming Warren because he forgot her fried calamari, which she pronounces "Cali-Mary." Finally, Warren loses it and says it's pronounced "calamari." The woman gets defensive and says that the Chinese kid is now trying to teach her how to speak English. When Warren tries to defend himself, Harold points at Warren and says, "Watch your mouth, boy. You're talking to a lady." Warren asserts that he's finally made it to hell on earth, while Tim Cooper is practically butt-humping Jessica in the adjacent lane, trying to teach her how to bowl. Phil decides that it's now time to impart some wisdom to Warren that he once read on a bedroom poster in the 1970s. "If you love something, set it free," he tells Warren. "If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." The older Cowboy says wistfully, "You're a damned poet, Phil."

In Ed's office, Mike and Ed are watching a chicken cook on a rotisserie that Mike has saved from the five-year rule. Mike's wearing a Falcone t-shirt that Ed quizzes him about. Mike reminds Ed that Falcone was the best mafia show ever to be on television. "What about The Sopranos?" Ed asks. "Some people like Pepsi, some people like Coke," Mike reasons. Bonnie waltzes in, wanting to see the grand piece of evidence that Ed has dug up on Matt Roberts. Ed pulls out the videotape and pops it into the VCR and the three of them watch the tape. Ed points out how Matt flinches when Ed keeps saying "music box, music box, music box." Bonnie reminds Ed that even if Matt flinched, they still have no case. But she's going to have the police question Matt Roberts and SHE is going to question Carol Vessey. Ed thinks that he can answer any questions for Carol, but Bonnie smiles and says she has a lot of questions she needs to ask Carol. She then leaves. Mike says out loud, "I'm a happily married man." Ed says he knows that. Mike says he wasn't talking to Ed; he was talking to himself.

More commercials. The XFL is the greatest thing in the world. NBC just thought you might need to know that.

Bonnie's in her office when Carol and Ed show up. The girls shake hands and then the air sees more tension than Roseanne Barr's box springs. Carol tells Bonnie that she has good news: she remembers where she's seen Matt Roberts before. He was in the jewelry store listening in on the conversation about the worth of her box. Bonnie asks Carol how she plans on explaining this piece of information to the chief after not remembering it earlier. Carol says she'll just tell him that she sees a lot of people every day and can't remember them all because people are everywhere. That Carol. She's about as sharp as silly putty. Bonnie says, "Maybe you can both work on that alibi," and thanks them for coming to see her. The gals size each other up while Ed sweats like a whore in church.

In court, Matt Roberts is on the stand. His alibi is that he was at Hurley's Bar, sipping Rob Roys and watching Dennis the Menace on TV. It was the episode where Dennis spilled some root beer on Mr. Wilson's couch. The judge asks if anyone can vouch for him, and his attorney says that the bartender Jim Russell has already vouched for him. According to the police report, he already has. It's then Bonnie's turn to grill Roberts. She tries to get Roberts to admit that he and the bartender are friends. Bonnie points out that the two are in the same hunting club. She asks if Matt considers Russell a good friend. Roberts gets ticked off and threatens Bonnie with, "If you're calling me a liar, you'd better be prepared to back it up." Bonnie wisely decides to end her interrogation about sixty-five questions early.

In court and on the stand is the waiter from the restaurant, Guzman. The defense lawyer asks Guzman how he can be so sure that the person he saw is Matt Roberts, when he saw him from 150 feet. Guzman determines that what they're trying to do is railroad him like that scene from My Cousin Vinny. He reiterates that he's pretty sure that he saw Roberts there. The defense says that the bartender at Hurley's is VERY sure that he saw Matt Roberts on his stool having a drink at that time. Bonnie whispers to Ed that she doesn't like to lose. It makes her all mad and stuff. Ed says he has to go check something out and excuses himself, leaving Carol and Bonnie together at the table, which is about the absolute stupidest thing Ed has ever done. Bonnie leans over and says to Carol, "You like him, don't you." Carol is taken aback that it's that noticeable and counters with, "We're just friends." Bonnie is intrigued and says, "Really?" Carol says, "Yes. We're just buddies." Carol then mentally kicks herself in the ass for ever laying that whole "we're just friends" trip on Ed.

Ed runs into the bowling alley where Mike has set up his world-famous huge collection of hilarious drinking birds that he has allowed Ed to inherit. There must be seventy-five of those stupid little birds everywhere in Ed's office, each one dipping into their respective glasses of water and drinking. Ed says he doesn't want the birds as he stares at a book full of bartender recipes. Mike feels a tad ignorant, which is about thirty years overdue.

Ed goes to track down Roberts at his crossing-guard post and asks to speak to him. Roberts tries to say he's busy directing traffic in front of an elementary school. Ed drops the bomb that Rob Roys are made with scotch and vermouth. Hurley's doesn't carry vermouth. Ed knows this because he tried to order a martini, and the barkeep told him they didn't have vermouth. So Matt was LYING about the Rob Roys. Ed tells him that if he happens to find Carol's music box on his desk, he'll make sure that the D.A. will take it easy on him. Matt still swears that he didn't steal it. Ed reminds him that the "D.A. is a real killer" and walks away. Matt looks shaken. I'm no Perry Mason, but I'm beginning to think the shifty waiter may not have had anything to do with the Case of the Missing Music Box and that ol' Matt may have stolen the box.

Jeezum Crow...more commercials. I thought for a second that Penn killed Teller for eating a piece of stuffed crust pizza, but it was just another crazy stunt those two have come up with. Gosh. Siegfried and Roy have nothing on these freaks.

Warren is shown at the bowling alley, preparing to roll his ball. He goes into a long soliloquy in a fake British accent about bowling, which impresses Jessica but no one else. Tim Cooper tells him to shut up and bowl. Harold asks Tim if that's his Lexus out in the parking lot. Tim says yes. The Cowboy nods his head in approval and says, "That's one happening ride." Tim's chest swells with idiotic jock pride.