Here we go 'round the Edberry Bush so early in the morrrrning. Sorry, folks...in a last-ditch effort to get rid of this nagging cough from hell, I have upped my dosage of prescription cough syrup to "Lethal." Yes -- this could turn out to be the most exciting ride since "It's A Small World" opened up.
Now then...onto this week's exciting episode of Edward....
Ed opens with the now prerequisite "Previously on Ed" recap. In a nutshell, Ed has fallen for Bonnie; Carol's not thrilled about it; and the concept of "Wall-to-Wall Whores" to boost attendance in the bowling alley, raised in Episode One, has still not been pursued, which leaves Uncle Bob a very sad man indeed.
We kick off the show with Ed and Bonnie waking up in bed together. Oh, that's great "family" material, NBC: two unmarried people having the sex thang. If I were any more of a prude, I'd be scraping my eyeballs with a spackler right about now. And in case there's no such thing as a spackler and it's a word I just made up due to the excessive amounts of cough syrup I just ingested, substitute the words "pointy-assed stick" in its place, please. Ed asks Bonnie whether she's ready for his traditional morning-after joke. She says she is. He holds out his hand and says "Hi, I'm Ed Stevens. And you are...?" Bonnie chuckles more than she probably should. She's probably heard that same line in the same situation hundreds of times before and, yes, I'm insinuating that Bonnie is a whore...got a problem with that?! Ed asks how she likes her eggs, and then guesses "Denver omelet." Bonnie shoots down Ed's egg plans by saying that she has to get to work and catch up on some stuff, about which she doesn't go into great detail. Sounds to me like the traditional morning-after blow-off. I've heard enough of those to recognize them a mile away. Ed tries to talk her into eating one of his Denver omelets, which is the only breakfast named after the mile-high city, but she gets up out of bed and starts getting dressed. Ed looks dejected, sad, and pissed that he bought all those eggs for naught.
At the bowling alley, Ed's taking care of business when Mike walks in. Mike wants to know how the night went with Bonnie. Ed says great. Mike wants to know on a scale of one to ten, and Ed says, "Eleven." But he's giving himself an eleven, not Bonnie. Ouch. Mike reminds Ed that he's married, and that he needs adjectives and adverbs like "blood-curdling" and "passionless." Ed says that he doesn't think that sleeping with Bonnie was such a good idea, after all. Mike looks at his watch and documents the time and date as the day Edward J. Stevens became a homosexual. Mike offers Ed his full support towards his new lifestyle. Ed explains that he and Bonnie have nothing in common, and that he doesn't see a future with her. Mike asks whether Ed's going to tell Carol, and Ed says he isn't, because she went nuts on him the last time when he didn't tell her about Bonnie. Shirley brings Ed his Denver omelet, and Mike grabs it and begins chowing down as if it were for him. Ed looks depressed again. This is twice that Ed has looked down and out, and the opening credits haven't even run yet.
Wait. There are the opening credits. I spoke too soon.
Commercials. Oh, shit. There's something even worse than PMS out there. It's PMDD: Prementstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I swear to God, if any of you people email my wife to tell her about this, I will hunt you down like a rabid dog. She doesn't need to know about stuff like this, because she will claim to have it and then starting aiming guns at my head once a month. Oh wait. There's a cure: Sarafem. Never mind.
Back in the bowling alley, Ed walks in as Phil and Shirley set up folding chairs. Ed asks what's going on, and Phil welcomes him to the "Phil Stubbs Love-Atorium." Shirley throws a handful of glitter in the air to emphasize the importance of the name. Phil explains that, with Valentine's Day right around the corner, this is a good way for lonely Stuckeyvillians to hook up and get some righteous sex on the big day. Ed stops him and says that -- instead of Phil's explaining this latest idea, Ed's shooting it down, and Phil's just doing it anyway -- Phil should just name his price on how much he thinks this will make, and Ed will give him that amount right now. Phil smiles and says, "It's like watching a little six-year-old trying to buy a whole candy store with a handful of pennies," which means...there is no price for Phil's latest idea. Nancy walks in and needs to speak to Ed. Phil gets all slimy grubby toward Nancy, telling her to come by later tonight if she's looking for action. She brings up the fact that she's married, and Phil says that everyone needs a little something on the "schnide." I think he meant "side," but Phil's too cool to actually say "side." Hence...my strictly heterosexual love affair with this man. Anyway, Nancy wants to talk to Ed about Rev. Carver, who's been ousted from the pulpit by the president of the church.
Ed and Nancy walk to the church, reminiscing about Rev. Carver and how great he is. He married Mike and Nancy, as well as Ed and Liz. Nancy slips Ed a note from Mike that reads, "Ten dollars if you call Rev. Carver 'Padre.'" Ed laughs. I post this week's $10 bet on the graph that I keep above my desk of all the $10 bets issued so far, and note a steady decline in the hilarity involved with each passing week.
They bust up all in the church and Rev. Carver is speaking to a less-than-packed house. Timothy McVeigh will probably have more people at his wake than the number of people here. Rev. Carver is played by Charles S. Dutton, the guy who played Roc oh so many years ago. I used to love Roc. Watching that show made me feel proud of my African-American heritage. Granted, I'm a fat, middle-aged white guy. But my great, great-grandfather once slept with a black woman, and I think that's reason enough for me to proclaim "Black Power!" at the top of my lungs, and mean it, sister. Carver is talking some trash about Ralph Waldo Emerson, and it's so incredibly boring that the show smartly keeps his sermon in the background while Ed and Nancy converse.
After the sermon, Nancy and Ed greet the Reverend. He seems to be a super guy, asking how Nancy's "big goofy husband" is doing. Nancy introduces Ed, who used to sing in the choir and had a voice like a goat with a tracheotomy. Ouch. Then again, if the good Reverend would spice up his sermons with vicious slams like that, he might just have a congregation to whom to preach. Ed blows off this nasty little dig at his singing voice, and asks the Reverend if the scuttlebutt on the street about his being canned is true. The Reverend confirms that the rumors are true, saying that attendance is down; the President of the church doesn't feel Rev. Carter's doing enough to boost attendance, and that it's time to get someone a bit flashier in the position. It comes out that Dick Knight is the president. This is the same Dick Knight that sells used cars in town. Yes...a used-car salesman also serves as the president of a church, which means that Stuckeyville is actually the portal to Hell. Ed assures Rev. Carver that he will talk to Dick Knight, and see if he can change his tune, adding, "...Padre." After Ed says "Padre," there's a long, uncomfortable silence. Rev. Carver finally says, "You've been watching too many episodes of M*A*S*H*, haven't you?" Ed, who will latch onto any excuse given to him at this point, says, "Yes sir," just to ease the humiliation.
The girls are having lunch with Ed and grilling him about his date with Bonnie. Ed finally caves and says he picked Bonnie up and that they went to the drive-in movie, where they held hands the entire time. Afterward, they went out for some ice-cream sodas and met up with Archie and Jughead and then went to Inspiration Point, where they necked. The girls are kinda dejected that the words "rock-hard penis" didn't materialize anywhere in his description. Ed tries to blow off the whole night as "nothing special." Ed's obviously pissed that Bonnie didn't stay for eggs.
Back in his office, Ed's working when a pounding on the window is heard. It's Dick Knight, who just happens to be the best friend of Harry Balls and Jack Hoff. This guy is too, too pushy. Dick grabs Ed by the arm and says that they need to go outside to help get rid of Ed's hangover. Ed says that he doesn't have a hangover, but Dick doesn't listen and pulls him outside anyway. Whaddayaknow -- there's a new little sports car in the parking lot of Stuckey Bowl, and Dick insists that Ed get inside. Ed says he's not buying a car, and Dick utters his trademark line, "And I'm not selling you one." Ed brings up Rev. Carver, and Dick says he's a nice guy, but that doesn't put asses in the pews. Ed tries to save Rev. Carver's job but Dick says that he's not living up to his contract, and that if they don't have people in the pews, they lose money. Dick brings up Rev. Porter, a more flashy minister on the other side of town. That guy knows how to draw a crowd, according to Dick Knight, who tells Ed to go check him out, and to go enjoy that car. Ed reiterates that he's not buying the car and Dick yells, "I'm not selling it!" over his shoulder as he runs out of the parking lot.