First off, I'd like to thank Heathen for stepping in for me last week and doing a fantastic job on the Ed recap. My local NBC affiliate deemed college basketball a little bit more important than the weekly hijinks of the citizens of Stuckeyville, and I was left in the lurch. I protested outside the TV station with a small sign saying "Down With Basketball, Up With Ed" until I realized that I was alone in my quest to change the station manager's mind and drove home in shame.
Second...I'm battling a sinus infection right now that has me feverish and testy. It's 42 degrees in this house; I'm sweating; I'm a grown man and I feel like crying. I'm making no apologies for what is written here today, if you don't like it, bite my ass. I'm strung out on antibiotics, my temperature is 100.5 and the doctor has said that I'll be better by week.
Did I mention you could bite my ass if you don't like this recap? Good...keep that in mind, dear Ed fan.
The show opens with a "Previously on Ed" montage, focusing on last week's episode where new district attorney Bonnie Hane (Hayne? Haynes? Hanes? Harem? ["I don't know. The IMDb says 'Hayne' but I think I saw a 'Hane' nameplate on her desk." -- Wing Chun]) debuted, with the sole purpose of making our hero's life a living hell. So obviously, this episode is going to pick up where last week's episode left off.
Y''know...I'm one astute bastard when I wanna be.
The show begins in some restaurant where the regular gang is celebrating Carol's birthday. Carol is begging them not to sing "Happy Birthday" to her, when Ed rounds the corner with a cake full of candles, singing "Happy Birthday." Mike, in his infantile manner, croons "You look like a monkey" instead of "Happy Birthday Dear Carol," which causes everyone to look at him like he was a leper, and then the song is finished. Ed tells Carol to make a wish, Carol thinks about it for a second and announces she has her wish. Ed says, "Well, if you insist," and bends down to tongue-wrestle her. Carol pulls back abruptly, and Ed asks "What? Didn't you just wish for a long soulful kiss from Edward J. Stevens?" Apparently she did, but she's not about to admit it in front of her peers. Gifts are then reluctantly handed over to the ice princess in celebration of her birthday. She opens Ed's gift -- a pair of ice skates. She asks if this means he's bought a skating rink. Ed's confused, so she explains that when he first came back to Stuckeyville, he gave her a bowling ball. "Because I bought a bowling alley," Ed grimaces, finishing her sentence. Carol admits she doesn't know how to ice skate, and Ed says he'll teach her. After a few lessons, she'll be skating around like Dick Button.
Okay. I'm no ice-skating fanatic. But apparently, there's an ice skater named Dick Button out there. Which, in my opinion, has to be the world's worst name for an ice skater. Or for any human being, for that matter. I had lots of Dick Button jokes ready to go, but I'm going to try and rise above such childish taunts this week.
The attention turns to Mike, who's introducing baby Sara to the wonders of aerosol whipped cream. Cue close-up of Sara covered in whipped cream. That's great, Mike. Teach your kid the joys of huffing before she's out of diapers. Way to go, Parent of the Year. What's ...freebasing?
Commercials. Hey, it's that Subway commercial with the fat guy, Jared, who lost something like 400 lbs. by eating Subway sandwiches for two years. Way to go, you big-assed refrigerator with legs. You're an inspiration to all the obese bastards in the world who want to lose weight but refuse to give up artery-clogging fast food. Chicks seem to really dig Jared now that he's smaller than your average travel trailer.
Back in the bowling alley, Phil is hanging up a poster that says "Only Positive Attitudes Allowed." It's part of his new idea that he calls "Inspirationology," which is to inspire each member of the Stuckey Bowl staff to do their best job possible, because a job well done is its own reward. He's decided to assign each employee a night, on which they try to bring in as many customers as possible, and the employee that comes up with the best promotion will receive a gift from Ed. He hands Ed a list of possible gifts including a Gucci watch, a vacation in Belize, a helicopter that lands on water. Ed offers a $10 gift certificate to Chuck E. Cheese. Phil counters with a $15 gift certificate. Ed says, "Done." Phil's content that he's a master negotiator. Ed asks "What happened to 'a job well done is its own reward'?" Phil shakes his head, chuckles and says, "Oh, you poor naïve son of a bitch." That's why I love this guy. He can get away with calling his boss a poor, naïve son of a bitch. Phil is my inspiration and reason for living. Well...it's between him and that fat Subway-eating bastard.
Enter the great character actor Ernie Sabella as Gary Sherlock, a life-insurance salesman. Gary sells insurance for Stuckeyville Mutual and has done so for fifteen years. Six months ago, the owner retired and left the business to his son, Tommy. Tommy's gone nuts and has told all the salesmen that they have to line up and push the button on one of those talking fish that are all the rage. This fish is Casey the Catfish, who not only talks, but can sing, as well. If the salesman can make the fish sing, he keeps his job. If the fish merely spits out a hokey line with a bad fish pun, the salesman loses his job. Gary doesn't see this as being fair. Ed reminds Gary that here in America, a boss can fire you for whatever reason he wants, as long as it's not over race, age, or sex. Ed decides to take the case anyway as soon as he's done battling the new D.A. in court over the meter-maid fiasco from last week. Gary thanks him and gets up to leave as Ed gets his jollies playing with the fish.
In the courtroom, Kenny, Shirley, Phil, and Ed are carrying in boxes full of files as well as graphs and charts, indicating that Ed has come to win this appeal against the evil Bonnie Hane. Kenny and Shirley leave while Phil holds out his hand. "Phil, I'm not going to tip you," Ed says. Phil's hurt. "Bossco, I just wanted some skin," he says. They slap some skin and then there's order in the court. Ms. Hane gets to the courtroom just in time to drop the case. Ed is shocked. After all the preparation he had done to win this appeal, this...this...this well-educated and foxy-as-hell bitch drops the case. She apologizes if she has inconvenienced anyone and leaves the courtroom in a hurry.
Ed chases after Bonnie and asks what is wrong with her, other than the fact that she's a beautiful she-devil with a heart of ice. Bonnie says he should be happy; she dropped the appeal so that now he can focus on the bowling aspect of his job. Ed's majorly flustered and a file drops off the top of his box. Bonnie looks down at the file and says, "Now...which would you remember more? Me picking that file up, or just walking away?" Before Ed can say, "Pick the damned thing up, you calculating whore-dog," she grins and walks away. Ed shouts, "You're unlike any other human being I've ever met in my life." Bonnie grins as she keeps walking and calls out, "Now we're getting somewhere."
I'm no psychic...but I get the feeling Bonnie might have the hots for Ed. I'm also no television scriptwriter..but I get the feeling that Ed might eventually fall for Bonnie. Them's just my opinions, take 'em with a grain of salt, Slappy.
We then launch into some more consumer-friendly commercials. Hey...stop the presses -- 7-Up has a new look. Sadly, the drink still tastes like Puerto-Rican mule piss.
Now it's fish time in the meeting room of Stuckeyville Mutual. The young, brash boss Tommy walks in, greets his employees, and asks Ed who he might be. Ed announces that he's Gary's attorney and that Tommy may want to think twice before he starts handing out pink slips to employees who have the misfortune not to get a battery-operated fish to sing. Tommy says that when he walks into a room full of people, he sees a roomful of potential clients, which these salesmen do not see. They've all gotten old -- soft. Ed asks whether it wouldn't be better if he gave the salesmen a pep talk or sent them on a weekend retreat where they run around the woods naked for a few days to motivate them. Tommy asks Gary if he's tried to sell Ed any insurance since they've met. An ashamed Gary shakes his head "no." Tommy says he figured as much, and the fishy business begins. First is Steve, sixty-two years old. Steve doesn't want to push the fish's button, but Tommy reminds Steve of the rules: don't do it and Tommy fires your ass. Steve presses the button; the fish says "I think I'm hooked on you," and Steve is fired. Godfrey's turn. "Something smells fishy." Godfrey's gone. Now it's Gary's turn. Ed says, "As your attorney, I advise you to not approach the fish." Gary asks what he has to lose and walks over to the fish. As dramatic music envelops the tension-filled air, Gary pushes the button. The fish says, "I feel like a fish out of water." Tommy smirks. "And you look like a guy out of a job." Ed says, "See you in court," and conveniently leaves out the "you smarmy, pansy-assed bastard" part as Gary and Ed storm out of the office.
At the Stuckeyville Bakery, Carol, Molly, Nancy, and Mike are sitting around a table, enjoying fresh baked goods and coffee. "So, where's your buddy Ed?" Carol asks Mike, with just a hint of jealousy. "He'll be here any minute," Mike assures her. Molly asks if maybe she could make this week's $10 bet with Mike. Mike informs Molly that it's a time-honored tradition between he and Ed and that nobody else is allowed to participate in the $10 bet. Nancy tells Molly that they don't need Mike and Ed -- they can do their own $10 bet. Dropping her voice a few octaves to imitate her husband, Nancy bets Molly ten smackers that she won't call the waitress "Fancy Pants." Molly jumps in on the fun and says, "Bring me a sandwich, Fancy Pants." They both have a laugh at Mike's and Ed's expense. For the first time, Mike maybe has an inkling on how ignorant their little $10 bets can actually be. Carol spots Ed walking up and excitedly announces, "There's Ed!!" like a little girl spotting a Backstreet Boy in the mall. Conveniently, Bonnie walks up to Ed on the street right in front of the bakery and they start jabbering away. Ed thinks he scared Bonnie off with all his folders in the courtroom, and that's why she dropped the appeal. Bonnie assures him that's not the reason she dropped the appeal. Then she asks him if he'd like to have a drink with her. Ed's flabbergasted. He agrees to have a drink with her as she walks away. Ed enters the bakery and Carol says, "You two looked hot and heavy out there." The jealousy just drips off every word. Molly says she's seen this before: "Sparks in the courtroom...sparks in the bedroom." It's safe to say that Molly's never seen this first-hand before. Ed assures Molly that his bedroom is spark-free. Carol looks like she's just been informed she has incurable ass acne: sad and confused. Mike bets Ed $10 that he won't call the waitress "Fancy Pants." Nancy and Molly perk up as if they're actually a part of the betting process now. Ed looks at him and says "Seriously?" Mike says, "Nahhh...that's lame." Molly and Nancy look like two fat chicks on prom night.
Back at the bowling alley, Kenny's idea to bring in more customers is demonstrated first. Kenny has come up with "Miniature Bowling," which is similar to Miniature Golf, in that he's erected a windmill in one of the alleys. As a customer rolls a ball down the alley, it strikes the windmill and knocks it down. "I'm still working out all the kinks," Kenny reminds Ed. "You're taking it down immediately, right?" Ed asks. "Right away," Kenny says. Kenny's promotion quickly bites the dust.
Carmella is preparing to leave Mike and Nancy's as Mike leafs through the day's mail. Carmella is staring at him like she wants to jump his bones and call him "Cowboy." Mike asks whether he can help her, and she starts babbling that he's holding a wonderful catalog. Mike excuses himself and goes into the kitchen to tell Nancy that he thinks Carmella has a crush on him. Nancy can't stop laughing. Mike feels like a fat guy on prom night.
More commercials. Did you know that Zyban's not for everybody? I didn't either. But apparently, that's the case. Millions of dollars worth of advertising, and they still don't know who their market is. If I was the president of Zyban, I'd be busting some employee's asses, making them work 24-7 until they improved it to where it was for everybody. No questions asked. Get to work, Buster.
Back at the bowling alley, Ed's checking on Shirley's idea for a promotion. Shirley has come up with Karaoke Night, because she feels that singing in public gives people enormous pleasure. Ed says, "That should work, Shirley." Shirley says that it will work, and that he should "stop calling [her] Shirley." Ed laughs and says Airplane is one of his favorite movies. Shirley has no idea what he's talking about. I've seen bags of cement smarter than Shirley. Ed asks Phil what his promotion is going to be. Phil proudly displays his sign inviting patrons to come and "Meet the Gang from Happy Days." Ed says that won't work. Phil asks whether Ed's been smoking the wacky tobacky. He rattles off all the stars from the hit '70s show, and says that the Stuckey Bowl will be packed tighter than a Brazillian soccer stadium. Ed says it's just another of Phil's nutty ideas that won't work. Phil is appalled and challenges Ed to name one of his ideas that hasn't worked. Ed reels off some of Phil's past ideas off the top of his head: "Steaks, salt shakers, Stuckey Bowl commercials, Bowling Sensai, Fine Corinthian Turkeys, and ShaveMyPoodle.com." Phil says, "Wow. You and I remember those things very differently."
In the courtroom, Ed is grilling Tommy the evil boss. He says that Tommy's making Gary get up and humiliate himself by getting fired for not making the fish sing is what lawyers call "intentional infliction of emotional distress." Apparently, Tommy didn't consider that. Bonnie walks in and sits down at Ed's table with Ed and Gary. Bonnie and Ed get into an argument over Ed's plans to call Tommy's dad, the former boss at Stuckeyville Mutual to the stand. Bonnie says that's the absolute worst thing Ed could do. The argument escalates until the two are louder than Roseanne Barr having sex, and the judge tells Ed to argue one case at a time. Meanwhile, Tommy is innocently saying that his goal was to motivate his staff, not humiliate them. Bonnie and Ed get into another unruly outburst of arguments. Ed's reprimanded again, and calls Tommy's dad to the stand. Dad is a whole lot nicer than his son, and says that he ran the company differently than his son does. Ed asks, "Between us, do you think what Tommy did is right?" A long dramatic pause follows before Dad says, "Yes, what he did was right." Dad admits that they may have different methods of management, but that he's proud of his son. Dejected, Ed goes to sit back down at the table. "See if you can unscramble this sentence," Bonnie says, as she hands him a legal pad with "Told I So You" written on it. I burst out laughing until 7-Up is coming out my nose and I don't even drink that wretched crap.
Back at the bowling alley, a Chinese guy is singing David Bowie's "Space Oddity" to his audience, which consists of Shirley. "Only one person showed up for Karaoke Night?" Ed asks Phil. "Yes," Phil answers testily. "And poor Shirley isn't taking it well. Treat her nice." Ed asks Phil how the cast of Happy Days is coming along. Phil admits that he has Henry and Donnie, Marion and Tom, Ronnie's a maybe, and Anson is "really busting [Phil's] chops." Ed reminds Phil that when he promises Stuckeyville that the cast of Happy Days will be coming to Stuckey Bowl and they don't show up, they're going to have an awful lot of mad customers on their hands. "Relax, Chicken Little, the sky is not falling. They'll be here," Phil assures Ed. I shift nervously in my recliner in anticipation of the reunion of one of the finest American television sitcoms of all time. Right behind One Day at a Time, of course. That Schneider was a hoot and a half.
Meanwhile, Molly and Carol are walking down the street arm in arm like a young couple in love. Apparently, Molly's given up on ever landing a man and has started turning her eyes toward members of the same sex. "What's your take on the big date?" Molly asks Carol. Carol doesn't know what she's talking about. Molly explains that Ed's got a date with Bonnie. That Molly. Always looking to take Carol down a few pegs. Carol's shocked, but says that it's no big deal; Ed can do whatever he wants. Which apparently includes ignoring her wishy-washy ass.
Back at the bowling alley, the Chinese guy is churning out a godawful rendition of "To All The Girls I've Loved Before." Ed asks Shirley how long she said Karaoke Night would last. Shirley says on the flyers, she put "8 PM until ???" because when you put question marks as the ending time, people will think that the party will go on and on. That's quite possibly the smartest thing Shirley has uttered in twelve episodes. She asks Ed if he's going to fire her. Ed says it was a good idea and that she's not going to be fired. Carol walks in. Ed asks if she came to sing "Ebony and Ivory" with him. Carol asks Ed if she can speak to him. Ed says sure and they go to his office. The Chinese guy still has total command over the karaoke machine.
What follows is a rapid-fire discussion which there is no way to transcribe word for word, so I won't even try. The gist of the conversation is that Carol's a Class-A Fruitcake who says she's not jealous that Ed's going out with Bonnie, but she is upset that he didn't tell her that he was going out with Bonnie because it didn't give her a chance not to be jealous that he is going out with Bonnie, and that Ed and Carol are just friends, and he can go out with Bonnie, but the least he could have done is told Carol about Bonnie so she could not be jealous of his date with Bonnie. Trust me. That's the best way I could transcribe it. That whole scene gave me a headache that Midol couldn't cure. Believe me...I tried.
Meanwhile, Kenny has joined Hop Sing at the microphone to croon a duet to Smokey Robinson's "Cruisin'" in what has to be the world's worst recorded duet in the history of mankind.
More commercials. Those talking M&Ms are back. Did you know that the yellow M&M is voiced by J.K. Simmons, the actor who plays white supremacist Vern Schillinger on Oz? It's true, it's true.
In the bowling alley, Phil is talking on the phone and he's pissed because Anson Williams's manager wants $1,500 for him to come to Stuckey Bowl as Potsie. He then starts repeating, "It's Potsie, it's Potsie" until the word "Potsie" starts to sound weird. He then can't stop repeating the word "Potsie." Kenny admits that one time he kept saying the word "lemon" until it no longer sounded like a word. So Kenny starts walking around repeating "lemon." Ed and Mike walk in. Ed's complaining that he doesn't even know why he's going out with Bonnie. Mike says it's because she's hot; it's the call of the wild. Ed says, "Thank you Marlon Perkins," which is a reference that nobody born after 1970 will get. Mike bets Ed $10 that when Ed goes out on his date that evening that he won't order a Shirley Temple. Ed actually flinches at this one. He doesn't want to come off as a complete and utter dumb-ass in front of this lady who takes great pleasure in humiliating him at every turn. But hey -- it's a ten-dollar bet we're talking about here -- a time-honored tradition. ["I love Shirley Temples." -- Wing Chun]
Just then, as if on cue, Tommy and his lawyer walk in, followed by Gary and the other two gents fired from Stuckeyville Mutual. Ed asks if he can help them, and they say that he called the meeting. Ed says he didn't call any meeting. Tommy's dad steps forward and says that it was he who called the meeting. Now that, my friend, is drama. Apparently, Dad wants the three fired men to drop their case and, in return, Tommy will give them their jobs back and apologize. Tommy says "no." Dad reminds him that he still owns 51% of the company, and still calls the shots. Ed advises the men to take their jobs back, and they do. Just as business is concluded, Dad says, "One more thing." He pulls out the fish and tells Tommy to push the button. If the fish sings, Tommy keeps his job. If not, he loses his stock options, his corner office, his gold-digging wife, and his job. Oooooh, the irony! Tommy starts freaking out and doesn't want to press the fish's button. Dad says, "Press the button or you're fired." Dramatic music begins. Tommy's upper lip begins perspiring like a fat guy at an empty buffet line. He presses the button and the fish sings. Tommy exhales and nearly collapses. "Now we're done," Dad says, as everyone files out of the office. Ed presses the button again, and the fish sings again. Presses it again; fish sings again. "The button got jammed this morning," Dad tells Ed in confidence, "I thought it'd be a good way to scare the bejeezus out of my son." Yeah. I guess it beats nailing him to a cross.
Meanwhile, Mike and Nancy are sitting down to an extremely quiet dinner with Carmella. Nancy goes upstairs to check on Sara, which is really Carmella's job, but Mike wants to talk to Carmella. He says they're happy with Carmella, but Mike couldn't help noticing that Carmella stares at him quite a bit. Carmella apologizes and says that nobody told her to avoid eye contact with them. She shamefully looks down at her lap. He tells her that's not it, and gently orders her to look at him, but she won't. He calls for Nancy.
Ed and Bonnie are on their date. Ed asks Bonnie why she asked him out. She asked why he accepted. Bonnie orders a Cosmopolitan, and Ed orders a Shirley Temple. Both the waitress and Bonnie make a big deal about the drink. Ed asks that they stop talking about the drink and just serve it. Bonnie says that Ed is one weird dude. Ed says he'd like to explain the Shirley Temple ordering, but that a higher power prevents him from doing so. My first thought was "Maury Povich?" but then I realize he's talking about the time-honored tradition of the $10 bet.
Nancy comes back down to the kitchen and tells Carmella that Mike thinks she has a crush on him. Carmella is confused but then says that the reason she stares at Mike is because he reminds her of a butcher that she used to go to; he also had a very big forehead just like Mike's. Then Carmella starts giggling and finds this to be a great opportunity to humiliate her boss. "Oh Mr. Burton, Carmella can not resist you," she laughs as she clutches her hands in front of her heart, acting like a lovesick little girl, or Carol with PMS -- take your pick. "You are just so big and strong and beautiful." Nancy and Carmella get a big kick out of ridiculing Mike, who looks like his grandmother just caught him masturbating. Nancy laughs and says that she'll be telling this story until the day she dies. Which will be sooner than later if she doesn't quit embarrassing her husband.
Ed's finishing up his story about how he bought the bowling alley. He then asks to hear the life and times of Bonnie Hane. Bonnie asks what he wants to know. "Ever kill a guy? Ever date a rock star? Ever search for the Dead Sea Scrolls?" She says no, and that she's really kinda boring. Ed guesses that she doesn't like to talk about herself. She asks if anyone's ever told him that he reminds them of Jon Stewart. He says yes, and figures out that Bonnie has once again swayed the questioning to a topic that she can control, which is a unique little ploy that big-city District Attorneys have apparently mastered.
Back at the bowling alley, Phil is introducing the cast of Happy Days to a full house. First is Potsie and Ralph Malph. I swear...I thought it was them. he introduces Ron Howard with, "Good job on The Grinch Ron!" Okay...it's obviously not Ron Howard. Potsie and Ralph Malph -- that could have been them. Neither one of them has been in the public eye since the early '80s. But that was not Ron Howard. , Phil brings out Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham -- two dead ringers for the real Cunninghams -- but the crowd has caught on to the charade and grown deadly quiet. Phil finally introduces the one and only Fonzie, as a black guy with dreadlocks pulls into the bowling alley on a motorcycle and says, "Aaaayyy!!" with his thumbs up. I've got to say, if Phil tried to pull this stunt in Alabama, his ass would be lynched in a matter of minutes. Alabamians don't put up with hoaxes like this. "It's the cast from Happy Days!" Phil is screaming while slapping a customer on the back. "You'll be telling your grandkids about this! Whoooooo! Who let the dogs out?!" My God. This guy is the most lovable imbecile ever. If I were the least bit gay, I'd spend every waking moment stalking his goofy ass.
Ed's walking Bonnie back to her house and Bonnie decides to open up to Ed. Apparently, she was stood up at the altar in front of family and friends. That's her big story. They kiss -- a long, deep soulful kiss that he should have been holding for Carol. "That was the Shirley Temple talking," Ed smirks. They say goodnight and both go nookieless for the evening.
At the bowling alley, an old man is bitching at Phil. "I'm telling you, the Fonz was not black," he gripes. "I wouldn't know, sir," Phil sniffs. "I see the actor, not the color of his skin." Ed walks in, and Phil announces that the cash registers are brimming. Ed's happy and gives each of his employees a $15 gift certificate. Phil is upset because it was his promotion that dragged the people into the bowling alley, and he wants to know why Kenny and Shirley are rewarded for their crappy promotions. "Let's just say that you have your managerial style, and I have mine," Ed says. Shirley is ecstatic and announces she's going to spend all $15 on cheese fries. Kenny wants to know whatever happened to Richie Cunningham's older brother, which is a joke older than my mother.
Back at Mike and Nancy's, Mike is eating breakfast when Carmella walks in. She quickly hides behind a door and watches Mike lovingly. "The Look of Love" starts playing as Mike is shown eating his pancakes in slow motion, exhibiting perhaps the sloppiest eating since Mama Cass entered a ham-sandwich eating contest. Carmella is obviously hot for Mike. Nancy walks up behind Carmella and asks if everything's okay. She says "yes," but she says it like a lovestruck little girl. Nancy looks disturbed that someone else might actually find her lunkhead hubby attractive.
Ed's in his office when Carol walks in, apologizing for the stupid outburst she spewed out earlier. They make up and Carol says that it's time for them to go skating.
Carol and Ed hit the local ice rink, and Ed helps her slide around the ice. Carol asks about his big date, and Ed says they had a couple of drinks -- no big deal. Carol almost falls and says, "Don't let me go." Ed, in a touching moment, says "I won't," and the episode ends.
"Don't let me go."
"I won't."
"Don't let me go."
"I won't."
Am I the only one who's reading something more to this than they're actually saying? Me smellum sparks in the bedroom coming soon for these two. And with that, ol' Uncle Bob is going to go choke down an antibiotic and cough syrup cocktail and sleep for several hours. I promise I'll be back up to snuff week.
...And sorry about that "bite my ass" thing.