First off, I'd like to thank Heathen for stepping in for me last week and doing a fantastic job on the Ed recap. My local NBC affiliate deemed college basketball a little bit more important than the weekly hijinks of the citizens of Stuckeyville, and I was left in the lurch. I protested outside the TV station with a small sign saying "Down With Basketball, Up With Ed" until I realized that I was alone in my quest to change the station manager's mind and drove home in shame.
Second...I'm battling a sinus infection right now that has me feverish and testy. It's 42 degrees in this house; I'm sweating; I'm a grown man and I feel like crying. I'm making no apologies for what is written here today, if you don't like it, bite my ass. I'm strung out on antibiotics, my temperature is 100.5 and the doctor has said that I'll be better by week.
Did I mention you could bite my ass if you don't like this recap? Good...keep that in mind, dear Ed fan.
The show opens with a "Previously on Ed" montage, focusing on last week's episode where new district attorney Bonnie Hane (Hayne? Haynes? Hanes? Harem? ["I don't know. The IMDb says 'Hayne' but I think I saw a 'Hane' nameplate on her desk." -- Wing Chun]) debuted, with the sole purpose of making our hero's life a living hell. So obviously, this episode is going to pick up where last week's episode left off.
Y''know...I'm one astute bastard when I wanna be.
The show begins in some restaurant where the regular gang is celebrating Carol's birthday. Carol is begging them not to sing "Happy Birthday" to her, when Ed rounds the corner with a cake full of candles, singing "Happy Birthday." Mike, in his infantile manner, croons "You look like a monkey" instead of "Happy Birthday Dear Carol," which causes everyone to look at him like he was a leper, and then the song is finished. Ed tells Carol to make a wish, Carol thinks about it for a second and announces she has her wish. Ed says, "Well, if you insist," and bends down to tongue-wrestle her. Carol pulls back abruptly, and Ed asks "What? Didn't you just wish for a long soulful kiss from Edward J. Stevens?" Apparently she did, but she's not about to admit it in front of her peers. Gifts are then reluctantly handed over to the ice princess in celebration of her birthday. She opens Ed's gift -- a pair of ice skates. She asks if this means he's bought a skating rink. Ed's confused, so she explains that when he first came back to Stuckeyville, he gave her a bowling ball. "Because I bought a bowling alley," Ed grimaces, finishing her sentence. Carol admits she doesn't know how to ice skate, and Ed says he'll teach her. After a few lessons, she'll be skating around like Dick Button.
Okay. I'm no ice-skating fanatic. But apparently, there's an ice skater named Dick Button out there. Which, in my opinion, has to be the world's worst name for an ice skater. Or for any human being, for that matter. I had lots of Dick Button jokes ready to go, but I'm going to try and rise above such childish taunts this week.
The attention turns to Mike, who's introducing baby Sara to the wonders of aerosol whipped cream. Cue close-up of Sara covered in whipped cream. That's great, Mike. Teach your kid the joys of huffing before she's out of diapers. Way to go, Parent of the Year. What's ...freebasing?
Commercials. Hey, it's that Subway commercial with the fat guy, Jared, who lost something like 400 lbs. by eating Subway sandwiches for two years. Way to go, you big-assed refrigerator with legs. You're an inspiration to all the obese bastards in the world who want to lose weight but refuse to give up artery-clogging fast food. Chicks seem to really dig Jared now that he's smaller than your average travel trailer.
Back in the bowling alley, Phil is hanging up a poster that says "Only Positive Attitudes Allowed." It's part of his new idea that he calls "Inspirationology," which is to inspire each member of the Stuckey Bowl staff to do their best job possible, because a job well done is its own reward. He's decided to assign each employee a night, on which they try to bring in as many customers as possible, and the employee that comes up with the best promotion will receive a gift from Ed. He hands Ed a list of possible gifts including a Gucci watch, a vacation in Belize, a helicopter that lands on water. Ed offers a $10 gift certificate to Chuck E. Cheese. Phil counters with a $15 gift certificate. Ed says, "Done." Phil's content that he's a master negotiator. Ed asks "What happened to 'a job well done is its own reward'?" Phil shakes his head, chuckles and says, "Oh, you poor nave son of a bitch." That's why I love this guy. He can get away with calling his boss a poor, nave son of a bitch. Phil is my inspiration and reason for living. Well...it's between him and that fat Subway-eating bastard.
Enter the great character actor Ernie Sabella as Gary Sherlock, a life-insurance salesman. Gary sells insurance for Stuckeyville Mutual and has done so for fifteen years. Six months ago, the owner retired and left the business to his son, Tommy. Tommy's gone nuts and has told all the salesmen that they have to line up and push the button on one of those talking fish that are all the rage. This fish is Casey the Catfish, who not only talks, but can sing, as well. If the salesman can make the fish sing, he keeps his job. If the fish merely spits out a hokey line with a bad fish pun, the salesman loses his job. Gary doesn't see this as being fair. Ed reminds Gary that here in America, a boss can fire you for whatever reason he wants, as long as it's not over race, age, or sex. Ed decides to take the case anyway as soon as he's done battling the new D.A. in court over the meter-maid fiasco from last week. Gary thanks him and gets up to leave as Ed gets his jollies playing with the fish.