You don't know me, but I'm your Uncle. Your long-lost Uncle Bob. All this time, I've been ghost-writing the Ed recaps...hereafter to be known only as B. F'n. P. B. F'n. P. was recently involved in a bizarre accident while playing Marco Polo in his back-yard pool with himself. He's recovering well and sends his regards to all those who worried about him.
Yeah. That's the ticket.
Sooo...to make a long recap shorter...let's go ahead and kick this puppy in the ribs.
Oh...by the way...I'm writing this recap a week later than the show actually aired, due to holidays and all, so details may be a little sketchy here. This will not be common practice in my recaps, and...oh hell...who am I kidding?! I make up 90% of this crap. Get over it, dear reader.
The show begins with the recap of what the show's all about. I wrote a poem about the recaps which I may include in this recap later on, space permitting. I'm sure you'll like it and will probably say things like, "That Uncle Bob...man...whatta poet." Yeah...I just bet you'll say it.
(That was sarcasm...which...oddly enough...is also my middle name. "Sarcasm," that is.)
So we get past the recap, and the show begins in Ed's living room. Time-lapse videography is trying to tell us that Ed is sitting around waiting for something or somebody. Immediately, the show has kicked off with some intrigue. I'm intrigued, anyway. Ed exercises, tries to take a nap, bounces a basketball, etc. Finally, he picks up the phone and calls Tucker's Appliance to ask where the refrigerator that was supposed to be delivered earlier that day could be. The voice on the line says that he'll have the refrigerator by 4 PM. Ed says that will be hard to do since it's already 4:36 PM. The driver promises that it will be there by 5 PM at the latest. This soothes Ed to the point where he feels comfortable hanging up the phone.
Meanwhile, Molly is shown catching up to Carol with the giddiness of a schoolgirl after her first kiss. "Guess who's coming to town?" she gushes Carol's way. "Corey Feldman," Carol answers. "No...Corey Haim," Carol adds quickly, changing her guess. Molly shoots down both answers and says that the person coming to town is none other than Troy McCallum, Carol's high-school sweetheart. On an excitement scale from 1 to 10, Carol would rank a 2 on the outside, but a 12 on the inside, baybee. Troy's coming to town as part of the Alumni Holiday Dinner for football players. Molly cannot fathom why Carol isn't soaking her panties over this one, and Carol reminds Molly that Troy dumped her their senior year, and in a very ugly way at that.
We flash back to Ed's apartment. By now, it's dark. Ed's still sitting there patiently waiting for his refrigerator.
Opening credits roll. I open my bag of pork rinds and commence chomping merrily.
Back from commercials, we find ourselves in Carol's class as she's discussing the poet Chaucer. Warren (the nerd who has been harboring a crush on Carol all these weeks) has apparently found a new female form to visualize as he rubs up against his bedpost at night. He's staring pie-eyed at a hot little number to him who is oblivious to his gawking. The bell rings, snapping Warren out of his trance.
As the students file out, Warren makes awkward small talk with Carol about the two of them being on the same planning committee for an upcoming dance. Carol keeps that icy-teacher approach intact while conversing with the Warrenster when out of the blue, Warren hands her a box. He's bought Carol a locket, which is not the brightest idea the boy has ever had. Carol says that she can't accept a locket from a student, and Warren tells her to look inside the locket. Inside are some really goofy pictures of Warren. Warren falls to his knees and begins reciting a poem by e.e. cummings.Carol tells Warren that they have to talk. Warren says, "Whoa, you're breaking up with me?" Carol, once again, tries to explain to the simpleton that they are teacher and pupil, not exactly the best relationship to base a love affair on. Warren notes that this is how it ends...not with a bang, but a whimper. Deep inside, I believe that Warren has orchestrated this whole event so that he can actually be "broken up" with Carol, leaving him free to date this new gal.
Meanwhile, Ed's at Tucker's Appliances, demanding to speak to the manager. The salesman would like to know Ed's beef. Ed explains that he ordered a refrigerator, sat at home all day waiting on it, only to be stiffed at the end of the day with no refrigerator. The salesman says that the manager is busy eating breakfast. Ed says he doesn't care if he's eating lobster omelettes...he wants to speak to the manager now. Okay...I've never seen Ed this angry. I bet he might even frown here in a minute.
Meanwhile, Molly is asking Carol if she's excited about seeing Troy McCallum again. "Aren't you curious to see how he turned out?" she asks. Carol once again reminds Molly that Troy McCallum was pig smegma and that he treated her horribly. He took her to the pond one evening and told her that he thought he had outgrown her. Then, he started dating her best friend two days later. But after ten years, she's pretty much gotten over it. Yeah. She's over it. That's it. Oh yeah. Over it, baby. She never gives the guy a moment's thought anymore. Yep. That is definitely the ticket.
Back at Tucker's Appliances, Ed is following the manager around the store, pouring out his anger over the fact that the store screwed him on the refrigerator delivery. The manager is clearly blowing him off while Ed spews his venom. Finally, the manager turns around and sneers, "I'm not real crazy about your attitude." Ed is dumbfounded, and the manager says that Ed's "aggressive." He tells Ed to sue him over the botched delivery.
Ed and Carol walk down the street as Carol explains Warren's latest attempt at trying to get into her stockings. Ed says that the locket was a classy move. But then again, Ed was a complete loser in high school. Molly meets up with them on the sidwalk and she and Ed engage themselves in a battle of wordplay using the word "twist" a lot. I wish I could tell you more, but in my notes, all I wrote was "twist, twist, twist and dog shampoo." I've really got to start taking better notes, and writing fewer grocery lists.
At the alley, Phil decorates a tree with a Star of David on top, claiming to have all the bases covered with both the Christians and the Jews. Ed asks about the Hindus. Phil pauses and asks whether Hindus are the special kind of Jews with funny hats. Meanwhile, I choke on my own saliva. Ed changes the subject before the ACLU decides to shut down the show by mentioning that he has devised a scheme to get even with Tucker Appliances. Phil's intrigued. Ed beams with pride as he hands Phil a flyer basically stating that Tucker's Appliance is having an appliance giveaway. It urges the townspeople to show up when the doors open, locate the appliances of their choice, and place their hands upon them. Whoever still has his hand on the appliance at the end of the day wins that appliance. The flyer also advises people not to let the store employees talk them into leaving the store, because that is part of the game. Phil confirms that Ed is one devious bastard.
Carol's back at her crib, listening to her answering-machine messages. Her grandmother is first, telling her that she's knitting Carol a hat and wants to know how big Carol's head is. Gee, Grandma, I don't know. Let's ask every male in Stuckeyville that she's rejected over the years. The list is endless. The second call is from Troy, who tells Carol that he can't wait to see her when he comes to town. Carol's excitement level moves up a few notches as we lurch headfirst into some...commercials.
Back at the bowling alley, Ed and Warren are hanging up Christmas lights when Warren accuses Ed of having a slight crush on Carol -- the new standard for the pot calling the kettle black. Ed, of course, denies having a crush on Carol, and confirms that the two are just friends. This prompts Warren to deduce that Carol dissed Ed. The lawyer in Ed won't allow him to argue the point. Instead, they discuss the fact that they're both losers; Ed tells Warren that he reminds Ed of himself when he was Warren's age. Warren asks how so, and Ed tells him that he had the hardest time asking girls out. Warren brings up Jessica Martell, the girl through whom he was staring holes earlier in the show. He has a bad case of the hornies for Jessica, but she doesn't know he exists. She's extremely popular, only dates jocks and writes really intense poetry Warren loves. ["Hey, just like our Jessica!" -- Wing Chun] Ed pleads with Warren to go say hi to her, and to take a shot at winning her over. Warren protests that he can't because she's too popular.Warren basically shifts into whiny-little-bitch-boy mode, too afraid to take a chance on love.
The day, after Phil and Ed have posted flyers throughout the town of Stuckeyville, we see them walking to Tucker's Appliances. When they open the door, they see the entire store is full of people with their hands on nearly every appliance in the store. Larry, the manager who was blowing off Ed earlier is now running around the room, trying to tell everyone that it was a prank, there is no contest, and that he isn't lying. Ed walks up to Larry and informs him that since Larry's business wasted a whole day of his life, Ed is now going to waste a whole day of Larry's life. Meanwhile, Larry tries to get a local rube to take his hands off a stove. The man grins and says, "I'm not taking my hands off the stove. That's part of the game!" Ed grins that devilish grin of his and tells the rube, "Good luck! I hope you win!"
At school, Carol's confiding in Molly that Troy called and left a message wanting to see her. Molly asks if she's called him back, and Carol says she hasn't. Molly tells Carol to call him back. Carol says that he has a good life now, and that she shouldn't interfere. Molly insists that Carol at least look into meeting him again. Molly seems desperate to help Carol find a new boyfriend so she can horn in on Ed, if you ask me.But you didn't ask me. Not one single email presenting that theory has filtered my way. You people...you don't love me like I thought you did.
Out in the school's hallways, a couple of jocks surround Jessica, telling her jokes. Warren is standing at his locker a few feet away when he decides that now is the best time to start hitting on Jessica. Oh yeah, Mr. Timing-Is-Everything. Wait until she's in her element and surrounded by guys who could extract your tonsils with their bare hands. That's real intelligent, Sir Screws-Up-A-Lot. Warren waits for the punchline of the jock's joke and lets out an exaggerated laugh as he slinks over to their intimate little circle, finally saying hi to Jessica. He introduces himself as Warren Cheswick, adding that everyone just calls him "Ches." One of the jocks says, "No, they don't," and Warren corrects him, saying that he's in limited release with the nickname at the present time, but he's about to go nationwide with it in a few weeks. Warren then steers the conversation, ever so smoothly, to Jessica's latest poetic opus "Soul Dragon." "I liked your poem 'Soul Dragon,'" he says. "He's checking out your rack," one of the jocks tells Jessica. Jessica blushes as Warren begins to crumble. "No, I'm not," Warren says, defending himself. But it's too late. The jocks begin threatening Warren and tell him to quit checking out Jessica's rack. Jessica's rack stands firm in its decision to remain perky. Warren is humiliated beyond belief.
Back at the bowling alley, Phil is still reeling from the sheer genius of the "Appliance Giveaway" scam and offers Ed a sequel to the scam: he wants to sneak into the appliance store one evening, pour Spanish Fly into the water coolers, and watch the salesmen do each other. Ed declines to participate in "El Screw Around-o with Tucker-o Appliances-o II: Return of the Appliance Giveaway Scam." If I were Ed's lawyer, that's the tactic I would have strongly suggested as well.
Speaking of Ed's lawyers, as Ed and Phil discuss the merits of continuously screwing with Tucker's, a gentleman walks in and hands Ed a subpoena. He's being sued by Tucker's for $4,600, the amount of revenue the store lost for a day of business. This thickens the plot somewhat. If you're cooking chili, add cornstarch to the mix. This thickens the pot somewhat.
In court, Ed announces that he'll be representing himself. The judge reminds Ed that a person who decides to represent himself in court has a fool for a client. Ed says that he understands this and tried his best to talk himself out of hiring himself to represent himself, but he just doesn't listen to himself. I snorted when I heard that explanation and kinda peed my pants, but just a few droplets.
Back in the bowling alley, Warren is livid with Ed over his advice to seize the moment and approach Jessica, since that plan has now backfired, and Warren's nickname is now being severely jeopardized of being changed against his will from "Ches" to "Rack Checker-Outer". Warren claims that the entire ordeal was a complete disaster. Ed reminds Warren that since Plan A failed, Plan B should work. "What's Plan B?" Warren asks. Ed -- who hasn't came up with a Plan B yet -- just tells Warren that Plan B will work because it's HUGE.
Fast-forward to a diner, where all the popular school kids hang out. Warren is sitting at a table by himself, Ed at a table by himself, and Mike by himself. Ed gets up and then suddenly, very melodramatically, falls to the floor clutching his chest. Mike gets up and yells, "Is there a doctor in the house? This man is dying!" Warren gets up and loudly says, "Not today, he's not." Warren falls to his knees and begins pounding on Ed's chest, trying to bring Ed "back to life," screaming the most overused television medical-emergency clichés in the English language -- phrases like "don't go dying on me!" and "we're losing him!" are tossed out like yesterday's garbage as Warren continues pounding on Ed's chest. Finally, Warren slaps Ed hard across the face whereupon Ed decides that he has had enough of the melodrama. "What happened to me?" he warily asks. "I saved your life," Warren beams, before announcing, "Show's over folks. Let's go. There's nothing to see here." Jessica stands there and smiles sweetly at Warren, her new hero. Ed and Mike grin at the success of their ingenious plan.
We're then bombarded with more commercials.
Carol and Ed walk down the street. Ed asks about Carol's date with Troy, which Carol emphatically denies is a "date" -- it's just two friends going out on the town after several years of separation. Ed reminds Carol that, in high school, she and Troy were like Sinatra and Ava Gardner while Ed was more like Wojo from Barney Miller. He then does an uncanny impression of Carol that sounds nothing like her, but does nail her pretty-girl persona down pat.
Back in court, Ed's on the witness stand and acting rather childish, since this is his first time on the stand. He's being accused of spreading the flyers all over the town, when he corrects the plaintiff's attorney by saying he wrote the flyers, he printed the flyers, he hung up the flyers, and he's damned proud of the whole enterprise. It was a childish scheme intended to cause the store monetary damage. It was a $300 refrigerator, and he wanted to even the score.
On school grounds, Warren's hanging out by a tree when Jessica and her friends walk up. Jessica says hi to Warren and informs him that she was just telling her friends how brave and amazing Warren is. Warren is macking like James Dean; he's ultra-suave and cool. Jessica asks whether he plans to go to the big party at the bowling alley, and Warren says that he might swing by. Jessica is all gooey-eyed and says, "Maybe I'll see you there." Warren is ecstatic as Jessica and her friends walk on.
Back in court, the store's attorney presents his case to the jury. Tucker's Appliances didn't make a delivery. Did Ed sue them? No. Did he ask for his money back? No. What he did was bring the business to a grinding halt for one day and he should be held responsible for his actions.
Ed presents his case. He had just moved into his new place. This was the first appliance he had bought for his new place. He was then treated like garbage after giving the store his money. Ed reiterates that the store took his time, not his money. Time is worth a whole lot more to Ed than the money is. Since he only took $4,600 of their money, Ed feels that Tucker's got off cheap. The judge points out that Ed also robbed each of those customers of their valuable time by making them stand in the store all day. So Ed's punishment is that he has to write a hundred-word apology to each one of those customers for stealing their day away from them. As the judge says, "It's the best I can come up with." Apparently the death penalty never even entered the judge's mind.
That evening, Carol's getting ready for her big date with Troy and entertaining Molly at the same time. Carol's nervous because she doesn't want Troy's perfect life jammed down her throat, what with his perfect wife and kids, his Portugeuse Water Dog, and his job selling pharmaceuticals. "God, I hope he's bald," she tells Molly. Molly asks whether she's happier now, or when she was the prom queen and had it all. Carol says that she's happier now. Molly says that should count for something. Carol asks whether she should wear an outfit or an ensemble, totally blowing off the happiness theory.
Mike and Nancy show up at the bowling alley and Ed asks them whether they remember Troy McCallum. They think for a second and both remember him. Mike grins big and says that Ed should have a "Mighty Dog" of a reason to remember Troy. As it turns out, in high school, Troy forced Ed to eat a can of dog food in front of all the popular kids in school. That mean-spirited little prank stuck with Ed for all these years and now, finally, Ed is about to get his revenge. He's made some "pâté" for Troy's and Carol's date...except that the pâtéis dog food. Ed is giddy with himself as he has seemed to come up with yet another act of revenge that will destroy yet another person's day. Mike looks at the dog food spread evenly across a cracker and says "Hey Ed. I'll give you ten dollars if..." Before Mike can finish his sentence, Ed has popped a cracker loaded down with dog food into his mouth and is chewing away contently, waiting for his ten dollars. "He's good. The kid's good," Mike grins as he forks over ten bucks.
At the Smiling Goat, Carol nervously waits for Troy to show up. When he does, he effortlessly breezes into the bar, shaking hands all the way to his table. They hug and after some small talk, Troy asks her to catch him up to where they left off. Carol says, "Fine," and reminds him that they left off with his dumping her to go out with her best friend. Troy smiles sheepishly and hopes the smile is still enough to get him off the hook. Ed walks in and does his best Ted Baxter impersonation to greet Carol and Troy. Carol introduces Ed, and Troy asks whether Ed had a mohawk in high school. Ed says he didn't, but that he remembers Troy. Troy was the big man on campus, the football superstar, the head dog. Troy smiles uncomfortably and then proposes a toast, among the three of them, to Stuckeyville.
Back at the bowling alley, Stuckeyville High Christmas Party is in full swing. Warren is hanging with his nerd buddies while Jessica flits around with her friends. Warren's friends tell Warren to talk the talk and walk the walk and go speak to Jessica. Warren, showing the courage of a thousand men, walks up to Jessica and initiates conversation. Everything's going smoothly until some jocks walk up. One of the jocks sarcastically calls Warren a "hero" for his escapade in the diner. Warren denies that he's a hero but the jock keeps pushing the fact with him. "You're a loser, but you're a hero," the jock smirks, eliciting laughter from the other jocks. Warren stands there and takes the subtle abuse before replying, "I'm no hero. But you -- you're awesome," he tells the jock. The jock seems uncomfortable with Warren's praise and squeaks out, "Whatever, man." But Warren pushes it -- not just for himself but for every loser who's ever been on the receiving end of a surly jock's smarmy attitude. "No really, man," Warren says. "You can really throw a football," making the jock's successes on the football field sound incredibly lame. "You have a rifle instead of an arm," he says, inching closer to the jock. "We should call you...the Rifleman!! Yeah! Hey everyone, look at the Rifleman's muscles! What do you press, Rifleman? Two hundred? Two-twenty? What's the matter, Rifleman? You have such big pec muscles, you should be proud! You are...The Rifleman!" The Rifleman realizes how stupid Warren is making him sound, since a crowd has gathered to listen as Warren heaps false praise on him. He begans to slink away after warning Warren that he's going to kick his ass.
Back at the Smiling Goat, the waiter brings over a platter of complimentary hors d'oeuvres. Ed is practically pissing himself in anticipation of the moment that Troy begins eating dog food. Troy takes a bite of the cracker and Ed loses it. He jumps up, claps his hands, points his finger right in Troy's face and yells, "You just ate dog food!" Troy stares at Ed strangely, while Ed revels in his gleeful revenge. Ed explains that this is the payback for the time Troy forced Ed to eat dog food in high school. Troy asks if he's sure it was him. Ed reassures him that it was, and we find out that even though the incident scarred Ed for life, Troy went to bed that same evening and forgot all about it. Troy blows off the whole ordeal and begins to reminisce over all the fun times they had playing Marco Polo and talking about the good ol' days. At this point, it's obvious that Troy is stuck in the past and is still fixated on his past escapades rather than focusing on future endeavors.
Carol and Troy end up down at the pond where he dumped her. They talk about being the King and Queen of Stuckeyville back then. Troy says that even though he has everything he could want now, he will never be happier than he was in high school. It's actually sad and pathetic until you realize this guy was your typical cocky jock who made all the losers lives a living hell. Then it's actually kinda funny.
Back at the bowling alley, Phil is counselling a young teen girl whose parents don't understand her when Ed shows up, shutting down the therapy session. Carol walks in and tells Ed that she found Troy to be kind of sad and that she felt sorry for him because his best days are behind him. She also informs Ed that if she had to do it all over again, she would have gone out with Ed in high school, and not Troy.
Warren walks through the bowling alley and runs up on Jessica. Jessica says goodbye and that a couple of them are going over to a friend's house. Warren gets excited and says that he'll be there when Jessica begins hemming and hawing. It's not her house and it's not her party, so she doesn't think she can invite Warren. Warren is crushed. Jessica turns and leaves with the jocks who shoot Warren a look that says, "No matter how cool you think you may be...you're still a loser." Ed and Carol stare at Warren and feel his pain.
After the party, Ed and Warren sit in the now-quiet bowling alley. Warren tells Ed that he feels like he should be automatically inducted into the Loser Hall of Fame. Ed corrects him. "Do you know what you did tonight?" he asks. "You seized the day. You took your shot." Warren reminds Ed that, in the end, Jessica left with Tim Cooper, the self-centered thug/Rifleman. Ed says that this is not the end of the day...just the first half. Warren asks what happens in the second half. Ed tells him that the Rifleman will end up selling pharmaceuticals just like Troy. Warren asks what will happen to himself? And Ed says, "You...you get the girl." My heart just melts and a tear runs down my face. Just like Ed, Warren will someday harbor an unhealthy crush on a woman who does not requite his love, yet will have himself fully convinced that he is the winner.