Vacation's over, baybeeeee!!!
It is I, Brad F'n Pitt, the world's sexiest TV recapper, in your face with the latest and greatest Ed recap in the history of MBTV Ed recaps. Or something. I must say...the last 2.5 weeks have been sheer bliss, what with not having to get in the "Ed Zone," as we call it around Stately Pitt Manor. I've been able to enjoy life in the form of my Vietnamese War Orphan Baby, Xiang Chow Pitt. I had a lovely Thanksgiving that almost killed my mother. And various other assorted crappage went on over the last few weeks. But now...back to the grind of what I like to call "Recapping that damned Ed show."
Right before "Ed" begins, we get one of those Network Congratulatory Plugs that congratulates Tom Cavanagh for being nominated for the People's Choice Award's Favorite Male Performer in a New Series.
People, I cannot stress to you enough just how unimportant the People's Choice Awards are to today's performers. I won a People's Choice Award several years ago, and the only experience I can liken it to is when you've won a prize at the fair. Except you have to stare into a camera, speak into a microphone, and actually thank the carny for this cheap piece-of-shit Snoopy Doll made in Arkansas that you just won by throwing a ring around a milk bottle.
Questions? Comments??
Ed drags out the dreaded opening recap that the show used several times in its first several episodes. However, I understand its reasoning tonight. Tonight...Ed opens up to a whole new audience. Tomorrow, several million new Ed watchers flock to MBTV to read up on all the episodes and not only fall in love with Ed...but fall in love with Brad F'n Pitt as well, baybee.
BOOOOOO-YAHHHHHH!!!!
The lines during the recap that got me were "nice guys sometimes finish first." And you know...there you go. Ed's a nice guy. I know that, earlier in the season, I declared him a stalker. I was sadly mistaken. He's a nice guy. And he has a great show. Watch it. Enjoy it. It's the David Letterman show in sitcom form.
The show opens, and Mike is sitting naked at the kitchen table. Ed walks in -- non-plussed at first -- pours himself a cup of joe, and notices Mike sitting at the table. Ed doesn't flinch. "You know you're shirtless?" Ed asks. "And pantless," Mike adds. "I figured now that you've lived here a while, you can handle me naked. I used to do this all the time before you moved in." Nancy walks in and is shocked by Mike's Greek physique chowing down on Count Chocula. Mike says, "What? You've seen me naked before." "Not at the same time as him," she says, gesturing to Ed. Ed. Babe. Get the hint. They want you out. You own a bowling alley. You're the Chairman of the Board of the most successful law firm in town. You're a single, attractive, charming man. But get out. Here's a hamburger and a road map ... see ya. In a roundabout way, Mike and Nancy let him know that it's time to start looking for his own place, because Ed may be a single, attractive, charming man...but he's about as socially retarded as Chuck Manson at a sorority dance. In robotic monotones, Nancy says, "Please stay." Mike says, "Don't go." Ed says, "I insist." Nancy responds, "All right." Mike responds, "Okay."
It was cute. You should have been there.
Commercials. Miss Congeniality looks cute. I sure would like to cover Sandra Bullock in chocolate syrup and then clean her up with a washcloth, if you know what I mean, and I seriously doubt you do.
Back from commercials, Ed and Kenny are sitting at a booth at the Bowling Alley. Ed's scanning the local hot sheets, looking for a new crib to park his hooptie. Kenny's reading a section of a newspaper and asks Ed,. "How would you define the word 'id'?" Ed gives Kenny a thirty-second breakdown of what the id actually is. I'd transcribe what an Id is word for word, but Christ...cut me some slack, here, people -- I'm not as intelligent as I come off here. Ed notices that Kenny is absorbing none of this technical jargon and clams up. He then asks, "What are you reading?" Kenny responds, "The Wizard of Id." Ed responds, "Oh, good stuff." I did a double spit-take...just to brush up on my double spit-takes. Ed announces that he's found a house with southern exposure. Kenny grins and says, "I love that show! That moose...he was always up to no good." Ed says, "Kenny, you're thinking of Northern Exposure." Kenny says, "I don't think so." The writers have actually taken criticism lobbed at them by smarmy peons with cable modem connections and incorporated it into the show as a sly joke. You have to love these guys. Phil interupts this battle of wits with some important news for Ed: another half-assed brainstorm to help keep the bowling alley's standing as the premiere entertainment showplace for Stuckeyville. Ed doesn't want to hear Phil's hare-brained ideas about cockfights in the basement. Phil says this is better: "Open Mic Night." Phil is still having trouble trying to decide if there should be an eight, nine, or ten-drink minimum for the evening. Ed doesn't think it will fly, and Phil offers up Kenny's amazing stand-up skills. Kenny admits that whenever he's in an elevator and it stops on every floor, he turns to the guy to him and says "What is this...loco?" I didn't get it either, but I don't think we were supposed to find it funny. Phil then points out that Shirley is no stranger to the limelight. Shirley tells the story -- as quickly as she can -- of the time that she was picked as an assistant to help feed the sea lion at Sea World. Then, after she fed it, the lady asked her to take a bow and as she did, the sea lion bit her on the a-s-s. Ed has solidly mastered the art of appearing mildly impressed. Molly walks in and saunters up to Ed and asks him for a favor. He says sure. They have a seat. Molly says it's about her grandfather, you met him at Thanksgiving...Ah! Yes!! Molly brought an old geezer to Thanksgiving dinner and I naturally thought it was her date! So it was her grandfather all along! Boy, is my face red! Ed admits to knowing her grandfather back when he owned Charlie's Pet Shop. He sold Ed his first pet, a turtle. The turtle died choking on a Chewel. "A jewel?" Molly asks. "No, a Chewel -- the gum with the squirty stuff in it." Molly gets back to the subject at hand, and brings up the fact that her grandfather Charlie isn't doing well, and that doctors haven't given him much time to live. She actually gets a bit choked up there for a second, but maintains her composure and asks Ed to write up his last will and testament. Ed agrees to do it after negotiating fees and payments for several hours into the night. Molly informs Ed that he's going to love Charlie, and that Charlie once nailed a butter-churning lady in Colonial Williamsburg. My question: Who hasn't?
Mike's walking into his office when he passes a giggling woman in the hallway. He asks what she's giggling about, and she says, "Just an old episode of Night Court." Mike walks away, and the lady bursts into peals of laughter. He walks into a patient's room and finds another doctor talking to his patient. Mike asks who the guy is, and he says he's Scott Benson, but that Mike should call him Dr. Scottie. The patients like the informality. The patient he's examining pipes up, "Yeah, it helps me relate to him." Dr. Scottie asks Mike to pass the "tongue delighters." Mike acts puzzled and asks "tongue depressors?" Dr. Scottie chides him, "Awww...we don't want to depress our patients, do we?"
Carol's strolling down the street when she's emotionally accosted by Warren, the nerdy student that harbors a crush on her. They're talking when Ed walks up, stapling flyers for Open Mic Night everywhere in town. Warren gets into ass-kicking mode and asks Carol, "Is this guy bothering you? Say the word and I'll throw down." Ed sees that Warren is carrying a guitar, and offers him a spot at Open Mic Night. Warren asks Carol if she'll be there, and she says, "Probably." Warren gets cranked and agrees to show up for Open Mic. He hauls ass to go tell his buddies about this sudden twist of fortune.
Carol and Ed start walking for their weekly walk around Stuckeyville, peppered with awkward small talk. Yet the small talk isn't as awkward as it was before, mainly because these two are very slowly becoming good friends and not sex objects in each other's eyes. They're talking about Ed's having to find a new place in town to call his own, and Ed realizes that this will be the first time he's ever lived alone. Except for the time he lived with Liz and Chrissy, referencing yet another long-gone TV show, Three's Company.
The lovely couple arrive at the local Real Estate Agent's, and Ed tells her up front that he wants to skip looking at any bad houses, and that they can go straight to the good ones. Ed knows how agents work: they show you the worst houses first and hope you buy them. I sat there and tried to follow his reasoning, but couldn't keep up with him. The agent is taken aback and tries to change the subject by asking if the couple are newlyweds. Carol says they're not married. Ed says they are. Carol says they're not. Ed quietly says, "She's not well. She was hit on the head by a falling coconut." The agent agrees to show them her best houses tomorrow.
Dr. Jerome is sitting at his desk when Mike walks in. Mike asks, "How's things?" Jerome drones on and on about a number of trivial things eating away at his ass, including the art of cinema going downhill and the fact that his daughter is marrying a Moroccan -- the guy even wears a Fez. Mike stands there, letting the man go on and on. He waits for a pause and then begins expressing his dissatisfaction with Dr. Scottie's being hired. Jerome asks Mike to take his hand. Mike's hesitant, but holds Dr. Jerome's hand. It's withered, leathery, and stiff. Jerome tells Mike that his days as the town's physician are nearing an end, and he wants to make sure the practice is left in good hands. Mike points out that he was hired on the premise that he would be inheriting the practice when Jerome retires. Jerome informs Mike, "You are, as they said in the post-grunge metal world of the early '90s, a slacker." He adds that he has to keep his patient's best interests in mind when turning the practice over. Mike says, "Thanks for the chat," and leaves Jerome's office. I get the hunch that Mike isn't really thankful for the chat, and is displaying more irony than earnest. But that's just me.
Ed shows up at Charlie's house and knocks on the door. Charlie answers and thinks that Ed is the Indian food guy. Ed says no, he's Ed Stevens. Charlie says, "I'm going to call you Jerry. It's just more fun to say." They make some small talk and I can't decide if Charlie is delusional, eccentric, or has Alzheimers. Because he's making little to no sense at all. Charlie tells Ed to take all his stuff and divide it amongst his survivors. A son, daughter-in-law, two nephews, a niece, and Molly. He asks Ed if he likes Beefaroni. Ed expresses a slight interest in the canned food product. Charlie says he's leaving Ed the Beefaroni that he stocked up during the Y2K scare. Ed asks if there's any other survivors that he's leaving out. Charlie says Ron. Ed asks who Ron is. Charlie replies, "My lover." Ed tries to act like that revelation didn't just blast him in the solar plexus, but Ed's not exactly known for his wide range of emotions, and it's pretty obvious that he's shocked. Charlie tells Ed to wait until he tastes the Chicken Vindaloo that's being delivered. "You'll have fireworks shooting out your ass," he tells Ed as we fade to...commercials.
Ed's in the alley; Kenny wants to bounce a joke off him. Kenny tells a horrible joke about a Jewish astronaut, the punchline of which is in Yiddish. Ed asks where he got the joke, and Kenny shamefully shows Ed his dog-eared copy of The Treasury of Yiddish Humor. Ed suggests that Kenny start with a broader base of comedy. Kenny accepts this advice like it was gold blocks from Fort Knox.
Molly saunters in and tells Ed that Charlie really seemed to like him. Ed says the meeting went well. Molly tells Ed that they had to put Charlie in a hospital. Ed is concerned because he seemed okay the day before. Molly says he puts up a good front. "And a pretty hairy back too," I hoot at my television screen, slapping my knee and guffawing at my own lame joke. Ed asks Molly whether Charlie ever told her any surprising facts about himself, trying to figure out if the Mollusk knows anything about her grandfather's homosexuality. Molly thinks for a second and says that in 1952, he was hitchiking and was picked up by Zeppo Marx. Molly asks Ed if everything's okay, and Ed gives her a look like he was just told by her grandfather that the old coot was a closet queen.
Ed is saved by the gong: Phil has wheeled out a huge gong and is banging away at it. Ed reminds Phil that there will be no gonging the contestants on Open Mic Night. Phil says, "Then I'll go to Plan B." Ed reminds Phil that there will be no long hooks either.
At Dr. Jerome's office, Mike's walking down the hallway when he overhears Dr. Scottie. Dr. Scottie is having a soap-opera moment with Mrs. Andrews, informing her that she's going to be okay, but in the hokiest way possible. It's ten times more schmaltzy and corny than any soap opera and just oozes with smarminess. Hokey, schmaltzy, corny and smarmy. I think I summed the scene up quite nicely, there.
Ed and Carol are out house hunting with the real estate agent when they arrive at the first home. It's a quaint house, but nothing to write home about. The agent begins her spiel on the home when Ed stops her with a "whoa, whoa, whoa." Ed specifically told this woman to skip the bad houses and take him straight to the good houses. This was clearly a bad house. The agent begs to differ, but Ed won't have any of it. "Take me to a worse house on your list," Ed dares the agent. The agent piles them into the car and takes them to a much nicer house than the first one. The Agent is trying to tell Ed that he doesn't want this house; even Carol joins in on the fun, telling Ed that the windows and front door of the home make a mean face. Ed fires the agent on the spot for showing him a bad house first.
After witnessing Dr. Scottie's rapport with his patients, Mike tries his hand at delivering a soap opera-like moment with his patient. A guy's sitting there as Mike slowly announces that the man's Athlete's Foot has been cured. The guy is clearly not impressed and says, "Great." Mike begins getting melodramatic and loud in the hopes that that Dr. Jerome will come and witness Mike's concern for his patient. Jerome finally enters the doorway as Mike's drama is reaching its crescendo. Mike goes to hug his patient, saying, "Come here, you magnificent bastard!" That gets my vote for "Line of the Night."
Mike and Nancy are then shown in a restaurant talking about Mike's job and Mike's utter discontent with Dr. Jerome. Mike doesn't know what to do at his job, and can see his chances at someday inheriting the practice dwindling. Carol and Ed show up, and it seems like the perfect time for the weekly $10 bet. This week, Mike bets Ed that he won't give his order to the waitress in rhyme. Okay...this is the lamest $10 bet these two have had to date. Ed gives his order in rhyme, and it is so godawful it doesn't bear repeating here. BUT, in the spirit of Ed's weekly $10 bets, I was in the drive-thru lane of KFC this week with a buddy and when we got to the window, I bet him $10 he would NOT greet the girl behind the window, "What up, Moesha?" when he forked over the money. He didn't do it. And he didn't win ten bucks either.
Back at the hospital, Molly's paying Charlie a visit. She hands him a gift, and Charlie makes her promise not to bring any more gifts to the hospital. Molly explains that she's a high-school teacher and has more money than she knows what to do with. This sly joke goes right over Gay Gramps's head as he opens up his gift -- a photo album filled with pictures from his past. His wife, family, etc. This kind of freaks Charlie out, and he comments that this feels like an episode of The Twilight Zone. Grandpa starts teasing Molly about her feelings for Ed. Molly doesn't come right out and say she's got feelings for Ed, but I called it weeks ago -- Molly gets her groove on for Ed. Gramps is reminding Molly that there are no secrets between them when Ed and Carol walk in. Carol has brought Charlie some cupcakes. Charlie says, "Great. Put them in my IV Bag -- they'll dissolve." Charlie asks that the ladies leave the room for a minute while he and Ed talk. Ed's butt muscles clench in fear as he anticipates Charlie's strong-arm seduction tactics, but all Charlie wants to do is intial and sign his last will and testament. Charlie's curious as to whether Ed was taken aback by his admission that he was a catcher for the visiting team. Ed says it didn't bother him at all. Charlie says, "Well, it did me," and begins to unravel the tale of how he got gay. He loved his wife for thirty-five years. She passed away. He was having a beer in a bar when Ron walked in. Ron's a widower too. They started going fishing together, playing bingo, shuffleboard, whatever the hell it is that old people do to pass the time before the Grim Reaper shows up on their back porch. Then one day, out of the clear blue sky...it happened. These two straight senior citizens got down to a little thing the scientists like to call...homosexual sex. Thankfully, Charlie wasn't able to go into detail on their sex life. I just wasn't ready for a sordid confession of how Charlie found himself with his buddy's testicles bouncing on his chin one Sunday afternoon.
Meanwhile, Molly's grilling Carol about her relationship with Ed. Carol says they're just hanging out and enjoying a comfortable relationship as friends. Molly basically forces Carol to admit that there's nothing romantic going on between them. Carol freely admits it...they're JUST good friends. Molly thinks it's time they changed the subject, so she changes it to the word "sherbet" and how some people just want to call it "sherbert." There is no second "r." It's just one of those things. All right...I'm now CONVINCED that Molly will bed Ed before Carol ever gets to tango in the sheets with him. I believe it will come after a drunken night of celebration. Molly will force herself on him. Ed hasn't been laid since his wife was swapping spit with the mailman, so he'll be all over Molly like hot fudge on a fat guy's ice cream. The day, they wake up and Ed wants to chew his arm off while Molly's more hyper than a Price Is Right contestant. That's what I predict is going to happen. My telepathic skills aren't quite what they used to be, but I'm rolling on strong vibes right now, dude.
Back at Charlie's bedside, Charlie is telling Ed that Ed's the only person who knows about his secret sex life with Ron...although Ron may have a hunch. He thinks most of his family would be able to accept it, but his son George is a man's man and he would be the hardest to convince. Charlie can't decide if he wants to take this secret to the grave with him, or if he should tell everyone and let the consequences be damned. Charlie decides that he wants his family to know his alternative lifestyle and tells Ed to go and gather the family to come into his room for a quick meeting and opinions on some new drapes for his room.
Dr. Scottie is in his office when Mike walks in. Mike informs Dr. Scottie that Dr. Jerome's practice was supposed to be left to him when Jerome retires. That's why Mike took the job -- to inherit the practice. Mike says he's only asking for Dr. Scottie's sympathy, and to please tell Dr. Jerome that he doesn't want the practice, and that Dr. Jerome should let Mike have it. Scottie says he understands completely and doesn't want to step on any toes. He'd be glad to tell Jerome to hand over the practice to Mike when the time comes. He then tells Mike that his friends call him Dr. Scot-TAY. Mike tells him to "try me again when I'm drunk."
Phil is at the head of a huge line for Open Mic auditions. A man is standing at the front of the line with a lute. Phil cannot believe a guy showed up with a lute and asks, "What? Are you from The Hobbit or something?" Phil passes on the guy with the lute. is Warren and his guitar. The conversation starts thus:
Phil: What's your name?
Warren: Warren Cheswick.
Phil: Great stage name. What's your real name?
Warren: Warren Cheswick.
Phil [nodding]: Perfect.
Yet another reason why Phil is my hero. Warren explains that he has a band -- the Warren Cheswick Experience. (Phil: "That's so original.") Phil says that the band can play the Open Mic night on one condition -- that Phil gets to sing lead.
Back at the hospital, Charlie's family is gathering outside his door, wondering what the meeting will be about. Just then, a doctor walks up to tell them that Charlie has passed away to that big gold lamé cloud in the sky. Which leaves Ed in a bit of a sticky situation as we go to...COMMERCIALS.
Back in the bowling alley, Kenny is doing his impression of Robin Williams as Mork calling Orson. It's quite possibly the single worst impression ever performed on network television, even worse than the impression that Robert Downey Jr. gives of a sober person. Phil sees Ed all dressed up in his black suit and says, "Hey Bossco. Going to a funeral?" Ed solemnly answers, "Yes, I am." Phil feels a bit more stupid after that exchange.
Ed and Carol get in his car and Ed asks Carol a hypothetical question that is, of course, all about him and his problems with the gay grandfather secret. Carol needs more info, and Ed swears her to secrecy before telling her that Charlie was gay. Carol's shocked. Ed explains that nobody knows, and that Charlie was just about to tell everyone he was gay when he died. He asks Carol what to do. Carol has no idea. Ed wants to flip a coin or draw straws to see who tells the family now that Carol knows the big secret too. Carol decides that it would be best if Ed told the family.
Carol and Ed arrive at the funeral home, and Molly, crying, hugs them both. Molly doesn't want to waste any more time, and wants Ed to read Charlie's will at a family gathering after the funeral. Ed balks. Molly insists. Ed slumps.
Ed notices an older gentleman at the casket. It's Ron. Ed says that when he saw him, he could guess that Ron was an old friend. Maybe an old schoolmate or a fellow trombone player. Ed quickly realizes the "trombone player" gaffe and tries to bounce back from the unsolicited slur, but Ron catches him. "He told you?" Ron asks suspiciously. "Yes," Ed answers. "Did he tell anyone else?" Ron quizzes. "No," Ed answers again. "Good," Ron says. "Nice to meet you." Ron walks away.
Ed runs after Ron and meets him in the lobby. Ed says they need to talk, and tells Ron that Charlie was just about to come out of the closet when he died. Ed needs some guidance here, and asks Ron what to do. Ed suggests that this whole "Gramps was gay" speech may sound even better coming from Gramps's Boy Toy. Ron then asks a simple question that sums up the two geriatric gay guys perfectly. "Do you know how hard it is to hide the fact that you love someone?" Ed can relate, because he has to act like he's Carol's friend, rather than be honest about wanting to slap her ass behind closed doors, for several weeks now.
We skip over to Warren's garage, where the Warren Cheswick Experience is rehearsing a song Phil has apparently written for the band. The keyboard player is Harold, the kid who wanted to sue the old guy for rigging his shack with a cantapult a few episodes back. The music is the most painful batch of horse shit I've ever had to listen to. I was clawing at my ears with plastic sporks from KFC the entire time the band was playing. The band comes to a screeching halt and Warren is PUMPED. "We just blew the roof off that mother," he yells and then adds, "...or something." Harold thinks different. Harold thought the song sucked dirty turtle tits. What it boils down to is Harold doesn't want to play a song written by a bowling-alley guy. The only reason Harold's even in the band is because he was told he would never have to compromise his artistic vision in the band. Warren corrects Harold and says that the only reason he's in the band is because he received a Casiotone for his Bar Mitzvah.
At the reading of Charlie's will, Ed starts the proceedings by chatting nervously about Charlie. He says he was a special guy. Loving... "Brave," chimes in a family member. "Gay," Ed adds quickly. "Soooo...on with the will." Charlie's son George says, "Can you repeat that last piece of business?" Ed realizes that he has to tell them. "Charlie was gay," he announces to the stunned family. "He intended to tell you himself, but he passed away before we could get in there. Questions? Comments?" The moment is silent and then Ron walks in. "I'm Ron Jeffries, Charlie's partner," he announces to the family. Ed says, "I see you've brought a meatloaf, Ron." Ron corrects Ed: "It's a cajun meatloaf." Muh God. I LOVE cajun meatloaf. The words "Cajun Meatloaf" begat even more commercials.
Slamming in to the last ten minutes of the show, Mike walks into Dr. Jerome's office with the finished results of a project that he has been working on for two years. This project cross-references every patient ever seen by the doctors and maps out their illnesses in a way that you and I will never imagine. But after he bursts in and makes his stunning announcement, he notices that Dr. Jerome is too busy surfing the internet and talking to a group of world wide physicians with the help of precious little Dr. Scottie. At this moment, Dr. Jerome is talking to a doctor in Sri Lanka. Mike looks at the screen and sees a Sri Lankan doctor staring at him saying, "Hello America!" Dr. Jerome can give two craps about Mike these days, and Mike can sense it. Kinda like the kid in The Sixth Sense could see dead people, except Mike can see he's about to lose his job.
Carol and Ed are bowling, or at least the closest thing to bowling since Carol keeps rolling gutter balls. Molly walks in, and Carol apologizes for ducking out on her the night she found out her grandpa was a homo. Molly thinks nothing of it and announces that she has come to thank Ed. Molly tells Ed that Charlie meant more to her than anything, and the fact that he had to hide who he was upset her. She was glad Charlie came out, if that's what made him happy. Molly says it sounds corny, but she learned something from Charlie and Ed. If you have something to say, a feeling to convey, just blurt it out, consequences be damned. Ed thinks that Molly's an open book and has nothing left to admit in public. Molly teases Ed: "You'd be so surprised." For instance...she's always been strangely attracted to Karl Malden. "Maybe it's the nose," she says. "It's big," Ed adds. "Not as big as what you're probably packing down there, Ed Stevens," she says, gesturing toward his crotch. "What? This?" Ed says as he whips out his shlong in the middle of the bowling alley. Molly gasps. "Oh, let me take it now, you macho stud stallion," Molly says as she falls to her knees and applies some Blistex to her cracked and dirty lips.
...Sorry. I've been reading way too many Jackie Collins novels lately.
Back at the doctor's office, Dr. Scottie and Dr. Jerome decide to let Mike off the hook. Dr. Scottie was only on loan for a week from another doctor to help Mike become more motivated in his work, and apparently this little Pavlovian experiment did the trick on the Mikemaster. Mike exhales for the first time in a week and it looks like he will inherit the practice after all.
Molly asks Ed if he's still looking for a house. After blowing through every single real estate agent in town, yeah...it looks like Ed still needs a house. Molly offers Charlie's house. She says they want to "keep it in the family." A-HA! More chicanery from Molly! I'm no brain surgeon, but I can see what's going on here. Molly is giving Ed the house. She's going to woo him and buy him nice baubles. She's going to show up on his door step one stormy night, soaking wet and freezing. He's going to strip her down, put a blanket around her and stick her in front of the fireplace. She's going to ask to be held. He's going to sit down to her, hold her naked frame, the blanket will fall down, Ed will get a glance at Molly's pups, and they will have a torrid affair with many children coming soon afterwards.
I'm such a fucking romantic sometimes.
While Molly is trying to get Ed to move in to Charlie's house, a delivery man comes into the picture. "Excuse me," the delivery guy says. "But I have seventy-two cases of Beefaroni here for Jerry Stevens." That Charlie. Still making them laugh from beyond the grave.
Finally, it's Open Mic Night. Kenny's working the door, holding people behind a velvet rope, except the people are just Carol, Mike, Nancy, and Molly. It looks like a really bad night at Studio 54. Phil comes out, surveys the crowd, points out the three women and has Kenny let them in the bowling alley, leaving Mike outside. Mike tries to sneak in and Kenny stops him with a stern "Mikey!"
Inside, the festivities are hopping. Kenny has finally decided to just go with his Gallagher impression, smashing a watermelon to a huge pop from the audience. It's nice to see the art of smashing watermelons is not lost on the citizens of Stuckeyville.
The Warren Cheswick Experience takes the stage. Phil looks like a dead ringer for Jim Morrison as he sways to this godawful song he has written about Stuckeyville. The song serves as the backdrop for this episode's music montage tying up all the loose ends in the show. Charlie's family is united and looks at peace with the bombshell Ed's dropped on them. Molly drops a key in Ed's hand. Apparently, those are the only two loose ends of the show, now that Carol's gotten over the evil Nick Stanton.
Phil introduces Warren Cheswick "on the axe." Warren launches into the most painful guitar solo ever heard in the history of mankind and walks out into the audience while playing. He walks down the aisle with one intention: impressing Carol with his new rock-star persona. Carol's clapping away as Warren falls to his knees, bends backwards, and keeps strumming his guitar to make sounds like an elephant going through a hysterectomy with no sedatives. He finishes his solo, leans into Carol's face and says, "I'll be outside in the van," then runs out of the building. The audience is going wild, Carol's laughing, and Phil is screaming his rock star clichés into the microphone. The show ends with Phil hollering, "Be good to each other!"
If you're not watching this show...you're wrong. Ed is the best new show on television. And that's the bottom line because Brad F'n Pitt said so.