No recap this week to open the show. If you haven't been watching Ed, you're bound to be lost because the recap is kaput, mein freund. You'd better switch over to The Simpsons now...because you're going to be as lost as a three-year-old in the great outdoors if you try to latch onto this puppy now.
Ed and Mike are tooling around the grocery store. Ed's acting like a little kid after polishing off a one-pound bag of M&Ms. The guy is positively giddy as he rides on the back of the cart. Ed is telling Mike that he loves everything about Thanksgiving, but mostly he loves the traditions. Thanksgiving is full of traditions. I know what he means, because over at the Pitt Palace our biggest Thanksgiving tradition is duct-taping Granny to an army cot, hiding raw beef in her panties, and letting the dogs sniff her. Mike asks Ed if he's going to be okay during Thanksgiving...what with his recent divorce and all. Ed insists he'll be fine. Mike pats himself on the back for setting up a preemptive emotional strike by bringing up Ed's ex-wife Liz. In Mike's eyes, Ed can no longer get depressed, because Mike brought her up first. Ed congratulates Mike on being a shrewd master of the human psyche. They gravitate toward the Meat aisle, where this week's $10 bet takes place. Mike bets Ed $10 that he won't walk up to the grocery store's manager and ask where the lettuce is. Ed asks if that's it. Of course it isn't...this is Ed's world...nothing is ever as easy as that. He asks to pronounce lettuce "let-tooce." Ed walks over to the manager and asks where they keep the let-tooce in the store. The manager looks at Ed like he's nuts. Ed says, "You know...like what they use in salads." The manager says, "You mean lettuce?" Ed says yes. The manager says "What kinda jackass calls it 'let-tooce'?"
The answer creeps up in the opening credits..."Ed."
Breakfast at Mike and Nancy's. Ed comes bounding into the room, crowing about how Thanksgiving is only five days away...or, as he likes to call it, "Turkey Day." Nancy asks Ed if he's depressed, this being the first major holiday that he was divorced if you don't count Halloween. Ed swears he's not depressed; in fact, he's going to Sarasota to visit his parents. Mike asks if there's anything they can do, and Ed says yes, I'd like to sleep with Nancy just once. Mike says he'd like to sleep with Nancy just once. Nancy asks them to please quit making jokes about the lack of sex in their relationship. Methinks Nancy has a tattoo on her ass that says "Frigidaire."
Ed brings up the fact once again that Thanksgiving is all about traditions. This much foreshadowing this early into the episode makes me think that the episode is going to be about traditions. It's that kinda thinking process that propelled me into the top 89 percent of my senior class. Ed brings up the halftime cannon at the Stuckeyville High Homecoming game...and of course the ultimate Thanksgiving tradition...Skid Ball! Skid Ball is basically a bunch of idiots watering down the school's football field and playing football in the mud, skidding all around the turf. The words "Skid Ball" prompt Nancy to bellow in a low octave the words "SKID BALL!" over and over until it instinctively made me slap my TV screen.
In Ed's office, the ultimate nerd and his mother walk in and introduce themselves. It's Gavin Trabull, Stuckeyville's resident dweeb. It seems Gavin and some of his geeky nerd high-school friends broke into a man's lake house to experiment with alcohol on Halloween night. The only problem being, the house was booby-trapped with a catapult, and Gavin had his shoulder dislocated by a flying cantaloupe. Ed is shocked because he used to do the exact same thing; in fact, he and his buddies broke into the exact same house.
Blimey...it's a Stuckeyville TRADITION. Who saw THAT one coming?
Gavin just wants to sue for medical expenses. Ed agrees to take the case. Gavin says, "Thank you, Mr. Stevens." Ed says, "Call me Ed." The kid says, "I'd prefer not to."
Phil, Shirley, and Kenny burst through the bowling alley's front door, each carrying frozen turkeys under their arms. Phil asks Ed if he can borrow $500, and then goes down a list of every slang word for money that there is, and quite a few new ones. I've never heard money referred to as "Jack Trippers," so I'm assuming that's a new one. Ed would like to know why Phil needs $500. Phil has decided that he's getting into the Fine Corinthian Turkeys business. As America scratches its collective head and wonders aloud if our sweetheart Phil has lost it, Phil explains the concept of Fine Corinthian Turkeys. They're regular frozen turkeys, repackaged and repriced as Fine Corinthian Turkeys. Phil can smell the millions of Jack Trippers just rolling in. Ed asks how he plans on getting rich selling repackaged turkeys. Phil corrects him: "I'm not selling turkeys...I'm selling dreams."
Carol and Ed are then walking down a street. Ed asks about Gavin Trabull, and Carol admits that he's an odd cookie. Ed tells Carol the story of Gavin and his lawsuit, and Carol calls the contraption that hurt Gavin a "cantapult." They then talk about Halloweens past, and Ed admits that he still remembers the time in high school when Carol dressed up as the Catwoman at one of the Halloween parties. He remembers the details of her costume. Carol can't decide if this is totally adorable or totally creepy. Ed tells Carol that thoughts of her in her Catwoman suit got him and his buddies through most of the winter, insinuating that they masturbated while fantasizing about her. Carol admits that statement tipped the scale toward totally creepy. Ed asks what she's doing for Thanksgiving. Carol says she's going to be alone and actually looking forward to it.
At Mike and Nancy's, the only two people lovable enough on the show to be in an actual relationship are discussing Thanksgiving plans of their own. Nancy's parents are coming. It is established that Mike feels uncomfortable around Nancy's dad, because all he does is sit there and stare at Mike. Mike decides that this year, he's turning the tables on Pops; he's just going to stare back in silence instead of constantly starting up lame conversations that would qualify as some of Ed and Carol's patented Awkward Small Talk.
We then see Ed on the phone, talking to his parents. As it turns out, his parents won't be around to enjoy Thanksgiving with the little Ed-head. They're going to France with some Norwegian friends. I think "Norwegian" must be one of David Letterman's favorite words, because this is twice that the word has been used in the series. "Wow, Brad Pitt," you must be thinking. "Is it against the law to use the word 'Norwegian' twice in one season?" No, my pointy-headed little reader of Ed recaps, it isn't. But when was the last time you used the word "Norwegian" twice in one year to get a laugh? Thus, my point...signed, sealed, and delivered to you in a nice big shiny Norwegian package.
Out in Mike and Nancy's front yard, Stuckeyville's only married couple are raking leaves. Ed comes running out with a wild idea. How about, this year, Ed's in charge of Thanksgiving dinner? He even promises to make Natalie Stevens' famous pumpkin pie. Mike salivates like Pavlov's dog at the sound of those words. Ed is ready to start a new TRADITION for Thanksgiving. Nancy doesn't think it's such a good idea, because her parents are coming, and they're pretty traditional when it comes to what they eat on Thanksgiving Day. She finally relents, because she knows what it will mean to their recently-divorced live-in buddy if he's in charge of Thanksgiving. Ed gets as giddy as he was in the grocery store and quotes a sign from the roller coaster at Coney Island. "Hang on to your wigs and keys"...the first annual Edward J. Stevens Thanksgiving Dinner is underway. As Ed scampers away, Nancy mutters, "Oh God, don't let him screw it up."
Back from commercials, we now visit Carol and a slim, slender new friend of Car...wait a second...is that..is that Molly?? My gosh...Molly is REALLY shedding some pounds these days! She's actually svelte! I have no reason to ever make fun of her weight again...she has REALLY lost some inches around the old southern hemisphere.
The afore-mentioned comment was made solely to appease all the grossly overweight women who read these recaps and complain about my Molly comments ad nauseam. I get it, ladies. You don't like it when I poke fun at fat women. I hear you loud and clear. Now...go suck a Twinkie and get over it, El Tubbo Wubbo.
Anyway...Carol and Molly are standing there in the vegetable aisle talking about holidays and traditions when Ed pops up, inviting them both to his first annual Thanksgiving dinner. Molly jumps at the chance, while Carol remains reserved and cool...she's actually looking forward to a Thanksgiving dinner alone. Ed lays the groundwork for an episode down the line when he tells Molly that they are "two peas in a pod," and Molly stares at him with her eyes just a-twinkling. I'm telling you guys right now...Ed will nail Molly before he gets in Carol's long johns. The Pittster sees all. He just doesn't understand three quarters of it.
Back at the office, Ed is questioning Public Nerdemy #1. It seems that Gavin and the owner of the lake house, Frank Jordan, have already been to court when both parties sued each other and the judge threw the case out of court. I have a quick comment: this incident happened on Halloween; now it's four days until Thanksgiving. Are the writers of Ed trying to tell me that there's already been one court case and now there'll be two in an incident that is barely three weeks old? I'm no stickler for details, but this one seems a bit ludicrous to me.
Ed asks Gavin to leave the room so he can talk to Gavin's mom and lay some of that steamy Ed rap down on her and perhaps get a little nerd mama nookie, if you get my drift. Gavin leaves the room, and Ed tells the Mom that Gavin comes across as a middle-aged stockbroker and not a normal teen. In order for them to stand a chance in court, Gavin has to act like a human being and not an android. Mom says she'll talk to him about it.
Out in the alley, Kenny is SCREAMING at Gavin. "Are you smiling at me," Kenny yells and then gets right in his face: "DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT SMILING AT ME!" Ed calls off the dogs and asks Kenny what the hell is he trying to do. Kenny says he's trying to scare Gavin straight. Ed says that won't be necessary. Kenny shrugs and walks away.
At Couple Central, Nancy's parents drive up in the driveway. Baby Sara, the worst actor on television directly behind Rob Lowe, is wearing a bird house on her head. Ahhh, it's not a bird house...it's a big-assed toboggan hat. Nancy's dad gets out of the car, pulls some luggage out of the trunk, and hands it to Mike without a word. Mike stares at him. Dad stares at Mike. Brad puts down his pen, flexes his wrist, and enjoys this plotline more than any other plotline offered up in the history of Ed. If the characters stay silent, the notes for the show are a lot easier to read.
In court, Ed is questioning Gavin. Gavin has dropped the "middle-aged stockbroker" facade and is now trying desperately to act like a normal teen. When Ed asks if he saw the "No Trespassing" signs on the property, Gavin says, "Well, you know...like...yeah...you know...like...yeah...I saw them, dude. But we were just...you know...hanging out...yo." This guy is such a hopeless nerd that he can't even act like a normal teen. Ed then tries to demonstrate how the cantapult works, but before he can really demonstrate it, the mechanism goes off and hurls a cantaloupe at a painting on the walls of the courtroom, smacking it off the wall with alarming force. I was shocked that the kid only had his shoulder dislocated and not torn clean off like the beginning of Saving Private Ryan.
Outside the local Stuckeyville grocery store, Phil is conducting a turkey taste test. Kenny and Shirley stroll up to "try" the taste test. This doesn't go over too well, because between the three of them, they have an IQ of 100, with Phil accounting for 80 IQ points. Phil offers his coworkers two cups brimming with turkey chunks. They both try some turkey out of the first cup...it sucks. They both taste out of the second cup and both exclaim, "Yum!" Phil whispers for them to say "Yum" louder, because the taste test is not drawing the audience that he was hoping for. They both practically holler, "Yum." Shirley admits loudly that it tastes like a party in her mouth. I've had the same compliment presented to me on several occasions as well...but there wasn't any turkey involved, if you get my drift.
People start walking up to the taste test booth to see what the big hubbub is about. As people start asking for their samples, Phil tosses all the turkey to the ground and announces that anyone wanting Fine Corinthian Turkeys will have to come by the Stuckey Bowl on Thanksgiving morning to pick up them up.
Carol shows up at the bowling alley and tells Ed that she's changed her mind, she doesn't want to be alone for Thanksgiving after all and wants to be included in Edward J. Stevens First Annual Thanksgiving Dinner feast. Ed says sure, and then he goes into a rambling soliloquy on TRADITION, including his and his ex-wife's Thanksgiving tradition. Every year, they'd break the wishbone, and whoever lost had to dish stuffing out on the other's plate and say, "You could have had any wish and you wanted me to put stuffing on your plate?" Ed admits it was a pretty shabby tradition. Carol says that she and Nick used to have the tradition that they would give each other a sugared lemon each year...because their love was bittersweet. Even though Carol wants to be a person who likes to be alone, she's not quite there yet. I suggest she commit a horrendous crime, go to prison, whack one of the wardens, get tossed into "the hole" for a month, and then see how much she likes being alone. Unfortunately, Carol can't hear me, because I'm at home in my recliner and she's in Stuckeyville.
Ed suggests a new TRADITION...this year, the two friends will cook the Edward J. Stevens First Annual Thanksgiving Dinner together...an emotional buddy system. Carol agrees. Ed's happy and says that with this gesture, they will prove a point to each other, and then celebrate by making sweet, sweet love. Carol says, "What?!?" and Ed mumbles, "Just a thought."
That wacky Ed. Always looking for new and innovative ways to dry-hump and then finally bone the bejeezus out of Carol. He's such a romantic. He's obviously read my latest novel, Brad F'n Pitt's 101 Surefire Methods To Bag A Ho.
After a rapid succession of commercials, we visit Mike and his father-in-law eating in silence. I'm so in heaven with this plotline; there's nothing to recap. Finally, Ed walks in, and Dad-in-law warms up instantly to the Edster, making Mike feel like a kid who just shit his pants in front of his peers: awkward, embarrassed, and so alone. Ed turns to Mike and says that after the Edward J. Stevens First Annual Thanksgiving Dinner, they are going to be playing a little Skid Ball. Mike looks dejected as he tells Ed that they're going to be going to Nancy's grandfather's house. Ed says that's all right, going to Grandpa's is a tradition full of thunderous splendor. Nancy's mom asks when did Ed start talking like a homosexual? Everyone chuckles, because Ed is soooo non-homosexual. Nancy's mom tries to rectify her politically incorrect statement by saying that it was a compliment to both Ed and homosexuals, since homosexuals have such excellent vocabularies.
I tend to disagree. Although homosexuals may harbor distinctive speech patterns, not all homosexuals have an uncanny and impervious knack for the spoken word.
Ed then visits the Stuckeyville High Homecoming Game and sees Gavin standing to the halftime cannon. He runs over to suck up to Gavin, when it's so obvious that he's just using Gavin so that he can shoot off the cannon at halftime, thus fulfilling yet another TRADITION. Gavin is staring at one of the cheerleaders through binoculars. Ed checks her out; she's a pretty young girl that looks like a young Carol. Ed hems and haws and finally asks to shoot off the cannon. Gavin tells him it's all his as he steps aside. Ed counts with the clock down to halftime, pulls the cord, and...nothing. Apparently, the loud boom from the cannon was upsetting parents, who said the sound hurt their children's ears. Yet another TRADITION left on the side of the traditional highway. Ed asks Gavin if he's talked to the cheerleader yet. Gavin starts to give the same spiel that all nerds use when confronted with their obsessions with one of the beautiful people. Ed tells him to talk to her...trust ol' Ed. He used to be in those shoes...a classless nerd who pined for the cheerleader. And now, here he is...a semi-successful lawyer still pining for the cheerleader who just wants to be "friends."
Coincidentally, the scene finds Ed and Carol pumpkin hunting, trying to find the perfect pumpkin for Natalie Stevens' Pumpkin Pie. They're talking about their childhood as Ed confesses he always wanted to be a professional basketball player growing up. Carol then goes into a story on how her mother died when she was twelve, and she spent most of her formative years caring for her younger sister because Daddy was a sonofagun who worked all the time. Ed now sees Carol in a different light...not as the bouncy cheerleader, but as a mother figure. Carol kinda blows it off, but it's a sweet moment...one of the sweeter ones this show has produced. So sweet, in fact, that I think I got diabetes just from watching this one scene.
Back in court, Frank Jordan is being examined. He admits he had fifty "No Trespassing" signs all over his lake house shack, but kids still broke into it every year. When he invented the cantapult, he was at his wit's end. Ed then begins his cross-examination. He asks if Frank remembers him. Frank looks at him and says "no." Ed explains that, years ago, he too broke into Mr. Jordan's shack to drink some booze, and Mr. Jordan waved a shotgun at him. "I wouldn't have killed somebody," was Mr. Jordan's defense. Ed brought up the velocity in which his cantapult hurled the cantaloupe at the painting in the courtroom the day before, and concludes that indeed the cantapult could kill a man. Or a nerdy teenager looking to catch a buzz off a warm Miller Lite.
Meanwhile, Phil is inside the grocery store, hanging up a huge sign in the front window apologizing to the customers, but the shipment of Fine Corinthian Turkeys is not going to make it to the store in time for Thanksgiving. As the store manager walks over to see what Phil's doing, Phil segues into this sleazy rap about how he's in upper management, and that the truth is somebody dropped the ball at corporate with these Fine Corinthian Turkeys and never ordered them. So rather than look stupid for not having these hot Thanksgiving items, he's saving face for the store by not admitting they were too stupid to order the turkeys. The manager agrees and helps him hang up the sign. That Phil is one smooth feller.
During the final arguments, Ed says that Gavin is just a normal kid taking part in a local silly TRADITION. Frank Jordan doesn't have the right to kill harmless teens looking to drink a little beer and freebase a little coke. Frank's attorney hops up for his turn and says that this tradition is not only dumb and silly, but it's also illegal. "Not all traditions are meant to last," the attorney says. He adds that if Gavin had obeyed the fifty signs outside the property, his shoulder would be okay today. And if Floridians were smart enough to know how to reach election ballots, we might know who our president would be by now.
After about twelve seconds of deliberation, the jury finds for...THE DEFENDANT! ED LOSES!! ED LOSES!! ED LOSES!! Never in the history of Ed has Ed blatantly lost a case. He's had some dissolve before getting to court, but NEVER anything like this. I've got to admit...my heart was racing a mile a minute over the outcome of this gripping tale.
In the kitchen at the bowling alley, Carol is busy preparing for the Thanksgiving feast. Ed walks in and begins packing everything up, quoting the man who just kicked his judicial ass by saying, "Not all traditions are meant to last." Rather, the Edward J. Stevens First Annual Thanksgiving Dinner will be breaking ALL traditions and building new ones instead. Carol thinks he's gone off the deep end, but Ed is hell-bent on making the Edward J. Stevens First Annual Thanksgiving Dinner a unique dining experience for everyone. As Ed walks out of the kitchen, Kenny walks in and warns Carol that she's about in for the ride of her life with this new revelation. Describing Ed, Kenny says solemnly, "There goes one inspirational bastard." My sentiments exactly.
Thanksgiving morning. Dozens of people are lined up outside the Stuckey Bowl waiting patiently for their Fine Corinthian Turkeys. Phil, looking like he's breaking out of a long meditation, says quietly, "Let them come". Shirley opens the door, and the turkey buyers begin filing in through the lobby. Phil pulls out a wooden box and removes the lid to show off the Fine Corinthian Turkey inside, making a big melodramatic production out of it. The man asks how much it is. Without hesitation, Phil replies, "Three hundred dollars." The man says, "What?!?" and Phil says, "What'd you think I said? $300?? Noooo...it's $83." The man says he can get the same turkey from the store for $15. Phil, feeling the economic crunch deep in his wallet, says, "$29.99 and that's my final offer." The man walks away, and the guy laughs in Phil's face. Phil finally concedes and says, "$18," and the people agree to pay $18 for the Fine Corinthian Turkeys. Kenny walks over to Phil and hisses that Phil's gone crazy...those turkeys cost them $17 apiece. Phil's eyes meet Kenny's, and Kenny finally gets it, adding that Phil is crazy like a fox.
Back at Nancy and Mike's, Mike and Nancy's dad are just sitting there. Finally, Dad says, "That Internet is sure something." Mike is ecstatic that the man finally started a conversation. Mike beams as he kisses the man's ass with comments like, "Yes it is, Chester! It's something all right! You sure know how to start a conversation!" Nancy's dad stares at him and finally says, "What's wrong with you?" I'll tell ya, Pops...your daughter hasn't been giving up the ol' bootzilla as much as Mikey would likey, and I think it's driven the guy a bit batty. I'm no expert; this is just my opinion.
Finally, at the bowling alley, everyone is gathered for the Edward J. Stevens First Annual Thanksgiving Dinner. Ed makes a long speech about how Thanksgiving is about old but also NEW TRADITIONS, so there won't be any turkey tonight. Molly's date, an elderly man, says he hopes whatever it is that it's not full of MSG. Ed and Carol wheel out a fifty-pound meat loaf. Everyone stares in disbelief at this charred brown hunk of hamburger. Ed starts serving the meat loaf when someone complains that it's all raw inside. Ed can't believe this, because he cooked the damned thing for seventeen hours. Ed begins to panic when Phil wheels in a couple of golden brown Fine Corinthian Turkeys, saving the day as well as the TRADITION.
The obligatory slow music montage then takes place, with smiles on everyone's faces except Ed, who's visibly upset.
Everyone leaves the Bowl, thanking Ed for a lovely time. Carol's the last one out the door. Ed hands her a doggy bag full of delicious raw beef. Carol kisses him on the cheek as they exchange goodbyes.
Carol goes home, opens up the doggy bag, and finds a lemon with a packet of sugar tacked to it. That damned Ed. He really knows how to get a woman to almost give up the nookie.
Ed, who's now about as depressed as Darryl Strawberry with no crack, is sitting in his office when he begins to dial his telephone and gets his ex-wife's answering machine. Instead of leaving a message, he sits there, sighs, and then hangs up.
Mike shows up and asks how Ed's doing. Ed says fine. Mike reminds him that the first holidays alone are the toughest. Ed waxes poetically about how traditions die, traditions like the halftime cannon and breaking into old man Jordan's shack and tossing back a few brews. There's no good traditions left. Mike says, "Well then...what am I doing with these?" as he pulls out a football and a garden hose, ready for an impromptu game of Skid Ball. Ed says he can't...it's almost midnight. Mike says that the only way he'll get Ed to stop whining is to get him on the football field. I'm guessing that he could also try paying Carol to have sex with Ed, but Mike figures he'll save a little money first.
The show ends as the two of them are on a darkened high-school football field, playing a muddy game of Skid Ball and screaming, "Skid Ball!" at the top of their lungs.
NBC lets me know that I have the week off week, as Titanic will be the Sunday movie of the week. After that, Ed moves to Wednesday nights to give The West Wing a decent lead-in.
Thank God. Now I can go back to watching The Simpsons. Finally, I can have my Bart and Ed it too.