Finally, NBC listens to the Pittster and realizes that maybe, just maybe, they can drop the thirty-second recap of Ed's life at the beginning of the show and won't leave viewers in the lurch as to what the hell's going on. NBC has now replaced that repetitive recap with a "Previously...on Ed" recap which makes me dance around the room in spastic fits of joy until I fall down from chronic dizziness, hit my head on the coffee table, and black out for the duration of the recap.
We open this week's show at the Smiling Goat, where Ed sits in a booth with Mike and Nancy. Mike informs Ed that the reason the three of them are there is because Mike and Nancy want to watch Ed talk to girls. Mike and Nancy are obviously starved for entertainment. Mike tells Ed and Nancy that if Ed doesn't start talking to girls, Mike might talk to them himself. His wife tells him to "knock himself out." What a coincidence...I just knocked myself out and then this and...awww...forget it.
We zip over to Carol's house where she's throwing down at Weepy Fest 2000, by watching the classic bad movie Xanadu starring Olivia Newton-John and...and...you know...I don't remember anyone else being in that godawful flick. Carol is curled up on the couch with her Kleenex, trying desperately to get over Nick, with whom she broke up last week. Molly shows up, banging away on the window like Corey Feldman in The Lost Boys. Carol lets her in and luckily, Molly doesn't try to latch on to Carol's jugular. Molly looks larger than normal. She must have stopped and inhaled a roast pig on the way over. Molly asks Carol if Ed's asked her out since the breakup with Nick. Carol insists that Ed's a friend and would never, EEEEVER try to take advantage of her at this vulnerable stage in her life.
Back at the Smiling Goat, Ed's trying to decide how to put the moves on Carol now that she and Nick have broken up. Nancy insists that now is not the time to be pitching woo with Carol -- she's still getting her mental frame of mind back in shape. At this point, Mike decides that it's time for the weekly $10 bet. This week, Mike bets Ed that he won't walk up to a gorgeous blonde at the bar and offer to buy her a drink. Ed asks, "Is that it?" Mike tells him he has to do it with his mouth full of beer nuts. Ed takes him up on the bet and follows through, thoroughly disgusting the blonde. Ed's ten dollars richer, minus ignorance taxes.
Better DaysCarol's excusing the students from her classroom when Molly squeezes through the door. Carol is whining that every day for seven years she's passed by Nick's classroom at exactly the same time and they've winked at each other, and now she has to walk all the way around the building in order to avoid Nick's classroom. Molly gasps in horror at the prospect of having to walk a few steps out of her way, and tells Carol to quit avoiding Nick's classroom and just to walk on by. Carol decides that may be the adult thing to do. Just then, a terrifyingly ugly teacher who resembles a human owl walks in; his name is Godfrey. Godfrey informs Carol that because he's a history teacher, he's always looked at the past...but right now he sees a future for himself and Carol. At that point, I did the mother of all spit takes. Carol informs Godfrey that although his intentions are genuine, she's torn up her dance card, so to speak. Godfrey hisses and slithers out. Molly chimes in, "Today Godfrey, tomorrow Ed Stevens." Get over it, Molly, you horny she-devil...you're the only one with a mad crush on Ed.
Over at Ed's office, engaged couple Lois and Chuck are asking Ed to represent them in a lawsuit against Lois's hairdresser. Ed looks at her hair and asks, "Why?" Lois removes the wig: she looks an awful lot like avant-garde songstress Laurie Anderson with a bad case of ringworm. Ed recoils in horror from her hairstyle. Lois explains that she wanted a hairstyle that resembled Martha Stewart but she ended up looking like Rod Stewart. And now, because her hairstyle is so freakish, there's no way the wedding can take place. Ed asks if Lois's hairdresser has any reason to hate her. Lois says no. Chuck, who's bald as a baby's butt, says she's always done a perfect job on him. Duh, Chuck. Stevie Wonder could probably do a bang-up job on your bald pate. Ed informs them that they have grounds for a lawsuit and may even be able to sue Martha Stewart. The couple exchange glances that reflect dollar signs in their eyes. Ed, sensing the extreme gullibility of the two, quickly adds, "I'm kidding." The couple look as dejected as my prom date.
Meanwhile, Nick is trying to teach class, but is in obvious pain over his breakup with Carol. As he prepares to pass out a test to his class that will count as 20% of their grade, he gives the class an opportunity: if anyone can stand up and say something that moves him in any way, he will dismiss the test and give everyone an 'A.' Naturally, nobody's smart enough to stand up and say he has a gun in their backpack. One girl stands up and begins a painful story about her parents' divorce and how it's tearing her apart inside and how she doesn't think they care about her anymore. Nick hesitates for a second and then says, "I'm sorry. I'm sure your pain is real but it's all a little too familiar. You're just going to have to dig deeper." Nick checks his watch and suddenly, Carol is seen trotting past Nick's classroom door at full speed.