Finally, NBC listens to the Pittster and realizes that maybe, just maybe, they can drop the thirty-second recap of Ed's life at the beginning of the show and won't leave viewers in the lurch as to what the hell's going on. NBC has now replaced that repetitive recap with a "Previously...on Ed" recap which makes me dance around the room in spastic fits of joy until I fall down from chronic dizziness, hit my head on the coffee table, and black out for the duration of the recap.
We open this week's show at the Smiling Goat, where Ed sits in a booth with Mike and Nancy. Mike informs Ed that the reason the three of them are there is because Mike and Nancy want to watch Ed talk to girls. Mike and Nancy are obviously starved for entertainment. Mike tells Ed and Nancy that if Ed doesn't start talking to girls, Mike might talk to them himself. His wife tells him to "knock himself out." What a coincidence...I just knocked myself out and then this and...awww...forget it.
We zip over to Carol's house where she's throwing down at Weepy Fest 2000, by watching the classic bad movie Xanadu starring Olivia Newton-John and...and...you know...I don't remember anyone else being in that godawful flick. Carol is curled up on the couch with her Kleenex, trying desperately to get over Nick, with whom she broke up last week. Molly shows up, banging away on the window like Corey Feldman in The Lost Boys. Carol lets her in and luckily, Molly doesn't try to latch on to Carol's jugular. Molly looks larger than normal. She must have stopped and inhaled a roast pig on the way over. Molly asks Carol if Ed's asked her out since the breakup with Nick. Carol insists that Ed's a friend and would never, EEEEVER try to take advantage of her at this vulnerable stage in her life.
Back at the Smiling Goat, Ed's trying to decide how to put the moves on Carol now that she and Nick have broken up. Nancy insists that now is not the time to be pitching woo with Carol -- she's still getting her mental frame of mind back in shape. At this point, Mike decides that it's time for the weekly $10 bet. This week, Mike bets Ed that he won't walk up to a gorgeous blonde at the bar and offer to buy her a drink. Ed asks, "Is that it?" Mike tells him he has to do it with his mouth full of beer nuts. Ed takes him up on the bet and follows through, thoroughly disgusting the blonde. Ed's ten dollars richer, minus ignorance taxes.
Opening credits roll, I check my forehead for any excess bleeding, commercials fly by, and we're ready to start the show.
Carol's excusing the students from her classroom when Molly squeezes through the door. Carol is whining that every day for seven years she's passed by Nick's classroom at exactly the same time and they've winked at each other, and now she has to walk all the way around the building in order to avoid Nick's classroom. Molly gasps in horror at the prospect of having to walk a few steps out of her way, and tells Carol to quit avoiding Nick's classroom and just to walk on by. Carol decides that may be the adult thing to do. Just then, a terrifyingly ugly teacher who resembles a human owl walks in; his name is Godfrey. Godfrey informs Carol that because he's a history teacher, he's always looked at the past...but right now he sees a future for himself and Carol. At that point, I did the mother of all spit takes. Carol informs Godfrey that although his intentions are genuine, she's torn up her dance card, so to speak. Godfrey hisses and slithers out. Molly chimes in, "Today Godfrey, tomorrow Ed Stevens." Get over it, Molly, you horny she-devil...you're the only one with a mad crush on Ed.
Over at Ed's office, engaged couple Lois and Chuck are asking Ed to represent them in a lawsuit against Lois's hairdresser. Ed looks at her hair and asks, "Why?" Lois removes the wig: she looks an awful lot like avant-garde songstress Laurie Anderson with a bad case of ringworm. Ed recoils in horror from her hairstyle. Lois explains that she wanted a hairstyle that resembled Martha Stewart but she ended up looking like Rod Stewart. And now, because her hairstyle is so freakish, there's no way the wedding can take place. Ed asks if Lois's hairdresser has any reason to hate her. Lois says no. Chuck, who's bald as a baby's butt, says she's always done a perfect job on him. Duh, Chuck. Stevie Wonder could probably do a bang-up job on your bald pate. Ed informs them that they have grounds for a lawsuit and may even be able to sue Martha Stewart. The couple exchange glances that reflect dollar signs in their eyes. Ed, sensing the extreme gullibility of the two, quickly adds, "I'm kidding." The couple look as dejected as my prom date.
Meanwhile, Nick is trying to teach class, but is in obvious pain over his breakup with Carol. As he prepares to pass out a test to his class that will count as 20% of their grade, he gives the class an opportunity: if anyone can stand up and say something that moves him in any way, he will dismiss the test and give everyone an 'A.' Naturally, nobody's smart enough to stand up and say he has a gun in their backpack. One girl stands up and begins a painful story about her parents' divorce and how it's tearing her apart inside and how she doesn't think they care about her anymore. Nick hesitates for a second and then says, "I'm sorry. I'm sure your pain is real but it's all a little too familiar. You're just going to have to dig deeper." Nick checks his watch and suddenly, Carol is seen trotting past Nick's classroom door at full speed.
Back at the bowling alley, Ed is holding an employee meeting. The gist of the meeting is that Stuckey Bowl is not doing the kind of business that he was hoping for, so they need to find some way to get the name out. Phil suggests using nature's billboard: skywriting. In fact, Phil knows someone who's great at skywriting. Ed asks why he's so great. Phil explains that the guy crosses his Z's. Ed asks for any other suggestions. Shirley shoots her hand up. "Yes, Shirley," Ed says. Shirley looks shocked. "You weren't supposed to call on me," she says in her infinite wisdom. "In school, whenever somebody shot their hand up in the air, the teacher knew they knew the answer so they'd call on somebody who wasn't raising their hand." Kenny suggests that they film a commercial with the "Where's The Beef?" lady. He keeps chortling over how hilarious the woman was: no matter how many times she asked where the beef was, she could never find it. Phil seconds the motion that the "Where's The Beef" lady was indeed hilarious. This brain fart gives Ed an idea: a commercial. Phil hops to his feet and agrees to direct the commercial before being asked. I get the feeling we're in for yet another of Crazy Phil's Wacky Adventures.
Have I mentioned that I wish I had been born a woman so that I could someday bear Phil's love child because of my deep, insatiable lust for this character?
I thought so.
We're now visiting Carol. She's walking down the streets of Stuckeyville when Ed pops up out of nowhere. Just as we have a ten-dollar bet during each episode of Ed, we also have an "Awkward Small Talk" scene featuring Ed and Carol. Ed asks how Carol's doing, getting over Nick. Carol admits that it's hard. Ed silently asks if it's as hard as his tallywhacker right now. Carol silently says not that hard, but hard nonetheless. She then reaffirms that she's glad that she and Ed are good friends because right now she needs good friends. Ed silently curses his natural kindness and wishes he was one of those devil-may-care guys who treats women like wads of toilet paper. ["Like you, Brad!" -- Wing Chun] The two split off, and Ed walks into the hair salon that he's preparing to sue the pants off of. He speaks to Ramona the hairdresser about Lois's haircut. In so many words, Ed tells Ramona that she has the hairstyling skills of a mentally deficient sloth and that he will gladly sue her for her ineptitude. Ramona defends her techniques, insisting that she made the woman look like Martha Stewart. The shampoo guy agrees wholeheartedly. It's obvious he knows where his tips are coming from.
At lunch, Carol's whining once again to Molly and Ed that all the male teachers in school are hanging all over her like giraffe snot on a tree branch ever since she broke up with Nick. Molly, who's never had the luxury of a man hanging on her, nods her head in false agreement. Ed's still cursing that natural kindness thing. Just then, Barry, a chemistry teacher who just screams "NERD," walks up and informs Carol that he's a member of Club 109. "What's that?" Carol asks without thinking. "It's the exclusive fraternity of men who have memorized all 109 elements of the periodic table," Barry retorts, and then quickly goes down the list of all 109 elements while the three lunch-eaters feign amusement. Once he's done, he flashes a nerdy gang sign and walks away.
Ed's at the local airport, tracking down the sky writer Phil suggested. Ed tells the guy that he has a job for him. Ed needs him to write "Be Mine Carol" in the sky. The skywriter wistfully says, "You romantic bastard." Ed smiles and says, "I know."
Commercials suddenly invade my TV screen. At first I'm alarmed, but then I quickly realize that Ed will return after these brief messages.
Back at the airport, Ed's explaining that the first two times he tried to make an ass of himself to win Carol's love (the suit of armor and that horrid music video), she said "no." This is his last opportunity. The third time had better be the charm. The skywriter offers a suggestio: women hate being told what to do, so instead of writing "Be Mine Carol," the skywriter should write, "Won't You Please Be Mine Carol?" Ed agrees until the skywriter says it's $20 per letter. Nick catches on quicker than a New Mexico forest fire and points out that's how the guy makes money...expanding on people's original messages. The skywriter is dismayed that Ed would think such a thing.
Over at Mike and Nancy's, the two lovebirds are on the couch watching Mannix when Nancy decides that the two of them are just wasting their lives away sitting on the couch watching television. She suggests that they both read the first two chapters of The Sun Also Rises and discuss it the following evening. Mike looks as enthusiastic as a guy on Death Row over Nancy's latest attempt at adding spice to their relationship.
Carol and Molly are walking down the hallway. Carol informs Molly that Ed has asked her to meet him outside at precisely noon. Molly predicts that Ed's going for the big "ask-out." Carol is flabbergasted at Molly's assessment of Ed's intentions. Molly ducks away, smiling and shrugging when Carol sees Nick walking down the hallway, laughing with another female teacher. Carol quickly saddles up to the gym coach who's slurping from the water fountain, breaking into laugh mode and saying, "So that's why they call it a pommel horse, huh? That's hysterical!" just so Nick can't be having more fun than her. I seriously thought people got over such deviousness in high school. Carol and Nick say "hi," and she tells Nick she found some of his old notebooks and will bring them to him sometime. He says that will be fine. Just as the tension gets so thick you could use it as a paperweight, yet another nerd pops up behind Carol with a huge wooden bird feeder. "I made this for you in wood shop," the anonymous teacher drools. Carol rolls her eyes.
As a sidenote, being the sexiest man in the universe, I can attest to the annoyance of being constantly adored. Sure, it's okay at first, but after a while it can wear as thin as an SUV tire.
In Ed's office, Ed is telling the folically challenged couple that the case comes down to "she said, she said" over her botched hairstyle. Phil bursts throught the door with a video camera in tow, shooting footage for his commercial. He calls the bald groom "Curly" and tells him to give him some "NYPD Blue, baby...gimme Sipowicz, baby...Sipowicz." Ed asks him to stop harrassing the clientele. Phil, with a fresh hoop earring and soul patch on his lower lip, grudgingly walks out of the office.
During a stakeout of the hair salon, Ed is joined by Kenny who is way excited to be part of a stakeout since one of his favorite movies of all time was Stakeout. And then, of course, there was Another Stakeout, which was even better than the first. I think it was at this point, five episodes into the show, that I realized Kenny may be suffering a little brain damage. Ed points out a woman leaving the hair salon and Kenny leaves the car to run over and talk to the woman, trying to get her to admit she just received a bad hairdo. "She gave you a lousy haircut," Kenny informs the woman. "Lousy?" the woman asks. "Trust me," Kenny says in his reassuring way. "You look terrible."
Through the miracles of modern television, we see Ed at the local high school, pulling Carol through the crowded hallway and outside, where she will be able to witness the message that's costing him $20 per letter. Somehow, this whole scene breaks down into an ugly fight between Ed and Carol, as Carol's insistent that Ed wants to ask her out, while Ed keeps trying to assure her that his intentions are pure. The skywriter starts writing "Please be mine Carol" as Ed physically moves Carol so that she won't see the skywriting. As Carol storms away in one of her patented huffs, Ed calls the skywriter to tell him to hurry and cancel the message. The skywriter's already too far gone, but changes the message to "Please Be Mine, Carl." Carol happens to glance up in the sky and looks a bit dejected that the message wasn't for her after all.
After a batch of award-losing commercials, we resurface at Mike and Nancy's house. Nancy serves some hors d'oeuvres as she prepares for a long, sit-down discussion of one of Hemingway's finest works. Nancy asks Mike what he thinks of the book so far. Mike, shifting into treacherous bullshit mode, hems and haws and then finally admits that not only does the sun rise in the book, but the sun also sets in the book. He then begins babbling incoherently about how Hemingway enjoyed bullfights and was full of machismo. Nancy eventually figures out that Mike hasn't read the first two chapters of the book. She leaves the room in a huff while Mike offers to lead a discussion about Mariel Hemingway.
We then zip over to the bowling alley where Phil is directing a scene from the commercial which happens to feature two bodacious blonde strippers in bikinis who are coming as close to kissing each other full on the mouth as the FCC will possibly allow. Phil has gone completely Hollywood by this point, speaking in hip Hollywood lingo, and wearing the finest leather a bowling alley manager can afford. The women speak in near-orgasmic tones about how Stuckey Bowl is the hottest place to bowl, and that it's the bowling alley that they like to frequent with all their hot friends. Phil about blows a gasket as he reminds the busty stripper that it's "SUPER Hot Friends." Suddenly, Phil has turned into William Friedkin behind an 8mm camera. Just as he's coaxing the two strippers into a little lip action, Ed busts up the fun by informing Phil that he's looking for a family commercial, not a commercial laden with sillicone-enhanced trollops. "You know that you're breaking their little stripper hearts?" Phil asks. Ed confirms that he's well aware of that.
Finally, we get the showdown between Carol and Nick. I'm so excited that my bladder is throbbing. Carol asks Nick how he's doing, and Nick says he's "great. Seven years of my life have just been incinerated...I'm just great." I detect sarcasm in his tone, but it sails right over Carol's head. Carol says that she was hoping they could "still be friends." I have to admit, I've been down that road before and can report that I am not friends with any girl who ever said, "Let's be friends." In fact, many of them I consider bitter enemies and a few of them still have restraining orders against me, which tend to get cumbersome when the act of reconciliation is mentioned. Nick tries to draw Carol an analogy of their relationship. It's like you have a piece of cake, and then you eat it. Then afterwards, you still want the cake to be there, but you can't because you ate it. In a nutshell, you can't have your cake and eat it too. ["Wow, that's catchy! That Nick is a genius." -- Wing Chun] Nick reminds Carol that she has friends and he has friends, but this seven-year relationship was never about being friends.
I wave my fist in the air in tight circles and holler "Whoo! Whoo!" from my recliner, happy that some guy finally put my pent-up feelings into such eloquent words. It's just a shame that those words were uttered on a television show and not coming out of my mouth and lobbed at Treva Whitfield, the college girlfriend who broke my stinking heart. The only words I could come up with for Treva at the time were, "Die, you heartless tramp, die."
Back at Mike and Nancy's, Nancy has invited a local professor, Professor Kaplan, over to the house for a little coffee, some pie and an explanation on Einstein's theory of relativity. To color Mike perplexed at this stage is an understatement...the boy is severely baffled by Nancy's newfound fascination of introducing basic intelligence into their relationship. While Professor Kaplan is shown explaining Einstein's theory at a painfully slow pace, Nancy is shown taking notes feverishly while Mike is caught sleeping and drooling on the sofa.
In Ed's office, Ed lays out a series of photographs in front of the engaged couple with the explanation that none of them want to testify about their lame haircuts from Ramona. So his only solution is to put Lois on the stand. It's obvious that Lois doesn't want to get on the stand, but she sits there quietly. Ed walks them out the front door while Chuck the groom says, "If you're as good a bowling-alley owner as you are a lawyer, you must be a very good bowling-alley operator." And then he adds as an afterthought, "Assuming you're a good lawyer."
Just as the couple is leaving, Carol pulls up. Ed tells Kenny to tell Carol he's not there. Carol asks Kenny where Ed is. Kenny panics and says he's in Buenos Aires.
At Mike and Nancy's, the couple are shown walking Professor Kaplan to the door. As he leaves, Nancy turns on Mike and asks what are they going to tell their grandkids when the grandkids asked what they used to do when they were younger. Mike says he'll tell them to gather 'round so Grandpappy can explain the theory of relativity. Nancy walks away in a huff, which is about the only way she knows how to walk, while Mike calls out to her, "C'mon...I just thought it'd be fun to say 'Grandpappy.'"
Back at the bowling alley, Kenny lets it slip to Carol that it was Ed who hired the skywriter who wrote the "Carl" message, after all. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize that Kenny had the brain power of a dead fish. I am slightly embarrassed, incredibly offended, and casually aroused. Carol storms off into the night, angry that Ed betrayed her trust in the whole "let's be friends" pact that they had made. Ed sees the event unfold and asks Kenny if she knows he was behind the skywriting. Kenny thinks about it and says, "It's unclear."
After a series of lame commercials promoting products I have no interest in purchasing, we, the American viewing public, are invited to the world premiere of the new Stuckey Bowl commercial. The commercial features Phil as a graduating senior, fixing his tie in the mirror. Kenny walks in and helps him with his tie and they share a father-son moment in a touching display that would have the pansies at Hallmark sobbing into their cafe lattes. As the two men hug, the words "Stuckey Bowl" are emblazoned across the screen. As the commercial fades to black, Phil yells, "Who's da man now?" Ed points out that it's touching, but that it has nothing to do with bowling. Phil takes that as a compliment.
Lois shows up at the law office and has a confession to make to Ed: she can't go on the stand because it's her fault that her hair turned out looking like a flame-broiled rooster. What it boils down to is that Lois doesn't want to take the plunge with Chuck -- perfectly understandable, since Chuck looks like mucus with legs. Ed gives her some sage advice: she's still getting billed for services rendered. In addition, he tells her to not take the plunge until she's positive she's found Mr. Right...and not Mr. Right About Number 2,514. She takes his advice and dumps Chuck because he's a revolting piece of ass flesh. This marks the first episode in which Ed didn't make one appearance in court, which is kinda my major pet peeve with the series anyway: too much court time, not enough Mike and Nancy time....
Speaking too soon, Mike comes home and surprises Nancy with a frites machine. "We're making french fries?" Nancy asks. "No," Mike explains, "frites. Those crazy Belgian bastards really know how to live."
We then see Ed fixing the automatic pin setter at the end of one of the lanes when Carol walks up. She admits that Kenny told her about the skywriter and then they have a huge fight because Ed would rather do the Hokey Pokey with her than listen to her whine about her feelings. This is by far the ugliest fight between these two yet, with little to no bloodshed.
Ed runs into Nick at the Smiling Goat and Nick knows now that Ed harbors an amazing crush on Carol. Nick tells Ed to hang on for the ride of his life as he tells Duncan the bartender to fire up the bar's tradition of asking three questions to a brokenhearted man, and then soaking up his answers.
I've got to be honest with you kids...this part of the show had me bored to tears. Duncan asked Nick, "How much do you love her?" Nick said he loved her like the H-bomb. Duncan then asked, "How much do you miss her?" Nick said he missed her like a festering cold sore. Finally, Duncan asked, "And how much better will you be without her?" Nick broke into an Irish song and jig that went way too fast for me to transcribe, but it contained a lot of references to drinking Carol's memory away, which is the same concept Hunter S. Thompson subscribes to.
The show then hits the reflective musical montage moment that never fails to materialize at about seven minutes before the hour in every episode. Carol's still watching Xanadu, and sobbing. Mike and Nancy are having a blast bonding over Belgian french fries. Nick's drinking in the Smiling Goat as the bartender puts the chairs up on tables. Ed's tossing back a cold one on the roof of the Stuckey Bowl.
Carol comes running into the bowling alley the day to drag Ed outside just in time to see a skywriter write "Ed I'm Sorry." Carol tells Ed that she can't afford to lose him as a friend now and that they've been through so much together in these last few episodes. Ed agrees, and they both decide that they're not ready for each other. Carol tells Ed that they're going to be friends, real friends, once and for all. Ed agrees, and says that if they're going to be friends, maybe they should have a sleepover.
The show ends. And, in my biased opinion, keeps getting better with every episode...as long as you have plenty of cough medicine on hand.