We kick Ed off the same way we've kicked Ed off since the inception: with the pilot episode that was never aired edited down to a concise thirty-second recap. I, Brad F'n Pitt, mark this recap down in my notes the same way I've marked it down for the last few weeks: I scrawl "RECAP" on the top of the page and take one last swig of Robitussin before hunkering down for an hour of sophisticated hilarity.
The show breaks tradition and opens in Carol's kitchen rather than Mike and Nancy's. I frantically check the TV Guide to make sure that this is indeed Ed since every episode of Ed opens in Mike and Nancy's kitchen. The TV Guide puts my doubts to rest; this is indeed Ed. I take one more swig of Robitussin because I feel pretty stupid in doubting my instincts.
Carol is happily singing the Waffle Song, which is not nearly as annoying as "The Waffle House Song," a musical staple on every jukebox in every Waffle House nationwide. The evil Nick Stanton is sitting at the breakfast table, grading tests from his students and complaining that students today have epiphanies every day. Carol blames it on the evils of rock and roll that the kids are listening to these days. Her social commentary is ignored as Nick asks for a waffle. Carol, who looks like she's been enjoying a cocktail made of vodka and lithium, almost tosses the waffle to Nick like a frisbee. She catches herself, and instead places the waffle on a plate. There's some significance there, but for the life of me...I just don't catch it this early on in the show. Could be the Robitussin...could be a set-up for what's ahead...I haven't got a clue.
Over at the bowling alley, a beautiful woman by Stuckeyville standards walks in. In my opinion, she looked like Lara Flynn Boyle after she had done something drastic like eaten a hamburger. The woman walks up to Phil and asks for Ed Stevens. Phil says in his ultra-suave manner, "I'M Ed Stevens." My chuckling resembles the sound of a bad muffler on a '69 Plymouth station wagon. Ed walks up and announces that he's Ed Stevens. The woman introduces herself as Sela McKenzie and informs Ed that she needs a lawyer. Phil chimes in with, "What? Is someone suing you for being too beautiful?" Robitussin flies out of my nose. At least...I hope that was Robitussin...
Walking through the school yard, Carol is complaining to Molly and an unidentified woman (who could have been Nancy, but what in the hell would Nancy be doing hanging out with Molly and Carol?) that she was about to toss a waffle at Nick that morning but then stopped because she felt uncomfortable doing such a heinous act. Molly makes some wisecracks about Carol, but Carol is perturbed by this whole chain of waffle events. Carol stops, the camera zeroes in on her mug and she says, "I have to break up with Nick."
This may sound strange to the average viewer at home, but I've done some extensive research and found out that over 82% of all relationships end over one of the participants not being comfortable enough to pelt their loved one with frozen breakfast foods on a whim. It's right up there with lack of communication and excessive farting.
We go to commercials. Commercials suck tonight. Nary a single one worth crapping on.
Back to Das Show. Ed and Molly are walking down the street where Molly is excitedly telling Ed about her latest creative endeavor to land a man: she has agreed to cast the school play with a new good-looking teacher at school. Ed feigns interest in her story until they run up on Carol and then he shifts into "Ignore Molly" mode in mere seconds. Molly asks Carol, "How's everything in Waffleland?" Ed wants to know what that meant. As a friend, a companion, a compadre, an amigo of Carol's, it is Ed's business to know what that last comment meant. Carol sighs and explains that she wanted to toss Nick a waffle at breakfast but didn't feel comfortable doing it, so she put it on a plate instead. Ed stands there. Finally he says, "Great story. I loved the part where you were going to throw the waffle at Nick but put it on a plate instead." At that very moment, I fall in love with Ed. This makes me the absolute last person in America to give into Ed's charms after three weeks of resisting them. I feel born-again, but not really.
In the doctor's office, Mike is seeing a patient that has always seen Dr. Jerome. The patient asks Mike if he's a male nurse. Mike says no and asks what's ailing the man. The man explains that he swallowed a moth after yawning at the wrong time. Mike asks him if he feels sick and the man just stares at him blankly before saying, "I think I'll wait for Dr. Jerome." This infuriates Mike on the inside because he's tired of nobody trusting him after two years of practice in Stuckeyville. But on the outside, he's cool as a cucumber. No...make that cool as an Icee. Wait...scratch that...he's as cool as a penguin's ass. Sorry. It's taking me a while to hit my stride tonight. Blame it on the Robitussin.
Back at the bowling alley, the good-looking woman is telling Ed that she was a secretary at Stuckeyville Motors. One payday, she received $95 extra in her pay check. The payday...the same thing. This went on for almost a year. Rather than reporting the extra money to her boss, she kept cashing those bad boys in one-dollar bills and would spend her nights stuffing the G-strings of the overweight male dancers at the Stuckeyville Strip Club while nursing Long Island Teas. Phil walks into the office, excuses himself for the interuption and then gets right in Sela's face and moans, "You are SOOOO hot!!" Ed is shocked and exclaims "Phil!" Phil says "What?? That's my rap!"
I'm digging up those Iron-on transfer letters out of my closet tomorrow and having Jen iron the phrase "I Love Phil" on a t-shirt in the morning so I can wear it 24-7 to pledge my love for this comedic genius. Granted, I'll get my share of stares down at the studio. But the disenfranchised will see my t-shirt as a fashion statement and before the end of the week, men will be wearing "I Love Phil" t-shirts on catwalks nationwide. Trust me.
Carol and Nick are in a park. Carol begins to tell Nick the waffle story. Nick stares at her like she was drooling bird shit out her mouth. Nick tries to understand her but it's really hard to understand a woman who's bent out of shape over not being comfortable enough to lob a waffle at your skull.
At school, Molly is standing in the auditorium when Mr. New Hot Teacher walks up and introduces himself to her as Bob. Bob asks Molly if she's ever done this before. Molly says "What? Talk to a man?" Bob chuckles and says no...cast a school play. Molly informs Bob that she was in her high-school play. Bob asks which play. Molly says, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown." Bob asks if she played Sally. Molly says no...she played the Great Pumpkin. Bob says, "But the Great Pumpkin is never seen in the play." Molly says, "I know...that's a sore spot with me, Bob."
I laughed loud enough to wake the dead, if the dead were capable of waking. I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to get my groove on with Molly too. I know I've dissed her the last few weeks over her weight problem and how fat girls on TV are usually reduced to playing lonely hunchbacks who always settle for being the bridesmaid and never the bride. But I think I might just be developing a crush on the fat cow.
Back in the park, Nick and Carol's fight escalates. Nick claims it's a stupid fight, as most fights over waffles are usually unfairly pegged. Carol says it's not a stupid fight and that Nick never listens to a word she says. I toss a handful of Midol at the TV screen, but as luck would have it, technology has still not come up with a totally interactive television experience to meet my pill-tossing standards.
In a restaurant, Nancy's on a phone while Ed and Mike are goofing off. Ed says he'll give Mike ten dollars if he will only say two words when the waitress comes to take their order: "Burger me." Before Mike has a chance to think of the repercussions of the dare, the waitress is at the table. She takes Nancy's and Ed's orders and then asks Mike for his. Mike hesitates and then says "Burger Me." Ed's grin creeps across his face. The waitress asks "What?" and Mike repeats himself. She then asks, "Are you asking for a hamburger?" Mike, desperately needing the ten dollars, says, "Burger me." The waitress walks away with every intention of coating Mike's burger with oven cleaner while Ed busts a gut laughing.
Nancy hangs up the phone with the news. That was Molly. Carol just broke up with Nick. Ed stops laughing.
After some sub-par commercials that didn't subliminally seduce me to buy their products, we've arrived at a new scenario in Stuckeyville: Stuckeyville Motors. Ed is pulling up into the lot when a man comes out and introduces himself as Dick Knight and compliments Ed on his posture.
Dick Knight. Coincidentally, that's what my wife calls Friday nights: Dick Knight.
Please don't make me explain the joke any further.
Dick Knight tells Ed to get into a hot little sportscar on the lot. Ed says he's not there to buy a car, he's there to talk about Sela McKenzie. Dick Knight tells him just to sit in it. Ed says he's not buying it. Dick says he's not selling it and tells him to get in. It's almost like Dick Knight isn't even listening to Ed, he's just trying to sell him a car. Frankly, I was appalled that used-car salesmen were being portrayed in such a devious manner. I've never known a used car salesman that wasn't on the up and up when it came to dealing with his customers.
There. Much better.
We're back in the school auditorium where a kid is trying out for the school play. It's that fat geek from Freaks and Geeks doing his impression of Frank Sinatra singing Billy Joel's "Big Shot." I yell to the wife, "Hey! It's the fat kid from Freaks and Geeks!!" The wife is about as impressed by the news as a deaf-mute.
Back at the car lot, Dick Knight has managed to get Ed behind the wheel of the sports car. Ed insists he's not buying the car. Dick insists he's not selling it. Ed tries to talk about the lawsuit, but Dick Knight tells him to forget the lawsuit...the lawsuit is dropped, just take the freaking car, then walks back into the office building. Ed looks around and asks, "Where's my car?" But there's nobody there to answer his question, and we at home aren't allowed to clue him in, due to that whole interactive technology theory I brought up earlier.
In the doctor's office, we're finally treated to the return of the cantankerous little spit-fire, Dr. Jerome. Jerome informs Mike that he's been receiving a lot of complaints from patients lately about his techniques, so Jerome breaks it to him that he's going to start observing the young doctor as he deals with patients. Mike reacts like he just won a dead wharf rat at a Bingo game...he's clearly not thrilled.
Back at the bowling alley, Sela stops back in. Ed's excited as he tells her that Dick Knight said he was dropping the case. Sela informs him that Dick is doing no such thing and that he just called her to tell her the lawsuit was on. I'm really having trouble swallowing this whole "crooked used-car dealer" character flaw in Dick Knight but for the sake of television, I'll roll with it. Ed's dejected that Dick lied to him. Phil walks in and tells Ed in front of Sela that he's waiting for a chopper to come down and pick him up from Washington that's going to whisk him away so he can help solve this whole fiscal budget report thing. Sela's not buying it.
Molly and Bob finish the casting call and then go to pick their leads. For the female leads it has come down to two contestants: Kelly, who Bob likes, and Jennifer, who Molly has picked. Kelly is a babe...Jennifer is a tad on the homely side. She's ugly. Plainer than plain. Abnormally non-good looking. You get the Polaroid, right? Molly accuses Bob of picking Kelly just because she's beautiful and says that Jennifer is much more talented. Bob disagrees. This relationship is off to a bumpier start than a flaming Concorde in Paris.
In the doctor's office, Mike is treating a patient while Dr. Jerome looks on. Mike diagnoses the woman as having an ear infection and prescribes her a drug that I can't pronounce, let alone type. Jerome groans as he listens to Mike. Mike asks for his input on the matter and Jerome just sits back and says "I'm just observing. Pretend I'm not here." Which is not an easy feat considering he's wheezing and groaning more than my grandma suffering an asthma attack.
Carol's at her school desk when flowers arrive with the note, "I've been there...your pal, Ed." Nick walks in just as they're delivered and asks who sent them. Carol hesitates and then says Ed. Nick wants to know if "that little pissant" is the one behind their breakup. Carol insists that he's not the reason and asks to talk about it tomorrow. This makes me want to take the time here to explain to you young kids reading this recap...if you lie, you go straight to hell. Carol's a liar. Carol's going to hell. Don't go to hell with her. Don't lie.
It's beginning to look like after seven bumpy years together...it's over. This finally clears the path for Ed to be promoted from a "obsessed stalker" to a "potential boyfriend" of Carol's. There's no indication of what Nick will do after this breakup, but a safe bet would be that he's going to try to jump off a kitten with his truck battery -- you know, being evil and all.
Ed's in his office when Carol shows up. Carol thanks him for the flowers and asks Ed how he knew for sure that his relationship with his wife was truly over. Ed doesn't hesitate as he recounts the time he caught his wife in bed naked with a mailman...that pretty much gave him the heads-up on the relationship's going sour. Carol asks whether he has any advice for her, and he says he hasn't got any. Sela shows up with some paperwork, which is Carol's cue to slither out of the office. Carol looks at Sela and gives Ed a thumbs-up on his "new woman." While Ed and Sela are talking, a topless Phil begins washing the office windows, seductively rubbing his chest up against the window for Sela's amusement. Sela's still not impressed, but I'm sitting in my recliner, gulping Robitussin down, just so I can laugh and watch it come back out my nose. To say the absolute least, I'm easily amused when it comes to watching Phil and guzzling cough syrup.
After a batch of lame commercials, we see Molly banging on the bowling-alley door early one morning. She has coffee and doughnuts with her, so she's feeling pretty good about herself today, weight problem be damned!! She wakes Ed up and insists that he spent the night with Sela and that's why he was asleep at the office desk. Ed says he wasn't, giving Molly that faint glimmer of hope that he's holding out for her gargantuan ass. Molly begins bitching about her new faux beau Bob and then men in general and their infatuation with judging people by their looks. Ed asks if Molly could explain one more time why she took on this job to cast the school play, insinuating it was because she wanted to get close to the hot new teacher and his hot new face. Molly realizes the error of her ways and promptly begins pouring hot coffee on her own love handles as retribution. Well...not really. But wouldn't it have been cool if she did?
We go to a courtroom where Sela is being grilled by Dick Knight's attorney with nothing of importance to mention. The attorney walks back to her table and tells Ed to "bowl away." Ed lets out the longest, most sarcastic laugh I think I've ever heard on network television. He then compares Sela's weekly $95 error to a $10 million lottery that someone might win, only to have the lottery people come back a month later and say, "You didn't win the lottery after all. Give us our money back." This marks the first time Ed has gotten up in front of a courtroom and generally made an ass of himself with an abnormally lame comparison.
In Dr. Jerome's office, Mike is defending himself to Dr. Jerome and saying that this "observing" that Dr. Jerome has been doing is insulting and humiliating. Dr. Jerome then LAYS INTO HIM, yelling and screaming and calling Mike a "fat-headed lummox." He then informs Mike that Mike is going to have to examine Dr. Jerome himself so that Dr. Jerome can determine if Mike is fit to inherit the practice someday.
Ed shows up at the tryouts for the school play to give Molly friendly support. The first girl, Kelly, comes out and sings beautifully. Ed mentions that Kelly is very pretty, which almost sends Molly off the deep end. Molly's pick for the female lead comes out and begins singing a horrible rendition of "There's No Business Like Show Business," which finds Ed grimacing. Since Bob and Molly can't make a decision about the girls, they decide to adjourn until Friday when they will be able to have the shop teacher come in to help make the final decision.
Nick and Carol are in Nick's truck and Carol comes up with the perfect analogy for their relationship. It revolves around how on the fourth of July, the sky is quiet and dark and then suddenly it's all bright and lit up and bottle rockets are putting out children's eyes and cars are being overturned and set aflame. But then, eventually the sounds and lights and fireworks fade away. Nick pretends to understand what she's talking about, but it's obvious he's wanting to get away from this dipchick fast and go surf the internet for porn.
Back in the courtroom, Ed asks Dick Knight if he found Sela pretty. Dick says she's all right. Ed asks if he ever asked her out on a date. Dick says, "no," but he did ask her out for a celebratory cocktail after a particularly successful Toyota-thon. She declined. Ed asks if he ever wrote her a love letter. Dick very quietly says, "Maybe." Ed pulls out a love letter that Dick had written Sela and asks him to read it in front of the court. After much hesitating, Dick proceeds to read out the smarmiest buncha lovey-dovey chick crap I've heard since Steel Magnolias. He calls himself a butterfly and Sela a flower and talks about how he'd love to land on her petals. Even the judge blurts out, "Holy crap." Dick's attorney yells "Objection!" and the judge has to apologize for the "holy crap" remark.
In the hallways of the school, Jennifer informs Molly that she's dropping out of the running for the school play. Molly insists that this revamped version of Beauty and the Beast will have a happy ending because she's enlisted the help of some friends to help boost Jennifer's chances of winning the role.
Back in court, Ed makes the elementary deduction that since Dick unsuccessfully asked Sela out, wrote her a love letter that she ignored, and gave her extra money that she never returned, Dick was setting up Sela so that he could eventually strike at her like a cobra waiting in the grass.
All right...this is enough. Now Ed wants to compare a used car salesman to a snake in the grass? I'm willing to bet that if there are any used-car salesmen out there smart enough to operate a television remote control and land on NBC tonight, there's going to be an assload of complaints lodged against the show in the morning. Then again...we're assuming that used-car dealers are intelligent. It's a far-fetched concept, but it's not totally out of the question.
Back in the doctor's office, Dr. Jerome is ready for his check-up, Mr. DeMille. Mike checks him out starting with his lymph nodes while Jerome plays the world's most obnoxious patient, bitching and moaning about every little jab Mike does on his body.
Meanwhile, in the courtroom, Dick's attorney says that since Sela kept the money that wasn't hers, she should have to pay it back. Ed, as always, goes on a lengthy spiel about how pretty girls make men do strange things. When we find out we can't have them, we go a little bit crazy. We do things like write gooey love letters, poke holes in condoms, and vote Libertarian. It's not Sela's fault she's a pretty girl. Oh...and Dick Knight is one devious sonofabitch for setting Sela up like this. I rest my case.
Mike finishes his complete physical of Dr. Jerome and rattles off more medical terminology than I could possibly comprehend. He finally diagnoses Dr. Jerome with acute mono. In my heart, I think Jerome was hoping for asexy mono, but one takes what they can get.
The judge shocks the entire town of Stuckeyville and rules AGAINST Ed, determining that Sela has to pay back all $4,900.
Twenty-two million people just gasped in horror at the verdict. This is more shocking than O.J.'s acquittal.
BUT...there's a catch: Sela will have to pay Dick Knight five dollars a week for eighteen years with no interest. So really...ED WINS!!
Twenty-two million people just exhaled.
Sela hugs Ed and asks him out for a celebratory cocktail. Ed takes a raincheck, saying he has to go see a "friend."
We then get our weekly montage of tying up loose story ends while a tender piece of music plays in the background. We see Nick packing his stuff up in boxes and leaving Carol's house while Carol stands and cries. We see Molly helping her ugly duckling become a beautiful swan with the help of barrettes and a flame thrower. We then see Carol laying in her bed crying when a weird noise appears in the background. Carol gets up and rushes to her window in hopes of seeing a jolly fat man with eight tiny reindeer. Alas...it's just Ed, flinging frozen waffles at her window. Hundreds of waffles. They're everywhere -- the roof, the yard, in trees. Technically, she probably could have had Ed arrested for doing such a thing, but instead she opens up her window and tells Ed she "can't take [him] being adorable right now." Ed shrugs and says he can't just turn it off. I know how that is...I live with being adorable twenty-four hours a day. Ed asks to come in. Carol says it's not a good time, with which I agree wholeheartedly. I mean...it's obvious the whole waffle thing was based upon hormones from hell acting up and by now...her monthly friend "Flo" was probably hanging out in her ovaries...so...ummm...come back in four days, Ed. Ed says he doesn't wanna come up and sex her madly; he has something that can help her out. He holds up a brown paper bag. Carol naturally thinks it's a case of Robitussin and lets him in as hormonal babes are wont to do.
Back at the school auditorium, Molly's ugly duckling is being assisted by Molly's old buddies, the All-Male Singing and Dancing Troupe. These guys are all in their tuxes, singing and dancing like they were channelling the spirit of Ethel Merman, which only makes the ugly duckling reach new heights that were previously unattainable. She belts out "There's No Business Like Show Business" like a real trouper. When the song's over, Bob and Molly turn to the shop teacher. The shop teacher shrugs and says, "Go with the pretty broad."
Back at Carol's house, Ed is opening up all the ingredients for an ice cream sundae from hell, to help Carol over this breakup with Nick. Ed is pumping up his reputation as being the Ice Cream Sundae King while he prepares the sundaes. He asks Carol how many scoops she would like...one or two? Carol starts to cry and Ed says, "Let's start with two."
The credits roll, I finish off the Robitussin and crawl to the computer once again.