We kick Ed off the same way we've kicked Ed off since the inception: with the pilot episode that was never aired edited down to a concise thirty-second recap. I, Brad F'n Pitt, mark this recap down in my notes the same way I've marked it down for the last few weeks: I scrawl "RECAP" on the top of the page and take one last swig of Robitussin before hunkering down for an hour of sophisticated hilarity.
The show breaks tradition and opens in Carol's kitchen rather than Mike and Nancy's. I frantically check the TV Guide to make sure that this is indeed Ed since every episode of Ed opens in Mike and Nancy's kitchen. The TV Guide puts my doubts to rest; this is indeed Ed. I take one more swig of Robitussin because I feel pretty stupid in doubting my instincts.
Carol is happily singing the Waffle Song, which is not nearly as annoying as "The Waffle House Song," a musical staple on every jukebox in every Waffle House nationwide. The evil Nick Stanton is sitting at the breakfast table, grading tests from his students and complaining that students today have epiphanies every day. Carol blames it on the evils of rock and roll that the kids are listening to these days. Her social commentary is ignored as Nick asks for a waffle. Carol, who looks like she's been enjoying a cocktail made of vodka and lithium, almost tosses the waffle to Nick like a frisbee. She catches herself, and instead places the waffle on a plate. There's some significance there, but for the life of me...I just don't catch it this early on in the show. Could be the Robitussin...could be a set-up for what's ahead...I haven't got a clue.
Over at the bowling alley, a beautiful woman by Stuckeyville standards walks in. In my opinion, she looked like Lara Flynn Boyle after she had done something drastic like eaten a hamburger. The woman walks up to Phil and asks for Ed Stevens. Phil says in his ultra-suave manner, "I'M Ed Stevens." My chuckling resembles the sound of a bad muffler on a '69 Plymouth station wagon. Ed walks up and announces that he's Ed Stevens. The woman introduces herself as Sela McKenzie and informs Ed that she needs a lawyer. Phil chimes in with, "What? Is someone suing you for being too beautiful?" Robitussin flies out of my nose. At least...I hope that was Robitussin...
Walking through the school yard, Carol is complaining to Molly and an unidentified woman (who could have been Nancy, but what in the hell would Nancy be doing hanging out with Molly and Carol?) that she was about to toss a waffle at Nick that morning but then stopped because she felt uncomfortable doing such a heinous act. Molly makes some wisecracks about Carol, but Carol is perturbed by this whole chain of waffle events. Carol stops, the camera zeroes in on her mug and she says, "I have to break up with Nick."
Pretty Girls and Waffles
I'm digging up those Iron-on transfer letters out of my closet tomorrow and having Jen iron the phrase "I Love Phil" on a t-shirt in the morning so I can wear it 24-7 to pledge my love for this comedic genius. Granted, I'll get my share of stares down at the studio. But the disenfranchised will see my t-shirt as a fashion statement and before the end of the week, men will be wearing "I Love Phil" t-shirts on catwalks nationwide. Trust me.
Carol and Nick are in a park. Carol begins to tell Nick the waffle story. Nick stares at her like she was drooling bird shit out her mouth. Nick tries to understand her but it's really hard to understand a woman who's bent out of shape over not being comfortable enough to lob a waffle at your skull.
At school, Molly is standing in the auditorium when Mr. New Hot Teacher walks up and introduces himself to her as Bob. Bob asks Molly if she's ever done this before. Molly says "What? Talk to a man?" Bob chuckles and says no...cast a school play. Molly informs Bob that she was in her high-school play. Bob asks which play. Molly says, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown." Bob asks if she played Sally. Molly says no...she played the Great Pumpkin. Bob says, "But the Great Pumpkin is never seen in the play." Molly says, "I know...that's a sore spot with me, Bob."
I laughed loud enough to wake the dead, if the dead were capable of waking. I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to get my groove on with Molly too. I know I've dissed her the last few weeks over her weight problem and how fat girls on TV are usually reduced to playing lonely hunchbacks who always settle for being the bridesmaid and never the bride. But I think I might just be developing a crush on the fat cow.
Back in the park, Nick and Carol's fight escalates. Nick claims it's a stupid fight, as most fights over waffles are usually unfairly pegged. Carol says it's not a stupid fight and that Nick never listens to a word she says. I toss a handful of Midol at the TV screen, but as luck would have it, technology has still not come up with a totally interactive television experience to meet my pill-tossing standards.
In a restaurant, Nancy's on a phone while Ed and Mike are goofing off. Ed says he'll give Mike ten dollars if he will only say two words when the waitress comes to take their order: "Burger me." Before Mike has a chance to think of the repercussions of the dare, the waitress is at the table. She takes Nancy's and Ed's orders and then asks Mike for his. Mike hesitates and then says "Burger Me." Ed's grin creeps across his face. The waitress asks "What?" and Mike repeats himself. She then asks, "Are you asking for a hamburger?" Mike, desperately needing the ten dollars, says, "Burger me." The waitress walks away with every intention of coating Mike's burger with oven cleaner while Ed busts a gut laughing.
Pretty Girls and Waffles
Nancy hangs up the phone with the news. That was Molly. Carol just broke up with Nick. Ed stops laughing.
After some sub-par commercials that didn't subliminally seduce me to buy their products, we've arrived at a new scenario in Stuckeyville: Stuckeyville Motors. Ed is pulling up into the lot when a man comes out and introduces himself as Dick Knight and compliments Ed on his posture.
Dick Knight. Coincidentally, that's what my wife calls Friday nights: Dick Knight.
Please don't make me explain the joke any further.
Dick Knight tells Ed to get into a hot little sportscar on the lot. Ed says he's not there to buy a car, he's there to talk about Sela McKenzie. Dick Knight tells him just to sit in it. Ed says he's not buying it. Dick says he's not selling it and tells him to get in. It's almost like Dick Knight isn't even listening to Ed, he's just trying to sell him a car. Frankly, I was appalled that used-car salesmen were being portrayed in such a devious manner. I've never known a used car salesman that wasn't on the up and up when it came to dealing with his customers.
There. Much better.
We're back in the school auditorium where a kid is trying out for the school play. It's that fat geek from Freaks and Geeks doing his impression of Frank Sinatra singing Billy Joel's "Big Shot." I yell to the wife, "Hey! It's the fat kid from Freaks and Geeks!!" The wife is about as impressed by the news as a deaf-mute.
Back at the car lot, Dick Knight has managed to get Ed behind the wheel of the sports car. Ed insists he's not buying the car. Dick insists he's not selling it. Ed tries to talk about the lawsuit, but Dick Knight tells him to forget the lawsuit...the lawsuit is dropped, just take the freaking car, then walks back into the office building. Ed looks around and asks, "Where's my car?" But there's nobody there to answer his question, and we at home aren't allowed to clue him in, due to that whole interactive technology theory I brought up earlier.
In the doctor's office, we're finally treated to the return of the cantankerous little spit-fire, Dr. Jerome. Jerome informs Mike that he's been receiving a lot of complaints from patients lately about his techniques, so Jerome breaks it to him that he's going to start observing the young doctor as he deals with patients. Mike reacts like he just won a dead wharf rat at a Bingo game...he's clearly not thrilled.