Once again, it's time for America to wrap its big, burly arms around the TV show that we love more than life itself...Ed. Or, as I like to call it, "That Show That Forces Me To Take Really Bad Notes For An Hour Straight And Then Try To Make Sense Of Them At The End."
We begin the show the same way it has begun for the first two episodes...with a recap of Ed's entire adult life bundled up neatly in a thirty-second clip-fest. Guess what NBC? The plot is simple enough for most television viewers to get a handle on without these weekly recaps. He's a lawyer. He owns a bowling alley. He's in love with a woman he can't have. We get it. It's not like anyone's going to tune in and say "Honey...when did The Simpsons become a live-action hour-long serio-drama?"
After that much-needed recap, we segue into this week's show. Ed is speaking in front of Carol's class as part of Career Day. It's obvious he's bombing badly with the students, so he decides to tell a joke. I'm no comedian, but I'll try to give it the same "oomph" that Ed did: "Why don't sharks eat lawyers? [pause] Professional courtesy." Word of advice kids...if you're giving a speech and bombing badly, do NOT pull out the Henny Youngman Book of Tired Assed Jokes and expect to win your audience over. The class, as expected, sits and stares at Ed, completely motionless. Carol decides to bail Ed out by asking if anyone has any questions. Luckily for all involved, class nerd and stalker-in-training Warren has a question. Warren asks Ed if he's ever invited a client to his office and, when they showed up, did they get turned off by the fact that Ed's office is in a bowling alley. Ed, stumped for an answer, asks the students to put their heads down on their desks and nap for the rest of the hour. As the kids stare at him, desperately trying to get a gauge on his sense of humor, the bell rings. Carol thanks Ed for speaking to her class and informs him that he may just be the second-best Career Day guest she's ever had...the first being Jack Barry, former host for the wildly popular '70s game show The Joker's Wild, which is understandable. J.B. has been a tough act to follow in Hollywood for several decades, and when he finally passed away, Hollywood let out a sigh of relief and rejoiced in the streets over his timely demise.
All tomfoolery aside...Ed wants to let Carol know that he's glad that they've finally gotten over that uncomfortable hump in their relationship, where Ed was pestering the crap out of Carol to get her to fall in love with him. He then proceeds to use the word "friend" almost two dozen times in twenty seconds, while describing their "new" relationship. Carol asks him to please stop saying the word "friend." Ed says, "Okay...homie." I literally groan and guzzle a shot of apple schnapps.
Opening credits and commercials. I have to admit...I have never seen a single episode of Charlie's Angels. But if this new movie really does have a graphic lesbian threesome between those three stars like I've read it has...well...count me in, Charlie! Save a tub of popcorn and plenty of Kleenex for the Pittster!
Back in Stuckeyville, Mike and Ed are sitting at the breakfast table (not to be confused with the lunch, dinner, or even supper table). Mike bets Ed $10 that Ed cannot drink an entire bottle of syrup. Ed starts guzzling. I join in on the fun at home by guzzling another shot of schnapps. Nancy shows up in the kitchen looking like a $3 whore. Apparently, she was up all night with that brat-assed kid of theirs, Sara the Baby From Hell. Nancy tells Mike that he's GOT to start helping out with Sara by getting up with the little wretch in the middle of the night. Mike agrees to do it. Ed finishes the bottle of syrup and has a look on his face like he's about to vomit a Buick Skylark. Mike asks Nancy if she has $10 on her, which serves as the punch-line to the syrup gag. I've gotta admit...it left me hanging like a broken branch.
Richie the Mailman shows up to deliver the mail. Mike asks him if it might just be a bit too cold to wear shorts. Richie replies, "Not for me. I'm Norwegian." I gulp another shot of schnapps to see if the alcohol would make the joke a bit funnier. It doesn't. Mike invites Richie in for waffles. Apparently, Norwegians go cuckoo for waffles, as Richie drops everything and comes in for breakfast. I get the feeling those waffles may be a bit on the dry side after Ed wolfed down all the syrup in one gulp. I just hope that Richie doesn't get so aggravated he begins shooting the whole place up, disgruntled postman-style. Richie gives Ed his mail, and it turns out to be the divorce papers from his wife. I slap myself in the forehead repeatedly because I've been telling you people for two weeks that Ed was already divorced. I stand corrected with a slight posture problem that's hardly noticeable to the naked eye...Ed is NOT divorced yet. Mike explains to Richie (who must have missed the thirty-second recap of Ed's life at the beginning of the show) that Ed's wife slept with a mailman. Richie replies, "I wish mine would." At that point, schnapps came out my nose, which is not a pretty sight.
Fast-forward to the bowling alley, where Ed is announcing to his three employees that because of the strenuous workload of lawsuits rolling in, he's going to have to start devoting more time to the law practice and less to the bowling alley. That said, he's going to promote one of the three employees to manager. Phil -- who is quickly becoming the funniest bastard on television -- immediately thinks he has the job in the bag and asks for an advance on his new raise so he can put a down payment on a waterbed. The line isn't that funny, but Phil's delivery is top notch. For God's sakes people...if you are one of the few hundred left that AREN'T in love with Ed, at least tune in to watch Phil.
Right on cue, three old high-school mates of Ed's walk in. These guys make the Three Stooges look like Rhodes scholars, and they want Ed to represent them in a lawsuit. It seems that in 1985, these three gimps and one other guy all made a pact to take half the money that they would earn in the fifteen years, put it in a pot, and split the pot between the four of them. As luck would have it...these guys turned out to be the social equivalent of bird shit while the fourth guy is now worth $100 million and, by golly, they want their $50 million. "Was there a contract?" Ed asks. Why yes...but it was written on a bar napkin. Ed looks like this may be the first lawsuit he's lost in Stuckeyville, but decides to take the case anyway. I become concerned that we may actually see Ed lose a case, but a shot of schnapps pretty much wipes away any hesitations I had on the situation.
Meanwhile, Carol and her fat friend Molly are in the teacher's lounge. Carol asks Molly if she would like to accompany her to the pie shop to meet her "friend" Ed. It's almost like asking a cannibal if he likes children. Molly salivates all over the teacher's lounge and janitors are called in to mop up the mess as she agrees to go to the pie shop. Warren the Student With A Crush On Carol walks in, pours himself a cup of joe, and announces that these damned kids are about to drive him crazy. Carol and Molly stare at him like he's covered in bat guano as Warren explains that he is now a teacher at the school. Or, as some reasonably intelligent people call it...a "tutor." He announces that his first assignment has been to tutor students on the story of Oliver Twist. Carol says she's doing that as well. Warren feigns surprise at this revelation as Carol walks out of the lounge. Warren turns to Molly and says, "Your friend's a tough nut to crack...but I'm one hungry squirrel." Molly seems more interested in daydreaming about the pie shop and that dreamy Ed guy than listening to Warren's school-boy crush.
At the pie shop, Ed wastes no time beating around the bush and asks Carol when they can stop being friends and can start..."BOO-YAHHH!" I scratch my head repeatedly until it dawns on me that what Ed means is he wants to be doing some sexual healing in the sheets with Carol. Carol checks her calendar and says, "March 11th. Oh wait...that's when I'm going out with my boyfriend of seven years." Ed grins that grin of his that says, "It's a good thing I'm so damned charming or I'd have to resort to humping Molly." Carol tells Molly it's time to go and leaves the table. Ed confesses to Molly that he's tired of this friendship with Carol and wants something more. Molly sighs and announces that it's "time for some more wacky-assed romance crap." Which, coincidentally, is exactly how Letterman's people pitched the idea of Ed to NBC.
Ed is shown walking down the street when he happens upon a shop that allows you to make a video. Now then...I have no idea how large a town like Stuckeyville may actually be. I'm guessing less than ten thousand people. So, in a bustling burg like this, does it really make sense that there would be a "Make Your Own Music Video" store? Ummmm...no. But a couple more shots of schnapps, and I'm convinced Stuckeyville could use a Saks Fifth Avenue.
Once back at the bowling alley, Kenny corners Ed to conduct his interview for the management position. As it turns out, Kenny is well-schooled with a 3.7 GPA and a degree in nursing. Ed asks why Kenny would work in a bowling alley with a resume like this. Kenny replies, "Life is a journey." Before Kenny's given any time to explain, Phil interrupts him with, "That's nice Gigantor...there's some people here to see you, Ed." Gigantor. I'm going to have to remember that one.
It's the three loser buddies again. Ed tries to explain to them that he doubts he can get them $50 million because the contract was written on a napkin. Ed asks if they've tried talking to their now-wealthy buddy. They admit they've tried to contact him, but all they ever get are his fancy New York lawyers from the law firm of Farmer and Sheen. The same law firm that fired Ed oh, so many weeks ago. Thus...the plot thickens.
Commercials. There's a new toy named "Country Elmo" for kids. It's the same Elmo from "Tickle My Ass Elmo" fame...except now he's dressed in country-western garb and warbles some godawful children's country tunes. The little boy in the commercial confirms, "HE'S SO COOL!!" Yeah kid. And crack is soooo non-addictive.
Now...back to Ed.
Nancy and Mike are shown in bed while Sara the Bitch Baby is screaming in the background. Nancy lies there, waiting for Mike to get up and check on the baby. Mike is dead to the world and remote parts of Canada. Nancy hits him and crams the baby monitor in his ear, but nothing is phasing Mike. Nancy finally gets up to tend to the screaming little brat.
Meanwhile, Ed is pacing through the bowling alley, swinging a bat when Molly walks in. Molly asks, "Why the bat, Ed?" Ed says he has to face his old law firm in court and really wants to beat these guys. Jack Nicholson shows up, walking up the stairs looking like a crazy man, saying, "Gimme the bat, Wendy. Gimme the bat." Oops. Sorry. I just sat on the remote and momentarily switched over to the Movie Channel's umpteenth-millionth showing of The Shining. Ed tells Molly this is going to be a tough case because he'll be outnumbered four-to-one by the big city lawyers. Molly says, "Not necessarily." We at home wonder what Big Moll's got up her fat sleeve.
We're now in the courtroom, where Molly is pretending to be Ed's assistant. Ahhhh...this is what she meant by not being outnumbered four-to-one. She's so large and in charge that she counts as three people. I gotcha, Molls. The big-city lawyers make a few cracks about Ed's new office. Molly quickly interjects that the reason the law practice is in a bowling alley is to house all the lawyers in his firm. I do not believe in violence against women, but I'm shell-shocked that Ed just didn't backhand the cow at that point.
Suddenly, Ed's three bowling alley employees appear, dressed in their Sunday best, acting like lawyers. One of the big-city lawyers looks at Phil and says, "You look familiar...Stanford Law?" Phil says, "No. Philip Stubbs." Man...it still made me laugh my ass off just typing in that line. This Phil is a comedic genius. The lawyer says, "No, I meant..." and Phil cuts him off by saying, "I know what you meant, Hot Shot, I was just trying to underhand you by making you think I was dumber than I actually am." Meanwhile, I'm busy cleaning spewed schnapps off the television.
We then pay Mike a visit at his job at Dr. Jerome's office. Which reminds me...we haven't seen the cantankerous curmudgeon Jerome since episode one. He was on par with Phil for being my favorite character, and we haven't seen him since. C'mon NBC...don't make me start a letter-writing campaign for Dr. Jerome. You have no idea how powerful the Pittster can be. Or what fine penmanship I possess, either. Anywhoo...Mike has an elderly patient in his office. "What seems to be your problem?" Mike asks the old guy. "I ate a bad hot dog," the man replies. "Ahhh...food poisoning," Mike quickly deducts. "No...the bun was stale...it was a bad hot dog," the man affirms. "Why are you here then?" Mike asks. "For the company," the old guy shoots back. Seriously...it was a very funny exchange. Nancy calls while Mike is staring at the old guy, dumbfounded. Nancy forces Mike to agree to start switching off nights to take care of the demon child they have spawned. Mike agrees like a good husband and hangs up. He stares at the old man and says, "Well...while you're here, how about a throat culture?" The old man gives it a moment's thought and says, "Sure. What the hell?"
Back in court, the judge announces that since Mr. $100 Million doesn't have the time to waste on this lawsuit, he will assign the case an immediate trial date. IN YOUR FACE, CORPORATE AMERICA!!! SMALL TOWN JUDGES ARE ON OUR SIDE NOW, BABY!!!
Meanwhile, back at school, Warren The Loser is attempting to tutor a handful of jocks on Oliver Twist with the use of hand puppets. Just as the jocks are ready to give Warren a colostomy with their cleats, Carol walks in. Warren and Carol make awkward small talk, which Carol is used to by now because she has that effect on all men in Stuckeyville, due to her somewhat decent-looking features. That's right...it's time I admitted it: Carol is chopped liver, kids. She's nothing to break your neck over. Yeah, I'd probably slide $10 her way if she were offering lap dances in a strip club, but I wouldn't knock myself out for a kiss from her. That's my opinion. It's not copyrighted or anything, so you're more than welcome to it.
Warren gives Carol a video that the "boring lawyer guy" dropped off for her. Carol goes home to watch the video and is visibly upset that it's not porno. Rather, it's that Ed guy, playing an inflatable guitar on the beach and lip-syncing to Chicago's "You're The Inspiration." Twenty-two million people just stare at their televisions in horror. As cheesy as the video is, Carol is enthralled with it. You can tell by her reaction that she loves it. Does her asshole boyfriend Nick ever do something as sweet as this?? To quote Stone Cold Steve Austin:"Oh HELL no!"
Commercials. Is it 7:30 already??
We fade back in to Nancy and Mike's bedroom. Sara The Screaming Pile of Flesh And Poop is once again wailing like Sammy Hagar with his nuts trapped in a pair of needle-nose pliers. Nancy tells Mike that it's his night to take care of the baby. Mike says he has it under control. Nancy gets up, walks to the baby's room, and finds Kenny pacing the floor with the baby since he's a nurse and all. The morning, Nancy chastises Mike at the breakfast table for hiring a nurse to watch Sara The Flaming Ass Baby all night. Mike doesn't take her seriously, lifts two pancakes up to either side of his head, and announces that he's a "pancake mouse" and nobody can stay mad at a pancake mouse. Nancy bucks the odds and continues to stare daggers at the idiot.
While Carol is walking across campus to her class, Ed approaches her. Ed asks how she liked the video. She said the first time she watched it, she was shocked. The second time, horrified. And the third time, she was scarred for life. Ed lets it slip that it's because of her that he stayed in Stuckeyville and bought the bowling alley. He says, "There. I said it." She counters with, "I wish you hadn't." OUCH!! Damn, Ed! Put some Neosporin on that baby...that musta HURT!!
It's time for Shirley's interview. I have decided that Shirley has the personality of a lawn chair. Ed asks her if she wants the promotion. Shirley admits that she does not. Interview's over. Wow. I've had orgasms that lasted longer than that interview.
Back in court, Mr. $100 Million is on the stand and is being grilled by Ed. His defense is that the contract was written on a bar napkin and, thus, is null and void. Ed asks Mr. Fat Cat if he went home and received a bomb threat, would he call the police? Bill Gates Jr. says he would. Ed then asks whether he would take it seriously if the bomb threat were written on a bar napkin? Scrooge McDick says yes. Aha!! It was a trick all along!! If it's written on a bar napkin, it's as good as gold!! That Ed is one conniving freakin' lawyer!
Back at the bowling alley, Ed's staring at something when Phil walks up. "Whatcha got there...some legal crap?" Phil asks. Ed says it's something important...it's his divorce papers. Phil shoots back, "Oh, something important. I thought you were getting a sex change." Phil is allowed one limp line per show and that was it. It's now Phil's turn to be interviewed for the manager's job. But instead of a normal interview, Phil has decided to really razzle-dazzle Ed and let the customers do the talking for him. He brings Shirley in to work the lights and music. Shirley shuts off the office lights and shines a spotlight on the door while playing a muzak version of Neil Diamond's "America." A parade of customers walks through the door with nothing but praise for the Philster while Phil watches with glee. Kenny walks in and says that Phil promised to regrout his tub if he'd drop out of the race for manager. Ed has no choice but to make Phil the new manager of Stuckey Bowl. Phil acts as if he just won the Gold Medal for the hundred-meter Suck Up and cheers himself as the customers try in vain to lift him upon their shoulders. Phil's trying to soak in the moment and help boost himself onto their shoulders as he reminds the customers to "watch [his] lower back."
I have figured out why I'm so in love with Phil. He reminds me of me. We're both smarmy wise-asses with little respect for authority figures. The only difference I can see between us is that I'm pretty much hammered right now, while Phil still seems to have control over his bladder. ["Uh, does that mean you just wet yourself?" -- niki]
That evening at the Smiling Goat Bar, Nick and Carol are holding court in a booth as the local lushes are mesmerized by Nick's half-assed stories of adventures past. Suddenly, Ed walks in. This calls for...
...Commercials. As well as my 7:45 shot of schnapps.
Ed walks up to the booth and begins the obligatory awkward small talk. He sits down with Carol and Nick, and the boys begin to drink heavily. The scene is obviously a short time later, and the men are clearly drunk because their table is littered with empty beer bottles. Nick tells Ed that he needs to find himself a new woman. Ed admits that he already has. Carol looks like she just shit herself. Nick asks Ed what's wrong...where is this new woman? Ed says, "She's already in love with a pompous ass." Nick nods his head in agreement and admits that he's been in that situation before. Nick jumps up to find Ed a new woman and returns with Marie from the local roller rink. While Ed doesn't seem to be the least bit interested in Marie, I've got to admit, I had a little stirring in my groinage area for Marie. I'd be all over that Marie like a polyurethane shine on a 2001 Cadillac Seville if I were Ed. Sadly, I'm not.
The morning at Nancy and Mike's, Nancy and Ed are having a peaceful little breakfast when Mike shows up looking like Mickey Rourke after an all-night party at Christian Slater's pad. When actually, Mike finally spent an evening with Sara the Human Scream Machine. Nancy tries to humor Mike by putting pancakes on either side of his head and calling him the pancake mouse. It's not nearly as funny to Mike when he's the one running on fumes.
In court, Ed pleads with the jury to understand that this case is not a laughable case, even though the defendants are trying to make it laughable. He then asks if it's fair to the three plaintiffs to have their fifteen-year-old pact thrown out the window because it's laughable. I say it is. But right now, I'd say anything in order to quit taking notes on this show and get down to some serious drinking.
At the bowling alley that evening, the three stooges are commending Ed for a job well done when the Rich Bitch and his lawyer walk in and want to cut a deal with the three losers. The three guys are confident that they'll win in court and don't want to talk to him. Richie Rich offers the three of them jobs working for him so it can be like old times. They seem not to be interested. I'm sorry, but if I had the brain power of a hamster and an old buddy offered me a cushy job for the rest of my life, you bet your bippy I'd be kissing his ass and calling him "sir." Not these three doofusses. They're holding out for the big payoff that would find Regis Philbin kissing their asses.
After such a harrowing hour, it's time to reflect silently on the happenings during a serene montage. Ed is shown walking down a street by himself. Nick is shown smoking a pipe while Carol stands in the doorway staring at the back of his head. Nancy, Mike, and Sara The Crap Factory are asleep on the couch together. Phil is putting his "Phil Stubbs, Manager" nameplate on his desk and snidely smiling. The Rich Bastard With A Heart Of Gold is shown sitting at a bar drinking when a napkin is delivered to him. "Can we buy you a drink?" He looks up and sees the three cavemen grinning at him, apparently accepting whatever jobs he's willing to toss their way.
We then see Ed sitting on the front porch of the house when Carol shows up. "I need you to make a decision," she says. Ed decides he wants to grope her. That's not the decision she wants him to make. She asks him whether he's ever going to be capable of just being her friend. He doesn't answer but rather poses a question of his own: has she ever been alone? She admits that the first two weeks of ninth grade were pretty rough. He says when he signs these divorce papers, he will be alone. She says that he won't be alone...he has Roller Rink Marie to latch on to. He laughs and says she wasn't his type...she was too full of schnapps, which I took as a personal insult until I remembered that I'm not trying to have sex with Ed. Carol tells Ed to just shut up and sign the damned papers. He signs them and offers her a beer. They toast to friendship and then sit there in silence, sipping their beers as the show ends.
The Pittster jumps to his feet and promptly falls flat on his face. Another episode bites the dust.
WEEK: Carol tells Molly she wants to break up with Nick!! And Brad F'n Pitt lets out a small yip of glee before he realizes he's starting to sound like a schoolgirl.