You know...if you happened to watch NBC at all during the last week, you will have discovered that America LOVES Ed, because it was announced during every single commercial break that the network aired. That's right...we as a nation just cannot get enough of the madcap adventures of America's #1 mischievous imp. We want to just grab Ed in our collective arms, draw him to our collective bosom, and just French kiss the shit outta the adorable lunkhead.
As NBC has been so quick to remind us ad nauseum...over twenty-two million people watched Ed last week. To put that in perspective...if you lined up every person that Madonna has ever had sexual affairs with...you'd probably have a little more than twenty-two million. So...you know...that's a lot of Ed lovers, right?
In a nutshell...we get it, NBC. We love Ed. We can't get enough Ed. We want to wear Ed t-shirts, play with Ed dolls, and drink Ed Cola. Now give it a rest and let's see how much we love Ed when The Simpsons returns.
Alright now...this week's thrilling recap of Ed...in 3D for those of you lucky enough to have written in to Mighty Big TV and request your 3D glasses.
The show starts off with a quick recap of Ed's life and how he arrived at this episode for those stupid, idiotic morons who didn't fall in love with Ed last week. It's basically the same recap as last week, except it added a few moments from last week's show. It still made me dizzy to watch, and I had to put an ice pack on my forehead for the first several minutes of the show.
The actual show begins. I pluck an errant nostril hair and drop it on the floor to my recliner and make a mental note to not step on the hair when I get up for my 8:55 PM bowel movement.
Ed and his buddy Mike are in bed. Somewhere, Ellen DeGeneres is fuming over being five years ahead of her time. Alas...they are not in the throes of passion. Neigh, they are discussing Ed's infatuation with Carol, which, by the look on Mike's face, is getting very tired very quick. Ed wonders aloud if he had actually gone into Carol's house at the end of the last episode, would the two of them have engaged in sexual intercourse. Mike seems nonplussed. He's studying for some sort of exam that he has to take in the morning.
A side note: Mike studies way too much in bed. He's done it twice in two episodes. Give it a rest, Dr. Dumbass.
Meanwhile, while Ed's rambling on about Carol, Carol is shown at a romantic picnic with Nick Stanton, evil teacher, boyfriend of Carol, and Ed's chief nemesis. Nick proclaims his love for Carol, and Carol returns the favor by looking like she just swallowed a charm bracelet.
We go back to Mike and Ed as Ed is trying to convince himself and Mike, as well as Mike's wife Nancy who is flossing her teeth and preparing for bed, that Carol is head-over-heels in love with him. This is going on at the exact same time that Carol and Nick are enjoying a little tête-à-tête under the stars. Oh...the irony!
Nancy gets into bed with the two men and the lights go out. I instinctively reach for my crotch and commence massaging. Then Ed says, "I guess I should go to my room now, right?" Which pretty much ruins the moment for the Pittster. I go flaccid within seconds.
We go to commercials.
We're in Ed's office inside the bowling alley, and Ed is complaining to someone on the phone that he never wanted palm trees in his office or painted on the windows of his office. ["If he wanted palm trees, he'd have asked for palm trees!" -- niki] Ed seems to have a real problem with palm trees. He's really bitching about the palm trees and this is the first time we're shown the uglier side of Ed. I'm not sure I like it. I sure hope America doesn't turn on Ed over this...this...this palm-tree-hating outburst. Ed picks up a spatula and stares at it like it's the latest issue of "Penthouse." America is having second thoughts on this whole love affair with Ed deal as we start to realize...we've fallen in love with a perv. A guy walks into the office and tells Ed he'll paint the words "Stuckey Bowl" above the bowling lanes for $1,500. Ed says, "How about $300?" The guy thinks about it and says, "How about $1,500?" I giggle to myself because I've been there. You know...trying to get people to take less money for services rendered. Of course, mine was with a one-eyed Danish prostitute, but I could still relate to Ed's plight. Ed blows the guy off and walks away. Phil comes running up behind Ed and starts babbling about a catalog full of items they need for the bowling alley, like salt and pepper shakers, napkin holders...the works. Ed, getting more and more frustrated with Phil's incessant chatter, gives Phil free reign to order whatever he wants from the catalog for the bowling alley. Oh boy. I've seen my share of sitcoms, so I KNOW that this is going to lead to some crazy-assed hijinks. Never let the show's hipster doofus have control over something as crazy as ordering salt shakers.
Kenny, who overheard Ed's problems with Mr. $1,500 Sign Guy, offers Ed a solution. He tells Ed that Shirley is more than capable of painting a sign for the bowling alley above the lanes. A lightbulb goes off over Ed's head as he decides to ask Shirley to paint the words "Stuckey Bowl." After all, she's already on the payroll. He can pay her minimum wage and she can paint, and if she doesn't like it, he can boot her ass out the door. For the sake of clarity, this scenario is only implied and not stated. And, to be honest, it's barely implied. I just kinda dreamt it up. Shirley agrees to paint the sign. America lets out a collective sigh, now that the sign situation is over.
Meanwhile, Nancy is at home with a new nanny. Last week's nanny couldn't quite grasp the "Shake The Living Shit Out Of The Baby" trick to get the baby to relax, so she must have been canned. This week's nanny is a hot little number who Sara the Baby has apparently taken a quick liking to. It's obvious this new nanny is great for Sara because she's already keeping Sara from staring in a daze into the camera. And it's also obvious that Nancy doesn't care for the new nanny because the nanny can sing "Leaving On A Jet Plane" beautifully, which soothes Sara the Baby to no end. As my close friend, Chief Big Stump, would say, "I smell heapum big trouble before the hour's up."
We go back to the bowling alley, when who should show up but Stuckeyville Stan, the town's beloved magician. Stuckeyville Stan is played by Hollywood legend Eddie Bracken, who I thought died like twenty years ago. Stan needs a lawyer and has come to Ed, the infamous bowling alley lawyer that everyone has already heard about two days into his practice. It seems word of mouth travels quicker than goose shit in Stuckeyville. Stan's pissed because another magician has a local magic show titled "The Stuckeyville Stan Revue," which reveals all of the magical secrets that Stan's been performing for the last fifty-three years. Stan's livelihood has been devastated by this evil, evil magician, and he has vowed sweet revenge on the bastard. Ed agrees to take the case because Stan is an icon in Stuckeyville and was one of Ed's heroes as a child. I've noticed that Ed has a strange method of deciding which cases he takes on. He only represents those people that he genuinely likes. Meanwhile, I'm waiting patiently for the Ed episode where he's asked to represent a serial killer and has to turn him down because the killer didn't make him chuckle as a child, and the killer disembowels Ed. They'll probably save that for sweeps month. Oh. And Stan manages to pull a spatula out of Ed's ear before the whole scene is over. Ed stares wistfully at that spatula, and I begin to wonder if it's possible for a young teen boy to have sex with a spatula.
Ummm...before I continue, I'd like to go on record right now and say that Brad F'n Pitt has never had sex with a spatula in his life. Granted...I've had my share of wooden spoons jammed up my ass, but that's a different story altogether.
Carol and her fat friend Molly are shown walking around outside. As usual, Molly's trying desperately to get Carol to start liking Ed. Molly sees all of Ed's charms and thinks that she can persuade Carol to fall in love with him if she justs whine about it long enough. Molly...babe. This is Brad F'n Pitt talking, sweetie. I've got a little suggestion for you: drop it. It's as annoying as jock itch when you start this crap about trying to get Carol to dump her boyfriend of seven years to go out with Ed. Let Carol make up her own mind. She's the one with two guys madly in love with her, while you sit at home each night and make sweet, sweet love to a vibrator named "Black Stallion." And fer Chrissakes...step away from the Twinkies, girlfriend. You've got the people at Hostess working overtime for your fat ass.
Ed and Mike are shown hiding behind a building, waiting for Carol to come walking by. Ed knows her daily routine now and knows she'll be walking by any second. Mike makes an off-hand comment that what they're doing is called "stalking." I rest my case from last week's episode as well as in the forums. Ed is a stalker, people. His own best friend admitted it. I know I harped on the subject of his behavior being somewhat stalker-like and a great number of you leapt to his defense, saying Ed was NOT a stalker and did NOT have stalker qualities. Well, guess what, Sherlock Shithead?? HE IS!!! (Brad F'n Pitt shoots his fist in the air several times while making a "Whoo! Whoo!" sound until the very real threat of hyperventilation sets in.)
Carol and Molly round the corner and Ed and Mike jump out to greet them. Naturally, awkward small talk is the subject at hand until Nick Stanton, Stuckeyville's resident bastard, runs up and kisses Carol full on the mouth in front of Ed. Ed looks like he's having thumb tacks slowly pressed into his nuts.
COMMERCIALS.
We go back to the street as Carol introduces Nick to Ed and Mike. Mike gushes over Nick, who taught them both in the seventh grade, just as Ed did last week. Nick admits that he doesn't remember either of them, but he "sure remembers this pretty lady." Molly's nipples pop out in an excited manner. Sadly...Nick was talking about Carol. Molly's nipples retreat once again. The small talk escalates to the point where Nick recognizes Ed as the "bowling alley lawyer." He asks Ed why he bought the bowling alley and set up an office there. Ed almost tells Nick that he did it because he thought Carol loved him, but Carol is standing behind Nick, giving Ed one evil-looking stare. Ed says it's because his wife slept with a mailman. This pacifies everyone involved. Ed asks everyone to pitch in and help him paint the Stuckey Bowl in preparation for its grand re-opening. Nobody agrees to do it, but we Americans who just love our little Ed can't see any reason why anybody would turn the little chimp down when it comes to a paint party.
Back at the bowling alley, Shirley reveals to Ed that she has finished with the "S" in "Stuckey Bowl." Ed wants to see it. Shirley leads him to the alleys with her hand over his eyes. When he pulls the hand away, America (and parts of Canada) are shown the letter "S." Pretty anti-climactic if you're a fan of television shows that actually rely on plots to keep the viewer's attention. Ed's not impressed, but realizes that you have to handle Shirley with kid gloves, so he begins to gush over the "S." Shirley stops him with the hilarious line, "Are you hitting on me?" It may not be funny reading it here, but trust me, I about lost a testicle laughing at that one.
We're back at Nancy, Mike, and Ed's house as Nancy is complaining about the nanny, Kendra. Nancy is becoming traumatized because she thinks Sara the Baby likes Kendra the Nanny better than Nancy the Mommy. Mike consoles her, and they began to make out. Ed sits there for a creepily alarming amount of time before he excuses himself from the smutfest.
Back at the bowling alley, Phil walks into Ed's office and begins pouring salt on the floor and unleashes the best line of the night: "Check out the flow on this son of a bitch," as salt falls all over Ed's floor. Ed stares at him, dumbfounded, when Phil says, "There's someone here to see you." Ed practically trips over himself to see Fat Molly standing there instead of Carol. Ah well. Here's a paintbrush, Mollster. Start dabbing.
We then get a goofy montage of Ed and his friends painting the bowling alley while Marshall Crenshaw's "Someday Someway" plays. While everyone paints, Phil is meticulously trying out different salt shakers and their durability. Have I mentioned that I love Phil more than Ed? Ed could die in a fiery plane crash tomorrow, the show could change its name to Phil and move to Thursday nights, and NBC could charge half-a-million bucks for thirty seconds of commercial space. I guaranfuckintee it or my name isn't Brad F'n Pitt.
Carol finally shows up for the paint party after the party has pretty much wound down. She asks to speak to Ed outside. They kinda sorta argue as Carol tries to make it quite clear to Ed that she's in love with Nick, and the only reason she kissed Ed twice and offered him a chance to lick figure eights on her inner thighs is because she was caught up in some "moments." Just as the argument starts to get interesting, who should drive up but Stuckeyville Stan, everyone's favorite magician with one foot in the grave. Carol totally freaks out and admits to having a crush on Stan when she was eight years of age. She was so infatuated with him that she wrote all about him in her diary in 1978. Alright...for the sake of argument, we'll say Stan is about eighty years old. Twenty-two years ago, he would have been fifty-eight-years old. Now...what normal little eight-year-old girl would fantasize about a fifty-eight-year-old hack magician?? As my good friend Chief Iron Scrotum would say, "Me thinkum Carol got big crazy head problem."
We go to more commercials than you can shake a stick at. I know because I sat in my chair shaking a stick at the television and finally had to give up due to sheer exhaustion.
FINALLY, we get to the courtroom. Ed is questioning the masked magician who has been sharing all of Stuckeyville Stan's secrets with the citizens of Stuckeyville. The magician says there's nothing wrong with what he's doing. Ed asks why, if there's nothing wrong with it, does he feel he has to wear a mask. The magician pauses for comic effect and says, "It's stylish." I choked on that one. You REALLY had to see it to get the full effect.
That evening, Ed notices Kenny cracking up a bunch of construction workers at the bowling alley. Kenny looks at him sheepishly as the workers walk away guffawing. Ed wonders to himself what Kenny said to make them laugh. I'm willing to bet he told the joke about the three priests in the bar with the kangaroo fetus, but that's only a guess.
Meanwhile, Phil is finally closing the deal on the salt shakers. Phil is playing it like he's Donald Trump about to buy a million-dollar hotel. He writes a figure on a piece of paper, slides it over to the salt-and-pepper-shaker dealer and tells him to just take in that figure. The guy opens the piece of paper and says, "Seventeen?" Phil insists that he hush and just silently take in the figure. And America begins to fall in love with Phil as twenty-two million viewers giggle in unison.
The day, Ed's out videotaping Stuckeyville Stan at a children's birthday party. The kids are rebelling because they already know how all the tricks are done thanks to the evil "Stuckeyville Stan Revue" show that has been packing them in throughout the area's elementary schools. Stan is visibly shaken by the fact that kids are now heckling him rather than harboring crushes on his wrinkly old ass.
In a twist of television magic, the video is shown, but now we are in the courtroom watching it. I rubbed my eyes for several minutes to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Weren't we just at a children's birthday party?? And now we're in the courtroom?!? THIS IS AMAZING, GRACE!! After the video is shown, the evil magician's evil lawyer asks Stan how the evil magician has ruined Stan's act. Stan says he's been doing the same act for fifty-three years, and kids have loved it the entire time until the evil magician began exposing Stan for the fraud that he is. The evil lawyer asks Stan if he's a football fan. Stan admits that he is. The evil lawyer asks Stan who won the Super Bowl last year. Stan is stumped. I'm stumped. Twenty-two million Americans (and twelve Canadians) are stumped. I want to say the Tennessee Titans, but...hey...I'm stumped, babe. Good question, evil lawyer man. This line of questioning would have Matlock shitting himself in the courtroom. Ed has to come up with a plan because he has to win this case or else he's in jeopardy of twenty-two million Americans (and twelve Canadians) ditching his sorry ass and falling in love with Evil Lawyer Man.
The day, Carol's walking down the street when Ed pulls up. Ed asks if Carol still has that diary from 1978 when she admitted she wanted to hump a fifty-eight-year-old man. Carol says she does. Ed says, "Good...bring it to my office tonight...I'm putting you on the stand tomorrow" and drives away. Carol gives that grin that says, "Oh...that crazy Ed! I just might be falling for him after all!" And twenty-two million Americans (and twelve Canadians) all keep their fingers crossed, hoping that love is finally in the air for these two.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph...more commercials. I pluck a few more nostril hairs and form a square on the arm of my recliner with them.
Ed's going through his files when Carol walks in. Carol sees the spatula and picks it up. Ed stares at the spatula. Finally...we get to hear the story of the spatula. As it turns out...when Ed and his ex-wife first got married and moved into their first apartment, Ed walked down to the corner grocery store one Sunday morning, bought the spatula, and came back and made her scrambled eggs. That's it??? No sexual liaisons with kitchen utensils??? I've gotta say...I was left kind of empty after the spatula story. Ed's about to get all torn up over the spatula, so Carol wisely decides to change the subject and lets Ed leaf through her diary. He stumbles across a page that says, "C.V. loves B.B." He asks who B.B. is. She won't say. He guesses, "Boris Becker" and she just sits there. He's happy with the response and lets it drop.
Meanwhile, Nancy's cuddling Sara the Baby, who's being a little shit-ass if you ask me. I'm not all that experienced with children, but if my baby acted up half as much as Sara the Baby, my kid would find himself on a bus headed for Arizona in the care of a silent drifter named Bert. Anyway...Nancy's singing "Leaving On A Jet Plane" because she saw Kendra doing it a few days earlier, and it seemed to soothe that little bitch Sara. Except Nancy isn't half the singer that Kendra is. Luckily for everyone involved, Kendra walks in and decides to lend some harmony to Nancy's singing. Nancy is visibly disturbed and fires Kendra on the spot because Kendra is obviously turning into Rebecca DeMornay circa The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, and Nancy wants to nip this psycho shit in the bud pronto.
Back to the courtroom...Ed has Carol on the stand. Carol's diary is brought in as evidence, and it describes Stuckeyville Stan's act in detail, proving that it's the exact same act that he's still doing today. He's like the Robin Williams of Magic...the guy never tries anything new. While Ed has Carol on the stand, he asks Carol who B.B. is in her diary. Carol refuses to answer. The judge forces her to answer. Carol mumbles something. Finally she says it aloud: "Ben Bereen."
Of course...it's really Ben Vereen, famed dancer and actor, except Carol was only eight when she wrote it and pronounced his surname wrong. Ed and Carol laugh hysterically over the ludicrousness while twenty-two million Americans (and ten Canadians...two are still in the bathroom) scratch their heads in bewilderment. The judge wants to see Stan's famous "Dancing Turkey" trick. Throughout the entire episode, the dancing turkey trick has been teased, so the anticipation of seeing the dancing turkey has reached a fevered pitch in homes nationwide. WE DEMAND THE DANCING TURKEY. Stan and Ed do the trick. It's a frozen turkey that dances. That's it. I haven't seen choreography this lame since Michael Jackson's hair caught on fire during that Pepsi commercial. The judge rules for Stuckeyville Stan for the simple reason that Ed has to win every case on the show, because that keeps twenty-two million Americans (and thirteen Canadians...one guy is tuning in early for the television broadcast premiere of Virtuosity) happy and deeply infatuated with the guy.
We zip over to the Bowling Alley, where Phil has ordered a truckload of salt and pepper shakers to Ed's dismay. He ordered 5,000 of them because they're cheaper when they come in bulk. Ed gets a little hot under the collar and tells Phil to get rid of all but what they will need. Phil's solution? Close the door and guard it and tell the delivery men that he "no speaky English," which happens to be Phil's lamest moment on the show so far.
We close out the show with the grand re-opening of the Stuckey Bowl. Everything's painted, salted, and ready to rock. Ed stumbles upon Kenny entertaining another group of men who walk away howling. Ed's curiosity gets the best of him, and he asks Kenny what he is doing to make everyone crack up. Kenny hesitates and then finally breaks into the absolute WORST impression of "Fernando" from Saturday Night Live. "You...look...mahvelous," he says slowly and so badly that Billy Crystal could probably sue Kenny. Then again, Ed would represent Kenny and Billy Crystal would lose the lawsuit because nobody's foolish enough to take on Ed Stevens in Stuckeyville, baybee. Carol shows up at the big bash with Nick in tow. Naturally, they have to tongue-wrestle like they were seventh graders while people try to bowl around them. Ed looks like he's having thumb tacks pried slowly out of his nuts.
After the big bash is over, we're left with two people sitting and drinking at the end of one of the alleys. Ed and Carol? Nope. Kenny and Shirley? Nope. Mike and Nancy? Uh-uh. Try Ed and Fat Molly. The two characters who don't already have significant others. They're talking about life in general, and you can just tell that Molly's loins are aching for Ed to do whatever one does to stimulate another's loins.
As the camera pans back, we get a sight gag to end out the show. The words "Stuckey Bowl" have been painted nicely across the tops of the bowling lanes...except they ran out of room for the "L" in "Bowl" and it's dropping off the ceiling in awkward fashion.
Somebody call NBC and tell them to change it to twenty-two million and one. Count me in. I love this show.