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All the Eastwick witches run up against trouble when they try to take charge of their lives. They may have supernatural powers, but they're still dealing with their mundane, everyday problems.
Kat, for example, is still dealing with her loutish husband Ray. His taking of the kids last week was a stunt to make her realize he could take them again. Finally getting good and pissed, Kat not only calls Darryl's lawyer friend Ivanka but, along with her coven of gal pals, casts a spell to infest the lout with itchy red boils. Unsurprisingly, Kat ends up softening and firing Ivanka, and comes to an agreement with Ray about sharing custody of the children.
Joanna, for her part, is dealing with her upcoming first date with the adorkable Will. But wouldn't you know it? She hooks up with her ex-fiance Morgan and stands up Will. She ends up with neither man, after she uses her Peeper Powers to find out why Morgan left her at the altar (she was boring in bed and in life) and Will, crushed, witnesses her blow-up in the office.
Roxie is still dealing with her hot, Deppish neighbor Jamie, who she still suspects of wanting to murder her. (This is mundane by Roxie standards.) Encouraged by Darryl, she ends up stealing a scrapbook of spells from his apartment, which he says was left to him by his mother who died in his infancy. Except, dun DUN DUN!, Roxie finds out his mother is none other than Bun! Roxie conspires to reunite the two of them, which cannot end well.
The episode ends with the revelation that Penny has been working with Jamie to investigate Darryl. Also, they totally make out. It almost makes up for the criminal underuse of Paul Gross in this episode. Almost.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what vlogger Sean Crespo thinks of a TV show based on a 20-year-old movie in No Prior Knowledge. And check back soon for the full weecap!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open on Roxie measuring Darryl at the Van Horne Home For Wayward Witches and Broke-Ass Artists. He tries his best to engage her in measurement-related banter, but she's too busy being freaked out by Jamie suddenly showing up outside the window. He takes pictures of her through the window and looks sneaky. He looks sort of like if a ferret suddenly became human, but also hot. Roxie wakes with a start in her shop, where business is apparently so dismal that she has plenty of time to fall asleep and have psychic dreams. The real Jamie walks in with friendly neighbor chat and an apple, which he tries to offer Roxie. She babbles awkwardly about apples being deceptive and possibly being poisonous. Rebecca Romijn's hair is fabulous, by the way. The earthy thing works for her. Jamie is clearly confused but instead of being offended he good-naturedly takes back his apple and leaves for his apartment.
Somewhere on the streets of Stars Hollow, er, Eastwick, Joanna is admiring her article about the randy pastor. This is where we left her last week. The person grabbing her shoulder turns out to be a guy who looks so much like Lindsay Price that I thought for sure he would be playing Joanna's brother. But no, he's Morgan, and he must be an old flame judging by the way Joanna immediately launches in an overshare about her sex life and her period and teens having anal sex. He blinks as she scampers away to get ready for work. You know, I started out sympathetic to Joanna, because I can be socially awkward myself and have been known to give voice to my inner monologue when it's most inconvenient. But she's gone right past "socially awkward" and into Susan Mayer territory. In other words: shut up, Joanna.
Kat is at her house, still looking for her kids. She frantically calls Ray and begs him to call her back. Only when she hangs up does she add, "Call me back, you sonofabitch!" She considers the divorce lawyer's card given to her by Darryl, but ends up calling 9-1-1 instead and reports her kids as being kidnapped. Opening credits.
At the Gazette, Penny and Joanna have an informative conversation about how Morgan is the ex-fiance who left Joanna at the altar two years ago in downtown Boston and how Joanna couldn't afford a real Vera Wang dress so she went with Vera Chang, and ended up puking into a potted plant because Morgan broke up with her via text message and she only heard from him once since then when he drunk-emailed her about Cheers and broken hearts, and then Joanna got a job at the Gazette after sending out 300 resumes. Seriously, they exposit this whole thing in about 10 seconds with no pausing for breath. I'm as impressed as I am annoyed! Joanna is upset that Morgan is showing up out of the blue just when things are about to get going with Will, but Penny thinks it's her chance to rub it in Morgan's face. Joanna finds a bouquet of flowers from Darryl on her desk, congratulating her on her exposé of the reverend. Penny thinks it's a distraction and wants to get back to their own investigation on Darryl. She mentions a "secret source" who gave her some info on a "Dominic Savage." Joanna is too wrapped up in her personal crisis to even hear Penny. She flits off all in a tizzy.
Kat's Waffling House. She's frantically explaining to the horribly named Sheriff Teaser about Ray running off with the kids. Just then, Ray shows up with their brood and a new puppy the children have named TiVo but would be more aptly named The Bribe Daddy Bought To Manipulate The Children's Feelings. Ray and his utterly hideous wedge of hair play the "oops, my phone was off" card for the Sheriff. The Sheriff, already tired of this plot line, leaves. Kat sends the kids upstairs and has it out with Ray. He turns it around her, shouting and blaming her passive-aggressiveness and "gal pals" for their troubles. Her calls her a lying bitch. She tells him they're over. He threatens to take the kids again, and maybe this time he won't bring them back. Kat tells Ray and his affront to the follicular arts that he just got himself a war. Seriously, Kat, just put down a drop cloth and blow him away with your witchy powers.
Down at the Van Horne Mansion of Mystery and Manly Measurements, Roxie is taking a tape measure to Darryl, just as she was in her vision earlier. Once she realizes her vision is coming true, she goes over to the window to check for Jamie. She doesn't see him this time. Darryl tries his best to distract her with sexual innuendo, but Roxie isn't having it. He seems genuinely concerned about how upset she is. She explains about how her neighbor seems like a creepy murderer in her dreams, but in real life he's actually very sweet. Darryl feigns jealousy that she's dreaming of another man. He quotes Socrates about the evils of ignorance, gets a little glint in his eyes, and advises her to "be neighborly" in order to find out the truth about Jamie.
Coffee cart outside the Gazette. Joanna runs into Morgan. The tinkly music of lost loves and bad ideas plays. Just as Joanna starts talking to him, an annoyingly bubbly redhead bounces up to them and immediately vomits forth enough corn pones and red-eye gravy to flood the Mississippi. That is just how exaggerated and annoying her Southern accent is. Morgan introduces her as his fiancée Charlene. They're getting married there in Eastwick because of some plot contrivance involving Charlene's childhood wishes and an "itty bitty church." Seriously, she says the words "itty bitty church." She's been on screen for a minute and I already wish she'd come down with a fatal case of the vapors. Joanna says she went to college with Morgan, or "Moo-Moo" as Charlene calls him, as she claps like a dim-witted manatee. Joanna congratulates them and gets the hell out of there before Charlene can start in about birthin' youngins in the holler, or eatin' possum vittles with her inbred kinfolk, or whatever it is the writers think Southerners do.
Back at the Van Horne mansion where there is a dearth of naked Darryl, Kat is ranting about her awful husband. She wants Darryl to fire him from the candle factory. Darryl doesn't think that's the answer. Kat says she wants Ray to feel pain. Darryl is delighted that she's finally getting angry, but as much as he loves a good revenge strategy, he thinks there's a "certain breed of people who play this game better than others." Kat wonders if it's the mafia, but Darryl produces another one of those business cards with a little sleight of hand. Ah, lawyers. Kat hems and haws until Darryl says he insists. He gives her a charming smile. He even hands her a phone to make the call. As Kat considers the offer and then finally accepts, a bunch of tulips behind her go from white to red.
Gazette. Will walks in on Penny and Joanna freaking out about Morgan's impending marriage. They cover by telling him they were talking about their aunt's dead cow. Will, being a sweet but gullible fellow, smiles and accepts their ridiculous behavior. Joanna and Will exchange goofy smiles. Will says he's doing great because he's got a date with an amazing woman tomorrow night. Joanna looks at him blankly before he realizes he's talking about her. More goofy smiles. Joanna thinks out loud that Will doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd leave someone at the altar, not that they're getting married, or anything. Luckily for her, Will leaves before she can embarrass herself further. Penny wants to buy her a muzzle. I'd chip in for that. Joanna stresses about going out with Will while she's got all this mess with Morgan going on. Penny tries to get her to focus for a minute on their Van Horne story again and Penny's "secret source." Joanna blows her off to go barf. She'll probably recount the details at some future date when it's least appropriate.
Roxie's at her shop. When she sees Jamie leaving in his car, she sneaks up to his apartment, using a small clay-sculpting tool to pick the lock on his door. There are tons of books inside. Roxie picks up one that Jamie himself wrote called Celtic Lore & Magick. she finds an old leather-bound scrapbook with that triangular swirly symbol branded onto the cover. She flashes back to her vision where Jamie had the same symbol branded into his hip. She doesn't have time to look through it more because Jamie is back from the world's shortest errand. She takes the book with her and goes back down into the shop.
Roxie's Coven of the Traveling Pants. Kat can't believe Roxie stole the book. Roxie admits it was stupid and dangers, but she shows them the symbol on the cover. Kat recognizes it from Bun's drawings at the hospital and Joanna remembers it from the door at Eleanor Rougemont's house. They all look weirded out until Kat remembers the town thrives on "witchy, touristy bullcrap." She writes it off. Roxie flips through the book, admiring all the spells and recipes that people have been adding to for centuries. They come across a spell for a bubbling red pox. Kat, tipsy on the martinis they've been drinking, fills them in on her upcoming appointment with the lawyer and about how she's through with being nice. Joanna is so gleefully down with the idea of destroying a man that the others figure something's up with her. She explains the Morgan sitch and all the stuff we've already seen her go through this episode. She concludes that she's tired of talking about herself (Thank you!) and proposes they put a pox on Ray. Roxie even already has all the spell ingredients, because she's earthy like that. They light candles and get down to magic. Somewhere across town, Ray is leaving a bar and getting into his truck. The witches blow out the candles and Ray starts scratching at a red spot on his neck.
Roxie's shop. She's working on a sculpture when she hears Jamie cursing upstairs. She goes up and finds him searching frantically through his apartment. He explains he's looking for a scrapbook his mother left to him. He never knew her, having been put up for adoption as a baby, and his adoptive parents were killed in a car accident when he was four. After that, he was in and out of foster homes and landed at a boarding school outside of London. Roxie looks increasingly pained. He calls it "rather Dickensian." He came to Eastwick to write a book because he and his mother were both born there, but now he's lost the only thing he has of his family. Roxie says he might still find it and leaves to go stew in her guilt juices.
Kat's House of Husbands Who Need to Leave. She finds Ray asleep on the couch and prods him to get to work. He sits up and she sees all these red boils on his neck. At first she looks horrified, but then she passes them off as the work of the dog's fleas. He tells her to go "fetch" him a glass of orange juice. Which she does, but she pours it over his head. time, please make it a bottle of Nair, OK? Thanks.
Morgan shows up on Joanna's doorstep. She's all dressed up for her date with Will, but lets Morgan in to explain himself. Elsewhere in town, Kat and Darryl are at a nice restaurant waiting for her new lawyer. Kat tells a charming story about Ray "tampering" with a customer's soup back when he worked there as a busboy and she hasn't been back there since. Ivanka the supermodel lawyer shows up at this point and compliments Kat on her dowdy dress and dry hair (it's totally not) because they make her "the perfect victim." They sit down and Ivanka starts fishing for info to use against Ray. Drinker? Violent? Unsafe for the kids to be around? Kat seems to think that's going too far (I don't!) but Darryl reminds her of how she felt when Darryl threatened to take the children. Is she going to fight back? She thinks about this for a long time and then turns to the lawyer: "He used to smoke weed." A nearby rose withers while its thorny branches grow.
Morgan and Joanna are drinking wine at her place, reminiscing about the old days when Joanna accidentally set the curtains on fire while making crème brulee for him. He says Charlene's never cooked for him. Joanna doesn't want to talk about Charlene. More wine drinking. Morgan says he blew it back then. Joanna, he says, looks like a "frickin' goddess" now what with her inner glowing and confidence. He confesses he's still in love with her and he was an idiot for leaving her. He thinks fate is giving them another chance. Joanna is tearful. Tearful and stupid. They kiss and start going at it on the couch. Meanwhile, Will is sitting at a restaurant alone, looking around like a hopeful puppy at the animal shelter, waiting for the new family who never comes. Oh, I just made myself sad.
Morning dawns on Eastwick. Joanna rolls off Morgan and they both lie there panting in bed. Joanna says she needs to ask him something. "Anything," he says. She uses her special eye powers and makes him tell her the truth about why he left her at the altar. And boy, does he ever! "I knew I was settling," he confesses. Plus, she wasn't adventurous enough, or hot enough, and the sex was boring. Joanna looks horrified. He goes on about how much she whined about wanting to be a writer. Plus, one of her boobs was smaller than the other. "It was traumatizing!" he exclaims almost gleefully. Joanna listens to all of this slack-jawed. Morgan suddenly realizes what he's said. Joanna suddenly realizes what a horrible mistake she's made.
Lawyer meeting. Raymond is scratching at his festering boils and waiting for his pal Bob, who isn't technically a lawyer, but who's been to two semesters of law school. Kat is floored. Ivanka looks pleased and icy. Bob finally blusters in from his bowling game and notices Ray's gross pustules. Kat announces that Ray has fleas. Ivanka wonders if Ray would even know what to do if the children got sick. "I would call Kat," he says after a long pause. Ivanka smiles. "She's a freaking nurse!" Ray explains, but even he seems to realize how hopeless he'd be with the kids. Kat looks like she's starting to take pity on him. Noooo!
Roxie's house. She has Bun over for tea. Bun apparently is suffering from memory loss as a result of her jillion ant bites and subsequent coma. Let me just pause here to say it confuses the hell out of me that Veronica Cartwright is on this show but that there doesn't seem to be any relation between Bun and her Witches of Eastwick character, Felicia. On the show, she's all, "Yay, witches!" and in the movie she was more like, "Ugh! Cherry pits!" Roxie reminds Bun that they've been friends for years. She goes to get her keys, leaving Bun alone at the table to find the witchy scrapbook. Bun lets out a strangled cry when she sees the swirly triangle. Roxie comes rushing back. Bun cries that Roxie stole her book. Roxie stops herself just short of saying that the book belonged to Jamie's mother. "Oh, my God," she says when she realizes that this means Bun is Jamie's mother. Possibly.
Penny and Joanna walk to work. Joanna asks if her boobs are weird. Penny assures her they're not: "They're boobiful." Aw, I love Penny. Joanna goes on about standing up Will for Morgan. "What the hell is my problem?" she wonders. Penny thinks lust makes people do stupid things. "Like pay $60 for a Brazilian," she says with a frown. They head into the office. Penny gives Joanna handy tips for lying to Will, and if that doesn't work: "Just show him the big boob!" Joanna lies to Will about sending him a message the night before, but it must not have gone through. She uses her eye power to make him believe her, which he does. They make a date for dinner at Joanna's place that night.
Roxie's shop. She visits Jamie and offers him a noodle casserole. She apologizes for being a judgmental neighbor. He accepts both the casserole and the apology and invites her in. He goes off to reheat the food and Roxie takes the opportunity to take his scrapbook out of her bag and shove it under one of his bookcases. They talk about his project and about how he was at Darryl's place to take pictures. Roxie thinks this explains away her vision and that he wasn't taking pictures of her or Darryl at all. Roxie nosily asks if he's researched his mother yet. Jamie says he hasn't, because the thought of it "paralyzes" him. Roxie broadly hints about his mother possibly being alive. "You never know!" That is totally going to come back to bite you in the ass, Roxie.
Courthouse. Kat's kids are waiting outside with a sitter when Kat and Ivanka come out. The reunion boils down to Kat's kids thinking she hates Ray, and then Ray showing up to take them to Grandma's. Kat asks him if he told the kids she hates him. He denies it and implies it's her actions making them think she hates him. She begs him not to do this. "I'm not doing anything," he says, and takes the kids. Kat looks destroyed as she watches them go. You know, I'm all for parents trying to get along in front of the kids, but I hate that they keep having Kat make all the concessions.
Nighttime at the Gazette. Morgan shows up to take Joanna to dinner. Joanna is confused because he should be at his wedding. Morgan says he broke up with Charlene and thank God we didn't have to see or hear it or we'd be neck deep in Southern-fried hokum. Joanna tries to explain to him that what happened last night was a big mistake. "How could three times be a mistake?" he asks. Everyone around the office has started gathering around and watching attentively like it's theatre in the round. Joanna very loudly goes on about what Morgan said in bed about her being boring, and calls him a coward. Penny has her back. Joanna has an epiphany that that's why he walked out on both her and Charlene. Morgan's like, "Fine, whatever, forget it," and starts out the door. Joanna keeps going on about Morgan's "bacne," his bad breath, and his tiny testicles. "I happen to be an avid cyclist," Morgan says in defense of his wee nuts. Joanna is triumphant until she sees Will. He says he won't be coming over for dinner, tonight or ever. Joanna is crushed.
Kat's International House of Poxcakes. Ray is applying frozen bags of veggies to his festering sores. Kat, coming home from the hospital takes pity on him (Nooo!) and slathers some ointment on him. They have a calm discussion about their problems but at this point, I'm past caring because based on just the few episodes we've had so far, these moments of peace don't last and Raymond will be back to acting like a pissy gorilla. Kat says she's changed. She still loves him, she says, but she doesn't love their relationship. "I fired Ivanka," she says, because she doesn't want the kids to suffer. She suggests taking turns living with the kids in the house for a week at a time. Ray gets the first week. Good luck with that, fools.
Roxie leads Bun around town, trying to jog her memory. Bun is tired and thinks Roxie smells like broccoli. Ha! I wish she'd said that earlier so I could have called her Broxie for the weecap. They sit on a bench outside the shop as Jamie greets them on his way inside. Bun stares after him. She recognizes him: "I held him when he was a baby!" Roxie smiles and promises to help her.
Episode wrap-up time! Kat goes to stay with Joanna for the week. Jamie sits alone in his apartment, sorting through a stack of pictures and looking hot. Oh, lookie there! They're the pictures he said he took at Darryl's mansion, except they really are of Roxie and Darryl standing at the window. He takes a particularly long look at a solo shot of Roxie, interrupted only when a knock comes at the door. It's Penny. "Sorry I'm late," she says. Ah, so Jamie is her "secret source." Her hot, strangely hot secret source. She tells him that Joanna's almost ready to get back to the Van Horne story, and asks Jamie if he has anymore information on "Dominic Savage." Jamie says he does, but... "It can wait," he says all breathily. He takes Penny's hand and pulls her to him. They start kissing and grasping at each other. Like, a lot. I bet that $60 Brazilian seems like a real bargain right about now, huh, Penny?
Tippi has a slight Southern drawl, but she has never had a possum. You can reach her through a spiritual medium or via email at b_tippi@yahoo.com.