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Darryl Van Horne is planning to build a brewery in Eastwick. A brewery! That makes beer! The alcoholic kind! This outrages the populace, apparently, especially a priest by the name of Pastor Dunn, who's exceedingly angry about this. Keep Eastwick Dry! Nobody seems to mind that the main characters have been getting drunk at least once per episode. This is wrapped up when Joanna finds Pastor Dunn at a whorehouse and writes a big front-page exposé.
Meanwhile, Joanna's husband Raymond has turned out to still be a huge jerk even though he got his job back. So the divorce is back on. And Roxie sees Gus's ghost around town until she apologizes for possibly causing his death. Then he vanishes again.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Before we get into the recap, let's talk about What's Wrong With This Show. My basic problem with it is that I already know that all three main characters have magic powers. I even know what they are. I assume Darryl is some kind of demon or something, because that's what he was in the book and the movie, and also because he showed up in a puff of magic smoke while wearing a T-shirt that said "I AM OBVIOUSLY SOME KIND OF DEMON OR SOMETHING". So all this stalling around where the women slowly come to terms with the idea that they might possibly have magic powers? Boring. You're witches. You use magic powers every episode. Get on with it. The investigation into Darryl's mysterious background? Don't care. He's a demon. Or something. Everybody already knows that. Skip ahead a bit. Make something interesting happen!
Sorry. Just had to get that off my chest. It's like if Lost started season one with a voiceover saying "These people are stranded on an island with polar bears and hidden hatches," you know?
Bun is awake, but apparently crazy. You can tell because she's mumbling "Three Blind Mice". She's lost her memory and she's constantly doodling The Symbol that we've seen on Jamie's torso and in front of Eleanor's house. From now on, I'll just call that The Symbol. It kind of freaks out Kat, who's checking up on Bun in her capacity as a nurse.
There's a festival going on. Eastwick has a lot of festivals, doesn't it? In this case, it's because Van Horne Ventures has declared some place to be the Future Side of Eastwick Brewing Company. Darryl and The Witches (that's what I'm calling them from now on, because why keep denying it?) walk through the crowd talking about Oatmeal Stout. He encourages Kat to contact his lawyer to divorce Raymond, but she's getting back together with him. He asks Kat to take the divorce lawyer's business card, but she declines, putting it back in Darryl's pocket. That's important, just so you know. Raymond rushes up to gush to Kat about how they're giving away beer cozies.
Joanna, who is still trying to advance her subplot about investigating Darryl's mysterious past, tries to ask Darryl some questions, but he'd rather talk to Roxie. He asks her if she's at all bothered by the way she wished to see Gus dangling by his neck in town square and then that very thing happened, but she insists that it was just a coincidence. See, this is the kind of thing I'm talking about. Nobody watching thinks it was a coincidence, Darryl doesn't think it was a coincidence, even Roxie doesn't really think it was a coincidence. So why are we slogging through the part of the story where she acts like it was? Anyway, Darryl's mute servant Fidel has brought him some giant scissors, which is always funny. Roxie turns around and sees Gus's dead face, attached to the rest of his dead body, right in front of her. She screams.
After Kat and Joanna check in with Roxie, Darryl makes a speech about how he's building a brewery. He's really enthusiastic. But just then! He's interrupted by a priest with an injunction. The priest, who I might as well tell you is Pastor Dunn, claims that he knows the truth about Darryl, but he's just accusing him of bribing someone. Darryl offers to work things out with Dunn, but Dunn is too angry and protesty. This land was promised to the church, and he does not make deals with liars or criminals! Well, obviously he does make deals with liars, if someone offered him the land and then reneged. Darryl takes his giant scissors and walks off while Dunn and his mob cheer. Incidentally, most of the signs say things like "Keep Eastwick a dry town", so the protesters are mostly objecting to a brewery on principle, not because someone promised the land to the church. I don't think the town's actually alcohol-free, considering how much public drunkenness we've already seen in just three episodes. Kat's husband Raymond drinks beers on the public thoroughfare all the time!
Mia has a scene! Apparently all her little school chums think Gus was her boyfriend and want her to go to a memorial down at the ol' swimmin' hole. Mia is peer-pressured into going to what's described as "a total sobfest" because it's the only way people will start treating her normally again.Joanna wants the Pastor to talk to her, but he's secretive and taciturn. Also he's skeptical about the neutrality of a newspaper owned by Darryl Van Horne. He'll go as far as "Darryl Van Horne is evil" and "He chills me to the bone", but he has nothing concrete. Just a lot of worrying about the spiritual cost. And when Joanna asks for something more concrete, he starts lecturing her about her public drunkenness. He predicts death and debauchery. Now we're talking!
Meanwhile, Roxie and Chad are apparently having sex for the fourth time in one day. That's that debauchery I've heard so much about! And the death is supplied by Gus, who appears in the bed to smile at Roxie. He still looks dead, but being able to talk makes him less macabre. All he says, though, is "Hey, Roxie." Whatever happened to "Boo!"?
Joanna arrives at the Van Horne mansion while Darryl is looking fondly at a model of a building he is presumably planning on building. I guess it's probably the brewery. She wants to interview him, but he wants to show off his beer bottle plans. He's not worried about Pastor Dunn. Joanna tries out the hypno-eyes to make Darryl answer the question. "Tell the truth. Who are you and why did you come here?" He looks deep into her eyes and then answers "You don't want to know". Her hypno-eyes have failed more often than they've worked. Then Darryl gets a call and ends the interview. He says "8:00 PM tonight" in a tone that suggests he's repeating whatever the person on the other end said, takes notes on a notepad and rips off the top sheet. As soon as he turns around, Joanna steals the whole notepad, presumably so she can do that pencil-shading thing everyone knows about. Have you ever actually tried it? It doesn't work so well if the person was using a pen, because then they don't push hard enough to make an impression on the second sheet down. It's more of a pencil-era technique.
Raymond comes home in a good mood because he's just been paid. He wants to take Joanna out on a date! At a place with tablecloths! She sees the lawyer's card on the kitchen counter and tears it up. Gosh, how'd that get there?
Roxie and Chad walk through the mansion's hallways. Darryl makes fun of them after Chad leaves: "He wants you to text him. OMG!" See, because Chad is younger than Roxie. As Roxie lectures Darryl about how hot Chad is, she sees Dead Gus again. Darryl doesn't see anything. Roxie insists that she doesn't believe in ghosts, and Darryl drops some Hamlet on her: "There are more things on heaven and earth, Roxie, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." You know, when Gus shows up, all he does is stare at her. If it weren't for his ash-grey complexion, it wouldn't be spooky at all. Darryl tells Roxie to ask Gus what he wants, since that's probably the easiest way to get him to leave. That's a valid plan.
Joanna and Penny look at a corkboard with their Darryl notes on it. Joanna rubs her pencil on the notepad, and it works perfectly. It always works perfectly, except in The Big Lebowski. So now Joanna figures that Darryl will be at this address at 8:00. She's positively giddy over the chance to wear a ski mask while staking out this house in Southwick. There's a Southwick now? Penny is excited to go on a stakeout, and they talk a bit about Emilio Estevez. Penny runs across a stack of pictures that Joanna has surreptitiously taken of Will with her phone. That's creepy. They talk about Emilio Estevez some more, and Penny insists that Will is totally into Joanna. Joanna is sad because she hypnotized Will into liking her, but you'll notice she hasn't reversed the hypnotism or anything. They drink wine. See? Lots of drinking.
Roxie tries to summon Gus's spirit. No dice. I, um, mean that she isn't having any luck. But I guess the alter
nate meaning of "she is not using the Spirit Dice from last episode" also works. Kat and Joanna enter, which startles Roxie. They're here to borrow clothes. Joanna wants stakeout clothes, and Kat wants date clothes. Kat is a little snotty about Roxie imagining Gus's ghosts. She insists that it's all in Roxie's head. Joanna is completely gratuitously changing clothes in the room so we can all see her bra. Well, it's not like Darryl hasn't been half-naked in every episode. Joanna recommends this psychic she interviewed once. Say, Kat fits into Roxie's dress surprisingly well, considering that the two women are completely different shapes. Both Roxie and Joanna make allegedly titillating lesbian references. They drink!
Kat and Raymond are on their date. Raymond owns a suit! And he wants to relive the time the two of them had sex in the public pool. Oh, lord. It's not even inside! It's just across the street from a bunch of houses! He objects to women being drunk in public, but he thinks it's a good idea to have sex in the community pool while shrieking "Whoo!"? Anyway, Ray jumps in first, and Kat follows him. Ray wonders "Why'd it get so warm all of a sudden?" I assume that's supposed to indicate that Kat's warmed up the pool with her magic powers, but it really just sounds like one of them peed in the pool. Not all that sexy.
Roxie meets up with the medium, who is only barely paying attention. Roxie's a little squeamish about taking the medium's hands, but I think that's because of the fried chicken the medium was eating a second ago. Roxie protests that she can't see Gus, but the medium insists that he's there and he's moving to a better place, etc. The evidence for that is the flickering candles, but Roxie can see the bored teenager waving an electric fan around. She gets angry, as you do in this situation. In Roxie's anger, she spits out, "As far as my money goes, you can choke on it!" And the fake psychic immediately begins choking. Gosh! Do you think there's a chance Roxie has magic powers? Because I'm starting to think there's a chance she does. The psychic has the sense to give Roxie back her money, which stops the choking.
Gus's memorial. Everyone has candles and is sharing tearful memorials about Gus, whom they all loved. They make Mia say something, and she finally tells them that none of them knew him and that the whole thing makes her want to puke. She leaves in a huff
.Joanna and Penny are on their stakeout, which turns out to be at Mrs. Yang's Tearoom. Penny's bored and wants to go inside. They go inside and demand tea. For two. Mrs. Yang seems perplexed by the idea of serving tea, and asks if they're cops. They are not. Well, are they here for work? They say they are. Then they realize that it's a brothel. As they leave, Joanna recognizes Pastor Dunn on the front porch with a lady of the evening. If I were a priest, I would perform my dalliances inside. But that's me: Mr. Careful. Joanna takes a picture with her product-placed phone and the muscly bald guy I forgot to mention from the inside of the tearoom grabs them by their throats. But Joanna finally puts her hypno-eyes to good use and makes him let them go. Joanna and Penny leave. Quickly.
Kat and Raymond are still making out in the pool. Everything's going fine until Kat mentions Martini Night with The Girls. Raymond gets angry and resentful immediately. He doesn't want her seeing them anymore! They have a shouty argument while standing shoulder deep in the pool, and as she gets angrier, he gets more goosepimply and shivery. The pool freezes completely over as they get out just in time. See, these two don't stand around saying "It's impossible for this pool to be freezing over"; they see what's happening and react appropriately.
Mia runs through the trees, pursued by some kid named Josh who's concerned about her. She tells him to go away. He's willing to, but he's lost so he calls his brother, who will follow his phone's GPS. That's pretty much it.
Eastwick Gazette. Will tells Joanna that her pictures are all high-res and can be blown up as big as the newspaper needs. I do not believe that. Anyway, she's giddy about the story, which she considers front-page material. Oh boy! Gossip! Although Joanna is a little wistful as she realizes that she was led to the "tearoom" so she'd get the story. As Will scrolls through the pictures on Joanna's phone, he finds the stash of pictures of himself. And his butt. Joanna panics! They have a conversation about how Will likes her but she made him like her. He insists that he's always wanted to kiss her, since the very first day he saw her. Things get out of hand quickly. He and Joanna are about to have animalistic sex on top of a desk, but he insists that he wants to take her on a private date first. Naturally.
Roxie drives down the street and swerves to avoid the ghost of Gus. He says he wants "two little words" and he'll vanish. Roxie says "Screw you!" and we're not rid of him yet.
Lost in the woods somewhere, Josh gives his jacket to Mia. He assures her that her eulogy was only mildly crazy and agrees that the mourners are all phonies, man. He thinks Gus was a nice kid back in kindergarten, but he mostly came because he knew Mia would be there. Josh's brother shows up, and it's Chad. You know, Roxie's boy? Chad leads them out of the woods, and I wonder why Josh's GPS-enabled phone couldn't help him get back to civilization.
Roxie shows up at Darryl's place babbling about how she made Gus die with her wish. She doesn't deserve peace because she's an awful person! That's her talking, not me. I think she deserves at least some peace. Darryl assures her that she shouldn't be sorry. Then he quotes Ezekiel 25:17, which Roxie identifies as being the line from Pulp Fiction. Darryl wants to know why he gets to have all the vengeance-related fun. Roxie admits that she mostly felt relief when she saw that Gus was dead, but now she's worried that she's going to Hell. Darryl assures her that there are worse places than Hell. He goes in for a very slow kiss, and Roxie's phone rings just before their lips touch. It's Chad, catching Roxie up on Mia's deal.
Joanna is preparing to take a shower when someone opens her front door. A glass breaks! She's scared! There's someone out there! Gasp! She gets the hell out of there, still wrapped in a towel.
Roxie arrives home to fine Joanna and Kat sitting on the front porch. She declines the menage she just naturally assumes they're there for, and they complain about their various problems. "I think my house is being robbed." "I think I need to leave Raymond." Joanna gets off the phone with a police officer and reports that whoever it was has left, but the place was ransacked. She's convinced it was Pastor Dunn. Kat doesn't think Raymond's changed at all. Men is dogs, honey.
Chad brings Mia home and gets the heck out of there. Mia is sulky about telling Roxie what's going on, but then explains that she went to the memorial for Gus because she felt guilty about wishing him harm right before he died. She talks about honoring "whatever piece of him deserved to be honored", and Roxie looks touched.
The morning, Joanna shrieks (seriously, shrieks) about her front-page article with her byline. Seriously, how big a deal can this possibly be? Didn't she write the front page article about the ant attack in the pilot? And what kind of chintzy newspaper puts a picture of the writer to front page news like that? On the other hand, I see they got some color pictures on the front page for once. Kat goes off to get her kids awake and deal with Raymond. Joanna is giddy. And also really annoying. She goes off to buy a copy of the paper from every vendor in town. Wow, three whole papers?
Darryl and Fidel watch as flowers are destroyed to make room for their brewery.
Sitting alone in the dark, the pastor cuts up the picture of Joanna and vows revenge.
Kat comes home and calls for the kids. They're missing! She finds the divorce attorney's card, mysteriously un-cut-up and attached to the refrigerator. Raymond has written "GO TO HELL" on it. So I guess the divorce is back on, putting us back where we were after the pilot. Productive!
Roxie and Mia go to Gus's mother's house and return his T-shirt. Roxie looks at the ghost of Gus and says "I'm sorry, too." Gus fades. As Joanna walks happily down the street with an armful of the Gazette, a hand descends on her shoulder. She jumps, but we don't see who it is. Darryl looks at the corkboard and tosses the evidence into the fire. As he tosses the picture of his '80s ladies in, Bun's notebooks full of symbols catches fire as her own face in the picture goes up in flames.
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Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what vlogger Sean Crespo thinks of a TV show based on a 20-year-old movie in No Prior Knowledge.
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