Susan's foray into the online porn industry gets a little bit interesting this week, when she moves on from cleaning in her pajamas to having one-on-ones with perverted old men. When she can't hack it, she quickly goes from "Tanya" to fired. Until someone keeps calling Maxine asking for Tanya. He offers enough money for her to take Susan back, and for Susan to go back (although it probably wouldn't take all that much money, after Mike discovered the missing money from their bank account). She drinks wine to work up her nerve, then fires up the webcam only to find Paul Young on the other end. He somehow looks even skeevier on a computer monitor, and it doesn't help when he blackmails her, saying he'll spill her secret if she doesn't sell him her house. And then Mary Alice tells us that Paul (whom she keeps calling "Paul Young," which is so weird since he's her husband) has a plan to turn everyone on Wisteria Lane against each other -- and it's going to succeed.
Lynette, meanwhile, is on her nanny hunt, until Tom hires his mom, Allison (played by True Blood's Lois Smith), to do the job. She's great with the baby, but Lynette hates that Tom turns into a Neanderthal when she's around, all holding up his coffee cup to have it refilled and having her remake breakfast so he can have French toast instead of eggs. And, when Allison starts to treat Lynette's boys the same way she does Tom but expects Penny to help her wait on them, Lynette's had enough. She tells Allison that's not how they live in this house, and that maybe it didn't work out so well for her, either, given that her husband cheated and left. Lynette hires "boobs" as the nanny instead, but Tom fires her and puts his foot down: He's bringing his mom back. She and Lynette have a moment, in which they tearfully agree to disagree. And then it seems Allison has Alzheimer's. I mean, don't all old people?
Elsewhere: Bree and Hot Handyman have more sex than she can handle, which she thinks is because he's young and virile but turns out to be because he's trying to keep her interested. And Gaby and Renee become the latest frenemies, until they're just enemies, then finally friends. They bond over their beauty, then fight over their inability to keep secrets (Renee spills that Gaby had a nose job, and Gaby tells Renee's husband that Renee slept with his divorce lawyer). They forgive and forget, though, when Renee realizes Gaby's the only one who was a good enough friend to tell her the truth. (I'm really not sure why Gaby would forgive Renee for ratting out her nose job, but I guess this show has a policy that Renee has to resolve her fights with our main characters in one episode.)
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see our gallery of the show's best psychopaths.
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Previously: Bree and Hot Handyman heated things up. Gaby bonded with her biological daughter. Lynette needed a nanny. Susan had to pay $9,000 to keep her online cleaning-porn job a secret, but a mystery man picked up her poster. Also, I recapped two seasons of this show and now I've decided to move on. I'll still be around, writing about Chuck and How I Met Your Mother and The Apprentice and various other shows, and maybe I'll come back here to visit from time to time. Thankfully, this episode was the best one in awhile.
Anyway, we pick up with Mary Alice Voiceovering to us about Emma Graham (played by singer Dana Glover, who should perhaps mean something to me but doesn't). Emma's a housewife and mother who wants to be so much more than that (don't they all?). So she puts together a cabaret show to show them all just how amazing she is. Her neighbors (our ladies of Wisteria) all show up at the Smokehouse Lounge to watch her. MAVO says they all learned Emma Graham wasn't so ordinary. As a sax player Kenny G.'s along with her, Emma sings breathily and plays piano. Tom, Lynette and Carlos all watch attentively from a table in the bar. And Mrs. McCluskey and Lee watch from another table. Emma's daughter and husband watch from another. Then Gaby and Renee break it all up by stumbling out of the kitchen in a fistfight. Lee tries to break it up and gets thrown easily aside, then Renee lands a punch to Gaby's nose, which ends up bleeding.
"One Week Earlier." MAVO tells us that "she" knew what she was doing was wrong, dangerous, and had risks. But Susan was determined to get back to Wisteria Lane, which is how her world began to fall apart. She opens up her camera and introduces herself as "Tanya" to some guy who's just obsessed with seeing her boobs. He calls them jugs, then tots, then moneymakers, but Susan won't show 'em, and instead slams the computer shut. Maxine pops up from nowhere and tells Susan she cost them a major client by pulling the plug mid-session. Maxine says she can't keep giving Susan chances. When another guy calls and asks for a private session with Tanya, Maxine tells him right in front of Susan that Tanya doesn't work for her anymore.
Bree and Hot Handyman finish up a date, with her apologizing for taking him to such a fancy place with so many forks. He kisses her on the cheek and goes to leave, but she tells him to stop being so sweet and take her inside. They make out. Cut to the day, with her telling the ladies she had sex three times the night before. Gaby even realizes it's more interesting than whatever she was going to say about her conversation with her biological daughter, Grace. Bree goes on and on about how sex with someone in his 30s is life-changing, like opera. Gaby: "You fell asleep during it?" Dude, Gaby, the snarking is supposed to be my job. Stop being so good at it. They see Renee coming, and Gaby takes the opportunity to tell Lynette that she doesn't like her, since she's kind of a self-absorbed narcissistic diva. Lynette acknowledges they do already have one of those.
Renee joins them on the porch with a bottle of champagne to celebrate all the money she just got in her divorce settlement, despite having a prenup. When Bree complains that Renee added champagne to her iced tea, Renee says, "Well, I just made it fun." And, really, Bree could use a little bit of that. Renee wants to have them all over for dinner, since she has more champagne, caviar, "and a pile of money to roll around naked in." Gaby's totally in as long as there's more champagne. Bree can't make it: She has to carbo-load for her date. Lynette wishes she could, but they haven't found a nanny and Tom's working, so... Renee cuts her off with "Yawn." Susan? She would, but it's macaroni and coupon-clipping night at her house. (Have any of the writers on this show ever met an actual poor person?) Renee: "Yawn and sad." So it's just Gaby and Renee. Or, as Renee calls them, "Gabs and 'Nee." Lynette says that's great, since they have so much in common! Gaby looks pained.
Lynette sends away a prospective nanny and tells Tom she's having no luck with her nanny hunt. They're all either inexperienced or too expensive. Tom wonders about the one with the boobs, but Lynette's certainly not interested in having that girl around, duh. Tom tells Lynette not to give up, since he found them one more applicant. As a car door closes outside, Tom reminds Lynette she used to hate yams, then realized they were okay, then realized she liked them and they're great. Lynette asks what he did and looks outside. She turns and asks if he's insane, then someone knocks at the door. When he answers, it's his mom, played by Lois Smith (True Bloods Gran).
Later, Gabs and Nee are bonding over multiple bottles of champagne. Renee says that she's not sure if this Tina woman is the first person Doug cheated on her with, because the tabloids always told stories, but she'd forget it when he bought her fancy jewelry. Gaby says she's well rid of him, prompting Renee to say, "You know, I feel like you get me, Gaby. You know why? Because we're both extremely beautiful." Gaby, totally sincere, thanks her for having the courage to say that. Renee says only people who look like them can realize what a burden it is, but Gaby says it's actually pretty awesome. Renee agrees: Sometimes she drives fast just to talk her way out of a ticket. Gaby bent over at the bank and got a point shaved off their mortgage; Carlos calls it Gaby's million-dollar ass. Renee says her boobs earned her $8 million the day: She wore a low-cut dress to her hearing and then slept with Doug's lawyer. Renee realizes she shouldn't have told Gaby that because she doesn't know if she can trust her, so she asks her for some dirt. Gaby can't think of anything, but Renee would recognize her plastic surgeried nose anywhere. Gaby protests a bit, then admits it (but, in actuality, Eva Longoria Parker is just that beautiful, right?). She begs Renee not to tell any of the girls (Carlos knows). Renee: "Of course you can trust me. I'm beautiful." Gaby: "It's true." They toast to that, which is hilarious.
At the Scavo home the morning, Tom gets up and greets his mom and his wife. His mother, Allison, is cooking him breakfast, but Lynette is still not speaking to him. Tom lifts his coffee cup and taps the side of it. Allison rushes to get him coffee. When he hears she made him scrambled eggs, he says he was really hoping for French toast. She says she'll make that right away, then calls him "Rodney." When Tom questions it, she can't believe she said that, but says he looks so much like his father. Paige cries upstairs, and Allison asks her to let her get her; it's what she's here for. Tom asks Lynette what the problem is with his mother being here, since she says she loves her. Lynette says the problem is actually Tom, who acts like a Neanderthal when his mom's around as she's tripping on her apron strings to serve him. Allison comes back and Tom holds up his coffee cup and taps it again. Allison sing-songs, "More coffee. Right away." Lynette whispers to him that if he ever holds his coffee cup up to her, he'll be tapping it with a stump.
Mike's at the bank when Lee runs into him, and tells him that Paul Young would really like to buy their house, and is willing to make a very generous offer. Mike tells Lee that he never kicked his ass for renting their house to that guy because Lee didn't know the history. But now he does, so Mike wonders: Is Lee an idiot? (How can Mike still wonder that after all this time; of course he's an idiot.) Mike says he and Susan are working hard, and will move back the day Paul's lease is up. Lee calls Paul and tells him. Paul asks if he told him he's willing to pay above market value. Lee says he would have but didn't want to get punched. Paul says that Lee disappoints him, but he has another way to handle this. Mike deposits a check at the bank and gets his new balance. He thinks there should be a lot more money in there than there is.
Susan's crying into her jewelry box as she calls someone to find out the value of some silver bracelet that belonged to her grandmother. Lynette shows up then to return a necklace she borrowed from Susan (which Susan will probably have to sell). Susan's teary, which Lynette notices. When she goes to find Susan a tissue, Mike comes home and immediately yells at Susan about the missing $9,000 from their checking account. As he grills her on what happened to the money, Lynette comes out and says Susan let her borrow it to help cover some bills left from Paige's birth. Susan says Lynette's paying it back by Friday. Mike goes back to work, and Lynette wonders if Susan has anything to tell her. Susan does, of course, but asks Lynette to promise she won't yell. Cut to Lynette yelling, "You did porn on the internet!" Susan tries to say she was just cleaning, with no nudity or sex. Lynette says that unless they were watching for cleaning tips, it was porn. She asks what if Mike or Susan's kids find out, and Susan gets indignant about Lynette's five-bedroom house on Wisteria, and how they can't even afford hot lunches for M.J. at school. Lynette says she's done judging, and back to being a friend. She's sorry Susan had to do that. Susan cries, "Me, too." Wait. Isn't this the person who was loving it so much she was making up (and fighting over) her own moves just a couple weeks ago?
Nighttime. There's a knock at Renee's door. It's her husband, Doug, who tells her he had to see her. She says she'd invite him in, but "it's late, and I hate you." She lets him come in, where he tells her he misses her and Tina's a stupid mistake and that's over. He knows he screwed up and wants another chance. She says she's actually happy here, and is making new friends. He's skeptical that she's happy here; she was made for Manhattan. He says Cartier missed her, too, and shows her a fancy sapphire ring. She asks him not to do this, but he says he wants everything they had back; doesn't she?
On the way home from a play, Bree discusses the symbolism of an angel flying down, but Hot Handyman doesn't know; he was too busy looking for the wires. Bree seductively asks if he's in the mood for dessert. He totally is, so she heads to the kitchen and pulls out berries and whip cream as she discusses what the angel symbolized. She turns and sees him naked in the kitchen doorway. He says that when she said dessert, he just assumed. Then they're finishing having sex on a table. Then on the stairs. And then he's ready to go again. Bree starts to look panicked. Then he comes up behind her showering and opens the door. She asks him to please say he's there to stab her. But then lets him come on in. The day, the girls are over and she is too tired and sore to have even cut up the vegetables. Plus, she can't be anywhere near the giant cucumber. Lynette asks if she was once, twice, three times not a lady the night before. Gaby asks why she doesn't just tell Hot Handyman she's had enough. Bree says he's young. "If I turn down a roll in the hay, he's going to think I'm an old woman." Lynette points out the obvious: She just said "roll in the hay," so that ship's sailed.
A knock at the door is Renee, who looks all happy and tells them Doug showed up last night with a ring and she's rethinking the divorce. Bree and Lynette look a little shocked, but do agree they had ten years of marriage. Gaby, on the other hand, thinks it's ridiculous to take him back after he cheated and dumped her. She tells Renee to open her eyes, so Renee tells her to keep her fake nose out of it. Gaby looks at Lynette and Bree, who wonder if Gaby had a nose job. Gaby tries to deflect attention, but they're like, "After all the years of bragging about your natural beauty." Gaby lies that she never brags, so they give her specific examples: She once called her face proof of God's existence, and she called Bree a fraud for wearing a padded swimsuit. Lynette and Bree think this changes everything. Gaby tells Renee she'll regret this, and leaves. They tell her not to get her nose out of joint with giggles as she storms out. Then Bree and Lynette high-five. I would say they're not being very good friends, but she's the one who didn't tell them this, since she had it done at age 19.
Mary Alice shocks us by speaking up in the middle of the episode to fill us in on Bree's "problem" with her boyfriend's exhausting sexual appetite. Then Bree comes up with a plan: Overwhelm Hot Handyman with pressing construction needs around the house. He thinks he can finish by Friday, but she says she needs it all done by tonight. She walks away satisfied with herself.
At the Scavo home, Tom's heading out for the day with "his favorite cookies" from his mom. But they're not his favorite (macaroons); they're his dad's favorite (oatmeal raisin). Lynette makes fun, but also admits Allison's been great with the baby. She says he was right and she was wrong. Tom says that if those were macaroons, this would be the best day of his life. Lynette joins the family for a meal in the kitchen, where Allison tells Lynette she doesn't understand her going back to work. Lynette says that's okay, and does a much better job ignoring it than I would be able to. Then one of twins taps on his milk glass, and his grandma hustles to get him some milk. Lynette asks what he's doing, and he's all, "I was out of milk." Then the other boys do the same with their soda glasses, so Grandma asks Penny to get soda for the boys, while she finishes the meal. Penny asks why, and Allison says it's important to "take care of our men." Lynette tells Penny to stay seated; if the boys want a drink, they can get up and get it. Allison tells Lynette about the boys' long day, with classes and after-school sports. Lynette tells Allison that women don't wait on men in this house, so Allison calls Lynette a modern woman who just plops out a baby and can't wait to get back to work. She goes on that she took care of her husband and boys. Lynette asks how that worked out, since her husband had an affair and left. Allison looks devastated, and Lynette's face quickly changes from self-satisfaction to regret. As Allison leaves the room, Lynette musters a "Dammit."
Bree's reading in bed when Hot Handyman comes in to tell her he's finally finished all of her work and needs to go home and slip into a coma. She tells him that he should just sleep here, as long as he is, in fact, totally exhausted. He says he is, then hops into bed and immediately starts trying to sex her up. She jumps out of bed, and just admits it: She's old and can't keep up. He thinks it's ridiculous, because he can't keep up with a woman who talks to waiters in French and discusses the symbolism of plays. He says he's not as smart as her, so he's sexing her up to keep her interested. She says she is interested, and loves that he notices the wires while she's prattling on. She says he's fun and down-to-earth -- everything she's not. He hadn't thought of her actually liking him how he is, but she says she does, very much. "Now put that thing away and let's get some rest."
Tom comes home to find a cute girl holding Paige. She says she's Jenny, the new nanny. Lynette comes down and whispers to Tom that Jenny's the one with the boobs, remember? He does, so she says "You're welcome." He asks to talk to her upstairs and says he'll be right up. She waits for him in the bedroom, when he comes in and says he fired Jenny (um, then where is Paige?). She says he had no right, but he says she had no right to make his mother feel unwelcome. Lynette says she loves his mother, and would be so on board with her parenting techniques if this were 1955. She says she will not let Allison raise their children to turn out like... When she stops herself short of saying it, Tom asks her to finish that sentence, and she admits that when they met, he thought women's two roles were making a cake or jumping out of one. She says she just doesn't want Allison here. Tom says Lynette's made the decisions their entire marriage, but he's making this one: His mom stays.
To remind us that Susan still has a day job at M.J.'s school, we get to see her dismiss her class before taking a phone call from Maxine, who offers her her job back. Susan asks why, and Maxine says a guy keeps calling for a private session with her and he's starting to offer some serious money.
Emma thanks Gaby and Carlos for coming to her cabaret show, and Gaby's all "Yeah, yeah. Are you going to sing any songs about a woman who's a backstabbing bitch?" Carlos tells Emma they're really looking forward to it, then, when Emma leaves, asks Gaby to get over it and go sit with their friends. But Gaby's sick of the Cyrano de Bergerac (whose name she mispronounces and then she calls him a "she") jokes. Carlos says they're just teasing her, but Gaby says it's not funny: Her thing was her natural beauty. Like Susan's an artist, Lynette's a great businesswoman, and Bree's a perfect homemaker. Gaby was the beautiful one, and now she's the plastic one. Renee and Doug come in, and Gaby says there's the woman to blame. She's like to smack the smile off her face. "Which, by the way, has been pulled so tight, it would probably smack me back." And, in Vanessa Williams's case, I think that is reality.
Doug and Renee make complimentary small talk about which one of them it is that everyone's staring at. Then Mrs. McCluskey and Lee find Gaby at the bar and Mrs. McC makes a nose joke. Gaby, with olives lined up so we know she's had more than a handful of martinis, tells them it's all crap. Lee tells her not to lie; that'll make it long again. They giggle and leave. The bartender tries to send a free bottle of champagne over to Doug Perry, so Gaby offers to deliver it. She staggers to their table, and tells him it's on the house and, oh, by the way, Renee slept with his lawyer. She staggers off, and Doug asks if that's true. She tries to explain, but he leaves. Just then, the emcee introduces Emma Graham, and Gaby "whoo"s loudly enough for Renee to notice, and take off into the kitchen with Gaby. This is the other view of where the episode began, as they scream at and insult each other in the kitchen. Gaby says her nose and Renee's marriage are both fake. Renee calls Gaby a boring housewife, and Gaby asks what you call a girl who sleeps with a guy for $8 million. This is the moment they start fighting and tumble out into the bar in their fight. Lee's thrown aside, Gaby's punched in the nose, etc.
The day, Renee gets a call from Doug, asking to take her back, since they both slept with someone. He says that's what they both want, but she doesn't look so sure. Then, at Lynette's, she serves Allison a cup of coffee and apologizes for what she said about her husband. Allison appreciates that is sorry if she crossed some sort of line. She says it just felt so nice to feel useful again. Lynette says she is useful, and she really needs her when she goes back to work. Allison says the kitchen is her favorite room, where you get to cook and make your family happy. She just doesn't understand why Lynette would give that up to go to work. Lynette cries and says it's just who she is. Penny comes in and tells Lynette Paige is crying, so Lynette goes to feed her. She kisses Allison on the cheek on her way by. Allison asks Penny what her name is again, and Penny laughs that she's Penny. Allison asks if she lives there, and Penny looks concerned.
Gaby and Renee run into each other on the street. Gaby's not used to apologizing, so she hands Renee some chocolates. Renee hasn't touched a carb since 1985, but she thanks Gaby anyway. She was also on her way to apologize, and she gives Gaby some flowers. Gaby, whose nose is bandaged, says she had no right to screw with Renee's marriage, even if she feels she deserves better than that guy. Renee says Doug called this morning to say he still wants her back, but Renee said no. She says that when he told her they could pretend it never happened, she thought of all the things she'd pretended hadn't happened over the years. She thanks Gaby for opening her eyes and for being the only woman with the guts to tell her the truth. She says she's a real friend, and she'll take that over a sapphire ring any day. They hug, and then Gaby's like, "You're keeping the ring, right?" Renee: "Oh, hell yeah." They really are a match made in heaven.
Susan drinks wine in a robe, working up the nerve to turn the webcam back on. She takes her robe off to reveal a red teddy, and then fires it up to find an empty room. She asks if anyone's there, and someone shows just his arm. Susan sweetly talks him out of being shy and then asks what his name is. Paul Young sits down in front of the camera and says he thinks she knows his name. She slams the computer down with a scream, but doesn't shut it. Paul tells her he's still there. She puts her robe back on, then opens the computer back up. He's glad she put her robe back on, since he hates to see her debasing herself. She asks what he wants, and he says her house. She says Mike already told her about this, and it's not for sale. Paul points out all the things that are for sale: her body, her honor, her reputation. The house seems smaller than those things. She asks if he's threatening her, and he says it would be terribly unfortunate if someone were to find out what he knows. He says he was shocked and can only imagine what her husband and son would think. She calls him a sonofabitch, so he tells her to take a few days and think about it. He'd hate to make her feel pressured.
MAVO picks up that Paul knows what he's doing is wrong, and dangerous, and risky for people to find out. "But Paul Young wanted to punish those who had betrayed him. So he had a plan that would set neighbor against neighbor, and friend against friend. And it was a plan that was going to succeed." He stands on his lawn surveying the lane.
week: You'll have a new recapper just in time for Halloween. Gaby dresses her girls up as dogs, and Grace is a princess, giving her an opportunity to call her daughter a dog. Nice one, show. Susan tells Mike she got fired (presumably from the school?). Lee and Renee wear the same Marilyn Monroe costume. Bree asks Hot Handyman if there's anything else he's been hiding. Susan tries to beat Paul with what seems to be her Flintstones club. Allison smacks Lynette. And Susan tells Mike that Paul's blackmailing her. So, no more secrets? Riiiiight.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see last season's most outlandish moments.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, will continue to watch, but thinks you all deserve a fresher set of eyes and typing fingers. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.