Appropriately enough, Mary Alice's voiceover this week is about humiliation. Who's getting humiliated? Everybody. Everybody on the show, but also you and me.
From the top, we got Gabby trying to shove Bob in the gay box so they can plan weddings together and watch movies about Kim Cattrall's vagina together and put on makeup together and all that stuff gay guys like. But then it turns out that he is a human being, not a horrible stereotype, which pisses Gabby off, because she has no idea what it's like to be treated like an object. But then Carlos decides he wants to be Bob's friend, so they act like normal human beings together for a few days and then Lee convinces Gabby that Bob and Carlos are going to do it, gaywise. Given that Bob and Carlos are the two hottest guys on the show, it's a compelling thought.
After she's insulted everyone involved way past the point of ever retaining their friendship, Gabby makes "amends" by matchmaking the two gay guys she knows, so now Lee and Bob are back together like a Birkin bag and a matching pair of Jimmy fuckin' Choos. Whatever it takes to make the straight girl happy, that's what gay guys are willing to do. Also, in this madhouse of a cartoon universe, more than happy to explain the ins and outs and ups and downs and tops and bottoms and versatiles of their own personal sexual preferences to anybody they know, because this show is gross.
most offensive is Bree's obnoxious plot, wherein she gets a hot flash and realizes she's going through menopause, and that because the only thing worse than a woman is an old woman, she must keep this secret from Brian Austin Green at all costs. She goes to a OB-GYN who specializing in lying old bitches, but then the doctor turns out to be Keith's mother, who is also going through The Change. Mom gets drunk and harasses Bree until she admits about her shameful womanly secret. BAG is not bothered by her advanced age, but is turned off when she says she's not even interested in adopting. "My first kid was a homicidal homosexual and my other one is epic trash. I'm done."
Keith is like, "Andrew's gay? Have you introduced him to other gay people you know? With which sexual roles is he most comfortable? Do you know if he shaves his privates?" You know, all the stuff you're dying to know about the gay folks of your acquaintance. Keith is taken aback by the idea that she doesn't want kids, but recovers quickly into a sort of insanely desperate wigout about how it's too early to be talking about kids right now anyway, so they should continue in their futile relationship until A) he finds a working uterus or B) Bree finally dies of being an old bag of bones.
Renee and Lynette decide to start an interior design business, but since Renee doesn't allow children into her home, they hire pathetic Susan to be Paige's nanny. Of course, Susan assumes they want her to be a part of their pretend business, so she's really offended but forced to go along with the nanny plan. Lynette is clueless about it, Renee is openly mean about it, and eventually Susan shows some actual dignity by explaining why this situation is a terrible idea. Then they decide to keep going with the terrible idea, but just to be drunk with it. Also, Tom is diagnosed as a two-beer queer.
On the Beth/Paul front, things get great. He moves his old cellmate into the old Young house, for nefarious purpose, and when Paul won't explain his evil scheme, Beth goes and asks the cellmate to bust up her chiffarobe. Soon enough, she's blackmailed him into explaining whatever the plan is. Then she has a lot of creepy/awesome sex with Paul Young, who is excited that she's into vengeance and doing terrible things to the women of Wisteria Lane. His needs are pretty simple. He just wants a woman that wears crazy costumes all the time (check), is clearly nuttier than he is (check), and will help him murder everybody (check). The only downside: She's Felicia's daughter, and the whole thing is a setup from inside jail on account of how Paul killed Felicia's sister and broke her neck and caused her to cut off her own fingers or whatever happened with all that. I hope Paul and Beth have a baby before all is said and done, because man, do they come from some stable families.
week: Carlos turns gay anyway, Gabrielle saves Grace's family from being deported back to East LA, Bree's face twanging back into position blinds Keith in one eye, Bob and Lee disappear from this disgusting neighborhood and are never heard from again, Beth and Paul experiment with breath play, and Susan accidentally sells Lynette's baby for some magic beans.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see last season's most outlandish moments.
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Humiliation. It's not something I'm really into, which makes talking about this episode difficult. But unfortunately, sometimes you do for money what you would not do for love, like watch this show. This show where Bree is dressed like Boof from Teen Wolf, rollerblading and having a hot flash because menopause is the death all women fear. Even Samantha lost something when she got the menopause, and then the thing you know she had to have chemotherapy. So, you know, it's a slippery slope.
Five-foot, 11-inch Brian Austin Green was born the 15th of July, in 1973. Making him, roughly, old. Marcia Cross, on the other hand, was a vibrant 48 on her last birthday, March 25. I won't say that she hasn't had some work done, because she has had too much work done, but when you're on a cast with Teri Hatcher, it's like standing in the tracks of a brontosaurus on the bottom of a now-dry river. Your sense of scope is all off and fucked. It's how they made the Hobbits look like Hobbits. Just over eleven years' age difference.
So this hot flash is of such power that it knocks her ass sideways and she falls down on her rollerblades (rollerblades) and into the bushes like she's Susan Delfino, and he's like, "Is this because we're having dinner with my parents?" And she's like, "No, it's just really hot!" And even though his mother is going through the Change, and at 48 Bree should probably know what is going on, too, this episode is so fucking stupid in every way that they both think maybe she's dying. Then she pitches sideways again on the pavement, and because she's so old and decrepit and worthless, her hot young boyfriend, who is less than 12 years younger than her and looking every bit his 37 years of age, that guy? He hits the fucking bricks, assuming she is dead.
The paramedic lady stares at them for awhile, trying to figure out if they're retarded or lying or what is going on, and finally points out that clearly Bree is entering menopause, which is something that happens to everyone and thus doesn't actually mean anything about you or say anything about Bree's character heretofore, but because she's already been married twice and done both the widow story and the wheelchair story, for her new man she needs somebody young that she doesn't actually respect. And since a woman can't want sex -- especially a woman over a certain age -- without being made fun of, this story is suddenly about Bree's vanity. Not the stretched monster mask that was once her beautiful face, no: The screeching impossibility that either of them have ever heard of menopause or what it means.
But Bree knows it's something bad, so when the paramedic -- presuming them to both be adults -- almost tells her disgusting secret, she backhands the woman and then yells at Keith for buying her a hotdog or whatever. This whole shitty episode is just mad libs. It could be a hotdog or a falafel or anything. Just as long as it's the kind of thing you would totally wolf down before rollerblading around at top speed. Yum. Big old yummy hotdog -- extra chili on mine! -- before we really get our hearts going on these rollerblades. Which: Don't be embarrassed that you're having hot flashes. Be embarrassed about everything else in this scenario, but not that.
"Oh, this is just my rootin-tootin' 37-year-old boyfriend, a day laborer. I certainly hope I can keep up with him, considering I've clearly been on amphetamines since the 1970's and have the abs of a 42-year-old woman." I mean, not that these people aren't cartoons, but even the characters are just mad-libs of fake clichéd people this week.
She's not "Bree," she's every vain perimenopausal woman you've ever seen on a shitty sitcom. She's not "Gabrielle," she's every obnoxious woman who thinks she understands gay men from watching Sex & The City. She's not "Susan," she is a chipmunk on a bicycle, with a very expensive hat. "Humiliation. It's something we all try to avoid. Especially women who date younger men!"
In other words, Mary Alice, if I may, "Humiliation: It's something most women, and several gay men, probably deserve... But especially cougars! The universal punchline!"
Oh, you bet your ass there's more: "It was morning in suburbia. A time for women to attend to their husbands' needs. And while Tom Scavo's wife was setting out the sports section, and Carlos Solis' wife was removing lint from his suit, and Roy Bender's wife was cleaning his dentures, Paul Young's wife was resting, because she had already attended to her husband's needs... All night long."
It was at this moment that I thought to myself, well. This episode was clearly written by a gay man in his fifties, because only that particular Baby Boomer mix of mother complexes and lazy humor results in this kind of writing. Suburbia: Where women prepare the sports section and lint-brush their men's suits and clean their dentures. Or whatever mad-lib activity of your choosing. Maybe somebody will burn a brisket or make some dry meatloaf (Spoiler alert: Both of those things happen, in adjoining scenes) and then act all nutty when somebody mentions it.
It's a tough balance, because on the one hand you've got a murder-comedy about women, it's right there in the title, but if you don't treat those women like people -- which this episode doesn't -- then what you've created is a particularly cruel joke about women. Which this episode is.
But you're saying, "Jacob, I am a woman in my late forties, and going through menopause is a very weird time and makes you question all kinds of things about your womanhood, and so I identify." Sure. But that's not what's going on here: This is about a cardboard lady having cardboard thoughts that are so pandering and familiar that they appear to be part of your narrative, because that's the narrative we've been sold by these selfsame gay Boomer writers since the '80s. But there's nothing sympathetic about it, which is the risk that you run. It took Ugly Betty two years to come back from this shit. It's the reason I stopped watching this show in the first place.
The fact that Lynette is useless and Susan is sympathetic for once is a clue. Renee still isn't deeper than her diva attitude, and Beth is just a prop. Which means it's up to Gabrielle, as usual, to act like a normal person. About that, we will see.
Anyway, Beth's now so deep undercover in Operation Fingers that she's actually gotten talked into sleeping with Paul Young by her accomplice. And he delighted in it. And then she says these things: "So I didn't disappoint you? I'm so glad. My whole life, I heard people talk about sex. They always made such a big deal about it. And don't get me wrong, it was very interesting. But lying here quietly... This is my favorite part. So would you like to do it again? I hear that men like sex in the morning."
You know, things normal women say. If you've never actually met a woman or slept with a woman or have the vaguest sense of what people are actually like, maybe this is something they would say. Of course, she's faking, so it's not technically a problem, but in context it's just bizarre. Anyway, Paul's about to get some more whoopee -- that's what they called it back then on the TV -- but then his old cellmate shows up. A hulking black man. Black people on Wisteria Lane, they are in for it, generally.
Renee shows up at Lynette's house -- Lynette, the successful businesswoman many times over, the one who raised about 50 kids without a babysitter and now has one single infant to deal with -- to start an interior design firm. Because if it's not a catering company, it's interior design. Every time. Those are literally the only companies a woman can start, regardless of their experience otherwise. There's a lot of fairly funny banter about the baby -- "Oh my God, are you doing what I think you're doing?" asks Renee, and Lynette's like, "If you think I'm trying to stuff my boob in my daughter's mouth? Then yes" -- but just imagine all of Renee's dialogue coming out of a gay man's mouth, because that's basically what's happening.
So Renee will "woo the clients, be the face of the company," and Lynette will do all the "businessy stuff." Who will actually design the interiors? That will be sort of a joint effort, considering neither of them have ever done anything like that. Lynette goes into a hazy Nine To Five place about bringing her baby to work, and Renee balks. "Well, that won't work. Everything at my place is metal and sharp." Reminded that it is not, she pushes the joke too far: "Then I'll have metal and sharp things brought in. No babies in my house."
And they can't work at Lynette's house, either, because it looks like a "tipped-over hamper," which I have to admit is a nice turn of phrase. So they talk about how she's been trying to get a nanny for this one baby, but that so far it just means putting Momma in a home, and Renee's like, "Do we know anybody sucky that will do anything for money? Literally anything at all? Because she has no survival instinct or marketable skills, such as being a famous and successful illustrator for years before ever meeting her husband?"
Cut to Susan, who has fulfilled her potential of being unable to provide even basic sustenance for her child, just as we suspected. She is literally counting out pennies at the grocery store and fighting with that awful child of hers about generic cereals and then she has to put things back and they're dumb Susan things like fabric softener, and the whole thing is, yes, very humiliating. But also not something that needs to happen in your life, after a certain point. At some point, you just do the fucking math. Not Susan, though! She says the word crap and her awful child tells her to put a nickel in the swear jar and she screams about how it used to be a quarter, but they've even had to mark down their swears!
The lady asks her to donate a buck to poor people and -- in what I can only imagine seemed like a very relatable sentiment, considering how terribly this episode seems to think of every single one of us -- she screams, "So don't talk to me about the poor, because I am the poor! Where's my little jar at the checkout stand? There is none!" And I can see again, you're saying, "But Jacob, in my worst moments as a human being I've thought to myself, where is the charity jar for me?" but honestly, is that really true? Because probably that means you're an asshole, too.
"You burnt the meatloaf again?" is literally a line somebody said on television in 2010. "And what's with the candles and the good china, is it our anniversary?" is another one. Perhaps you remember these hilarious jokes from every other TV show you've ever seen. Turns out Gabrielle is having dinner on china by candlelight to thank the gay one for helping them find her misplaced baby. And at this classy dinner, she'll be serving meatloaf.
Carlos doesn't want to have dinner with the gay one, because he makes Carlos nervous and because he doesn't talk about sports or jugs or pulling fingers. Turns out Carlos asked somebody to pull his finger one time, and it was at Gabby's cousin's funeral. Doesn't that sound realistic? "I am unfit to socialize with your classy gay boyfriend. I should be forced to eat by myself... In front of the game!" Nope, not getting out of it that easily.
He has to sit there and have dinner with their family friend and attorney, a man he knows very well, no matter how much it offends his masculinity. And they have to eat burnt meatloaf, because Gabrielle is a bad wife. And sadly, she doesn't even have magical nodding witch powers like when this scenario was invented back at the beginning of TV, so punching her husband a thousand times for no reason, just like the fiery Latina she has never really been, is her only recourse.
When I tried to explain this episode to people today, and how I wasn't sure if I could even begin to recap it without just foaming at the goddamn mouth, you know what every single one of them said? "Um, that's why I stopped watching that show." And I had to say, "Yeah. Me too." Humiliation: It's not just for desperate housewives and lonely, prying ghosts anymore.
"I hope the pot roast isn't too dry," Beth says to the cellmate Derek, and over at McCluskey's house she's like, "I hope this brisket isn't too dry" and Lynette's like, "I hope these burgers aren't too overdone" and Renee's like, "I only eat celery and an ounce of cheese because I'm lonely" and over at Gabby's house the meatloaf is just untenable and over at Bree's house she's like, "Aren't oysters an aphrodisiac?" and at Susan's house she's like, "No, you mix the Kool-Aid into the Raman noodles, and that's dessert. I've got this under control. If you're really hungry we can eat the spices out of jars, they have a lot of vitamins."
Derek likes the pot roast, so score one for wives. "He's an ex-con," Paul explains, "He's just happy there's no ground glass in it." Beth pushes to find out further about the nature of their jailhouse relationship, but the two men are somewhat close-lipped on the subject. Before Paul finally tells her he's moving Derek into the old Young house they're not living in so that he can do more of his mysterious revenges -- and that she's not allowed to know about it, due to how wives can totally be forced to incriminate their husbands -- they have this retarded conversation:
Beth goes, "If I may ask, Yeager, what were you... I believe the phrase is in for?" This makes a lot more sense -- Beth period makes a lot more sense -- if you're aware that she came here in a time machine from a long time ago and is actually not from America at all. (This also makes her clothes make more sense.) So then Derek's awesome answer is complicated by more of her unbelievably dorky fake bullshit. "You know sometimes when people steal stuff they give it to another guy? Who sells it for them?" Beth does; she thinks that's called a "fence." Because that's what it's called and everybody knows that. The punchline, though, is pretty excellent: "Right. I killed a fence." And her response, "Oh! Well. How about that?" is good, too. But so much painful stupid to get through.
Gabrielle shows Bob about a million pictures of annoying Grace and thanks him so much for complicating her life and causing Juanita to go nuts even more than she already was, and then the bullshit starts. She hands him two tickets to? Cats. That's right. A Broadway show that was a cliché when Kate & Allie was on the air. I can't figure out if this episode is specifically intended to make Gabrielle look like an asshole, or if it's just an offensive free-for-all -- because the gays don't really come out on top, either -- but either way, it's ridiculous. This woman grew up, literally, among the best and brightest of the gays. They are her people. And yet suddenly she's acting like this ignorant asshole who grew up in Fairview and married her high school sweetheart in Fairview and will die in Fairview. Which is nothing like the truth. And if the former, there are a million other ways to insult that woman that don't contradict everything else about this show. Fuckin' Cats?
Ah, she had it twisted. Apparently the gay one's husband, Lee, was the, ahem, "show queen," which is a real term that gay men use in 2010, and furthermore Bob says, "When I found out he saw Annie six times, even I wanted to gay bash him." Which: No. The only circumstances in which you would say that are if you are trying so desperately to be accepted by homophobes, which is not what is happening here, and either way you'll regret it later. And second of all, doesn't that kind of make Bob's whole character a self-hating lie, too? Because it makes the whole basketball-beer-golf thing about him seem like he's trying too hard all of a sudden. I'm thinking about this too hard. It's just too stupid to be real.
Other things Gabrielle thinks Bob might like: "Opera? Figure skating? Beauty pageants? Barbra?" It is at this point that Bob stands up, thanks them both for dinner, and apologizes because he can't stay. It is at this point that Bob says, "No, but I'd sure like a turn with your wife, Carlos!" It is at this point that Bob says, "No, but I'd love some tamales, and for you to pierce my infant daughter's ears." It is at this point that Bob says, "Look bitch, gay men aren't toys, or zoo animals, or tiny dogs you keep in your purse."
Just kidding, he doesn't say any of those things because Gabrielle has the balls to get pissed at him for not being gay enough. "Ever think the reason Lee broke up with you is you're not gay?" And when he and Carlos start talking about basketball she goes, "Hey, hey, hey! You kiss boys with that mouth?" And when Bob and Carlos decide to get the fuck on up out of there so she can play out this macabre façade all by herself, she goes, "I thought I knew you! Now all of a sudden you're talking beer and basketball? It's like you're not even a..." Mad-lib: "A tired gay stereotype?" Not that she understands that he is not-so-subtly pointing out how fucking rude she's being, or anything: "Exactly. It's very upsetting! I can't even look at you right now."
Which, maybe you think that's funny, who am I to say what is funny for every single person, but Jesus. Who is being served there? Are you supposed to think to yourself, "God, I'm glad I'm such a more enlightened fag hag than Gabrielle. I would never treat my gay boyfriend like that." No. Because he's not your boyfriend, and he's not a fag, and you should respect each other more than that.
Or are you supposed to think, "Man, straight women do that to me all the time! You just have to laugh, I guess. Women are stupid." No. Because women aren't stupid, and the gay man/straight woman alliance is not about becoming less, it's about becoming more. Gay men and straight women are the only people on earth who upset the balance of masculine power -- just by existing -- enough that entire codes of conduct have to be created to shut them up and make them weak, and infantilize them, and turn them into shallow Paris Hilton wannabes so their voices don't matter and their subjective sexuality doesn't frighten the horses. And this generation you're looking at -- the one that is telling this story -- is all about validating those powerless roles for each other. We're all show queens and we're all Gabrielle, and that's exactly where they want us. But really, the world is a lot better than that, and most of us have figured that out. Not this show, though.
Gabby's pissed because Bree's filthy menopause might get on her and make her look old. Renee is pissed because she's a one-dimensional catty bitch that should not be allowed in any of their homes, and because Bree won't listen to her advice about how cougars should pretend that menopause is a lie and is not happening, and that we should always lie to men about everything, so that we can keep a man, because being married is the only thing that matters, and because without the magic of a penis nearby you're just, well, Susan Delfino. Bree's pissed because menopause means she's not a woman anymore, because she can't incubate the sperms of a 37-year-old former castmember of a teen soap. McCluskey is pissed because every single one of them is insulting her to her fucking face.
Renee calls Susan and manages to make it sound like she is inviting her to join their firm, when really she is inviting Susan to be Lynette's nanny. It's a cold day in hell when a miscommunication is the root of Susan's problems, but that's today: This one is legitimately not her fault. You know, considering her art background and the fact that Lynette was a pizza mogul, and that Renee's whole resume is being a ho, it makes sense they'd want at least one person. But then the circumstances of her running right over and accepting the job are such that she can't really back out once they've explained the revolting truth.
"I guess I'll take this job that's beneath me," she stutters. "Motherhood and rearing children are so fucking demeaning. If only I still had my job where I was vacuuming with my funbags out. That's just so much more in line with my station."
Bree goes to see her OB-GYN, but since she's on maternity leave -- "There's some salt in the wound," says the barren withered old donkey that is Bree -- she's got Dr. Warner. Played by Nancy Travis, from So I Married An Axe Murderer and other movies that wouldn't also serve as the title of this show. (Birthday 21 September 1961, making Nancy Travis nearly twelve when Brian Austin Green was born.) Dr. Warner is also going through the Change and, though she is married to a paternalistic Army man played by Bo Duke, is excited to hear about the tadpole of a strange woman she's never met and that they are fucking so often she has to drug him to leave her alone. "Check you out!" wangles Dr. Eyebrows at Bree, and then gives her an exam and they discuss lots of fun ways to lie to younger men and to yourself about how old your vagina is getting.
The other gay one has been doing crystal methamphetamine since last week, so you can't really understand what he's talking about, but he needs to spy on Bob's house from Gabby's house because Bob is having an affair with a hunky Latino. He heard this from one member of their sad gay-ghetto group of friends who heard it from another member of their sad gay-ghetto group of friends and so forth, because that is all gay men do: Gossip about each other and occasionally go into the straight universe for visits to antique dealers and the farmer's market. Gabrielle laughs and explains that no, Bob is just dating her husband, and is thus the luckiest man alive.
But the joke is on her! Because Bob is one of those awful gay men you hear about who gets straight men drunk and then molests them, "flipping" them into being gay just through sexual assault, and that probably this will happen to Carlos, because Bob is the master of turning men homosexual through raping them. The whole time he's doing this gross hand-flipping motion that represents metaphorical flipping but also literal flipping, because -- maybe you don't understand this, because it's quite subtle -- sometimes Bob "flips" the men over onto their stomachs, the better to insert his penis into their rectums. It's a very quick process, but one that instantly turns you gay. So you better watch out!
Gabrielle thinks this is all fun and games, but then who should drive up but Carlos, with Bob's dick still in him. Lee acts all paranoid because he is on drugs -- gay men love their tina! -- and she tells him get out of there, using the backdoor. "I always do!" he whispers, and leaves. Because -- maybe you don't understand this, because it's quite subtle -- Lee prefers to insert his penis into the rectums of other men, while Bob prefers usually to receive the penises of other men in his own rectum, although occasionally he can himself be "flipped." It's not what turned him gay, but it helps.
And now you know everything there is to know about gay men and what they get up to. And even more hilariously, now you know what these particular fictional characters -- no matter how unlikely it seems, given their personalities to this point -- are apt to get up to with each other. Quite a strike for the revolution, this episode. Why, I feel more accepted and loved already! It really does get better!
Lynette's just finishing up the marketing plan and billing structure when Renee casually asks, "So Lynette, do you like it up the ass?" Just kidding, that would be totally inappropriate and needlessly objectifying. Instead, she stares blankly and disinterestedly at her until Susan comes downstairs hoping desperately to make it to the ball on time so her prince can finally get that shoe back on her nasty foot. Lynette tries to strike up a conversation with Susan, even though it's awkward because she is a servant in the Scavo home now, but Susan just keeps ducking her head and saying "yes mum, no mum" until finally Lynette literally goes, "Did you guys know that the state of Rhode Island can fit into Alaska 424 times? Read that once on a cup. Never forgot it."
Probably the best line in the whole episode. And the thing that fucks me up is, the old gay man who wrote this episode? Totally a favorite of mine. I mean, the bitter Boomer aesthetic always applies and it's always grating, but the jokes are fairly solid usually. It's just when you have an episode that includes making fun of menopause and spousal abuse and gaybashing and perpetuating a really damaging gay-recruiter stereotype? At that point, again: Who is actually being served? And also, just remembered this, but: Wasn't it her prancing around pretending to be the surrogate for their pretend gay baby that ended their marriage in the first place?
Anyway, Susan will not be having a glass of wine with these women, these women who have tricked her into servitude. She will be doing laundry, anything to keep busy, while they lounge around pretending to have a company, but she will not have a glass of wine. She is on the clock. Renee tells her to get some more iced tea, which is the proper response if you're going to be so in-my-face about it, but Lynette's like, "That's not her job!" Then Paige starts crying on the baby monitor and Lynette's like, "That's her job!" And since it's her job, Susan sullenly trudges back up the stairs and Lynette feels bad about it, because Susan's entire deal right now is making her feel bad about it. Which is why this idea is super-retarded in the first place, but that doesn't mean I don't love it, because I love it.
Beth's on the horn with her mysterious mother, whose identity has been obvious since the first episode of this season even for somebody who stopped watching this show right around that Xiao-Mei bullshit. Mom pushes her once again to do whatever terrible, sad thing to get to the bottom of Paul Young's situations, so she goes on over to the Young house and asks Derek to bust up her chiffarobe. He says he can't because he's on parole with two strikes, so then she busts up her own chiffarobe. The acting is good, I've always love/hated the actress that plays Beth, but on Wisteria Lane of all places I'm not sure accusing another black man of another sexual assault is really called for. I forgot to mention also in this scene Beth is dressed like a Piccadilly Circus-themed doll you might get from the Salvation Army.
What's going on with Carlos? Oh, nothing, he's just moisturizing his hands for an absurd amount of time while letting his wife know that he's going on a romantic weekend resort getaway with Bob the Flipper. "One week, we hate the gays. The week, we let 'em watch us shower. Kinda kooky, don't you think?" (This is the point at which I sort of gave in to this story, because what an amazing line. It's pretty much something Gabrielle would actually say.) Gabrielle puts forward her Lee-on-crystal theory that Bob's trip is less about golf than it is about seduction, and Carlos is awesome: "Really? That's great, because I was actually planning on turning gay this weekend."
...And then he leaves and promptly does just that, because how many people are you going to be insulting today? Is it Asshole Day in the Solis house? Carlos tries to point out that there is no such thing as a "flipper" and that whether or not he's going to be sleeping with any guys is pretty much up to him -- not Bob, certainly not Gabrielle -- but that accusing him of going off to sleep with Bob is actually two problems. Both of which just make her look pretty awful and are otherwise irrelevant. She makes a big fucking fuss and finally he agrees not to go. "I certainly wouldn't want to do anything that makes you think I'm gay," he says, so of course she spits out a line about the totally random unceasing moisturizer that was only in this scene so that she could say this line that only Eva Longoria could pull off.
At dinner, Dr. Wagner gets up Bree's ass about being an old beach-dry cougar, because of course she's Keith's mother, because of course she gave birth to him when she was nearly twelve years old. Reasons they will love her: Smart and beautiful and a terrific cook. Mostly the last two. He didn't mention the age diff because it won't matter to them because she's so hot with her melted plastic facelift that who could tell. Mom keeps trying to bother Bree for talking about fucking her child and lying to him and Bree keeps trying to talk to the Army dad, and the Army dad keeps saying literally "Don't listen to Mary! Don't listen to Mary!" and everybody's embarrassing.
So after a long long time, when Mary finally brings up the fact that Bree will never have children with Keith because her womb is a lonely garret now filled with coughing spiders and dustbunnies and shame, Bree screams bloody murder and explains that she is old and useless and barely a woman anymore, and Keith can just take his mean drunk mother and shove her, because Bree has three more fits to throw tonight in various places all across Fairview: Hips creaking, face squeaking, Boniva coursing through her veins and her glassy brittle bones. Uterus, clanking along like a tinker's old brass pans.
Renee and Lynette -- those two best friends that do everything together because they fucking hate each other -- are about to take a "client" out for a "meeting" about their "business" and Susan's big dumb head gets in there while she should be cleaning the toilets and she tells the lady that she should paint some characters from her kid's favorite movie on the wall, because nothing delights a child quite so much as dim, shadowy shapes of people in the middle of the night.
Also, I know Julie was grown up in some ways, but were the Knights of the Round Table really her favorite thing? I would think it would be one of those stories where the fairy godmothers come and take you away from your incompetent parent. "Oh, sorry, we made a mistake. This lady was supposed to get a head of lettuce. You have the potential to contribute to society, and thus weren't actually supposed to grow up anywhere near Wisteria Lane."
The lady loves it, so Renee shoves Susan through a screen door and tells her if she ever cockblocks her on a client again, she's getting knifed. Lynette apologizes, but only for Renee's behavior: The threat is still inherent. Susan's like, "I crossed the line, I get it," but in such a passive- aggressive way that it's absolutely confirmed that what was going on just then was her thinking this was her Good Will Hunting moment and they'd all three be like, "Oh my God, genius! Susan Delfino, could you redecorate my entire life?"
Susan's like the sad neighborhood kid that would stand out on your porch watching you eat dinner. Every week, but especially this season.
Also kind of acting that way is Gabrielle, who goes over to Bob's to borrow some (mad-lib) "eggs," and he slams his door in her face. Of course she has no idea why he's mad. Um, it's because you were totally insulting and then detonated my friendship with your husband for no reason? And now it's super-weird, and even if we got back together it wouldn't be the same, because he'd always be thinking about how I was about to grab his cock, and he'll always have to be vigilant and so we can never actually be friends again and you did that? For no reason really at all? Gabrielle's like, "Right. That."
Bob sort of explains the Flipper concept. What he should say is this: "Lee is also the Flipper, because all gay men are the Flipper, because the Flipper doesn't exist. When you have sex with a man, it's because you have chosen to do so: They are your Flipper, but they are not a Flipper, because in fact grownups are responsible for their own lives and decisions. Nobody has ever been surprised to suddenly be having sex with a man and wonder how it happened, because the most you can ever be is your own Flipper. And if they did, it's because they were being sexually assaulted, and it certainly didn't turn them gay. And if you honestly think I or anybody else believes otherwise, that's not only incredibly rude to me and to your husband, but also to yourself, because you're calling me, your friend, the rapist."
Instead, he just mumbles something about how Lee stalked Ryan Seacrest, which is either the most futile thing a man can do or the most banal, but either way involves no "flipping," because that deal goes one way or the other. Bob explains that he is terribly lonely since Lee left -- so lonely, in fact, that he was willing to put up with Gabrielle's hurtful ignorance and bad meatloaf, just so that he could have some friends. And that once he did have a new friend, she took that away from him, too. Gabby says he can take Carlos with him on the weekend, and if Bob's anything like me, he's thinking, "I totally wasn't going to sleep with Carlos until you started this shit, but now my feelings are hurt." Hilariously, they agree then that of all the Lane, Tom Scavo's like two or three beers away. Which, seriously! He's a heartfelt episode of Grey's Anatomy away at best. Just stomp on his foot and wait for him to cry. Send Andrew van de Kamp in there.
Susan isn't really feeling like congratulating Lynette on the success of their first meeting, and of course Lynette has to prod and poke and push and bother her before Susan admits that she's angry: "All I did was give you a job," Lynette says, and Susan's all, "Yeah, the wrong job!" She explains about the miscommunication and how fucking gross it felt to walk in there thinking she was needed for this venture only to find out they didn't consider her to have any necessary skills whatsoever, and doing something Lynette doesn't even have time for, to boot. "It's just this awful reminder that all of my friends look at my differently now: I'm the Poor One." Lynette tries to explain that nothing will change their relationship or the way they feel about her: She will always be the Dipshitty One.
Then, hug, and Lynette goes, "I've never said this to a nanny before... How about we go downstairs and get a little drunk?" What she does not say is, "You are fired, come apply your art degree and illustration experience to our business venture. Or better yet, remember all those years you supported yourself and a teenage daughter in your giant fucking house because you had a really great job as a commercial artist? Did marrying Mike just completely sap you of the ability to take care of yourself? Or is it the extensive brain damage, because if so, I'm going to feel bad about bringing it up."
Beth's changed into her latest costume, Lady On A Swing At A Steakhouse, so that she can give Paul Young a fairly explicit broadcast hand-shandy while discussing the chiffarobe conversation she had with Derek. Not that we get to know what it's all about, but apparently he's got something "planned for our neighbors" which is shocking and crazy and arises from how badly Paul "despise[s] these people" and "need[s] these people to suffer for what they did" to him. What did they do to him? I honestly don't remember.
Keith's drama detector finally goes off and he interrupts his own crying jag -- just like a toddler! -- to remind them both that this entire fight is 100% grade-A bullshit because they have been together for like two months and fighting about kids is what only truly desperate fuckers do after two months. He grabs onto her like a life vest or a mommy and they decide to be happy just a little while longer, before the futility dooms them and the inevitable happens: They break up, or she falls apart into little papery scraps.
Gabby has changed her mind again: She doesn't want Carlos to go on the trip after all. Guess who? The other gay person in the universe! Lee, your ex-husband! The one that is now on drugs and left you because my husband and I dicked you around about having a baby to the point that it drove you both crazy! And now Lee's fat, because gay people hate being called fat! She literally smooshes them together like she's experimenting with lesbian Barbies, and they try to explain to her how this is yet another offensive fucking thing, and she's like, "Tish tosh! You're gay!" And they're like, "You're right!" And so then they fuck, because you know how they are: Uncomplicated. Lotta sound and fury, but when you get down to it, they're pretty interchangeable. That's why they make such great fuckin' pets. Gabby walks out onto the porch, into the sunlight, feeling fucking great about herself, and then an airplane lands on her stupid face.
"Humiliation. It's not always something we can avoid. We may have wives who insult our masculinity [like Carlos, who should just start hitting her already]. We may take jobs we feel are beneath us [like Susan, beneath whom literally no job is because she is incapable of even the simplest tasks]. We may have boyfriends who make us feel old [like that old crumpled piece of mess and tissue they used to call Bree]. Yes, there are all sorts of ways to be humiliated in life [like Beth, getting patted down and then patted on as she enters the jail chain]. But the surest way to get your dignity back," Mary Alice explains -- and this better be fucking good, because we've got a serious dignity deficit going tonight -- "Is to get what you've been waiting for!"
That's right, the end of this absolutely terrible episode! Well, and the secret of Paul and Derek, which Felicia can't wait to hear about and which causes her to heap loads of desperately wished-for approval on her daughter's creepy little head.
"But first, Beth: Does he like to put it in your butt?"
week: Bob and Lee take up snorkeling lessons, Susan glues toxic grass to a lesbian couple's wall in a Trading Spaces debacle for the ages, Bree finally dies from all the sex she shouldn't be having, Keith doesn't even notice that she's cold and dead, Lynette snips the brakes in Renee's car but we learn that dying only makes her stronger, Gabrielle skins Juanita to make a sun dress for Grace, and Tom Scavo has THREE BEERS.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see last season's most outlandish moments.
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