After learning that Danny went to New York to find Ana, Angie and Gaby team up and head there themselves. They find the kids exactly where Angie didn't want them to be: living with her mother. Her mom doesn't want to let her grandson go, but when she learns how dangerous Patrick Logan is, she does. Gaby talks Ana into staying and being a model because the agency thinks she's so amazing (although a royal pain in the ass, just like her aunt Gaby was). Angie, Gaby, and Danny head back to Fairview, but not before Gaby reveals their location to Angie's mom's nosy neighbor -- who promptly calls Patrick and tells him she'll give him the location as soon as he gives her $1,000. On the flight home, Angie spills her secret to Gaby: She was a rabid environmentalist and when she hooked up with "bad guy" Patrick, someone ended up dead. Then Nick helped her run away, but she was already pregnant with Danny, who it turns out is Patrick's son. So we're finally getting somewhere, but it's feeling like a weaker-than-ever season-long mystery if that's it.
Or maybe it will have something to do with Robin -- who won't let Katherine walk away from her lesbianism so easily, by using being drunk or sad as excuses. She's sticking it out, and it feels like there are ulterior motives. Or maybe it has something to do with Bree's new hire, Sam, who she's already made co-vice president of the company, much to Andrew's dismay. His mother's son, he gets drunk in the middle of the day and makes a scene. Bree goes to Sam's to make up for the drama, and finds a photo of Rex Van de Kamp. Turns out Sam's his son. Orson talks Bree into doing the right thing, and not holding it against Sam, and she takes him in as her own. Andrew watches menacingly from across the street. Or maybe it's the slutty Russian fiancee Preston brought home from his trip to Europe. She's a gold digger who knows all about Preston's college fund. In fact, when he proposes and Lynette has a fake ring made instead of giving Preston a family heirloom, she immediately takes it in to be "sized" and comes back and returns it, pretending it's too valuable and that Preston should just buy her one. But Lynette knows it's a lie, and she just doesn't want it because it's not worth anything.
One thing's for sure: It has nothing to do with Susan and Mike, who spend the whole episode trying to make him feel like a man after she pays off his loan and tells him he might have turned Katherine into a lesbian (or leprechaun).
Previously: Sam came to work for Bree. Gaby thought she broke up Danny and Ana, but Angie found out Danny followed her to New York. Katherine tried to kick Robin out, but ended up in bed with her instead. And now: We open on a "welcome home party" for Preston, where Porter and Tom are hanging up a big sign. Mary Alice tells us that Preston's family wondered what kind of souvenirs they would get from Europe -- except Lynette, who just wanted to hold her little boy in her arms. Preston comes in with a creepy-looking moustache and MAVO says she'd soon discover he's not so little anymore. While she hugs Preston, Lynette tells Porter now he doesn't have to grow a moustache to see how bad it looks. Then Preston brings in the real surprise: a sexy blond Russian named Irina. He tells his family they're in love, and Mary Ann finishes up that Preston had returned from his trip with a beautiful souvenir, and his mother would soon wish he hadn't. Opening title card.
Mary Alice says we sometimes have to wash away the mud to appreciate the yellow underneath. I don't know what Bob's been doing with that yellow car to get it that muddy in Fairview. Bree walks slowly with a rose as MAVO continues that sometimes you must move it into the sun to appreciate the beauty of the rose. Mike unwraps a bike for MJ and MAVO says sometimes you have to take off the wrapping to understand just how green a bike can be. Finally, if you want to see a woman's true colors, just make her feel unnecessary. Ana peeks her head around a snow shovel, and a photographer tells her she's "doing it again." She protests that they should see her face, but the guy tells her it's just a tool calendar. They bicker, so that we will know both that he's a jerk and she's a prima donna. When the guy takes a break, Danny's standing there. He tells Ana that Gaby sent her here to break them up. Ana realizes that's why the agency's only sending her on crappy jobs. Danny wants to go somewhere and talk, so Ana quits. Gaby's actually sewing when Angie comes in for Ana's address in New York. She explains that Danny ran off to find her, so Gaby calls Ana's phone, which is all, "Hi. This is Ana. Leave a message. Oh, and if you're my aunt Gaby? Drop dead." Gaby tells Angie she's going with her.
Susan's wearing a shiny silver dress at breakfast, and Mike (in his robe) points out she's a little overdressed. She bought it with the check from her sale at the strip club, she says, figuring she needed something to wear when they go to Chez Naomi. Mike's awesome response: "Chez Naomi? Why don't we just stay home and eat money?" She reminds him he promised to take her there to celebrate paying off his business loan. He says it's years away from being paid off, but Susan says she took care of it. He gets mad and asks what the hell she did that for, since it was his responsibility. She tells him he was never going to pay it off at 9 percent interest, so he relents and says he appreciates it, but to check with him in the future first. Whatever. Any normal guy would appreciate that gesture and would, in fact, want to use whatever money either of them came into to pay off any debt that is either of theirs. This is stupid.
Andrew walks in on Bree and Sam planning her cookbook, Down Home Cooking with Mrs. Van de Kamp," and he's more than a little jealous. When Sam leaves, Andrew starts mocking, "My darling Sam, I couldn't make it through the day without you." He says that will be the dedication, and also? Sam's a brown-noser. Bree's sorry he doesn't like Sam, but she likes him so much she's making him another vice president, telling Andrew there's plenty of work to go around. Andrew can't believe this, since she barely knows Sam, but she says she's doing what's best for both of them. He tells her to remember that line, because he'll use it when he puts her in a nursing home.
Robin's snuggling up to Katherine, who's staring straight at the ceiling. It honestly looks like the most uncomfortable cuddling ever. Thankfully, the doorbell rings, and Katherine finds Susan there. She's inviting Katherine shopping, because she wants to be friends again. Katherine tries to shut the door, but Susan asks her not to shut her out, since they used to tell each other everything. Robin comes down and greets Susan, then calls Katherine "hon" and kisses her on the lips. She goes to make coffee, and Susan's like, "So, anything you want to tell me?"
On the mean streets of New York, Danny knocks on a door and is greeted by an older woman. He asks if she's Rose Deluca, and then tells her she's his grandma. She greets him as Tyler, and invites him in with a huge, tearful hug. In an airplane, Gaby tells Angie their plan: to go to Ana's modeling agency, since she knows that world. Angie asks how, and Gaby scoffs that Angie wouldn't know she was a model. Gaby says she was "big-time," even on the cover of Vogue before she decided she wanted a different kind of life and married Carlos. Then Gaby asks Angie about her past since she told her about hers. Angie says her past isn't that interesting, anyway, and that telling her she was a supermodel is bragging, not sharing. Angie wonders why she never heard of Gaby if she was so great, and Gaby says she'd have to look in a fashion magazine, which she doubts Angie's ever done. Angie asks if they're done sharing, and Gaby: "Oh, yeah."
At the Scavo home, Preston and Irina are regaling the family with their tales from Europe: They met on a topless beach. Irina says she was embarrassed to show her breasts in public, and Lynette looks at her revealing dress and says, "Well, clearly you've gotten over that." Tom pulls Lynette away from the table and tells her to stop being rude. Lynette says she loves Preston, who could never get a girl that hot, but Tom says to get back there and be nice. Lynette tries to be nice by complimenting Irina's boots, and she says Preston bought her those for 300 euros in Paris. Lynette's like, "Huh. I remember sending you money for an emergency, but I didn't know it involved footwear." He says he'll pay her back out of his college fund, and then Irina tells them how generous Preston is. He promised to take her on a shopping spree in America. Lynette's obviously disgusted.
Mike, brushing his teeth, pokes his head out of the bathroom and asks Susan if she just said Katherine is a leprechaun. Susan clarifies she's a lesbian, but Mike thinks the first one made more sense. Susan says it was Katherine and Robin, who's also a "leprechaun." Mike starts to have what looks like a fantasy, but Susan tells him to get it out of his head. Then he wonders how Katherine could go from him to women, and Susan says he was a nice transition because he's gentle and likes to cuddle. He asks if she's saying he makes love like a woman, but she says he's a well-balanced man in touch with his feminine side. He claims not to have one, but she reminds him he cries at Brian's Song and The Notebook. Mike barks back, "Tears of boredom." Then he goes in the bathroom and shuts the door, which gives MJ a chance to come in and ask why his daddy's yelling. Susan: "He may have turned a woman into a leprechaun." MJ looks as puzzled as you'd expect.
Tom and Lynette argue about Irina in bed that night. Lynette thinks Tom's opinion of her was set once he heard the word topless, and he thinks she needs to give her a chance. Lynette tells Tom, in a Russian accent, that Irina's a gold-digger. Preston comes in to tell them he proposed to Irina, who said yes. He tells them she's the one, but Lynette tells him to wake up and asks why he told her about his college fund. Preston says she must really think he's an idiot, and Lynette says she thinks he's young, which is sometimes idiot-adjacent. Preston says he doesn't need her approval, but he wants Nana's ring. She says he can buy her boots, but she's not getting Lynette's family heirloom. Preston says it's not her call, since Nana promised it to him. He punctuates it by saying he's sorry he came home.
Angie and Gaby are in the modeling agency waiting room. Angie's impressed that Gaby's friend owns this place. Angie says she could have never been a model since she likes food too much, and Gaby's like, "Yeah. That's why." Then Heidi Klum enters and Gaby tells Angie she's an old friend. Angie: "Get out." Gaby hollers to Heidi, and says, "It's me, Gaby." Met with a blank stare, she clarifies, "Gabriel Marquez." Heidi remembers. She says it's hard to forget someone who taped toilet paper to the bottom of her Manolos and laughed when she walked down the runway. Gaby tries to introduce Angie, but Heidi says, "Screw you, screw your friend, and screw Fairview." An oddly dressed and even more oddly hatted guy comes in -- this show's version of a fabulous black gay man -- and gives Gaby a sweet greeting, and compliments Angie's cheekbones. She smirks at Gaby. Anyway, the guy (Gaby's friend Luke) tells her how gifted Ana is, but that her attitude is a problem. Gaby asks where Ana is, and Luke tells her she left with her boyfriend, "Broody McFine Ass," to go stay with his family in New York. He doesn't know where she went and doesn't care. Gaby asks if Angie has relatives in New York, and she says, "Only one."
Then she's all incognito as she rings her mom's buzzer. Her mom gives her a big hug, then slaps her across the face, but invites her in. Inside, Rose tells Angie she's not ready to be alone at her table again after finally meeting her grandson. Rose says the feds don't care about Danny, but Angie says it's not the feds she cares about. Rose reminds her that Patrick Logan doesn't care about her anymore; it's been eighteen years. Angie pleads, but Rose opens the door and shows her out. "I'll tell Danny you were here."
Katherine's talking to the only people she apparently thinks she can in this case: Bob and Lee. They're like, "Holy Chaz Bono!" (Lee literally says that) when they learn about her sex with Robin the Stripper. She tells them that's the first time she's ever done that and Robin's out of town so she has a couple days to figure it out. She asks if she's gay now, and tries to tell them what happened, but Lee's grossed out at kissing. He tells her she's not gay, since she can't switch her entrée from meat to fish. Bob tells Katherine he was with a lot of women in his twenties. Lee: "Any excuse to drag that out." Bob goes on that he slept with a man, and knew that was right. Lee: "Then, 1,000 men later, he found me." Bob's point is that if it didn't feel right, it was probably a one-time thing. She says that might be the case, since she was drunk. Bob asks her to take sex out of it and see what happens, but she says they already live together, so going back to dating might be difficult. Lee tells her that is fast. "Maybe you are a lesbian." I don't get that joke; maybe I'm not up on my latest lesbian stereotype jokes.
Bree's introducing Sam as a new vice president to all of the staff, when Andrew stumbles in. Literally. Because he's his mother's son and is drunk in the middle of the day. He starts clapping loudly while Sam's making his "thank you" speech. Then he slurs that he was just showing his support. He tells Bree that just because she can't have a liquid lunch doesn't mean he can't. Sam offers Andrew some coffee, and then tells him he needs to go now, but Andrew basically throws him against the wall. Which is sort of silly, because he's ... little Andrew versus Joan's abusive husband. Sam says he'll take the rest of the day off, and Andrew's like, "See? I told you he was a slacker." Okay, that would be funny if he weren't so drunk and crazy. Oh, who am I kidding? It's funny because little wimpy Andrew is somehow supposed to seem threatening.
Lynette takes her grandma's ring to a jeweler and asks him to make a cheap knock-off. He says the ring is lovely, and she'll be able to tell the difference. Lynette says she's counting on opportunist Irina to have the ring appraised immediately and when she finds out it's a fake, Lynette's betting she'll be looking for a new money bags. The jeweler asks if that won't make her son mad. Lynette sweetly says that's why she keeps having kids: to replace the ones who hate her. Ha. As if that would work. They all grow up to hate you eventually, right?
Mike's still pouting when Susan tells him MJ's asleep and is he coming to bed. He asks if she needs someone to do her hair. She tells him not to pout, because he's strong. She asks him to come upstairs, but he says he can show her he's a man right here. He throws her on the counter and then pushes everything off the counter. He tries to tear her T-shirt, but can't get it to rip. Eventually, she tells him she's in pain and pushes him off. He lands on the floor, and she asks if he's okay. He says he's not really, and it's not about Katherine; it's about her paying off his loan. She asks if that isn't a little 1956. He says he grew up with a man who didn't provide for his family, so he always swore that was one thing he would do. Susan's overly plastic-surgereyed face seems to be touched, though it's hard to tell. Then she lays down with him on the floor and tells him she'll cancel the check tomorrow and let him pay the loan himself. That's idiotic.
Over dinner and drinks, Gaby calls Ana and tells her she's not leaving New York until she sees her. Angie asks Gaby what she's planning to do, and it's a pretty good plan: "Find Ana. Cut the purse strings. Destroy her hopes and dreams. And catch a Broadway show." Angie approves of the plan. Then Paulina Porizkova comes in with Luke. Gaby introduces Angie to Paulina. Gaby asks for a hug, and Paulina says Gaby treated her like dirt and now wants a hug? She basically thinks Gaby's a bitch, because Paulina helped her get a job and then Gaby ... I'm not totally clear on this part ... wanted better lipstick? Which affected Paulina's life because she had to stay at the sandy photo shoot longer? It's sort of a stretch, but Paulina leaves, Angie goes to call Nick, and Gaby tells Luke she can't believe that. He reminds her she was the queen bitch diva, insulting agents and photographers, which was why her career went down in flames. She says she chose to leave when Carlos proposed. Luke says when Carlos proposed, he told her to grab that brass ring, because it was over for her. And she knew it too, or she wouldn't have left. Gaby looks stunned and sad at this realization about herself.
Bree shows up at a trailer park and asks a guy if Sam Allen lives here. He says he lives in "that one," and she should put her "get well" muffins in the house unless she wants the dog to eat them. She goes inside and leaves the basket, but then notices a photo of a younger Rex Van de Kamp with a young boy on her wall. Sam walks in then, and she asks what he's doing with a picture of Rex. Sam tells her he was his father. She asks what, and leaves angrily. He tries to tell her he didn't want her to find out this way and he's sorry, but she's already in the car as he pleads for her to let him explain. She drives off, thinking the guy's as crazy as I already knew.
Preston's setting the dinner table that night, telling his mom how much Irina loved the ring. That's why she took it right to a jeweler to get it sized. Lynette's like, "Good." And she tells him she's looking forward to them seeing the same thing in Irina. She comes back then, but isn't wearing the ring. She tells Lynette she doesn't want the ring after all. Irina says she loves it, but it's too precious for her to give to a woman she doesn't know. She gives it back and says to give it to Penny. She tells Preston to buy her another one, and he says Nana's ring is worth way more than anything he can afford. Irina looks right at Lynette when she says she knows exactly what it's worth, but she'd still like him to buy her a different one. Tom thinks this is totally classy, but Lynette's just confirmed her own suspicions. I find it hard to believe Lynette wouldn't have clued Tom in on this, but I'm sure she will soon enough.
A nosy neighbor lady watches Angie visit Rose again. Angie tells her mom she has t
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o tell her something about Patrick. Rose says fine, and asks what about the great and powerful Patrick Logan, but Angie first makes her promise she'll never tell Danny. Cut to outside, where Gaby finds Ana and Danny arriving. Ana says she has nothing to say to Gaby, but Gaby asks for five minutes. Ana gives her two, and tells Danny she'll meet her inside. Ana tells Gaby she knows she sent her to New York to get her away from Danny, and Gaby says she begged Luke to take her as a favor. BUT it turns out she was doing Luke a favor, too, because he thinks Ana's really talented. Ana's eyes light up a little: "He said that?" But Gaby tells her he also thinks she's a petulant, spoiled brat, which will kill her career, just like it killed Gaby's. Ana says she thought Gaby was successful, and Gaby says she was until everyone was tired of her crap. She tells Ana to go back to Luke and apologize. She says modeling can be a great ride, and she wants her to be successful. Inside, Danny tells his mom that Grandma wants him to stay. Rose cries and tells him she doesn't, because his mother knows what's best. She tells him they have a relationship now, and will talk all the time, but as long as he's there, neither of them is safe. Back outside, Danny and Ana hug goodbye, Angie says goodbye to her mom, and the nosy neighbor asks Gaby who that woman is. Gaby tells her it's her daughter, Angie, visiting from Fairview. Uh-oh.Orson looks out the window of their house and says Sam's still out there and she should talk to him. Right, the creepy stalker outside your house? Talk to him. Bree says she has nothing to say to him, but Orson says he's 26 so was born before she married Rex. She says fidelity isn't the issue; it's Rex's secret life. Orson thinks it's fine to be mad at Rex, but not at the innocent young man. Bree says he showed up at work and didn't tell her who he was. She wonders what he wants, and Orson says there's only one way to find out. Bree goes outside and tells Sam he has two minutes to explain. (What's with everyone and the two-minute limit?) He tells her that his mother and father met at a bar, when they were both single. They had one night together, and she called him when she found out she was pregnant, but he'd already met Bree and was in love. He offered to support her, but his mother turned him down. Bree asks if he visited, and he says a few times, but his mother asked him to stop because it was too hard on him. She asks if he ever saw him again, and he says he did, from right here. He'd ride his bike by as a kid, and wonder why Rex would choose all of them over him. He says he could see they were perfect. And when his mother died six months ago, he decided he needed to meet Bree. She asks why he didn't tell her, and he says he wanted her to like him and wasn't sure she would. She says he looks cold, and hugs him, then invites him in for hot chocolate. It's very loving, but Andrew's watching angrily from his window. Maybe he should find his missing doctor boyfriend and stop the obsession with his mother.
Katherine's reading a book with no cover title, so ... her own diary, I'm guessing? Anyway, Robin comes back from her weekend wedding, and says she caught the bouquet. No pressure. She tries to kiss Katherine, who turns away. Robin asks if they need to talk, since they haven't. Katherine tells her she's a wonderful, beautiful person, and Robin says, "Oh, yowza." Katherine tells her she was drunk, and the other night was a mistake. She's so sorry. She picks up her book again, but Robin tells her that's complete crap. She's not going to let her blame it on being drunk. Katherine tries another excuse: She's been through a lot recently and was trying to forget that. She says she's not attracted to women, so it doesn't count no matter what. Robin says she knows how Katherine touched her and how she liked being touched. She says she might deny it now, but they connected and it counted. She kisses her, and Katherine kisses back. She says, "Okay. It counted." Robin thanks her, and they smile at each other. Not sure if that means it's the end or the beginning.
On the flight back to Fairview (and if it's far enough away from New York that they have to fly, does it seem weird that Gaby telling the woman just "Fairview" would be enough to tell her anything; are we to assume it's in New York? But I have never thought they lived in New York. But if they didn't, and it was a town called Fairview, you'd think she'd tell her the state. I get that they don't want us to know where Fairview is, but that's not working in this particular storyline), Danny goes to find an empty seat in the back of the plane, leaving Angie and Gaby alone. Gaby asks if Angie's okay, and Angie says she's just tired. Gaby tells Angie she might have picked up on the fact that she hasn't always been a good person, but she's going to work on it, starting with Angie. She tells her that she knows she has a secret, because they heard her and Nick fighting. She says she hasn't told anyone, but she wants her to know she's carried around a lot of secrets, so if she ever needs a friend...
Angie considers it for all of two seconds and then sighs and begins: "Okay. When I was eighteen, I wanted to save the planet. I organized protests against logging companies, big oil (but it sounds like "pig oil" when she says it), auto plants. But then I got involved with a bad guy. A really bad guy. He convinced me that we had to get more aggressive. Long story short: Someone got killed." Gaby asks if the bad guy is Nick, and Angie says no, that he's the one who helped her run away from the psycho. Gaby asks who the psycho is, and Angie says, "Danny's father." It's weird she'd only just now tell her mom that, but she's already telling Gaby. Good chance Danny will find out with so many people knowing.
Mary Alice's Voice Over picks back up that it's not always easy to see someone's true colors. Susan watches Mike stain a chair in the garage as MAVO says you sometimes must look beneath the masculine veneer (get it? Because he's staining a chair?) to see the fragile ego. All of the Scavos except Lynette are gathered happily around Irina's new ring as MAVO says you must ignore the sparkle of the jewel to know you're looking at a fake. Lynette stands aside, ignoring Inira's sparkle, knowing she's a fake. Bree walks from her dark kitchen into the lightened breakfast nook and serves Sam coffee. MAVO says you must bring the truth out of the shadows to see the beauty of its smile. "Yes, people hide their true nature from us every day, and sadly, we only find out when it's too late." Nosy neighbor lady calls "Mr. Logan." She tells him she's Rose's nosy neighbor, Iris, and she saw Rose's daughter. She says she'll tell him where she lives when she gets her $1,000.
week: Lynette catches Preston doing something naughty with his fiancee in her house. Gaby and Susan are in some sort of competition, and they'll both stop at nothing to win. Gaby's all sexy in front of construction workers. Andrew finds out Sam's his brother, and Bree thinks they'll hit it off. But then Sam smashes a guitar in Bree's pristine living room. Lynette gets a whole dish of something red to the face, courtesy of Irina. And our "dark stranger" Patrick Logan shows up, and Angie pulls out a gun. Then we hear a gunshot. So ... what does any of this have to do with Julie being attacked? Or does anyone even care about that anymore?
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, isn't sure encouraging a child to pursue modeling over, say, college is the best choice, but if it means no more Ana, I'll take it. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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