Susan gets sentenced for shooting Katherine -- to community service, picking up trash in an orange jumpsuit. Katherine drives by to mock and throws out a cup, landing herself in the same place. When they work together, Katherine ends up melting down and telling Susan she wins, and now Katherine will never find anyone else who will have sex five times in one day. Susan, upset, sees this as a challenge and tries to get Mike to have sex with her five times in a day. He makes it to three before telling her he can't anymore, and he only did that with Katherine because their relationship had nothing else in it but sex. This seems to comfort Susan, though I wish they'd move on from this love triangle now that it's so obviously not a triangle at all. In the other side-plot of the episode, Lynette tries to finish up an important task at work before telling Carlos she's pregnant, and she does, but Gaby sees she's pregnant first and tells him. He pretends not to know and offers her a promotion in Florida or nothing, so he's not firing her; it's her choice whether to quit or move to Miami. It's pretty infuriating, actually, and reminds me that Carlos used to be an ass.
In the mystery storyline, Angie and Julie run into each other and Angie tells her she knows and to please cool it with the small talk. Then Angie sees Nick with a waitress at a coffee shop and gets jealous. He wonders if it will always be like that. This leads Angie to help Bree cover up her affair from Orson -- to spare Orson the hurt, not to help Bree. She tells Bree to choose one man or the other; it's that simple. We end the episode back with Nick at the coffee shop with the waitress he flirted with early in the episode. He's flirting again, then she leaves and he makes a phone call on a disposable phone to a police officer. He tells him he'll come in and talk, but he has to know he'll keep "her" clear of this. He says he'll call back soon and the person on the other end better have an answer. When he hangs up, the waitress is there, and he asks if she was eavesdropping. She says she just got there, so he picks up his stuff and leaves. She finishes closing up, and as she leaves, someone shows up. We don't see who, but she says, "Hi. Did you forget something." Then whoever it is strangles her, and she falls to the floor, dead. And now we have to wait two weeks to find out what happens .
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why Wisteria Lane needs an NCIS.
Previously: Bree told Karl there'd be no more sex for a month, and he should focus on getting her a divorce. Angie went to work for Bree. Gaby didn't like home-schooling. Lynette's hiding her pregnancy from her boss, Carlos. Nick and Julie had an affair before she was attacked, and Angie knew about it. Susan was arrested for shooting Katherine. Phew. It's been a busy season.
In a courtroom, Mary Alice tells us what a sense of humor Judge Mary Gallagher has. She pronounces sentences: A slumlord who won't fix the furnace has to live in his own tenement for a month, in December. A woman who threw a phone at her maid has to clean her maid's home for six weeks. A high school coach who made lewd remarks to a cheerleader has to cheer in uniform at an assembly. Then there was the case of the housewife who shot her neighbor. Susan stands up -- to Bob, so looks like she got him -- and says it was an accident. Katherine stands up and screams that it wasn't. They explain the whole Mike situation to the judge, who spots Mike and tells him she can see shooting someone over him. The judge says she's inclined to avoid giving out jail time, but there have to be consequences. Katherine pipes up that she'd like to say something, and the judge tells her to make it quick since she already finds her uninteresting. Which is rude, because Katherine's anything but uninteresting this season. Katherine says Susan's been trashing her, too, so the judge sentences her to... picking up trash. Cut to Susan in an orange jumpsuit. Mary Alice reminds us of the judge's sense of humor, but tells us not everyone found her funny. Susan looks annoyed. Title card.
Random coffee shop called The Coffee Cup, as Mary Alice explains that you can drink coffee, read your morning paper, or bump into your neighbors there. Julie walks in, and Angie's already there. Mary Alice: "...whether you want to or not." Julie walks up, and says hi to Angie, who looks at her and half-smiles. Julie makes small-talk about decaf, and Angie says, "Seriously? You think I'm going to make small-talk with you?" She says she knows Julie slept with Nick, so she thinks they're past chit-chat. Julie says she's so sorry, but Angie turns and explains how shame works: "When you see the wife of the guy you banged, you don't make conversation... You avert your gaze and you blush." The barista gives Angie her latte, and Angie says Julie's buying it: "She owes me."
Scavos'. Lynette's in a white men's shirt with a suit vest when she wakes up Tom so he's not late for class. He sits up and calls her "dad." She says her clothes are all too tight, so she has to wear his. He tells her he's still attracted to her in men's clothes and wonders if that's weird. She laughs a little, but ignores it, saying she has to pull this off for two more days and then can tell Carlos. Tom says there's no way Carlos won't be furious when he finds out, and she should have told him two months ago (when she was two months' pregnant). Lynette says that as soon as she and Terrence Henderson close the biggest deal in company history, Carlos will see that Terrence can get the work done when Lynette's on maternity leave. She's not sure the deal's going to close, though, so asks him to wish her luck. He says, "Good luck. Now come here, Mister. I wanna kiss ya." Lynette: "Okay, now it's weird."
In a church, Gaby enters a confessional and tells the priest she's sinned. She says she's been home-schooling her daughter and it's been a living hell, so she tried to bribe someone to get her into Catholic school. The priest asks what happened, and she opens the screen and throws a wad of money at him, all, "You tell me." He says, "Gabriella, what are you doing?" She tells him as the head of admissions, the money might help him get Gaby to the top of the waiting list. They keep tossing the money back and forth, and he finally says he might be able to move Juanita to the top of the waiting list, but that they tend to favor people who go to church more often. Gaby thinks this means he wants her to slip him a bunch of money during church. He says that's not it at all, but she tells him she's winking at him, and leaves.
Karl and Bree are in a parking garage, post-opera. She comments on the milestone of it being his first, and he says it's another milestone in that it's his last. She says she saw him tear up at the end of Act 2, and he says only because he realized there was an Act 3. You know, I'm not uncultured or anything, and I couldn't agree with Karl more. Opera is nothing special. Bree tells him that Madame Butterfly is a masterpiece, and wonders if the scene when Madame Butterfly tells the child not to feel sorrow at her mother's desertion made him feel anything. He says she leaned forward right then and he saw her boob, so he felt a little horny. Bree reminds him they're not having sex. She needs to know this relationship can be more than that.
When Bree arrives home, Orson's listening to headphones. Which is odd when you're home alone, isn't it? Do people actually do that? He asks how her business dinner was and she says the bid was too high and they're going with someone else. He tells her he's listening to a new recording of Madame Butterfly, and removes the headphones so she can hear. He looks very serious, as does she, and for a moment I thought he'd followed her and this was his way of telling her that. But he's just moved by it, and asks her if it isn't glorious. She looks sad and says it is. But then she excuses herself and rushes up to bed.
A conference room. Lynette, Carlos and a third guy are sitting there on a conference call, saying that the Florida branch is officially a go. Carlos tells the people on the other end of the line that they have someone perfect in mind for branch manager but have to work out the logistics on this end. He hangs up and tells them he has no idea who will be branch manager. Carlos tells Lynette she really hit this one out of the park, but Lynette passes the credit along to Terrence for being so much help on this one. Carlos gets beeped from the front desk, telling him that Gaby's there to see him. He tells her to wait in his office, so she jumps on the speaker phone and yells that she just came from church and they have big trouble so he better not blow her off.
In Carlos's office, she tells him they need a big, fat check to help them seem holy enough to get Juanita to the top of the waiting list. He asks if she knows what kind of pressure he's under to get the Florida office up and running, and asks her to leave. She asks if she could at least get five dollars to buy Juanita a hairnet for her career in the fast food industry. She storms out, as Carlos looks exasperated. Gaby sees Lynette and Terrence in the hall, and does a double-take at Lynette's suit (it's complete with tie and jacket now), and says, "Gentlemen." Lynette points out a lot of people are wearing this style, but Gaby says that doesn't make it right. Terrence tells Gaby he heard her mention their school, St. Ursula's. He says it's a great school, and their second-grader, Molly, loves it. Gaby heads back in to Carlos's office to tell him she found him the perfect person to head the Florida office. Then Carlos is telling Lynette the news, and she says he can't send Terrence away. She wonders what if a bus hit her and she was put on bed rest for three months. He laughs, "That's not going to happen." She says he jinxed it, and it will now. He tells her that's enough; Terrence is going. Then he adds that he really likes the look she has going, but to be careful, because Roberta in accounting asked if he thought she'd like to go bowling with her.
Side of the road somewhere. Orange-jump-suited work crew, one of whom is Susan. Katherine pulls up and honks. She waves at Susan, as she drinks from a giant fast food cup. She says she was just stopping by to say hi, and Susan wonders if she means "gloat." Katherine: "Maybe a little." It's totally distracting to me that every time it cuts back to Katherine here she's holding her cup a different way. Bad work on the part of everyone involved in this scene for letting that happen. Susan reminds Katherine that yes, this sucks, but she goes home to Mike at the end of the day, so she won. Katherine says it's big talk for a woman in an orange jumpsuit with blisters on her feet. Susan says Mike will rub her feet tonight, and she makes the jumpsuit look good. Katherine says the fact that she thinks that shows she's not at all rational. Then she says Susan missed some trash and throws her cup out on the ground. Susan tells the supervisor, who says if he'd seen her license plate he could do something about it, so Susan offers up her address. Susan and Katherine are side-by-side picking up trash in orange jumpsuits (and Katherine actually has a cute matching headband). Susan throws a piece of her trash in front of Katherine and tells her she missed something.
Another episode of Another Desperate Housewife, in which a cop hits on a woman whose husband was just killed by his mistress (in the last episode). She gives him her number. More commercials.
The Coffee Cup. Nick's inside, where the waitress is rubbing crumbs off his shirt when Angie walks up and sees her touching him. The waitress is called off to steam some milk, and Angie walks in and asks if this is what happens when she's five minutes late. He tells her the waitress was just wiping crumbs off of him -- as if that's innocent. No one does that unless they're flirting, and usually not even then. He asks if this is how it's going to be every time he talks to a woman, and she says it probably will. He tells her he's sorry and will do anything she wants including couples therapy. She says telling someone their secrets is a great idea; afterward, they can kill him. He asks what she wants and she says she wants him to be the guy he used to be -- the guy who saved her life, not destroyed it.
Scavos'. They invite Terrence and his wife in under the guise of having them over to celebrate his promotion. Then they split up and attack. Lynette convinces Terrence why he doesn't want to take the job (the last time they expanded, to Chicago, the guy who headed the office was the scapegoat when the office failed, then lost his wife, became an alcoholic, and now works at a grocery store) while Tom talks about all of the horrible things about Miami (alligators, heat, hurricanes, Colombian drug lords, humidity, etc.). By the time they all join up, the couple that was so excited to move when they got there are now freaking out at the thought. Lynette proposes a toast to them going to Miami and they look at each other, like, "What the hell are we thinking?"
Hodges'. Angie shows up and Orson's listening to his opera again. He explains it to her, and says this is actually a hopeful part, but he admits that Butterfly's lover never returns to her. And because of his abandonment, she kills herself. Angie's like, "Huh. Avenue Q is great." Orson shuts off his opera and says Bree's not here, since she's generally out these days. He says she has client dinners constantly but never books anyone. Angie tries to blame the economy, but Orson says he thinks Bree's taken a lover. Angie laughs and scoffs at the thought. She says Bree makes her own croutons, and Orson sees her point. But he says he's going away on a golf weekend and wonders if Angie wouldn't mind spying on Bree. Angie tells him he can be paranoid if he wants, but she isn't going to spy. Orson says it's for the best, since he'd probably do something stupid if he found out. He turns back on the suicidal opera, and Angie looks sad.
Community service. Some dust flies up, and Katherine chokes and then cries until Susan tells her toughen up; it's just a little dust. First time I can remember agreeing with Susan. Katherine sits down and cries, and tells Susan she won. Then she gives a sob story about how she realizes it's time to admit defeat. She reels Susan in with her talk of how the man she loved chose Susan, and Susan even comforts her. Then Katherine talks about how she and Mike connected on so many levels: intellectually, emotionally, sexually. She wonders where she'll ever find someone else who will have sex with her five times in one day. Susan's all, "What?" And Katherine can't believe Susan doesn't know that side of Mike. She stops crying and says maybe she didn't lose after all.
Mike and Susan finish up sex in the morning and he tells her to remind him to ask what she wants for breakfast more often. She has a crazy idea that they both call in sick to work and stay in bed all day. He wonders what's gotten into her, since "Even on my birthday, you told me to hurry up because The Bachelor was on." He tells her that her timing's bad because he has to finish the shower of an old man who hasn't had one in three days. She kisses his neck and convinces him to stay. They hop back into bed.
Church. Gaby arrives and gives the priest a check. He says he didn't expect it, and she tells him to do whatever he wants with it. Then she asks about Juanita at school, and he says she's jumping the gun. Gaby says she knows a spot opened up because Molly's moving to Florida, but the priest says Molly's father decided not to move to Florida. Gaby: "What?!" She moans that this can't be. He wonders how Gaby even knew about this, and she says they'll talk in confession. The priest hugs her and tells her to have faith. When they part, he can't find his check, and she's walking away putting it back in her purse.
Bree's test kitchen. Angie shows up with stuff for mushroom tarts as Bree's frosting a cake. When Angie asks how the cake is, Bree says that just when she thinks she can't top herself, she does. And she's so humble. Angie tells Bree that Orson thinks she's having an affair. Bree gets icing all over the place, and is all, "What?" Angie says he's worried about it but she told him there's no way Bree would do that. Bree thanks her and wonders why Orson would tell her. Angie says he was drinking a lot, and he also asked if Angie would spy on Bree. Bree gets icing all over again, and Angie tells Bree to relax, since she said no. Bree asks Angie to clean this up and heads out. Angie, sarcastically: "Are you sure you're done topping yourself?" Angie watches through a window as Bree talks to Karl on the phone, telling him they need to stay apart for awhile because who knows who else Orson's recruited to spy.
Mike's preparing a sandwich when Susan comes in. He wonders why she's home for lunch, and she says she's trying something different. She asks him to go upstairs and have sex, but he just got a sub from Martinelli's. Susan: "Mike, I am offering you a nooner. Drop your pants and get upstairs." He asks if he can bring his sandwich, and she doesn't care. He follows and says she's the best wife ever and wonders if he can turn on The Three Stooges, too.
Lynette's wearing tight clothes and letting it all hang out at home when Gaby knocks on her door. Lynette tells her to wait a minute, looks around frantically for something to cover herself, then answers. She's in a long, thick winter parka when she greets Gaby, who says, "Hey, Nanook. Why are you wearing a parka?" Lynette: "Because... fur is murder. What's up?" Gaby says she talked to Terrence's wife, who told her Tom and Lynette convinced them not to leave. Gaby wants to know why, and tells her that she needs him out of the state. Lynette asks why, then gasps: "Are you sleeping with him?!" Gaby says no, but they have to leave so she can get Juanita into St. Ursula's. But Lynette says she needs him to stay. Gaby wonders if she's sleeping with him. Lynette says no, but she needs him here. She starts going on about her complicated life, and Gaby feels bad. She gets up to hug her and then jumps, startled, that Lynette's stomach just kicked her. She makes Lynette open the parka. When she does, Gaby asks why she didn't tell her and Lynette says she knew she'd tell Carlos. Gaby's face instantly goes from happy for Lynette to serious disappointment as she realizes Lynette knew when she got the promotion, and she took it anyway even though she'd be leaving Carlos in the lurch. Lynette says she didn't tell him because she wanted to prove she was the best person for the job. Gaby says she certainly proved something, and storms out with glare, leaving Lynette to look sad. Because she hates nothing more than Tom being right.
Mike gets home after work. He hollers to Susan, and she says she's "up here!" She's waiting on the bed in sexy lingerie. Mike says, "Oh, God," and tells her he has nothing left. She tries to kiss him anyway, and he asks what's going on with her; it's like she just got out of prison. She wonders if there's something wrong with a husband and wife having sex and says their relationship is passionate, right? He says it is, but he was hoping tonight they could cuddle. Susan: "Cuddle? Am I that repulsive to you?" She tells him to just admit she's a lousy lay. He says it's not her, but he can't do it a fourth time. It's basic biology. She gives him some basic math: He had sex with Katherine five times in a day and her three times, which means Katherine turns him on. He says the only reason the record with Katherine ever happened was they were snowed in during a ski trip and they had nothing to talk about, because sex was all they had. Susan throws herself on the bed in frustration. He comes over and tells her how he and Katherine had nothing but sex, but he and Susan have everything (including a son who they always ignore), a rich full life together. He says they can finish each other's sentences and then they do. And they're all made up and decide to cuddle and watch The Bachelor.
Karl shows up at Bree's and she freaks that someone could see him. Which he feels is why she should invite him in. He says he parked two blocks away. But Angie saw him go in, of course, because she was unloading groceries. Karl tells Bree he found a way to spring her from the marriage. Angie scoots closer to spy more, as Karl and Bree drink wine on the living room couch. Karl says that with Orson on parole, all he needs to do is associate with an ex-con, so all they have to do is get them in a room with someone. Then he'll have to let Bree go or she'll have her own blackmail. Karl wants a kiss, and she leans in to kiss his cheek when he gets handsy. She reminds him of their no-sex deal, but he doesn't want to waste Orson being out of town. Angie's heading up the stairs of the test kitchen to get a better view and sees Karl and Bree kissing and undressing each other inside her room. She also sees Orson pull into the driveway. She looks sort of interested in what might happen, but then pulls out her phone to dial.
In the house, Orson sneaks around, seeing a wine glass to Bree's non-alcoholic drink. Angie's calling Bree, but Karl tells her to ignore the call. Orson starts up the stairs as Angie calls again. Bree answers, and Angie tells her to get the man out of her room now. Bree innocently says, "What? There's no man in my room." Angie says that's great, since Orson's home, and Bree gasps. Orson's upstairs. He looks in the guest room, then opens Bree's bedroom door. She says hi to him as she applies lotion in bed. We pan out to see Karl's clothes behind Bree's pillow and her phone on the nightstand. She's still connected to Angie. Bree tells Orson he's home early, and wonders why he's back so soon as outside, Angie sees a naked Karl standing on the roof outside Bree's window. Orson tells Bree he's getting a cold and hates to be sick away from home. He jumps into her closet and she asks what he's doing. Orson says there was a glass of wine downstairs, so she's not alone. Angie's hearing all this, of course, so as Bree stutters about how insulted she is that Orson would even think that... Angie runs in with her wine glass. She comes in the room, and then says, "Wow, I pop home for five minutes to toss some clothes in the dryer and you've got a man in your room." Orson's surprised she was here, but they pretend they were just gossiping. Orson could use a glass of wine, so they send him downstairs to drink it while they finish their girl talk.
Once he's gone, Angie gets the clothes from behind the pillow and tosses them to Karl. She tells him he's going to have to jump into the rose bushes, so he might want to put his pants on first. Back in the room, Bree thanks Angie, but she says she did it for Orson. Then she yells that she defended Bree to him, and said she had too much class to do something like this. Bree says it's a complicated situation, but Angie says she'll make it simple: "Two men want you. Choose one." Bree wonders which one, and says Orson's blackmailing her, and is manipulative and calculating. But Karl's crass and conceited and sex is all they have in common. But he brings out passion in her she never knew she had. But Orson likes opera. She cries, as if we're supposed to feel bad for her. Never going to happen. Orson maybe, but never Bree.
Lynette's office the day. Carlos strolls in. She's sitting down so you can't see her stomach. Lynette asks if Gaby talked to him, and he says no, but he needs to talk to her. He tells her he wants her to run the Miami office. He says if it isn't going to be Terrence, it has to be her. He says it won't be forever, and maybe she could move back in a couple years and telecommute from here. Lynette asks what this is, and gets up, saying she knows Gaby told him she's pregnant. Carlos calmly says, "You're pregnant? Wow. Great." He says Gaby didn't tell him, and he "would remember somebody telling me something like that." He asks about Miami, but she says he should send someone else there and keep her here. But he says he needs Lynette in Miami, and doesn't need her here. Lynette apologizes for not telling him sooner, but he can't fire her for being pregnant. He says he's offering her a promotion, not firing her. If she chooses to turn it down and quit, all he can do is say good luck and congratulations. Wow, that's vicious.
The Coffee Cup. Nick's sitting there as the barista tells someone on the phone it's late and she has to close up. She tells him tomorrow's no good either, and then lets him down harder by saying he's a nice guy but she's not looking for a relationship right now. Nick tells her the same thing -- that that's not letting a guy down easy -- when she's off the phone. She smiles and asks if he's okay while she cleans up in back. He says he is. When she leaves, he pulls out a disposable phone and calls "Agent Padilla." He says he has a memory quiz for him. He gets a funny, hick accent and calls himself "Black Owl," then says, "Damn, Chris, still sharp as a tack, huh?" He says this conversation will last less than 60 seconds, then says he's thinking about coming in, but he needs to know "she gets a pass." He says that when he hears from him again, Agent Padilla better have an answer to that question, and it better be yes. Then he hangs up and takes the phone apart. When he turns, the waitress is back, looking like she just heard something she shouldn't have. I wonder why he'd make that call there? I mean, I get he wouldn't want Angie or Danny to hear it, but there are much more private places than this, aren't there? He asks if she was eavesdropping, and the waitress say she just got here. She puts her hand on his shoulder and says she wants to go home. We get a view outside the window as if someone's watching but never see if anyone is. He gets up and grabs his stuff, says he'll see her, and leaves.
Mary Alice picks back up on The Coffee Cup sign, saying the coffee shop is a place you can read your morning paper, meet your friends, have a cup of coffee at the end of a long day. The place was known for many things. She pulls out her keys and walks to the front to lock up when the door opens. We don't see who it is, but she smiles and says, "Oh, hey. Did you forget something?" The light is switched off and her smile fades. She asks what whoever is there is doing, and then hands reach out and strangle her. Until she's seemingly dead, then the attacker drops her to the ground. Mary Alice says that after this night, the coffee shop would be known for something far worse. So, are we to think it's Nick, which is very obvious? Or could it be a red herring? And how could they make it anything else at this point without feeling like it's cheating? I guess we'll find out. But we won't know anything else until at least two weeks, when ...
episode: Lynette thinks there's no way Carlos will send her to Florida, and then we see a "We'll miss you, Lynette" farewell party at work. Carlos winks. There's a killer on the loose. Obviously. Bree tells the other ladies that a .38 special is a girl's best friend. Gaby admires the pearl handle. Anyone could be a suspect, says the announcer guy, and we see everyone on the show. Then he asks who's the most desperate... of them all. Mike steps on Katherine's flower beds and tells her she's never seen him angry and doesn't know what he's capable of. Susan, watching from inside her house gasps, "Oh my god!" See you in two weeks. Have a happy Thanksgiving and days off and all of that.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why Wisteria Lane needs an NCIS.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, used to be a barista without realizing what a dangerous line of work it is. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.