Carlos and Gaby start their twisted relationship with Grandma Nutjob. It starts out all poolside margaritas and lobsters dinners, but quickly turns weird. First, Grandma Nutjob crawls into bed with Carlos and Gaby, and then she actually insists that Celia and Juanita call her "Grandma." When Gaby decides she has enough crazy in her family already, Grandma Nutjob gets really devious and reports Carlos to the country club for touching her inappropriately during their last massage.
Lynette and Tom quickly realize what's going on with Porter and Mrs. Robinson (er ... Ann), and make him end it. Lynette basically beats the crap out of Ann in the bathroom at a PTA meeting. It is awesome, and will have you rooting for Lynette, despite all of the times lately that she's seemed like a cranky old woman. But then Ann calls a secret meeting with Porter to break the news that ... she's pregnant. Uh-oh. So not only were they careless with their condom wrapper disposal, but also with the condom use? Porter and Lynette have a heart to heart, and he's surprisingly understanding. But there's a reason: He's planning on running off with Ann.
Susan and Jackson continue "getting to know each other." She tells him very stupid things about her childhood (mostly involving boobs), and he tells her that he is an actual painter of pictures but has been blocked for about a year. She's found the solution, though, because after two dates without sex, he starts painting. After the third date (and many drinks), she'd really like to have sex but he goes home to paint instead. She comes over and finds the painting (it's of her), and ends up posing nude so that he can finish her ... hands.
Orson and Bree are so successful in business together that it turns them on and they have sex in the test kitchen (I know: ew!), and then a disgruntled employee steals their surveillance camera and catches a couple having sex. Luckily, Andrew hires some bikers to get the tape back, and spares the world an Orson-Bree YouTube tape. But Andrew watches it (And again: ew!) and tells Bree and Orson to do the same. Turns out it's Mike and Katherine. (One last time: ew!) Bree takes the video to Katherine and lectures her about doing this to Susan, because they're women. Apparently it's okay for men to sleep with their friends' exes. Who knew? Katherine plays stupid and doesn't listen, and shows up at Mike's again later.
In our mystery plot, Creepy Dave continues to be uber-creepy about the garage band, but no one seems to notice. They just think he's really into the band. I'm sure it's just their extra-large egos making them think anyone could care this much about this ridiculous band. Mrs. McCluskey goes to live with her sister, Lily Tomlin, who is supposed to be a bad-ass. We know this because of the weird leather conductor's hat, which serves to make her look creepier than Creepy Dave. Anyway, they get Creepy Dave's phone records and call the number that calls him once a month, the hospital, trying to find out what's up. The doctor calls them out on how illegal what they're doing is, and they end up revealing Dave's whereabouts. Before the end of the episode, the doctor's booked a flight to Fairview. I smell trouble.
What would happen if they jumped another five years ahead? We've got an idea what it would look like. Come back on Tuesday for our full weecap.
First off, thanks to Zach for filling in last week so that I could take a nice, long relaxing weekend. And also thanks to all of the doctors who have Gale Harold recovering. I can't believe I haven't mentioned that before now, but I have definitely been thinking positive thoughts and wishing the best for him (and for me, since I will not enjoy weecapping this nearly as much if he's not in an episode).
Previously: Susan and Jackson decided to start over. (It's so simple! Problems just go away!) Gaby was upset that Carlos was giving a massage client orgasms until the woman flashed her money (and dresses) at Gaby. Katherine hooked up with Mike. Lynette caught Tom in what looked like a compromising situation with Anne, but it was really Tom who caught Preston with her -- except Tom didn't know who he caught Preston with, just that he'd been having sex in the band's rehearsal space. I think practice is officially ruined for Tom, by the way.
Title cards tell us this is "That Same Night," and "Five Minutes Later." At the Scavo house. There's a slight misunderstanding. Lynette thinks Tom's having an affair with Anne. Tom returns from the garage and tells Lynette it was a false alarm at the restaurant. She calls him a liar, and he plays dumb. Which, technically, Tom, you're lying to her either way, so cool it with the innocent act, would you? Lynette says she followed him to warehouse and knows everything. When people say they know "everything" to other people on TV or movies, there is almost always a misunderstanding and then we get the fun conversations that follow. This one's a perfect example. First, Tom laughs and grabs a beer. Lynette's like, "I'm going to need a little more than that." He tells her she's right, and he shouldn't have kept this from her -- and, for what it's worth, he wanted to bring her in on it, but thought she'd overreact. She's shocked that that's what he's afraid of. He tells her to face it: Boys will be boys, and then asks if she's really surprised. He says this isn't the first time this has happened, and won't be the last. She says she's going to have to kill him now. Tom's like, "He's your son, too." She asks what he's talking about, and Tom says he found out Porter's been hooking up with some girl at the band's rehearsal space. Just then Porter walks in, and Lynette stands up and says, "You're having sex with your best friend's mother?" Tom stands up, too, shocked. [I'm actually glad that misunderstanding was resolved as quickly as it was. For some reason, I imagined it being drawn out forever, because Lynette is stubborn and Tom is a dimwit. - Zach]
Mrs. McCluskey and her hardcore sister, Lily Tomlin... er, Roberta, are talking about those phone records they teased us with at the end of last week's episode. Roberta's looked into them and has found a pattern. Creepy Dave gets a string of calls around the first of every month from a number in Boston. All short. He calls back a few days later, and he's calling a Boston hospital, the office of a psychiatrist, Dr. Samuel Heller. Mrs. McC doesn't see the "big whoop" in Creepy Dave talking to a shrink, but Roberta shows her that Dr. Heller specializes in treating the "criminally insane." Yeah, Roberta, tell Mrs. McC and us something that we don't already know.
Gaby's lounging on a floaty chair in Mrs. Hildebrandt's pool drinking margaritas, while Carlos sits by the pool with a scowl and the girls play. Mrs. H comes out to tell the girls that the chef is taking fresh-baked cookies out of the oven. They run inside. And Carlos and Gaby, not grasping the concept of "oven," let their kids run inside to the scalding hot cookies. The parenting on these two is really something. Mrs. H tells Gaby and Carlos how nice it is to hear the sound of children's laughter. She asks them to stay the weekend. Gaby'd love to, though Carlos tries to make excuses not to: It's Celia's birthday party on Sunday, and he doesn't have a change of clothes. The women come up with solutions to both of these, and Carlos has nothing. Mrs. H goes inside to get the servant to make another margarita for Gaby. When she's gone, Carlos tells her he doesn't feel comfortable with this, but she wants the lobster dinner. She tells Carlos to "look at this place," and he tells her the pitch black here is the same. He wants professional distance, but Gaby wants to be the human contact that Mrs. H is longing for. When the servant comes out with the margarita, Gaby gets way too into this rich life and makes him walk into the pool fully clothed to bring the drink to her.
Creepy Dave arrives late at band practice, and tells the guys he booked them a gig: "Battle of the Bands at the White Horse!" Tom points out that you have to audition for Battle of the Bands, but Creepy Dave says they don't thanks to Edie's real estate buddy's husband, who owns the club. The guys are all excited to play an actual gig. Creepy Dave says they have to really rehearse their covers and write one original song. Orson and Tom know nothing about songwriting, so Creepy Dave says he and Mike will write something. Mike has plans later, though. He won't say what his plans are or who they're with other than to say, "It's not Susan. Also, get lives." Creepy Dave says he's just happy Mike's having fun.
The whole Solis family's in one room of Mrs. H's house watching Surf's Up when Mrs. H walks in to see if they needed anything. But then she pretends to really be into animated movies and sits on the end of the bed to watch. When Gaby tells her she can't see through her back, Mrs. H apologizes and -- I kid you not -- crawls right into bed with Carlos and Gaby. Right under the covers and everything. It's completely bizarre, and Carlos whispers to Gaby, "Did she just crawl...?" Gaby says, "Oh, yeah." And Mrs. H claps and laughs at the TV.
Susan's getting drunk as she regales Jackson with ridiculous stories of stuffing her bra right before she got real boobs and then was voted prom queen. Jackson offers to refill her drink, and while he's up he turns on some sexy music. She sees what he's up to and tells him to cool it, because there's no sex until the fourth date. He tells her she just looks so hot in these pants and her hair smells good and then he gets desperate and says, "Look, I made you dinner, come on!" Like a little boy not getting his way. He braised beef and everything. She's very sad he only braised it to "boink" her. And I am very sad she used the word "boink." She wants to get to know each other better, but he's not sure that knowing she was sent to a therapist in the fifth grade for chewing her hair is helping their relationship. She doesn't like him making light of something that was so hard to share, so she leaves. Instead of what she was going to do: let him feel her up over her blouse. As she leaves, he rolls his eyes and falls back on the couch, and I can't help thinking he is just so much too good for her. I guess love is blind, though, because he is actually thinking that he'll run into his painting room and start painting again. Oh, and I'm glad he isn't realizing he's too good for her, because he needs to stay on this show so that I can see him every week. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. [Eh. - Z]
Some sort of generic parents' meeting in a generic school library. Anne Schilling is looking for volunteers to help her chaperone the junior prom. But with chaperones like Anne, who needs statutory rapists? Nobody volunteers to help Anne, so she stands up to make a plea. She tells them how important this is, because if parents don't keep an eye on the children, they're sure to get in trouble. Lynette can't stand it and gets up and walks to the bathroom. Anne comes in a little later and tries to make small talk. Lynette's clearly too disgusted to even pretend interest, and then Anne asks how the family is and Lynette throws her into the metal paper towel holder. It's awesome and looks painful, and I really hoped it would leave a dent, but it doesn't. Anne apologizes, but adds that she loves Porter. Lynette slaps her and tells her that she loves him, too, and if Anne ever touches him again, she'll find out just how much. Then Lynette leaves the bathroom, leaving her purse on the counter, which frustrates me. I'm sure she went back to collect it later, right?
Orson is wiping the counter when Bree comes in. He hired someone to replace Charlie, and this girl comes with a strong recommendation from her father, who heads the local FBI office. And they're also Mormon. Bree couldn't be more pleased with her husband's performance. Bree has good news, too: The Christian Reader published a review of her cookbook, and it's a rave, all about her upstanding values and sinfully delicious recipes. They're both happy with how great it's been working together. He says the hardest part is keeping his hands off her and starts kissing her, then puts her on the counter. She requests an oven mitt as a pillow, and then the scene ends. But they presumably continue to have sex all over the religions mentioned earlier in the scene. How very subversive of you, show.
Gaby goes to wake her girls in the morning, and they're coloring all over the walls in the room they slept in. She's horrified, but Mrs. H comes in and tells Gaby it's fine, that they're just doing an art project; she told the girls to decorate however they wanted. Gaby asks why she'd want to ruin her beautiful room, but Mrs. H says it's not her room anymore; it's Juanita and Celia's. She's getting a new TV and bunkbeds and will have it ready by the time they're there weekend. Gaby says she and Carlos have plans, but Mrs. H says she'll send a car for the girls, and asks the girls what they think. They're in, and Juanita says, "Thank you, Mrs. Hildebrandt." Mrs. H asks what she told them, and Juanita says, "Thank you, Grandma." And Mrs. H officially becomes Grandma Nutjob. Weirdest moment ever.
Gaby agrees, as she's currently telling Carlos they're leaving now. He asks how they'll get out after saying they'd stay all weekend. She says he should tell Grandma Nutjob he has some blind thing to go to. It's always nice to have a disabled spouse that you can use for such purposes. Carlos points out they need to be careful because of her pull at the country club, and the Europe trip. Gaby says they're not going, but Carlos says they need the $100,000. He says he'll tell her they have to shop for Celia's party.
Porter's meeting Anne in secret in the park. She starts crying and says she doesn't know what to do. He wants to help. She says it's all a mess, and Porter assumes his mom did something like call Mr. Schilling. She says no, and he asks her to spill it. So she does: She's pregnant. He doesn't run away screaming. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.
At the test kitchen, Katherine asks if she can leave early, and Bree lets her go. Andrew walks in as she's leaving, and tells Bree and Orson that Charlie stole the surveillance tape after finding out what the "concrete evidence" Bree spoke of was. Bree wants to press charges, but Andrew tells them the surveillance tape was also a sex tape, according to Charlie. Andrew asks if they have any idea who it might be, and Orson's "Oh, dear God," elicits a "Yep, I kinda thought so" from Andrew. Bree's confused, because she turned the camera off. Orson says he turned it off, too, while she was looking for the olive oil. Kinky! And messy. Bree says they need the tape back, and Andrew says Charlie wants $2,000 for it, or he'll post it on YouTube. Bree refuses to pay blackmail to someone who's stolen from them twice. Bree reminds Andrew of all of the lessons she's taught him in life and tells him to forget them all and do whatever's necessary to get the tape back. Andrew's all, "So, carte blanche?" And Orson tells him they're not condoning arson or violence, but Bree cuts him off and tells him not to cramp Andrew's style. I like Bree so much more this episode than I have all season. Evil, non-rule-following Bree is so much more fun than the cold, rigid mental patient we usually see.
A bunch of kids and parents are at Celia's birthday party, as she's making her wish. We (and Gaby) see Grandma Nutjob pull up. Gaby runs out to greet her. She says she came to give Celia her birthday gift, but she can't give it to Gaby, because she was going to take her shopping for an exquisite antique doll, so she'll wait until the party's over. Gaby doesn't want Grandma Nutjob driving off with Celia, so Grandma Nutjob invites her, too. Gaby runs out of polite and tells Grandma Nutjob to knock off the creepy, clingy routine. It's only been three days. Gaby tells her she's been too generous, because the family isn't for sale. Grandma Nutjob gets evil and says Gaby isn't the first greedy bitch who's tried to bleed her dry and then wash her hands of her. Gaby tells her to get off her property, right as Carlos walks out and asks what's going on. Grandma Nutjob tells him she came to buy Celia a doll, and he just heard Gaby's response. He tries to apologize, but Grandma Nutjob says it's too late. She clearly doesn't watch this show or she'd know better than to hold Gaby against Carlos. Gaby's crazy and unstable. You can't blame Carlos for that. At least not any more.
Jackson is dropping Susan off after their third date, and she's very drunk this time. She quizzes him about her childhood, and he gets it right. Then she asks what time it is, and he says the actual time. She says he's wrong; it's sex time, and she jumps on him. He rejects her, and reminds her no sex until the fourth date. She tries hard, but he's firm, and when he leaves he kisses her on the forehead. I know this is just because he wants to go home and finish the painting, but I love that he's finally the one doing the rejecting here. I wanted this relationship to be more equal, because it didn't make sense to me he'd pine over her and she'd be all cool about it. This is clingy, kooky, Desperate Susan, after all. And he's Brian freaking Kinney.
Back at Grandma Nutjob's, she's gone completely evil. She's on the phone with the country club telling them that Carlos touched her inappropriately during her last massage, and that type of behavior is a liability the club can't afford. Man, she is evil. Also, Frances Conroy looks different, like she developed a lazy eye or something between Six Feet Under and now? Or is it just me? Or did I just not notice it back then? Or is it something she's affecting to play Grandma Nutjob?
Mrs. McC is calling Dr. Heller, pretending she's an insurance company trying to get information on an applicant, one Dave Williams. Dr. Heller plays dumb about Creepy Dave, so Roberta gets on the phone and says she's the supervisor. He's still not buying it, and asks if she knows what she's doing is illegal. She explains that they live in Fairview and Creepy Dave is creeping everyone out. Dr. Heller's like, "You're in Fairview?" He pretends he wants to know everything before contacting the federal authorities. Roberta hangs up, and the ladies start drinking.
Andrew comes in with the tape and says he paid some bikers in beer to get it back. [Was one of them Lily Tomlin? - Z] They're going to destroy the disc, but Andrew tells them they may want to watch it. I am so disturbed by the fact that Andrew would watch this before returning it. Because... why? What reason would anyone ever have to watch either or both of their parents have sex? And that's what he thought he'd be getting when he queued it up, so ew. Andrew is disgusting. He claims he had to make sure it was the right disc, but... yeah, yeah, yeah, mom's assistant details. Bree turns around and can't watch. Orson tells her it's not them, and she turns around. It's Katherine and Mike. And Andrew would like them to know he's never eating anything that comes out of the test kitchen again. Oh, come on, Andrew! You know how well your mom cleans, don't you?
Commercials. Can Adam Sandler and his Mohawk and his man-child act and ridiculously fake voice go away now, please? And somehow adding Rob Lowe in bed just makes it worse. [Seriously, the target audience for Bedtime Stories is people who watch Brothers and Sisters? Hellboy on Inside the Actor's Studio this is not. - Zach]
Susan shows up at Jackson's place while he's painting. So, presumably that same night. I hope she called a cab. She comes in wearing a long white coat, and takes it off to reveal a sexy maid outfit without the skirt. He tells her he's kind of busy right now. She notices the paint on his face (she missed that his shirt is covered in it, apparently) and asks if he's painting again. He says not having sex for a few days kind of got his juices flowing (that's really what he said, and I'm not even going to touch it), and he needs to finish. She's so happy for him that she'd like to celebrate by having sex. She runs in to see the picture to find out how close he is to sex time. He tries to stop her, but it's too late. She sees a painting of a very serious and red-faced Susan. She tells him she's seen that look on her face before, in the mirror (as opposed to seeing it when she watches herself walk down the street, you know), when she's feeling... but she doesn't finish the thought. I think because no one really knew where to go with this. She asks how he knows about that look, and he says he knows a lot about her. He tells her that her cheeks get red when people say she's pretty, and that she gets teary when she talks about her grandfather (that makes me sad, because mine do, too), and that when she's really sad she gets that beautiful, haunted look that she tries to shake off before anyone sees it. She can't believe she thought he didn't know her. Wow, Susan was wrong about something? That never happens! They kiss, but he still needs to finish painting her hands, so he asks her to pose naked (for hands?), and she happily obliges. Offscreen, of course.
Bree shows up at Katherine's to give her the tape. Katherine's very apologetic about doing that in the kitchen, but Bree quickly brushes past that because she lives in a glass house. But she's not going to brush past the fact that this is Mike, and that Mike is Susan's ex-husband, and that Susan is Katherine's oldest friend on this street. Katherine says that Susan divorced him and is seeing someone else. While Katherine might not know it, technically, Susan tried to get Mike not to sign the papers, so he technically divorced her. Katherine asks why Mike can't do the same, and Bree says it's because they're women, and they don't do that to each other. I don't think that men do that to their friends, either, by the way. But what do I know? [Well, they at least ask. - Z] Katherine thinks it's okay, because she's been alone for five years, and she's in a relationship, and is having the time of her life. Bree tells her to be careful, and that she'd hate to see it end badly. See, now, those rules are rules that I support Bree pushing. Why can't we always have this softer, kinder Bree?
Lynette knocks on Porter's door to let him know breakfast is ready. She goes in the room and tells him she gets why he's hating her right now. He says he doesn't hate her. She just keeps going, though, telling him that one day he'll meet someone more appropriate, who wants the same things out of life. She says that she hopes he'll see where she's coming from then. He gets and takes a phone call. It's Anne, but Porter pretends it's Gary. Anne says she can leave town Saturday and asks if he has the money. He says "No problem." She says she loves him, and he sighs heavily, and they both hang up. He shakes his head ever-so-slightly. He then tells his mom that he knows where she's coming from and he wants her and Tom to know how much he appreciates everything they've done. She says, "Good," and that she'll see him downstairs. He reaches under his bed and pulls out the box of money. The first time I watched this, I read it as he's definitely leaving with Anne, but upon second viewing, I'm not so sure. I think there are a couple other options: 1. They're leaving town to have an abortion. 2. He's giving her money to leave on her own to get away from her violent husband (this could explain the head shake and him telling Lynette he knows where she's coming from).
Mary Alice starts to talk about desire: Porter's for Anne, causing him to make foolish choices. Grandma Nutjob's for family, causing her to act out in anger. Katherine's for Mike (and to not be lonely), causing her to behave recklessly. And the doctor's for Mike. We know this as he books his flight to Fairview. The key, I think, is in Mary Alice's exact words: "And when the pursuit of our heart's desire becomes an obsession, the best we can hope for is a caring friend willing to come along... and stop us." So, Dr. Heller clearly knows what Creepy Dave's up to in Fairview and has to get there to stop him from doing whatever it is he's going to do to Mike.
week: Gaby wants "Grandma Screwloose" out of their lives, but Carlos tells her they're her sole heirs. Not worth it. In any way. Lynette asks Anne if she's really pregnant, and Mr. Schilling hears it and isn't happy. But he doesn't seem angry or violent. Julie's here, and she's apparently dating Steven Weber, but Susan doesn't want her to be someone's fourth wife. A reporter hates Bree, because she thinks Bree's a sham. Then a fire breaks out on stage during Battle of the Bands. We see Carlos and Mike both fall to the ground, and then see Edie telling a firefighter that her husband's inside and he has to go back in there. Ooh, the drama. Will Creepy Dave die? I'm thinking not, unless they want to wrap up his mystery and start a new one in one episode. Though if they could somehow kill him off and make the doctor the new mystery, I'd be impressed.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see when the Housewives were at their most Desperate in our rundown of their Most Regrettable Movie Roles!
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.