Previously: Jackson wanted to elevate things with Susan, who didn't want to. Bree hired Orson as partner, because he pretty much forced her to. And Creepy Dave messed with Mrs. McCluskey's stuff to drive her into a rage at her surprise party, where she hit the cake with a bat.
Carlos is getting big tips at work because he gave Mrs. Hildebrandt (played by Frances Conroy) an orgasm. Gaby finds out, and wants them to end their professional relationship, but Mrs. H. says it was only the once, and that Carlos is one of her few friends. In fact, she wants to bring Carlos on a two-month trip to Europe, and she's even willing to bring Gaby and the kids along if Gaby will be her personal shopper at the major fashion houses. Carlos would get $50K a month, but for some reason Gaby's payment would be in dresses. Of course, Gaby is totally fine with that. Orgasms for everybody!
Lynette catches Tom with a dishy blonde, but it turns out she's just a real estate agent mom of one of Porter's friends, and she's showing Tom a rehearsal space for rent. Then, when Lynette sees the blonde realtor leaving said space in a hurry one night, she gets the totally wrong idea. If she'd hung around, she would have seen that Porter was the one hooking up with the realtor, and Tom was merely giving him a talking-to, not realizing who his mystery date was. Lynette packs a suitcase, oblivious to the reality... or to the fact that her recent attempts to seduce her own son via IM were probably partly to blame for this.
Susan hires a new painter for her house, and he apparently doubles as a therapist, because he tells her not to let Jackson go. She then heads to Jackson's with hot wings, only to find a girl he met at the club that night in his shower. He turns up at her place the day to apologize, and Susan wishes they could start over, so he leaves and sets up a dinner date over the phone. Yes, it's just that easy!
Orson has not only scored an 80-person catering gig via an old college roommate, he has apparently gotten a hold of Katherine's to-do list, because he's done all of her kitchen tasks, leaving her feeling like a third wheel with no romantic prospects. So when Bree set Katherine up to prepare a "sample dinner" for Orson's old roommate, she thinks she's doing her a favor... until Orson reveals that he lied, and the guy was a former cellmate, as in prison. Too late to stop Katherine from bedding the convicted organ trafficker, Bree breaks the news to her the following morning, apologizing and asking Katherine not to move to Maryland, because they're like sisters. Katherine is distraught, but agrees to stick around -- heck, she even invites Mike over for some lemonade after his date goes bad.
Speaking of sisters, we meet Mrs. McCluskey's, a biker chick played by Lily Tomlin. After Mrs. McC tells Bree an overdose of new medication was to blame for her outburst and that she's all better, she turns around and asks her sis to use her cell phone company job to pull Creepy Dave's records. They'd better move quick, though, because Dave has revealed to Edie that he once had a drug-dealing brother who was killed in prison by a fellow inmate, and that the inmate was found innocent of the crime, served the remainder of his sentence and was released. Unless Orson had a rougher time in jail than we thought, or there's another ex-con on Wisteria Lane (hey, why not?), Dave seems to be gunning for bandmate Mike, and he's already set up an extra Saturday rehearsal...
week: Susan and Jackson skip ahead to the good stuff, and Lynette kicks some realtor ass.
Hi, all -- Zach here. I'm filling in for DeAnn this week, so please forgive me if I point out ridiculous things about this show that recappers have already made fun of to death. Since I started watching last season, I find myself enjoying this show more than I ever thought humanly possible, proving that some good television is universal, once you get by any preferences in subject matter. (This is not a show I would have even considered watching two years ago.) Let's get started!
Previously: Jackson wanted to elevate things with Susan, who didn't want to, so he asked her if seeing him with another woman would bother her. She said no. (Remember that.) Bree hired Orson as partner, because he pretty much forced her to, and Katherine looked upset. And Creepy Dave messed with snooping Mrs. McCluskey's stuff to drive her into a rage at her surprise birthday party, where she hit the cake with a bat. Which is too bad, because it looked pretty tasty. Of course, Dave brought it, so... cake-eater beware, I guess.
We see Carlos happily rubbing his hands together as Mary Alice voice-overs that, as a masseuse, Carlos is good at making his customers happy. We see his hands at work on happy ladies' shoulders, each of whom seem to be enjoying the relaxation aids Carlos has provided: one gets scented candles, another new-age music and a third apple Schnapps. Ironically, none of those are in play when he gives one of his clients, Virginia Hildebrandt, what appears to be a body-racking orgasm. We don't see her "O" face, or hear anything, but we can see from Carlos' face that he knows what's going on. Pulling the dirty, dirty sheets off of the massage table afterwards, he asks fellow masseur Clay if he's ever given a client aun petit mort. Despite having been a masseur for 14 years, Clay is incredulous, as he can't even give his girlfriend one, and he's really trying. Carlos says he just touched her back, and Clay points out that not everything is still where it's supposed to be on old broads. You know, because sometimes the genitals end up in the shoulder area. Clay checks Carlos' tip envelope, and find that it has $300 in it. Clay reveals that that's enough for two orgasms, but unless he's paying for his girlfriend to get them elsewhere, it doesn't sound like he has any reason to know what the going rate is. When Carlos gets home, Mary Alice VOs that he knows how to make women happy, and in order to keep his wife happy, he needs to lie. So when Gaby finds $300 in his envelope, he quips that he's "good at his job."
In the company office, Bree and Katherine are hard at work on calculators and computers when Orson proudly marches in. It seems he was talking to his old friend Peter Hickey -- "a friend from college" he mumbles, when asked -- and Orson scored them the gig of catering Peter's parents 50th wedding anniversary month. Bree is unimpressed until she hears that it's dinner for 80, and then gets really excited, although I imagine that's a pretty standard size for the events they cater. Bree is proud that he's bringing in big accounts, but Katherine seems resentful, so she heads down to the kitchen to marinate scallops. Orson stops her, saying it was taken care of, as well as making the pesto mayonnaise and putting the cobblers in the somethingorothers. Bree gives Katherine the rest of the day off, and when Katherine asks, "And do what?" Bree suggests a pedicure. Katherine smiles, says "What do you bet that when I take my socks off, Orson's done it for me?" Bree looks stunned, but Orson has a sly smile, like maybe he really has somehow painted Katherine's nails without her knowledge. Soon, Bree finds Katherine in the kitchen, cleaning the refrigerator unnecessarily. Bree asks what she's doing, and Katherine says she's thinking of moving to Maryland, to be grandmother to Dylan's soon-to-be-born baby. She's sad because all she has is her job -- no family, no love life, no sex in two years -- so she might as well be a grandma. She needs work to keep her mind off of things, so Bree jauntily tells her to clean the stove , but looks sad about it after. Ah, well, she'll feel better when she sees the clean oven.
Edie visits Mrs. McCluskey in the hospital with flowers, then reveals that she is furious at her for coming at Dave with a bat like that. Mrs. McC apologizes, and tells her she was taking new medication, and it was making her loopy. Edie forgives her, and Mrs. M says she's feeling tired, so Edie says she'll see her at home. Mrs. McC says she'll be staying at her sister's for a while, but tells Edie to apologize to Dave for her. Edie says he'll be glad to hear she's fine, because he's fond of her. Once Edie leaves, a not-at-all-tired Mrs. McC gets her sister on the phone and tells her to get over there, pronto. Time for some black ops!
In her office, Bree (who has her book cover as her desktop) meets Orson's friend Peter when he comes by to talk business. He seems hesitant when Bree brings up how he knows Orson, but agrees that Orson's story is completely true without embellishing, which is not at all suspicious. Saying he wants to throw a surprise family reunion for his parents, Bree says "How thoughtful," and then looks at a picture of Katherine holding a cake -- which may have been a candid shot, but certainly looks like it would make a good book cover. With scheming music playing, Bree asks about the venue (he has a summer place nearby with a terrace that seats 80, and Bree is impressed) then fishes to find out whether he's married. (He is not.) She then makes up story about how, after they go over the menu, she usually has her top chef put together a sample dinner for their clients. Cut to Katherine looking skeptical of the new policy, and even more skeptical when she realizes she's being set up on a catering-gig-cum-blind-date. Bree points out that technically it's for work, so it has all of the upsides of a date and none of the risks. Katherine refuses to dress up or flirt, but then Bree plays a video message that she somehow convinced Peter to record for Orson on her iPhone, as if this was Star Trek, and everyone has video phones, and it's the most natural thing in the world. Did Bree refuse to pass along a message or something? Regardless, it works. Katherine asks why Bree didn't lead with this.
The hospitalized Mrs. McC awakens to a cloud of smoke being intentionally blown into her face by her sister, Roberta, who's played by Lily Tomlin. Roberta is wearing black leather, a leopard print top and one of those hats bikers have been wearing since The Wild One. She smokes in hospitals, has bourbon in her coffee and seems to generally be a bad-ass, judging by the fact that she immediately volunteers to "clean [Dave's] clock" and reminds her sister that the last guy Karen thought was dangerous, that biker in Florida, now has to puree all his food. "That was a fun vacation," Karen reminisces. She tells Roberta that she wants Dave to think she's out of commission, and asks her if she still works at that cell phone company, Teleshore, which Dave coincidentally subscribes to. Karen reading other people's mail reminds Roberta of their mom, and Mrs. McCluskey and her sister (and their mom) are now my favorite characters in all of modern fiction, a position sealed after we find out Roberta snuck Karen a beer. Roberta agrees to pull Dave's phone records at her job. After all, she doesn't care, she doesn't have to -- she's the phone company.
Susan stops by Jackson's with a container of hot wings -- man, she knows how to win a guy over -- and enters the apartment to hear him (okay, someone) in the shower. She instantly strips down, checks herself in the mirror, and yanks open the shower curtain like a naked Norman Bates, which is a sure way to both give and receive a heck of a surprise. Unfortunately, it's not Jackson in the shower, but Janet Leigh, or rather someone who does a damn good Janet Leigh impression before squirting shampoo into Susan's eyes. Susan was already screaming, but she screams even louder once the shampoo (which is not Johnson & Johnson's No Tears baby formula) hits her retinas, and flails about like a madwoman, striking Janet Leigh through the now-closed shower curtain and knocking the poor woman unconscious. Susan ponders how many states away she should be when Janet comes to.
After the commercials, Susan is dressed once again in her see-through shirt, and Janet -- excuse me, Darcy -- is wearing a robe and holding an icepack to her head. Susan calls herself Jackson's girlfriend, and Darcy says he never mentioned a girlfriend when he picked her up at the club that night. Susan points out that guys usually don't mention their girlfriend when they're trolling for sluts, and Jackson shows up with pizza just in time to avert a throwdown. He asks why Susan's there, and she says she wanted to talk about their future, which Jackson was under the impression they didn't have. She pretty much agrees with him, and leaves, taking the hot wings. Too bad -- they would have gone well with the pizza.
Gaby stops by Carlos' work looking for him, but instead finds Clay and tells him about Mrs. Hildebrandt's job offer. Not accurately assessing how much Gaby knows, Clay mentions the orgasm, and Gaby flips out. She wants to see Carlos, but it turns out Mrs. H has been sending a car for Carlos every day to bring him to her place. Gaby gets the address out of Clay and goes to kill one or both of them, and asks Clay to alibi her. Not sure that's happening, although he seems very afraid of her.
Jackson shows up at Susan's and wants to talk. Susan says she can't, she has the mailman in her bathtub. Jackson is mad because he can't win with her. Susan says that she's been married twice, and love just doesn't work out with her. Jackson says he never even had a real girlfriend before Susan, and the minute he tried to commit, he got shot down. Jackson doesn't know where they are now, and Susan says she wishes they could start over without all the baggage. She asks Jackson: Can they? Jackson walks out. Susan is sad, but then the phone rings. Jackson is calling from the porch, introducing himself and asking her out to dinner at a Mexican -- no, French place. It's a date! Awww. I wonder how long they can keep this up.
Gaby shows up at the luxurious Hildebrandt house. The maid asks who she is, and Gaby says she's the wife of the man who "rubs her boss." The maid has her wait in the sitting room (or is that sit in waiting room?), but once she leaves, Gaby goes upstairs to snoop, and finds Mrs. H being made happy, if the moans are any indication. Hiding behind a screen, Gaby is spotted in a mirror by Mrs. H, who asks Carlos to step outside for a moment so she can make a call. Once Carlos is gone, Gaby confronts Mrs. H and tells her she knows about the "Big O." Mrs. H is embarrassed that Carlos could tell, but says it was just the once, and that with all of her children grown and her husband dead, he's helped her know happiness for the first time in a while. When Gaby still wants to end things, Mrs. H invites her to tour the fashion houses of Europe with her as her personal shopper, and even says to bring the kids. "Think of all the fun we'll have dressing them up!" Finding a dress in Juanita's size? Yeah, that sounds like fun. Didn't you see how much trouble you had finding her a princess costume? But Gaby is powerless in the face of haute couture and agrees. Mrs. H calls Carlos back in (he has no idea Gaby is anywhere near the place) and bids Gaby adieu with a strange smile. Is she being less than truthful with Gaby? Quelle surprise!
Whoopi Goldberg and the Black Panthers on Life on Mars? Hmm. May need to watch that one. I loves me some Black Panthers. And "The Black Panther," but that's a different story.
Creepy Dave wants to show Edie something, and Edie says that if it's a cat eating spaghetti, she's seen it. No, it's Dave's professionally designed logo for band T-shirts: Blue Odyssey. It was the name of Dave's brother's band in college. Edie says she never knew he had a brother, and Dave tells her that his name was Steve, and he got caught up in drugs. He went to prison and was killed by a fellow inmate. The court ruled it self-defense, and the perp served out his sentence and was released. Edie is surprised she never heard it, and suggests that he talk about these things. Dave says he has his own way of dealing with things... And it apparently involves getting T-shirts made!
Orson comes home with his enormous keyboard shoulder bag slung over one shoulder, and proudly proclaims that he's going to be singing lead vocals on Hotel California. Man, that band's all over the musical map! Bree asks if there was a blue convertible in front of Katherine's and Orson says yes. Bree is please that it's still there, because that means the date she set up between Katherine and a client is going well. Orson apparently can't keep track of all of the clients, and doesn't know what kind of car Peter drives, because it isn't until Bree actually says Peter's name that he freezes. It turns out Peter Hickey wasn't Orson's roommate, he was his cellmate. In jail. Bree gets very indignant, calling him a felon and asking if he's a murderer or rapist, and Orson tries to assuage her concerns -- even though he, too, is a felon, and is also a very nice person. Besides, Peter was only in for organ trafficking. And he only took organs from dead people. Bree calls Katherine, but it's too late. They've had sex and Peter's gone to sleep. Katherine says it's the most magical night she's had in a long time, and asks Bree to please not take that away from her by being judgmental. Bree decides not to say anything, except when Katherine says if she's not careful, Peter could steal her heart! That one calls for a witty response.
Katherine arrives the morning to find Bree making cosmopolitans. At 10 a.m. She asks Katherine to have one, and then she apparently breaks the news to her, because after a cutaway, Katherine is distraught, and asking if he at least paid the homeless people well after he took their kidneys. Bree apologizes, and Katherine decides to go to Maryland. She can't stand being around Bree and Orson, who are apparently an adorably happy couple now, and says she liked it a lot more when Bree was in the same boat as her. She wants to be with family, and not jumping into bed with "the first pancreas thief who kisses her." Bree says that Katherine is family to her; she's always wanted a sister -- a competitive, argumentative sister -- and if Katherine left, she would be very unhappy. Katherine wouldn't want that. But she does want another cosmo. Bree says no.
At the Scavos', Tom asks Lynette if Porter is still at Kirby's. He seems concerned. Then he says he thinks he left the freezer door open at the pizzeria and heads out. Lynette seems confused. At the rehearsal space, Anne Schilling is on the futon, wrapped in nothing but a sheet, and says she didn't think he'd make it. Cut to... Porter getting dressed after having sex with his friend's mom! He hears the car door slam, and ushers Anne into the closet just as Tom comes in. Holding up the condom wrapper, Tom says he originally thought it was one of the band members, but then he remembered Porter had a key. He does? Why? Do you really want to give your son access to a private clubhouse where he can smoke and drink? He asks who the girl is, and Porter says it's a girl from English class. Because she doesn't have any clothes on, Tom gives Porter 60 seconds to get the girl out, and waits in the bathroom. Anne rushes out the front door as Lynette sits in her car across the street. She is understandably upset and drives off. She does not wait around to see if Tom comes out, which is really, really, unfortunate.
Back on Wisteria Lane, Katherine is out walking when Mike comes back from a disastrous date. He says she was grilling him the whole time, and that he just wants someone he can get coffee with. It's too late for coffee, so Katherine invites him in for lemonade, holding up a lemon. Please tell me she just came back from the corner store, and wasn't taking the lemon for a walk. Mike accepts, because when Dana Delaney offers you lemonade, you say yes.
Tom and Porter walk towards the house and Tom reiterates to him the he doesn't think he's emotionally ready for sex. Porter says he heard him. Hey, where's Preston, anyway? Did he die? Did Porter kill him? Porter offers to put the car cover on the convertible, but once Tom is inside, he runs to Mrs. Schilling's car up the street and makes out with her. According to Mary Alice, she is a dangerous woman, blind to the consequences of her actions.
Also dangerous: wives enraged by betrayal, as illustrated by Lynette packing a suitcase in her bedroom. Also also dangerous: Mrs. H, who is a predator, deviously setting a trap. Also also also dangerous: the McCluskey sisters, who have Creepy Dave's phone records. Dave is apparently keeping a secret, and Mary Alice suggests he run for his life. Good advice, otherwise he'll end up pureeing all his food.
week: Susan and Jackson skip ahead to the good stuff, Orson has sex with Bree in the company kitchen, Mrs. H climbs into bed with Gaby and Carlos, and Lynette kicks some realtor ass.