Previouslies: Susan has the hots for her Little Doctor Friend, Danielle has the hots for Matthew, Gabby has it in for Sister Mary Hotpants, and Andrew runs down Mama Solis and Bree covers it up.
MAVO: "If there was one thing Edie Britt understood, it was the nature of war." Edie sits on her couch (nice white-with-black-polka-dot satin halter dress!), eating a huge slab of pie and watching a black and white war movie. Karl walks in and sits down to her, and they exchange a look. MAVO: "After two failed marriages and countless rocky romances, she had learned that love was a battlefield, and the easiest way to survive the carnage was total surrender." Wait, what? Edie Britt? Surrender? I find that hard to believe. But I'm too buttered up by the Pat Benatar reference to put up too much of a fight. Flashback: Edie, in her robe, standing in front of her fully stocked personal bar (oh gag, is that Appletini mix?). Edie waxes romantic about her desire for a trip to Rome. Karl, not looking up from his drink: "Vegas is cheaper." Edie petulantly throws another ice cube into her drink. Flashback two: Edie, holding a pair of Karl's boxers over his head, asks him to put his dirty laundry in the hamper. Karl, again distractedly (he's very busy writing in a tiny little book -- his diary?): "Can you do it, you're standing right there?" Edie crabbily throws his soiled underthing into the laundry basket. Flashback three: Edie tells Karl she has a "hankering for Chinese food," but Karl (staring deep into a glass...paperweight?) informs her that he's "so over rice" and he wants pizza instead. Edie throws the Chinese food menu into the trash. In short, Karl and Edie don't have the greatest communication skills, and also Karl has the attention span of maybe a sparrow. MAVO: "But the day comes for every soldier when she must take a stand and fight." Back in the now, Karl clickers the TV away from Edie's war movie and over to The Game. Edie tells Karl, "I want to watch my movie!" Karl, in the smooth tones of a practiced manipulator: "Edie. This is important to me." Edie tells him "fine," she has "stuff to do anyway," and then she marches into the bedroom. MAVO: "You see, when it came to men, Edie had a battle plan all her own." Edie comes downstairs -- wearing a black bra and panty set with a filmy, short, black, and fur-trimmed overthing. She unfurls two white silk ties and asks Karl if he has "five minutes for Edie?" He smiles wolfishly and races upstairs.
Karl, his shirt off now, comments on the tightness of Edie's tethers. Edie: "Yeah? Well, it's not fun if it's not tight." Karl laughs a delighted laugh, and then Edie suggests whipped cream, and he cackles and tells her she's "so bad." Edie, slipping out the door: "You have no idea."
“ Betty yells that Caleb may understand what he can and can't do, but that'll only last 'five minutes, then he forgets!' But...aren't newspapered windows suspicious as is? Especially in a neighborhood packed with busybodies and looky-loos? ”
Downstairs, Edie grabs a can of whipped cream and piles it onto her plate of pie. MAVO: "Yes, Edie Britt understood the nature of war." Edie sits back down on the couch, still wearing her seduction outfit, and changes the TV back to her movie. Upstairs, Karl is no longer laughing. "Edie," he yells crabbily, "it's been ten minutes! Where's the damned whipped cream?" Downstairs, Edie smiles and shovels pie into her face. MAVO: "She also knew that to the victor go the spoils."
MAVO does some babbling about the upstairs room at the Applewrong house, which, apparently, has the very best view of Wisteria Lane. "But unfortunately," MAVO tells us, "for the room's newest guest, the view was about to change...dramatically." Matthew covers our fine, fine view of Wisteria Lane with a sheet of newspaper. Downstairs, Betty comes home to discover Caleb sitting at the foot of the stairs, hugging a pillow. Betty, peeved to find Caleb unshackled yet again, cranks at Matthew for letting him go. Matthew explains that Caleb is going to be staying upstairs now, that the windows have all been papered over (so no one will be able to see Caleb), and Caleb has been schooled about how the newspaper on the windows can't be disturbed. Betty yells that Caleb may understand what he can and can't do, but that'll only last "five minutes, then he forgets!" But...aren't newspapered windows suspicious as is? Especially in a neighborhood packed with busybodies and looky-loos? Matthew: "We can protect him without treating him like an animal!" Betty sternly clarifies that she's protecting Caleb. Matthew puts his foot down: "He is NOT going back downstairs!" Betty, quietly: "Since when do you talk to me like that?" Matthew: "Since I share in the risk." And like a tick, the ominous music swells!
Gabby and Carlos are at church. I'm liking the side part, Gabs -- so much better than the anemic Farrah you've been trying so hard to rock lo these past many weeks. The lady sitting on the pew in front of them has a baby over her shoulder, and Gabby and Carlos are both smiling and cooing at the baby. Carlos: "She's adorable, isn't she?" Gabby, catching herself enjoying the baby, straightens up and says curtly, "She's okay." Carlos: "Ours would be gorgeous..." "Babies, babies, babies," Gabby snaps at him, "you sound like a broken record." Gabby invokes the miscarriage, and tells Carlos she needs time before she'll be ready to try again. Carlos: "Any idea when you'll be ready, you know, ballpark?" Gabby advises him to "enjoy the here and now": yes, their "marriage is back on track, life is good." Uh oh. Gabby has just paved the way for some serious derailing, what with that fate-tempting comment. And here it comes! Father Crowley announces that Sister Mary Hotpants is back from her African sojourn. (Wow, that two-month trip of hers really went by in a flash.) SMH comes up to the pulpit and Gabby yells (in church!), "Son of a bitch!" The congregation turns to stare at Gabby, and Gabby turns around and shushes the cute old lady sitting behind her. Carlos, mortified by Gabby's attempt to blame the blasphemous outburst on someone else, looks away, all embarrassed. Gabby is totally going to hell.
“ Matthew asks if Bree told anyone, but apparently all she did was 'leave messages on her friends' machines,' but they won't 'get details' until they come over for Poker Night later. Oh, Bree, you didn't even spill one bean? That was dumb! ”
Cut to Carlos, who is also on the phone. But he's not talking to Bree! (Yet another theme-y juxtaposition that at first glance seems meaningful but really isn't.) Gabby comes downstairs and asks the crestfallen Carlos, "Who was that?" It was Sister Mary Hotpants, calling to report that she's been relocated to Alaska! Gabby, nervously: "You're kidding me, why?" But apparently SMH doesn't know, the "diocese wouldn't even give her a reason." Gabby: "Bah! Vatican politics." Gabby sends Carlos -- who thinks he's "coming down with a migraine" -- up to bed, and then she pulls out the annulments pamphlet and frowns at it.
Susan's hanging out in the waiting room at the hospital. Finally Little Doctor Friend comes in and Susan informs him that they "need to talk." He's all distracted because he just got out of surgery, but Susan, who is super-annoyed, informs him that she's been waiting for three hours. So he comes over and sits down, and Susan launches into a speech which clearly she's been rehearsing in her head throughout her entire three-hour wait. She tells him about how, after he "stormed out" the other night, she started second-guessing herself. Susan: "I started to think, gee, you know, maybe I should just ignore my better interests and I should let Dr. Ron gut me like a fish." Little Doctor Friend tries to break in, but Susan is on a tear: "I mean why not? 'Cause all my life I have jumped through hoops to keep men from leaving, but I'm not doing it anymore, so...tough luck, pally. You just missed out on a good thing!" Susan punctuates the end of her diatribe with an embarrassing little air Zorro snap that's very "mom tries to make cool," and then she goes to leave. But LDF stops her and lets her in on a little secret: two hours ago, "flowers, champagne, and an apology note" were delivered to her house, only she missed them since she was stewing here at the hospital. LDF apologizes for putting their "relationship at risk," and then he gets SUPER-mushy: "I haven't felt this way about somebody in a long time. [He takes her hand.] Susan, I really like you. And because of that, I can't be your doctor. Let alone your surgeon." Duh. "I'll hate myself," he goes on, "if I lose you." Wow. He's mature! And so nice! If only they had better chemistry. Weird tinkling cradle music starts up, and Susan totally forgives him, and then she, in turn, apologizes for the "snap thing." As well she should.
Matthew walks up to the neighborhood gazebo and Danielle's there, waiting for him. Flirtily she asks him if he's "hiding someone" in his house? She hands him Bree's old newspaper and explains how her mom saw someone at the Applewrongs' house, and how she's convinced the person they're hiding is the guy who broke into the Solis's house. Matthew, upset: "Damn it, Caleb!" Danielle eagerly asks, "Is that his name?" Matthew asks if Bree told anyone, but apparently all she did was "leave messages on her friends' machines," but they won't "get details" until they come over for Poker Night later. Oh, Bree, you didn't even spill one bean? That was dumb! Matthew, frantic, starts muttering about how they're going to have to leave town tonight. Danielle: "If you trust me, I could help you. My family has secrets, too." Matthew explains that what his "brother did...it's bad." Danielle, eagerly and also sex-kittenishly: "Last year, my brother did something really awful, and my parents covered it up for him. If anyone were to find out, Andrew and my mom could go to jail." Oooooh, Danielle! She gets all up close to Matthew and pleads with him to tell her his secrets, and promises that she'll "understand." Matthew: "Okay. But you tell me yours first." Danielle's lack of family loyalty is kind of shocking, and yet from what I remember of teenaged girl-dom, maintaining proximity to the cute crush-boy is often the very most important thing in life. Oh, those crazy teens!