Bree is at a neighbor's fancy lunch party when the FBI busts in and arrests the hostess for keeping a Chinese girl locked up in her kitchen as a personal slave. The church steps in and asks the Solises to temporarily house the Chinese girl; Good Christian Carlos is thrilled to help, but Crabby Gabby is not at all pleased by the idea...until she discovers what a great seamstress, cook, and hairbrusher the Chinese girl really is. Gabby woos the Chinese girl with a worthless but shiny bracelet, and the Chinese girl is totally stoked -- so much so that when it comes time for her to return to China, she refuses to go. And the Solises have themselves a new maid! Uninsured Susan can't afford to pay for her wandering spleen operation, so Edie matchmakes her with a well-insured gay man who needs a wife to please his "still doesn't know her son is gay" mother. But whoops: on altar day, the gay man's boyfriend pitches a fit, and the wedding gets cancelled. So Karl offers to marry Susan! Without telling Edie! Down at the office, Tom bonds with boss Ed by allowing himself to be the butt of Ed's increasingly heinous challenges (Tom catches tossed peanuts in his mouth, eats a toilet-dunked donut, and so on). Lynette, who can't stand watching her husband become Ed's "bitch," subjects herself to one of Ed's challenges: if Lynette can eat a pound of raw bacon (!), Ed will stop with the childish office antics. And Lynette? She eats that entire pound of raw bacon, slice by slice! Bree waits for Betty and Matthew to leave their house, then she brings a freshly baked cobbler over to Caleb. Caleb gobbles the cobbler and then happily tells Bree (who he thinks is "pretty") all about how he hurt the Melanie girl (who he also thought was "pretty"). Later, a furious Betty comes over to Bree's house to screech at Bree for pumping Caleb for info. But when Bree reveals just how much she now knows about the Applewrongs' big secret, Betty sadly confesses the whole story: Matthew and Melanie were dating, but Caleb was in love with Melanie, too. When Caleb told Melanie about his feelings, the girl laughed in his face, and well, there was this axe, sitting right there.... Bree leans across the table and squeezes Betty's hand sympathetically. The two cover-up artists totally bond! Noah receives an "anonymous" note (handed to him, oh-so-conveniently, by Nurse Felicia) about how he has a grandson. Noah sends crooked cop Sullivan to threaten Mike into spilling the truth, and Mike promises to deliver Zana to Noah's bedside within two days...or else!
Previously: Susan needed to get her health care figured out so that she can get her wandering spleen removed; Noah had a dirty cop named Sullivan in his pocket; Danielle and Matthew swapped spit and also secrets.
As usual, MAVO gets things started in her freakishly mirthful "I've just swallowed a bouquet of giggles and sunshine" way: "Once a month, the crème de la crème of Fairview society would attend a semi-formal luncheon at the home of Maxine Bennett." A bunch of ladies I don't ever recall seeing before file into a well-appointed house and air-kiss hostess Maxine (played by Jane Lynch of Best in Show and 40-Foot Virgin fame, yay). "Everyone loved these elegant get-togethers. Everyone, that is, but a certain redheaded housewife [the camera zooms in on the backside of the famous Bree flip], who was convinced Maxine was a liar. You see, Maxine liked to brag that she did all her own cooking." Maxine saunters out of the kitchen, carrying two little plates featuring elaborately assembled salads. MAVO: "And because each course was served promptly, presented with flair, and was positively mouthwatering [we get a montage of a series of beautiful plates of food being set down before Bree while all the hens around her bawk-bawk out compliments], Bree knew that Maxine had had some help." Maxine stands across from Bree and leans in to receive more praise from her guests, and then shoots Bree a small, gloating look. MAVO: "And sadly for Maxine, Bree intended to prove it."
Later, over coffee, Bree trills out for all the luncheon guests to hear: "Maxine, once again, this entire lunch was just out of this world! I just have to get the number of your caterer." Maxine, with false modesty: "What a nice compliment...no, I'm afraid this is all my doing." The tablemate to Bree's left (and our right) agrees that the luncheon was, indeed, a "triumph." Bree, exasperated (and just a tad jealous?): "Oh, come on. Do you honestly expect us to believe that you had the time to prepare a six-course meal for ten women? Even I couldn't make this and have time to get ready for a party." Maxine, with a liar's smile: "Well, perhaps you're just not as organized as I am." Maxine excuses herself and heads off to circulate with the coffee, and Tablemate turns to Bree to ask what's gotten into her. And really, as someone on the boards pointed out, this kind of public confrontation is a little rude for Bree the Impeccable. Bree: "I have this same recipe for English plum pudding. It takes six hours to prepare. How did she have time to make all of this and everything else that we ate today? This is not the pudding of an honest woman." Is that some kind of Victorian insult about loose morals?
Down at Scavo and Scavo, Tom sneaks up behind Lynette and startles her with a neck kiss. "Oh!" Lynette peeps, "none of that in here!" Tom explains that he's hoping that, by reminding big boss Ed that he's "shacking up with the VP," Ed will stop putting the kibosh on all of Tom's pitches. Lynette scolds Tom, saying she can't "protect him," and that he has to find his own way to bond with the boss.
Cut to Tom, pitching a super-weird idea for a bacon commercial: "And then the pig, he rubs his stomach, and then he says, '[oink oink] Farm Fresh bacon: it'll make a piggy out of you, too!'" Tom rounds out the pig pitch, the end of which he delivers in a heinous country drawl, by hitching up his pants, poking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth, and flipping Ed the thumbs-up. Lynette gives Tom's desperate performance a feeble little laugh, but Ed looks fantastically underwhelmed: "Soooo...the pig actually eats the bacon?" Tom nods vigorously. Ed: "I don't see the client doing the whole happy dance over the whole 'cannibalism' thing." Which reminds me of the awesome, awesome taco place in my neighborhood, which has three little pigs painted on the outside wall -- nice and low, perfect for any little kid toddling by on the sidewalk -- and the pigs are merrily roasting and eating a pig head and pig body parts. It's just...wow. Lynette tries to help Tom out by prompting him to pitch the "other idea" he had -- the one where "people love bacon so much, they want to keep it a secret." Ed immediately warms to the idea: "Like a secret, underground society of bacon-eaters?" Tom jumps in and explains how the bacon-eating society will be much like Tom's college fraternity, which only "took the coolest guys." Ed's face lights up. You mean Tom was Greek too? Oh god. Tom and Ed do some reminiscing and blustering about the awesome and amazing frat days, snore. Tom: "If I had a nickel for every Phi Kap I tied naked to a freeway sign..." Ed: "Scavo, if you were my pledge, I'd have made you my bitch!" FYI, Ed and Tom are now deeply in gay love. Ed says how much he likes the "fraternity angle" for the bacon campaign, and invites Tom to lunch. Well, that was easy!
Gabby pulls up at home to find Carlos and Father Crowley shaking hands. Gabby asks, "What's up?" and Father Crowley introduces her to "Xiao Mei" -- it's society maven Maxine's Chinese slave girl! The good Father explains the situation: Xiao is slated to return to China, but the arrangements are going to take a few days, and the poor girl needs somewhere to stay. Carlos happily informs Gabby that he has offered Xiao Mei the run of their guestroom. Gabby is totally not stoked by this news, and she tugs Carlos aside and starts yelling at him for becoming "Father Crowley's go-to guy for charity cases." This is a favorite maneuver of these two: they just love to excuse themselves politely and then remain well within earshot while they bitch about people who are standing right there. Does anyone do this in real life? Besides drunken sorority girls, I mean? More to the point, since when did I expect Desperate Housewives to be even remotely realistic? Okay. I'm fine. I'm back. I'm ready! Where were we? Oh right, Gabby and Carlos are bickering. Carlos: "You know who you are, Gabby? You're the kind of person who'd turn away Mary and Joseph from the inn." Gabby: "Well! They should have called ahead!" Take THAT! Gabby gets back into her car, and Father Crowley and shy Xiao Mei exchange worried glances.
Danielle is sitting at the breakfast table at home. She's got one leg tucked up on the chair and she's brushing her hair. She also looks kind of drunk, or maybe just really dumb? Bree walks in, carrying two plates of fruit. "Don't brush your hair at the table!" she snaps at Danielle. Danielle sarcastically asks if this means Bree is speaking to her now. Bree, all crabby: "Why should I? You betrayed this family and you're not even sorry." Danielle rolls her eyes, resumes brushing her hair, and tells Bree to "quit being such a drama queen." Bree leaps over and snatches the brush out of Danielle's hands. Clearly frustrated, Bree slowly reminds Danielle (and, I'm guessing, the entire viewing audience who've probably forgotten what the hell's going on over the long break between shows) that Andrew could go to prison because of what Danielle told Matthew. Which leads to the obvious question: where oh where is Andrew in this scene/episode? The case for "Danielle and Andrew as one person" mounts! Danielle tells Bree not to worry -- that the Applewrongs won't go to the cops as long as Bree stays quiet -- and then Bree asks Danielle just what it is that Caleb did, anyway. Danielle suggests that Bree simply ask Betty. In that repulsively congested little voice of hers, she adds, "I bet if you're really nice, she'll tell you the truth!" Bree gives Danielle a long, disgusted "From whose loins did you burst, exactly?" look, and then she launches into a story about how Bree's stepmom once told her that she was "very lucky" because she "possessed beauty, wit, cunning, and insight," and that "these were weapons all women needed to survive in the world." Danielle: "So?" Bree: "So take good care of your looks, Danielle. You don't have any other weapons at your disposal." Wow, Bree really gets mean when her kids turn on her.
Over at Edie's, Susan knocks on the door and Karl answers the door. Susan, who looks kind of sweaty, is in a big panic about her spleen operation: apparently back when her agent Lonny screwed up her accounts, he also let her medical coverage lapse. Why did Susan's book agent have control over her health care? Nobody knows. Susan: "And now [Lonny's] in jail, and I'm going to die!" Ah, so that's what happened to best-friend Lonny. Jail! Karl tries to calm Susan down by telling her that he'll talk to the insurance people. Susan: "There isn't time for you to deal with the red tape! My spleen is going to go careening into my heart!" Somehow I don't remember things being this urgent before. But okay. Karl regretfully informs Susan that while he'd love to give her a loan, he and Edie just put all their money into a "ski condo." Susan doesn't want a loan; she wants coverage! Susan sits down on the couch and squinches her eyes up and starts making squeaking sounds. Edie, who's been quietly listening this whole time, asks her what she's doing. Seriously, has Susan's spleen gone and careened somewhere untoward already? No, she's just "praying." Edie sighs and says, "For puke's sake," which is funny. Susan starts flailing her hands around, yelling about how "desperate" she is. But clever Edie has an idea! Susan just needs to marry someone with ample medical coverage: "If we find a guy with the right plan, you could have a sham wedding on a Monday night and be fully covered Tuesday morning!" Karl isn't into the plan at all, but Susan eats it up. And really, are we that surprised? This is exactly the kind of hare-brained scheme Susan lives for. Edie: "All we have to do is find a guy to marry you!" The three of them sit there, quietly, for a minute, and then they start to look uncomfortable. Edie: "Come to think of it? A little prayer might not be such a bad idea after all." Ha! Oh Edie, how I've missed you.
Down at Lambda Lambda Lambda, Ed, Tom, and Lynette sit in an office with a bunch of other office people. Lynette's trying to conference someone in on the phone, and Tom is tossing Reese's Pieces up into the air and then catching them in his mouth. Ed is watching Tom with a big grin on his face, like he could just kiss him, right smack on Tom's peanut butter-flavored lips. Ed: "Two hundred bucks says you can't do that three times in a row." Way to run a business, Ed. The catch? Ed gets to throw the treats. As the officemates look on with big, encouraging smiles on their faces, Lynette stares in horror. Tom catches Ed's first throw, no problem, and the second one, too. But the third throw, Ed pelts straight at Tom's forehead. As Tom rubs his head in pain, Ed laughs hysterically. Tom, laughing good-spirtedly: "That wasn't even catchable!" Ed: "Yeah, maybe not. But it was totally worth the two hundred bucks." Ed walks over and hands Tom the money, and then he rubs Tom's forehead affectionately and calls him his "little monkey-man." OMG, they are totally doing it!
Gabby arrives at home to find little Xiao Mei darning Gabby's clothes. Gabby starts freaking out about how her clothes are couture, which means they can be touched by no other than a professional tailor! But then Gabby gets a look at Xiao Mei's work: "Holy crap! This stitching is perfect!" Xiao Mei smiles and leads Gabby into the kitchen, which is covered with plates of cakes and tarts and muffins. I'm having trouble with the idea that the Solises had the fixings for all this baking just sitting around on hand, but I don't know; maybe Carlos took Xiao Mei out shopping or something. See? I'm flexible. I can "roll with it"! Xiao Mei feeds Gabby a treat, and Gabby is astounded by its terrificness. Gabby takes a look at the astounding spread, and then she starts to get that thoughtful look. You know, the "now to sway Carlos using nothing but my sexing" gleam.
Cut to Gabby sitting on the edge of her bed with a plate of Xiao Mei's food in her hand. Carlos crawls across the bed and starts kissing her neck. But Gabby is distracted. Is Carlos not aware of the plight of Chinese people? Carlos unzips Gabby's skirt and kisses her stomach. As Carlos continues to disrobe her, Gabby keeps on with her campaign to have Xiao Mei stay right where she is, based on, you know, "freedom and democracy and stuff." Carlos finally snaps out of his lust haze long enough to ask if this has anything to do with all the housework Xiao Mei's been doing for Gabby. Gabby: "I can't have this conversation until you've tasted her crab puffs." Which, contrary to the way it might sound (to someone with a filthy mind such as my own), turns out to be a reference not to Xiao Mei's breasts but rather her cooking abilities. Between kisses, Gabby tells Carlos how they can pay Xiao Mei whatever they want to: with the girl's history as a slave, any money is going to look good! Through a kiss, Carlos mutters, "No way, baby. Nuh uh." Gabby immediately stops kissing him and then she gets up and stalks out of the bedroom. Carlos: "What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout?" Gabby, standing there in nothing but her pink-and-black bra-and-panty set: "This isn't about me. This is about our great nation. And I have no intention of sexually satisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for, and help spread, the ideals and values of the United States of America." And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you use sex to get your own personal sweatshop.
Edie is sitting with a guy at the counter of a diner, telling him, "Sometimes she is a little hard to stomach, but she means well." Just then, the devil they spoke of walks in. Edie introduces Susan to "Gary," Susan's "future ex-husband." (Gary, incidentally, is played by Carlos Jacott, whom I know and love as Vince from Mr. Jealousy.) Edie takes off, Susan sits down, and she and Gary exchange shy little "hi"s. Then Gary jumps right in: "So, do you want to get married on Wednesday? Because Thursday and Friday I'm out of town." Susan is a little thrown by the abruptness, but she smiles and tries to go with it. She small-talks with a question about how it is that Edie was able to talk Gary into this. Turns out that Gary's in "need of a fake bride" himself, because he's gay and hasn't come out to his mother yet. At first, he didn't tell her because he was afraid it would "upset her," but then she got older and frailer, and Gary got to thinking: "Maybe if I just kept my mouth shut, nature would take its course we could avoid was sure to be a very ugly scene." Inquisitive Susan asks him what changed. Gary: "She told me at her eight-first birthday last month that the only reason she's hanging on is to see me get married." Susan, still smiling: "Oh! So by marrying me..." Gary, finishing the thought: "I get my inheritance that much sooner." Susan's smile fades just a bit. Gary, realizing that he's maybe coming off as a tad of a monster: "No, but mostly I want to make sure so she's happy." With that, he pulls out some bills, stands, and tells Susan: "You seem very nice, Susan. It will be a pleasure being married to you." They shake hands, he offers her his plate of leftover fries, and he leaves. I don't know about you guys, but this whole "marrying for the insurance coverage" thing is beginning to feel like less than the greatest idea. But maybe it's just me.
Noah is sitting in the middle of a big, rich-person's room. He's got a blanket on his lap and an IV drip beside him. In walks Felicia with a tray carrying his mail and his pills. As Noah digs into his mail, Felicia busies herself off to the side of the room, but she's still watching Noah out of the corner of her eye. Noah looks startled by the news he finds inside one of the envelopes, and asks Felicia where the letter came from. She lies that she has no idea. Noah opens up the letter again, and we see that it reads "YOU HAVE A GRANDCHILD" in handwriting-analysis-foiling block lettering. Uh oh! Noah gets on the phone and calls that crooked cop, Sullivan. (The one who pistol-whipped Mike, remember?) Noah tells Sullivan to get over there -- that "Mike Delfino's been holding out." And does Felicia overhear the whole conversation? And then smile knowingly to herself? You bet her sweet banana bread she does!
Bree watches out her curtains as Betty and Matthew leave their house and drive away. MAVO tells us how, because Bree is so trustworthy, she has the keys to all the neighbors' houses. Bree goes over and opens a cupboard to reveal row up on row upon row of neatly dangling house keys. It seems like an unbelievably insane number of keys -- there are easily twenty different sets hanging there, all perfectly labeled -- but maybe this is just one of the many mysterious ways of the suburbs, mass key collecting? Bree selects the keys labeled "Mullins," and then heads over to the Applewrongs' house. Magically enough, the key opens the door! As I think someone on the boards pointed out, the likelihood that Betty would go through the trouble of buying a house over the internet, moving into town under the cover of darkness, and installing a dungeon, but then wouldn't change the lock? Slim to none. Also, isn't this the exact same way PI Ironside got into their house -- by waiting until Betty and Matthew left home? You'd think the Applewrongs would have learned by now that Caleb can never ever be left unattended. But since I'm already so worn down by this episode, which feels like it's been going on for hours and hours already, I'm just going to agree to disagree with the writers on this one. For puke's sake. Caleb creeps down from his room upstairs, and Bree introduces herself and offers him some "homemade cobbler." Dishonest pudding? Crab puffs? Homemade cobbler? This show is nothing but sex, sex, sex!
Down at the office, everyone is huddled around Tom, who is holding a donut. The crowd heads en masse into the bathroom, and Pat the receptionist explains to a confused Lynette that Ed has challenged Tom to eat a donut out of the toilet. "Isn't it disgusting?" Pat coos gleefully. And Lynette does, indeed, look disgusted. (But not as disgusted as she's going to look by the end of this episode, oh my god.) Lynette darts into the bathroom and fetches Tom away from there, saying, "I never thought I'd have to ask you this, but are you about to eat a donut out of the toilet?" Tom, super-earnestly: "Yeah. For the Galveston Jewelers account." Tom explains that this is all part of his strategy to click with Ed. Lynette tells him gently that Ed is just "gets off on humiliating" Tom, and begs Tom not to go through with the donut dunk. Ed comes out of the bathroom and impatiently says, "We're waiting, Scavo!" Tom hesitates for a second, and then tells Lynette firmly, "This is my moment!" He and his donut return to the bathroom, where they are both greeted with big cheers.
Caleb literally eats Bree's cobbler as Bree thumbs through an album full of photos of the Applewrong family. Caleb tells Bree, "You're pretty." She thanks him for the compliment and then asks him where he's been staying all this time. Caleb takes Bree down to the dungeon, and Bree is clearly shocked and saddened by the sight of the small room and the shackles. Bree walks up close to Caleb and sympathetically asks him why Betty would keep him locked up like this. Caleb confesses that he "hurt a girl," and that this girl "died." Bree -- perhaps noticing that she's now completely alone with this man, standing in a dungeon, in a basement -- manages a feeble little "Oh." Caleb: "Her name was Melanie. She was pretty. Just like you." Caleb walks within kissing/stabbing range of Bree, and the kissing and/or stabbing music swells!
Susan stops by Mike's to let him know that she's getting married. Mike looks a little thrown by the news, but he plays it cool and asks her if her groom-to-be is "the doctor." Oh right...the doctor! Remember him? Susan is thrown that Mike even knows about her doctor, but he explains that, well, "people talk." Susan, in turn, explains all about how and why she's marrying a random gay guy tomorrow. Does Mike think she's crazy? Mike does not. Blah, blah. Just then! Crooked Detective Sullivan rolls up. Mike excuses himself, and Susan trots away. After giving Susan's retreating form a nice, juicy look, Sullivan turns back to Mike and asks where Noah's grandkid is. Surprise! Mike is all, "And if I refuse?" But Sullivan creepily hints that, if left to his own devices, he'll start looking for little him or her on his own, and might just start with Susan's daughter. Rats, foiled again! Mike -- reluctant and also furious -- tells Sullivan to tell Noah that Mike'll be over the morning. Sullivan slinks off, and Mike goes over to his truck and SLAMS the tailgate closed.
Gabby is sitting at her vanity, and Xiao Mei is brushing her hair. Is there a theme, here? First Danielle brushes her hair, now this? If yes, I don't really know what it symbolizes. Maybe it's very subtle? ["Unlikely." -- Wing Chun] Xiao Mei admires Gabby's jewelry, and then ducks her head shyly. Gabby, in the loud, enunciated voice of someone talking to a deaf person: "You like nice stuff? That's why I think you're stupid. For not wanting to stay here. You could be around my nice things all the time. Taking care of them...how fun would that be?!" Xiao Mei ducks and weaves, ducks and weaves. Gabby babbles that she and Xiao Mei are "more alike than people would guess." You see, Gabby, too, grew up poor: "That's why I love America. Anything is possible." Xiao Mei's eyes light up. Uh oh! Xiao Mei picks up a silver cuff bracelet and sighs. Gabby explains that it was the gift of an "old, fat stockbroker," and that it's "not worth anything." Casually, she offers it to Xiao Mei. Xiao Mei is totally paralyzed with happiness. Gabby laughs and puts the cuff on Xiao Mei's wrist. Xiao Mei gasps and collapses to her knees, and then she says some thrilled-sounding stuff in Chinese and hugs Gabby tightly. Gabby invites her to resume brushing her hair, and Xiao Mei leaps back into action, though she keeps stopping to sigh and gaze at her bracelet as she brushes. Methinks Xiao Mei has a love of shiny things. Xiao Mei the Money!
Gary, wearing a nice suit with a boutonniere, stands in front of one of those depressing quickie wedding places, the kind that also does notarizing and, like, makes one-cent copies. Susan pulls up at a parking spot right out front. She's wearing a pretty-ish summer dress and carrying a small bouquet of white roses. Oh, and she's also hot-rollered her hair, aww. Inside, Gary introduces Susan to Stephen, who is holding a little white cake. CAKE! Stephen is Gary's "best man" and also "life partner," and he is played by Michael McDonald (as seen on a whole host of different shows, including Fat Actress, Scrubs, and, my most favoritest, Greg the Bunny). Susan smiles hugely at Stephen, but Stephen is not in a smiling mood. Gary instructs Stephen to "be nice." Stephen turns to Susan and, in a robot voice, says, "I'm sorry you have cancer." Susan is confused. She doesn't have cancer, she has a wandering spleen. Stephen gives Gary the hairiest of hairy eyeballs, and then he shoves the cake at Susan, who just barely manages to keep it from smearing into her dress.
Inside the chapel, Gary and Susan stand at the altar while Stephen sits in a pew behind them (wow, pews -- pretty fancy for a glorified check-cashing center) and freezes them both with his glare. Gary asks the officiant if he can put on the CD Stephen burned, and the officiant heads into the back to find the stereo. Alone again, Susan, Gary, and Stephen exchange another round of uncomfortable looks. Stephen, scoffing: "'Wandering spleen'...it doesn't even sound real." Hey, that's exactly what I thought! Susan, defensively: "Well, it is. I could die!" Stephen: "You look fine to me." Stephen to Gary: "I have asked you six times to fly with me to Holland and get married, and you always have some lame excuse!" Gary and Stephen bicker some more, and then Susan jumps in with a spiel about how she'd love it if they could head off to Holland and get hitched, what with all the "clogs" and the "tulips," except that she needs this surgery, and she's a nice person, and she's always been a big supporter of gay rights, so...? But Stephen isn't picking up what she's laying down, no. He turns and stomps right on out of there. Gary says a quick "sorry" to Susan, and then he races after Stephen. And at exactly that moment, the music starts up. It's Tina Turner, singing "What's Love Got To Do with It?" Ha! (And yet, somehow I can't help thinking that this scene had the potential for a "ha ha" or even a "ha ha ha," given the actors involved. Sigh.)
Cut to Susan, sitting on her stoop and digging directly into her wedding cake with a fork. Karl comes up and sits to her, and she unloads her tale of woe. Also? I can alllllmost see her nipple, what with the defeated hunching of her shoulders and the gaping of the top of her dress! And from where Karl is situated, he is almost guaranteed a nipple glimpse. Perhaps that's why he proceeds to offer to marry Susan himself: "Look, Susie. I've always felt awful about walking out on you the way I did, and I figure, if we do this, I'd basically be saving your life. I figure I owe you one." The "aw, sweet" music tinkles, and Susan stares at Karl like a drugged person. Karl gets down on one knee and laughingly proposes, and after a few seconds, Susan laughs, "What the hell!" They sit there for a few seconds, smiling at the craziness of what they've just agreed to, and then Susan asks, "What about Edie?" Immediately (so immediately that it's clear he was just thinking the same exact thing), Karl says, "We can't tell her." Susan: "She'd kill us both." Karl: "It'll be our little secret." Another fail-proof plan!
Xiao Mei's ridiculously little bag is all packed, and Father Crowley and an interpreter are there to take her to the airport. Gabby, again with the over-enunciation: "You are a verrrry special girl! So you take care, okay?" Why Gabby, are you getting a little misty-eyed here? Xiao Mei and Gabby hug, and Xiao Mei heads outside to the car. Carlos shuts the front door, and then turns to Gabby: "Please don't tell me you're crying just because you can't have the maid you want." Gabby, still choked up: "Carlos, she wouldn't have just been a maid, she would have been the best damned maid ever." Oh Gabby, you are so materialistic and selfish! And yet consistent, which I love. Just then, Carlos hears a commotion outside. He and Gabby walk outside and find Xiao Mei trying to wrench her suitcase out of the translator's hands. Turns out, Xiao Mei wants to stay. The translator translates: "She says Mrs. Solis treated her with more kindness than she has ever known. She now thinks of you two as family." Gabby hugs Xiao Mei and tells that "of course [she] can stay." Carlos stands behind them and rolls his eyes.
Lynette and Tom are in an office, sorting storyboards, when Ed comes to the door to tell them about a conference call they need to be in later. Then he calls Tom "Toilet Boy" and giggles like a schoolgirl. Lynette is all, "I told you so," and Tom is all, "I know!" Lynette asks Tom if it isn't time to stop with all the reindeer games, but Tom isn't giving up.: "If I back down now, he'll view it as a sign of weakness. This is the way guys do business. You called it. He made me his 'bitch.'" Tom leaves, his head hung low, and Lynette gets that look she always gets before she does something profoundly regrettable.
Cut to Ed's office. Lynette marches in and tells him that she's been thinking maybe it's time to ixnay the games, and "set a slightly more professional tone in the office." Ed, punch-pleased: "Ohhh. I get it. Somebody went running to Mommy, didn't he? Tom loses a few bets, so he tries to get his wife to make me back off?" Ed tsks that this is so like someone from Tom's lame frat, and then gloats that he's going to "make him pay." Lynette looks concerned, and then puts her foot down. The games are going to stop! Ed, serious now: "This is my company. If people want to work here, they play by my rules." Ed -- who is a fantastically horrible boss and also person -- walks out into the reception area. Lynette runs out after him and, in front of a whole bunch of people, says, "Ed? I call you out. This is your company, so I'll play by your rules. What do I have to do to get you to stop this frat-boy crap? Shave my eyebrows? Come to work naked? Name your stakes!" Ed scoffs that he doesn't "have time for this." Lynette: "Aw, what's wrong, Ed? Afraid a Phi Kap's going to get beaten by a girl? Come on, big man. Just a little bet!"
Cut to Ed setting up a table in the middle of the reception area. Everyone in the office is gathered around. Ed announces that while he thinks all the office funning is "good for morale, Lynette here thinks the shenanigans have gotten a little out of hand." Everyone groans, and Lynette looks around with alarm. Ed: "So we've decided to settle the matter with a little test of intestinal fortitude." Lynette sits down, and Ed puts a plate piled high with raw bacon down in front of her. The bet is, if she can eat this entire pound of RAW bacon, then there will be a "moratorium on all wagering in the office." And...put on your seatbelts, everybody! Because this scene gets pretty rough from here on out. One by one, Lynette rolls up the pieces of raw bacon and chews them up. It goes on forever and ever, and it is truly painful to watch. It feels gratuitously gross, and also...what? This is the one and only way manipulative Lynette could come up with to foil Ed? Surely she could find some way other than exposing herself to dangerous raw-meat diseases? Like...what if Tom turned the tables on Ed and challenged him to something embarrassing and/or dangerous? Maybe that would take the wind out of Ed's sails! Or maybe Lynette and Tom could just quit and form their own agency? But no. Lynette has to sit there and eat slice after slice of fatty, fatty uncooked bacon. As Lynette descends deeper and deeper into the plate of pork, one by one, the officemates start to get disgusted and shaking their heads in judgment. With the mob losing its steam, Ed starts to become sullen. Finally, Lynette polishes off the last slice of bacon. And Ed leans in to make sure her mouth is truly empty. Lynette: "So. Can this be a place of business, Ed? No more games." Ed, all quiet: "Sure. You sucked all the fun out of it anyway." Everyone returns to work, and Tom sits to her and tells her, "That, was really, something." Lynette: "Thanks. Could you scrounge me up a bucket?" Gross. Gross!
A hopping-mad Betty shows up at Bree's doorstep, and a preternaturally calm, and wine-toting Bree invites her in and offers her a drink. But this isn't a friendly visit! Betty asks if it's true what Caleb said -- that a pretty redheaded lady walked into their house. Bree calmly agrees that indeed it is. Betty wags her finger and threatens that "there will be hell to pay" if ever Bree breaks in to the Applewrong house again! But Bree is unfazed. She leans against her banister, all nonchalant, and asks Betty, "Aren't you going to ask me what we talked about? The name, uh, Melanie Foster came up. I'm going to pour you a drink now, Betty. Because we're about to have a very honest discussion, and I think you're going to need a little help getting through it." Betty just stands there, stunned, looking not at all unlike she just ate a pound of raw bacon.
Mike, standing in front of Noah's bed, confesses that the grandkid's name is Zach Young, and that way back when, daughter Deirdre was strung out and gave the kid away. Noah tells Mike that he wants to meet Zach. Mike pissily informs Noah that Zach lives with his dad, and that he can't be whisked away on Noah's whim. Noah snaps that if Mike can't do the Zach-whisking, then Detective Sullivan can. Mike: "Is that really the way you want to meet him? Have that thug drag him in here so Grandpa can give him a hug?" Noah sees the wisdom of Mike's ways, so he gives him two days to find a less invasive way to bring Zach to meet him. And is devious Felicia sitting in the other room, listening to the whole conversation over some kind of weird baby monitor? You bet your bacon she is!
Bree's house. Betty and Bree are sitting at the table, each with a drink in hand. Betty looks tired as slowly she tells her story. Apparently Matthew used to date Melanie, and they had a rocky relationship: lots of break-ups and get-back-togethers. One day, during one of Matthew and Melanie's break-ups, Caleb arranged to have Melanie meet him out at some lumberyard. When she arrived, he told her that he loved her and would treat her better than Matthew did. She laughed at him: "He tried to show her that he was serious by kissing her, and she hit him." Caleb got mad and, in his rage, grabbed a nearby axe; the thing Caleb knew, she was dead. Betty: "Yes, my Caleb killed Melanie. But I couldn't let him go to jail. Or worse, be put down for what was really my crime...it was my responsibility. I was supposed to be protecting him from himself. I am his mother. That was my job." By the end of the story, Betty is weeping stoically. It's a sad, and moving scene, and Alfre Woodard delivers it superbly. And I'm inclined to buy Betty's story, because it sounds pretty convincing. Then again, so did the story she told that therapist so that she could get those sleeping pills, so who knows what to believe? Bree, though, is clearly moved, and she leans over and puts her hand over Betty's.
MAVO: "The world is filled with unlikely friendships." Oh, right! Like the old man and the pit bull from wayyy back in the beginning of the episode? Remember that? When was it, 1972? MAVO: "How do they begin?" We see Xiao Mei the Money hemming one of Gabby's fabulous gowns. MAVO: "With one person desperately in need, and another willing to lend a helping hand." Susan picks up her mail, and then waves at Karl and Edie as they ride by on a bicycle (Edie up on the handlebars, of course). MAVO: "When such kindness is offered, we're finally able to see the worth of those we had previously written off." Tom and Ed high-five each other in Ed's office, and Lynette looks over at them and shakes her head in wonderment. MAVO: "And before we know it, a bond has formed, regardless of whether others can understand it." Danielle and Matthew make out under a tree. MAVO, now with sinister music swelling beneath: "Yes, unlikely friendships start up every day. No one understands this more than the lonely." Caleb looks out his window, and smiles down at Matthew and Danielle's make-out session. MAVO: "In fact, it's what they count on." Caleb lets the curtain fall, and then he gets a creepy sort of grimace-smile look on his face, kind of like he just peed his pants, but in a good way.
Sunday: Bree passes out on her own front lawn!