Previously: George committed suicide and Bree didn't even try to stop him; Susan sent Zana to Utah; Andrew was pretty much gay; CreePaul wanted Mike to stay the hell away from Zana; and the asthmatic PI Ironside was after Caleb.
MAVO: "Kisses are such simple things. We hardly notice them." Bree is standing in front of a table, surveying a magnificent spread of party food. She's wearing pearls, of course, along with a somewhat disappointing silk party dress featuring murky brown lace. She's also holding a gigantic glass of white wine. A man in a blazer and a woman holding a glass of wine are making out feverishly in a very well-lit corner -- seriously, it's like they're trying to make butter with their heads, what with all the churning. Which is kind of weird: I'd expect this kind of PDA from two fifteen-year-olds at, like, a twelve-kegger or something. But at a parent party on Wisteria Lane? Huh...maybe this is a key party? Certainly Bree seems unfazed: she just smiles over at them and walks away. Though perhaps she's merely stunned and distracted by the mountainous princess cake that's sitting at the top of a tiered tray right in the middle of the table -- I know that's certainly where my attention would be focused. (Cream and custard and yellow cake and raspberry things, all wrapped in a skin of lurid green marzipan? Huzzah!) MAVO: "But if we paid more attention, we'd see that each kiss conveys a meaning all its own." Bree walks over to a couple standing at the foot of the stairs and leans in to give first the man and then the woman cheek kisses. MAVO: "For example, some can say 'I'm so happy to see you!'" or "I didn't realize you'd be here!" Over on the couch, two women smile at each other falsely and then give each other air-cheek kisses. MAVO: "Or 'Honey it's time to stop drinking.'" A woman leans in to give her boisterous husband a kiss and somehow manages to neatly remove his precariously tilted glass of wine in the process. MAVO: "The trick is in knowing how to tell the difference."
In the kitchen, Karl, Mr. Mom Tom, Gabby (looking cute with her hair down and a flower tucked behind one ear), Edie, and Bree are all sitting around and laughing. Gabby: "So I finally said, 'If I'm head cheerleader, then nobody wears panties.'" (Wow, what?) This causes an explosion of laughter, and Edie almost spits out her drink. Tom volunteers that, as a member of the high-school marching band, he would have appreciated Gabby's rule. Immediately, everyone starts in, teasing him about being a band geek. Lynette materializes and tells them that not only was Tom a band geek, but that he played the tuba. Gabby confesses that all of her secret crushes were on the band geeks, a revelation Tom finds highly doubtful, what with girls like Gabby only ever being interested in guys like Karl (who clearly did NOT play the tuba). Tom, laughing: "All I know is I was a lonely, insecure tuba player, [and] girls like Gabrielle would just rip my heart out." This gets lots of "aww"s, and when he confesses that he didn't even have his first kiss until he was eighteen, he also gets a "poor baby" from Gabby, who goes on to insist that she totally would have kissed him. Tom says no, she wouldn't. Gabby says yes, she would. Tom insists again that NO, she wouldn't, but he tells her it's okay, since "those scars heeled a long time ago." Gabby: "Oh, for god's sake, come here. On behalf of all the cheerleaders in the world, forgive us." And with that, she grabs Tom's face in her hands and plants one on him -- there's no tongue or anything, but it's a substantial kiss. Everyone claps and hollers. MAVO: "Yes, kisses mean different things to different people." Tom breaks away (finally!) and does a little fake pratfall. MAVO: "Ultimately, the meaning depends on the one who does the kissing, and the one who sees it happen." The camera pans past Edie, who's still laughing it up, and Bree, who's smiling distantly, to Lynette, who is one, big, huge frownie. Whoops! And roll those credits.
“ Still on their porch, Matthew and Betty exchange concerned glances. 'Who's laughing now?!' I ask them. No wait, wait: 'Laugh, and the world laughs with you, hide a body in a trunk along with the keys, and you cry alone!' say I! ”
Cut to CreePaul stomping out his front door and over to Mike's yard, where Mike is quietly raking up leaves. Paul walks up to him and yells, "Delfino!" Just as Mike turns, CreePaul gives him a big old sucker punch. Mike goes down, and CreePaul yells, "Stay away from my son!" and then turns and stalks away. A bloody-mouthed Mike gets up and runs up behind CreePaul and knocks him into some flowerbeds. Susan, who's driving by at just that second, yells, "Oh my god!" out her window. Momentarily distracted, Susan drifts into oncoming traffic and a car honks at Susan. She swerves and...runs right into the back of dead PI Ironside's car (making this the third time at least since we've met her that Susan's landed herself in a vehicular smashup -- I'm guessing her insurance rates are truly insane). Meanwhile, dead PI Ironside's trunk? Wouldn't you know it, it pops open! Hearing the collision, Mike runs over just as Zana comes out to help his dad. I wonder how Mike's going to fare in Zana's eyes after the fisticuffs with CreePaul? Though maybe any anti-Mike resentment will simply hasten the moment when the truth will finally be told (about Mike being Zana's dad). Matthew and Betty come out of their house just as Alberta the Cat Lady walks over. Alberta looks inside the trunk and lets out a blood-curdling scream. Susan, Mike, CreePaul, and Zana come over and take in the sight of dead PI Ironside. Susan and Mike look at CreePaul, and he throws his hands in the air, like a pantomime version of Caleb's "I didn't do it!" Still on their porch, Matthew and Betty exchange concerned glances. "Who's laughing now?!" I ask them. No wait, wait: "Laugh, and the world laughs with you, hide a body in a trunk along with the keys, and you cry alone!" say I! And...commercial.
Once again, quiet Wisteria Lane is awash with the strobe of police lights. (Forget the competition, isn't realtor Edie worried about the property values, which surely have plummeted after all the murders, burglaries, and hit-and-runs that have happened on this street.) As Susan gives her statement to the police, Lynette, Gabby, Edie, and Bree stand off to the side. Betty and Matthew are still standing in the exact same spot in front of their house, even though it's now completely dark out. Matthew to Betty: "Are you worried now? Because I am." Betty takes a deep, invigorating breath and tells him, "Not yet. Just be patient. See what happens." Susan rejoins the Ladies, and together they debrief. Gabby wonders if the latest body is CreePaul's work, but Susan ixnays the idea, explaining that CreePaul seemed as surprised as everyone else by the surprise in the trunk. Edie, with the eye-contact-laden enthusiasm of someone telling a good ghost story: "I think it's the Applewhites. I talked to the dead guy, and he said he was doing an appraisal on their house? Well...I got a little cheesed, so I called every realtor in town. Nobody had even heard of him." (Hmm, do the police know this? If not, why are they talking to Susan and not Edie?) Edie goes on to dish out that the Applewrongs are also "fishy" because they bought their house sight unseen. Gabby: "And they did move in the middle of the night." Susan: "And then there were the noises." All the ladies turn and look at her quizzically. Susan: "A couple of weeks ago, I heard some noises coming from the basement, like a clanging. I asked Betty about it, [and] she lied right to my face." Lynette: "What's that about?" Ha! As a unit, all five women turn and look over at Betty and her son. Betty and Matthew smile and wave, and the ladies, looking suspiciously blank-faced, wave back weakly. Betty, to Matthew: "Now I'm worried."