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Previously: Caleb got arrested, Susan wanted to get to know her long-lost dad, Gabby went to war with a nun, and Bree let George OD on pills, Jack Daniels, and crazy.
MAVO: "There were many ways to tell Bree Van de Kamp was a lady." A policeman hands Bree out of the back seat of a bright blue car, and she thanks him courteously. Hey, I think that's the triple-creamy coat she wore on the weekend of antiques and reluctant sex! MAVO: "She was courteous to those around her, she moved with elegance and grace, and she was very careful to never let others know what she was thinking." Bree walks inside George's house, which is roped off with police tape and crawling with uniformed policemen. Inside, Detective Barton thanks Bree for coming in on such short notice. Bree innocently asked if they've managed to find George. Ah, so I guess she's going to play innocent? And pretend that she didn't know that George was holed up in that hotel, even though the bellman can testify that he handed her a note from George, and that she read it? Not to mention the possibility of cameras in the hallway or elevators (according to any crime show around, footage of Bree in the hotel is almost a guarantee)? She sure does like to play fast and loose with her cards! A Barton flunky informs Bree that George actually committed suicide. MAVO: "You see, like most well-bred women, Bree had something to hide." Bree delivers a somewhat half-hearted attempt at surprise, and then very graciously thanks the two policemen for telling her in person. My god, her hair is a perfection of perky, curled-up flippery.
Bree turns to leave, but Barton tells her that there's actually more to the story. Bree nervously follows Barton a little deeper into the room, and he shows her a plastic bag full of violet- and sage-colored underthings and asks her if she recognizes them. Bree, scandalized: "Those are my...panties!" Just so you all know, the word "panties" is one of my all-time least favorite words. I don't like the way it sounds (sort of whiny), I don't like the way it breaks down (pant-tease, i.e., heavy breathing + taunting), and I don't like the kind of sexitive man who tends to use it most. Nothing about it is good. Flunky Cop tells Bree that they assume that George stole the...underwear -- in fact: "Mr. Williams had a whole roomful of unsavory items." Boy, George sure does unpack fast; didn't he just move in? I guess that, when crazy people relocate, setting up the shrine room is the very first thing they attend to. Bree asks what they mean by "unsavory." Flunky: "You don't want to know." Barton advises Bree that the Daily Tribune has actually been sniffing around the story, and while the police are trying to keep a lid on things, Bree might want to inform her family about these latest unhappy developments so that they're not blindsided.
Just then, two uniformed cops come out from a back room carrying a redheaded mannequin, which is clothed in an argyle cardigan and pencil skirt. Barton apologizes to Bree, telling her she wasn't supposed to see the doll. Bree, who is clearly freaked out: "Is that supposed to be me?!" Barton looks over at the doll -- which looks a little mannish, actually -- and yet the red flip is pretty unmistakable. Barton: "Well [comedic pause], it's hard to say." Bree, all confused, says she doesn't get it: "What would George be doing with a life-sized doll?" All the policemen cough and look away, and Bree's face melts into a frownie of disgust, and she holds her hand to her chest and actually says, "Oh, dear lord!" The policemen move to take the doll away, and Bree starts to freak out, asking what they plan on doing with it. Flunky tells her that they need to keep it, because it's evidence. Barton apologizes, telling her that he knows "how difficult all this must be." Bree pauses a moment to collect herself, and then she smiles hugely and insists that she's going to be "just fine!" MAVO: "Yes, there were many ways to tell that Bree was a lady." Bree turns and walks out of the house with her head held high as, just a few feet behind her, the policemen carry out her life-sized doppelganger. With a whole line of neighbors looking on. MAVO: "But the surest was to watch how she maintained her dignity in even the most undignified situations." And roll the truncated credits!
“ So now it's one jogger, one teen with hedge clippers, one harried housewife with a leak, and a plumber dropping off a faucet, just, you know, standing around on the sidewalk, swapping gossip! (I can hear the script- writing jam session now: 'We've got to give Mike and Edie something to do in this episode...') ”
MAVO says some very dramatic things about the time-old story of the prodigal son, and we see Zana, with weird "Utah and back" wig hair, walking up Wisteria Lane. CreePaul comes out of his house to pick up the paper and spots Zana, and they race right up to each other and engage in, as MAVO calls it, "the tender embrace of a loving father." A loving, blender-bashing father. And his adoptive hockey-stick-bashing son. Together they head inside...
...and while Zana gobbles a sandwich, CreePaul tells him that Susan told him she gave Zana money to go to Utah. Zana: "Yeah, I had no idea where to look for you, though, and the money started running out, so I thought that maybe you'd come back here." CreePaul: "Smart kid." Then Zana asks if what Mrs. Tillman told him is true -- that his birth mother was a Utah drug addict? CreePaul confirms Felicia's rumor. And while this would have been an excellent moment to reveal some regret over his beating Felicia all the way into the hospital, and perhaps ask after her well-being, instead Zana asks CreePaul who his bio-father is. CreePaul claims that he doesn't know; it "could have been anyone."
Cut to...Mike, walking up the street! Get that? Could be anyone; cut to Mike? Betty walks out of her house to meet Mike, and he hands her a paper bag. Betty thanks him for the faucet: apparently, she has a leak that's been driving her crazy. Betty asks Mike what she owes him, but he tells her it's no rush, and that she can pay him when he installs it. Why isn't he installing the faucet now? I have no idea. Also, you'd think that someone with no money coming in (since Deirdre's dad isn't bankrolling him anymore) would be less lackadaisical about getting paid. It can't be cheap, living high on the Wisteria Lane hog as Mike's been doing lo these many months. Just then, Edie jogs up and asks Mike and Betty if they've seen today's paper. Edie bends to pick up Betty's paper, and Matthew -- who apparently has been lurking nearby this whole time, trimming the hedges (not a metaphor) -- wanders over to this awkwardly assembled group, so now it's one jogger, one teen with hedge clippers, one harried housewife with a leak, and a plumber dropping off a faucet, just, you know, standing around on the sidewalk, swapping gossip! (I can hear the script-writing jam session now: "We've got to give Mike and Edie something to do in this episode...") Together, all four of them look at the cover story of today's paper: "Police Seek Help in Identifying the Mystery Vagrant," it reads, and it shows Caleb's mug shots. Apparently, Caleb's been taking Betty's goodbye hush to heart, and he's been completely mum since his arrest, so the police are keeping him in a "psych ward" until they figure out who he is. Betty says that she, for one, will rest easier knowing the guy isn't roaming the neighborhood. Edie laughs and jogs off, and then Mike leaves, his meaningless task (dropping off the faucet he'll be returning later to install) now complete. Matthew asks Betty what they're going to do about Caleb. Betty: "Obviously, we are going to go and get him."