Episode Report Card Evany: A | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Color And Light
By Evany | Season 2 | Episode 7 | Aired on 11.12.2005
Later, Tom and Lynette encounter the P-twins out on the stairs, who report that "PJ and Jimmy" are watching a "dumb video that they brought." Lynette: "Well, you should be polite and watch it too; they're your guests." And really, she's right: when friends bring over a pornographic video featuring their parents, it's only polite to sit and watch. Even so, the P-twins keep on walking, and Lynette and Tom head into the room alone and find Little Big P and the Porndog twins raptly watching the TV. The Scavos let their kids have a TV in their room? That seems...unwise. Lynette leans in for a closer look at what's playing: we see Mr. Porndog and Mrs. Porndog, in their underwear, sitting on a bed. Lynette asks the Porndog twins what they're watching, and they inform her that it's a movie: "Mommy and Daddy made it." Everyone in the room pauses for a moment to watch. On the screen, Mr. Porndog asks Mrs. Porndog what she's got "under there," and she says, "Peekaboo!" and flashes him her breasts (only we can't see anything because her backside -- which, incidentally, is abundantly covered in white cotton -- is facing the camera). As though cattle-prodded, Lynette jumps in front of the TV to cover it, and screams at Tom to find the remote. There's much scrambling and fumbling, and corresponding puzzlement from the kids. Way to make "peekaboo" seem fraught evermore with subtext and danger, Tom and Lynette. Time to put another $10 in the "today's mistakes, tomorrow's therapy" jar!
Gabby is down at the Catty Asian Man Boutique, trying on a brain-bendingly tight blue sapphire satin dress. Gabby describes the dress as "glorious," and insists that she must have it. Catty Asian Man (a.k.a. Verne): "I'm not sure you deserve Dolce and Gabbana: you never call, you never write..." Gabby: "Verne, I know I haven't been to the store lately, but I've been busy? Getting my husband out of jail?" Verne: "That is such a white-trash thing to say." Gabby tells Verne that Carlos got the hate crime thing dropped, so now he just has to do his hard labor, and then he'll be out in six months. Verne wonders why, if Carlos is still in the "hoosegow," Gabby would need such a fancy party dress? Gabby explains that some of her New York models friends are coming over, and she doesn't want them thinking she "moved to the suburbs" and now shops at "strip malls." Verne insists that when the model friends see this D&G dress, they'll "crumple to the floor like the Botoxed hags the are." Gabby chortles, and then walks over to another mirror and checks out her ass: "You know? It's a little snug!" It really, truly is: like a satin sausage. Verne agrees, suggesting that Gabby go up a size, to a "zero." Up! To a zero! Gabby is not amused. She calls Verne a "twerp," and insists that she's still a "double zero"! I guess it says something (something about my love of cake perhaps?) that I've never even heard of a size called "double zero" before. And really, fine by me! ["Now that they've enlarged all the sizes at Gap and Banana Republic, my sister could probably use a double zero, but then she's 4'11" and not on a TV show pretending she ever could have been a runway model, Eva Longoria." -- Wing Chun] Verne: "Why're you getting snippy?" Gabby: "Because you just called me fat!" Fat. Size zero. What a crazy, mixed-up world Gabby lives in! Verne tries to soothe Gabby by reminding her that she's actually pregnant. Gabby rubs her hand over her fat, fat belly and whines that she's only three months pregnant, which seems insanely untrue, since it seems like ages and ages since she first discovered she was pregnant, but I guess this exotic space-time continuum explains why she hasn't been showing, belly-wise, until now (an oversight that's been consternating many, many viewers for some time). No. Gabby will not go up a size. Rather, she will skip all food for two days. Verne's jaw drops, and then he laughs: "Okay. You totally deserve to wear Dolce and Gabbana." Cue the "Way to put the baby first, Gabs (you nut job)" Wisteria music!
Susan walks over to Mike's house; on her way, she spies Karl and Edie battling on Edie's front stoop. Huh, when did Edie get her cast off, I wonder? Edie Britt: one fast woman, one fast healer. Susan knocks, and after the very briefest second, Mike opens the door. So either Mike saw Susan coming, or his front hall was the best spot to catch The Edie and Karl Show, or Mike now spends all his time standing with one hand glued to his front-door knob. So to speak. Susan informs Mike that she is there to thank him for leaving a box of her stuff on her porch because, she yuks, if he'd tried to hang on to her Joni Mitchell CDs, she would have had to come after him "with a club." Clearly, Susan is trying for a kind of disarming tone here, but Mike isn't buying it, perhaps because no amount of levity could block out the memory of Susan coming completely unglued in the street just two days before. In the face of Mike's searing lack of laughter, Susan's hopeful smile melts, and she admits that her joke wasn't all that funny: "Actually, I did want to just see if you were aware that you gave me back the Valentine's Day card that I made you." Mike, indeed, was aware. Susan: "Oh, well. I mean, when two people split up, normally they don't give things back like Valentine's Day cards. If you don't want it, you can throw it away, I just...please don't give it back to me. It's tacky." Mike apologizes, and then takes the card and matter-of-factly throws it in a garbage can, which is conveniently located right next to the front door. Maybe that's where he pees now that he's permanently attached to his front door? Meanwhile: the card Susan drew for Mike? Looks like it was drawn by a first-grader. It's got hearts along the top, and then there's a boy-shaped thing wearing a striped t-shirt, flanked by a girl (as indicated by the triangle "dress" body and upside-down "U" of hair). Isn't Susan an illustrator? Huh, maybe she was going for some sort of "outsider art" look. Susan gives Mike a sad little smile and says that everybody makes mistakes (which I think is the tail end of her response to his apology). Mike, all icy: "Anything else?" Susan sighs and asks him if he's sure he wants to do this: "I mean, I understand that you don't want our relationship to continue -- you have made that clear -- but I sort of thought down the long corridors of time, maybe you and I could be friends. And if you keep acting like this..." Mike: "Susan, it's over. On every level. Okay? I've moved on. You should do the same." At this point, Edie and Karl's fight escalates, and in the background, we hear Edie yelling "you son of a bitchhhhh!" We see Karl screeching off in his red, red convertible. When the camera returns to Susan, she says, "Well, I'll say one thing for us: even with all our problems, at least we're not acting like that." ["Yeah, her wedding-dress freak-out in the middle of the road was no kind of spectacle at all." -- Wing Chun] Susan turns back to share her jocularity with Mike, but he's already shutting the door. And the "oh Susan, 'Zen' doesn't mean 'oblivious'" music swells!