|
||||
Previouslies: the police exhumed Rex's body, Gabrielle lined Carlos up with the Lecherous Lawyer Bradley, Susan sent Zana to Utah, there's someone living in the Applewrongs' basement (remember that storyline?), and Mike left Paul in the desert.
It's an ad, ad world at Lynette's place of employ. Lynette and her team of crack creatives are pitching a poster for Kamarov Vodka to Bossy Boobs. The headline reads "A RUSSIAN CLASSIC..." and the zinger is "DISTILLED THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY." The girl holding the poster looks all of seventeen years old, and she has a completely star-struck baby deer look on her face that makes me think that maybe she won some kind of "Housewife for a Day" walk-on contest. MAVO: "Since her first day on the job, it had been clear to Lynette Scavo that her new boss, Nina, was unusually...tense." Bossy Boobs sits on the edge of her desk, and the camera pans down to reveal that she's white-knuckling a pencil, which snaps right in two. MAVO: "To help relieve [Bossy's] tension, Lynette tried giving her boss thoughtful gifts: a soothing wave machine..." In flashback, Lynette walks into Bossy's office with said soothing wave machine, which she's topped with a big, red bow. Bossy, who appears to be suffering from some kind of horrible neck pain, shoots Lynette a "what the hell...?" look. MAVO: "...aromatherapy candles..." Lynette gives Bossy a plastic-wrapped basket full of fake flowers, bows, and like six different kinds of candles -- something about the arrangement smacks of the bizarre Ross Dress For Less food, gift, and scary doodad section (I hope Lynette remembered to hack off the un-peel-off-able RDFL price sticker). Bossy, who is sitting at her desk and massaging her mastoid processes in a way that marks her as a chronic TMJ-sufferer, gives Lynette a zombie stare. MAVO: "...even meditative chi balls." Lynette deposits a pair of tinkling, fairy-bell balls all covered in yings and yangs onto Bossy's desk. These balls are either the kind that people rotate in one hand to promote relaxation, or they're the kind that's used to improve the muscle tone of the vaginal walls. Bossy gives Lynette a startled look. (Ben Wa balls, methinks!) MAVO: "But nothing seemed to ease Nina's tension."
Back in the now, Bossy seems not at all pleased with Lynette's vodka pitch. Bossy, in a voice drenched in sarcasm, repeats the tagline zinger: "'Distilled...the old-fashioned way.' You know it actually hurts my teeth to say that out loud." Bossy grabs the poster out of the startled walk-on's hands, yelling now, "You folks are going to toddle back to your little holes and you're going to come up with a decent slogan, or I will can all your asses the old-fashioned way." Ha! Bossy tears up the poster in a toddler-esque pique. Lynette looks on, amazed. MAVO: "Until one day, when it occurred to Lynette there was one form of relaxation she had yet to try."
“ I'm beginning to worry that this prolonged and repeated MAVO exposure is giving me cancer. ”
Lynette and Bossy Boobs are in a bar; Lynette is introducing BB to a "gimlet." BB, with much cynicism, accuses Lynette of trying to get BB so loose that she'll approve Lynette's revised pitch. Lynette: "Don't be ridiculous!" And then, in the direction of the bar, Lynette yells, "Could we get a trough of these, please!" And BB laughs! Ding, dong, Bossy Boobs laughed! BB tries to remember the last time she was in a bar: "Must have been the last time I had a boyfriend, which was...oh god, I'm a nun." Lynette wonders why BB doesn't get in "the game," and BB tells her, "Believe it or not," and this recapper really, really does not, "when it comes to meeting men, I am shy." Lynette, on the other hand, is not at all shy, and she points out some guy over at the bar that Lynette claims has been staring over at BB. BB dishes that she actually finds bar-man to be "cute," and Lynette encourages her to go over to him. BB refuses! Lynette says, "Oh for god's sake," and walks right on over to the man herself while BB buries her head in her hands. "Hey Stretch," Lynette says to the guy. I love it when people call other people "Stretch"! Lynette tells him that her friend thinks he's cute, and they look over at BB, who waves weakly. Lynette suggests that he buy her a drink, and he nods receptively.
The day, the office is buzzing with activity (as in, it's probably well past 9 AM) when the elevator doors part, revealing a verrrrrryyyy relaxed Bossy Boobs. Her hair is tousled, she's sipping a latte, and she's wearing yesterday's clothes. She is medicated-ly nice to everyone as she walks in, all, "Hey," "Hi," and "Beautiful morning, isn't it?" She tells a startled-looking Lynette that she read the new vodka proposal -- huh, how did that work? Did she check her email over at the bar-man's house? -- and Bossy thinks Lynette's team "hit it out of the park!" MAVO: "And although it had come about in an unexpected manner..." Lynette asks BB if the clothes she's wearing are the same as the clothes she wore to the bar, and BB gleefully confesses that she is, indeed, wearing the very same outfit, and then she winks. MAVO: "...Nina's tension had finally been released...the old-fashioned way." BB, it appears, got herself a happy ending!
When we get back from the credits, we find the MAVO still in a very talkative mood. She tells us all about how everyone needs someone to depend on, be it a companion, friend, or dog. And then she tells us that Susan's dependable someone, her "rock," was her book agent, Lonny Moon (Wallace Shawn!). I'm beginning to worry that this prolonged and repeated MAVO exposure is giving me cancer. We see in flashback that Lonny was the one who helped Susan promote her first book. Susan's hair is longer and fuller in the flashback, and there's a poster hanging behind her announcing that she is the author of Ants in My Picnic Basket. I thought Susan was a children's book illustrator (versus author)? But what do I know; I also thought Ants in My Picnic Basket was a saucy adults-only board game. We flash back to another scene, the night Lonny rushed a be-bumped Susan to the hospital to give birth to Julie. Then we flash to Susan looking supremely glum, wearing a sombrero, and riding behind Lonny on the back of a burro: it seams Lonny also swept Susan away on a tropical vacation when Karl left her. The depressing sombrero footage freezes to a still that morphs into a photograph which, we see, is attached to the side of Susan's fridge with a heart-shaped magnet. We pan back and see through the kitchen window that Lonny is marching up to Susan's door. MAVO: "Sadly for Susan, her rock was about to crumble." I wonder how many MAVOs start with "Sadly for Susan"? Like two out of every three? As Susan goes to open the door for Lonny, she walks past a television set that's playing a news announcement about "new developments in the Melanie Foster case." Susan asks Lonny what he's doing there, and he enthuses that it's past noon, which means it's "now socially acceptable to begin drinking!"
“ Oh, well played, the LLB, well played. Though Carlos might want to have a little chat with some of the many wives whom the LLB has slept with without incurring any disbarment whatsoever. ”
The guards bring a shackled Carlos into the prison visiting room. They undo his handcuffs, but Carlos remains standing with his arms still behind his back: he is less than happy to discover that Gabby has brought the Lecherous Lawyer Bradley along with her. Carlos crabbily asks what he's doing here, and the LLB tells Carlos that he has a "pitch" for him. Reluctantly, Carlos sits down, saying that at least it beats sitting in his cell. The LLB says that he senses Carlos's problem isn't with the LLB's lawyering; rather it's more "personal" in nature. Carlos tells him that he sensed right. The LLB clarifies the problem: "You want to know if I'm interested in sleeping with your wife." Gabby gives Carlos a steady look with a slight glimmer of "see how ridiculous you're being?" twinkling in her eyes. But then the LLB goes on: "And the answer is yes." Gabby looks totally astounded for a few beats, then she bursts into a very "Fran Drescher in The Nanny horse-whinny of a laugh. Gabby: "Carlos, he's kidding," she waves her hand at the LLB dismissively. And yet Carlos, he does not laugh. Gabby, whispering to the LLB: "Tell him you kidding." With his eyes never leaving the LLB's face, Carlos tells Gabby to "shut it." The LLB: "Now, clearly Gabrielle is willful, self-centered, and manipulative. She's also beautiful enough to be worth the trouble." Carlos takes this all in with his chin cocked in a very kingly, very all-knowing expression. The LLB goes on to say that the minute he leaves the jail, he's going to start pursuing Gabby with everything he's got. And when he succeeds, which he most surely will, he's going to fly Gabby to his chateau in France and feed her glorious foods. "We'll make love by the fire," he goes on, "and afterwards do a little midnight skiing. You ski," he turns to Gabby, "right?" Gabby just looks at him with her arms crossed and her mouth open in amazement. The LLB: "You're athletic, you'll learn" -- a comment that wins a solid "ha" from yours truly. The LLB, to Carlos: "Anyway. All of this only happens if you fire me. If you keep me on as your lawyer, your wife's off-limits. I'd get disbarred for sleeping with your wife, and nobody's worth that, not even her." With that, he leaves the room.
Gabby immediately starts apologizing, saying that clearly the LLB is insane. Carlos: "Oh, you just can't wait, can you?" Carlos tells her that the LLB is his lawyer now, and that there's nothing Gabby can do about it. Oh, well played, the LLB, well played. Though Carlos might want to have a little chat with some of the many wives whom the LLB has slept with without incurring any disbarment whatsoever.
Lynette is sitting in a booth at O'Donnell's with Bossy. Lynette looks 100% miserable. It looks smoky in there, and somehow I'm picking up a very "late in the evening" vibe. A man comes over to ask Bossy to dance, and Lynette takes the opportunity to bid her adieus, telling Bossy that this is the fifth night in a row Lynette hasn't been home to tuck in her kids. And yet? Bossy still won't let Lynette leave. Bossy: "It is Friday night, and you have all weekend to play with your kids." Bitchy Bossy! Bossy hands Lynette Bossy's purse and tells Lynette to watch it for her while she goes to dance.
In a small, tearful voice, Bree says, "Right this way," and she turns and walks over to the new gravesite by the edge of the cemetery. The ladies exchange glances and then follow her. A backhoe has Rex's casket suspended over the hole. Bree motions to have it lowered, and Gabby asks Bree if she's sure she's not going to change her mind: "I mean, there's no turning back after this." Bree: "If you think I'm going to lay to someone for eternity who thinks I'm a murderer, you're crazy. As far as I'm concerned, let him decompose with strangers." With her eyes closed, she pulls off her wedding ring and throws it at the casket. I, too, wonder if there won't be some time in the future when Bree might wish she had that ring -- to hock, or to give to Danielle? Huh. Bree, it appears, has lost her marbles. But it sure is nice to see all the ladies there, especially Edie. I'm totally into the "frank and bitchy voice of reason" she's adding to the group, and I'd say she's finally achieved official Housewife status.
And here comes MAVO, ready to wrap things up with a neat little bow: "Everyone in the world needs someone they can depend on, be they faithful friends..." The ladies all walk alongside Bree as she leaves the cemetery. MAVO: "...determined advocates..." Lawyer Bradley goes over some paperwork with Carlos. MAVO: "...or a loving family." Lynette strolls up to her house, wearing her work clothes. It's daylight, so it looks like she got off work super-early. Mr. Mom Tom is waiting for her on the porch with their wildly under-developed youngest, Penny (who is supposed to be well past age one but looks to be maybe six months old here). MAVO: "But occasionally in life, the people we thought would always be there for us...leave." Wally sits at home, alone, munching a pizza, and while I know it's supposed to be a lonesome, pitiable scene, it falls short for me because the pizza looks so good that all I feel is envy for him. MAVO: "And if that happens, it's amazing the lengths we'll go to, to get them back." The camera floats past framed photos of Mary Alice and Zana until we get to a very scruffy-looking CreePaul, who picks up a sinisterly sharp letter-opener and...opens a letter!
: Bree has a sleepover date with George, gross!