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Lynette and Tom finally find a couple with kids tough enough to play with the Scavo twins. Unfortunately, the couple also has prohibitive amounts of home-porn pride. Edie and Karl break up, and Karl ends up at Susan's for the night. Susan and Karl share their sad breakup stories, and also a bottle of wine. Cut to the morning, when Julie walks in on the two of them in bed, asleep but clearly post-coital. After Julie leaves in a huff, Karl asks Susan if maybe she wants to give their relationship another go. A suddenly mature Susan thanks Karl for the offer, and the lovely evening, but declines, so Karl goes back to Edie (and yet, at the end, we see him gazing upon a photo of Susan he has hidden in the pages of a book). George takes Bree to see his new house and then proposes to her in front of his mother and his real estate agent. Not wanting to be rude, Bree says yes. Later, Dr. Goldfine wonders if she's not rushing into things, what with Rex being dead just two scant months. (You think?) Bree, who starts having second thoughts (you think?), tells George about Goldfine's concerns. So George? Throws Dr. Goldfine off an overpass. An overpass! Caleb from under the stairs escapes the Applewrong compound. Matthew and Betty go searching the neighborhood for him, but Matthew only finds a cigarette-smoking, bikini-clad Danielle. Danielle and Matthew do some flirting, and the stage seems to be set for some sexy Matthew/Danielle intrigue in the not-so-distant future. Meanwhile, Caleb's actually hiding out in Gabby's house, and when Gabby happens upon the mysterious and large Caleb in her closet, she screams and takes off running. She's a third of the way down the stairs when her too-tight dress trips her and she falls down, down, down. Caleb runs away, and Gabby gets carted off in an ambulance, clutching the picture from her sonogram to her breast. Meaning the baby is gone, or at least in big danger of being lost! (AN OVERPASS!) Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previouslies: Gabby is pregnant, Karl still had a spark of feeling left for Susan, Dr. Goldfine told Bree that he thinks she's still hung up on Rex's death, and Betty wrote an anonymous letter to the police saying that they've got the wrong man.
MAVO: "It is often said that necessity is the mother of invention. This is how mothers came to invent play dates: so, occasionally, they could have a little time for themselves." A mother drops off her daughter at another mommy's house and giddily informs the host mommy that she'll be back to pick up daughter after her spa session. "But there are some mothers that [sic] don't get to take advantage of this maternal innovation. Mothers like Lynette Scavo, who was no longer able to rest on weekends because her twins no longer received play date invitations." We see, in flashbacks, all the suffering caused by the P-twins' devilry: the boy they convinced could fly, the boy they convinced to ride his bike blindfolded, and the boy they talked into a game called "toss the brick." MAVO: "The Scavo twins had become persona [sic] non gratis, and Lynette's secret dream of being able to take an occasional nap on Saturdays was growing dimmer and dimmer."
In the now, we see Lynette sitting on a bench and gazing longingly, and semi-consciously, at the various mommies socializing in the park. MAVO: "Until one day..." Lynette spies the P-twins brawling behind a bush, and runs over to pull apart the cluster of squirming, punching boys. When she separates the mob, she sees that the P-twins have locked horns with another set of twins. Out of habit, Lynette apologizes to the new twins on behalf of her boys, but the new twins proudly inform her that they were the ones doing the damage. Lynette -- looking kind of excited (because what mother isn't thrilled to discover her child has received a whopping whooping?) -- asks one of the P-twins whether it's true, and he tells her sullenly that "it didn't hurt that much."
Just then, the new twins' mommy comes running up, and she looks about as frantic as Lynette did just seconds before. "What have I told you about ganging up on people?" the mom yells at her boys. Lynette watches the scolding with true glee. The mommy apologizes to Lynette, telling her that she'll gladly pay for any doctor bills, but Lynette smiles and says that the P-twins can stand up for themselves. In fact, Lynette got the "feeling they were sort of enjoying themselves." The mom looks totally shocked, and the "could this BE?" Wisteria music starts trilling. Mommy: "Really?" Lynette nods giddily. Mommy, with a voice full of fragile, fragile hope: "What would you say to bringing your boys over to my house and letting them hang out with mine some time?" Lynette's face lights up like she's just won the lottery. MAVO: "And that's how Lynette finally got what she needed: time for herself, and play dates for her kids."
Cut to Lynette asleep on the couch. The doorbell rings, and it's the mom, returning Lynette's P-twins. The boys are bloodied and scuffed. The mom is sorry to report that the four boys decided to have a rock fight. P-twin #1, super-enthusiastically: "It was fun!" Lynette: "Well, they look fine to me!" The mom is thrilled. Lynette asks her, "Same time week?" And while I like to make fun of Lynette and her less-than-stellar parenting instincts, I've got to say, part of me (and not a small part) kind of loves her brusque "eh, they'll be fine" practicality. At least she's not overprotective -- one of those moms who fuss over their children so much that they grow up into shell-less crabs, completely incapable of dealing with anything. ["Word. Parents in general are way too antsy these days. (Not my friends who have kids and might read this. You all are great.)" -- Wing Chun]
The credits roll for all of three seconds, and then, suddenly...we're back! Wow, they're really hopping to it this week.
MAVO: "Cameras are simple tools designed to capture images -- images that tell us more about ourselves than we realize." This rather obvious and also idiotic intro paves the way for a parade of framed photos, starting with a group shot of Bree, Gabby, Lynette, Susan, and Mary Alice. "They remind us of the long journey we've taken" (we see a framed photo of Karl, Susan, and Julie, all smiling hugely), "the loved ones who traveled alongside us" (photo of the Scavo brood), "those we lost along the way" (the waxen wedding shot of Bree and Rex), "and those waiting for us on the road ahead." The photo montage of photos ends with a close-up on Gabby's sonogram picture, which she's currently using as a coaster at a gathering of the Ladies (minus Lynette). They're all huddled around Gabby's table, having ice cream and consoling Susan (who, you may remember, was sobbing her guts out in the middle of Wisteria Lane when last we saw her). Gabby lifts up her cup, thus revealing the sonogram once more, and Edie's expression sours: "Okay, how am I supposed to eat with a uterus staring me in the face?" Yay, Edie! The ladies all cluck and chirp over the unborn fetus, and Bree tells Gabby that she needs to get it framed (after all, "cameras are tools designed to capture images -- images that tells us more about ourselves than we realize"). Gabby pooh-poohs them all and tosses the pic in a drawer. Bree smilingly chastises Gabby, all, "Come on, that's a picture of your baby, you can't tell me you're not a little bit excited." Gabby, waving her hands around sarcastically: "Fine. I'm pregnant. Wheeeeeee!" The ladies giggle.
The focus shifts from Gabby's underwhelming pre-natal love to broken-hearted Susan and her need for more break-up mint chip ice cream. (Hey, that's a great idea: Break Up Ice Cream! Ben? Jerry?) Edie: "Susan? Why are you so eerily calm? Mike Defino just dumped you. The Susan Mayer I know would be a blubbering mess right now. Come on. Trot her on out. She's fun to watch." And the way Edie says "trot her on out" is very Queen of Hearts-ish. WheeeEdie! Susan confesses that she's actually feeling very "Zen" about the whole thing. Bree says something consoling about how Mike is sure to come to his senses in a few days, but Susan rejects the idea: "No. I came between a man and his son. It was a huge betrayal. I can't even blame him for hating me." Has Susan been taking her grownup vitamins? Because this is more mature than I've ever seen her. The ladies try to defend Susan's actions, pointing out that when Susan sent Zana away, she was only trying to protect Julie. Susan, shaking her head: "Over the past couple of days, I gave myself a long, hard look in the mirror, and I did not like what I saw." Edie: "I'm with you." Ha ha! Edie, three for three! Susan says something about how, if she can find it within herself to act like an adult for once, then maybe some time much, much later, she and Mike can be friends. Edie accuses Susan of being "numb," not "Zen," but Susan insists that she's fine. Then she pauses for a little, sad second, and then asks Gabby if she has any pie. Gabby: "Not unless we made some." Susan: "I can't wait." One by one, the ladies all look at Bree, and really, if anyone were to suddenly develop magical "point and pie" powers, it would be Bree. And the sprightly "wait a minute, Susan eats?" Wisteria music swells!
Over at the Scavos', the other twins are getting dropped off by their parents, whom for no reason whatsoever I'll hereafter refer to as Mr. and Mrs. Porndog. (Incidentally, Mr. Porndog is being played by "Hey! It's That Guy" Larry Miller). Mrs. Porndog tells Lynette to call if there are any problems, since they'll be at home, having a "quiet night." (As we learn later, the couple has invested heavily in soundproofing.) The boys race inside, and immediately we hear that they've managed to break something. Tom makes a crack about how the Scavos' evening is shaping up to be quite the opposite of said "quiet night." Mr. Porndog reminds the Scavos that he and his wife will be taking the P-twins the following weekend, and Lynette cracks that she has not at all forgotten, no sir!
Later, Tom and Lynette encounter the P-twins out on the stairs, who report that "PJ and Jimmy" are watching a "dumb video that they brought." Lynette: "Well, you should be polite and watch it too; they're your guests." And really, she's right: when friends bring over a pornographic video featuring their parents, it's only polite to sit and watch. Even so, the P-twins keep on walking, and Lynette and Tom head into the room alone and find Little Big P and the Porndog twins raptly watching the TV. The Scavos let their kids have a TV in their room? That seems...unwise. Lynette leans in for a closer look at what's playing: we see Mr. Porndog and Mrs. Porndog, in their underwear, sitting on a bed. Lynette asks the Porndog twins what they're watching, and they inform her that it's a movie: "Mommy and Daddy made it." Everyone in the room pauses for a moment to watch. On the screen, Mr. Porndog asks Mrs. Porndog what she's got "under there," and she says, "Peekaboo!" and flashes him her breasts (only we can't see anything because her backside -- which, incidentally, is abundantly covered in white cotton -- is facing the camera). As though cattle-prodded, Lynette jumps in front of the TV to cover it, and screams at Tom to find the remote. There's much scrambling and fumbling, and corresponding puzzlement from the kids. Way to make "peekaboo" seem fraught evermore with subtext and danger, Tom and Lynette. Time to put another $10 in the "today's mistakes, tomorrow's therapy" jar!
Gabby is down at the Catty Asian Man Boutique, trying on a brain-bendingly tight blue sapphire satin dress. Gabby describes the dress as "glorious," and insists that she must have it. Catty Asian Man (a.k.a. Verne): "I'm not sure you deserve Dolce and Gabbana: you never call, you never write..." Gabby: "Verne, I know I haven't been to the store lately, but I've been busy? Getting my husband out of jail?" Verne: "That is such a white-trash thing to say." Gabby tells Verne that Carlos got the hate crime thing dropped, so now he just has to do his hard labor, and then he'll be out in six months. Verne wonders why, if Carlos is still in the "hoosegow," Gabby would need such a fancy party dress? Gabby explains that some of her New York models friends are coming over, and she doesn't want them thinking she "moved to the suburbs" and now shops at "strip malls." Verne insists that when the model friends see this D&G dress, they'll "crumple to the floor like the Botoxed hags the are." Gabby chortles, and then walks over to another mirror and checks out her ass: "You know? It's a little snug!" It really, truly is: like a satin sausage. Verne agrees, suggesting that Gabby go up a size, to a "zero." Up! To a zero! Gabby is not amused. She calls Verne a "twerp," and insists that she's still a "double zero"! I guess it says something (something about my love of cake perhaps?) that I've never even heard of a size called "double zero" before. And really, fine by me! ["Now that they've enlarged all the sizes at Gap and Banana Republic, my sister could probably use a double zero, but then she's 4'11" and not on a TV show pretending she ever could have been a runway model, Eva Longoria." -- Wing Chun] Verne: "Why're you getting snippy?" Gabby: "Because you just called me fat!" Fat. Size zero. What a crazy, mixed-up world Gabby lives in! Verne tries to soothe Gabby by reminding her that she's actually pregnant. Gabby rubs her hand over her fat, fat belly and whines that she's only three months pregnant, which seems insanely untrue, since it seems like ages and ages since she first discovered she was pregnant, but I guess this exotic space-time continuum explains why she hasn't been showing, belly-wise, until now (an oversight that's been consternating many, many viewers for some time). No. Gabby will not go up a size. Rather, she will skip all food for two days. Verne's jaw drops, and then he laughs: "Okay. You totally deserve to wear Dolce and Gabbana." Cue the "Way to put the baby first, Gabs (you nut job)" Wisteria music!
Susan walks over to Mike's house; on her way, she spies Karl and Edie battling on Edie's front stoop. Huh, when did Edie get her cast off, I wonder? Edie Britt: one fast woman, one fast healer. Susan knocks, and after the very briefest second, Mike opens the door. So either Mike saw Susan coming, or his front hall was the best spot to catch The Edie and Karl Show, or Mike now spends all his time standing with one hand glued to his front-door knob. So to speak. Susan informs Mike that she is there to thank him for leaving a box of her stuff on her porch because, she yuks, if he'd tried to hang on to her Joni Mitchell CDs, she would have had to come after him "with a club." Clearly, Susan is trying for a kind of disarming tone here, but Mike isn't buying it, perhaps because no amount of levity could block out the memory of Susan coming completely unglued in the street just two days before. In the face of Mike's searing lack of laughter, Susan's hopeful smile melts, and she admits that her joke wasn't all that funny: "Actually, I did want to just see if you were aware that you gave me back the Valentine's Day card that I made you." Mike, indeed, was aware. Susan: "Oh, well. I mean, when two people split up, normally they don't give things back like Valentine's Day cards. If you don't want it, you can throw it away, I just...please don't give it back to me. It's tacky." Mike apologizes, and then takes the card and matter-of-factly throws it in a garbage can, which is conveniently located right to the front door. Maybe that's where he pees now that he's permanently attached to his front door? Meanwhile: the card Susan drew for Mike? Looks like it was drawn by a first-grader. It's got hearts along the top, and then there's a boy-shaped thing wearing a striped t-shirt, flanked by a girl (as indicated by the triangle "dress" body and upside-down "U" of hair). Isn't Susan an illustrator? Huh, maybe she was going for some sort of "outsider art" look. Susan gives Mike a sad little smile and says that everybody makes mistakes (which I think is the tail end of her response to his apology). Mike, all icy: "Anything else?" Susan sighs and asks him if he's sure he wants to do this: "I mean, I understand that you don't want our relationship to continue -- you have made that clear -- but I sort of thought down the long corridors of time, maybe you and I could be friends. And if you keep acting like this..." Mike: "Susan, it's over. On every level. Okay? I've moved on. You should do the same." At this point, Edie and Karl's fight escalates, and in the background, we hear Edie yelling "you son of a bitchhhhh!" We see Karl screeching off in his red, red convertible. When the camera returns to Susan, she says, "Well, I'll say one thing for us: even with all our problems, at least we're not acting like that." ["Yeah, her wedding-dress freak-out in the middle of the road was no kind of spectacle at all." -- Wing Chun] Susan turns back to share her jocularity with Mike, but he's already shutting the door. And the "oh Susan, 'Zen' doesn't mean 'oblivious'" music swells!
George leads a blindfolded Bree into an empty house. Nice hardwood floors! Also, nice preppy pearls with sage-green short-sleeved sweater combined with salmon-pink cable sweater tied casually around the shoulders! Bree: "Okay, I'm starting to get the feeling that we're not going to a yard sale." George: "That was just a clever ruse to get you into my car." (Clever ruses designed at luring women into places they don't want to go being George's major at college.) He removes the blindfold, and Bree is understandably confused to find herself in the middle of an empty house, until George confesses with much self-glee that this is the house that he just now bought! Bree, being the nice lady that she is, is thrilled for George. Until! Out of nowhere pops George's mom, along with her friend (who is also George's real estate agent). George introduces a somewhat thrown Bree to his mom, who gushes, "George never introduces me to anyone, so I knew you were special!" They all smile at each other for a weird second, and then George's mom tells them that she and her friend are going to retreat to the back of the house so that George can "well...you know."
As soon as the two giggling ladies clear the room, George sighs and asks Bree if she really does like the house, seeing as he was hoping she would live there with him. Bree looks very surprised by this new development, but that isn't even the half of it, because George pulls out a ring and asks, "Will you marry me?" Bree: "Huh?" George: "I love you, and I think I know how you feel about me. So why wait?" Bree: "George, Rex hasn't even been dead two months!" Wow, George is shaping up to be truly sociopathic, unable to adhere even to the most basic societal norms. George tries to win Bree over with some platitudes about how, if Rex's untimely death taught them anything, it's that they've got to seize the bull by the horns: "If we see a chance for happiness, we should grab it and hold on tight." Bree: "You see, I thought we were going to a yard sale." George: "Please, just say the word and make me the happiest guy on earth." Bree is standing there, trying to catch her breath, when George's mom and her friend race back in, carrying a tray with pre-poured champagne, all, "Congratulations, you two!" and "Mazel tov!" George: "Guys, wait. She hasn't said yes yet." The women apologize, and then retreat maybe two feet and then not so surreptitiously watch on as George re-pops the question. Bree starts in with what appears to be the preamble to a "no," but then she sees George's mother's chin start to tremble. And then Bree, with very weird abruptness, says, "Okay!" George, incredulous: "You will? You'll marry me?" Bree, in the same cheerful-robot voice, repeats her "Okay!" George hugs Bree, who looks pretty much like she's going to barf, and then Mom and Friend rush in and they hug and jump up and down with George, while Bree stands off on her own and chugs down an entire glass of champagne. And the "how stupid could Bree possibly be?" music swells!
It's the middle of the night when a knock sounds on Susan's door. A bleary-eyed Susan stumbles downstairs in her sweats and robe and opens the door. And it's Karl! With luggage in tow! Apparently, he and Edie are no more. Sympathetic Susan invites him in.
Cut to Karl and Susan sitting at the table with a bottle of wine. Karl apologizes for the late hour, saying that he "just couldn't face going to a motel." Susan stretches tiredly and says it's okay; Julie's at a friend's house tonight, so Karl can sleep in her room. Karl smiles and says that the sofa's fine. Susan: "So...am I allowed to ask what happened?" Karl: "You can ask, but I won't tell." Susan, smiling, asks Karl why he won't dish, and he confesses that his reason is embarrassing. And no, he did not cheat on Edie. Susan: "Did she cheat?" Karl: "No." Susan guesses again: "You finally saw her without her makeup?" Karl: "Susan!" Susan, laughing: "I'm sorry." Karl confesses that "things haven't been working for quite a while" and the breakup was "inevitable." Susan: "These days, anybody going through a breakup gets my sympathy." Karl, looking tickled, says, "That's right! I heard you made the plumber angry!" Susan: "Nooo, I made the plumber furious. That is definitely...over. So there'll be no gloating from me." They toast to no gloating. Susan says that, actually, she's trying to keep a "positive outlook on the whole thing"; in fact, she's started writing about it. She thinks it might even make a new book, and not one of her books for kids, either -- an actual adult-type book, all about Susan's many "failed relationships." Karl laughs and asks, "You're not writing about me, are you?" Susan: "You're, like, the first fourteen chapters." Karl asks if Susan's going to be fair, and she says, with a flirty little smile, "I'm going to be honest." Karl: "I was afraid of that." Hmm. I kind of like Susan and Karl together; they're very at ease...you know, when they're not screaming at each other out in the street.
The ...day? I guess? Bree is over getting her head shrunk by Dr. Goldfine. She's telling the story of George's proposal, saying how awful it was, how George's mother and her friend were there, and how if Bree had declined it would have "devastated" George. Dr. Goldfine: "So you agreed to marry him just to be polite?" Bree: "Well, obviously there's a down side to having good manners." That Bree! Dr. Goldfine asks her when she plans to tell George how she really feels, and Bree confesses that part of her actually wants to go through with it: "I know it sounds rash, but there's something comfortable about George." Personally, "comfortable" isn't exactly how I'd describe George. More like "cringetastic." Bree goes on to list the many reasons George is a good companion for her, and many of them are things I've pointed out in the past as signs of their compatibility (if only not for George's supreme craziness): "He has the same tastes and interests, and oh! He likes the opera...we saw Aida last week, and we both cried buckets. It was fun! George loves art, poetry, music. It would be nice to be married to someone who looks for beauty in the world, like I do." Dr. Goldfine appears not at all convinced, and Bree puts her head in her hands and admits that she doesn't know what to do. Dr. Goldfine: "You've said many times how comfortable you are with George. But you don't feel for him the way you felt for Rex." Which, I think, is exactly the point. I think the last thing Bree wants is to put herself in the position of having her heart shattered again: "No. True love is...great. But at this point in my life, I think I'd rather just go to the opera." With a scary and manipulative sociopath.
Meanwhile, over at the Breakup Bond-a-Thon, Susan and Karl appear to be, as the British say, "absolutely legless" (i.e., blasted drunk). Wait a second. If this is happening at the same time as Bree's therapy session, I guess that means that Bree goes to therapy in the middle of the night? Okay! Susan tries to stop Karl as he goes to pour her another glass: "Four glasses is my limit." (Ha! Four glasses? Considering Susan is all of ninety pounds, that means she's actually very, very drunk, indeed -- like, "wake up in Tijuana four days later" drunk). Karl promises to tell Susan why he and Edie split if she agrees to keep drinking. Susan: "Hit me." Karl tops off her glass and tells her, "Edie was making the bed, and found a picture I kept under the mattress -- a picture I didn't want her to see." What was it? Why, a picture of Susan! Which is just something Karl likes to "take a look at every now and then." Susan looks flabbergasted, and also drunk. And wait, is Susan suddenly eating strawberries in this scene? Are things taking a sexy turn? Yes! Because the very thing Karl does is pull Susan in for a kiss! Susan looks incredibly confused, and also drunk, and then she busts into giggles: "What the hell was that?" Karl: "That was something I've been wanting to do for quite some time." Susan scoffs, saying that Karl's just rebounding from Edie. Karl points out that Susan is rebounding from the plumber, so "no harm, no foul." Susan: "Karl...don't be so weird." Ha! For some reason, this didn't strike me as funny before -- Susan calling Karl "weird," but it's very funny on the second viewing. Maybe I'm drunk? Karl: "We're two old friends who suddenly find themselves single. There's nothing weird about us helping each other out to be...a little less lonely." This argument seems to strike a chord with Susan, who looks suddenly looks very "now that you mention it"ish. And also: drunk. Cue the "ill-advised ex sex" music!
Mrs. Porndog is out in front of the Scavos', thanking Lynette and Tom for watching her boys. She reminds Lynette that she and her husband will be there Friday to pick up the P-twins, whom they plan to take to the water park. Lynette -- who's holding baby Penny and looking highly uncomfortable -- tries to broach the "home porn" topic, but Mrs. Porndog starts doing Peekaboo with Penny which, given the most recent context of Mrs. Porndog's Peekabooing, understandably drives Lynette to blurt, "Okay, enough of that!" And then Lynette delivers one of her patented uncomfortable machine-gun "ha-ha-ha"s. Mrs. Porndog asks if there's something wrong, and Lynette, while nodding "no" says, "Actually, yes." Lynette looks over at Tom, who looks embarrassed, and then tells Mrs. Porndog, "We've agonized over whether to tell you this, Norma, but one of your private videos made its way into Jimmy and PJ's bag." Norma looks scandalized, and frantically asks if the kids saw it. Tom assures her, with a seemingly genuine desire to be helpful, that he caught the video in time, before she "took off her bra." Tears spring into Norma's eyes, and she tells the Scavos with a shaking voice that she really has to go. She scampers off to her minivan, and Lynette calls after her that they just thought Norma would like to know what happened. Tom: "Seriously, we're cool with it, as long as you keep it away from the kids!" But Norma screams something unintelligible about how she knew this would happen, and something, something! Without looking back, Norma peels out, and Lynette yells after her, "Norma wait, we're still on for week. The water park. Right?" And the "there goes our one chance to pawn the P-twins off on home pornographers" music leads us into commercial.
Uh oh: Julie's home! She calls out, "Mom?" but gets no answer, so she goes upstairs and opens Susan's door. Surprise! There is Susan, who is naked, and in bed with Karl, who is also naked. Julie sucks in some serious air and lets out a big "oh my god." Susan opens her eyes blearily and says, "Oh! Julie! I thought you were going straight to school?" Julie, flustered: "I needed money for lunch." Karl: "There's a twenty in my pants, if you can find them." Ha! Ha ha! Julie flinches, and then turns abruptly and leaves. Susan and Karl call after her as they struggle mightily to work their way free of the covers.
Downstairs, Julie tips out Susan's purse and grabs money from her wallet. Susan races in, still tying the drawstring of her sweats, and tells Julie that there is a good explanation for the Karl-naked-sex thing. Julie strongly doubts it, but Susan tries to comfort her with the news that Karl and Edie broke up. Julie: "You slept with him the same night he broke up with her?" Susan, somewhat abashed: "Well, I said it was a good explanation, not a great one." Julie gives a disgusted grunt as she grabs her bag and goes to leave. Susan calls after her, but just then, Karl comes in, still buttoning up his pants. Karl: "Hey, Pumpkin!" Julie: "Don't even." Julie leaves, and Susan tells Karl that she feels awful. They agree that they should not have done what they did. Karl: "But I gotta tell you, last night was the best sex ever." Susan: "Wasn't it, though? You were fantastic." Funny! Karl: "I was just trying to keep up with you!" Susan asks why it is that they got so good all of a sudden, and Karl muses that it might have something to do with all the pent-up anger, and their finally figuring out how to channel it. Karl nudges Susan shyly with his shoulder and asks, "So what happens ?" Susan gets up and says she's going to take a shower. Karl: "No, I...I mean with us." Susan: "'Us'? There's no us." But Karl seems reluctant to let go of their newfound chemistry, which he describes as "explosive." Susan: "Karl! Last night was two old friends helping each other through a rough patch. That's it." Karl, plaintively: "Susie-Q!" Susan: "Karl. I want to move on. I don't want to go backwards. I'm sorry." She gives him a big "mwah" kiss on the lips. Susan adds: "But thank you for the explosion. I really needed it." And then she glides off to take her shower. Aw, our little Susan. She's all growed up! Finally.
MAVO: "After forty-eight hours of crash-dieting, Gabrielle prepared to savor the fruit of her labor, but she was dismayed to discover that she herself had ripened considerably." Standing in front of her mirror, Gabby tries to hop and coax the zipper of her Dolce and Gabbana dress closed, but no go. So she stomps outside and orders Ralph the gardener to come inside and help her get dressed. When he hesitates, she barks "NOW!" at him, and basically comes off as a super-duper bitch.
Cut to Ralph struggling and struggling to zip Gabby up, but still the zipper won't budge. He apologizes, insisting that the dress is just "too small." Gabby: "Get me into this dress and I will pay you ten more dollars a week." Ten dollars? Is that supposed to sound extravagant? What was Ralph getting before, three dollars per week? Though I guess, over time, that's like $500 extra a year. But still, the keys to her brand-new car would have been nicer.
Nevertheless, cut to Ralph and Ralph's helper-gardener, who are applying pliers and much brawn to fatty Gabby's overtaxed zipper. Finally, after much grunting and strain, the dress is ON. Gabby thanks god and collapses into a chair. And...RIIIIIP. No! Yes.
Matthew and Betty are in the dungeon, trying to coax some remorse out of Caleb, using a bowl of ice cream as incentive (and a pistol tucked in the back of Matthew's pants as protection). (Hey, is this replacement Caleb or the original "Flasher" Caleb? I can't even tell!) Betty tells Caleb that it breaks her heart to keep him in the basement: "But I can't let you out until I am positive that you will never hurt anyone else again. And the first step is for you to show me that you understand that what you did was wrong." Caleb, in a robot voice: "She was a bad person. She deserved it." Betty does not seem at all pleased to hear this: "No one deserves to die like that, Caleb. Don't you agree?" Caleb remains stubbornly silent, so Betty takes the ice cream and leaves. As she and Matthew lock the door, Caleb starts going crazy, screaming and yanking at his chains. But then he's suddenly quiet, and we see that he's noticed that the brackets that connect his chains to the wall are loosening. And just listen as the "eerie ice-cream killer" music swells!
Meanwhile, over at the House of Home Porn, Lynette and Tom arrive uninvited in an attempt to set Mr. and Mrs. Porndog's minds at ease. As they approach the Porndogs' front door, Lynette says to Tom, "They need to know we don't judge them for what they do in the privacy of their own home." Tom insists the Porndogs' embarrassed silence is a sign that they don't want anything to do with Tom and Lynette, and maybe the Scavos need to respect that. Lynette: "I need these play dates. Tom, we need these play dates." And with that, Lynette rings the doorbell. Tom, whispering: "Fine. But you do all the talking."
Norma opens the door, peeps out a little cry, and then shuts the door. Lynette and Tom are debating whether they should leave when Mr. Porndog opens the door and gives them a friendly "What are you guys doing here?" Lynette apologizes for showing up unannounced, and then explains that she and Tom have something they want to discuss. Mr. Porndog invites them in, and Lynette delivers her spiel about how she's been leaving messages but no one's been calling back, and Tom jumps in and says, "And we really hope it isn't because of the porno video." Lynette, jumping in to correct Tom: "HOME! Home...movies." She goes one to explains that she and Tom don't care at all, and that they certainly don't think it's a reason to keep their kids apart. Tom: "Seriously, it's not a big deal. I mean, as long as you make sure it never happens again. It's the new millennium! We're hip." Lynette agrees: the Porndogs are just "having fun," which is "nothing to be ashamed of."
Cut to the Porndogs and the Scavos sitting in the living room, having drinks. Norma tells Tom and Lynette how relieved she is that they worked things out, confessing, "At one point, we actually talked about selling the house and moving." Lynette clucks sympathetically. Norma thanks them for being "so open-minded," and they all toast enthusiastically. Mr. Porndog: "I gotta tell you, the most embarrassing part about that video was how poorly it was shot: the production values are caca." This comment seems to throw Tom, whose beer arm freezes halfway to his mouth, but Lynette pluckily advances her opinion that "from a lay perspective, it looked very professional." Tom puts down his beer and shoots Lynette a little look. Mr. Porndog: "What you saw was an example of my earlier work. Since then, I've become much more adept at...production. You know: editing and lighting." Uh oh. Are Tom and Lynette going to get invited to join in on a "play date" of their very own, here? Norma: "Leonard has always dreamed of directing movies." Leonard: "Ironic, isn't it? I finally get my wish, and nobody ever gets to see my work." Nobody except his children, and Little Big P, that is. Lynette tells him that she thinks "that is a damn shame." And now she's done it! Leonard asks Norma if they should show the Scavos "The Room," and Norma smiles hugely. Oh boy. Leonard knocks back his drink, and his eyebrows give a little "let's go!" salute to the Scavos, who look absolutely stunned.
Cut to Tom and Lynette watching on as Leonard gives a rundown of all the specs for his camera, and also "dark sheets, so you don't get that kick off the pillows...took me a while to learn that little trick." Tom and Lynette don't say anything to this, but they both have "you don't say!" smiles pasted on their faces. Leonard: "These walls are completely soundproof. You could scream your lungs out in here and nobody would hear you!" Which, I think, is one of the scarier pieces of news you could ever receive from a new friend. Wow. Where in the hell is this scene headed? Norma -- who seems to be getting the fact that Leonard is oversharing -- agrees that it is, indeed true that no one can hear you screaming when you're in this room. Wow, poor Norma! Or wait, maybe she's into it? Hm. I can't...quite...tell. Proud Leonard tells the Scavos that any time they want to set up a shoot, all they have to do is let him know. Norma: "You guys would love it. Once you get in front of that camera, you feel like a...star." Oh okay. I guess Norma's into it. Tom puts his arm around Lynette, and she fires off an anemic version of her machine-gun giggle.
Cut to the Porndogs waving enthusiastically as Lynette and Tom take their leave. As the Scavos beat their retreat, Tom says to Lynette, under his breath, "I'm thinking no more play dates." Lynette: "Not a one."
Bree shows up at George's house, and though she thinks that they're going to a movie, George has different plans: "My mother had a couple of friends who really wanted to meet you, and I thought, what the heck, could be fun! Do you mind?" And while clearly Bree does mind, she agrees. George swings open the door, and there's a huge crowd of people standing there, clapping. There's also one empty folding chair in the middle of the room: a hot, hot seat for Bree to sit in, maybe? Bree looks mighty chagrined, but she waves gamely and joins the party like the trouper she is.
Cut to Bree and George, sipping champagne and standing around in one of those weird "hacky sack" conversation circles, along with George's horrible mother, a random aunt, and Stan, George's mother's tax man. Stan compliments George on what a "knockout" Bree is, and says he owes George an apology. George explains to Bree that because George was single for so many years, Stan had always told George's mother that her son was gay: "I'm still going to need some proof...I guess I'll be getting that in about nine months, eh, Bree?" Ugh. Do people really say stuff like that anymore? They do in Fairview, I guess. Bree, for some reason, is confused by this comment, and George explains that it's just Stan's "little joke" about when they're going to start a family. He adds, "Just so you know Stan, it's going to be a while before we even think about kids. I want Bree all to myself for awhile." Yuck, yuck, yuckmouth! Somewhere around here, you can see that Bree's discomfort starts shifting to anger. George's mom: "Well, you don't want to wait too long; after forty, the eggs don't get any fresher. Am I right, Bree?" Classy! Bree laughs falsely and then excuses herself and walks right on out the door. If only she'd keep on walking!
But sadly, George runs after her, and asks her where she's going. Bree, without stopping, informs him, "I'm taking my champagne and my aging eggs and I'm going home!" George asks what's wrong, and Bree turns and confesses to him that she's beginning to think they may have rushed into things. Wow, this thought is only just now occurring to her? Bree: "And I'm not the only person to think that; other people have said the same thing." George: "What other people? Andrew?" Bree: "No! Dr. Goldfine, my therapist." George grumpily says that Bree's therapist doesn't know George. Bree: "Well, he knows me! Certainly better than you do!" George is galled by this comment, but Bree informs him that at least Dr. Goldfine knows that she doesn't want any more children. George, somewhat taken aback, says, "Really. Oh. I didn't know that." And yet, as Bree points out, that's the exact kind of thing that two people engaged to be married should know about each other. Bree turns to leave, and George lurches after her, insisting that he doesn't need children. Bree: "It's not just that, George. Dr. Goldfine has other concerns about us being together, and I'm starting to think he's right." As the "uh oh, Dr. Goldfine, watch your ass!" music swells, George tells Bree that he agrees with Dr. Goldfine about one thing -- that they should slow down: "Just because two people are engaged doesn't mean they have to get married any time soon." Bree sighs and tells George that she'll talk it over with Dr. Goldfine the day. George encourages her to take whatever time she needs, and she hands him her empty champagne glass, gets in her car, and drives off, leaving a very pensive-looking George in her wake.
Matthew and Betty head down to the cellar and discover that there's nothing in the dungeon but Caleb's empty manacles. I guess I know how he worked his chains free, but I'm not sure, exactly, how he managed to get his hands free of the cuffs, nor how he got out the locked door: the last time he got out, it was because the door lock was accidentally left half-cocked, but this time, the lock was fastened tight. In any case, Caleb's free! To do what he wants! Any old time! Matthew comes running out of the house, Betty follows him, and together they start walking up Wisteria Lane, their heads swiveling nervously. And just listen as the "escape of the mentally deficient and unrepentant murderer" music soars.
In a weird time shift, it's now daytime, but Betty and Matthew are still scouring the neighborhood for Caleb. Matthew says something about how people are going to start coming home soon, which means they've been searching all night, and then all day? Also, someone's always home on Wisteria Lane, so I'm not at all sure what he's talking about here. Betty walks up to Bree (who's out in front of her house gardening) and distracts her by asking how she gets her hydrangeas looking so good. (Answer: horse manure. "I have it delivered," Bree confesses, "Susan makes fun of me, but the proof is in the pudding" -- such a delightfully Bree thing to say!) Meanwhile, Matthew heads out back to poke around the Van de Kamp back yard. Sadly, Caleb is nowhere to be found. Danielle, however, is easy to spot, lounging there by the pool, though she hardly looks recognizable. For one thing, she's smoking, wearing a tiny bikini with a Mrs. Robinson-esque robe, and strutting around with a confidence that belies her Abstinence Club membership. "Looking for something?" Danielle calls out to Matthew, who's busy trying to open some door (to the garage? pool room?). Startled, Matthew coughs and stammers, and then recovers enough to tell Danielle that he's actually there looking for her -- that when they met, he thought she was "really cool." Danielle: "So you came to ask me out?" She leans over her lounger, ostensibly to adjust her towel but really to adjust her ass in the direction of Matthew's face. Danielle looks flirtily over her shoulder at Matthew and says that she'll totally say yes, if he's asking. Matthew gives her a confused/startled look, and appears totally silenced by Danielle's boldness.
Out front, Bree and Betty are finishing up their stirring horse-shit conversation. Bree turns and goes into the house, and Matthew, who's been waiting in the bushes, comes out of hiding. Betty: "Anything?" He shakes his head no. Betty: "Well, that was a waste of time." Matthew, following Betty, lets out a small, secret smile and says, "Pretty much." Now what was that supposed to mean?
Susan's out watering her lawn when up walks Edie. Edie wonders if Susan's heard the big news: Edie and Karl are back together! Susan squirts out a startled "What?!" Edie: "And I know that he stayed at your place last night, which leads me to why I'm here: there's some stuff I have to say, and it's not going to be pleasant." Susan, looking guilty, tries to say something, but Edie cuts her off: "Whatever it was that you said to him...really helped!" Apparently, Karl, just moments after getting the big kiss-off from Susan, showed up at Edie's bearing flowers and apologies. Edie, with great difficulty, forces out a "thank you" for Susan. Susan: "I'm sorry, what?" Edie: "I'm not going to say it again; it hurt my teeth the first time!" Susan tells Edie that her news is "so unexpected on so many different levels" that Susan "doesn't know what to say." Edie: "Then say nothing." She reaches into her purse and hands over the photo of Susan and Karl that Edie found in Karl and Edie's bed. Susan is, again, confused. Edie: "Look, I appreciate whatever it was that you did last night, but it's still important for you to understand that I WON." She goes on to explain that, now that the photo has been returned, Susan can stop gloating over whatever "little hold" she had over Karl, because it's "officially over": "So you can stop feeling all smug and superior that he kept that...thing [the photo]." Susan assures Edie in a tired voice that she doesn't feel at all superior. Edie: "Good! Because you shouldn't. He made his choice, and it's not you." Susan: "You're right, he made his choice." Edie saunters off, and Susan, in an act of admirable restraint, neither yells after Edie something mean about her "explosive" sex with Karl, nor does she squirt Edie with her hose. Quite the big girl, our Susan!
-- in a scene that's clearly meant to evoke Scarlett squeezing her way into that little dress in Gone with the Wind -- Gabby holds onto her bedpost as Bree pulls the dress tighter and sews it into place. Gabby: "Bree! It's still too easy to breathe; you gotta make it tighter!" Bree says that if the dress gets any tighter, Gabby will be unable to sit down. Gabby: "I don't care! I can't have these girls thinking I'm pregnant!" Bree tries to apply logic to the situation, pointing out that, surely, these girls aren't going to make fun of Gabby; surely they know of some other women who have embarked on this thing called "babies"? Gabby: "When I decided to marry Carlos, I told these girls that I would spend the rest of my days being rich and in love and childless, and they laughed at me and they said I would just end up being another fat hausfrau, living a life that I didn't plan. I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of knowing they were right." Gabby ends this tirade with a little tear in her eye, so clearly she's feeling some sadness here. Bree suggests that perhaps Gabby's friends will actually be happy for her. Gabby: "Bree, my friends are models. They're never happy for anyone." Bree shifts gears and asks Gabby if she thinks she's going to like motherhood. Gabby raises her eyebrow in a "yeah right" sort of arch, and gives Bree a definitive "NO." Bree pushes on with the Qs, saying that surely Gabby's going to love her baby, right? Gabby: "I'm not saying I'm not going to grow attached to the little bugger; I just don't have the motherhood gene." Bree chortles and insists that, in a few months, Gabby's going to come to Bree and say how madly in love she is with this new little baby, and Bree will just have to "resist the urge to say 'I told you so.'" Gabby says, "Maybe," without much conviction. Bree tells Gabby that she's done sewing up the zipper, and Gabby shuffles across the room (the dress is still very, very tight) and turns to ask Bree how she looks. Bree: "Positively glowing!" Gabby rolls her eyes and tiptoes out of her room, and Bree looks after her and laughs. I like these two together: altogether, it was a nice, warm scene!
Dr. Goldfine is out jogging on an overpass. (I initially thought it was a bridge, but careful examination revealed that, where there would be water, tall trees grow. Also you can totally hear the sound of traffic, and yet there are no cars in sight. So: therefore, I deem this bridge an overpass.) The whimsical "everything's fine, everything's dandy" Wisteria music is already trilling away, so you know the good doctor is in trouble. And here it comes! George, with his helmeted head tucked, cycles past Dr. Goldfine, and then parks his bike and starts stretching against the short-ish cement wall of the overpass. The second Dr. Goldfine comes into range, George grabs him, punches him, slams his head down on the wall, and then tosses him over the side. If you listen closely, you can hear the sickening sound of Dr. Goldfine's body landing just a few split seconds later. George takes a quick look around and then rides off. And...goodnight, Dr. Goldfine! Wow. George was so very casual about that there murder, I wonder if he's done something violent like that before? I mean, killing Rex by passively switching his pills is one thing. But beating, smashing, and tossing a person to their death? That's something else altogether, and frankly it entails a kind of muscular strength I didn't think George would be capable of. Again I say: wow. Also? Poor Bree! When she discovers that she's engaged to a violent murderer, she's really going to need a good therapist.
Gabby, wearing a towering hairpiece and the same blue dress, is standing in her foyer arranging flowers when the doorbell rings. As she geisha-steps over to the door, the caterers in the background say something about opening the champagne. Caterers! Champagne! Gabby, it appears, really went all out for what is basically just a party of four women who don't eat. Gabby throws open the door, and there are her three model friends. (I don't know much about these things, but given their height and the standard quality of their good looks, I'd say they were more catalog models than supermodels. Spiegel catalog models, even.) Immediately, they all start flapping their hands and screaming that high-pitched "ahhhhhhhh!" that is some women's way of saying hello. Once the screams die down, the models take a good look at Gabby, and the middle one yells, "Oh my god, you're pregnant." Gabby's face falls comically -- all that squeezing and fasting for naught! -- and the girls flock around Gabby, hugging and squealing.
Much later, Bree is sitting in her living room, drinking a very full glass of white wine and (I think) putting photos in an album. There's a knock on door: it's Gabby, ready for Bree to come over and cut her out of the dress. Bree asks her how the reunion went, and Gabby confesses that it was actually "weird." Apparently, one of her model friends is mad that she's losing jobs to eighteen-year-olds, another is on a strict diet of cruciferous vegetables, and the third one is undergoing a new embryonic facial treatment that "probably causes short-term memory loss." Bree laughs, and Gabby tells her that she couldn't really remember why she was ever friends with these people. Bree calls Gabby "honey" and tells her that "people change." Gabby: "Yeah, that's the thing: they haven't changed. That's who they've always been. I've changed. And I honestly don't know how." Bree suggests that maybe she, and Lynette, and Susan, have had a good influence on Gabby? (I guess Edie still isn't quite at official Housewife status yet...or maybe she is, but she's too slutty to make the "good influence" list.) Gabby says that she doubts it, and then gives Bree a warm smile. Bree stands and shows Gabby to the door, saying that when she finishes up (with the photo album? the wine?), she'll grab her sewing kit and come over to Gabby's to cut her free. Gabby jokes that she hopes Bree will hurry, because she's been "having to pee since hors d'oeuvres," and then, at the door, Gabby turns and sweetly asks Bree if she's free to go shopping tomorrow: "I figured it's probably time I bought some clothes that actually fit." Bree smiles and says she knows of a store that carries designer maternity clothes. Gabby says she likes the sound of that, but I'm barely listening at this point as I'm struggling to get my mind around the concept of size-zero maternity clothes.
Gabby minces her way into her house, and notices that the refrigerator door is wide open. She goes over and closes it, but doesn't see the open ice quart of cream that's sitting out on the counter. And before you can say, "Gabby the size zero ex-model? Eating ice cream?," let me remind you that the ice cream breakup social from earlier in the episode was here at Gabby's house. (That's a nice bit of continuity!) The first strains of "scary man in the house" music start to play, and Gabby heads upstairs, where she notices an empty bowl sitting in her closet. She walks over to investigate, and when she turns, she sees large, large Caleb standing before her. He's totally backlit, so all you can see is his hugeness. Gabby screams, throws the bowl at him, and then runs for it. She's about a third of the way down the stairs when she trips (I'm guessing because of the tightness of her dress); she bumps, rolls, and ass-over-tea-kettles the whole rest of the way down. Hey, was that another Scarlett reference?
Stunned and obviously in pain (but with dress still intact...nice stitching job, Bree!), Gabby writhes and groans on the floor, and is completely unable to get up when Caleb walks slowly down the stairs toward her. He stands over her for a few seconds, once again backlit and totally unrecognizable. (I wonder, are they trying to pave the way for some kind of ID confusion later down the line, or is this just part of smoothing over the switch of the actors playing Caleb? Hmm.) After a few seconds, Caleb steps over Gabby and casually walks out the door.
The sound of an ambulance siren transitions us to the scene: a crime photographer is taking photos, Bree is getting her statement taken by a policeman, and Gabby is being rolled out of her house on a gurney. MAVO: "Yes, cameras are tools designed to capture images." Gabby motions Bree to come closer, and then she whispers something in her ear. Bree tells the ambulance people that she needs to go get something for Gabby before they leave, and tears back into the house. MAVO: "But in truth, they can capture so much more. They can uncover hidden longing of men who should no longer care." We see Karl gazing upon a photo, this one of just Susan, and then slipping it into a book. Uh oh, poor Edie! MAVO: "They can reveal the extraordinary secrets of the most ordinary marriages." We see the Porndogs happily eating popcorn and watching themselves sex it up on video. MAVO: "Most amazing of all, cameras can quietly and clearly reveal to us our dreams -- dreams we didn't even know we had." Bree runs out of Gabby's house and steps into the ambulance. As she sits to Gabby, she hands her the sonogram picture, and Gabby looks at it tearfully, and then holds it to her chest and closes her eyes. The ambulance doors close, and the light goes off inside the ambulance. And suddenly I'm totally choked up! Hell.