Previously: Bree tossed her wedding ring into Rex's grave, Carlos got manipulated into hiring the Lecherous Lawyer Bradley, and Susan sent Zana to Utah.
First, let me say that I really liked this episode, so it was kind of a shock to discover, after reading the boards, that I'm somewhat in the minority on this front. Maybe I've managed to confuse something that makes me cringe with something truly moving? Or maybe my standards have lowered in response to the overall decline of the show? I'm not really sure. All I know is that this episode flew by (for a change), and that I laughed aloud more that once, and actually had to cover my eyes on three separate occasions. Which is good, right?
MAVO: "George Williams had never been lucky in love. It seems that the women he dated always invented reasons not to consummate their relationship." We flash back to a series of women giving George lame excuses: one is afraid they'll wake the roommate, one has to get up really early for work, and one super-Whitesnakey slutty blonde very obviously lies that she's "saving herself for marriage." As each of the women closes her door in his face, George's hair blows back in a semi-hilarious way. MAVO: "Sadly for George, it was one unoriginal excuse after another." Back in the now, George bounds up the stairs to Bree's house, bouquet in hand. MAVO: "But since he'd started seeing Bree Van de Kamp, George couldn't help but [sic] feel his luck was about to change." Bree answers the door looking lovely in pearls, a blue wrap shirt, and a fitted black skirt (though with heavy dark eye makeup that is, perhaps, somewhat tranny). She gleefully informs George that the kids are away (you know, Andrew's at deprogramming camp and Danielle is...wherever it is that Danielle conveniently disappears to). George looks 3,000,000% stoked by this news. Wait, was Andrew right? Is George a virgin?
After dinner, Bree and George head into the living room, wine glasses in hand. Bree is babbling that the sauce for the duck was a little thick...honk-chew, honk-chew, honk-chew, is this boring babble out of nervousness? Or complete social retardation? I'm beginning to wonder if Bree's long history of inappropriate outbursts sprinkled amongst a field of endless tedious small talk is less a matter of piquant zaniness and more just a sign of undersocialization. George asks, as men always do, if he can take down Bree's hair. Bree complies, and her hair swings into place with that little flip at the bottom that we all know, love, and remember with much warmth. George was right to take her hair down -- curse him and his stereotypically mannish "long hair down=sexy" ideas -- Bree does indeed look good with her hair down. She meekly, nervously, seedily asks George if the hair-down approach looks better. Bree! Where is the woman who so self-confidently commanded George and his erection to stand down? She really is a sad, sad shadow of her former self. By way of an answer, George plants a tender, delicate peck on her lips, and Bree swoons and tells him how nice the kiss was. Green light! George dives on top of her. Bree struggles a bit, and George asks if "this" is okay. Bree: "I thought we were going to let the duck digest a bit, but...what the heck!"
“ Bree says she feels 'something weird.' George: 'That was my tongue. It extends farther than most. I should have warned you.' Ha! Also, I'm trying to imagine how such a warning might unfold: over the duck, George tells her, 'By the way, Bree, I have an enormously probing Gene Simmons- like tongue. Just, you know... heads up!' ”
George grinds his mouth on Bree's face for a few seconds more, until she sits up, clutching the back of her neck, and says she feels "something weird." George: "That was my tongue. It extends farther than most. I should have warned you." Ha! Also, I'm trying to imagine how such a warning might unfold. Like, over the duck, George oh-so-casually says, "By the way, Bree, I have an enormously probing Gene Simmons-like tongue. Just, you know...heads up!" Or maybe he should have had a bumper sticker made. Anyway, Bree doesn't think the problem is George's giraffe tongue; rather, it's something disturbing actually on her neck. George looks concerned for one nanosecond, and then dives back on top of her. After a few more seconds of this, she starts violently scratching at her neck, and George finally backs off, commenting that she appears to have a "huge rash." And she really, really does. Do you remember that episode on the original Star Trek, when that alien sucked the essential salts out of people's bodies using its sucker-covered "hands"? Well, Bree's rash looks very much like those salt-sucker wounds. In short: this isn't the foxiest we've ever seen Bree look. But at least her hair's finally down! George wonders if maybe it was something she ate, but that's not possible: she's made duck l'orange countless times! Abruptly it occurs to her, as it occurred to so many of us like ten episodes ago, that George is the hive-maker. Without further ado, she kicks George out onto the stoop, and he whines, "But the kids are away...I was sort of hoping we would make love tonight." Ewww! Bree: "How are we going to do that, George? You have just given me hives." She shuts the door in his face, and once again his hair blows back in that oh-so familiar way. MAVO: "Though painful to hear, George had to admit: at least this excuse was original." You see that there? Kind of funny!
Susan is helping mom Sophie get fitted into a big, fluffy white wedding dress. MAVO says some gross stuff about how little girls, and also big girls (i.e. Susan), dream of white weddings. (You know who else? Billy Idol! Billy Idol dreams of white weddings.) MAVO goes on about how frustrating it is for little big girls to wait for the little big boys in their lives to propose. As Susan pins Sophie's dress, she shoots mournful looks over at Mike, who's on the couch reading a paper. Wait a second. Just how long have Susan and Mike been really, truly dating? A scant year at most, right? Considering that it's been the most tumultuous year ever -- with multiple breakups and get-back-togethers and guns and kidnapping and bodies -- a sane woman should still be miles away from thoughts of big fluffy white dresses. But of course Susan isn't a sane woman, no not at all. Susan absentmindedly stabs Sophie with a pin. Sophie cries out, and Susan, all frustrated, tells her to go to a real dressmaker. Sophie suggests that they trade roles: Susan will put the dress on while Sophie does the pinning, since they're still the exact same size and all. ["Since I'm not afraid, looking at her, that Lesley Ann Warren might Karen Carpenter over at any second, that's just not true." -- Wing Chun] Susan sighs and rolls her eyes at that last part, and Mike chuckles over their bickering. Sophie tells Mike that he'll have to leave during the dress swap because he can't see Susan in a wedding dress -- not until their "big day." Susan, understandably mortified, gasps and gives a teenaged "Mom!" yelp. Mike, absently: "No, it's not a problem, I can see her in it." Both Susan and Sophie's faces fall. What? Mike doesn't want to marry Susan? But then Mike clarifies, still with eyes glued to the paper: "I assume you'll want to pick out your own wedding dress when we get married." This causes the two ladies to explode with excitement. Sophie says that Mike sounds like he proposing. Mike, still not looking up: "Did it? Huh, what do you know." Sophie wonders if he's planning to "pop the question"?! Mike: "Well, if she knows it's coming, then it's not really a 'pop.'" This sends Susan into a spiral of questions about when, approximately, he's going propose. Mike puts her off, once again referring to the definition of "pop," and then heads out. Sophie pumps both fists into the air with a big "yay!" Susan gives another little teen-exasperated "Mom!," but then bites her lip and smiles.
“ The LLB is marching Gabby home so that she can change out of her slutty Solid Gold dancer outfit and into something more sympathetically mother- to-be. ”
Bree, her hair down (more yay) and in a very cute cashmere sweater (white with built-in black neck sash), is at Dr. Goldfine's office. She is telling him about her rash, and insists that it had absolutely nothing to do with, as Dr. G suggests, a subconscious desire on her part to sabotage things with George, or any lingering feelings that "making love" to another man would mean she was cheating on Rex. Bree: "Rex is dead. You can't cheat on a corpse." In any case, Bree doesn't even believe in the subconscious! Dr. G points out that, clearly, something subterranean is going on: Bree's been rubbing her vacant ring finger throughout the entire session. Bree looks unsettled by this observation. And yet? While some of this is clearly about Bree missing Rex, isn't it possible that the finger rubbing is simply the tic of absence that comes from the sudden removal of any ring or piece of body jewelry that's been in place for a long period of time?
Down at Lynette's office, there's a staff meeting going on. Bossy Boobs tells Lynette that she's "on point" for Monday's re-pitch to the Kamorov vodka people. Lynette, who is somewhat frantically shoving bagel into her face, says that she's up for challenge. Bossy then asks Lynette to do her a favor, though, and maybe not wear the green suit? Lynette haltingly says that she wasn't planning to. As she says this, she wipes her mouth with her "fuck you" finger. Smooth! Lynette asks Bossy what's wrong with the green suit, and Bossy tells her it's the fabric: it has this "quality" to it that makes it seem like you could "wipe it clean with a damp cloth." This quip earns a few titters from the staff. Bossy pushes Lynette to name which suit, exactly, she plans to wear -- certainly not the grey one, right? Lynette mentions the blue one, and this gets even more laughs. Bossy calls over receptionist Stu, and asks him do his "Lynette and her blue suit" impression, which he did for everyone at lunch. Stu seems somewhat shamefaced about this, so Bossy does it for him: she takes some bagel crumbs and rubs them into her shoulder, saying, "Look at me! I'm Lynette! I've got food stains everywhere!" Lynette's face falls, and, really, this seems unusually, impossibly cruel and clearly something that any normal, real-world boss would confine to one-on-one feedback. Also, I don't really remember Lynette ever looking notably threadbare at work? I mean, she looked good on "Boogie Shoes" night. Though maybe I was just distracted by all the gyrating. Lynette asks, if she gets the suit dry-cleaned, will that be acceptable? Stu points out that the pants also have a split seam in the back. Bossy gives Lynette a big, smug look. Yuck.
The Lecherous Lawyer Bradley and Gabby are at the courthouse. It's forty minutes before Carlos's hearing; the LLB is marching Gabby home so that she can change out of her slutty Solid Gold dancer outfit and into something more sympathetically mother-to-be. Gabby is putting up a stink about how hiding a body such as hers is "never a good idea," and the LLB is pointing out that is, in fact, a good idea when you're trying to come off as "the pregnant, suffering wife, not the cover of Vogue." Suddenly, some guy named "Louis" comes up to them. He's upset with the LLB for filing a restraining order against Louis on behalf of "Crystal." Louis insists that it's all a misunderstanding -- that really he loves Crystal. The LLB: "We all love the pretty ladies at the Stop 'n Shop. But now you've got to love her from fifty yards away." Ha! The LLB tries to walk Gabby away, but Louis trots after them, insisting that the LLB turned Crystal against him. The LLB rather bluntly informs Louis that he's a pathetic stalker. Louis: "Oh yeah? Then why did she ask for my phone number?" The LLB: "She's a cashier. You paid by check. That doesn't make you special." The LLB grabs Gabby again, and they march up the hall. Louis yells at the LLB, all, "Don't you walk away from me!" The LLB exasperatedly turns and says, "This is your problem: you're creepy. Nobody likes you. What you call a conversation the rest of us call harassment. You want a friend? Get a hamster." Which reminds me, did you know that Delia's carries shirts that read "Damn it's good to be a Hamster"? The LLB and Gabby turn away one last time, and Louis totally pulls out a gun and starts shooting. The LLB spins Gabby off to the side of the hall, out of harm's way, as he himself hides behind a bucket full of mops. Miraculously -- either because the LLB's metal briefcase saves him (though there are zero bullet dents in it) or the man's aim is incredibly pathetic -- the LLB survives the attack. Panicked, the man throws the gun at the LLB, and the LLB catches it. So when the police arrive, they mistake him for the shooter, and shoot him in the chest. The LLB collapses to the floor and Gabby screams and crawls over to comfort him.