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Previously on Desperate Housewives: did you watch last week? And the week before that? Then you're fine.
Bree and Mommy Phyllis are at the cemetery with flowers for Rex's grave. Phyllis can't seem to remember where Rex is buried, and MAVO tells us that, over the years, Bree has become increasingly worried about Phyllis's flagging memory. We flash back to all the times Phyllis has forgotten things: the time she left pins in a dress for Bree (result: Bree got stuck); the time she forgot to tell Bree that she'd just finished painting the lawn furniture green (result: Bree ruined an outfit), and the time she forgot to tell Bree about the slipperiness of the newly waxed floor (result: Bree fell to the floor, and not because she was laughing). According to MAVO, though, Bree is always happy to remind the forgetful Phyllis when it comes to the really important things -- like when, exactly, Phyllis plans to end her visit to Wisteria Lane, a question that has plagued the entire viewing audience as well. Phyllis is offended, wondering if Bree thinks of her as a burden or something? Bree soothes Phyllis with a few "of course not"s, and Phyllis sighs and says she guesses that they're just going to have to play her departure by ear. Bree is understandably under-thrilled by the open-endedness of this solution. The two of them finally wend their way to Rex's plot and find...a gaping hole! Bree is stunned, and so is Phyllis, until she "remembers": "Maybe this has something to do with that insurance investigation?" Bree has no idea what Phyllis is talking about. Apparently, the insurance man came by the house when Bree was at the store, and he asked lots of questions. Questions stemming, I'm sure, from Phyllis's oh-so helpful tip-off about how Bree has a boyfriend. Phyllis: "He has a theory that Rex didn't die of a heart attack; he thinks he was poisoned!" MAVO: "It was in that moment Bree could finally see the truth: Her mother-in-law's memory was fine. It was her soul that was faulty." Soul? What soul? And credits!
Three little girls are sitting out on the lawn of 4347 Wisteria Lane. They are having a tea party. MAVO describes each little kid in elaborate detail, telling us what they each bring to the table (the tea, the stuffed-animal guests, the formal attire). It is, I think, the longest MAVO aside ever. Then, in one of the clunkiest transitions ever, MAVO tells us that these girls aren't the only Wisterians who have rich fantasy lives: "One of the older girls in the neighborhood was engaging in a fantasy of her own": we see Gabby gazing out her window at a shirtless Gardener John. She beckons him inside and they melt together into a puddle of sexy. But then the fantasy dissolves and we see that John is not the gardener currently tending to Gabby's hedges. Rather, a fatter, older, shirtless man is doing the honors. Confronted with the reality of her situation, Gabby's face falls.
“ Susan is very anxious and also insane. ”
Cut to Gabby scuttling out to her car. Ralph the friendly not-John gardener asks if she's off to the mall again. Cringing away from his sweaty, party-ball gut, she says yes, she's going shopping. And by "shopping," Gabby means that she's off to go gaze at Gardener John as he mows someone else's lawn. MAVO: "There was nothing Gabrielle enjoyed as much as shopping. And even when she couldn't afford to take anything home, she took satisfaction at looking at the merchandise." Gabby looks at her watch -- I'm not sure why, maybe she's timing John's rate per row...
...and we transition to Susan, who is also looking at her watch. It's 6:15 and apparently Karl was supposed to have Julie back home fifteen minutes ago. Susan is very anxious and also insane. Mike, who's working on his car, watches as she paces and paces in front of her house. Finally, he walks over and tries to talk her down. Susan mutters something about a custody agreement, and how Julie needs to be back by 6. Mike wonders if maybe being fifteen minutes late isn't such a big deal? Susan: "Well, I have a court order; it's out of my hands." By now, they're marching over toward Edie's house. Mike thinks it would be nice if Susan gave Karl a bit of a grace period. Susan insists that she is being nice: she could have Karl arrested. Susan: "Don't get me wrong, I'm all for Julie spending time with Karl, he's still her dad and she loves him." The problem is Edie! Edie isn't exactly the maternal type: "I mean, who knows what passes for a kid-friendly good time in there...drugs, porn, smoking?" They get close to Edie's house, which is emanating music that sounds amazingly kid-friendly -- god-fearing even. Susan walks up to the window and peeks in on the most idyllic scene ever: Karl, Edie, and Julie are in the living room, and Julie is singing "This Little Light of Mine (I'm Going to Let It Shine)." (By the way, this song will be lodged in my mind for three solid days after the episode plays.) Edie's playing guitar, her cute pink cast propped up on the couch, and Karl is smiling and filming the whole scene. As far as porn goes, it's not really all that titillating. Mike whispers in Susan's ear, "Obviously, they saw us coming," as in they only just managed to erase the pentagram, stash the PCP, etc. Mike laughs and Susan stomps away.
Lynette is home with a bag full of school supplies, including a "really cool backpack" for Little Big P, who is poised to start kindergarten. Baby-girl P is penned up on the porch, and the two twin Ps are nowhere in sight. In fact, I don't think I've seen them this whole season. Perhaps they are hiding in Betty's basement, along with Zana and CreePaul and all the other unresolved plotlines? Little Big P is very sad to learn that Lynette isn't going to be taking him to his first day of school due to the fact that she has to work. Lynette: "Mommy's boss is a mean, mean lady, and if I miss work, I'll lose my job, and then we won't have any money to buy food." For some reason, Lynette feels comfy sharing this rather disturbing news (i.e. that the family is this close to starving), but is not willing to take this golden opportunity to teach P that sometimes there are things called "the breaks," and we have to learn to lump them and attend our first day of kindergarten escorted by our loving and entirely available fathers instead. But why teach P not to pout when you can give in with an empty promise: Lynette tells P that she's going to try to talk her boss into letting her come in late -- the very same boss whom Lynette promised (two days ago? two months?) that her children were never going to be a problem. Tom: "Wow, I don't want to rain on your parade, but he just totally manipulated you." Lynette: "Well, hey, when a kid's that good, you've got to give him his due." Lynette tosses the crumpled paper filler from the really cool backpack into the trash, which transitions to...
“ Lie Man: 'Are you in love with Mr. Williams?' Bree gives a startled 'What?' That's a pretty ambiguous question. There are so many different ways a person can love someone: gently, savagely, frequently, upside-down.... ”
, we see Bree in a cinderblock cell, a gizmo clipped to her pointer finger. A man is asking her mundane questions -- what is her name? Was she married to Rex? Did she temporarily separate from Rex last year? -- and watching the results on a laptop. The policeman, Danielle, and Andrew look on through a two-way mirror. Lie Man: "Did you kill your husband?" Bree, emphatically: "No." Bree looks at the laptop screen and sees that her reply made not a blip on the graph. It's odd, I think, to have the subject be able to see the results while the test is being conducted. I'm no scientist, nor am I a policeman, private detective, or pastry chef, but it seems like self-observed results might interfere with the overall validity of the test? Bree looks very happy that the detector has cleared her of murder (though I'm pretty sure that polygraph results aren't submissible in a court of law ["My many thousands of hours of viewing the Law & Order franchise confirm your suspicions." -- Wing Chun]). , the lie-man asks if Bree knows a man named George Williams. This throws Bree for a second, but she answers, "Yes." Lie Man: "During your separation from your husband, did you have a relationship with Mr. Williams?" Bree insists that George is none of their business. The observing policeman goes into the room: "If you want us to take this polygraph seriously, answer the questions we ask, okay?" He leaves the room, and the lie-detecting resumes. In the foreground, Danielle asks Andrew who George Williams is. "He's our pharmacist," Andrew tells her. I guess he never told his sister about how he saw Bree on a date with George. Bree tells the detector "yes," she did have a relationship with George. Lie Man: "Are you in love with Mr. Williams?" Bree gives a startled "What?" And really, that's a pretty ambiguous question. There are so many different ways a person can love someone: gently, savagely, frequently, upside-down.... Bree answers "No" and Lie Man makes a notation on his notepad. Bree looks at the screen and sees that it's spiking wildly. Panicked, she asks the man for a do-over. Again, she denies that she loves George, and again the machine calls her a liar. Danielle asks Andrew whether he saw those results, and indeed he did. So it's settled: Bree loves George! Bree looks in the direction of her children, her face full of shock, regret, and confusion. Actually, I think the whole "neurotic woman unsure of who or what she wants" market is totally ripe for a lie-detector craze.
Susan walks up just as Betty is getting out of the car with a pot of flowers in her hand. Susan's ready for her lesson, and she's ready to make another push for permission to use the "drama pedal": "I think it adds grandeur." What the hell is Susan babbling about? Suddenly, we hear some frantic honking off screen, and then Karl screeches up in his cherry-red convertible. "I want to talk to you!" he yells at Susan. Leaving his car pretty much in the middle of the street, he dismounts and starts right in. Karl cannot BELIEVE that Susan kicked Edie out of Julie's performance! Susan claims, rather snottily, that Julie made that call. Karl: "Because you played the mom card!" Susan falls back on her main excuse -- that this really is a family recital, and Edie does not equal family. Karl counters that she very well could be, someday, and Susan tells him not even to joke about such things. This whole time, Betty is kind of hiding with her head in the open window of her car, almost as though she's contemplating crawling in. Karl: "How about your plumber-slash-convicted murderer, huh? He keeps popping up at [airquote]family[airquote] events!" Well played, Karl! You are swiftly becoming my new favorite character on the show. Susan: "It wasn't murder, it was manslaughter." Plus the situations aren't even remotely the same! Mike isn't living with Susan, and also? He cares about Julie. Karl: "Well, so does Edie! She was really looking forward to performing with Julie!" Susan yells that if Karl thinks Edie cares about anyone besides Edie, he is "living in a fool's paradise." Is Susan sure she isn't talking about herself, here? Because she really is the most self-centered person on this show. Besides Lynette. And Gabby. Susan goes on: "You don't know [Edie] the way I do, and the only reason she's interested in Julie is to mess with my head!" Karl gives a strange choked chortle, and then says: "That's both crazy and self-absorbed. A two-fer!" Karl! You speak for my brain, for which I thank you with much heartiness. Karl stalks off, turning to yell at Susan that Julie and Edie are great together: "And if you don't believe me, ask Julie." He peels out, and Susan tells Betty that she's sorry she had to witness that. Betty: "That's okay, hon. I have lived my share of family knock-down drag-outs." Susan: "Well, I hope it wasn't as ugly as me and Karl." Betty, bemusedly: "You'd be surprised." That was kind of a good scene!