You Could Drive A Person Crazy

Previously on Desperate Housewives: Rex wrote Bree an "I forgive you" note just before dying; Karl told Susan he wanted to get back together; plus all the stuff that went down in last week's episode.

MAVO invites us to meet paperboy Danny "I Want My Two Dollars" Farrell. Apparently, after six months of throwing papers into puddles, into rose bushes, and into the vicinity of sleeping pet cats, Danny has made some enemies along Wisteria Lane. MAVO: "People wondered if Danny would ever change. They should have talked to Susan Mayer. She could have told them that obnoxious boys tend to become obnoxious men." Susan comes out of her house, wearing a short robe over some kind of matching shorts-and-top sleeping gear. To fetch her paper, Susan has to walk all the way out into the middle of the street, which is where careless, unfeeling, future-philanderer Danny dropped it. As she bends to pick up the paper, Susan notices Karl. Karl, too, is wearing a short robe, which he's paired with boxers and a bare, bare chest, which features a startling array of taut six-packery. Is Karl making himself a little extra pocket money as an early morning strip-o-grammer? (And if so, I think I have some waffles that need buttering.) Oh. He isn't stripping. He's just picking up Edie's paper. Susan squints, not sure if her eyes are broken or what, and then her face does a lava-lamp morph from sleeping pre-coffee daze to surprise to anger.

Susan breaks into a funny little trot, with her arms sort of stationary at her sides, kind of like a ballerina making a big entrance. "Hey!" she yells. Karl looks up and then ducks. "Karl! I see you! Just stop right there," Susan shrills. Karl resignedly turns to meet her, "Hey Susie-Q," he says, all casual. Susan asks him just what it is that he's doing. He reveals that he's just there to get the paper. Susan points out that the paper in his hand belongs to Edie, as does the house he came out of. Karl: "Do we have to do this now? I haven't had my coffee." Which, I must say, I find both funny and truly sympathize-able. Finally Susan gets it: "Did you spend the night with Edie?" Karl just gives a little wince and/or passes gas, and rubs his well-developed stomach. Susan gives an "oh my god," and Karl tries to get her to calm down. Susan: "You are forbidden from ever seeing her again! You hear me? FOBIDDEN!" Karl points out that he and Susan are divorced, and that Susan no longer has a say in matters of his heart or penis. And really, Susan, I have to agree with him on this one. "I live on this street!" Shrewsan wails. "Your daughter lives on this street! I will not have you flaunting your sexcapades in front of us!" She raps Karl on the chest with her newspaper. Karl, by the way, is totally yawning here. "'Sexcapades'?" he asks, amused. But Susan just says, "FORBIDDEN!" one more time. Karl: "I would love to continue this, but it's time for breakfast, and Edie is making me a frittata." I just realized that "frittata" is kind of a funny word. Frah-tah-tah. Certainly it's the most sexy-sounding of the egg-based breakfasts. (What did one dirty vaudevillian say to the other? "Nice frittatas!" To which she replied? "Wait until you get a taste of my pigs in a blanket!") Susan gives a huge sarcastic gasp and says, "I just BET SHE IS." And then she turns and speed-marches off. Susan makes me sad for all women everywhere.

Paperboy Danny rolls up beside the marching Susan. Susan tries to give him the brush-off, but he reminds her that she's a month behind in payments. "My dad says that if you read something and you don't pay for it, that's stealing," he brats. Susan waves hello to Ida, who is pushing a basket full of groceries up the other side of the street. Ida kind of looks like Karl Malden (only sexier). Susan tells Danny that now is not a good time at all: "I just found my ex is dating my neighbor, and I'm really ticked off," which interests Danny not at all. "Save it," he says. "I provide you with service, and I deserve to be paid for that service." Susan stops walking, and Danny, for no particular reason, rides away. Was he done with his badgering? People who get that aggressive that quickly don't tend to give up that easily. MAVO: "Yes, the women of Wisteria Lane believed Danny Farrell to be the enemy." Danny looks back at Susan over his shoulder and yells, "Deadbeat!" Because she is nuts and has the emotional control of a seven-year-old, Susan throws her paper at the paperboy. The paper catches Danny's front tire, causing him to flip over his handlebars. Ira looks over at Susan with a shocked expression. MAVO: "[The women of Wisteria Lane] also believed the enemy of my enemy is my friend." Ida's shocked expression turns into a smile, as she gives Susan the thumbs-up. Okay, this scene feels totally off to me. For one thing, the "obnoxious boys become obnoxious men" theme is awkward because Susan's behavior is way more obnoxious than Karl's here, especially considering that she has not a leg to stand on after dating Edie's ex after Edie asked her not to. And while yes, the paperboy is obnoxious, it still doesn't justify Susan's childish pique and its resulting brutal bike accident. And finally, I'm not at all sure what this whole "enemy of my enemy" conclusion has to do with the rest of the episode, and tacking that on at the end makes the whole scene feel even more context-less. Now, if the MAVO was using Susan to demonstrate how unrewarding and repulsive shrewish behavior really is, that would be spot-on.

MAVO: flowers, lawns, happiness, etc., "these are the hallmarks of suburbia." Wow, really? Based on personal experience, I'd say suburbia is more about clove cigarettes, premature sarcasm, and overly eager law enforcement. "But if you look beneath the veneer of gracious living, you will see a battle raging -- a battle for control." We see a woman struggling with a garage-door opener, a man yelling at kids to get off his lawn, a crossing guard losing her mind and throwing her stop sign at a car. Lynette, dressed for business and looking sharp, walks over to the sink to drop off her coffee cup. The sink, however, is totally overrun with dishes. Mr. Mom Tom tells her just to stick the cup anywhere, and he'll get to it later. Lynette comments that things are "really piling up." Mom Tom tells her not to worry: he "has a system." This comes as something of a surprise to Lynette, but he explains: "I let the mess accumulate for two days, and then I clean until it's sparkling, and then the cycle starts all over again." "And why," wonders Lynette (in a semi-irritating baby voice), "have I never seen the 'sparkling' part?" Tom: "Well, because by the time you get home from work, the boys have messed everything up again." That is what Lynette would call a "flaw in the system." Tom downshifts to defensive, telling her he feels criticized. Lynette fires off a litany of "no"s, insisting that she doesn't need things to be "sparkling." Tom: "How many times did I come home to mess and I never said a word?" (Yes, but he did come home and withhold a makeout session because Lynette smelled of baby hurl.) Lynette clarifies that she thinks he's doing a terrific job: "When you came home, it was to clutter. I mean, come on." Lynette holds up a plate with a fork stuck to it. "This is more than that." A fly scuttles out onto the table and Lynette smashes it with The Wall Street Journal.

Susan drives off with a smile on her face. Edie laughs, ho ho ho, and then she glares after Susan's car and yanks on her cap. Good lord, she's also wearing bright pink wristbands. Susan stops to let a herd of kids cross the street, and is therefore trapped when Edie comes determinedly power-skating up to the car. "You," Edie says, "are a lying liar." Edie is sure Karl never said he still loved Susan. Also? She's wearing pink poms on her skates. Holy shit. She's like a rolling time machine! Susan informs Edie that Karl asked Susan to get back together with him the day after Julie's birthday, thus prompting the "now-legendary tequila/bra-popping incident." Susan makes to drive off, but now Edie's hanging on to Susan's door, threatening to key the car if Susan leaves. The crossing guard slowly backs away, clearly realizing that she is in the presence of two world-class crazies. They continue to yell back and forth while Susan maintains a nice, steady 2 MPH roll. Finally, she hits the brakes and asks why she would care if Edie dates a man that she despises. Edie gleefully points out that Susan cares because her relationship is over with Mike: "And now that you can't be happy, you don't want anyone else to be happy. Period." It's a good line to skate out on, and Edie takes her exit. Susan doesn't want the conversation to end there, though, so she puts her car in Reverse and, rather than turn her head and look out the back window as my driver's trainer very specifically instructed me to do, reverses using nothing but her feeble rear-view mirror to guide her, and...whoops! Down goes Edie.

Susan answers her door to find Karl. "It was an accident, Karl!" she blusters. "Edie knows it was an accident, right?" Well, Karl says, Edie knows that she could have died: "As it is, she's got a shattered tibia." Susan drops an "oh my god" and asks if Edie got the roses Susan sent. Apparently, Edie did, and the thorns stabbed her. Wouldn't you know it! Karl asks Susan why she told Edie about their "little conversation" (in which he expressed his desire to reunite with Susan). Susan explains that she was just trying to shut up Edie's "sex with Karl" gloating. Karl, in turn, gloats over Susan's jealousy. Susan insists that she's not jealous; it's just that what she and Karl had was something real, what with their being married, and that when Edie tried to put her "tawdry little affair" with Karl on par with that, it made Susan mad. Karl chooses this highly ripe moment to tell Susan that Edie and he are fixing to move in with each other. Susan looks crestfallen: "Just give me a moment. I'm asking god to kill me." Karl: "Look, she's fun, she goes with the flow. At this time in my life, I need that." (Especially after being married to Susan, who I'm guessing would make any man long for a more "go with the flow" woman.) Susan asks if Karl's in love with Edie. Karl: "Would you care if I were?" Susan says she wants Karl to be happy, and she even wants Edie to be happy, sort of, but it's just...Susan wants to be happy first! And, even though Susan is expressing a very petulant and immature emotion here, I do sympathize with her. It's petty, and it's lame, but I kind of like that she's vocalizing the somewhat universal but not typically expressed pain that comes from watching other people move on. Susan pushes Karl to tell her if it's love? With Edie? Karl: "I promise you this much, I've never loved another woman the way that I loved you." Which is one of those awesome declarations that sounds bold and beautiful on the surface, but really isn't all that substantive. I love each kitten, each fluffy cloud, each chocolate cupcake in its own, unique way, which is why I am capable of telling every single one of them that I've never loved another in quite the same way. Not that I ever actually tell them that, of course...I prefer to keep them guessing. (It makes them try harder.) Susan points out that Karl was the one who did the walking. Karl laughs, "Yeah, but look how far I got. I'm just up the street!" He plants a big wet one on Susan's forehead and walks off. Karl is kind of great.

Bree, wearing a smart and, yes, black suit, is fixing to leave the house. Phyllis is busy cleaning the stove. It's hard to imagine that the stove actually needs cleaning. In Bree's house? Phyllis asks where Bree's headed off to, and Bree tells her she's going to the lawyer's to go over some of the details of Rex's will. Then Bree takes a deep breath: "Phyllis, obviously I'm just mortified over slapping you. I've just been in a weird place since Rex's death. That's no excuse...I'm very, very sorry." Phyllis: "No need to apologize. You're family. All is forgiven." Bree looks so relieved, and Phyllis says, "It's been a difficult time for all of us. I totally understand. Now go! You don't want to be late for your...meeting about Rex's will." Phyllis seems amazingly sincere all the way up to the point of encouraging Bree to go, at which point her tone turns vaguely menacing: clearly she thinks she should be a part of any meeting about Rex's will. The second Bree leaves, Phyllis rushes over to the phone and looks at a list. "Pick up tux" is crossed off, and so are "Call florist" and "Betty Applewhite"...I guess this is Bree's funeral to-do list? "Insurance -- Joe Flannery 555-0149" is at the bottom of the list, not yet crossed off. Phyllis dials the number and asks to speak to "someone about the death benefits of Rex Van de Kamp." On the other end, Mr. Flannery looks extremely put out -- I'm guessing that Bree's been calling him non-stop. He tells Phyllis that they've already spoken to Rex's wife, and that they're moving just as quickly as they can. Oh, but that's not why Mommy Phyllis called! Phyllis: "Are you aware that my daughter-in-law has a boyfriend?" Joe: "I'm listening."

MAVO: "Control. It's extraordinary the tactics people employ to obtain it. Some rely on deception": Betty chops up a whole bunch of pills and dropping the dust into a bowl of soup. Good night, sweet Basement Buddy! "While others engage in outright trickery": Lynette sits at her kitchen table, working, while Tom frantically cleans around her. Lynette smiles a secret smile, and somewhere a rat rotates in its grave of garbage. "Then there are those who resort to extortion": Gabby smiles to herself as she writes out a check. "Why do we fight so hard for control?": Bree talks to...George? Is that George? Or is that her lawyer? "Because we know that to lose it is to put our fate in the hands of others": Bree puts her hand on George's (or her lawyer's) shoulder. And what could be more dangerous?" Mr. Flannery sits in a car, quietly taking photos of Bree and her reckless, slutty arm-touching.

WEEK: someone digs up Rex's body!