Live Alone and Like It

Previously on Desperate Housewives: Susan's mom coming to stay; Gabby painting her toenails defiantly and refusing to sign the post-nup, Gabby getting her wrist twisted and crying "stop, you're hurting me" as Carlos forces her to sign that post-nup, Gabby looking for sexy-time over at Gardener John's; Mike gazing forlornly at a photo of himself with Deirdre, Mike getting arrested right there in the middle of Wisteria Lane, Mike getting bailed out by Frank; and Rex telling Bree that Andrew just confessed he might be gay. Over the flashbacks, the MAVO tells us that "you can't change what's already been done. Or who people really are."

In the now, Mary-Alice turns her knowing voice to the task of describing the complicated inner workings of Lynette. "Every morning as she went to take out her trash, Lynette Scavo would indulge in a little daydream, the details of which were always the same. One day her nasty neighbor Karen McCluskey would keel over and die." Here we see the oft-previewed shot of Mrs. McLandingham keeling over sideways, plank-style, with her hose fountaining merrily off to the side for the entire arc of her fall. "And her home would be bought by a lovely Swedish family with two adorable twin daughters." How sad that when Lynette fantasizes about Swedish twins moving in door, it isn't a sexy dream full of tanning oil and saunas but a boring hope for blond and creepy redrum twins as playmates for the Ps. "The families would form an everlasting friendship, culminating in their daughters marrying her sons, in an elaborate wedding that the Scavos wouldn't have to pay for." Here we see Lynette, mysteriously untouched by age in her far-off fantasy future, smiling from the front pew of a twin-on-twin wedding, "Yes, Lynette enjoyed her little daydreams. But Mrs. McCluskey always had a way of pulling her back reality."

Back in the real world of Wisteria Lane, Mrs. McLandingham is dragging two old-school Oscar-the-Grouch garbage cans across the street. I didn't know anyone still used metal trash cans anymore. Lynette runs after her and stops her with a "hey, hey, hey!" Apparently the garbage truck came a-collecting two entire days ago, but the Scavos still hadn't taken in their cans, so Mrs. McLandingham just assumed they didn't want them anymore. "Very cute," Lynette says, and starts dragging-scraping-clanging the cans back to her side of the street. Maybe if Lynette treated herself to some of those new, magical garbage cans with the wheels, she'd be a little more excited about retrieving her emptied trashcans in a timely fashion. Mrs. McLandingham yells after Lynette that it's bad enough they have to look at the god-awful colors the Scavos painted their house, they shouldn't have to look at their cans for days on end. But�Lynette has a nice can. Also, I have no idea what Mrs. McLandingham is talking about here, with the color of Lynette's house. The Scavos have many faults, but the color of their house -- a tame and subdued and virtually unnoticeable avocado -- is the very least of their problems. Lynette lashes back with a barb about Mrs. McLandingham's jungle-lawn, suggesting she hire a gardener. Gardener John, perhaps? Now that's something I'd like to see: Mrs. McLandingham "getting her lawn trimmed" by Gardener John. Well, not see, exactly.

Sadly, Mrs. McLandingham is on a fixed income and can't afford to hire herself a bronzed teenaged lawn-trimmer. Lynette suggests that if money is an obstacle, perhaps Mrs. McLandingham "should move to something less expensive, like a nursing home." Wow, they do fight dirty on the Lane! "Go to hell," Mrs. McLandingham spits. Lynette comes back with, "[A nursing home] run by Germans," and then she drags her cans up to the house. Halfway up she thinks of another zinger and turns to fire it off, only to discover that her adversary is suddenly staggering in the middle of the street, doubled over in an alarming half-crouch. Alarmed, Lynette shouts, "Mrs. McCluskey, are you all right?" Mrs. McLandingham falls to her knees and starts crawling toward her house. Lynette pauses for a second and almost reaches down to help her up, but instead runs to open Mrs. McLandingham's door so the path is clear for her to crawl back into her house (and out of Lynette's scope of responsibility). But before she can make it inside, Mrs. McLandingham collapses, facedown on her walkway. MAVO: "For a brief moment, Lynette was presented with an interesting choice of options." We see the Swedish family of Lynette's dreams, ready with their moving van. "And though she knew that she'd hate herself in the morning, Lynette chose to do the right thing." She sighs and takes out her cell phone. Her reluctance to do the right thing here is kind of lame, but for Lynette this is a big act of selflessness. So...soft claps for Lynette.

Mrs. McLandingham is being gurneyed into the ambulance. "I don't want to go alone, come with me," she commands Lynette. Lynette balks, citing the superior company of the trained professionals that come as a package with the ambulance, adding that she has a roast in thefreezer. (And kids? Doesn't she have kids that need to be supervised?) But Mrs. McLandingham pleads, "Please, I'm scared," with a pathetic-ness that sways even Lynette. "If I die," Mrs. McLandingham says to Lynette as she climbs into the ambulance, "I don't want it to be with strangers." Lynette assures her that she's not going to die, and Mrs. McLandingham asks how she can be so sure. MAVO: "How could she tell her neighbor that some dreams were just too beautiful to come true?" The dream Swedish family waves goodbye to Lynette as they pull away.

Still with the MAVO: "Life is a journey, one that is much better traveled with a companion by our side," Frank, the man who hired Mike to do whatever it is he does, is sitting on a stone bench at the cemetery. "But sometimes we lose our companions along the way." Frank is gazing at the framed photo of a woman and fingering a rosary. "And then the journey becomes unbearable." Mike walks up to Frank and says, "Noah?" Ohkay. Frank is now Noah? Or maybe Frank has always been Noah? I'm a little lost. But fine, NOAH and Mike are here for what I'm guessing is an arranged meeting, not some crazy cemetery coincidence. "What's with the rosary?" Mike asks. "I didn't know you were a religious man." "They found Deirdre," Noah says in a choked voice. According to the dental records, the body stuffed in Paul's toy chest has now been identified as Deirdre. "She's been dead fifteen years, all that time I've been looking for her, she was already gone." Noah is near tears, and Mike looks pretty winded himself. But just because they've unearthed Deirdre doesn't mean that Noah's done with Mike: he still wants him to figure out what happened. And apparently the cop Noah paid to let Mike off the hook, the sullied Officer Sullivan, has some leads, and plans are laid for Mike to go to meet up with him to get the file on Deirdre.

Bree and Rex have come to Camp Cuttysark to take Andrew home, which Rex isn't convinced is the right move. "Say we leave him here three more weeks, what's the worst that could happen?" Bree points out that their son just confessed that he might be gay, and there are over 200 other boys there -- she could explain what might happen, but she's a lady, and she doesn't like to use that language. Rex, please. Bree's mouth is not a trashcan -- one look at that baby-pink trench and jaunty pastel-patterned neck scarf could have told you that! Rex soothes himself by saying they're probably worrying over nothing, it may just be a phase. Which is exactly why Bree wants to get Andrew home and into some super-fun Christian counseling stat, so it "won't become a lifestyle." Because it's not like kissable boys can be found outside of Camp Snifter! Rex reminds Bree that Andrew is their son and they love him. Bree resents the very idea that he thinks she needs to be reminded of that. Rex points out that it's obvious how freaked out she is. "I'm just saying," he says, "Be Cool." Andrew comes out and Rex gives him a strong hug; then Bree, with a cool that would earn a two-thumbed salute from Fonzie, holds Andrew's shoulders and tells him that she "would love him even if he were a murderer." Which, thank you, we know already because he actually IS a murderer -- maybe only indirectly, yes, but Mama Solis did die in a hospital where Andrew put her with his remorseless drunk driving. Also? How awesome that in Bree's book of horrible fates, "gay" hovers somewhere just below "murderer." Though I'm guessing that with Bree, "shoes on the furniture" or "forgotten thank-you notes" are also right up there. Bree pulls Andrew in for a totally cool hug, and over her shoulder he and Rex exchange "whatever" looks.

Something appears to be slowing up the line at the ice cream truck. Why, it's Susan's mom, flirting with the ice cream man so intensely that her body is actually undulating. The ice cream man, in addition to ice creaming, also teaches salsa at the community center, and, he adds with a leer, he teaches private lessons. Mom giggles, annoyingly oblivious to the long line of ice-cream-deprived kids squirming behind her. Susan jumps up from the hang-out bench and pulls her in-heat mother away. "Please do not flirt with the ice cream man," she scolds. "Why not?" Mom wonders. "Do you need a reason beyond the fact that he's the ice cream man?" Susan is kind of a snob. Other than a pancake-restaurant man, I can think of nothing better than having an ice cream man as a suitor. Susan can't believe how little her mother is mourning the end of her relationship with Morty. Mom thinks Susan is a stick in the mud, in need of some nightclubbing and some "hot guys." I'm trying to imagine my mother saying this to me, but I just can't, thankfully. "I'll say I'm 42," Mom glees, "and you can be 28." Susan shoots her an incredulous look. "Come on, you can pull it off," her mom says to Susan encouragingly. Zing!

Surprise, Mrs. McLandingham is back, so soon, from the hospital, alive and kicking at Lynette's door. "Turns out I ODed a little bit on my arthritis medication," she explains. I've always thought of ODing as one of those things that it's hard to do just a "little bit," like being "a little bit pregnant" or a "little bit country"? "One pill I can open a jar, four pills I'm face down, crawling for my life. Well," she says to Lynette, "you'll find out about that soon enough." Ha! Mrs. McLandingham offers Lynette a Tiffany lamp as a thank you for not leaving her to die out on the lawn. Lynette resists at first, but finally gives in and takes the lamp, prompting a fantastically awkward hug followed by a fantastically awkward silence. Lynette tries to wrap things up with an "I'd invite you in, but" Mrs. McLandingham deliberately misreads her cue, pushing past Lynette into her house and launching right into a story about her "skin tag." Lynette's disgusted expression is the perfect mirror image of the one I, too, am wearing. Not only is a skin tag gross enough on its own -- like a sad, deflated mole -- but it sounds bad too, like something you'd yell at someone who cuts you off. "Eat dirt, skin tag!"

Gabby is lying on her bed, reading a magazine. Carlos walks in and, without looking up from her magazine, Gabby kicks out her foot and blocks him from getting in bed. But Carlos wants to stop sleeping in the den, he needs to sleep in a real bed. "Well then you might want to try a motel because you're not coming back in here," and with "here" she gives him a shove with her foot. Carlos wants to know how many times he has to say he's sorry. "Obviously a few times more." Carlos admits that he was way out of line. "You want to get back into this bed, you know what to do," Gabby says. But Carlos refuses to tear up the post-nup; it's the only way it can insure him that she'll be there when he gets out of jail. (Just when exactly IS he going to jail?) Gabby's all, well then, have fun at the motel! And Carlos is all, if Gabby won't give up the bed, he's going to take away her credit cards. And her ATM card! Maybe once she finds out how good she has it, she'll start socking a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T to him. Carlos's nipples are distractingly prominent in this scene, little raisins poking through his baby-blue cotton top all, "Wake up friend owl!" (See, I'm not just about the ladies' perkies. I am an equal opportunity nipple detective!) "You want respect, then tear up the post-nup," she roars. "Give me my pillow," he snips. Gabby knee-walks over to him at the side of the bed and gets right up in his face. "One more thing," she says in a menacing hush, "if you ever hurt me again, I will kill you." "If you ever leave me for another man," Carlos fires back, "I'll kill you. " Gabby shoves his pillow into his chest. "Boy," she says, her mouth inches away from his, "with all this passion, isn't it a shame we're not having sex?" They glare at each other steamily for a few beats, then he turns and leaves. Just another perfect marriage here on Hysteria Lane!

Commercials: Kermit the Frog is at a fork in a yellow brick road, confronted with a sign pointing one way to Oz and a sign pointing the other way to Wisteria Lane. After a moment's pause, he turns to go down the road to the Desperate Housewives, and from off-screen comes the voice of Miss Piggy: "Don't even think about it, Frog." Kermit gulps and turns his beat right around. This May, hit the bricks with the Muppets' Wizard of Oz!

John the Gardner is Pepe LePeuing up Gabby's arm. Gabby looks bored and distracted. "I feel trapped," she says. "You want me to open a window?" he asks. Ha, such an awesomely literal 18-year-old's answer. "No I'm talking about my life." "Ohare we done making out?" Ha! "No no, keep going." As he kisses her neck and neck adjacent, Gabby keeps talking about how she's stuck in her marriage, how she doesn't have options, how she used to always have a Plan B. John stops with the kissing to ask, what about him, can't he be a Plan B? "Damn it, John," Gabby scolds, "what is our new rule?" "Stop pretending we have a future," he sing-songs. Whee! John wants to know why she can't just walk out on Carlos. Because then she'd be broke. But if she stays, Carlos is in control and that's horrible, too. Plus he cut up her credit cards, which means she's married to him AND unable to shop, the worst of all possible worlds. Poor Gabby, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Gabby tells John she's not feeling very fun today (where fun = sex-ish) and gets up to leave. Gardener John hops to his feet and whips out from his back pocketwhat is that, his health insurance card? Oh, okay, I guess it's his credit card, and he wants Gabby to take it so she can stop feeling trapped or whatever. Gabby makes a few weak attempts at saying no, but John insists that his mowing business is doing great, and with that she gives in, letting him know in her very softest voice that she'll pay him back. John says she can if she wants (sure, sure), but she doesn't have to. "Mrs. Solis, to take care of you, is my dream." He still calls her Mrs. Solis! "Well, far be it for me to stand in the way of a young man's dream," Gabby says, and pushes him back onto the couch. Looks like Gabby's feeling "fun" after all, and all it took was a lawn mower's credit card. Priceless!

Lynette is scrambling to get out of the house. She grabs her purse, gets of the phone with her husband, puts on her shades, opens the door and -- wah, wah! Guess who's on the porch, poised with a basket of avocados from her backyard? (Where in the hell is Wisteria Lane? I thought it was somewhereelse, somewhere too cold for avocados.) Yes, it's Mrs. McLandingham, all fired up to make a batch of guacamole with Lynette. Lynette tries to explain that unfortunately she has a ton of errands to do, et cetera et cetera. Mrs. McLandingham thinks that's a great idea, her car's on the fritz and she could use a ride to the pharmacy. Lynette says she can't, re: the many things she has to do that don't involve going to the pharmacy with her clingy and sad neighbor. Maybe tomorrow, a desperate Mrs. McLandingham wheedles? Lynette, finally realizing that there's some bud-nipping to do, says firmly that she's not going to have time tomorrow, either. Mrs. McLandingham voice turns acidic and she points out how interesting it is that Lynette is unable to spend a few minutes with her, yet she seemed to have no trouble taking her Tiffany lamp. Lynette drops an "oh for god sakes," retrieves the lamp, and gives it back to Mrs. McLandingham. "But that was my thank you for saving my life!" she says in a hurt voice. Lynette agrees that it was a beautiful gesture, but, and, well "Save it, Lynette," Mrs. McLandingham says with defeat. "I get the picture." As she turns to walk away, Lynette stands there, blinking.

At the House of Wayward Moms, Susan comes down the stairs in her man-tee sleeper and squeals with surprise as she spots her mother in the living room with a man named "Tim." Tim is sorry to have startled Susan, Susan says it's okay, she just didn't expect to find anyone up at a QUARTER TO ONE. Susan's mom is a little sauced, thanks to a zany drink called the "dirty volcano." Which sounds more like a new and horrible sex act to me. Mom thinks Susie totally should have come out to the Island Bar tonight! They danced! (Woo!) Tim dipped her! (Ahh-giggle!) "Sophie's verylimber," Tim says. Ew? Susan asks if she can talk to her mother in the other room, thereby launching the Tim into the old "this can't be your daughter" routine, which ends in a high-energy no-yes-no exchange between Tim and Sophie that sounds almost like barking. "We get it!" Susan yells finally. "She looks young!" She tugs Sophie away. "That man," Sophie says to her daughter, "has magic fingers." Ew! Susan wants to know what the hee-haw it is Sophie thinks she's DOING, Susan has a teenaged daughter in the house and her mother can't just be bringing strange men home from bars. It's time for Sophie to say goodnight to Tim. But, buthow can Susan be so unsupportive, she knows how blue Sophie's been! Tim is her guest and he will go home when she says so! Wow, Sophia is spectacularly inconsiderate and also maybe insane. "If he's not gone in five minutes," Susan ultimatums, "I'm going to go out there and tell him just how old you really are." And with that, Sophie scampers off to the other room and starts making fake yawning sounds to show how suddenly tired, but still very young, she is.

Mike stands in the kind of dimly lit garage where nothing good can happen. Out from the shadows comes Sullied Sullivan, here to hand off Deirdre's secret police folder. Mike asks if they have any leads, and gets some distinct Crooked Cop attitude. Apparently Sullivan doesn't much cotton to the idea of handing over a confidential police file to a murderer and drug dealer. Mike shrugs off the taunting and turns to leave, but Sullivan just can't leave it alone. "Is this what our justice system has come to," he pushes, "guys like you walking the streets without a care in the world?" Mike says he's done his time. "Not nearly enough, you piece of garbage." That's IT! Mike turns back to do a little nose-rubbing himself, thanking Sullivan's buy-off-ability for Mike's no longer being a murder suspect. Take that! Except Sullivan doesn't seem much in the mood for taking it. He's more in the mood for pistol-whipping Mike, kicking him in the ribs with vicious gusto, and then pistol-whipping him again. As Mike writhes on the oil-stained cement, Sullivan tells him that if anyone finds out about the file he gave him, there'll be one less cop killer on the streets. Mike is a cop killer? Did I know this? "And for god's sake, don't get any blood on the file." Oh, Sullivan.

Gabby is at a nice restaurant, sipping a glass of white wine and cuddling up with a new pair of strippy-strap gold shoes. She's wearing a complicated blue-on-blue satin dress, with draped elements that twist, circle, and tie to frame the bare rounds of her shoulders. A gentleman of a certain age gazes at her from across the room. He is wearing a dusty rose tie and matching shirt. Gabby and Dusty Rose make eye contact and tinkle their wine glasses at each other. The moment is interrupted by the ubiquitous Bitch Waiter, with his Ma'am Your Card Has Been Rejected, Perhaps You Have Another I Could Try? routine. Gabby sends him away, ostensibly so she can search for an alternate card but really so she can whip out her cell phone and call John. Apparently the credit card company called his mom due to some unusual activity. "I bought shoes!" Gabby yelps. Those strippy-strappies must be insanely expensive -- usually it takes more than one purchase before a card gets flagged. Anyway, John panicked and said the card was stolen. Gabby wonders why his parents were even called in the first place. Because they co-signed for it! Awww, Gardener John has a learner's card. Cute, but also a little sad. Gardener John is still so little. And Gabby is such a selfish opportunist. John suggests she just try to explain it to the waiter. What, tell him that the card got "canceled by my lover's mommy?" Gabrielle sniffs. John's alternate suggestion, that she return the shoes, meets with even less enthusiasm. "Return the shoes? I can't talk to you when you're being hysterical!" And with that, Gabby hangs up on him. Bitchy Waiter returns, and past his shoulder Gabby spies Dusty Rose fiddling withwait! What is that he's doing? Is he CHECKING HIS SIDEKICK? Hey, I HAVE A SIDEKICK! I adore my Sidekick! Me, Snoopy Dog Dog, Dusty Rosewe are cut from the same gilded cloth.

Lynette is out on the front lawn, putting the kids' toys in a laundry basket. The UPS guy is there, trying to lay down some brown over at Mrs. McLandingham's, but she's not answering the door. "Well, isn't she home?" Lynette asks. "She usually never goes anywhere." Poor Mrs. McLandingham. Lynette signs for the package, then sneaks up to Mrs. McLandingham's door, puts the package on the doormat, rings the bell, and books out of there. That Lynette, such a kid at heart.

Dusty Rose is pouring Gabby a glass of wine over at her table. "So let me get this straight," she says, "you play tennis, you know wine, and you speak Mandarin. Does every other man in the world want you dead, hee hee hee?" Wow. "Well, I'm not that impressive," Dusty Rose says, "I pulled a grey hair out of my chest this morning." "I don't know," Gabby flirts, "I'd watch your back!" I think this is supposed to be a warning about the aforementioned horde of jealous men who want to kill him, but it sounds as though she's telling him to watch his back for outcroppings of grey hair. He says how she's made her day, and he'd like to do this again some day. Gabby confesses that she's kind of in a relationship right now. At least! "That's perfectly okay, Tina," he says. I guess Tina is Gabby's "private dancer" name, because, as planned, the very thing Dusty Rose does is insist on paying for lunch. Way to hustle, Tina! Bitchy Waiter comes by and gives her a sneer as he takes the man's credit card. She gloats back and takes a bite of her hard-earned chocolate cake.

I feel like the self-doubting Bree, who couldn't decide what color to wear to go visit her son at discipline camp, and who was actually growing into something interesting, is absolutely gone in this episode, and in its place is a one-dimensional bible lunatic. And even though her religiously rigid anti-gay stance is probably in character for her, I really do miss the nuances. Though maybe this diminished character is what she retreats into when she's rattled? Or maybe I'm being overly generous?

Elsewhere: Susan pulls up in her car and MomSusie comes running out of the house to meet her, all in a rush to apologize for how insensitive she's been. Here Susan is, heartbroken and lonely, and here Sophie is, covered in men. No wonder Susan was mad at her mom for bringing one home and rubbing Susan's nose in...it. Wait, that came out creepier than I meant it to. But from now on Sophie promises to include Susan in all the fun; in fact, she's lined up a double date for that very night! Oh, boy. Susan looks like she's had a long day and all she wants to do is eat some ice cream and take a bath. The very last thing she's up for is hanging out all night with two fleshy men, doing shots of Peppermint Schnapps. And yet that's exactly what's in store for poor Susan, because the double-date has already started! Dirty Volcano Tim and his puffy friend Lamont are right there in the living room!

And over at the Scavos': Lynette gets out of her family van and notices that the package that she doorbell-ditched earlier that day is still sitting on Mrs. McLandingham's stoop. Inside, Tom and Lynette are making tacos, and Tom is saying that he thinks Mrs. McLandingham is probably fine. But, Lynette argues, she never leaves her mail sitting out. "How many times has she thrown ours away because we didn't pick it up the second it came." "Ha!" Tom says. "That would be FIVE." Which is why Lynette thinks something's happened to her. "Okay," Tom says, "so go over and check on her." But if she's wrong, Lynette's going to get pulled into a two-hour conversation about, ha, bunions. (Hey! I have a bunion! And there is nothing "ha" about it, let me tell you. Oh my god I'm old.) But if she doesn't go over there, and six months from now when they find her "mummified corpse," what is she going to tell the kids, that Lynette let Mrs. McLandingham die? Ho, ho, ho. "And why would they care, like they're going to miss the dry-cleaning coupon she hands out at Halloween." Lynette gives him the tsk-tsk finger. "What can I say, you're damned if you do," Tom says, "damned if you don't, sogood luck with that." Tom is hilarious in this scene, butwhy is this entirely Lynette's problem? "Honey," Lynette calls after Tom, "I'm hating you a little bit right now."

Calgon is taking Carlos away. Gabby sweeps in to show off her new shoes, and Carlos shushes her, he's trying to watch the game. Just soaking in the bubble bath and watching the game on the television in their bathroom. (Again I ask, just exactly when is Carlos going to jail?) After a second it occurs to Carlos that Gabby shouldn't have new shoes because her credit cards are all cut up. Gabby says, with false sympathy, oh, we can talk about it later, you're watching the game! But Carlos wants to know what the story is NOW. "Oh, you've heard it before, girl meets boy, boy buys girl things, girl leaves happy!" Carlos wonders just what it is she's done. "You know, I forgot how generous men can be. And also forgot I have optionsI don't need your credit cards, Carlos, and I don't need your money. But if our marriage is going to work, I need your respect." Gabby delivers this speech with a sense of empowerment, like somehow she's taken back the night with her plucky prostitution-lite lunch scam. And yet Carlos still refuses to tear up the post-nup. But Gabby thinks he'll change his mind. Oh yes he will! Because otherwise she's going to put on her new shoes and walk out the door. Carlos wonders if she's threatening him. No, Gabby's just pointing out that she's a pretty girl, and pretty girls are never lonely. Tell that to Susan.

A bored-looking Susan sits far, far away from her date, Lamont, who's busy doing towering Peppermint Schnapps shots. Isn't that the whole reason teenagers spend at least one night drinking Schnapps until they're hug a toilet, so it's burned out of their system and they don't ever have to drink it as an adult? Mom and Tim are dancing, and Tim's hands keep creeping ever-downward toward Sophie's youthful ass. "I'm really ticklish," Sophie squeals. Lamont tries to make small talk with Susan. "So, uh, children's books, right? I hope you realize how lucky you are. Not everyone gets to realize their bliss." Susan admits how it, ah, can be rewarding. Lamont pats the three square inches to him on the couch and asks her to join him. Susan simply says, "No." Again Sophie squeals with the "I'm really ticklish!" and Susan jumps up and yells, "For god's sake, Tim, she's ticklish, how many times do you have to be told?" Sophie goes over to change the music, and Susan tries again to end the night, this time pointing out how late it's getting. But Susan hasn't even finished her shot! So, slowly-slowly Susan knocks it back, her face appropriately twisted in distaste. "Ahh, the perfect capper to the perfect evening!" she says by way of a toast. "So, good night! It's been a lovely evening! Lamont, good luck with your inventions." Inventions! Ha, that one word speaks volumes about Susan's last how many hours. Sophie's all, but it's only 11:30, she wants to hit the CLUBS. Oh, man, what a bummer your mom is, Susan. I light a candle for you.

Lamont and Tim are all for CLUBBING. But Susan doesn't want her mom going off with those strange men. Sophie points out what a good judge of character she is. Susan points out that she's been married four times. "Yes," Sophie gushes, "but twice to the same guy!" They go outside, where Tim and Lamont are waiting by the car. Susan tries once more to get her mother to stay home. Sophie asks Susan to stop embarrassing her, and tells her how all night long, she's been trying to get Susan to stop being so "crabby," but Susan just won't let her help! "And your idea of helping," Susan wonders, "is letting Tim just grope you." "Heyyy," Tim says, all Schnappsy, "you shouldn't talk to your mother like that, she's a fine lady!" Lamont says that, actually, watching Tim "feeling up her mother" had pissed him off too, a sympathetic point of view he tries to convert into some couch-time with Susan. "C'mon, Susie, let's go back inside." "Lamont, give it up," she says, "you're not getting any." But, Sophie yells to Susan, she was just trying to lighten things up! Susan asks her to stop pretending that this night was about getting Susan to have fun and admit that it was just about Lamont needing a date. True! But what's so wrong with that, Sophie wonders, she's been blue over her breakup with Morty (and, as you can imagine, parting with a Pancake Man is sad stuff). And that, THAT is what drives Susan so crazy, that Sophie can be heartbroken and just move on, meanwhile Susan is justbroken. "I know you're sad," Sophie says. "No, Mom. I'm not sad. I'm not crabby. I'm devastated." This scene kind of made my eyes weak! "Morty was just some guy in a series of guys to you, and Mike, he was the one." I know I've teased Susan for making so much out of such a brief relationship, but I really do feel for her in this scene. If she thinks he was the One, okay. It's just sad, then, that Susan's One came with so much secret baggage (hidden guns, hidden treasure, hidden criminal record) and that all the bad stuff bobbed to the surface before they got a chance to have any fun -- Susan had, what, maybe one solid date with him before it all started going pear-shaped? Meanwhile, what are Tim and Lamont doing during this touching scene between mother and daughter on the porch?

Oh, the Quizno's talking baby. Each time I watch this commercial, I die a slow death. Why should I trust the word of a breast-feeder when it comes to the value of toasted sandwiches? But and yet, there is something about that chair he sits in that compels me. I want the talking Quizno baby's CHAIR! My god, am I drunk right now?

Lynette lets herself into Mrs. McLandingham's house, using a key borrowed from some other neighbor. Mrs. McLandingham is sitting right there in her chair. Why, Lynette wonders, didn't she answer her door? "Because I was hoping you'd go away!" Lynette ignores the barb and asks if Mrs. McLandingham has been taking her arthritis medication. No, she hasn't, because sometimes the pain goes away on its own. "Unh huh," Lynette says, "and is that why you didn't open the door, because of your hand?" Mrs. McLandingham ignores her. Lynette wonders if there isn't someone to help Mrs. McLandingham out. No, she insists, she's FINE. Okay then! Lynette turns to go, and I'm just about ready to throw another log on the anti-Lynette bonfire when Mrs. McLandingham asks if, before she goes, Lynette could open her bottle of pain medication. "And don't get your hands all over them, god knows where you kids have been, the last thing I need is a case of pink-eye." And, in the face of all that crank, Lynette smiles. It is a very generous moment, and I start to wonder if perhaps Lynette's heart is no longer three sizes too small. "You're a piece of work," she says as she struggles to open one of Mrs. McLandingham's bottles. "Well this is crazy, why did they give you child-proof caps?" First thing tomorrow, Lynette is going to take Mrs. McLandingham to the pharmacy and get her some new bottles. Mrs. McLandingham laughs that Lynette doesn't even like her: "I don't want you doing anything because you feel obligated." "Let me tell you something," Lynette says, "half of life is obligation. You don't want to go to your husband's company Christmas party, but you do. You don't want to sell candy so your kid's band can buy piccolos, but you do it. You attend your third cousin's wedding, you pick up the dry cleaning. That's life: obligations. And you are now my obligation." Mrs. McLandingham is sarcastically moved by Lynette's "outpouring of compassion." "We don't have to be friends," Lynette tells her, "but we are two human beings, living on the same piece of earth, we can at least try to help each other once in awhile." And with that, Lynette takes back the Tiffany lamp. Why, Lynette, I do believe there may just be hope for you after all!

Bree is thumbing through baby pictures as Andrew walks by with a plate full of sandwich. Bree makes him sit down so she can tell him the very special story about how when he was born, the umbilical cord was caught around his neck, and he had stropped breathing, and Bree had told the doctor that she didn't care about her own safety, that Andrew's life was all that mattered. "When I say I would die for you," Bree says with zealous love laser-beaming from her every pore, "it's not just an expression." "Yeah, well, um," Andrew says, "I'm going to go eat my sandwich." Bree leaps up from the couch and tries, once again, to get Andrew to go talk to the Reverend, insisting that "it can help." Andrew says that he doesn't need help, that he's fine. "Why do you keep going on about this?" he asks. "Because if you don't change who you are, then you won't go to Heavenand I need you there, I would be so lonely without you." Andrew looks floored and, slowly, he agrees that yes, he had better go talk to the Reverend. Bree is so thrilled! She gives him a tight hug, and yetover her shoulder we see a small rainbow of emotion pass over Andrew's face, anger, disgust, and a plotting sort of "hmmmm." This show makes great use of the "secret emotions revealed while in the clutch of a hug." Remember Gabby hugging Carlos after his mother died?

Meanwhile, Mike's face is a rainbow of sadness and disappointment. And a big crooked-cop bruise. Ding-dong, now who is that at the door? Why, it's Sophie! Oh, cringe. "Susan still loves you," she blurts the second Mike opens the door. Ugh! Susan's Mom! There is something so particularly horrifying about ditsy missteps born from the very best intentions. Mike looks dazed, though that could just be the blows to the head, and in a wandering kind of voice he tells her that now isn't the very best time. And yet? She insists on pushing it: "She just misses you so much!" Eeee. "Sophie, I just found out that someone I was very close to is deadI just don't have time to think about Susan right now." And even that isn't enough to derail Sophie. Sophie is an embarrassment machine! "She's just very, very unhappy, and if you could just" "I reallydon'tsorry," he says as he closes the door. With a sad shuffle he goes to his table and opens Deirdre's police file. Attached to the picture of the lake-muddied toy chest is a list. And looky, looky! Isn't that neighbor Paul's name on the manifest?

Andrew is at church, and he'sswearing in the Reverend? The old man's hand is on, I guess, a bible, and he's promising not to reveal anything that is said today. Is that standard practice? I thought the whole sanctity of confession, or whatever, was kind of implied. Anyway, after the Reverend is properly gagged with the power of the Lord, they settle into a pew and Andrew hops right to it. Surprise, he lied about being gay to his parents ("such tools") so he could get out of Camp Reunite on Ice. The reverend asks for clarification about Andrew's predilections. "Look, I love vanilla ice cream. Mmmkay? But every now and then, I'm probably going to be in a mood for chocolate. Know what I'm saying?" "I do," the Reverend agrees slowly, "but God would prefer if youstick to the vanilla." Anyway, Andrew doesn't even believe in God. The Reverend says that Bree is going to be devastated, she was so hoping that Andrew would straighten up. "Well, that's the good news," Andrew says, "I am going to change." The Reverend doesn't follow. If only he could hear the creepy tinkling "psycho" piano that's playing in the background here, he'd have a pretty good idea that Andrew's change was probably not for the best.

Andrew tells the Reverend that last night, his mother told him he wasn't going to heaven. The Reverend admits to the sad truth of it, yes, "the only way you can know paradise is by repenting your sins." Andrew, really warming to the subject now, says, "When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was going to get back at her. From now on I'm going to be so good, I'm going to eat my vegetables, I'm going to get good grades, I'm going to say 'yes ma'am' and 'no ma'am.' I'm going to make her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, when she least expects it, I'm going to do something so awful, it's going to rock her world. I mean it's really going to destroy her. And when that day comes? Trust me, I'll know paradise." And with that, the most evilest speech ever, Andrew gets up and tosses the bible to the thoroughly shocked Reverend. Wow. Andrew may be criminally insane! I'm wondering if that umbilical cord was wrapped around Andrew's throat a little longer than was strictly safe, brain-health-wise?

MAVO: "Yes, life is a journey. One that is much better traveled with a companion by your side. Of course that companion can be just about anyone. A neighbor on the other side of the street." Lynette knocks on Mrs. McLandingham's door and Mrs. Landingham tells her to hold her water. "Or the man on the other side of the bed." Carlos rips up the post-nup and Gabby lets him into bed. (He never made copies of that contract? Really?) "The companion can be a mother with good intentions." Bree, wearing a sumptuous cream suit and a scintillating upsweep, thanks the Reverend for a lovely service. "Or a child that's up to no good." Andrew, wearing a suit, follows Bree out of the church, telling a worried-looking Reverend that indeed the service was very inspirational. The Reverend looks after Andrew's retreating form like he's waiting for it to burst into flame. "Still, despite our best intentions, some of us will lose our companions along the way," and Susan comes out of her house to check her mail, while across the street, Mike comes out to fetch his mail, "and then the journey becomes unbearable." Mike and Susan catch each other's eye for one, fleeting moment, then regretfully they turn to the business of mail. Oh, how they love the mail on Mysteria Lane! "You see, human beings are designed for many things." Noah is (still? again?) at the cemetery, gazing at his framed photo of Deirdre, which he now carries everywhere. "But loneliness isn't one of them. "

week on Desperate Housewives: We pause to let all the latecomers catch up with a series of snippets that review all that has come before, interspersed with one or two new bones for the regulars to gnaw on.