Previously: Carlos tampered with Gabrielle's birth-control pills, Mike found Paul's name on a list of toy-chest buyers in Deirdre's police file, Edie and Susan narrowly avoided getting busted breaking into Paul's house, Rex gloated to George that beautiful, classy ladies such as Bree tend to end up with doctors, not pharmacists, and George swapped Rex's heart medication for something decidedly less beneficial.
MAVO: "Since she was a little girl, Susan Meyer wanted to be a mother in the worst way." Flashback to a Susan with younger hair fussing over a baby on the couch, and in the second it takes her to turn and grab a bottle, baby Julie has rolled off the couch and onto the floor. "And from the first day she brought Julie home from the hospital, she was [a mother in the worst way]." Flashback to Susan rushing around in a dither and racing out of the house laden with baby supplies. The second the door shuts behind her, we hear a cry and Susan bursts back in, babbling apologies to the forgotten baby Julie. "Despite her desire to do well by her daughter, Susan suffered through countless failures." Flashback to Susan wearing some really unflattering Uncle Jesse overalls. She's pushing a little-girl Julie on one of those park sandpit merry-go-round things that seem specially designed to drag and maim children. Round and round Susan pushes young Julie, until the go-round comes around...empty. Wah, wah. Patented Oopsie Shocked Susan face! "Of course, it took Susan a few years to realize even the best of parents make mistakes now and then." In the now, Susan is sitting in bed reading. "But now that Julie was a teenage girl," a rat-a-tatting gets Susan up and over to the window, where she spies Zana tossing pebbles at Julie's window. "Susan had started to realize there was no room for error." Mary Alice? Listening to you talk is simply exhausting. Just the way you pronounce each word as though it were the most precious and profound thing ever uttered, it just...hurts me. You transform listening -- usually such a passive, restful thing -- into something very much like work. And you know something? I already have a job.
Julie is lying in her bed with a pillow stuffed over her head when Susan bursts in, wondering why Zana is outside, throwing rocks at Julie's window, considering that Susan very clearly forbade Julie from seeing him, just like a real parent! "I'm not," Julie explains. "That's why he's throwing gravel at my window." Susan decides she's going to handle Zana once and for all. She marches over to the window and opens it wide the very second, of course, that Zana launches an entire handful of pebbles, earning Slapstuck Susan an eyeful of rock.
Cut to Susan lying on couch, flushing her eyes clear with a monster bottle of eye-flushing fluid, croaking and acking in pain. Zana is apologizing, insisting that he's going to make it up to her. "Oh, how?" Susan yells. "You gonna gimme your corneas?" But Zana just wanted to talk to Julie! She hasn't been returning his phone calls! "Well, I'm here now," says Julie. "What do you want?" Well, he wants to, you know, talk, hang out, perhaps hide away in her bedroom -- is that so wrong? Julie thinks that maybe they should just cool it awhile, which Zana doesn't get at all. "Well, you just threw rocks in her mother's face," Susan suggests as a potential reason for some alone time. Zana looks mollified -- like, okay Julie's mom, point taken -- and he leaves, his head hung low and his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his forty-something-divorcé khakis. Without even pausing to make sure he's out of voice range, Julie gushingly thanks her mother: "I have been trying to find a way to break up with him for weeks -- you finally gave me an excuse!" MAVO: "Yes, Susan had failed many times as a mother. So she took her victories where she found them." Credits!
MAVO: "Spring comes every year to Wisteria Lane." Much like here on Earth. "It's the time when flowers start to bloom, when butterflies emerge from their cocoons, when bees begin to search for nectar." I snore at you Mary Alice. Honk-chew, honk-chew! "Spring is also the time when a young man's fancy," close-up on not-so-young George, sniffing bright pink orchid blooms that look not at all unlike human lady parts, "turns to...obsession." George walks up to Rex and Bree. "Oh my heavenly days, it's George!" she exclaims, every inch the kind of woman who says "oh my heavenly days," standing there in her buttercup yellow linen sheath, pearls, and crocheted flower jacket tied tight with a satin yellow-bow. She is also carrying a little yellow purse with a little yellow bow. Her outfit is so very, very yellow, I'm tempted to get up and build myself one of those pinhole viewers so that I might look directly at Bree without risk of blindness. But my pinhole viewer supplies are so far away, and my chair so very soft, so instead I just avert my eyes.
Bree, Rex, and George appear to be at some kind of Wisteria Lane Orchid Extravaganza ("Just Orchiding"? "Orchid at Heart"?). "So," George asks Rex with just a hint of odiousness, "how's your health?" "Not good," Rex says with barely harnessed irritation, "and my cardiologist is an idiot." "The doctor keeps upping his dosage," Bree explains, "and it's still not helping." Wait, isn't Rex a doctor? Why oh why can't he figure out that the reason his pills aren't working is that they're not actually his pills? So dumb. Anyway George has some extra tickets to an upcoming bonsai expo, and would they like to go? Bree looks thrilled, but Rex demurs: "A whole evening of Bonsai trees? Wouldn't it be easier to just...shoot me?" "Probably," George says, and then, three beats later, he laughs. Then Bree laughs. Then Rex laughs. Still laughing, Bree puts a hand on George's shoulder, and when she pulls away, he touches the spot where her hand had been, clearly dazzled, prompting Rex to eye him suspiciously. Bree suggests that just she and George go, sinc clearly Rex isn't interested in very small trees, but Rex makes up a terrible lie about how the have to go to some "thing." "I think what you're husband is trying to say," George spells out for Bree with worldly understanding, "is that he doesn't want you going out with me." Bree looks at Rex and asks him if he's still jealous, which he denies. Bree insists that even though she dated George back when she and Rex were separated, now they are "just friends." "Strictly platonic," George agrees. "But if you feel threatened..." Rex does not feel threatened! So it's decided: Bree and George are free to go platonically bonsai crazy together. She grabs George's elbow, then Rex's elbow, and the three of them walk together, off-to-see-the-Wizard style. As they walk, Bree informs George that Rex has purchased his very first orchid. "Make sure you study up," George says. "I hate people who own precious flowers and don't know how to take proper care of them." I wonder what he means by that? "You know what I hate?" Rex counters. "Weeds. They just pop up out of nowhere and you have to work so hard to get rid of them." Hm. There seems to be some kind of hidden meaning here, but I just...can't...quite...decipher...it. "I find with the right chemicals, you can get rid of almost anything." Dr. Rex? Are you listening? George uses chemicals to kill weeds! And by "weeds" he means Dr. Rexes. And by "chemicals" he means...chemicals.
From the flower show we cut to a vase full of...flowers, which are sitting in fancy car showroom. Gabby is strutting around and soaking up that new-car smell. I guess the settlement check came through after all? Because I don't think Gabby is shopping for two-seaters with Gardener John's credit card. A bleached-blonde saleslady is telling Gabby what a nice surprise it is to see her, that it's been way too long. "My husband and I went through a downsizing phase?" Gabby explains. "But we've snapped out of it." Yes, life is good, but, Gabby moans, this electric blue sports car lined in fine Italian leather would make it So. Much. Better! Saleslady opens the door and invites Gabby to slip inside. Gabby is wearing a very, very short silver leather miniskirt. I guess if you got it, flaunt it...in something alarmingly short and spacesuit shiny. Gabby does some more retail-drunk moaning, saying how she'd love to have the car in her driveway by Saturday: "I'm having a big barbecue and I want everyone to see it." Most people just tie some balloons to the mailbox, but okay. Saleslady wonders what the occasion is, and Gabby tells her that she's throwing her husband a going-away party. He's going on sort of a "government-sponsored sabbatical." How long will he be gone? "Eight months," Gabby says brightly, and then, in the soft and dreamy little voice of someone not actually conscious of speaking out loud, she adds, "six with good behavior." Saleslady gives her head a funny tilt, and then smoothly switches the subject to the wonderfulness of the leather interior. Gabby agrees that it is indeed wonderful, though perhaps the smell is a little intense? "It is one hundred percent Italian calf," Saleslady rah-rahs. Gabby nods, yes, of course, and then...vomits into the passenger seat. As Gaggy does her business, we see Saleslady's face curdle.
Cut to the car being cleaned by a team of vomit technicians. Gaggy is apologizing, telling Saleslady how smells have been making her feel "nauseous" lately. Isn't it Mason Leary from Accidental Tourist who hates people who misuse "nauseous"? Strictly speaking, Gaggy is "nauseated." If she were "nauseous," it would mean she possesses some quality that makes everyone around her want to hurl. Which, considering Gaggy's antics as of late -- yelling at Carlos at his mother's funeral, using Gardener John's credit card to buy shoes -- isn't all that far off the mark.
"Boobs tender?" Saleslady asks Gaggy with conspiratorial, "us girls" voice. "Achy back?" Gaggy marvels at her insight, "Yeah! Has it been going around?" "Only for centuries...I went through it all when I was carrying my oldest. The truth is, you're never going to fit a child's safety seat in the back of that tiny Spyder anyway." As Saleslady tries to steer Gaggy toward a four-door Spyder, a flabbergasted Gaggy digs in her heels. "Wha...ah...way...ah" she sputters. "I'm sorry, you, you think I'm pregnant?" The Saleslady apologizes, saying she just assumed Gaggy was with child because she has all the symptoms. "Well you assumed wrong," Gabby hisses. "I'm on the PILL for god's sake." And the way Gaggy says "pill," it's like she's invoking something irrefutably impregnable, like "I can't be pregnant, I was born without a uterus" or "I don't do it with boys." Must I remind you, Gaggy, that it's absolutely possible to get pregnant on the pill. Not as likely as someone who, say, thinks wearing high heels is a form of contraception (a birth-control rumor that flew around my junior high), but still! Saleslady apologizes again, and Gaggy says, "Anyway I don't WANT a four-door, I want a sexy little convertible." Anyway, couldn't a family-way Gaggy afford a sports car and a sensible Saturn or whatever? "And I want to buy one. Right now!" She pokes her angry finger at the sexy little SPYDER where the HAZMAT team is cleaning up her hurl. Saleslady says she'll go start the paperwork. "But not this one," Gaggy says. "I vomited in this one." I'm sorry, but if you vomit, you buy it. But Saleslady agrees find her a "fresh one," looking very much like she's got a nice, loud "Bitch!" trying to tear its way out of her. Gaggy looks very self-satisfied for a moment, a full-grown Veruca Salt finally in possession of her golden goose, but as the scene winds to a close, a worried shadow flits across her face.
Cut to a close-up of a dead, dead bouquet of...flowers, which are sitting in the foyer of the Peterson office (lamest, most desktop-published logo EVER). In marches Lynette, wearing an ugly, ill-fitting safari jacket. (What is it with Lynette and dead flowers? Does she emit some sort of flower-death spray wherever she goes?) Lynette walks into Tom's office and lo! What is this? Tom in a head-to-head conference with mystery woman? Tom looks up and, with panic in his eyes, shouts out a startled "Lynette!" Lynette looks slightly confused, and also not so cute? More like tired and pale. And haggard. She tells Tom that she's just there to drop off the Halpern file he forgot at home. The woman turns around, and she is just beaming. "Oh my god, Lynette!" she says with apparently genuine happy-to-see-you-ness.
MAVO: "If there was one woman Lynette never expected to see again, it was Annabel Foster. Eight years earlier," cut to Annabel and Tom making out in an elevator, "Annabel had begged Tom to marry her, but he told her that he wasn't the marrying kind. Then one day..." Cut to Annabel and Tom in different outfits, cuddling in the same elevator. Lynette gets on the elevator and Annabel gets off. "Tom happened to meet a rising young executive by the name of Lynette Lindquist." Tom and Lynette eye each other. Cut to the elevator doors opening again to reveal Tom and Lynette making out. She looks like she's wearing the same outfit, but she's carrying a different bag, so I guess this isn't the same day they first met. "And after a few torrid weeks, Tom decided that perhaps he was the marrying kind after all." Tom sneaks over to press one of the elevator buttons to buy a little more make-out time, they giggle, and the doors close. "Causing an embittered Annabel to move back to Chicago, permanently." The doors open onto an empty elevator, and Annabel walks in carrying a box of stuff. "Or so Lynette had hoped."
Back in real time, Annabel comes over to Lynette for a big hug. "You look fantastic!" Annabel lies. I think they deliberately made Lynette look awful in this scene because isn't that always the way? You run into the Woman From Out Of The Past on the day you didn't take a shower or lacked the energy for lipstick, or you have a blistering rash all over your face. "And you!" Lynette says to Annabel. "You're...here! In the office! Tom's office!" Yes, Annabel informs her, it's been going on three months now: "Didn't Tom tell you?" "It a, must have slipped his mind," Lynette says pointedly. Tom looks suitably busted. "Ah," Annabel laughs, "afraid to tell the wife you're working with the old girlfriend? I guess that makes me your dirty little secret," she says, tease-poking him in the stomach. After some uncomfortable laughter all round, Lynette turns to go, telling Tom that she'll see him later. "I can't wait!" he says. "Oh! Almost forgot," Lynette turns, "your file!" And with that she HURLS the leather file at Tom. Annabel laughs a little machine-gun laugh, and Lynette salutes them both as she pushes out of the office. Uh oh Tom!
Edie is in the middle of her under-construction house, thumbing through some plans. She is wearing: a light green fitted silk jacket with three-quarter sleeves and a jaunty black bow, a short-short black skirt with teensy white polka dots, and a huge fuchsia flower tucked behind one ear. She is, I feel compelled to reiterate, standing in the middle of a job site. Men are hammering pieces of wood and sawing things and scurrying around in their hardhats, and Edie is dressed for some kind of sexy tea party. Okay. So. Along comes CreePaul. Apparently, something's been nagging at him: the night he found Edie in his house, why was she there, really? Edie reminds him that she was there to return his keys (altogether failing to mention their ensuing make-out session). "Some things were moved around my living room," CreePaul pushes. "What were you looking for?" (Quick shot here of Mike writing on a clipboard, his biceps straining with the effort of trying to overhear what Edie and CreePaul are saying.) Again, Edie feigns ignorance. Paul threatens to call the police (yeah right), and Edie holds firm: "Do whatever you want," she says. "Suit yourself," he bluffs and then starts walking away. And then Edie caves. Really? "Susan made me do it. She has this fixation on why Mary Alice killed herself, and she keeps blathering on about blackmail notes and dead babies. Oh and she got really hot and bothered when she found the name 'Angela' on one of your videotapes?" Paul wonders if Susan found what she was looking for; Edie tells him no because he came home before Susan got a chance to watch the tape. "She sort of thinks you're evil," she adds. Paul just shrugs and says, "Thank you, Edie" in a very evil way. I'm really surprised Edie rolled over on Susan so easy. Yes, Susan burned down Edie's house, and yes she dated one of Edie's flings, but even so, I would have thought that Edie would have instinctively resisted giving in to CreepPaul's threats. As Paul saunters off, Mike comes over to ask Edie for the scoop. "Susan Mayer's obsession with Mary Alice almost got me arrested. And now Paul's after her. If I liked her better, I'd warn her, but...you know." Shrug!
Susan is paying for a cup of coffee at some sort of coffee shoppe (let's call it "Total Drip"). As she turns to leave, she spies Mike coming in the door. Panicked, she plunks herself down at a table full of lunching women. As Susan sits there, trying to casually blend in, the woman all stop talking and stare at her. "Susan?" Mike says. Busted! "Well," Susan says, "talk to you girls later." Mike pulls Susan three inches off to the side. So, Susan and Edie broke into Paul Young's house? Susan wonders who told him and he tells her it came from straight from Edie. Busted again! "Listen, I want you to stay away from that guy," Mike warns. Susan is all, fine with me -- she was planning on avoiding him anyway. With his mission accomplished, Mike takes his leave. Poignant music plays as Susan stares off after him, looking worried and maybe, just maybe, a little warmed by the thought that Mike still feels concern for her?
At the home where Evil Andrew used to appear with some regularity (remember those days?), Bree is arranging some...flowers. Flowers, flowers, flowers! Rex, it appears, has been thinking about The Pharmacist. "George," she corrects him. Whatever. Rex doesn't think Bree should go out with him anymore. But George is Bree's only friend who's interested in "cultural things." Rex insists that George is still in love with Bree; Bree thinks Rex is silly because George really does want to be just friends, which, Rex says, is exactly what someone in love with Bree would say, if it meant he got to spend time with her. Honestly, this scene isn't nearly as boring as it sounds here. For one thing, Bree's face is a veritable lava lamp of smiles and concern and laughter and scoffing. "I saw the way his hands trembled when he touched your shoulder," Rex says. "They did?" Bree says, pleased. Rex: "When we first started dating, the same thing happened to me." Aw. Anyway Rex thinks continuing to see George would only give him false hope. Well Bree certainly doesn't want to hurt him. Rex even thinks it might be a good idea to switch pharmacies. You think, Doctor Rex? YOU THINK? Bree finally gives in, saying, "You know what I'm going to miss most about him? George always has a way of making me feel good about myself." Bree is so very sweet in this scene. "Yeah, he's a terrific guy," Rex sarcasms. Bree says, teasingly, "Honey, do your hands still tremble when they touch me?" and Rex laughs and says, "No! But come on, we've been married eighteen years." "Yes," Bree says grimly, "and you still don't know when to lie." Way to make Bree extra-miss George and his ways of making her feel good about herself, Rex! Rex sighs and shakes out some of George's poison pills.
Meanwhile, down at the pharmacy, Gabby runs up to stock-girl Ginger and asks her if the pregnancy test she's holding is a good one. Ginger guesses it's okay -- she isn't quite surly, but definitely a little "whatever, lady." Gabby asks if they have a bathroom, and Ginger tells her it's for employees only. George rushes over and graciously directs Gabby to their bathroom. As soon as Gabby scuttles out of hearing range, George turns to Ginger and unleashes some of his molten crazy on her. "What did I tell you about being rude to customers?" he rages. "Just stick a smile on your face or I'll keep you in back stocking shelves where no one has to look at you." Ginger's mouth is just swinging open in shock.
And then in walks Bree, and George's voice downshifts from "unhinged boss" to "sing-song pleasant." The transformation is absolutely eerie. Of course, if anyone could turn Hyde into Jekyll, it's Bree, standing there all soapy clean in an orange tennis sweater with open neck, button-down collar, and white-trimmed sleeves. But poor, scary George: Bree isn't there to fill a prescription, she's there to tell him she can't go to the bonsai expo after all; in fact, she thinks maybe it's a good idea if they stopped hanging out in general. George wonders just what Dr. Van De Kamp said to sour her on him, and Bree confesses that Rex thinks George is still in love with her. "That's stupid," George gulps. "I'm not in love with you." Bree looks a little pained by this admission, whether because she kind of liked the idea of his loving her or because she's simply embarrassed by the whole situation. "The truth is, I'm in love with Ginger." "Ginger?" Bree asks incredulously. "The stock girl?" "Yes," George smiles, "it's very serious." Both he and Bree turn to peer over at Ginger, who looks completely disconcerted for a moment, until she remembers George's raving about smiling at customers and she suddenly grins hugely. Ginger is kind of awesome! Bree seems very excited by the news of George and Ginger's budding romance: "My goodness," she says, "this changes everything." Now Bree and George can totally bonsai it up! In fact, her friend (you know, the one peeing on a stick in the employee bathroom at that very moment?) is having a barbecue on Saturday, and George should totally come. And totally bring Ginger! George isn't so sure that Ginger is available, but Bree insists: if Rex sees George and Ginger together, he'll be able to relax and let Bree and George enjoy their "culture" together. George is choking on the idea of Ginger on his arm at a Wisteria Lane BBQ when they hear a muffled scream from the bathroom: "Son of a BITCH!" Gabby opens the door, sees Bree standing there, and tries to cover up for her screaming with a tsking for George about how there's no toilet paper. "Bree," she says brightly, "I'll call you later!" and with a worry-pained expression on her face, she minces on out of there. Hey! She didn't pay for her test! Oh Gabby. Worse still, she seems to really have fallen for the whole "center-part feather" look. I know it's supposed to be back in fashion, but really I think it only looks good when there's a pinchy Koala clip involved.
Tom is home from work, and based on how dark it is in the house, I'm guessing he's been really putting off tonight's homecoming. "Honey," he calls, "are you home?" He looks searchingly around the living room, when from the shadows Lynette makes him jump by saying, "Three months?" Apparently she's just been sitting in the dark, staring out the window. "Were you ever going to tell me?" Why, Lynette wonders, would Tom even hire that woman? Tom tries to sidestep the question with the technicality that actually his boss hired her; he only vouched for her: "Look, she was devastated when I left her for you. I felt bad!" Lynette cuts right to the chase by asking, "Do you still have feelings for her?" And instead of just answering her, he says, "All right, I'm not talking to you." So not an answer! Were they not opening an office in Belize, maybe Tom could talk to his boss about getting Annabel transferred. "I'm serious," Lynette says. "If she stays, I will haunt your office. I'll bring you lunch every day. I'll bring the kids to visit. I will change diapers on your desk. Every birthday cake in the break room, every retirement party, I'll be there, watching her." As her threat builds momentum, Lynette starts smiling with confidence. It almost looks as though she's having a good time here. But then Tom comes right back at her: "Well, I better get you a parking space, because she's staying." He turns to walk up the stairs and Lynette stares after him, deflated.
Oh look, Susan's mom is hanging up a horrible beaded strand curtain, the kind that gets immediately tangled whenever anyone actually tries to walk through it. It's especially idiotic because it hangs in a double-wide doorway that features a pair of fully functional glass-paned doors, which now can't actually close anymore thanks to the heinous beaded curtain. "Don't you think it spices up the room?" Sophie gushes to Susan. Before Susan has a chance to deliver what was surely going to be a less-than-enthusiastic answer, the doorbell rings. It's Zana, with potted "sorry I put out your eye"...flowers. Zana very much wants to be friends with Susan, so that he and Julie can get back on track. "Yeah, well, that's not going to happen," Susan says. Susan reminds him of the time he threw a table in her house. Zana acknowledges that he was way out of line that night, whoa, but that they have to get over it "for Julie's sake." Aww, Zana! First love can be so hideously blind. "How do you think it makes her feel that her mother and her boyfriend can't even get along?" he adds. Susan: "Zach? Julie does not think of you as her boyfriend. In fact, I don't think she wants anything to do with you." Zana doesn't believe Susan! But if Julie did say so (and right about now, Zana really starts to yell), it's because Susan tells her stuff about Zana that ISN'T TRUE! From across the street, CreePaul yells for Zana to "Come here! Right now!" Cut to Felicia, watering FLOWERS out on her front stoop and tuning in to the drama. Piano music swells as Zana, with a tear-strained voice, begs Susan, "Please? Don't ruin this for me." Susan looks across at Paul, and then just turns and goes into her house. Zana retreats across the street, clutching his potted flower and looking positively crushed. Wasn't Susan friends with this kid's mother? Didn't she sneak Julie into a crazy hatch to find out if he was okay? Where's the love, Susan? It just doesn't seem like her to be this mean, though maybe she's just in full-throttle mamma-bear mode. And, as I learned this summer at Yellowstone, when bears attack, the only thing you can do is lie down on your stomach and spread your legs.
Anyway, flashback! Felicia is teaing off with her sister, the nosy Mrs. Huber. How, Mrs. Huber wonders, does Felicia know Mary Alice? Mrs. Huber is holding a framed photo as she asks this, so I guess they're over at Felicia's house. The thing is, Felicia doesn't know "Mary Alice," she knows "Angela Forest." Angela worked at the rehab center with Felicia fifteen years ago. "You think I don't know my own neighbor?" Mrs. Huber says. Felicia leans in for a closer look at the photo. Thoughtfully, she asks, "Does this Mary Alice have children?" Mrs. Huber says that yes she does, one teenaged boy. Felicia gives a sort of "well, well, well" look, and gossip-hound Huber goads her to spill. "Angela and I," Felicia says, "worked together with a very disturbed young woman who gave birth to a baby boy." Oh, sadness. A boy? I was so hoping that "Dana" was a girl's name, and that Zana would turn out to have been one of those babies born with girl parts, and boy parts, and one very difficult decision. Now that would have been an interesting storyline. Sigh. "About a year later, Angela and her husband disappeared. Not long after that I heard that the child was missing too. People said it was just a coincidence, but in my heart, I always hoped that she had given him a proper home." "Are you saying," Mrs. Huber drools, "that she stole the baby?" "Don't look shocked, it makes your face look fat." Yeah, these two just loved the stuffing out of each other. "The biological mother was a drug addict!" Felicia tells her soon-to-be-blendered sister. "If Angela really is your neighbor, which I doubt, then that child was very lucky."
Tom's office. Annabel is getting some coffee when Lynette strolls in. And she is looking gooood. Almost too good, like she spent the last six hours getting ready, shaving and primping and blow-drying all for the sake of intimidating Annabel. Annabel informs Lynette that, unfortunately Tom's off with a client. "Actually, I wanted to see you," Lynette says. "You know, that's really funny," Annabel says. "I was thinking the same thing...we should go out! For lunch! Just the two of us." Dripping with sarcasm, Lynette says, "Yeah, I'll check my book." Wow. Lynette is so nasty I'm almost rooting for Tom to stray. "So, Annabel. Do you have feelings for Tom?" That Lynette, what a chase-cutter. Annabel looks visibly thrown, but after a second she warms up to the fight: "Yes, Tom and I were in love. But he married you. I'm not looking to break up a happy couple. Anyway, that's really more your speed, isn't it?" Bam! Zing! Pow! Lynette looks a little winded by that one, but she continues to hold eye contact. They're standing there, at battle stations, when in pops the quintessential office guy. Completely oblivious to the tension, he says, "Mornin', ladies! Just going in for a little fuel." He darts between them, but they continue hold the stare. "Yup! One man's sludge is another man's liquid gold. Well! Back to the trenches." So good. If you've never worked in an office, you might think that oblivious, TPS-report guys like that are an exaggeration, nothing but pure hyperbole. But no. I've worked with that man. Over and over again. "Watch your step," Lynette says in the rehearsed, moderated tone of a meditation tape. "Tom and I? We're a team. Our marriage is rock-solid. Nothing you do can ever break that up." "Then why," Annabel laughs, "are you down here right now, warning me?" That Annabel! She takes the "T" and the "E" out of "touché"!
Meanwhile, down at the big stone church, a priest turns to find himself staring straight into the face of guilty, guilty Gabrielle. "Oh sweet mother of god," he says, "what did you do this time." Oh Father, funny art thou! So Gabby's pregnant. "Yes," she says, "and it's impossible, I'm on the pill!" (Gabby, Gabby, Gabby, I shake my head at you and your dumb brain!) "Which I know you probably think is a sin, but it works. It's a 99.9% effective sin." Gabby is getting some good lines in tonight! "Well, maybe it's in that one tenth of a percent," Father hypothesizes, "that God resides." Gabby whines that God is punishing her. "Have you done something that would warrant being punished?" the Father asks. Gabby looks at him forlornly. After a beat, he supplies his own answer. "The Gardener?" he sighs. "I'd be an awful mother. I'm selfish, and I'm self-centered. The only person more self-centered than me is Carlos. He's so self-centered he doesn't even know how self-centered I am!" Ha! But what does Gabby want the priest to do, to say? "I want to know who to be angry at." Father suggests that maybe she not be angry at all, but rather be thankful! "Children are a gift are they not?" "I don't have time for this crap," Go-go-Gabby! "I have a party to plan."
Edie is still in the middle of her under-construction house. Today, she's wearing a plunging halter top with asymmetrical hem and tight black pants. Lynette wanders over, wearing another one of her unfortunate oversized man-shirts. "So look," she says to Edie, "you're basically a predator, and I need some advice." Edie seems to take that as a compliment. Lynette explains the Annabel situation, and Edie says, "There are two ways to approach this. First, I have to ask: what kind of shape is this woman in?" "Fantastic shape, she's gorgeous," Lynette mutters. "Okay...now there's really only one way to approach this...it's really pretty simple. When I feel threatened by a woman, I pull her in, I make her my best friend." "I thought you said you didn't have any female friends," Lynette says. "I don't. And I've never been threatened by another woman either." In short, Lynette's takeaway from Edie: keep your friends close and invite your enemies over for dinner. A pathetic, uncomfortable, completely staged dinner, as we discover soon enough.
Back home, Tom is playing with the girl baby, and Lynette announces that they'll be having a (pathetic, uncomfortable, completely staged) dinner party, and she's thinking of inviting Annabel, an announcement that prompts the baby to give a weird, computer-generated blink which leaves me feeling slightly Quiznoseated.
Zana is washing his face at the kitchen sink. He's wearing the same rigidly buttoned-to-the-rim shirt as he had on in his plant scene with Susan, and he's still totally wound up, so I'm guessing that this is only a matter of moments later, which feels chronologically wrong, somehow. Zana is insisting that they're not going to move. But, Paul warns him, Susan knows something, and Edie said...but Zana cuts him off: "I don't care what Edie said, I'm not leaving Julie!" Paul can't believe that Zana's going to risk their lives, their future, over some "schoolyard crush"! But it's more than that, Zana yelps: "Julie loves me!" Poor Zana. Maybe there was some damage done, down there in the womb of the deranged drug addict mother? "Then why," Paul says, "does she refuse to see you?" Oh that? Zana blames that on the forked tongue of Susan. "You know Julie is a very special girl, she could have just about any boy she wanted," Paul tells him with a slimy kindness. "I think you're a wonderful kid, I do, but...you're not that special, Zach. Not really." Wow. So sorry, Zana. Either way you slice it, nature or nurture, you're totally screwed. "She kissed me," Zana insists. "Lately?" Paul says. Paul assures him that there are going to be other girls, especially if they move to some other town. May I suggest a town where the men obsessively tuck in their shirts, just like Zana? But if Susan goes to the police, they're going to take Paul away, and Zana too! Zana doesn't care, because if Julie doesn't love him, then nothing matters! You hear that, world? Zana's teenaged heart is shattered, and his life is totally over! Hm, has the power been shut off at their house? Because this whole scene is distractingly dim -- I guess it's on purpose, some kind of suburban noir? But it just comes off looking a little dingy.
Meanwhile, over at the pathetic, uncomfortable, and completely staged dinner party, Lynette is futzing with dishes as Tom and Annabel giggle about work, a hilarious yuck-up that ends with Annabel grabbing Tom's hand, a weird moment that stretches out until Lynette breaks it with her bodily need to clear their dishes. Um, I thought this was supposed to be a dinner party. Why is it just the three of them? That is so weird. On cue, the Ps, all cute and jammied, appear on the stairs and, even though it's well after their bedtime, Lynette convinces Tom to have them come into the kitchen and meet Annabel. "An old, OLD friend of your daddy's," Lynette explains. The Ps have a picture with them: "It's all of us with Mommy and Daddy. We're really happy." Annabel wonders just when, exactly, they painted this picture, and a P spills the beans, saying that they painted it earlier because Mommy told them to. Tom looks disgusted and Lynette laughs, "I just told them to paint something nice, the sentiment is all theirs!" Ah, Lynette, back to your old ways of using your children as weapons. There's some talk here of the Ps maybe painting Annabel's picture, which they're all for because she's "pretty," which is enough to get Lynette nice and ready to send them off to bed. Tom takes them upstairs, and Annabel says, "I must say, Lynette, your home is warm and inviting, your children are absolutely precious. This whole evening was practically a commercial for the perfect family...you couldn't have planned it any better. And I mean that."
It's dark and Susan is taking out the trash. When she puts down the lid (again with the retro metal garbage cans! Where IS this Wisteria Lane?), surprise! Look who's standing right to her. It's CreePaul! "Hello Susan," he says in his weird Norman Bates voice. He understands that she and Edie broke into his house, hello? Susan tries bluffing with a "huh?" It's okay, he assures her, he's not mad. In fact, he's willing to tell her whatever she wants to know about Angela. Mark Moses does an amazing job here of portraying an evil man trying to portray a friendly man. The strain of it sends a current through this whole scene.
Cut to CreePaul bringing Susan tea, explaining that Angela was named for an aunt that she had a big falling-out with, so she changed her name to Mary Alice. That's it! Nobody here but us chickens! Susan doesn't think that really sounds like something Mary Alice would do. "Neither did suicide," Paul reminds her rather matter-of-factly, "but we both know that she did it." With that, Paul tries to wrap things up, asking if Susan can finally put this to rest? Or does she need to break into his house for anything else. Ho, ho! Susan seems very tired, and indeed ready to put it all behind her, but at the last second she asks to see the videotape of Angela -- it would be nice to see MA when she was young. Paul gives some lame excuse about how the entire box of tapes was recently thrown out with the trash. Suspicious! And it's plain to see that Susan isn't buying it. Paul lurches over to her and says, "I'm serious when I say I hope you'll leave my family alone now. This endless suspicion of yours has become very tiring." "I couldn't agree more," Susan says, and walks out. Hmmm.
Back at the Best Little Show on Earth, Annabel, Tom, and Lynette are sitting in the living room having coffee and strawberries and...freaky grey lumps. Annabel's cell phone rings and it's Peterson, her (and Tom's) boss. She goes into the other room to take the call, giving Tom a chance to comment on the little show Lynette's put together. "'Show'?" Lynette says all innocent. Tom: "The boys' painting, all the references to how happy we are?" Ouch. References to their happiness are just a show? I've always kind of thought Tom and Lynette had the most solid relationship on Wisteria Lane, buried secrets aside. At least they joke with each other. Lynette wonders what's so wrong with subtly reminding Annabel that Tom's happily married? "Because it wasn't subtle, and it's an insult to me." Lynette insists that she didn't mean it that way, and gets up to clear away the grey lumps.
Then Tom just explodes, pretty much yelling, "Are you so insecure that you have to pull that crap?" "Keep your voice down!" Lynette hisses. Yeah, Tom. Not so classy, what with Annabel in the room -- it would have been much nicer and productive of him to wait until they were alone. But I guess he's been boiling over for quite awhile now? "It doesn't matter if she has feelings for me," he says in slightly lower tones (oh so she IS attracted to him!), "as long as I am not interested. Have I ever, ever given you reason to doubt me?" "The first time we ever met," Lynette says, getting mad now, "you were cheating." "With you, cheating with YOU!" Wow, Tom is mad! "It's a pattern of behavior!" Lynette counters. Huh. I know what she's driving at here, but Lynette is getting into dangerous territory with this line of thought. She should have worked all this stuff out before they got married, and had eight million ill-behaved children, whom she is incapable of spanking. More yelling here, yelling, yelling. But then, ooh, we get to the meat of their problems, the real juice. "How many times have you said, 'if you ever touch another woman, I will take the boys and walk out of here and you will never see us again'?" Tom says. "Oh that's just something wives say to their husbands," Lynette says. If she really believes that, she's in more trouble than she thinks. "God, Lynette, you're just so convinced that I'm going to be unfaithful. It makes me sick. The distrust, the paranoia. It seems like you're not going to be happy until you drive me out of this marriage just to prove yourself right!" Lynette looks so crushed by this that Tom tries to take it back, but Lynette says it's too late, it's been said. Tom: "Well, then, just consider it something that husbands say to their wives."
Cue Annabel, who comes sashaying back in to announce that they have to go back in to work and redo the entire presentation. Tonight! Tom's too drunk to drive, so Annabel offers to take him to the office. (Ah ha! I was wondering where this burst of defiance was coming from! Usually Tom outdoes himself trying to smooth Lynette's feathers, but tonight he's really sticking it to her. What is it they say -- sober man's mind, drunk man's tongue?) "Don't worry, Lynette," Annabel says, halfway out the door, "I'll deliver him back to you just as soon as I can." "Please do," Lynette says in defeat. Holy crazy, that was a good fight!
At Carlos's Prison Kick-off BBQ, music is playing, summer skirts are swishing, balloons are ballooning, and raw meat is smoking away on the grill. Carlos hands over the spatula to Gabby so that he can make his speech to the crowd, and almost immediately, Gabby starts looking a little Gaggy -- though she is looking lovely overall in a strapless coral pink top with a purple sash waistband and a ruffled little turquoise and purple flippy skirt. Meanwhile, Bree is wearing an amazing acid green sheath with retro mini-bow accents, while, uh oh, Edie is wearing plastic-surgery-huge sunglasses, a matronly pink suit with ruffle trim and, I think, nothing but an underwire bra? She looks absolutely hung-over. "I just wanted to say that it really means a lot to me that all of you came," Carlos announces. "And as you know, in a few days I will be taking a government-sponsored vacation. Lucky for me, breakfast is included." As everyone laughs over that little bon mot, Julie whispers an "oh god" to Susan. Zana, the impetus for Julie's "oh god," is wearing a light suit, an olive green shirt, and a lighter green tie. He is, I believe, the only person there in a suit. The look on his face is sour in the extreme, the perfect match to the one worn by his father. "The bottom line," Carlos continues with his toast, "is I'm going away to jail, and when a man goes away to jail -- which I hope none of you here have to do -- you see who your friends are. So thanks." Hear, hear! And with that, Gaggy races off to the bathroom to vomit, snatching on the way a glass and a full bottle of champagne from Susan's mom, who gives a snooty little "Excuse YOU." Nice pale yellow sweater set, Sophie!
"Stay put till I need you," George orders Ginger, "Don't talk to anybody, and for god's sake, don't get drunk." "You know," she says, "I was supposed to go to my cousin's wedding today." George: "It's not a wedding, it's a commitment ceremony." Ha!
Gabby is camping out in her bathroom, doing some deep breathing.
Meanwhile, Zana has brought Julie two hot dogs with all the fixings, which she rejects, as she does to his offer to go play some croquet. That's fine, he says -- they can just sit there. Julie snaps. "Zach! I don't want to be your girlfriend, I don't want to hang out with you, I just want you to leave me alone, okay?" "Kay..." he says with much sadness. As he walks away, Julie looks like she feels semi-bad, but also relieved to be finally shod of him.
Gabby pops the champagne and pours herself a glass. She stares at it for a second, sighs, and then pours it out into the sink. Oh my god, is she keeping her baby? Papa don't preach! Sulkily, she pulls a packet of birth-control pills out of a lacquered chest. (Huh, I thought she kept her pills in a weird briefcase thing.) She flips open the case and stares broodingly at the pills of betrayal. It looks as though she's about a week into this cycle, which means she should have just finished with her period. But, unless she's been pregnant for just a few days -- and really, I don't think she'd be all boob-tender and hurling that soon? -- I'm guessing she skipped her period altogether. Regarding the baby growing inside her womb? In which case, why would she be so surprised by the pregnancy? From what I know about the pill, you can pretty much set your watch by your period. Maybe she's one of the rare cases who gets her period even when she's pregnant? Or maybe she was so busy shopping for a shiny new MASERATI SPYDER to decorate he front driveway with that she missed her missed period? In any case! Gabby is mad. She asked Father Disappointed whom she should be mad at, and now she knows. She is mad at her birth-control pills! She slaps them. Then she beats them with her fist. Mad, mad, mad! After all this violence, the pills spring free from their plastic shell, and Gabby peers at them suspiciously. What have we here? MAVO: "In that moment, while looking at the pills that had been so obviously tampered with, Gabrielle's nausea was suddenly replaced by an even stronger sensation." Rage!
Back at the party, Rex spots George and roughly spins him around, asking him just what it is he thinks he's doing. Unfortunately, the act of spinning George transforms George's drink -- a pink, fruity thing -- into a sprinkler, which sprays the front of Rex's polo. George apologizes, but Rex is having none of it. Yelling, yelling. Bree comes up and wonders what's going on, Rex tells her that George crashed the party -- that clearly he's not taking no for an answer. Bree: "It's okay! George? Has a girlfriend." Rex doesn't believe it, but George points out Ginger, and they all turn and catch her with a chip awkwardly stuffed halfway into her mouth. "See?" Bree says with a big smile. "We were worried for nothing." Rex says he's waiting for an apology, and Bree agrees that Rex definitely owes George "some sort of gesture." Rex goes to turn away, but then does a "what the hell" and pushes George into the pool. George grabs Bree on his way down and they both go into the pool. Bree surfaces and yells "Rex! Have you lost your mind?" Ooh, Bree's mascara is totally raccooning! I don't think I, or anyone at that BBQ, has ever seen Bree in that kind of disarray. It's kind of disconcerting. What to do, where to turn when a rose isn't a rose isn't a rose? "To be fair," Rex says, "I only pushed him," Rex says. And...just when the neighborhood couldn't possibly be more titillated, out runs Gabby, her violated birth control in hand. "Carlos, you SON OF A BITCH! I am pregnant," she holds up her pills, "and it's all your fault!" SLAP! The way she worded it, it isn't at all clear that the reason for her fury is the pill-tampering. As far as all the many onlookers are concerned, it could just be his penis she's yelling at. And technically, Gardner John's penis is just as likely to blame for that part of the equation. Gabby runs back into the house, past a very surprised Susan, who appears to be holding a glass full of...popcorn? Carlos stands there, looking stunned for a moment, then gives himself a pleased chortle and takes a swing of his margarita. "Wow," Edie says to Felicia, "This is turning in to one hell of a party." I totally agree. A most excellent barbecue!
Susan runs outside to find Gabby sitting in front of the house. "Are you okay?" Wow, bold black-bra-with-white-top move, Susan. Gabby: "I think I can honestly say, no, I'm not." Susan says she's so sorry, "but you know what they say about kids. You can't imagine having them until you do, and then you can't imagine life without them? It's true." Gabby looks entirely skeptical. All Susan is saying is that maybe this is a blessing in disguise! I really wish Susan asked Gabby about how she was feeling before she launched in with all the "blessing in disguise" sanctimoniousness. It's a small thing -- Susan's not pausing to find out what, exactly, is on Gabby's mind -- but it speaks volumes about Susan's self-involvement. ["Especially since Susan is the only one of the Housewives who knows about Gabby's affair." -- Wing Chun] "I don't know who the father is," Gabby blurts, effectively staunching Susan's pep talk. And then Susan's kitchen, which we see behind them, explodes in a big, impressive fireball. Gabby and Susan scream. "Oh, oh my god," Susan yells. "That's my house!" She runs over, "My kitchen!" A crowd of people come running out from the barbecue, and Susan turns to yell at them, "It's a BIG FIRE!" Thank you, Susan. So sad, and yet also funny.
Cut to Susan's blackened kitchen. A fireman is telling her "it turns out that someone left the gas on with candles burning." Susan says that's not possible, because they don't burn candles during the day. Sophie pipes up, "Uh, well, I did have a French vanilla candle burning earlier, but, but, I'm almost positive I blew it out!" Sophie closes her eyes and pantomimes the act of blowing out a candle. "Yes! I did. I did. I...think." "You're lucky the fire was contained," the fireman tells them. "The damage could have been far more extensive." Susan looks out the gaping hole where he kitchen window once stood and sees CreePaul shooting her his creepy vibe from across the street. Fireman: "You've got to be more careful." CreePaul turns to go back into his house, and ominous music swells. "Don't worry," Susan says to the fireman, "we will be."
Bree is at the pharmacy, to apologize to George for what Rex did, humiliating George in front of all those people. I'm pretty sure that Rex came off as the idiot in that scenario? Though maybe George's clothes got all transparent when they got wet and everyone saw the pentagrams or whatever George has tattooed all over his crazy self? Bree just doesn't know what got into Rex. George: "Isn't it obvious? He hates me." Bree says no, no, Rex doesn't hate George, he doesn't even know George, and George doesn't even know him. George: "Well, I know this much, he isn't going to let us be friends." And with that masterful maneuvering, George manages to get Bree's independent streak a-flaring: "Well, that's not his choice to make." George: "What if he asks you not to see me anymore? What if he orders you?" Well, Bree decides whom she needs in her life, and she's decided that she needs George. George says that Rex is going to make it awfully difficult for them to see each other. "Well," says Bree with a sneaky look in her eye, "who says he has to know how I spend my free time?"
Susan is thumbing through the yellow pages, looking for a private dick. To investigate her kitchen explosion! There's a long list to choose from. (I guess when people aren't checking their mail or indulging in an unhealthy obsession with flowers on Wisteria Lane, they're hiring investigators to snoop on each other?) After about three seconds of thorough research and deliberation, Susan randomly selects Shaft, the same investigator CreePaul hired to find out who was blackmailing Mary Angela. Susan asks Shaft if he can help her dig up some dirt on her neighbor, Paul Young. As a matter of fact, Shaft knows he can! After all, he knew the man well enough to kill for him.
Final MAVO: "Spring comes every year to Wisteria Lane." Uh-huh, sure MA, you said that already. And it wasn't exactly profound the first time around? "But not everyone remembers to stop and smell the flowers." Flowers, right. Flowers, flowers, FLOWERS! "Some are too busy worrying about the future." Lynette sits on her porch, worrying about her future. "Or mistakes they've made in the past." Gabby sits on her porch and touches her little "mistake." "Others are preoccupied with not getting caught." Bree and George rendezvous at some park, looking guilty. "Or thinking of ways to catch someone else." Susan and CreePaul stare at each other from their sides of the street. "Still, there will always be a few who remember to take a moment and appreciate what spring has given them." Felicia sits with her gnomes, smiling and fondling her flower garden. "Just as there will always be those who prefer to sit in the dark...brooding over...everything...they've...lost." Zana lies on his bed in the dark, a lit lighter at his chest and a whole stalker wall full of pictures of Julie. It is a truly creepy scene. I just got chills, seriously. That house is a bachelor pad of the damned, full of sadness, failure, and evil. And shirts dying to be untucked.
week on Desperate Housewives: Lynette dresses up in a rubber French Maid's uniform!