Children Will Listen

Previously on Desperate Housewives: Mama falls down a flight of stairs; the hospital offers Gabby a wrongful death settlement, which she signs the shit out of; Andrew gets carted away to Camp Cognac for some attituning; Paul hurls a toy chest into Torch Lake; a craftsmen identifies the Toy Chest of the Lake as one of his own, offering the police a list of his buyers, and then...the toy chest pops to the surface of the lake (weird, here, is the order of flashbacks: the craftsman identifies the toy box at the police station, THEN we see Paul throw the toy box into the lake?); Zach promises to keep Paul's secret, icing the promise with the most sarcastic "Dad" ever.

And...MAVO! "There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain." Gabby's hair is perfect, her makeup divine. "She knew red was her color." Gabby struts out of her house wearing the teensiest, eensiest red dress. Her decolletage is tongue-kissed by the sun. "She knew diamonds went with everything." Huge, huge diamonds dazzle Gabby's wrist, ears, and fingers. Where is that Gabby headed, some A-list nightclub? A cocktail party for the famously rich? No! Gabby is going out...to get the mail. Poor Gabby. It's clear by the level of her over-primping that Gabby has succumbed to the insanity of extreme boredom. "And she knew men were all the same." Gabby's neighbor is out on his front lawn playing catch with his son, but when he gets an eyeful of Gabby in her mail/male-fetching outfit, the ball sails right past him and rolls over to Gabby, who stops it with one hooker-shod foot. "But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else," and the little neighbor lad runs over to retrieve the ball and Gabby, after a moment's flirty hesitation, drops it into his mitt, "she would never want children." The neighbor and son resume their catching, and Gabby resumes her sexy, sexy mail sorting, until she notices Carlos standing out on the porch, smiling the smile of a lobotomy patient as he gazes upon the happy, all-American man-with-son scene (which plays out in slo-mo for extra all-American effect). "Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband felt differently." Gabrielle's sexy face falls.

Later, in bed, Gabby rubs lotion into...her hands. This may be just me, in fact it probably is just me, but there is something so unsexy-gramma about hand-lotioning in bed. Gabby tells Carlos how lucky she is to have a husband who wants kids so badly, yet stays with her even though she doesn't want them. Ever. Carlos seems to think that there's still a chance, and that if she found herself with child, she might just surprise herself. "Honey," Gabby assures him, "it's not going to happen." "You never know!" Carlos rejoins optimistically. "No, sometimes you do," Gabby says with conviction (even though birth control pills are only 99.9% effective, meaning one in every thousand pill-controlled women still gets pregnant...and if your husband is swapping out your pills for placebos, those chances go up significantly). MAVO: "Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt that she didn't want to be a mother." Carlos and Gabby start in with the sexing. "What she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father." The screen splits so that, to Carlos and Gabrielle's horizontal forms, we see Carlos retrieving birth control pills from the kind of briefcase typically used to transport unmarked bills. Gabby stores her pills in a briefcase? "Or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months." Again the screen splits (or should I saw "spawns"?) to reveal multiple shots of Carlos swapping out pills. His tampering methods look very Mission Impossible, with a scalpel delicately applied to the task of removing the pills' foil backing. "Or that within one week's time," and Gabrielle collapses, with a well-sated sigh, onto Carlos's chest, "she'd be pregnant." Roll those title credits!

MAVO: "Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belonged to the children." Wow, really? I thought Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belonged to a pod of slender, maritally challenged women. "And while most would spend the day practicing their sports," and Lynette and family toss the football around their front yard, "and riding their bikes," and blackmailing Ashley rolls past Gabby on her blackmail bicycle and they exchange glares, "and jumping their ropes," and the camera pans past two girls jumping their ropes (Practicing their sports? Jumping their ropes? Is English Mary Alice's second language?), "others were no longer engaged in child's play." Zach is no longer engaging in child's play in his front yard, hunched over a rake and wearing a buttoned-all-the-way polo tee tucked into terrible jeans hiked high with a woven leather belt. That is one rakin' out, Zach. "Indeed some children were being forced to grow up very quickly." The cops are at the door, asking Paul a few questions about a certain toy chest, which Mary Alice purchased 12 years ago. Remember? With the dancing bears? Paul can't really recall such a thing, no. But Zach pipes up that he remembers it but good, remembers that it had balloons as well as bears, remembers that they threw it away when he was little: "I was standing on it and it just busted, remember dad?" Satisfied with Zach's fat lie, the police take off, but not before Zach asks them what the big deal is and learns that a toy chest just like the one he used to have had washed up on the banks of Torch Lake, with a woman inside. A chopped-up woman. "A woman?" Zach says with revulsion. As soon as the police are out of range, Paul says to Zach, "Obviously we need to talk," and together they go inside the house. From across the yard, Felicia looks on with intense interest and an enormous pair of gardening sheers. Inside, Zach yells at Paul for lying to him: "You said there was a man in the box!" "I told you a private detective had come to take you away from us, I never said it was a man." Forgive me, but...the Man-versus-Woman lie? Not the biggest issue here. How about the "chopped up" part, Zach? But Zach continues to zone in on Paul's lying. "For the last time," Paul says, "someone came to try to take you away from us, from the only family that you've ever known." Wait, does that mean Zach has a different, unknown family? Huh!

Bree is assembling a care package for Andrew. She is also arguing with Rex about how she doesn't want to go to visiting day at Camp Cognac. Bree tries to add some lemon squares to the box, and Rex stops her, reminding her that sugar is forbidden at Camp because, he guesses, "it undercuts the boot-camp experience." Bree thinks that's a stupid rule. (Really? That doesn't sound like our Bree, the world's biggest fan of the electrified fence.) As the bickering continues, we discover that the real reason Bree doesn't want to go is that she thinks Andrew is going to attack her for abandoning him. Rex tries to soothe Bree by telling her not to feel guilty, she did everything she could for him. "I don't feel guilty," Bree lies. Rex says "okay" with zero conviction and retreats upstairs. Bree throws the lemon squares into the box.

Lynette is screaming at Tom, "So help me, if you don't back me up on this, I will LOSE it!" Tom totally agrees with Lynette! Sort of! But, he points out, it's not like Bree actually hurt Porter. (You know, he's right. I was spanked growing up -- not a lot, maybe twice, but still -- it never actually hurt, and it deterred me from doing things like touching burning-hot cookie sheets. And see? Look how GREAT I turned out.) "That is not the point," Lynette shouts, "you don't spank other people's children!" (You know, she's right. It's weird to paddle someone else's kid. Maybe in earlier times, back when it took a village to raise a child, it was acceptable for someone to spank someone else's misbehaving child, but in these modern, more litigious times, it doesn't seem like the brightest idea. On the other hand, I can imagine that living in such close proximity to Lynette's kids would be insufferable for someone as obviously pro-spanking as Bree. Her spanking hand must have been itching for years.) Tom points out that Porter WAS misbehaving and Bree did have to do something, earning a poisoned glare from Lynette. But yes! Tom agrees, Bree definitely crossed a line. Lynette thinks Bree could have done a lot of things other than a spanking, such as a time-out or simply threatening to spank him. (You know, she's right.) "Yeah," Tom says sarcastically, "'cause that works out so well when we do it." Lynette insists that it does work, most of the time! "It used to work," Tom clarifies, "they've figured out that it's an empty threat, they're on to us." "My mom used to beat the hell out of my sisters and me," Lynette says, near tears, "and I won't do it." But, Tom points out, the boys are getting older and smarter, "and eventually they're going to figure out that they outnumber us." Lynette crumples to the bed. "We're screwed." (Right again!) Remember how once in a rare while, The Love Boat would come to Fantasy Island? Wouldn't it be awesome if there were a crossover like that between Supernanny and Desperate Housewives? Tom and Lynette absolutely need someone with a toffeed British accent coming in and teaching that whole family how to use its words. Come on, both shows are on ABC, it would be so easy!

Felicia is struggling to get her groceries out of her trunk and notices Zach strumming his acoustic guitar on the porch. Thank god someone finally gave that troubled teen a guitar! Felicia asks him if he would mind giving her a hand getting her groceries into the house, and she baits the hook by telling him there's some banana bread in it for him. Since no teenaged boy can resist the siren call of banana bread, he agrees. Zach small talks about the tastiness of Felicia's bread (stop!) and how he's never actually been inside Mrs. Huber's house before. "Obviously you haven't missed much," Felecia says with a pointed look at the wild animal tchotchkes, "this is where good taste goes to die." Then she starts right in with the digging. She heard Zach fighting with his father the other day, is everything all right at home? And she bets he misses his mother. "Such a warm, loving woman," she tells him. Zach stutters, "Y-you know my mother?" Oh sure, Felicia used to work with her, back in Utah. "Your mother loved you so much," She tells a visibly shaken Zach, "Of all the things I remember, I remember that most." Zach breaks down and squeezes out some very believable reluctant teenaged boy tears. Gently Felicia removes the piece of banana bread from his hands and hands him a napkin. "Do you want to know what else I remember?" Ominous piano tinkles in the background. "How lovely...your original...name was." Zach looks up, and after a moment, says with a small voice, "Dana?" A knowing, encouraging look spreads across Felicia's face. And...commercial! Wow, was Zach/Dana (Zana?) one of those dual-organed babies whose sex is selected by its parents and then sealed surgically? Ooh.

At Camp Cognac, Bree sits at a picnic table wearing a prim sage suit. A girl with tattoos on her legs and arms walks by, and Bree once-overs her with a repulsed look on her face. Oh Bree, I roll my eyes at you! The counselor comes out to let Bree and Rex know that Andrew is ready to see them now, only he actually only wants to see Rex. Bam! Rex starts to battle with the counselor, telling him that they drove 200 miles, that this is unacceptable, that they're going to just go home, but Bree waves him off, insisting that she's okay. Rex gives in, and as he meets Andrew at the door, they hug. From a distance, Bree waves eagerly at Andrew, but he just shuts the door. Bree looks crushed. Maybe she should have worn lavender?

Lynette's kids are huddled around the toilet, laughing. Somehow one of their toothbrushes has found its way into the bowl. Lynette shoos them away, but...Preston? Parker? Prester? continues to hang out at the bowl, dangling another toothbrush above its watery depths. He looks very pleased with himself. Lynette threatens him with a "Don't. You. Dare!" The other two Ps run back over to the toilet, shouting at him to do it, do it. Lynette flounders with an "I mean it this time, these are not just words." Oh Lynette, if you have to say it, you...can't afford it. She resorts to a "So help me..." and then MAVO jumps in: "Hearing the hollowness of her own voice, Lynette realized it was time to get one step ahead." Lynette finishes her "mean it this time" with "I will walk you over to Mrs. Van De Kamp's, and we all know what happens when she gets mad." Oh, Lynette. That is so lame. Yelling at Bree for spanking your kids and then using those very same tactics to your own advantage? Spineless.

Bree sits at the picnic table with two worn-at-the-tooth women. In the background, a steady stream of kids carrying hilariously large burlap sacks goes by. The trashy moms are talking about why their kids are back at Camp. Apparently Trashy Mom One caught "Tug" (?) going through her purse again. Trashy Mom Two sympathizes how she hates it when they do that, and what was he looking for, anyway, weed or cash? Oh, who knows anymore! Trashy Mom One had already knocked a few drinks back, so pretty soon she and Tug (?) were screaming and throwing things around the apartment, and the neighbors called the cops. Trashy Mom One ends her story with a trashy, wet cough, the evidence of which she spits to the ground. Trashy Mom Two says, "If I knew then what I know now, I'da had that hysterectomy a long time ago," and takes a drag off her cigarette. All the while, Bree sits ramrod straight, silently judging them. And here she was, thinking she was a bad mother! Vindicated, she gets up and storms into the hut where Andrew and Rex and the counselor are rapping. "Um, Bree..." Rex tries to stop her, but Bree has something to SAY, some snorey-snore stuff like "all any parent can do is try to provide their child with the tools they need to succeed," blah blah, and then she ends with "I am a good mother." And because she really means it, she says it twice: "I am a good mother!" Then Rex explains that Andrew had just gotten through telling them that he thinks he might be gay, which was why he wanted Rex to come in first, sans Bree, because he thought Rex would roll with the news better than Bree. Bree is momentarily speechless, and then she says, "Well, he was right! I will be waiting in the car." Funny! But not exactly the supportive response of a good mother. Though I guess I've heard tell of much worse reactions coming from parents of "might be gay" kids. But still.

Gabby is at Gardener John's. She frenches him hard, then starts stripping off her clothes. And if I were wearing that weird salmon-hued tuxedo blouse, I would be in a hurry to get it off, too. Gardener John notices her wrist, which is already covered in a nasty red welt, and Gabby explains that Carlos just got a little rough. John immediately goes to put on his coat, all, "I'm going to take care of this" and "we can't let him get away with this." Sweet! But Gabby says, "Look, you really want to get back at him? Then kiss me." "How's that going to help?" John wonders. "Because, one day, when the time is right, I'm going to tell him how he drove me right into your arms, and that's going to kill him." Or maybe push him to kill you, Gabrielle?

Back at the pancake restaurant (PANCAKE RESTAURANT!), Susan talks to Morty while Mom waits out in the parking lot. Susan wants Morty to apologize to Mom. What for, Morty wonders. "For shoving her?" Susan says, in a tone that's the equivalent of spinning your finger beside your ear, like, hello, crazy? "I only shoved her because she wouldn't stop hitting me." Ha. Then he confesses that she was hitting him because he threw a book at her. But it was a paperback! And he missed! Meanwhile Mom hit him in the gut, which really hurt, and does Susan want to see the bruise? Susan does not want to see the bruise, but she totally understands (Susan totally does not understand). But couldn't he just go out and apologize? No, because he doesn't want her back. Susan totally sympathizes (Susan totally does not sympathize), but he HAS to take her back! Because otherwise, Susan will have to suffer! "I'd like to have a relationship again, and at my age, with the kid, I mean, if she moves into the house, even for just a couple of years, I'm doomed," she whines, "she will burn up all my oxygen, and I need it." The predicament is a real one, but Susan's complete lack of empathy for anyone else's point of view is beginning to make me really hate her. To get her way, Susan gets Morty talking about the good times, the times between the violence. Morty admits that they "do have chemistry" -- Susan gives an awesome cringe here -- "and the sex was like...wow. There was one time on the interstate --" Susan interrupts with a bossy, "You don't have to sell me! Just go talk to her. Now." As Morty goes outside to Mom, Susan gabs with the waitress (who, by the way, is hardly younger-looking than Mom), sighing, "I think it's nature's little joke, that children ultimately end up parenting their parents" (Susan should know, Julie is already the parent in their relationship). Inevitably, over Susan's shoulder, we see Mom and Morty start to yell at each other, and then suddenly she's swinging her purse at his head, and Susan has to run out and break things up. Man, how could they be so SELFISH?

Lynette is out in front of her house, playing with her kids. Across the street, Bree comes out to post some mail (based on this episode, you'd think there was nothing else to do on Wisteria Lane besides check the mail...and beat each other up). Bree is really classing it up with a teal cardigan and pearls. Lynette comes across the street to offer Bree an apology. Bree stops her mid-sentence. "The fact that you just crossed that street means the world to me, and if anyone should apologize, it's me." "Thank you," Lynette says with real affection. They decide to seal the apology by heading over to Lynette's to drink some coffee and complain about their kids.