Previously on Desperate Housewives: Susan said she would never believe anything Mike says ever again (never ever NEVER); Mama Solis came to stay and promised to investigate Carlos's suspicion that Gabrielle was cheating on him; Andrew didn't feel at all bad for hit-and-running over Mama because she's so very old and he's so very young (and gay) and, hello, he shouldn't have to waste all that virility on prison or community service or like an apology...JESUS!
The Mary Alice Voice Over: "In the coma ward in the Sacred Heart Hospital, people dream." Isn't that lovely, dreaming? "The custodian dreams of someday winning the lottery and quitting his thankless job." The custodian takes out an actual lottery ticket and kisses it on the lips and then walks away from his floor waxer, a half-waxed floor, and an ominous Caution Cone. I'm not exactly sure why he's leaving right in the middle of things like that; maybe he's retreating to a quiet corner so he can dirty talk to his lottery ticket in peace? "Howard the security guard envisions a luxurious retirement in the tropics." Howard kicks off his shoes and settles in for some hardcore on-the-job napping. "Ruth Ann the night nurse fantasizes about leaving her husband." Nurse Ruth Ann leaves her wedding ring spinning like a top on her desk as she grabs her cigarettes and abandons her post. The scene for some serious bodily harm is now set. "But the most vivid dreams of all belong to the patient in room 312." We see in flashback that Mama Solis has been dreaming about the moment she caught Gabby on top of the gardener (as well she should...that is one steamy, dream-worthy sweet-gardener/hot-lady combo), and she's been dreaming about the accident that put her in her coma (not quite as steamy). But, more than anything, Mama's been dreaming about the moment she finally gets to tell her son the truth about his cheating ex-supermodel wife.
"And then one night, Juanita Solis decided it was time to wake up." Mama's eyes pop open and she leaps out of bed, atrophied coma muscles be damned, and starts scooting around the abandoned hospital hallways in nothing but her gown and socks, wheeling her IV beside her. "Hello?" she croaks, "is anybody here?" At least her voice has the decency to be slightly hoarse after five months of nothing but dreaming. "I have to call my son!" Mama slaps her hands in frustration on Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann's abandoned desk. Mama wheels past the sleeping guard. Mama frantically presses the elevator button. Mama spies a pay phone across a vast expanse of half-waxed floor. Mama rips out her IV (she doesn't have time for IVs, are you kidding?) and races out onto the slippery, slippery floor, which launches her into a spectacular cartoon slapstick skid, which propels her through a door marked "Stairs," and then, yes, she bumps her way...down...a full...flight...of stairs. Startled by Mama's sudden arrival, Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann throws down her cigarette and races to Mama's crumpled side. "Tell my son," Mama gasps, "his wife is cheating on him." Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann ohmygods as Mama slips into the Permanent Dream. Cue the Six Feet Under theme song! But oops, guess who missed Mama's dying message because she was wearing headphones -- headphones blasting some horrible, horrible panty jams? (I swear, was that Al Jarreau? Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann was jamming to Al Jarreau as she puffed and fumed about leaving her husband?) But then how did Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann know to turn around when Mama hit the deck, if she couldn't hear her fall? Hm. Maybe she felt the vibration of the body hitting the metal stairway landing, you know, through her feet? In any case, cue Danny Elfman and the Desperate Housewives montage!
“ When Rex objects that Camp Hennessy is surrounded by an electrified fence, KimberBree points out that 'it's an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries.' I would think that 'Cuff Me' Rex would be able to see the fun in that? But no, stamp, stamp! ”
Back at the house, KimberBree -- wearing pearls, a fiery That Girl flip, and pink cashmere (with red trim along the collar...oh! I want!) -- is stomping around, Rex skittering along at her heels. It appears as though Smokey Andrew's gotten himself nice and expelled just two months shy of graduation. "What are we going to do?" Rex wonders exasperatedly. "I'm glad you asked," KimberBree says, and plucks a stack of teen-attitude-readjustment brochures from a drawer to the kitchen sink. Apparently she's been collecting them for months. (What, they were just sitting in there, with the ladles?) She had a feeling the family might be needing them. Rex balks at sending his son to a "prison camp," but KimberBree insists that some of the places sound almost "fun." When Rex objects that Camp Hennessy is surrounded by an electrified fence, KimberBree points out that "it's an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries." I would think that "Cuff Me" Rex would be able to see the fun in that? But no, stamp, stamp! KimberBree flips through the rest of the stack of teen-deprogramming camps: the ranch in Montana with daily anger-management classes, the desert retreat with the glorious recidivism rate. But Rex puts his foot down. "It's easy for you," KimberBree says bitterly. "You're not the one he hates." Rex promises to "sit Andrew down for a little one-on-one chat." "You talk to him all you want," KimberBree says KimberBreezily. "I'm going to check out the place with the electrified fence."
Lynette sits at a school table watching the twins do a little Boston Tea Partying in elaborate, "oneth by land, twoeth by sea" costumes (even though the audience is nothing but a few parents sitting around in a classroom). Lynette notices a mother sitting nearby with a young girl. The two of them are doing something...strange with their hands. Could the woman be...deaf? Intrigued by the incredible exoticism of deafness, Lynette approaches the woman and, with almost no preamble, invites her and her children over for a play date. The twins and the deaf woman's son run off to play together in a rambunctious yet perfectly within reason display of sound, and Lynette sighs and eye-rolls with exasperation (kids! making noise!) and, with a knowing nod to her new, deaf friend, she upgrades the playdate to a "just-adults" dinner. Since the new, deaf friend couldn't hear the kids' screeching, she probably has no idea why Lynette just upgraded the play date to adults only. Maybe she thinks Lynette and her husband are swingers? Interesting.
Carlos skips into his house and announces to Gabrielle that the DA caved, that he's got them by their short hairs, that they've offered a plea bargain. "Oh my god, honey, that means we get to keep the house!" Gabby thrills. Nooo. Keeping the house would require Carlos actually to take the plea, which would mean eight months in jail. Gabby thinks he deserves it, given his guilty-as-sin-ness, etc. Carlos doesn't agree, etc. Anyway, phone! It's the hospital. Carlos's Mama is dead! Gabrielle hugs and soothes her husband, but as we zoom in on her face, we see that she's all glee, which seems more than a little gross. Where is her compassion for her obviously shattered husband? I could see Gabrielle feeling relieved, maybe. But glee is a little...I don't know, sociopathic.