Come In, Stranger

If I wasn't so demoralized, this is the part of the recap where I'd talk about the election. It occurred to me today that I was recapping during the last election, too. I can't believe it. Thanks for not firing me, Wing Chun! Yet. ["Oh, never. And for what it's worth, those of us citizens of the world who couldn't vote in this election are pretty demoralized, too." -- Wing Chun]

Anyway, thanks to MAVO, this week we meet a Wisteria Lane resident by the melodious name of Alberta Frome. In the tradition of all Unmarried Ladies of a Certain Age, she has a cat. And when she travels, she has friends watch said cat. This time, however, said friends are not available for cat-sitting. And so Mrs. Frome is forced to turn to Susan. This kicks us into a Susan Is Klutzy Montage: first, she backs her car into a trash can; then she falls hilariously and completely into a wedding cake; finally, she's attacked by birds as she attempts to refill the bird feeder in a scene that reminds me of nothing so much as the scene in A Room With A View where Helena Bonham Carter looks out the window and sees Daniel Day-Lewis get attacked by bees, and he waves his arms around all effeminately and she realizes that she can't marry him and that she has to marry Julian Sands, because Julian Sands is willing to grab her and kiss her in a meadow and why hasn't that happened to me yet? ...Where was I? Ah, yes. Susan makes being attacked by flying beasts look much cuter. "As she waved goodbye, Mrs. Frome worried that Susan's streak of bad luck would continue," MAVO says, as Mrs. Frome waves goodbye to her cat and Susan makes the cat wave back. "For that matter, so did her cat."

Day to night transition. Susan and Julie tromp into the House of Frome, calling for Mr. Whiskers. When they get to the kitchen, they see that the place has been ransacked. Then they notice a screwdriver lying out on the counter. That's when they start calling frantically for Mr. Whiskers, because they are morons. Dudes, the intruder could totally still be in the house. Go home and call the police. Man. I can buy that kind of idiocy from Susan, because, although adorable, she doesn't appear to be that bright, but I expected better from Julie. Anyway, while they're looking for Mr. Whiskers, a man in work boots tiptoes out of a nearby room. It's totally Mike, by the way. The cat slips out the front door behind him. "Though she didn't know it at the time, Susan's luck had finally started to change," MAVO says, as Mike slips Mr. Whiskers back inside the house.

So, as you can imagine, Wisteria Lane totally freaks when everyone finds out about the intruder! So they have a Neighborhood Watch meeting to discuss their plan of action. This meeting is attended by a whole bunch of people, but not Mrs. Kravitz, which seems bizarre. I feel like Mrs. Kravitz wouldn't miss a Neighborhood Watch meeting even if she were vomiting blood. Anyway, the meeting is also attended by an Officer Thomas, who is played Steven Eckholdt, who has been on all kinds of shows, including Melrose Place. I can't quite remember who he was on Melrose Place, but I seem to recall that it was bad news for Jane. Of course, everything was bad news for stupid, stupid Jane. Officer Thomas gives the Wisteria Lane-eans all kinds of safety tips and talks about organized patrols and so on and so forth. As he does so, Susan waves cheerily at Mike, who is unresponsive. Maybe you irritated him by giving your date with him to Edie last week, Susan. Maybe he suspects you're not into him anymore. Maybe he thinks you have multiple personalities. Where is Edie, anyway? Are we not going to get any follow-up on Susan giving Edie her date with Mike last week? Hello? Anyone? Is this thing on?

So, after the meeting, Susan tells Officer Thomas that she has "some evidence" from the crime scene, and gives him the screwdriver in a plastic bag. He wonders why she didn't leave it for the cops in the first place, and she admits that they sort of laughed at her and told her it was unnecessary because nothing was stolen. "That was totally unprofessional," says Officer Thomas. Let's just call him Steven. "Thank you!" Susan chirps. She wonders if the screwdriver ought to be dusted for prints. Steven swears it will be done. In the background, Mike watches their interaction warily, but when Susan cheerfully says goodbye to Steven and walks away, Mike makes his face very impassive.

The girls help Lynette clean up after the meeting. As they clean, Pitchfork and Plantain beat each other with sofa pillows. Lynette, typically, can't control them. In other words: Lynette's life is proceeding as usual. She hollers at the kids to go to bed. They scream back that they're not tired. "Then at least go upstairs," she says. I don't know why she doesn't try my mother's old line: "that's too bad." Instead, she waves a bag of chips at the boys, getting their attention, and then throws it upstairs like they're dogs and the chips are a ball. Palaver and Pulsar run upstairs after the chips. Where are Lynette's other kids? I get that the baby is asleep -- like, all the time -- but where is the older boy? Maybe he's in the Mysterious Box of Mystery. KimberBree looks horrified at this Chips Up the Stairs ploy, but seemingly literally bites her tongue. Lynette gives her an irritated "well, la de da" face. Shut up, Lynette. Your kids are assholes.

In Lynette's kitchen, Gabrielle and Susan chat about Mike. Susan explains that she thought they were becoming an item. But now she's getting lots of mixed signals. Oh, like his asking you out multiple times and your making weird excuses and then giving your date away to the skanky lady down the street? Yes, he is giving you mixed messages. Girl, come on. Gabrielle notes that Steven wasn't giving Susan mixed signals. "You noticed that?" Susan asks. "Honey, when they're not staring at me, I notice," Gabrielle says. At least she's honest.

In the living room, Lynette thanks KimberBree for helping with the clean-up. KimberBree fishes some small plastic toys out of the sofa cushions and tells Lynette that she would have hosted the meeting herself, except her kids are going on some camping trip and the house looks like REI exploded. And KimberBree knows from things exploding. Lynette sort of mills around and finally blurts, "Speaking of nice things," she knows something else nice that KimberBree can do for her: Pincushion and Panache need a recommendation to Posh Academy of Contrivance, where Danielle and Andrew went to school. KimberBree is really hesitant to lie. "I'm really well respected at [Posh Academy], and my word won't be good there anymore," she says. Lynette points out that "by the time they realize their mistake, we'll be in. You aren't having any more kids, so what do you care?" Graciously and tactfully phrased, Lynette. KimberBree explains that she really wanted her children to go to Posh Academy. "But I suppose that doesn't matter to you, does it?" she asks. "It really doesn't," Lynette responds. Lynette? Shut up. Doesn't KimberBree have enough problems, with the crumbling marriage and the difficult kids, without you getting all up in her grill about your problems with your hyperactive kids?

Outside: drama from inside the Residence of Poor Dead Mary Alice! The ladies peer at the house curiously as Creepy Paul and Sad Zack fight loudly. "They never used to fight when Mary Alice was alive," Lynette says. "Such a shame. They used to be such a happy family," Susan says. KimberBree sadly and wisely points out that just because they weren't fighting, it doesn't mean they were actually happy.

Later, on Wisteria Lane: residents patrol the streets like Nazis. And Gabrielle gets a surprise visitor: her mother-in-law. "What are you doing here?" Gabrielle asks, when she runs into Mama Solis on her front walkway. "I'm visiting, what does it look like? It's a surprise." They hug, awkwardly. "Family should always hug," whispers Mama Solis. "Regardless of how they feel about each other."

Posh Academy. The Scavos. The Headmaster. The face-off! Gay Matt looks at all the Headmaster's sailing photos, and yips about his own boat, and there's some tiresome blah blah blah about boating enthusiasts, and finally the Headmaster gets down to business, calling Pastoral and Picturesque's educational background "more common" than he would prefer, but he says that KimberBree did mention to him that the boys are identical twins, and that certainly would enhance class diversity. "The boys are fascinating," chirps Lynette. "They even have their own twin secret language, don't they, [Gay Matt]?" Gay Matt pipes up that they do, and that it's "pretty scary." Lynette tightly adds that it's not scary so much as "highly developed." Gay Matt nods. "The bark and growl at each other," he begins, before Lynette shuts him down. On the strength of this, the Headmaster decides to put the twins on the school's Must Meet list, and asks Lynette to bring them in for observation. She agrees, but looks very worried. Since, you know, she knows her kids are assholes. "Great," Gay Matt says tightly. Doug Savant is so charming in this role. I really like him. I will be sad when we find out that he's having a relationship with a man who's actually still married. To a woman. Now that I think about it, when Gay Matt was having the affair with the Married Man on Melrose Place, the woman the Married Man was married to was played by the actress who also played Grace Bennett on Passions, and Grace Bennett -- in addition to having a wicked case of amnesia and a mysterious first husband that she forgot about because, she thought, of the amnesia, but actually because he wasn't really her first husband at all, but a man this other woman paid to pretend to be Grace's first husband because this other woman was in love with Grace's actual husband despite the fact that the actual husband showed the emotional range of a block of wood and was nicknamed by TWoP's forums "Tan I Am" because of his addiction to Mystic Tan -- was also Miguel's girlfriend's dead mother's twin sister. It's such a small world!

In her spotless kitchen, KimberBree makes sandwiches. Rex comes in, and they have some back and forth about how he's driving the kids to the bus and he misses them and so on and so forth. KimberBree tells him about the break-in and expresses concern that the intruder could have been a "sexual predator." Rex frowns: "And he ended up at Mrs. Frome's? That's a lose/lose situation." KimberBree gently chides him for this crass comment, and straightens his tie. She reiterates that she doesn't feel safe: "I was wondering if you could spend the night." Rex sniffs that she's in the NRA: "You own, like, four guns. If someone broke in, I'd expect you to protect me." Oh, Rex. If you don't shut it, she might just shoot you. KimberBree sighs, disappointed. She points out that this is the first time she'll be totally alone overnight in seventeen years, and that she might get lonely. Rex reminds her that the marriage counseling might not work out: "You need to get used to being alone." She looks pained. He snags a sandwich and she grabs it back: "That is for the kids' trip." Rex complains that he's living at a hotel and hasn't had a decent meal in ages. "Honey, the marriage counseling might not work out. You need to get used to bad cooking," smiles KimberBree, and walks off. Point to KimberBree.

Officer Steven pulls up to Casa Mayer, as Susan waters her lawn. "Hey, Screwdriver Girl," he calls. She strolls over, hose in hand -- and that's not a euphemism -- and he tells her that he took her Screwdriver of Evidence in for fingerprinting, and that he'll call her if he hears anything. He flirtatiously adds that he'd like to call her anyway. Susan stutters that she's not really available, because she "sorta" has a boyfriend: "It's hard to explain, even to myself." Susan? How is Mike your boyfriend? You've never even kissed him. And I think I'm delusional. Steven gets a call on his walkie-talkie and tells Susan he has to go: "Hostage situation." But he can't believe she's turning him down. And he's really disappointed. And that disappointment will probably lead to a bunch of hostages getting killed. The guilt could be thicker, but only if the hostages were also orphans. Susan giggles, and tells him that, fine, she'll go out with him. She can't let the hostages down: "Now tell me what the call really was." Steven grins. "Someone's TV was playing too loud." She smiles back. "Well, thank God for the Thin Blue Line," she laughs, as he takes off in the squad car. Yeah, I totally would have agreed to go out with him. I am a sucker for the charm. "I'll call you," he calls. And then Susan accidentally waters herself with the hose. Oh, Susan.

Gabrielle's. She races to the porch to do her yoga, but is waylaid by Carlos, who wants her to take some time to visit with his mother. Gabrielle brats that she can't stop her life just because someone has showed up for an unannounced visit. "She's family, she doesn't need an invitation," says Carlos, but Gabrielle doesn't care. She's going to do her downward facing dog on the porch just like always! Carlos stomps inside, where his mother is knitting Harry Potter a scarf. "So, mijo, I assume you didn't insist I travel two thousand miles for small talk," she says, as Gabrielle contorts her body in the background. He didn't. He admits that his marriage is circling the drain. He seems legitimately broken up by this. "I've given her everything she wants and nothing makes her happy," he says, and starts to cry. He thinks Gabrielle is having an affair. Aw, poor Carlos. So Mama Solis reacts the way any kind mother would to the tears of her child: she slaps him. "We can talk about your problems, but I'm not going to have any of that," she says. "Do you have any proof?" He just has "a feeling." Mama Solis sniffs that she had a feeling with Papa Solis "and that whore waitress," and she was right: "Always trust your feelings." Carlos wonders what he should do. "Don't do anything. I'll take care of it," she says. He thanks her, and she apologizes for hitting him. "But we're strong people and we don't cry about our problems. We find ways to fix them." At this, Carlos says nothing, but simply stares sadly at the limber Gabrielle out on the porch.

Meanwhile, Lynette is very busy tiring out Petulance and Pestilence: she makes them do jumping jacks and wind sprints and pull her on a sled. They dig a pool as she reads a magazine. Finally, when she gets them into Posh Academy for observation, they're so worn out that they're basically asleep over their jigsaw puzzles. "Look at that concentration. [Phosphorus] loves his puzzles," Lynette says to the Headmaster, who merely looks concerned that the twins appear to be existing in a semi-comatose state.

Gabrielle's. She gets a text message from Miguel, who wants to meet her at a hotel. She brightens at this, gathers her things, and tells Mama Solis that she'll be right back, and that she's heading to the store. But Mama Solis, no dummy she, is right on Gabrielle's tail. She's coming along. She wants to make some tamales for Carlos. Mmmm, I love tamales. Especially at Christmas. My mother gets these cinnamon and raisin ones downtown and they are unbelievable. Anyway, Gabrielle stutters that she's not going to the supermarket, but to the lingerie store. "Good, I need some bras," Mama Solis says, following her out to the car. Gabrielle stammers that she might be a while, because she also might get a facial. Mama Solis: "I have a face." Gabrielle, she is stuck. Mama Solis, she is clever.

Meanwhile, Susan has wandered over to Mike's to continue to destroy their nascent relationship. "Remember the cop from the Neighborhood Watch meeting?" she asks. "He agreed to run a fingerprint check on the screwdriver I found at Mrs. Frome's house." Mike is surprised by this. "Nothing was taken," he says. Susan perks that it was still a crime, and tells him that Officer Steven asked her out. On a date. "And I sorta said yes. I was just curious. What you thought. About that," she stammers. Okay. Has Susan ever dealt with men before? Even when they are jealous, they never say they're jealous. Susan, Susan. What are we going to do with you? Mike retorts that he doesn't really have an opinion. "Okay, great. Fine. Thank you," she snaps and starts to stomp off. Mike calls her back and apologizes: "My life is just really complicated right now." Women the world over roll their eyes. Susan tells him that he doesn't have to explain. "Complicated. I get it," she says, and completes the big stomp-off. Mike tosses a rag on the ground in frustration, as the camera pans past his tool set, where a screwdriver is missing. One: duh. Two: Mike is a bad Undercover Whatever He Is.

KimberBree comes over to get Creepy Paul for their Neighborhood Watch rounds. Creepy Paul isn't home, but Zack is, and he's scrubbing the varnish off the wood floors. Is he available for parties? Because my house could use a good cleaning, and this kid is a scream! KimberBree reflects that the house is "just immaculate." Zack agrees that his mother "liked things clean." KimberBree kindly says that Mary Alice would be proud. But he's scrubbing off the varnish. Which would not, I presume, make Mary Alice proud. Zack says that this was where his mother died. He just wants to get it clean. Out, out, damn spot, etc. KimberBree looks sad for him and turns to go, then turns back and invites the kid to dinner.

At the mall, Gabrielle shops idly for panties and eyes her watch. Mama Solis muses that if Gabrielle had children, she wouldn't shop so much: "You get so busy taking care of them that you don't have time to wonder if you're happy." Gabrielle snaps that this is so like Mama Solis: "I invite you on a nice shopping trip and you find ways to upset me." Mama Solis points out that she invited herself, adding, "You keep looking at your watch. Is there some place you have to be?" Gabrielle says no, and adds that, for the record, she "is not one of those women who has a hole in her heart that can only be filled by a baby." The women exchange a look. "I like my life a lot. IT'S VERY FULFILLING," Gabrielle adds, and stomps off. "Excuse my daughter-in-law. She's very fulfilled," Mama Solis says to a fellow shopper.

As Lynette refills the pool that she made Piccolo and Peccadillo dig -- and I feel like if you're making the kids dig a pool to tire them out, why don't you let them keep the pool and force them to swim laps? -- Susan watches and complains that Mike wasn't jealous about the Steve thing. Lynette wonders if Susan remembered to bat her eyes: "It doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes." Susan sighs that she batted everything "that wasn't nailed down." And got nothing. Susan, Susan, Susan. A guy like Mike isn't going to act all jealous because it makes him feel like he's showing weakness. Have you never read Women Who Love Too Much? Or Men Are From Whatever, Women Are From So And So? Go ahead and make him jealous, but don't actually expect him to tell you he's jealous! You have to wait for the jealousy to make him irritated enough to give in and sleep with you. Susan asks how she got the big hole in the ground. Lynette blames it on gophers. And she's sorry about Mike: "I know how much you like him." Susan shrugs that maybe she invented a whole relationship that didn't exist. Well, since you called him your boyfriend before you guys even kissed...I'd say that's possible. Lynette enables Susan by saying that she's seen them flirting. Susan says that she does this all the time: "That's how it is with me. A guy smiles at me three times, and I'm picking out wedding china. I'm a mess." Lynette mutters that it's part of Susan's charm. Susan stammers that she did the exact same thing with Karl, adding, "What does that mean, anyway? 'My life is complicated.'" In non-Wisteria Lane terminology, darling, it means he wants to sleep with you but not be your boyfriend.

In Wisteria Lane-ese, however, it means that Mike has to take time out of his busy schedule of shirtless gardening and skulking to visit shadowy older men at the park and talk mysteriously about how Mike left the screwdriver at the Frome house and how his prints are in the system and how he's got to run before the police find him. The Shadowy Older Man listens and then comments that the laughter of the children playing soccer nearby really pisses him off. He tells Mike to stay in character until his cover is actually, seriously, really blown. Mike thinks they're making a mistake: "These are nice people." SOM shrugs, "My money says one of them isn't." A little kid kicks his soccer ball over to them and races up to fetch it. SOM hands it to him kindly and chuckles. "No more screw-ups," SOM tells Mike after the kid has toddled off, and then SOM leaves.

Casa Solis. Mama Solis has gotten sucked into her telenovela -- as well she should -- and Gabrielle sneaks out to the shed (insert obligatory "don't forget The Shed" Passions comment here) -- to see Miguel. Oy. Do you want to get caught, girl? Miguel is all crabby and petulant about her not meeting him at the motel: "I had to use a month's worth of lunch money to pay for that room!" Gabrielle whines that it's not her fault. But Mama Solis won't notice she's gone now that she's sucked in to her soap. Miguel plays it coy, and won't give her the time of day. Gabrielle stamps her foot and brats that she said she was sorry. Miguel brats in return that he's turned down the entire pep squad for Gabrielle, and she retorts that maybe he should be with a girl his own age. He's really very cranky about the entire thing. Eventually, Gabrielle wheedles him into a kiss. Just as they go in for the lip lock, Mama Solis screams for Gabrielle. Miguel, so easily swayed from "petulant" to "horny," hisses that he wants Gabrielle "so bad." When can he see her again? They agree to meet in front of the mall after school. She promises she'll find a way to deal with Mama Solis. Good God, you two. Can you put your hormones on hold for, like, one single second?

Meanwhile, Officer Steven is changing his shirt...by the road...in Cracktown. Okay. I don't know why he didn't pick Susan up after his shift, but...oh, wait, yes I do. It's so that Susan can see The Screwdriver of Evidence in the back of his car, get all bent out of shape about what a liar Officer Steven is, and storm off. What a drama queen. Which is exactly what he calls her. I like Susan, but she isn't very good at dealing with people. She doesn't deal well with the boys in her life. She doesn't deal well with her rivals. She doesn't deal well with her blackmailing neighbors. Steven calls after her that she probably shouldn't be storming away in the middle of Cracktown. But she tells him that she'd rather take her chances on the street than deal with him anymore. Say it with me: "Oh, Susan."

Over on Wisteria Lane, Zack takes a hatchet and breaks into KimberBree's empty house. Right.

Susan walks through Cracktown, also known as "the back lot," and sweetly informs a local prostitute that she's a leeetle bit lost. "You best be lost, this here's my corner," the whore retorts. Susan explains that, oh no, heavens, she's not a working girl, but if the whore could tell her where a pay phone is...and also, if she could loan her change for a five...in quarters? That would be great. The whore rolls her eyes: "Honey, if I got paid in quarters I'd be doing something very wrong." But this whore, like most whores on television, has a heart of gold. She loans Susan her bejeweled cell phone. "I have weekend minutes," she explains. Susan thanks her, as a john drives up. "Excuse me, honey," the whore says. "Do what you gotta do!" Susan thrills. Oh, Susan. You are so dumb. But you are quite charming. Susan calls Julie, who promises to send help. Susan's waiting on the phone when a man drives up. "Hey baby," he yells at her. "Thank you, no. I'm on a break," she calls back politely. "Hurry please," she hisses to her kid.

Rex and KimberBree get home to see the police swarming their property. There's been a break-in! "I gotta tell you, ma'am, I thought I'd seen a lot on the job, but this is something else," says one of the cops, letting Rex and KimberBree into their house. Zack has kitted the place up for the holidays, including stockings for Paul, Mary Alice, and Zack. There's a bad shot when they run into their living room -- you can see the top of the set walls. Bad form, kids. Rex is perplexed by this whole holiday thing, but KimberBree is just sad.

After the ads, we learn that Zack chopped down one of the Van de Kamps' pine trees for the Christmas tree. "Why?" KimberBree asks Zack, who sadly says that he doesn't know. She tells the police to take the cuffs off the kid. They point out that Zack has confessed. "This is not up for discussion," snaps KimberBree. Paul walks in at this moment, and looks pissed. There's so very much staring. Zack hesitantly reaches out and takes KimberBree's hand.

So, Susan is working her corner when Mike drives up. "You okay?" he asks. "Yeah," she admits. "Then how much for a trip around the world?" he grins. Susan rolls her eyes. "I can't believe Julie sent you," she says, as she climbs into the car. "She is soon going to be dead." She tosses the Screwdriver of Evidence onto Mike's dashboard and explains that it never got sent in for prints. "I don't want to talk about it," she pouts. Mike just looks relieved.