Previously: Flames! Blackmail! Illicit sex! Bratty kids!
When Mary Alice was alive, MAVO tells us, she "maintained many different identities: teacher, mother, secret lover." Or, you know, something like that. Labels, MAVO explains, are "important to the living." They inform the way you see yourself. And also allow you to know what kind of soup lives inside each can in your pantry. Over corny, visually pun-y footage of Lynette attempting to clean her festering home, MAVO explains that Lynette used to see herself as a "powerful career woman." Now, she is just a big old mess with a ton of children she can't control. Lynette is scrubbing potatoes in her hideous choker and a flannel shirt -- because it is apparently 1995 in Lynette's home -- when the phone rings. She answers, listens, and sighs deeply.
Cut to the local elementary school. Messy-haired Lynette and the Choker of Doom hustle up to a classroom. Outside, on a bench, sit the Scavo twins. They wave blue paint-covered hands at their mother. Lynette gives them dirty looks, and heads inside...
...where she meets with their extremely cheerful and bemused teacher. Lynette wonders how "it" happened. Teach snorts that she left the door to the art-supply closet open for five minutes: "That's all." Lynette takes an exhausted seat. "The little girl? Why didn't she say anything?" asks Lynette. "Your boys work quickly," Teach almost chuckles. Lynette assures Teach that the hellions will be punished, and severely. Teach nods, and then says that she doesn't want to bring this up, since Lynette got so pissy about it last time, but she really thinks the twins could use a strong Ritalin smoothie with their Pop Tarts in the morning. Lynette huffs, patronizingly, that she is not going to drug her children just to make Teach's life easier, and that she'd "rather change teachers." At this, Teach kindly points out the boys are in her class precisely because she's the only teacher who can handle them. Lynette wonders if they could maybe separate them? Teach is willing to try it. "But if it doesn't work, we may no longer be able to accommodate them," she adds, cheerfully. MAVO: "Lynette was fucked." Well, you know, that's more or less what she said. As Lynette hustles Python and Pole Vaulter (or whatever the twins' names are) out to the car, MAVO explains, "For the few years, [Lynette would] be known as the mother of the boys who painted Tiffany Axelrod blue." And there's blue little Tiffany Axelrod, right on cue, looking like nothing so much as a wee little Smurf. Mama Axelrod gives Lynette a look that's equal parts pity and irritation. Poooooor Lynette.
Back on Wisteria Lane, it's Coffee Klatch time. The ladies listen to the audio tape of Mary Alice's psychotherapy sessions with Dr. Goldfine that KimberBree stole last week. On the tape, Mary Alice says that she had "the nightmare again." She continues, "This time I was standing in a river and I saw the girl under the water. And she kept screaming 'Angela' over and over." Dr. G. wonders what Mary Alice thinks that name represents, and Mary Alice explains that "Angela" is her real name. At this, everyone looks over at KimberBree, who nods. Her hair looks amazing. Gabrielle says that this makes no sense: she's seen Mary Alice's driver's license, and it didn't say "Angela" on it. KimberBree shrugs, and tells them that the rest of the tape is about Mary Alice's nightmare and the girl she was afraid of. Everyone stares at the tape. "So what the hell do we do now?" Gabrielle asks.
At this very moment, Creepy Paul comes out of his house and starts to water his lawn. Now, I get that these women are all "housewives," and thus not at the office during the day -- well, Susan works at home, but whatever -- but presumably Paul has a job. Does no one on Wisteria Lane ever go to work? Anyway, they all stare at him. He waves. They wave back. Susan turns back to the girls and says that she thinks it's time they show him The Note. "Are you sure? He's going to freak," says Lynette. KimberBree pipes up that it's now or never: she found out what Creepy Paul is asking for the house, and it's going to go quickly. "Can I say something? I'm glad he's moving," Gabrielle says. She thinks he's creepy. That's why we call him Creepy Paul, Gabrielle. KimberBree makes some shocked noises, and Gabrielle wonders if none of them have noticed. "He's got this dark thing going on," she says. "Something about him feels..." she trails off. "Malignant?" Lynette offers. "Yes," Gabrielle says. "We lost our gefilte," Susan says, thoughtfully. Well, that is sad. I mean, everyone likes fish. But that seems like a bit of a non sequiter. Oh, wait. Sorry. In review, she said, "We've all felt it." Everyone stares at Creepy Paul thoughtfully and sort of nods. "That being said, I do love what he's done with that lawn," KimberBree adds. The music editor throws in a Sassy Stepford Music Sting. And...scene!
Later, Susan washes her dishes and stares at Mike as he gardens in the front yard, all shirtless and sweaty. I can see, objectively, that James Denton is an attractive man. He is handsome. All his features are in the right spots. And he's got a very nice body. And yet, he does nothing for me. Nothing. I'm sorry, Denton Fans. I tried. But he's just not my type. I'll keep you informed as to any change in my loins as far as this goes, however. Anyway, Susan washes and washes one plate over and over again. Julie strolls up and tells her that the dish is probably clean. She wonders why Susan doesn't just go out there and ask Mike out on an "official date date," which is what you go on when you like like someone. Susan announces that she's playing hard to get. "How long do you think you can keep that up?" Julie cracks. "Maybe until noon. Then I can run over there and beg him to love me," Susan says. Oh, Susan. Didn't you learn anything last week, when you called him three times in one day? Of course, he still went out with you. On the other hand, that was after he saw you totally naked, lying in your shrubbery. Hmm. This entire show is throwing my entire understanding of the male/female dynamic into question. Let me see if I can sketch out the order of things: Susan almost killed Mike's dog, and then called him three times in one day to ask him to dinner. But he did see her naked, and seemed to enjoy dinner with her, probably because she didn't tell any of the other guests anything about what happens when he ejaculates. So nudity plus discretion will trump any embarrassing moments in which you act too eager. Okay. So the time I make a fool out of myself over a boy, I can undo the damage by flashing him and then promising not to tell anyone. I'm going to write that down. Anyway, Julie tells her mother that she had better not wait until noon, and gestures toward the street: Edie, in short shorts and a white top tied above her navel, is washing her car. All gyrating butt and wet breasts. You know. Like your typical car-washing porno. "You have got to be kidding me! She washed her car yesterday!" Susan yelps.
Edie has moved on from ass-wiggling and boob dampening, and onto daubing herself with a sponge. "Oh no she's not, " Susan breathes. Hasn't either of these women heard of Match.com? What about a yenta? I know Mike is cute, but jeez. Is he the only man either of them has ever seen? Trust me, I have moments of romantic desperation, but it's never been that bad. Well, other than that one time. But I am legally prohibited from talking about that. Mike is transfixed by Edie's wriggling. Susan announces that Edie is really "bringing out the big guns." Oh, is that what they're calling them, now? "You better get out there. She's wearing cotton," Julie advises. Susan wonders what possible excuse she has for going out there, and Julie rummages through their junk drawer and comes up with an envelope. It's a piece of Mike's junk mail. "I hung on to it in case of an emergency," she says. Susan kisses Julie gratefully and books outside.
On the way over to Mike, Susan throws Edie the evil eye. Mike greets her cheerfully as she hands over his mail. "Hope it's not important," she says. He tells her it's just a promotion for Contrived Mike Date of the Week. There's a lot of awkward shuffling and stammering from Susan, until Mike finally sacks up and asks her out. Then Susan's body language goes from awkward and weird to all flirty and excited, and Edie, who's been watching them very closely, throws in the sponge. Literally.
Edie stomps into Mrs. Kravitz's house. "I hate Susan Mayer," she announces. I love the hideous wardrobe they're putting Mrs. Kravitz in. Everything is straight from, like, Chico's 1984. I think her earrings are actually wooden pieces of fruit. "Every time I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to God, I just want to go out and shoot a deer," Edie says as she gets a Corona from the fridge and tosses the cap in the sink. I find it hard to believe that Mrs. Kravitz keeps beer in the house. I feel like she drinks wine from a jug. ["Or a box." -- Wing Chun] "What has she done this time?" Mrs. Kravitz salivates. Edie tells her, and Mrs. Kravitz looks stunned. "Susan likes Mike?" she gasps. Edie is all, duh: "She's been lusting after him ever since he moved in." Mrs. Kravitz looks thoughtfully out the window.
Later (I think. The timeline on his show is so F'ed up), Lynette races to the school. Teach is waiting for her calmly, eating sunflower seeds. "The boys refuse to be separated," she says cheerfully. Lynette huffs that they have no choice: "They're six years old. Make them." Lady, you can barely get them to wear a seatbelt. You had to leave them by the side of the road to force them to behave and then almost had Child Services called on your ass. Who are you to talk? Teach pops a seed and grins that she's not allowed to wrestle with the kids. But Lynette is welcome to try. "Fine. Which one goes and which one stays?" Lynette asks. Teach chuckles that Lynette can pick.
Teach stands by her classroom door as listens as Lynette goes inside. She smiles as screaming and yelling wafts out the door. She peeks inside and sees Lynette trying to drag Pistol by his feet as he holds onto a table and screams. Parlor hangs onto the other end of the table and yells. Teach grins and pops a sunflower seed.
Gabrielle's. She and Miguel are luxuriating in the tub when the doorbell rings. He freaks out. "It's Mr. Solis!" he yells as he leaps out of the tub with a huge splash. He's clearly traumatized from that time he had to roll through the rose bushes without any pants on. Gabrielle calmly points out that Carlos is unlikely to ring his own doorbell. She robes up and looks out the window. It's the cable guy. "He's three hours late," she brats. Meanwhile, Miguel frantically gets dressed and bails...forgetting an athletic sock under the bed.
House of the Crying Ejaculators. Children of the KimberBree come home, talking about their parents' marital issues. "They had a fight, a bad one," the girl says. "Like, Divorce Court bad." In the room, KimberBree hums as she sets the table. The kids exchange a traumatized looks and agree that she's "overcompensating." They wonder what they'll do if Rex leaves them alone with her. On cue, KimberBree sails into the kitchen and announces that dinner is served. Andrew, for that is the boy's name, wonders where Rex is. KimberBree smoothly lies about a medical convention. "Take your seats," she sings. There's, like, an entire stuffed pig on the table. Not really, but I feel that moment is imminent, don't you? "This marriage is so over," the Nameless Girl says. Andrew makes a Rexean face and stomps out the back door.
Gabrielle is cleaning up the bathroom and keeping an eye on the Cable Guy, who apologizes for how late he was, claiming to have been overbooked. "How long are you going to be?" she asks. He swears he's almost done, and sniffs one of the huge candles she has arranged around the Tub of Love. "Is that sage and citrus? It's amazing," he tells her. Gabrielle just tightly suggests that he hurry, because she has stuff to do. Cable Guy agrees, and starts pulling wires out of the walls. He tugs on one of them too hard, loses his balance, and slips in a puddle of water, falling right on his ass with a yelp.
thing you know, Gabrielle is watching as the EMTs strap Cable Guy onto a backboard. Carlos comes home in the middle of the melee and wonders why the Cable Guy was there so late in evening. "He was running late," Gabrielle explains sadly. "He may have a concussion." The medics wheel Cable Guy out of the bathroom as Carlos looks verrrrrry skeptical and subtlely looks around the bathroom for signs of nookie.
Susan's. Mrs. Kravitz -- or, as I privately refer to her, Krav -- brings over a pie. Susan wonders why. "Do I need a motive to do something nice?" Mrs. Kravitz wonders cheerily. Susan shrugs, and waves her inside. I am actually making a pie this weekend!
"I can't wait for you to try this. It's mincemeat," Mrs. Kravitz says, as she slices the pie. She giggles. "I was just thinking of that expression, 'I'll make mincemeat out of you,'" she says. "Mincemeat used to be an entrée made of mostly chopped meat, so it was like saying, 'I'll chop you up into little bits,'" she explains. Susan looks askance. The History of Food lesson continues: today mincemeat is meat-free. And yet, people still use the expression. "I don't know that people really say that any more," Susan offers. "I do," Mrs. Kravitz sings, as she tosses away a paper towel without looking at the basket. That was an hilarious little moment. Mrs. Kravitz then announces that she has a confession. She wishes she had been more supportive when Karl left. Susan brushes this off, and swears that she's moved on. "To that nice Mike Delfino!" Mrs. Kravitz twitters. "He's quite a catch, isn't he? You like him, don't you?" Susan stutters that she just likes him as a friend. Mrs. Kravitz shakes her head. "Oh, Susan. Being coy is a strategy best employed by virgins at their first dance. For women of our age, it's just annoying. Are you sure you don't want pie?" Susan, stunned at being compared to a virgin, does not. Who turns down pie? Virgins and whores alike love pie! Mrs. Kravitz really hopes Susan can work it out with Mike. "You've been so desperate to land him." Susan denies this. Poorly. "Good lord, Susan. You burned your rival's house down. If that isn't desperate, I don't know what is," Kravitz chortles. The woman has a point. Susan hesitantly calls this "crazy." At this, Mrs. Kravitz pulls Susan's burned-up old measuring cup from her purse and gleefully announces that she found it in the ruins of Edie's house. Susan plays dumb, but Mrs. Kravitz plows ever forward, saying that she knows she wasn't there for Susan when Karl left her, but that she's here for Susan now, and this is just their little secret, and no one need ever know. "Oh, Susan," she breathes. "You don't know how good it feels to finally be able to help you." There is a beat as the ladies stare at each other. "You look so pale," Mrs. Kravitz sings, and actually force feeds Susan a bite of pie. "Did I mention it's mincemeat?" she asks. Susan gulps.
KimberBree's. She knocks on Andrew's door, but he won't let her in. "Where were you last night?" she asks. He claims to be at the home of some kid named "Brian." KimberBree narrows her eyes. She called Brian's mother. "Don't lie to me," she says. Good advice. She has ways of making people talk. Those ways generally involve roofies, car accidents, and, as a last resort, bombs. Andrew snaps that she lied to him about Rex. Andrew called his father and he knows that Rex moved out. KimberBree's face softens a bit, and she explains that she thought this bad news would upset the kids. She was protecting him. Andrew reiterates that she lied, so she should stop pretending that she has "some kind of moral authority." KimberBree snaps that she doesn't have to share her marital difficulties with him. And that nothing gives him the right to be rude. "You drove my father away. Does that give me the right to be rude?" Andrew asks, right before he slams the door in her face. Man, that kid is playing with fire.
Across the way, Carlos gets ready for work. He finds The Sock under the bed. Gabrielle sees him staring at it and grabs a handful of laundry. She races downstairs with it and tosses it into a hamper. She meets Carlos coming down the stairs. He waves the sock in her face. "What is this?" Gabrielle obviouses that it's a sock. He demands to know whose sock it is. "For God's sake, Carlos. It's Yao Lin's," she says. "Our maid wears size 13 gym socks?" he asks. Gabrielle explains that Yao Lin uses them to dust, and drags him over to see the rest of the laundry: "See? Socks instead of rags." And Carlos seems to buy it. Gabrielle sighs with relief. Oh, what a tangled web we blah blah blah.
Supermarket. Susan is in the checkout line. Mrs. Kravitz comes up behind her, and begins unloading package after package of meat. She chirps a cheery hello: "Did you and Mike come together? I saw him over in the fresh produce aisle." As opposed to the popular rotting produce aisle. Susan -- desperate to prove to Mrs. Kravitz that she doesn't like Mike and couldn't possibly have burned down anyone's house for him -- denies this and reiterates that they are just friends. Also, she "did not do that thing [Mrs Kravitz] accused [her] of." Mike saunters up, of course, greets them, and asks Susan out, again, and she stammers and stutters and turns him down. Mike looks gobsmacked. Mrs. Kravitz looks amused. Susan, you ignorant slut. Mike wanders off, confused and disappointed. Mrs. Kravitz reflects that it's really so silly of Susan to pretend not to like Mike. "Drop it," Susan says. "Don't be so rude," Mrs. Kravitz says. "Your secret is not an easy burden to bear. That insurance company is putting Edie though hell and still I've said nothing. The longer it takes for her to get payment, the longer she stays with me, eating me out of house and home. Using up my hot water." Susan sighs and asks what Mrs. Kravitz wants. Well, she wants Susan to buy her groceries. And Susan does. Poooooor stupid, sweet Susan.
Coffee Klatch. KimberBree asks why Lynette is resisting medicating the boys if both the school and the doctor recommend it. Lynette explains that if she could run a company of eighty-five people, she ought to be able to "wrangle three small boys without doping them." KimberBree kindly says that Lynette is a great mother, but that her kids are "a challenge." Lynette chuckles and thanks her for putting it so nicely. She adds that when the kids are good, they're great, and that she's scared that drugging them will dampen their good sides as much as their bad ones. KimberBree politely agrees that it is a tough call. Lynette then compares her kids to the deformed homemade mug she's drinking from: if she drugs the kids, will they stop making her ugly, leaky, but sweet mugs? They're wondering this when Susan scampers in and announces that Creepy Paul is on his way.
So, they tell Creepy Paul about The Note. He looks at it, and gets all choked up. "Paul, are you going to be okay?" Susan asks. Susan, his wife shot herself. The answer is no. "No," Creepy Paul sobs, and races out of the room.
House of Solis. Yao Lin is dusting the stair rail with a sock. Gabrielle is doing yoga in the background. Carlos swings into the frame and asks Yao Lin if she's always used socks to dust. She claims that she has. Gabrielle watches nervously. "What is that, a Japanese thing?" Carlos asks. Yao Lin informs him shirtily that she's Chinese. He makes a face at this and walks out the door. Gabrielle gives Yao Lin a knowing look as she heads for the stairs. "I don't like lying," Yao Lin announces primly. "Yeah, well, I don't like your ironing, so there," Gabrielle chirps. I seriously can't get over how good Eva Longoria is on this show. Her line deliveries are uniformly great.
Miguel plays soccer...somewhere. Enter Gabrielle, wearing a wide-brimmed hat and sunglasses. She waves him over. Man, he is broad chested. I'm just pointing that out, is all. She tells him The Tale of the Sock. His reaction: "Oh, crap." She hands over a pair of Birkenstocks and insists that he should never ever wear socks to the house ever ever again. Miguel is concerned that if he mows the lawn in sandals, he'll lose a toe. "Imagine what you'll lose when Carlos finds out you're trimming more than the hedges," she says. What does that even mean? Is he waxing her in addition to nailing her? Anyway, Miguel agrees that he would like to keep his penis attached to his body. Gabrielle notices Miguel's friends checking her out and wonders if they know about his Mrs. Robinson fixation. Miguel explains that, actually, they're staring at her because she is so hot. "Oh. Okay," Gabrielle giggles, and waves at them.
Casa KimberBree. The Erstwhile Nutsy Doctor asks Girl Child Van de Kamp where her brother is. There's a lot of back and forthing and KimberBree eventually forces Girl Child to call Andrew and find out where he is. "Act normal," she says. Girl Child tries, but Andrew sees through her ruse. KimberBree grabs the phone from her daughter and demands to know where Andrew is. She insists that he come home. I insist that I get myself some of the formal dishwashing gloves KimberBree is sporting. "Where are you? Are you at a BAR? Andrew! Andrew?" KimberBree can not believe that her son hung up on her. "What are you going to do?" Girl Child asks. And we see Dr Kimberly Shaw rise from beneath the surface of KimberBree and break through to the top as she rips off her gloves and races up to Andrew's room. She finds the door locked, so she kicks it in (yes, she kicked the door in, and yes, it rocked) and tears through his shit until she finds a matchbox from a place called "Topsy Turvy." KimberBree rules.
Cut to the Topsy Turvy, which is, as one would imagine, a strip club. Andrew sits between two other underage boys, watching girls take off their clothing, as I understand is de rigueur in such places. One of the ladies takes off her top and tosses it right to KimberBree, who catches it neatly. One of the boys turns to see who has such good hands and almost spits out his beer. "Keith. Ian. Andrew," KimberBree sings. Andrew demands to know how she found him, and she tosses the matchbook at him. "You went in my room?" he stutters. That's your biggest concern right now? Numb nuts. You do take after your father. "You think that's bad? Tomorrow morning, I'm cleaning it," KimberBree tells him. "Oh, by the way, Keith, I didn't get a chance to tell you. That was a lovely solo last week at church." Keith stutters out a thank-you and he and Ian run, run away. Like the building is on fire. "I hope it wasn't something I said," KimberBree reflects, and asks Andrew to get ready to go. He refuses. Andrew is a moron.
"Fine," KimberBree says, and sits primly to him. "I'm staying for the show," she tells him enthusiastically. "I'm dying to see what all the fuss is about." She then turns to a passing waitress and orders a glass of the house chardonnay. Hee. She eyes the dancer in front of them, and wonders if Andrew, when fantasizing about said woman, ever wonders how she came to become a stripper: "That's someone's little girl. And that someone probably had a lot of dreams for her. Dreams that did not include a thong and a pole." Andrew insists that he isn't budging. KimberBree wonders if the stripper has had to deal with things like, say, abject poverty, drugs, or domestic violence: "Maybe even molestation. And now she treats herself like other men treat her. Like an object. A piece of meat." At this, the dude sitting to them asks Andrew to please, for the love of God, get KimberBree out of there: "She's killing it for the rest of us." And so Andrew folds like a cheap suit, and they go. KimberBree looks very proud. As she should.
Susan's phone rings. She comes out of bathroom in a towel and listens to Mrs. Kravitz on the machine. Mrs. Kravitz's water heater burst and it's going to take six hundred dollars to fix it, she explains very...expectantly. Susan looks horrified and races to Julie's room. "We need to talk," she tells the kid. "I think I'm being blackmailed."
Down in the kitchen, Susan comes clean to Julie about the fire. "Why do I even let you out of the house?" Julie wonders. Julie, we're all wondering that very same thing. Susan suggests that she just go to police. It was an accident, so she doesn't think she'll get thrown in jail. Julie wisely points out that even if she doesn't, Karl will totally use something like ARSON to reopen custody hearings, and Julie really, really doesn't want to live with him. Susan's face softens and she hugs her child. They make similar scheming faces.
Gabrielle's. Carlos confronts Miguel on the lawn, and asks him a series of questions about the Cable Guy. Miguel's answers inadvertently make it look like Miguel is covering up for Gabrielle's affair with the Cable Guy rather than Miguel's own affair with Gabrielle. Miguel, you are a bad liar. But a lucky one. Of course, you were a total idiot on Passions, too. But remember that time the walls in your girlfriend's house started bleeding? That was cool. On the other hand, that probably should have tipped you off that something was wrong in the house. Maybe if you'd figured that out, you wouldn't have gotten trapped when that house got sucked into the depths of hell. On the other hand, that was really pretty entertaining, so it's probably for the best.
Meanwhile, back at Susan's, she and Julie have concocted a plan to steal back the measuring cup from Mrs. Kravitz. Said plan involves both a Frisbee and Mrs. Kravitz's doggie door. That's all you really need to know.
As soon as Mrs. Kravitz leaves, the girls move into action, playing Frisbee across the street until it sails into her backyard. Julie then scampers into the yard, as Susan stands guard awkwardly. And it's all going so well until Mike shows up. And then Edie shows up. And then Edie wants to go in the house. And Julie is still in the house, stealing the measuring cup back. And so Susan -- because although she is sweet, she is not so clever -- stalls for time to get Julie back out of the house, and decides to do so by GIVING A WHOLE NEW MOVIE-RELATED DATE WITH MIKE TO EDIE. Susan. What are we going to do with you? Everyone looks disappointed and cranky except Edie. And Julie, who doesn't know anything about this debacle and only knows that she managed to snag the cup back.
House of Cable Guy. He's all trussed up in slings and bandages. There's a knock at the door. It's Carlos, who promptly beats the crap out of him. While Cable Guy lolls, moaning, on the ground, Carlos looks around the room. It's full of Homosexual Paraphernalia: a poster of Gypsy, lots of black and white photos of bare-chested men, a framed photo of Cable Guy with his arms around another man, bottled water. "Are you gay?" Carlos asks. "Is that why you're doing this?" Cable Guy moans. Carlos thinks. He is unable to admit that he is wrong, so he says, "Um. Yeah." And puts down the photos and leave. Tee hee. Is it wrong that I laughed at that?
Gabrielle and Lynette are coming out of Lynette's house, when Creepy Paul comes over. He wants to apologize for "the outburst." The ladies assure him that they understand. He then spins this crazy-ass story about how poor Mary Alice was "troubled," and used to leave terrible, mean hurtful notes all over the house. Notes for herself. Post-It notes of hate, if you will. Like I am so sure she wrote herself a mean note, then addressed an envelope, put a stamp on it, went to the post office, mailed it to herself, came back, waited to get it in the mail, opened it, read it, and killed herself. Lynette and Gabrielle listen kindly to this retarded explanation. They are so sorry for his pain! Had no idea! What a shock! Oh, poor Paul! He says that he hopes they can keep this Tragic Secret to themselves. You know, for Zack. They agree, and he walks off. The girls exchange a look. "Wow," Gabrielle says. "Yeah," Lynette says. "I think he's lying," says Gabrielle. "So do I," Lynette responds.
Back in her house, Lynette is not thinking about Creepy Paul and his Enormous Lie. Instead, she looks at her press clippings as Parabola, Posterboard, and Paste scream and yelp in the background. She is clearly wondering when she ought to start drugging them to the gills. Lynette takes the twins into the kitchen and gives them this whole spiel about how they're taking these new vitamins and they'll take them every day and blah blah blah. She then drops the pills all over the place, and when she's gotten them all picked up, the boys are hiding under the table giggling at her. They won't open their mouths. Instead of pinching their noses until they open their mouths like a normal person, Lynette takes this moment to decide that, instead of giving her kids Ritalin, she's going to become an alcoholic. Good plan, lady.
KimberBree walks into Andrew's room and asks him if he's ever going to speak to her again. No, he's not, he says. She sits on the bed and tells him that she owes him an apology. "Careful, wouldn't want you to strain yourself," he snarks. KimberBree admits that she shouldn't have lied about Rex. She knows her children can handle the truth, and she's sorry. Although, she says, she's not sorry about dragging his underage ass out of the strip club. "I consider it one of my finest moments," she smiles. She then tells him that she knows he blames her for the Rex Leaving thing, but that the failure of their marriage is not entirely her fault and he needs to get that. "I do. I just don't want him to leave," Andrew says sadly. KimberBree looks at him kindly, and takes his hand. "Neither do I," she says. "Mom?" he asks. "Yes?" KimberBree responds kindly. "When can I have my door back?" KimberBree smiles, picks up his laundry and sails out of the doorway. "Three months," she says. Nicely done scene by both actors.
Casa Solis. Gabrielle and Carlos are in the tub, watching the news. The lead story? A gay-rights activist was beaten in his home. The gay-rights activist? Cable Guy. The man in the police sketch? Carlos. Carlos and Gabrielle both look dumbfounded. "Do you have anything you want to ask me?" Carlos asks Gabrielle carefully, after a moment. "No," she chirps, just as carefully. I can't wait until Carlos goes to prison!
Susan's. She's working on her porch in a poncho, as one does. Mrs. Kravitz comes trudging up, gripping her purse. "You took it, didn't you?" she asks, and then launches into this whole thing about how she blames herself for not hiding the cup better. "If you're capable of arson, you're capable of breaking and entering," she says. Well, Susan has proven that hypothesis to be correct. But she plays dumb. She has no idea what Mrs. Kravitz is talking about! "But yeah, I did," she smiles. Mrs. Kravitz yelps that Susan could have trusted her. "Let's not be unpleasant," she adds, and asks if they can be friends again. Susan says she doesn't think that's a good idea: "From now on, when I run into you on the street, and I say, 'Good morning, [Mrs. Kravitz],' or, 'How are you, [Mrs. Kravitz],' just know that inside I am quietly but decidedly hating your guts," she announces. Mrs. Kravitz tightens her lips and tells Susan not to say things she's going to regret. "Good evening, [Mrs. Kravitz]," Susan sings. Oh, game on. I think Susan is going to need KimberBree's help, though, because she doesn't have the killer instinct she's really going to need to take out La Kravitz. Not to mention the car-bombing experience.
Coffee Klatch. Gabrielle and Lynette relate Paul's dumb Note story, and no one buys it. They don't think Mary Alice was crazy. KimberBree says that her father, the prosecutor, always said that in cases like this, the simplest explanation is usually the right one. This concept is also known -- as I learned from Agent Mulder -- as Occam's Razor. Susan points out that this message is one sent by an enemy, not a note you leave yourself, anyway. Well, no shit, Susan. Paul's entire point was that Mary Alice was crazy, which is why she saw herself as her own enemy, which is why she left herself threatening notes. The reason that the theory is unbelievable has nothing to do with whether or not it's a note from an enemy. I am beginning to suspect that Susan is a bit dim.
Across town, Paul has brought The Note to...Shaft? Yes! It's Shaft. I've heard he's a bad mother-- sorry, I'll shut my mouth. Shaft reads The Note and wonders why Paul's hired him. Paul wants him to find out who sent it. As Shaft examines The Note, MAVO wonders who would send such a note. An enemy? Of course. But what kind? "An acquaintance? A stranger? Or how about...a neighbor that lives a few feet away?" Well, right. We sort of figured that. Her narrations ends over a shot of a house that I don't recognize, but which is clearly in the neighborhood. And we go out on our usual DUM DUM DUM DUM!